i had that dream again last night.
you know, the panicked dream i always have...the one about university.
it's been YEARS since i was in university, but i will still have dreams that leave me in disarray, in panic, and i always wake with a start and wonder if what i just dreamt was reality or fiction. i wake never really knowing and often question myself during the day, just to reassure myself that it was all fantasy. and when the questions are finally confirmed, then i feel better. it's like a big relief to know that what i was most frightened of was all fabrication.
i always dream that i'm in school and have a HUGE paper due and i'm not even started on it. last night's dream was interesting because the paper was supposed to be a minimum of 20 or so pages and i had only 8 written on scraps of paper. what was worse was that it was a 4th year class and i hadnt gone to a single class and was supposed to have this paper done and presented in the next class...
for some reason, i had logic class, which i did drop. and in my real university experience, i had dropped logic in my second year. what a waste of class and time that was, but anyway...
so my english class was directly after logic. and part of the debacle in the dream was whether i'd really dropped logic or not. the other dilemma was that i had forgotten that my english class was right after logic on mondays and so i hadnt been to a single class. and already it was nearing the end of the semester, so i was supposed to have been attending this class to hear the lectures, participate in discussions, and earn my marks on attendance and attentiveness; none of which i had done. but i had missed the drop out date, so at present, my mark would be a zero, the prof wouldnt know me to see me, and all of a sudden i'd show up to present a paper on nothing and expect good grades? at the best i could get a D and it would make a severe dent in my GPA, which stressed me out.
in addition to the GPA stress, i worried about having enough material to finish my 20 page shakespeare paper. and then the worried looks of dr. tyson as i'd come to class. i imagined the scorn, the disappointment, and the embarassment, which had me sweating in my sleep.
i dont know why i continually have this dream, but i seem to from time to time. and every time i wake from it, i wonder if it was reality.
what's most troubling is that university still continues to haunt me long after i've left it.
it's been 15yrs since i graduated and i'm still somehow subcontiously affected by grades, stress, and approval.
thank goodness i see james wednesday!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
twilight buzz
i have never understood the buzz about twilight. not once, not ever.
i dont consider myself a literary genius, but i think that stephenie meyer insults whatever is left of my english degree.
i read the first installment of the twilight series on fevered recommendation from a teacher of grade 8 students. we were sitting around discussing whatever as this 30-something clutched her hard-bound 3rd installment of the twilight series and declared it the "best thing she's ever read in a long time", with spittle collecting on her lips.
i thought, 'huh, this IS a teacher...someone who talks to the grade 8 mentality daily....maybe she IS onto something'.
so whilst waiting for my travelling partner to finish her teacher-ish convention, i stalked over to the downtown mall complex in edmonton and bought the first and second book of the twilight series.
i have to admit that the first book was interesting. i was hooked and read the book in a night.
the second book? well...it was a lot of moaning and groaning and i was wondering WHERE IS THE SEX? to me vampires = S-E-X. there's no sex. all it is, is a 200+page expose on teenage angst of the narcissistic generation. the "why me?" and "please, feel sorry for me! i'm a VICTIM" bullshit that seems to prevail in this culture.
i sped-read through it, only because i wanted it out of my life.
i have no desire to read the third or fourth books. stephenie meyer is NOT a writer.
i dont care how the story ends; that's what the internet is for. i can "google" that shit, instead of giving her $20.
i feel embarassed for the fans. my sister in law bought the other two books, read them, devoured them, and bought the movie and insisted that i'd do the same.
i'm gonna prove her wrong.
i'm no mom-jeans-wearing-freak.
THESE were vampires:
i dont consider myself a literary genius, but i think that stephenie meyer insults whatever is left of my english degree.
i read the first installment of the twilight series on fevered recommendation from a teacher of grade 8 students. we were sitting around discussing whatever as this 30-something clutched her hard-bound 3rd installment of the twilight series and declared it the "best thing she's ever read in a long time", with spittle collecting on her lips.
i thought, 'huh, this IS a teacher...someone who talks to the grade 8 mentality daily....maybe she IS onto something'.
so whilst waiting for my travelling partner to finish her teacher-ish convention, i stalked over to the downtown mall complex in edmonton and bought the first and second book of the twilight series.
i have to admit that the first book was interesting. i was hooked and read the book in a night.
the second book? well...it was a lot of moaning and groaning and i was wondering WHERE IS THE SEX? to me vampires = S-E-X. there's no sex. all it is, is a 200+page expose on teenage angst of the narcissistic generation. the "why me?" and "please, feel sorry for me! i'm a VICTIM" bullshit that seems to prevail in this culture.
i sped-read through it, only because i wanted it out of my life.
i have no desire to read the third or fourth books. stephenie meyer is NOT a writer.
i dont care how the story ends; that's what the internet is for. i can "google" that shit, instead of giving her $20.
i feel embarassed for the fans. my sister in law bought the other two books, read them, devoured them, and bought the movie and insisted that i'd do the same.
i'm gonna prove her wrong.
i'm no mom-jeans-wearing-freak.
THESE were vampires:
to ruby m.e. blake '84...wherever you might be
i: still remember you.
you: the interesting person in mini U from the NWT.
i: the dork from small town AB.
you: made beaded forms of art and gave them to me.
i: took them graciously, smelling the smoke on the leather.
you: became cool once the other girls saw your artwork and beading skills.
i: faded into obscurity.
we: made a slideshow and thought bob and doug mackenzie were cool, eh.
you: wrote me pages and pages telling me of your love for jari kuri and how you would marry him someday.
i: miss you now and wonder where you might be all these years later.
i: wish you well.
you: the interesting person in mini U from the NWT.
i: the dork from small town AB.
you: made beaded forms of art and gave them to me.
i: took them graciously, smelling the smoke on the leather.
you: became cool once the other girls saw your artwork and beading skills.
i: faded into obscurity.
we: made a slideshow and thought bob and doug mackenzie were cool, eh.
you: wrote me pages and pages telling me of your love for jari kuri and how you would marry him someday.
i: miss you now and wonder where you might be all these years later.
i: wish you well.
off to havre
so it's off to montana tomorrow. if it wasnt such a gong show getting there, i'd probably feel better about it, but for the fact that it's seeming rather chaotic, i'm having reservations.
originally, four girls were going. these four had gone last year and the year before that. for some reason, one couldnt go, and instead of just the three of them going, they opened it up to a fourth.
i was not asked initially. an email was circulated months ago, apparently, asking other girls to go and there were no takers. i wasnt initially considered and some of the PVC's were asked long before i was. am i bitter about it? not really. i've had a very busy summer, so going there or staying home makes no difference.
a few weeks ago, i was asked to come along. somehow finding out after the fact that i'm the last ditch choice pisses me off. kinda sorta. i know better than to be upset by it, but it's still not great to find out that you were asked when all other options were exhausted. i dont like being the last ditch bandaid.
that girl bullshit aside, we decide we're going. then someone decides to invite someone that we all really dont know that well. okaaaaaay, i can tolerate that, but will i sleep with her and share a bed? uhm...i dunno. we are going in a 4 door pickup truck, which means we're cramping three people in the back for nearly 3 hrs. that gets my dander up. i dont like riding in the back, much less being cramped back there with long legs beside someone and always worrying that my fat ass is squishing someone next to me. hate that feeling.
so then someone has to back out because of an injury. breath of relief exhaled from me. perfect. two in the back of a truck i can do.
then i get an email this afternoon saying that someone's coming along that i havent seen in two years ON PURPOSE and have avoided any contact with her because she is annoying. now she's coming? oh FFS. i'm trying not to do the first gut instinct and cut and run because it would be deadly obvious, but must i be subjected to "Regina" and her obsession with taking obnoxious photos (and later posting them to fb) and her desire to have it her way or the highway all fucking weekend? really? i left that group for part of that reason because i couldnt stand it always being about Regina.
i know it's only 24hrs or less, but i'm already annoyed with this. and yes, i know, we'll be staying in a cheaper hotel, but there are still expenses involved in boarding my dogs, and other various things that are coming up in the next couple of weeks. i dont *need* to be going. i could happily and blissfully stay here all weekend without feeling for one second that i was missing anything. there are plenty of things i could be doing at home for FREE and SOLO and they are things i've been putting off for a long time.
but of course to back out now would be kinda rude.
i'm sure it will be a good time and plenty of booze consumed (which does help the feelings of space invasion), but it's just turning into one drama after another with constant email updates and helpful-but-not-so-helpful hints of how i can "justttttt do xyz" in order to make things work.
what drives me nuts about certain aspects of the PVC's and why i left them was the constant meddling they all seemed to do in my life. no matter what i was doing, someone always had to butt in or put in their .02 about it, even if it wasnt solicited. honestly, unsolicited advice is generally hot air and aural raping. at least that's what i think.
the PVC's also have to party nonstop and want everyone around them as intoxicated or more so than they are. and there is always a reason to party or a reason that they tell you that you "HAVE TO" drink with them. there's always some asshole having a birthday or an event that you just simply cant be sober at without someone tsk-tsking you over it. it's another reason i ditched them. and i noticed that i started getting fatter around these women and they felt they had the right to try to hold me back from pursuing my fitness goals.
i've been spending time on and off with "Gretchen". Gretchen is ok but she is the kind of person who is only here for a good time. i suspect there is a hint of alcoholism going on, but it all comes off as her being the good time girl. you never want to tell gretchen anything you wouldnt want repeated to anyone else, but she is good for a lot of no-bullshit fun if you are in the mood for it. but with gretchen comes the consumption of tons of beer and even just a few episodes with gretchen this summer have left me with a bigger spare tire than i wanted. all the hard work i did in the late winter is seemingly lost, thanks to this. and i can accept blame where blame is due and i know that i put stuff in my mouth, too.
in the end, i know this bitching isnt serving any purpose and that i'm still going to go despite it. i'm sure it will be a good time and i will try to keep my opinions to myself and try not to roll my eyes too hard at regina's photo taking. i can be pleasant for 24 hrs and then come home and kick the garbage can repetitively until i feel better...
i think. i hope.
ugh.
originally, four girls were going. these four had gone last year and the year before that. for some reason, one couldnt go, and instead of just the three of them going, they opened it up to a fourth.
i was not asked initially. an email was circulated months ago, apparently, asking other girls to go and there were no takers. i wasnt initially considered and some of the PVC's were asked long before i was. am i bitter about it? not really. i've had a very busy summer, so going there or staying home makes no difference.
a few weeks ago, i was asked to come along. somehow finding out after the fact that i'm the last ditch choice pisses me off. kinda sorta. i know better than to be upset by it, but it's still not great to find out that you were asked when all other options were exhausted. i dont like being the last ditch bandaid.
that girl bullshit aside, we decide we're going. then someone decides to invite someone that we all really dont know that well. okaaaaaay, i can tolerate that, but will i sleep with her and share a bed? uhm...i dunno. we are going in a 4 door pickup truck, which means we're cramping three people in the back for nearly 3 hrs. that gets my dander up. i dont like riding in the back, much less being cramped back there with long legs beside someone and always worrying that my fat ass is squishing someone next to me. hate that feeling.
so then someone has to back out because of an injury. breath of relief exhaled from me. perfect. two in the back of a truck i can do.
i know it's only 24hrs or less, but i'm already annoyed with this. and yes, i know, we'll be staying in a cheaper hotel, but there are still expenses involved in boarding my dogs, and other various things that are coming up in the next couple of weeks. i dont *need* to be going. i could happily and blissfully stay here all weekend without feeling for one second that i was missing anything. there are plenty of things i could be doing at home for FREE and SOLO and they are things i've been putting off for a long time.
but of course to back out now would be kinda rude.
i'm sure it will be a good time and plenty of booze consumed (which does help the feelings of space invasion), but it's just turning into one drama after another with constant email updates and helpful-but-not-so-helpful hints of how i can "justttttt do xyz" in order to make things work.
what drives me nuts about certain aspects of the PVC's and why i left them was the constant meddling they all seemed to do in my life. no matter what i was doing, someone always had to butt in or put in their .02 about it, even if it wasnt solicited. honestly, unsolicited advice is generally hot air and aural raping. at least that's what i think.
the PVC's also have to party nonstop and want everyone around them as intoxicated or more so than they are. and there is always a reason to party or a reason that they tell you that you "HAVE TO" drink with them. there's always some asshole having a birthday or an event that you just simply cant be sober at without someone tsk-tsking you over it. it's another reason i ditched them. and i noticed that i started getting fatter around these women and they felt they had the right to try to hold me back from pursuing my fitness goals.
in the end, i know this bitching isnt serving any purpose and that i'm still going to go despite it. i'm sure it will be a good time and i will try to keep my opinions to myself and try not to roll my eyes too hard at regina's photo taking. i can be pleasant for 24 hrs and then come home and kick the garbage can repetitively until i feel better...
i think. i hope.
ugh.
lists of annoyances
*- chewing. i HATE listening to people chew food
- those indescriminate fart clouds you accidentally walk into
- slipping on ice
- messy food that hits your chin when you eat
- monologgers...if i cant get a word in, then what's the point of talking to you? seriously, i'm not your microphone.
- allergies, from which i seem to be suffering profusely as of late
- being out of coffee
- shin splints
- narcissists
- uselessness and those who believe in a huckleberry finn approach to problem solving
- bragging
- most of my inlaws
- children
- cell phones in inappropriate places
- being late
- flighty or insecure behaviour
- lying
- weeds of the garden variety
- aphids and mosquitos
- loud engines, which i believe are overcompensating for something
* interestingly enough, when i googled the image of "nails on a chalkboard", i got the gun and chimp picture.
size too small
I was the best man in a size too small.
You were my best friend, going at it all.
And what if I put off my inheritance?
------"size too small" , sufjan stevens
for some reason that last line just strikes a deep chord. they love or care for someone so much that they'd put off their inheritance just to be with them, that they would foresake their ancestry just to be with that person?
unimaginable and poetic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrL_ivGUbI
Thursday, August 27, 2009
password pass-offs
well, if you're at all like me then you have immense difficulty remembering any passwords, other than the ones you want to use repetitively. every damned thing needs a password. there are even sites out there that refuse to let you use the same one you've used before and passwords have to change weekly. how freaking ridiculous is that?
so my computer and filing cabinet look much like the picture above.
what's more problematic is "they" think you shouldnt write passwords down, or you should keep them in a secure location...well, fuck. where might that be? must i go and buy a safe to keep my passwords in?
life would be so much more simple if we could use the same user name and password for everything. i know, i know it's a major faux pas.
i'm sure that "they" have stocks in post it, too. without user ID's and ever-changing passwords, where would post it be?
hmmmmm....
i'd rather do this with my post it notes...
new place, new possibilities?
last night i went down and checked out J's new place.
it's bare bones to say the least. they dont have weights, mats, or anything other than raw drive and ambition. i can admire that, but i see where the term "fools rush in" comes from.
the space has potential. i'll give them that. but there is a LOT to be done in order to make it a fitness place.
and her bf Mi? he's going to be trouble. he operates a karate studio and is ok with bare bones stuff and rough and crudely put together rubber floors that he insists are ok for fitness junkies. it's not. i predict slips and toes being caught in between these seams.
not only that, they are hell bent to open sept 1st, which is tuesday. FIVE days from today. they will not be here this weekend. not only that, they both work full time jobs as it is and they declare that this is a hobby.
honestly? the concept is great and i think they'll have a following, but they are far too ambitious with what they have and i think they havent done enough planning to get this off the ground.
for one, they dont have a business license. you *kinda* need something like that. as well, you NEED a gst number. it's not an option. PERIOD. i spoke to Mi about this the other day and he figures that the studio is privately owned, so therefore no gst number is required. uhm, try and run that past the CRA. i think they've also put everything in their names, which is foolish because it makes them personally and financially responsible for any missed or skipped payments. and finally, i dont think either of them have thought about insurance...they'll be fucked five ways from friday if someone gets hurt on the premesis.
and it isnt my concern by a mile, but i dont think that either of them will make enough money to pay the rent or utilities just to make the place work. sure, they might be able to cover a couple of month's rent, but once utilities and other expenses dip into that, they're screwed. i am not sure if either of them have explored the idea of financing or going through entre corp (a local small business assistance program...financing, advice, etc), but it might be worth checking out. at least they'd have some kind of business plan or proposal if they went and talked to someone in the know about opening a business.
both keep maintaining that they dont want this to be their life. i get that. but if you refuse to put in the hard work to start it up, expect problems. yes, it might cost them hours initially, but if they work hard now, they should reap rewards later.
i'm just glad that i havent partnered up with them. i think that Mi would drive me nuts after a while with his "good enough"-ing.
it's bare bones to say the least. they dont have weights, mats, or anything other than raw drive and ambition. i can admire that, but i see where the term "fools rush in" comes from.
the space has potential. i'll give them that. but there is a LOT to be done in order to make it a fitness place.
and her bf Mi? he's going to be trouble. he operates a karate studio and is ok with bare bones stuff and rough and crudely put together rubber floors that he insists are ok for fitness junkies. it's not. i predict slips and toes being caught in between these seams.
not only that, they are hell bent to open sept 1st, which is tuesday. FIVE days from today. they will not be here this weekend. not only that, they both work full time jobs as it is and they declare that this is a hobby.
honestly? the concept is great and i think they'll have a following, but they are far too ambitious with what they have and i think they havent done enough planning to get this off the ground.
for one, they dont have a business license. you *kinda* need something like that. as well, you NEED a gst number. it's not an option. PERIOD. i spoke to Mi about this the other day and he figures that the studio is privately owned, so therefore no gst number is required. uhm, try and run that past the CRA. i think they've also put everything in their names, which is foolish because it makes them personally and financially responsible for any missed or skipped payments. and finally, i dont think either of them have thought about insurance...they'll be fucked five ways from friday if someone gets hurt on the premesis.
and it isnt my concern by a mile, but i dont think that either of them will make enough money to pay the rent or utilities just to make the place work. sure, they might be able to cover a couple of month's rent, but once utilities and other expenses dip into that, they're screwed. i am not sure if either of them have explored the idea of financing or going through entre corp (a local small business assistance program...financing, advice, etc), but it might be worth checking out. at least they'd have some kind of business plan or proposal if they went and talked to someone in the know about opening a business.
both keep maintaining that they dont want this to be their life. i get that. but if you refuse to put in the hard work to start it up, expect problems. yes, it might cost them hours initially, but if they work hard now, they should reap rewards later.
i'm just glad that i havent partnered up with them. i think that Mi would drive me nuts after a while with his "good enough"-ing.
movement: push, direction: up!
so we didnt run yesterday...only four of us showed up and the instructor wasnt feeling well, so we did a pseudo circuit class between the four of us. lunge, pushups, squats, more arms, more tricep pushups...
i have to say that the pushup is my primary area of weakness. i can do proper ones on my knees. but from my toes? f-that notion. honestly. i see the instructors do it and they're straight as boards. me? i'm sagging and doing "the worm". brutal. i've been in enough fitness classes that i should be gaining strength in my arms, chest, and core to pull that off, but it's not working! i can probably do 1 or 2 proper ones and then i'm either doing a funky 80's move on the floor or rolling my eyes and lowering myself to my knees.
i feel as if i'm cheating myself by not doing proper pushups. frustrating!
i have to say that the pushup is my primary area of weakness. i can do proper ones on my knees. but from my toes? f-that notion. honestly. i see the instructors do it and they're straight as boards. me? i'm sagging and doing "the worm". brutal. i've been in enough fitness classes that i should be gaining strength in my arms, chest, and core to pull that off, but it's not working! i can probably do 1 or 2 proper ones and then i'm either doing a funky 80's move on the floor or rolling my eyes and lowering myself to my knees.
i feel as if i'm cheating myself by not doing proper pushups. frustrating!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
quadzilla
today's class: completely un-fun.
squats, lunges, pushups....fucking hell.
my knees were shakin' and quakin' and there were times where i thought my arms would give out and my face would break the fall...
i thought that fitness was supposed to get easier as you do it more, but holy shit, it seems to get harder every time i hit the gym. maybe it's the diet thing because i most certainly havent been clean eating in a very long time. and i do notice a difference if i'm logging my calories vs. eating (and drinking) with wild abandon.
note to self: start counting calories....
tomorrow's a run. i'm sure it will involve "suicide stairs", too...
sometimes when she announces tomorrow's plans, it's pretty counter productive...sure, it's nice to know what you'll be facing the next day, but at the same time, it makes bed seem all the more appealing.
but i gotta keep on keeping on. there are lbs to be lost and there's fat to sweat out...
work it out, girl. work it out!
squats, lunges, pushups....fucking hell.
my knees were shakin' and quakin' and there were times where i thought my arms would give out and my face would break the fall...
i thought that fitness was supposed to get easier as you do it more, but holy shit, it seems to get harder every time i hit the gym. maybe it's the diet thing because i most certainly havent been clean eating in a very long time. and i do notice a difference if i'm logging my calories vs. eating (and drinking) with wild abandon.
note to self: start counting calories....
tomorrow's a run. i'm sure it will involve "suicide stairs", too...
sometimes when she announces tomorrow's plans, it's pretty counter productive...sure, it's nice to know what you'll be facing the next day, but at the same time, it makes bed seem all the more appealing.
but i gotta keep on keeping on. there are lbs to be lost and there's fat to sweat out...
work it out, girl. work it out!
oh the drama...
i've enjoyed being there and despite my preconcieved notions, i actually really enjoy group fitness. most of my successes i have attributed to one of my instructors who became my fitness motivator and mentor, and later, friend (J).
the studio is run by a fitness powerhouse (M) who wanted to do her own thing. word of mouth got around town that her programs were the best and results-driven and despite the price, you'd walk away happy with your end result. i joined and was pretty happy with everything there.
so J had instructed there nearly 3 years and has had enough of M. M is a nice enough person, but not kind. she's the kind of person you really wouldnt want to cross, as i get the impression that she is vindictive, spiteful, and would likely carry a grudge till the end of days. J has decided to open her new place and it's opening sept 1...M is furious.
so i've been bb messaging J and she's been telling me that her name is being smeared through the mud all over facebook and her phone has been ringing off the hook. see? she sent a rather innocuous email inviting all of us to her new studio's opening. somehow this news got around to M and now M wont take her calls. J had been trying to tell her in person, apparently, but that didnt pan out for some reason.
so it's the usual girl shit going on in the hat...
but really, who can blame J for wanting out? she was treated like a slave while M sat back and called all the shots without being willing to listen to any suggestions or helpful hints.
the day isnt over and already the mudslinging has started...i think it's just warming up. meanwhile i'll just keep a low profile, but i already know where my allegiance lies.
fuckin girl shit...
Monday, August 24, 2009
decisions, decisions
so i'm contemplating leaving facebook behind forever.
i just dont know why it is that i keep going back...is it boredom? curiousity? an inner desire to be a voyeur and facebook scratches that itch?
it's probably "yes" to all counts.
i have to admit that when i first joined i thought "what is the point?" but at the time, i had only a couple of friends and my understanding of the site was limited. but then i discovered the email link to "find friends" and i was off and running. and then search? holy crap, i found people! from elementary! from old jobs! cousins! friends of friends! it all seemed so exciting and i was caught up in it. it's fun to look at other peoples' albums, their thoughts, their friend lists...
and that's where the voyeurism begins...you start looking for people you dated and what they're doing. case in point was my ex bf dean. we dated in university at the end of my 3rd year and throughout the fourth and onto calgary. once we moved in together the relationship exploded or imploded and i was out of there in six months without looking back, i might add.
dean was not a stunner, but at the time he filled a gap in my life. suddenly i wasnt lonely or bored anymore because i had someone who entertained me and could make me laugh. dean was smart and his intelligence was a big hand up in all those god damned english courses i took. (aside: i STILL dream that i've got a huge paper due in 2 days and i havent started it...and seriously, i've been out of university since 1994. i wake up in a SWEAT after this dream.) dean would proof read my papers and pick out the mistakes and i got better grades thanks to him. i also stopped going to the pub all the time, which i think did save my grades too. go figure.
but what dean really didnt have was much tact. or grace. or humility. he had been picked on all his life because he was nerdly and as a result, dean developed a defensive core and was quite hostile about things, but mostly? he was known for being brutally honest. brutally honest to the point of lacking any grace while telling you that you sucked. what was worse, he found it amusing that we called him "brutally honest dean". i also hated that he would try to be funny and be the FIRST person laughing at his jokes. oh and his jokes? they'd be at someone else's expense...always. fucker.
where dean was honest about telling YOU how much you sucked, he also was a sneak. you could see it in his eyes. he'd sneak around and through things, which drove me nuts. even at the dinner table it was a constant battle to eat a proper meal because it felt like a competition for food and had me feeling that fight or flight anxiety that i might not get properly fed because he was always eating the last of everything.
my whole point is that he and i parted ways in 1995, which was probably 1yr in the making anyway. after a few months of radio silence, we finally talked. i dont even know what started that, but i remember we went out for dinner one night just to hang out. we had lapses in our friendship and i think those gaps were bridged after a few years, most likely after a night of drinking i probably drunk dialled him. who knows. and then he moved to edmonton, just kinda where i felt like we could be friends. i even went to visit him there once and we hung out.
then i moved here and in one email to me he asked how med hat was and whether i was "making everyone around you miserable as usual". there it was again: fucking brutally honest dean. i got pissed and never returned his emails. fuck him.
facebook came along, which allowed me to peer into his life without telling him i was looking. so now he's married to an average looking person with 2 kids now. hey, i wish him happiness, but most of all i wish his wife happiness because she'll need it. he's whiny, immature, petulant, and frankly, a big pain in the ass who is emotionally needy and cries (yes) at the drop of a hat. who needs that shit? but it's fun as all hell to look and he has NO IDEA i'm looking.
but then other shit starts there where you end up feeling hurt over shit that meant nothing to you 2 yrs ago. someone ditches you on facebook? well, as much as i want to laugh @ how stupid it is, it still hurts. and it's conflicting because you wonder what you did or didnt do and you spend time agonizing over it; time you wont get back, which leaves you angry that you wasted any time thinking about it.
then there are the friends that you really dont like or care about, but you have them on your friend list "just because". and you agonize about getting rid of them because you really dont give a shit when they post stupid shit like "little fred peed on the potty today". i'm sorry, but that is so fucking uninteresting, i want to puke.
of course because i live in small town central, if you ditch someone on facebook, chances are you will surely run into them at your local wal-mart and have an anxiety provoking 2 seconds (which really feels like an eternity) of whether you should acknowledge them or if you should turn on your heel and go in the opposite direction? or worse yet, you wonder if you deleting them has them pissed at you, and then you worry if they'll be hostile or unforgiving.
so it all starts out as a harmless social network, but then very quickly evolves to more awkward social innuendo and new learned experiences of how to handle the most trivial of things.
i had left fb in october because i had deleted friends who then sent me the email of "did you leave fb?" and because i couldnt lie and say "yes, i left", i just deleted my profile. again, fb causes rifts in your social life.
and i think the concept of fb is intriguing. afterall, it IS cool to see what your best friend from grade 1 is now up to, or to spy on that fake bitch you hated in highschool, but honestly? it just turns into a web of problems. problems that i find incredibly exhausting to face or solve.
so for now, i'm still there...but who knows how much longer.
ps, there will be more on this, i swear....
i just dont know why it is that i keep going back...is it boredom? curiousity? an inner desire to be a voyeur and facebook scratches that itch?
it's probably "yes" to all counts.
i have to admit that when i first joined i thought "what is the point?" but at the time, i had only a couple of friends and my understanding of the site was limited. but then i discovered the email link to "find friends" and i was off and running. and then search? holy crap, i found people! from elementary! from old jobs! cousins! friends of friends! it all seemed so exciting and i was caught up in it. it's fun to look at other peoples' albums, their thoughts, their friend lists...
and that's where the voyeurism begins...you start looking for people you dated and what they're doing. case in point was my ex bf dean. we dated in university at the end of my 3rd year and throughout the fourth and onto calgary. once we moved in together the relationship exploded or imploded and i was out of there in six months without looking back, i might add.
dean was not a stunner, but at the time he filled a gap in my life. suddenly i wasnt lonely or bored anymore because i had someone who entertained me and could make me laugh. dean was smart and his intelligence was a big hand up in all those god damned english courses i took. (aside: i STILL dream that i've got a huge paper due in 2 days and i havent started it...and seriously, i've been out of university since 1994. i wake up in a SWEAT after this dream.) dean would proof read my papers and pick out the mistakes and i got better grades thanks to him. i also stopped going to the pub all the time, which i think did save my grades too. go figure.
but what dean really didnt have was much tact. or grace. or humility. he had been picked on all his life because he was nerdly and as a result, dean developed a defensive core and was quite hostile about things, but mostly? he was known for being brutally honest. brutally honest to the point of lacking any grace while telling you that you sucked. what was worse, he found it amusing that we called him "brutally honest dean". i also hated that he would try to be funny and be the FIRST person laughing at his jokes. oh and his jokes? they'd be at someone else's expense...always. fucker.
where dean was honest about telling YOU how much you sucked, he also was a sneak. you could see it in his eyes. he'd sneak around and through things, which drove me nuts. even at the dinner table it was a constant battle to eat a proper meal because it felt like a competition for food and had me feeling that fight or flight anxiety that i might not get properly fed because he was always eating the last of everything.
my whole point is that he and i parted ways in 1995, which was probably 1yr in the making anyway. after a few months of radio silence, we finally talked. i dont even know what started that, but i remember we went out for dinner one night just to hang out. we had lapses in our friendship and i think those gaps were bridged after a few years, most likely after a night of drinking i probably drunk dialled him. who knows. and then he moved to edmonton, just kinda where i felt like we could be friends. i even went to visit him there once and we hung out.
then i moved here and in one email to me he asked how med hat was and whether i was "making everyone around you miserable as usual". there it was again: fucking brutally honest dean. i got pissed and never returned his emails. fuck him.
facebook came along, which allowed me to peer into his life without telling him i was looking. so now he's married to an average looking person with 2 kids now. hey, i wish him happiness, but most of all i wish his wife happiness because she'll need it. he's whiny, immature, petulant, and frankly, a big pain in the ass who is emotionally needy and cries (yes) at the drop of a hat. who needs that shit? but it's fun as all hell to look and he has NO IDEA i'm looking.
but then other shit starts there where you end up feeling hurt over shit that meant nothing to you 2 yrs ago. someone ditches you on facebook? well, as much as i want to laugh @ how stupid it is, it still hurts. and it's conflicting because you wonder what you did or didnt do and you spend time agonizing over it; time you wont get back, which leaves you angry that you wasted any time thinking about it.
then there are the friends that you really dont like or care about, but you have them on your friend list "just because". and you agonize about getting rid of them because you really dont give a shit when they post stupid shit like "little fred peed on the potty today". i'm sorry, but that is so fucking uninteresting, i want to puke.
of course because i live in small town central, if you ditch someone on facebook, chances are you will surely run into them at your local wal-mart and have an anxiety provoking 2 seconds (which really feels like an eternity) of whether you should acknowledge them or if you should turn on your heel and go in the opposite direction? or worse yet, you wonder if you deleting them has them pissed at you, and then you worry if they'll be hostile or unforgiving.
so it all starts out as a harmless social network, but then very quickly evolves to more awkward social innuendo and new learned experiences of how to handle the most trivial of things.
i had left fb in october because i had deleted friends who then sent me the email of "did you leave fb?" and because i couldnt lie and say "yes, i left", i just deleted my profile. again, fb causes rifts in your social life.
and i think the concept of fb is intriguing. afterall, it IS cool to see what your best friend from grade 1 is now up to, or to spy on that fake bitch you hated in highschool, but honestly? it just turns into a web of problems. problems that i find incredibly exhausting to face or solve.
so for now, i'm still there...but who knows how much longer.
ps, there will be more on this, i swear....
sundays
sundays are a religion around here. ch is absolutely addicted to the nfl...trades, fantasy football, magazines, paraphanalia, you name it. i have to admit that sometimes it's addicting, too.
...or at least the enthusiasm makes it seem appealing, until you actually get to the day itself and then the magic is kinda lost. we buy "sunday ticket football" from shaw, which really translates to "tracy pays an extra $40 on her cable bill so that ch can watch 364+hrs of football on sundays". ok, i might be exaggerating, but not by much. chris will get up around 10 and hit the ground running and somedays he'll get up earlier with the excitement that a kid would generate for xmas day. he will run downstairs, open the laptop and start his fantasy football trades. he's been in a group of 12 guys who meet and discuss football and make their fantasy teams and argue and cuss and swear and drink a lot of beer while doing so. and then he'll come home and discuss ad nauseum every detail, every discussion, every trade, and yammer on about stats. trust me, i've perfected the art of pretending to pay attention, but really? i'm not.
so once the trades are made, the snarky comments left on the various bulletin boards on the internet, he will turn on the tv to the pregame shows where four hot heads will sit and pontificate about the upcoming games. sometimes they're interesting, particularly the clothing choices of dion sanders, but mostly, it's just a bunch of overpaid, marginally talented, slightly stupid, ageing mouths discussing people who could literally run circles around their criticism.
11am hits and that's kickoff of the first game. sunday ticket allows ch to get as many games as he wants. what is VERY frustrating about it is that it's in our livingroom for starters, so that means he's basically dominating the entire main floor of our house. when you only have a 1300 sq foot house, that domination seems to be overwhelming. combine that with a volume that would make my grandmother blush, and you are running out of options quickly. it's usually when i will resurrect the stevenson in me and head out to shop and get OUT of the noise, or else find other projects to do that will take me away and (preferrably) OUT of the house. the second (or third?) frustrating part of it is that if i'm feeling remotely charitable and sit down to A) listen to him describe trades, players, or game strategies, or B) try to pay attention to the game, he will cut back and forth between games...so just when you are actually rooting for a team, or getting into the game ~ZAP~ goes the remote, and it's onto another game. tres, tres penible.
i usually just give up at that point and get out of the house.
he will stay in his old sweats all day long...unshowered, hair a-kimbo, and beard raw and messy. he is more than content to sit there for the entire day in the same position watching both the game and the internet for the changes in his points of his fantasy team.
football consumes ch is ways i can not comprehend. already the countdown is on and next weekend marks the beginning of the fantasy league and the sign of 17+ long weeks of endless conversations about players, injuries, and stats and hours of me really trying hard to win an oscar for best supporting wife in the "give a damn" category.
you can see how that stresses a girl out, right?
it's been a crazy summer...
and fall it feels like...
the other night i looked out the window and it was DARK. like dark-assed and strange to see it SO dark @ 9pm! what's going on here? not only that, it FEELS like fall...it's just in the air. maybe it's because the little sprogs are going back to school or wardrobes have been bought, or leaves are already starting to turn, but fall is most definitely in the air.
fall is a season i love and loathe all in one breath. i love the colors, but at the same time, a sadness permeates, knowing full well that the same pretty yellow-red leaves will be off that tree on my grass. the sky seems SO blue in contrast to the yellowed grass below. SEPTEMBER VOGUE comes out, which is thicker than hell and full of advice and sage fashion wisdom. i've never purchased it, but in my magazine slinging days, it was a bitch to haul around because five of them were like the weight of 25. oh i might just go and support old newswest and run to mac's and get a vogue for the hell of it...see what old anna wintour has to say about what's cool this year. (speaking of her, i SO want to see 'the september issue')
but yeah, it feels like fall and the closing of yet another chapter. fall always brings possibilities to my life, but not quite the same way spring does. spring makes you feel like anything is possible, but fall doesnt leave me quite as optimistic. sure, there are things to look forward to, but mostly i find myself searching for things to do to take away the pain of winter's embrace that is sure to come earlier, despite it being a freaking cold summer.
it's right around this time of year where i get the itch to paint. reds! oranges! browns! blues! greens! i want it, and i want it ALL on my walls, now! thankfully i took a small step out on a ledge last year and painted the livingroom and i havent regretted it for a second. i completed that project in a record couple of days...two bathrooms and the kitchen and livingroom. i was SO excited and once i found out that painting is really quite simple and it's almost like therapy, except it's more expensive. it's the time alone, the oohing and aahing over colors, the swatches, the smell of the fresh paint, and the way it pours into the tray that has me drooling for more. seeing as i cant even draw an effective stickman, i get quite excited about painting a wall. how badly can you f*ck that up? well, if you ask certain critics, they'll tell you that you can really make a spectacular mess of your walls and your life, but come on...it's just PAINT. it can be touched up or painted over, right?
so i want to tackle the bedroom and paint it. i want to paint the feature wall the same color of orange we had in our hotel room in mexico @ the fairmont mayakoba. i know what you're thinking: orange? who the eff thinks orange is pretty? it's ok, you can say it. i am one who hates white and i'm not afraid to say so, so you can critique orange all day long! i can take it! but this orange? oh, it was so pretty! pictures do not do it justice but it's just so "vacationy" and i think it would compliment our room nicely. see for yourself:
i think it's gorgeous.
i never liked orange as a kid, but as an adult i've managed to gravitate toward it, whether i realised it or not. i think it all started out with buying crafty (crap) @ michael's that all seemed to be of the fall leaf variety. from there, it moved to buying orange accessories for the house from winner's, and then i found myself incorporating orange into my wardrobe. and the other day? i just noticed that i have a shitload of marigolds in my front garden that are literally my pride and joy and they are ORANGE. AND RED. AND YELLOW. but mostly ORANGE. (which reminds me, i should take pictures of them because i am in love with them...costco rocks).
but i've got the itch...first the bedroom, then the office will be next, i think. i have many months of sundays ahead to execute my plans and scratch that itch!
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i had that dream again last night.
you know, the panicked dream i always have...the one about university.
it's been YEARS since i was in university, but i will still have dreams that leave me in disarray, in panic, and i always wake with a start and wonder if what i just dreamt was reality or fiction. i wake never really knowing and often question myself during the day, just to reassure myself that it was all fantasy. and when the questions are finally confirmed, then i feel better. it's like a big relief to know that what i was most frightened of was all fabrication.
i always dream that i'm in school and have a HUGE paper due and i'm not even started on it. last night's dream was interesting because the paper was supposed to be a minimum of 20 or so pages and i had only 8 written on scraps of paper. what was worse was that it was a 4th year class and i hadnt gone to a single class and was supposed to have this paper done and presented in the next class...
for some reason, i had logic class, which i did drop. and in my real university experience, i had dropped logic in my second year. what a waste of class and time that was, but anyway...
so my english class was directly after logic. and part of the debacle in the dream was whether i'd really dropped logic or not. the other dilemma was that i had forgotten that my english class was right after logic on mondays and so i hadnt been to a single class. and already it was nearing the end of the semester, so i was supposed to have been attending this class to hear the lectures, participate in discussions, and earn my marks on attendance and attentiveness; none of which i had done. but i had missed the drop out date, so at present, my mark would be a zero, the prof wouldnt know me to see me, and all of a sudden i'd show up to present a paper on nothing and expect good grades? at the best i could get a D and it would make a severe dent in my GPA, which stressed me out.
in addition to the GPA stress, i worried about having enough material to finish my 20 page shakespeare paper. and then the worried looks of dr. tyson as i'd come to class. i imagined the scorn, the disappointment, and the embarassment, which had me sweating in my sleep.
i dont know why i continually have this dream, but i seem to from time to time. and every time i wake from it, i wonder if it was reality.
what's most troubling is that university still continues to haunt me long after i've left it.
it's been 15yrs since i graduated and i'm still somehow subcontiously affected by grades, stress, and approval.
thank goodness i see james wednesday!
i have never understood the buzz about twilight. not once, not ever.
i dont consider myself a literary genius, but i think that stephenie meyer insults whatever is left of my english degree.
i read the first installment of the twilight series on fevered recommendation from a teacher of grade 8 students. we were sitting around discussing whatever as this 30-something clutched her hard-bound 3rd installment of the twilight series and declared it the "best thing she's ever read in a long time", with spittle collecting on her lips.
i thought, 'huh, this IS a teacher...someone who talks to the grade 8 mentality daily....maybe she IS onto something'.
so whilst waiting for my travelling partner to finish her teacher-ish convention, i stalked over to the downtown mall complex in edmonton and bought the first and second book of the twilight series.
i have to admit that the first book was interesting. i was hooked and read the book in a night.
the second book? well...it was a lot of moaning and groaning and i was wondering WHERE IS THE SEX? to me vampires = S-E-X. there's no sex. all it is, is a 200+page expose on teenage angst of the narcissistic generation. the "why me?" and "please, feel sorry for me! i'm a VICTIM" bullshit that seems to prevail in this culture.
i sped-read through it, only because i wanted it out of my life.
i have no desire to read the third or fourth books. stephenie meyer is NOT a writer.
i dont care how the story ends; that's what the internet is for. i can "google" that shit, instead of giving her $20.
i feel embarassed for the fans. my sister in law bought the other two books, read them, devoured them, and bought the movie and insisted that i'd do the same.
i'm gonna prove her wrong.
i'm no mom-jeans-wearing-freak.
THESE were vampires:
i: still remember you.
you: the interesting person in mini U from the NWT.
i: the dork from small town AB.
you: made beaded forms of art and gave them to me.
i: took them graciously, smelling the smoke on the leather.
you: became cool once the other girls saw your artwork and beading skills.
i: faded into obscurity.
we: made a slideshow and thought bob and doug mackenzie were cool, eh.
you: wrote me pages and pages telling me of your love for jari kuri and how you would marry him someday.
i: miss you now and wonder where you might be all these years later.
i: wish you well.
so it's off to montana tomorrow. if it wasnt such a gong show getting there, i'd probably feel better about it, but for the fact that it's seeming rather chaotic, i'm having reservations.
originally, four girls were going. these four had gone last year and the year before that. for some reason, one couldnt go, and instead of just the three of them going, they opened it up to a fourth.
i was not asked initially. an email was circulated months ago, apparently, asking other girls to go and there were no takers. i wasnt initially considered and some of the PVC's were asked long before i was. am i bitter about it? not really. i've had a very busy summer, so going there or staying home makes no difference.
a few weeks ago, i was asked to come along. somehow finding out after the fact that i'm the last ditch choice pisses me off. kinda sorta. i know better than to be upset by it, but it's still not great to find out that you were asked when all other options were exhausted. i dont like being the last ditch bandaid.
that girl bullshit aside, we decide we're going. then someone decides to invite someone that we all really dont know that well. okaaaaaay, i can tolerate that, but will i sleep with her and share a bed? uhm...i dunno. we are going in a 4 door pickup truck, which means we're cramping three people in the back for nearly 3 hrs. that gets my dander up. i dont like riding in the back, much less being cramped back there with long legs beside someone and always worrying that my fat ass is squishing someone next to me. hate that feeling.
so then someone has to back out because of an injury. breath of relief exhaled from me. perfect. two in the back of a truck i can do.
i know it's only 24hrs or less, but i'm already annoyed with this. and yes, i know, we'll be staying in a cheaper hotel, but there are still expenses involved in boarding my dogs, and other various things that are coming up in the next couple of weeks. i dont *need* to be going. i could happily and blissfully stay here all weekend without feeling for one second that i was missing anything. there are plenty of things i could be doing at home for FREE and SOLO and they are things i've been putting off for a long time.
but of course to back out now would be kinda rude.
i'm sure it will be a good time and plenty of booze consumed (which does help the feelings of space invasion), but it's just turning into one drama after another with constant email updates and helpful-but-not-so-helpful hints of how i can "justttttt do xyz" in order to make things work.
what drives me nuts about certain aspects of the PVC's and why i left them was the constant meddling they all seemed to do in my life. no matter what i was doing, someone always had to butt in or put in their .02 about it, even if it wasnt solicited. honestly, unsolicited advice is generally hot air and aural raping. at least that's what i think.
the PVC's also have to party nonstop and want everyone around them as intoxicated or more so than they are. and there is always a reason to party or a reason that they tell you that you "HAVE TO" drink with them. there's always some asshole having a birthday or an event that you just simply cant be sober at without someone tsk-tsking you over it. it's another reason i ditched them. and i noticed that i started getting fatter around these women and they felt they had the right to try to hold me back from pursuing my fitness goals.
in the end, i know this bitching isnt serving any purpose and that i'm still going to go despite it. i'm sure it will be a good time and i will try to keep my opinions to myself and try not to roll my eyes too hard at regina's photo taking. i can be pleasant for 24 hrs and then come home and kick the garbage can repetitively until i feel better...
i think. i hope.
ugh.
*- chewing. i HATE listening to people chew food
- those indescriminate fart clouds you accidentally walk into
- slipping on ice
- messy food that hits your chin when you eat
- monologgers...if i cant get a word in, then what's the point of talking to you? seriously, i'm not your microphone.
- allergies, from which i seem to be suffering profusely as of late
- being out of coffee
- shin splints
- narcissists
- uselessness and those who believe in a huckleberry finn approach to problem solving
- bragging
- most of my inlaws
- children
- cell phones in inappropriate places
- being late
- flighty or insecure behaviour
- lying
- weeds of the garden variety
- aphids and mosquitos
- loud engines, which i believe are overcompensating for something
* interestingly enough, when i googled the image of "nails on a chalkboard", i got the gun and chimp picture.
I was the best man in a size too small.
You were my best friend, going at it all.
And what if I put off my inheritance?
------"size too small" , sufjan stevens
for some reason that last line just strikes a deep chord. they love or care for someone so much that they'd put off their inheritance just to be with them, that they would foresake their ancestry just to be with that person?
unimaginable and poetic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrL_ivGUbI
well, if you're at all like me then you have immense difficulty remembering any passwords, other than the ones you want to use repetitively. every damned thing needs a password. there are even sites out there that refuse to let you use the same one you've used before and passwords have to change weekly. how freaking ridiculous is that?
so my computer and filing cabinet look much like the picture above.
what's more problematic is "they" think you shouldnt write passwords down, or you should keep them in a secure location...well, fuck. where might that be? must i go and buy a safe to keep my passwords in?
life would be so much more simple if we could use the same user name and password for everything. i know, i know it's a major faux pas.
i'm sure that "they" have stocks in post it, too. without user ID's and ever-changing passwords, where would post it be?
hmmmmm....
i'd rather do this with my post it notes...
last night i went down and checked out J's new place.
it's bare bones to say the least. they dont have weights, mats, or anything other than raw drive and ambition. i can admire that, but i see where the term "fools rush in" comes from.
the space has potential. i'll give them that. but there is a LOT to be done in order to make it a fitness place.
and her bf Mi? he's going to be trouble. he operates a karate studio and is ok with bare bones stuff and rough and crudely put together rubber floors that he insists are ok for fitness junkies. it's not. i predict slips and toes being caught in between these seams.
not only that, they are hell bent to open sept 1st, which is tuesday. FIVE days from today. they will not be here this weekend. not only that, they both work full time jobs as it is and they declare that this is a hobby.
honestly? the concept is great and i think they'll have a following, but they are far too ambitious with what they have and i think they havent done enough planning to get this off the ground.
for one, they dont have a business license. you *kinda* need something like that. as well, you NEED a gst number. it's not an option. PERIOD. i spoke to Mi about this the other day and he figures that the studio is privately owned, so therefore no gst number is required. uhm, try and run that past the CRA. i think they've also put everything in their names, which is foolish because it makes them personally and financially responsible for any missed or skipped payments. and finally, i dont think either of them have thought about insurance...they'll be fucked five ways from friday if someone gets hurt on the premesis.
and it isnt my concern by a mile, but i dont think that either of them will make enough money to pay the rent or utilities just to make the place work. sure, they might be able to cover a couple of month's rent, but once utilities and other expenses dip into that, they're screwed. i am not sure if either of them have explored the idea of financing or going through entre corp (a local small business assistance program...financing, advice, etc), but it might be worth checking out. at least they'd have some kind of business plan or proposal if they went and talked to someone in the know about opening a business.
both keep maintaining that they dont want this to be their life. i get that. but if you refuse to put in the hard work to start it up, expect problems. yes, it might cost them hours initially, but if they work hard now, they should reap rewards later.
i'm just glad that i havent partnered up with them. i think that Mi would drive me nuts after a while with his "good enough"-ing.
so we didnt run yesterday...only four of us showed up and the instructor wasnt feeling well, so we did a pseudo circuit class between the four of us. lunge, pushups, squats, more arms, more tricep pushups...
i have to say that the pushup is my primary area of weakness. i can do proper ones on my knees. but from my toes? f-that notion. honestly. i see the instructors do it and they're straight as boards. me? i'm sagging and doing "the worm". brutal. i've been in enough fitness classes that i should be gaining strength in my arms, chest, and core to pull that off, but it's not working! i can probably do 1 or 2 proper ones and then i'm either doing a funky 80's move on the floor or rolling my eyes and lowering myself to my knees.
i feel as if i'm cheating myself by not doing proper pushups. frustrating!
today's class: completely un-fun.
squats, lunges, pushups....fucking hell.
my knees were shakin' and quakin' and there were times where i thought my arms would give out and my face would break the fall...
i thought that fitness was supposed to get easier as you do it more, but holy shit, it seems to get harder every time i hit the gym. maybe it's the diet thing because i most certainly havent been clean eating in a very long time. and i do notice a difference if i'm logging my calories vs. eating (and drinking) with wild abandon.
note to self: start counting calories....
tomorrow's a run. i'm sure it will involve "suicide stairs", too...
sometimes when she announces tomorrow's plans, it's pretty counter productive...sure, it's nice to know what you'll be facing the next day, but at the same time, it makes bed seem all the more appealing.
but i gotta keep on keeping on. there are lbs to be lost and there's fat to sweat out...
work it out, girl. work it out!
i've enjoyed being there and despite my preconcieved notions, i actually really enjoy group fitness. most of my successes i have attributed to one of my instructors who became my fitness motivator and mentor, and later, friend (J).
the studio is run by a fitness powerhouse (M) who wanted to do her own thing. word of mouth got around town that her programs were the best and results-driven and despite the price, you'd walk away happy with your end result. i joined and was pretty happy with everything there.
so J had instructed there nearly 3 years and has had enough of M. M is a nice enough person, but not kind. she's the kind of person you really wouldnt want to cross, as i get the impression that she is vindictive, spiteful, and would likely carry a grudge till the end of days. J has decided to open her new place and it's opening sept 1...M is furious.
so i've been bb messaging J and she's been telling me that her name is being smeared through the mud all over facebook and her phone has been ringing off the hook. see? she sent a rather innocuous email inviting all of us to her new studio's opening. somehow this news got around to M and now M wont take her calls. J had been trying to tell her in person, apparently, but that didnt pan out for some reason.
so it's the usual girl shit going on in the hat...
but really, who can blame J for wanting out? she was treated like a slave while M sat back and called all the shots without being willing to listen to any suggestions or helpful hints.
the day isnt over and already the mudslinging has started...i think it's just warming up. meanwhile i'll just keep a low profile, but i already know where my allegiance lies.
fuckin girl shit...
so i'm contemplating leaving facebook behind forever.
i just dont know why it is that i keep going back...is it boredom? curiousity? an inner desire to be a voyeur and facebook scratches that itch?
it's probably "yes" to all counts.
i have to admit that when i first joined i thought "what is the point?" but at the time, i had only a couple of friends and my understanding of the site was limited. but then i discovered the email link to "find friends" and i was off and running. and then search? holy crap, i found people! from elementary! from old jobs! cousins! friends of friends! it all seemed so exciting and i was caught up in it. it's fun to look at other peoples' albums, their thoughts, their friend lists...
and that's where the voyeurism begins...you start looking for people you dated and what they're doing. case in point was my ex bf dean. we dated in university at the end of my 3rd year and throughout the fourth and onto calgary. once we moved in together the relationship exploded or imploded and i was out of there in six months without looking back, i might add.
dean was not a stunner, but at the time he filled a gap in my life. suddenly i wasnt lonely or bored anymore because i had someone who entertained me and could make me laugh. dean was smart and his intelligence was a big hand up in all those god damned english courses i took. (aside: i STILL dream that i've got a huge paper due in 2 days and i havent started it...and seriously, i've been out of university since 1994. i wake up in a SWEAT after this dream.) dean would proof read my papers and pick out the mistakes and i got better grades thanks to him. i also stopped going to the pub all the time, which i think did save my grades too. go figure.
but what dean really didnt have was much tact. or grace. or humility. he had been picked on all his life because he was nerdly and as a result, dean developed a defensive core and was quite hostile about things, but mostly? he was known for being brutally honest. brutally honest to the point of lacking any grace while telling you that you sucked. what was worse, he found it amusing that we called him "brutally honest dean". i also hated that he would try to be funny and be the FIRST person laughing at his jokes. oh and his jokes? they'd be at someone else's expense...always. fucker.
where dean was honest about telling YOU how much you sucked, he also was a sneak. you could see it in his eyes. he'd sneak around and through things, which drove me nuts. even at the dinner table it was a constant battle to eat a proper meal because it felt like a competition for food and had me feeling that fight or flight anxiety that i might not get properly fed because he was always eating the last of everything.
my whole point is that he and i parted ways in 1995, which was probably 1yr in the making anyway. after a few months of radio silence, we finally talked. i dont even know what started that, but i remember we went out for dinner one night just to hang out. we had lapses in our friendship and i think those gaps were bridged after a few years, most likely after a night of drinking i probably drunk dialled him. who knows. and then he moved to edmonton, just kinda where i felt like we could be friends. i even went to visit him there once and we hung out.
then i moved here and in one email to me he asked how med hat was and whether i was "making everyone around you miserable as usual". there it was again: fucking brutally honest dean. i got pissed and never returned his emails. fuck him.
facebook came along, which allowed me to peer into his life without telling him i was looking. so now he's married to an average looking person with 2 kids now. hey, i wish him happiness, but most of all i wish his wife happiness because she'll need it. he's whiny, immature, petulant, and frankly, a big pain in the ass who is emotionally needy and cries (yes) at the drop of a hat. who needs that shit? but it's fun as all hell to look and he has NO IDEA i'm looking.
but then other shit starts there where you end up feeling hurt over shit that meant nothing to you 2 yrs ago. someone ditches you on facebook? well, as much as i want to laugh @ how stupid it is, it still hurts. and it's conflicting because you wonder what you did or didnt do and you spend time agonizing over it; time you wont get back, which leaves you angry that you wasted any time thinking about it.
then there are the friends that you really dont like or care about, but you have them on your friend list "just because". and you agonize about getting rid of them because you really dont give a shit when they post stupid shit like "little fred peed on the potty today". i'm sorry, but that is so fucking uninteresting, i want to puke.
of course because i live in small town central, if you ditch someone on facebook, chances are you will surely run into them at your local wal-mart and have an anxiety provoking 2 seconds (which really feels like an eternity) of whether you should acknowledge them or if you should turn on your heel and go in the opposite direction? or worse yet, you wonder if you deleting them has them pissed at you, and then you worry if they'll be hostile or unforgiving.
so it all starts out as a harmless social network, but then very quickly evolves to more awkward social innuendo and new learned experiences of how to handle the most trivial of things.
i had left fb in october because i had deleted friends who then sent me the email of "did you leave fb?" and because i couldnt lie and say "yes, i left", i just deleted my profile. again, fb causes rifts in your social life.
and i think the concept of fb is intriguing. afterall, it IS cool to see what your best friend from grade 1 is now up to, or to spy on that fake bitch you hated in highschool, but honestly? it just turns into a web of problems. problems that i find incredibly exhausting to face or solve.
so for now, i'm still there...but who knows how much longer.
ps, there will be more on this, i swear....
sundays are a religion around here. ch is absolutely addicted to the nfl...trades, fantasy football, magazines, paraphanalia, you name it. i have to admit that sometimes it's addicting, too.
...or at least the enthusiasm makes it seem appealing, until you actually get to the day itself and then the magic is kinda lost. we buy "sunday ticket football" from shaw, which really translates to "tracy pays an extra $40 on her cable bill so that ch can watch 364+hrs of football on sundays". ok, i might be exaggerating, but not by much. chris will get up around 10 and hit the ground running and somedays he'll get up earlier with the excitement that a kid would generate for xmas day. he will run downstairs, open the laptop and start his fantasy football trades. he's been in a group of 12 guys who meet and discuss football and make their fantasy teams and argue and cuss and swear and drink a lot of beer while doing so. and then he'll come home and discuss ad nauseum every detail, every discussion, every trade, and yammer on about stats. trust me, i've perfected the art of pretending to pay attention, but really? i'm not.
so once the trades are made, the snarky comments left on the various bulletin boards on the internet, he will turn on the tv to the pregame shows where four hot heads will sit and pontificate about the upcoming games. sometimes they're interesting, particularly the clothing choices of dion sanders, but mostly, it's just a bunch of overpaid, marginally talented, slightly stupid, ageing mouths discussing people who could literally run circles around their criticism.
11am hits and that's kickoff of the first game. sunday ticket allows ch to get as many games as he wants. what is VERY frustrating about it is that it's in our livingroom for starters, so that means he's basically dominating the entire main floor of our house. when you only have a 1300 sq foot house, that domination seems to be overwhelming. combine that with a volume that would make my grandmother blush, and you are running out of options quickly. it's usually when i will resurrect the stevenson in me and head out to shop and get OUT of the noise, or else find other projects to do that will take me away and (preferrably) OUT of the house. the second (or third?) frustrating part of it is that if i'm feeling remotely charitable and sit down to A) listen to him describe trades, players, or game strategies, or B) try to pay attention to the game, he will cut back and forth between games...so just when you are actually rooting for a team, or getting into the game ~ZAP~ goes the remote, and it's onto another game. tres, tres penible.
i usually just give up at that point and get out of the house.
he will stay in his old sweats all day long...unshowered, hair a-kimbo, and beard raw and messy. he is more than content to sit there for the entire day in the same position watching both the game and the internet for the changes in his points of his fantasy team.
football consumes ch is ways i can not comprehend. already the countdown is on and next weekend marks the beginning of the fantasy league and the sign of 17+ long weeks of endless conversations about players, injuries, and stats and hours of me really trying hard to win an oscar for best supporting wife in the "give a damn" category.
you can see how that stresses a girl out, right?
and fall it feels like...
the other night i looked out the window and it was DARK. like dark-assed and strange to see it SO dark @ 9pm! what's going on here? not only that, it FEELS like fall...it's just in the air. maybe it's because the little sprogs are going back to school or wardrobes have been bought, or leaves are already starting to turn, but fall is most definitely in the air.
fall is a season i love and loathe all in one breath. i love the colors, but at the same time, a sadness permeates, knowing full well that the same pretty yellow-red leaves will be off that tree on my grass. the sky seems SO blue in contrast to the yellowed grass below. SEPTEMBER VOGUE comes out, which is thicker than hell and full of advice and sage fashion wisdom. i've never purchased it, but in my magazine slinging days, it was a bitch to haul around because five of them were like the weight of 25. oh i might just go and support old newswest and run to mac's and get a vogue for the hell of it...see what old anna wintour has to say about what's cool this year. (speaking of her, i SO want to see 'the september issue')
but yeah, it feels like fall and the closing of yet another chapter. fall always brings possibilities to my life, but not quite the same way spring does. spring makes you feel like anything is possible, but fall doesnt leave me quite as optimistic. sure, there are things to look forward to, but mostly i find myself searching for things to do to take away the pain of winter's embrace that is sure to come earlier, despite it being a freaking cold summer.
it's right around this time of year where i get the itch to paint. reds! oranges! browns! blues! greens! i want it, and i want it ALL on my walls, now! thankfully i took a small step out on a ledge last year and painted the livingroom and i havent regretted it for a second. i completed that project in a record couple of days...two bathrooms and the kitchen and livingroom. i was SO excited and once i found out that painting is really quite simple and it's almost like therapy, except it's more expensive. it's the time alone, the oohing and aahing over colors, the swatches, the smell of the fresh paint, and the way it pours into the tray that has me drooling for more. seeing as i cant even draw an effective stickman, i get quite excited about painting a wall. how badly can you f*ck that up? well, if you ask certain critics, they'll tell you that you can really make a spectacular mess of your walls and your life, but come on...it's just PAINT. it can be touched up or painted over, right?
so i want to tackle the bedroom and paint it. i want to paint the feature wall the same color of orange we had in our hotel room in mexico @ the fairmont mayakoba. i know what you're thinking: orange? who the eff thinks orange is pretty? it's ok, you can say it. i am one who hates white and i'm not afraid to say so, so you can critique orange all day long! i can take it! but this orange? oh, it was so pretty! pictures do not do it justice but it's just so "vacationy" and i think it would compliment our room nicely. see for yourself:
i think it's gorgeous.
i never liked orange as a kid, but as an adult i've managed to gravitate toward it, whether i realised it or not. i think it all started out with buying crafty (crap) @ michael's that all seemed to be of the fall leaf variety. from there, it moved to buying orange accessories for the house from winner's, and then i found myself incorporating orange into my wardrobe. and the other day? i just noticed that i have a shitload of marigolds in my front garden that are literally my pride and joy and they are ORANGE. AND RED. AND YELLOW. but mostly ORANGE. (which reminds me, i should take pictures of them because i am in love with them...costco rocks).
but i've got the itch...first the bedroom, then the office will be next, i think. i have many months of sundays ahead to execute my plans and scratch that itch!
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