unrealistic expectations

i have a friend who really wants to be married.  like so much so that she will ignore the warning signs sent by her partner.  she is only too willing to constantly hint at what she wants, regardless if it's the right decision or not.

she's been dating this db for almost three years now.  initially all the emails i received were about how he wouldnt sleep with her.  every.single.email.  i think they dated at least 6 months before he'd finally sleep with her.  i heard nearly daily updates and complaints.  i never said too much to her because she's the type of friend who will immediately jump down your throat if you dare to speak out against her man and call him for what he is.  case in point, she emailed me completely devastated that he told her she was too fat and that she should exercise and go on a diet.  hey, that may or may not be true, but it is not something that is said NORMALLY to other folks or in a manner that lacks tact and kind delivery, especially from a loved one.  it's one thing to gently *suggest* that someone get themselves to a gymmery, but it's another to bluntly say that your loved one is fat and should diet.  he has said this to her more than once and each time, i've defended her and spoke out against his behaviour and called it rude and abusive, only to have her lash out at me and tell me that i'm way off base and that he loves her.  riiiiiiiight.  in all the years i've been with ch, he has NEVER even hinted or suggested i get myself to a gym.  ever.  and he probably should have at least 4 yrs ago when i was at my largest and most unhappiest.

after finally consumating their dating union, the next item on the agenda became marriage.  she has said time and time again that she wants to be married and initially was pushing for them to be married in the first year because (in her words) "they were both old enough that time didnt matter and they should get on with things".  her pleading went unheard.  then they started discussing children and he replied he wasnt interested.  well, then came the endless emails about how she wants kids and what will she do?  i foolishly replied "dump him" because she was compromising what she wanted and contemplating not having kids.  this was a person who talked endlessly about "when i have kids...." and never once in the 20+yrs i've known her suggested she'd be childfree.  all of a sudden the tables were turning and she really didnt want kids afterall.  uh huh.

so once that big drama of emails dried up, on came the discussions again of marriage and how it had been close to a year of dating and still no proposal, followed by the discussion of "if he doesnt propose to me by xmas, we are done" bullshit.  this all happened 2 yrs ago.  then the deadline was further extended to "if he doesnt propose to me by our anniversary in august, we are through".  please note they are still together as i type this.

all of october's emails were about how he'd better propose to her by her birthday in november.  he ignored her hints and suggestions and silent treatments.  this past xmas, they went back to her family farm where she was hoping he'd grow a pair of testes and ask her dad for permission to marry the daughter.  no one knows if the talk happened, but i do know there were no happy I'M ENGAGED emails.  she had told my sister and i in separate emails that she'd better get a proposal by new years eve or it was over.  and in true fashion, the emails arrived in my inbox telling me how unhappy she was that he didnt bother to propose to her and she is now going to give him an ultimatum.

honestly, i'm tired of this bullshit.  either he wants to marry you or he doesnt, but why FORCE HIM?  i dont see the pressure to give ultimatums.  and this is also a person who believes that just because they are members of the same church means they are destined to be together forever.  from what i gather, that ideal is HERS alone.  i dont think he cares one iota but enjoys having her around as a meal ticket and a place to stay and is really just hoping that she will let him move in to her new home and live for free and he can save some  money for a while before leaving her for someone else.

this girl is educated out the wazoo but is dumb as rocks and will accept mediocrity because she is too insecure to try elsewhere.  it drives me nuts and i'm tired of the ultimatum emails i get nearly every week about this subject.  i think it's getting to the point where i'm going to have to be blunt as hell at the risk of shutting down a 2 decade friendship.