i had a relatively productive day in therapy yesterday. it didnt start out that way, mind you, but by the time we finished, we were circling the idea that i have three separate personalities named wierd, big brother, and essence.
before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD. i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.
wierd is that voice. you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line. it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice. it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others. it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.
i hate wierd. i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass. it has a nasty wake too. maybe even a gutteral sound to it. it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well. wierd lies for its own benefit. in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me. wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations. it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too.
case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time. she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately. something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say. instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right. she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks. in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.
essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be. it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to. it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it. would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends. essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school. essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction. essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person. it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them. essence is who i am.
i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing. bright light which floats above my hand. it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful. it may not look it, but it is.
the final character is big brother. big brother disagrees heartily with wierd. it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence. big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice. it's coming but it is taking time. big brother, god love him, is a head case tho. says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals. big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained. the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother.
wierd provokes big brother and vice versa. when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions.
essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard. occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother. essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh. wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind. eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait. it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore? by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back." instant calm.
i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it.
i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
tasha
i keep feeling pressure to do something about tasha before i go to ORD next weekend.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
grey days
turn to grey thoughts.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
these dreams
this morning i had a dream about sid.
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
it's my birthday
i figured since it's my bday that i'd list the #1 songs on september 11th from 1972-present day...
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
MIA...again
i havent been here in a while and i intend to change that. i hope. i say that every time and then inevitably things happen and i'm producing posts with apologies wondering where the time went.
i'm going to post as time allows and nothing further. no more apologies. it is what it is.
i'm going to post as time allows and nothing further. no more apologies. it is what it is.
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i had a relatively productive day in therapy yesterday. it didnt start out that way, mind you, but by the time we finished, we were circling the idea that i have three separate personalities named wierd, big brother, and essence.
before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD. i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.
wierd is that voice. you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line. it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice. it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others. it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.
i hate wierd. i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass. it has a nasty wake too. maybe even a gutteral sound to it. it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well. wierd lies for its own benefit. in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me. wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations. it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too.
case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time. she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately. something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say. instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right. she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks. in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.
essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be. it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to. it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it. would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends. essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school. essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction. essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person. it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them. essence is who i am.
i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing. bright light which floats above my hand. it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful. it may not look it, but it is.
the final character is big brother. big brother disagrees heartily with wierd. it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence. big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice. it's coming but it is taking time. big brother, god love him, is a head case tho. says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals. big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained. the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother.
wierd provokes big brother and vice versa. when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions.
essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard. occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother. essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh. wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind. eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait. it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore? by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back." instant calm.
i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it.
i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.
i keep feeling pressure to do something about tasha before i go to ORD next weekend.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
turn to grey thoughts.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
this morning i had a dream about sid.
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
i figured since it's my bday that i'd list the #1 songs on september 11th from 1972-present day...
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
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