i saw my first ladybug of the season today.
its stark red jumped out at me from the alley's brown mush. it was slowly moving along, clearly affected by the cold.
i have no idea where that ladybug came from or why it was out, but i am sure that it's a sign of spring...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
OMFG, crazy bitches
so i'm going to yyc saturday with a friend. she wants to be there by 9:30 when the stores open. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. that means leaving here by SIX THIRTY on a fucking saturday.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
endings
here's how it went down. i'm not even sure i want to write this or share it but maybe it's therapy.
so i had kind of figured out that the cat wasnt doing too well. thursday i was watching her try to drink water at the dish and it broke my heart. i had brought out a spoon to see if she would drink from it and altho she took a few licks, it wouldnt be enough. the thirst was there, but the ability wasnt. it was hard to witness. thursday night i figured i'd try to book a dental earlier for her at another vet office, thinking that if i could get her in earlier that i'd have a chance of saving her.
when i woke friday and looked at her, i knew i really couldnt. there was hope there, but so much had changed with the cat that she really wasnt herself. she no longer laid in the sunbeam in the mornings, she didnt scratch the stairs with vigor, she just laid there. she was either laying beside the couch and plant, or on the kitchen chair, or at her water dish looking in as if she was narcissus himself. it wasnt sid behaviour. i told ch that i thought i'd have to make that decision and that i was so uncertain of whether she could be saved and he said that we should get a second opinion of it and get someone honest to figure out whether it would be worth it to put her through a dental.
i called a vet's office and explained the situation and they were immediately concerned and fit me in, so i drove off with her. she sat on my lap and meowed quietly the whole way, but stayed stationary and looked out the window. she was happy enough to sit there and be held. we got to the vet and i discovered that it was my long lost vet that i had a previous pet relationship with and i was immediately relieved. not only is he hot as hell, he had been so helpful with our dogs the last few times we had them in there. i liked his calm manner and kindness...always an asset. and compared to the stephane dion lookalike that i had on feb 3, this guy easily batted it out of the park.
i was feeling much better talking to dr gupta. he looked at sid and listened to me describe her symptoms. then he checked her fur and said that it wasnt nearly as elastic. when cats are dehydrated, their skin will tent when pulled, as opposed to bounce right back. sid's tented and stayed up. he said that she was severely dehydrated and would need fluids for a few days via iv if she was to have surgery. he felt the lump that was on the right side of her neck and wasnt too sure what it was but thought it could be some kind of hypothyroidism or else a tumor of some sort. then he looked in her mouth and uttered the words every pet owner dreads: OH.
it's one syllable you dont want to hear when your pet's future hangs in the balance.
so then he said he thought i should look at it and went to get his assistant. he got his kind assistant in and she held sid while samir opened her mouth and showed me the big lump at the back of her throat on the right side. it was where our wisdom teeth would be and it was big and puffy and red and in places it looked as if parts of the skin were rubbed raw. and then he pointed at her tongue which was pushed to the left side because of the tumor and told me that wasnt right. he mentioned that the tumor there would make it incredibly difficult for her to swallow and would explain the light eating and drinking.
he said that it would take days before she was hydrated enough to undergo surgery and then he could possibly remove the tumor in her mouth, but he wasnt sure about the one on her neck. i started crying, the floodgates wouldnt stop and said that i thought i should euthanise her. then, always asking for reassurance, i asked him if that was the best course of action. he told me that i could sink thousands into surgeries with unknown results which wouldnt necessarily guarantee the survival of my siddy. his honesty made my decision much easier to make.
i was adamant that i couldnt stay for her end. i just couldnt. i'd be tempted to yell out NO, DONT in the middle of it and i couldnt, knowing that her comfort was more important than my human emotions and inability to let go. so they brought in the papers and i said i wanted her ashes and wanted an urn. they then brought in the samples while i held my cat. i chose her final resting place and they left us together for a few moments to say our goodbyes.
it wasnt easy. i cried. i thanked her for being so good and apologised. see, i felt and still feel as if i let her down, even tho i know that there wouldnt be anything that could have prevented what happened to her, but i felt as if i had to say that i was sorry for leaving her. initially she was on the table on a towel and wouldnt stay there but when i moved that towel to my lap, she laid there and purred and stayed. it was in those few quiet moments i wondered if she knew her end.
the knock finally came and they asked if i was ready to let her go and i handed her over, scratched her on the head and said, "bye lil weepy".
i paid my bill and left. i couldnt see in the parking lot for the tears. couldnt get the damned jeep to move in 2 wheel drive. finally got it moving and drove home like a tear stained zombie. i got here and washed all her things, the towels she'd slept on, the cat blankies, my coat where she had drooled and like a drone, i rearranged the furniture in the livingroom and took a shower. i just couldnt bear to wear the same clothes and to have the couch sit where it sat and always be looking for her.
it was a hard day. and as i sit here i look at the three furry faces all in various stages of sleep and i know i'm going to have to do this again. three very difficult days, combined with perhaps weeks of agonizing. it's the endings that always make you wonder why you began, but when you think about the years of happiness, companionship, and love you are given, you would probably do it all again in a heartbeat.
i'm going to miss you my little siddy weep, my weepy chee, my littlest kitten.
so i had kind of figured out that the cat wasnt doing too well. thursday i was watching her try to drink water at the dish and it broke my heart. i had brought out a spoon to see if she would drink from it and altho she took a few licks, it wouldnt be enough. the thirst was there, but the ability wasnt. it was hard to witness. thursday night i figured i'd try to book a dental earlier for her at another vet office, thinking that if i could get her in earlier that i'd have a chance of saving her.
when i woke friday and looked at her, i knew i really couldnt. there was hope there, but so much had changed with the cat that she really wasnt herself. she no longer laid in the sunbeam in the mornings, she didnt scratch the stairs with vigor, she just laid there. she was either laying beside the couch and plant, or on the kitchen chair, or at her water dish looking in as if she was narcissus himself. it wasnt sid behaviour. i told ch that i thought i'd have to make that decision and that i was so uncertain of whether she could be saved and he said that we should get a second opinion of it and get someone honest to figure out whether it would be worth it to put her through a dental.
i called a vet's office and explained the situation and they were immediately concerned and fit me in, so i drove off with her. she sat on my lap and meowed quietly the whole way, but stayed stationary and looked out the window. she was happy enough to sit there and be held. we got to the vet and i discovered that it was my long lost vet that i had a previous pet relationship with and i was immediately relieved. not only is he hot as hell, he had been so helpful with our dogs the last few times we had them in there. i liked his calm manner and kindness...always an asset. and compared to the stephane dion lookalike that i had on feb 3, this guy easily batted it out of the park.
i was feeling much better talking to dr gupta. he looked at sid and listened to me describe her symptoms. then he checked her fur and said that it wasnt nearly as elastic. when cats are dehydrated, their skin will tent when pulled, as opposed to bounce right back. sid's tented and stayed up. he said that she was severely dehydrated and would need fluids for a few days via iv if she was to have surgery. he felt the lump that was on the right side of her neck and wasnt too sure what it was but thought it could be some kind of hypothyroidism or else a tumor of some sort. then he looked in her mouth and uttered the words every pet owner dreads: OH.
it's one syllable you dont want to hear when your pet's future hangs in the balance.
so then he said he thought i should look at it and went to get his assistant. he got his kind assistant in and she held sid while samir opened her mouth and showed me the big lump at the back of her throat on the right side. it was where our wisdom teeth would be and it was big and puffy and red and in places it looked as if parts of the skin were rubbed raw. and then he pointed at her tongue which was pushed to the left side because of the tumor and told me that wasnt right. he mentioned that the tumor there would make it incredibly difficult for her to swallow and would explain the light eating and drinking.
he said that it would take days before she was hydrated enough to undergo surgery and then he could possibly remove the tumor in her mouth, but he wasnt sure about the one on her neck. i started crying, the floodgates wouldnt stop and said that i thought i should euthanise her. then, always asking for reassurance, i asked him if that was the best course of action. he told me that i could sink thousands into surgeries with unknown results which wouldnt necessarily guarantee the survival of my siddy. his honesty made my decision much easier to make.
i was adamant that i couldnt stay for her end. i just couldnt. i'd be tempted to yell out NO, DONT in the middle of it and i couldnt, knowing that her comfort was more important than my human emotions and inability to let go. so they brought in the papers and i said i wanted her ashes and wanted an urn. they then brought in the samples while i held my cat. i chose her final resting place and they left us together for a few moments to say our goodbyes.
it wasnt easy. i cried. i thanked her for being so good and apologised. see, i felt and still feel as if i let her down, even tho i know that there wouldnt be anything that could have prevented what happened to her, but i felt as if i had to say that i was sorry for leaving her. initially she was on the table on a towel and wouldnt stay there but when i moved that towel to my lap, she laid there and purred and stayed. it was in those few quiet moments i wondered if she knew her end.
the knock finally came and they asked if i was ready to let her go and i handed her over, scratched her on the head and said, "bye lil weepy".
i paid my bill and left. i couldnt see in the parking lot for the tears. couldnt get the damned jeep to move in 2 wheel drive. finally got it moving and drove home like a tear stained zombie. i got here and washed all her things, the towels she'd slept on, the cat blankies, my coat where she had drooled and like a drone, i rearranged the furniture in the livingroom and took a shower. i just couldnt bear to wear the same clothes and to have the couch sit where it sat and always be looking for her.
it was a hard day. and as i sit here i look at the three furry faces all in various stages of sleep and i know i'm going to have to do this again. three very difficult days, combined with perhaps weeks of agonizing. it's the endings that always make you wonder why you began, but when you think about the years of happiness, companionship, and love you are given, you would probably do it all again in a heartbeat.
i'm going to miss you my little siddy weep, my weepy chee, my littlest kitten.
tick tock
i know time heals all wounds. i get that. i'm hurting in ways i cant possibly understand, but i know it will get better eventually.
it's funny, i oscillate from happy to sad. and ya know, it doesnt take much...whether it's a song, a thought, or the absence of a white face at my lunch table.
at one point tonight i thought i caught a glimpse of her face and was going to call out her nickname (chipeeee!) and had to stop myself short because it was her face where tasha's was. but for that brief moment i swore it was her looking at me from the couch.
i'm sure she is everywhere: from the corner where she used to sit, to the area where the sun streamed in where she'd roll and bask, to the slowly falling flakes of snow which will always remind me of getting in my jeep and leaving her behind for good...i know she is somewhere and not just in my heart.
it's funny, i oscillate from happy to sad. and ya know, it doesnt take much...whether it's a song, a thought, or the absence of a white face at my lunch table.
at one point tonight i thought i caught a glimpse of her face and was going to call out her nickname (chipeeee!) and had to stop myself short because it was her face where tasha's was. but for that brief moment i swore it was her looking at me from the couch.
i'm sure she is everywhere: from the corner where she used to sit, to the area where the sun streamed in where she'd roll and bask, to the slowly falling flakes of snow which will always remind me of getting in my jeep and leaving her behind for good...i know she is somewhere and not just in my heart.
Friday, February 19, 2010
2nd opinions
i'm off to another vet for a second opinion on the cat.
ch has been really supportive and has said that we should investigate our options before we put the cat to sleep. he said he doesnt care about the cost, provided we know we will get a healthy cat out of it. and if it turns out that we have to make a big decision, then at least we can knowing we did with a professional opinion behind us, other than "i dont know".
appointment is at 3:15...i'm hoping for clarity.
ch has been really supportive and has said that we should investigate our options before we put the cat to sleep. he said he doesnt care about the cost, provided we know we will get a healthy cat out of it. and if it turns out that we have to make a big decision, then at least we can knowing we did with a professional opinion behind us, other than "i dont know".
appointment is at 3:15...i'm hoping for clarity.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
spark this
i log my calories at sparkpeople.com.
for the last 12 hrs, their website has been down.
ordinarily that wouldnt be a problem, but i rely heavily on my calorie counts and recording them and meeting my daily caloric limits and at the present time, i have no idea where i stand. am i close to 1700? not close? what?
it drives me nuts not to know. usually at night, i find i'm trying to cram in over 700 calories to meet my daily requirements and that's probably not a good thing. it's best to space all that shit out, i realise, but during the day i'm not as *hungry* as i feel at night. i can eat a good breakfast and lunch and be ok till just before class and at that point i'm usually around 700-900 calories and feeling good. it's from 6pm onward where it kinda goes sideways and the pressure's on to meet those calories.
i know, i know, i could eat more during the day and a smaller meal at night, but i do enjoy having a large amount of calories in the bank, so to speak, so that i can enjoy my dinner, possibly occasionally have red meat (which is a huge calorie zapper) or if i feel like a beer, i can have one. ya know?
i really should go back to the old fashioned way of journalling and stop relying on the internet...
it's hard to let go of it.
so until tomorrow, i'm going to wonder where i end up. i suppose it's ok...i'm going for dinner tomorrow night, so maybe it's a good thing that i'm saving up? who knows.
for the last 12 hrs, their website has been down.
ordinarily that wouldnt be a problem, but i rely heavily on my calorie counts and recording them and meeting my daily caloric limits and at the present time, i have no idea where i stand. am i close to 1700? not close? what?
it drives me nuts not to know. usually at night, i find i'm trying to cram in over 700 calories to meet my daily requirements and that's probably not a good thing. it's best to space all that shit out, i realise, but during the day i'm not as *hungry* as i feel at night. i can eat a good breakfast and lunch and be ok till just before class and at that point i'm usually around 700-900 calories and feeling good. it's from 6pm onward where it kinda goes sideways and the pressure's on to meet those calories.
i know, i know, i could eat more during the day and a smaller meal at night, but i do enjoy having a large amount of calories in the bank, so to speak, so that i can enjoy my dinner, possibly occasionally have red meat (which is a huge calorie zapper) or if i feel like a beer, i can have one. ya know?
i really should go back to the old fashioned way of journalling and stop relying on the internet...
it's hard to let go of it.
so until tomorrow, i'm going to wonder where i end up. i suppose it's ok...i'm going for dinner tomorrow night, so maybe it's a good thing that i'm saving up? who knows.
angst
i'm sorry this blog has been so blarg. yeah, it's more of a blarg than a blog. it's just how this month has gone, i'm afraid.
i'm still wondering what to do about the cat. i was determined as of 16:00hrs to put her to sleep, that it was the only option.
then i got home from the gym and fed her yogurt and the cat ate it. i gave her milk and she drank it. maybe small sips, but she did nonetheless. after a while, she got up and played in the waterdish. she would chase the bubbles and want to play with them. i got down and grabbed a spoon and she lapped some water out of the spoon which made me think that i could possibly hydrate her that way. fuck, i think i'm going loco with this.
then i started hoping that i could just call a couple of vet clinics in the hat to see if i can get her in for surgery in the next 48-72hrs. i'm definitely considering that right now...so i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and make the calls and see. my regular clinic cant do it till march 5th and that's a no go for me, so i'm going to start making calls and seeing what happens.
if i come up with nothing, i might try the clinic in maple creek. YES, it's in saskatchewan. i KNOW. but i have heard good things about it...good drs and prices...and it will be my final hope.
if there are negative answers, i will then turn to euthanasia. i dont want the cat to suffer much longer and i dont think she can hold on till march 16th. and even if she does, i think she wont be in any shape to operate on.
my biggest regret is not booking the surgery feb 3rd when i was initially in to the vet. i should have done it then because they would have got me in within the last 2 weeks and i'd have my answers....
i wonder if it's going to be my biggest regret in all this, second to not giving her all her antibiotics....
i'm still wondering what to do about the cat. i was determined as of 16:00hrs to put her to sleep, that it was the only option.
then i got home from the gym and fed her yogurt and the cat ate it. i gave her milk and she drank it. maybe small sips, but she did nonetheless. after a while, she got up and played in the waterdish. she would chase the bubbles and want to play with them. i got down and grabbed a spoon and she lapped some water out of the spoon which made me think that i could possibly hydrate her that way. fuck, i think i'm going loco with this.
then i started hoping that i could just call a couple of vet clinics in the hat to see if i can get her in for surgery in the next 48-72hrs. i'm definitely considering that right now...so i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and make the calls and see. my regular clinic cant do it till march 5th and that's a no go for me, so i'm going to start making calls and seeing what happens.
if i come up with nothing, i might try the clinic in maple creek. YES, it's in saskatchewan. i KNOW. but i have heard good things about it...good drs and prices...and it will be my final hope.
if there are negative answers, i will then turn to euthanasia. i dont want the cat to suffer much longer and i dont think she can hold on till march 16th. and even if she does, i think she wont be in any shape to operate on.
my biggest regret is not booking the surgery feb 3rd when i was initially in to the vet. i should have done it then because they would have got me in within the last 2 weeks and i'd have my answers....
i wonder if it's going to be my biggest regret in all this, second to not giving her all her antibiotics....
annoying crazy maker
i am still tenatively going to yyc with my crazy friend sandra. we used to walk together quite a bit back in 2008 in the spring and she's never quite let that go. ever since then, she's gone on endlessly that she's tried to replace me as a walking partner but nobody was as good as me. uhm, what? blowingsmokeupmyass huh? i dont get it. it's always with the manipulative shit and i hate it. she's always going on that she was absolutely the fittest when we walked together...i only have so many hours in a day for crazy shit.
i got sick and tired of being the walking psychologist to her insecurities. and she is one person who never quite learns from her mistakes. case in point, she keeps going back to the guy who beats her and calls her useless. so she will always update me and say "i did it again...why do i keep going back to him when he treats me this badly?" i never have answers. i just think she is stupid. i mean, really, if you are going to let someone physically and mentally abuse you and you are aware of it and fucking tell everyone about it, then you are fucking dumber than words. i dont want to hear it. it's like being aware that your stove burner is red hot, but touching it and then bitching about it for hours and then going and touching it again once the scar heals.
evidently this chick has never learned from mistakes.
i know that some people out there are like seductive kryptonite. you know they are bad, but you cant help but be attracted to them. we've all done it. i can say i have too. but i really draw the line at being attracted to someone who constantly berates you and slaps you around.
i also draw the line at being the counsellor and having to hear about it. professional help isnt that much these days and when you work where sandra does, you have a kickass benefits program that will pay for it...so why not invest the time and money into counselling instead of being attracted to the wrong person? i guess i'll never make a good counsellor because i have little time and patience for people who refuse to learn life's lessons. christallmighty, the lesson is constantly being spoon fed to her and she refuses to absorb anything, but wants me to feel sorry for her...i just cant.
so now she is bugging me wanting to go walking because the weather is improving. walks are always in her neck of the city and are on her time. yes, i need the exercise, but when it's accompanied by crazy talk, i just have little patience for it. i'm going to have to delicately side step that conversation...
fuck, why do i attract the fucking crazies?
i got sick and tired of being the walking psychologist to her insecurities. and she is one person who never quite learns from her mistakes. case in point, she keeps going back to the guy who beats her and calls her useless. so she will always update me and say "i did it again...why do i keep going back to him when he treats me this badly?" i never have answers. i just think she is stupid. i mean, really, if you are going to let someone physically and mentally abuse you and you are aware of it and fucking tell everyone about it, then you are fucking dumber than words. i dont want to hear it. it's like being aware that your stove burner is red hot, but touching it and then bitching about it for hours and then going and touching it again once the scar heals.
evidently this chick has never learned from mistakes.
i know that some people out there are like seductive kryptonite. you know they are bad, but you cant help but be attracted to them. we've all done it. i can say i have too. but i really draw the line at being attracted to someone who constantly berates you and slaps you around.
i also draw the line at being the counsellor and having to hear about it. professional help isnt that much these days and when you work where sandra does, you have a kickass benefits program that will pay for it...so why not invest the time and money into counselling instead of being attracted to the wrong person? i guess i'll never make a good counsellor because i have little time and patience for people who refuse to learn life's lessons. christallmighty, the lesson is constantly being spoon fed to her and she refuses to absorb anything, but wants me to feel sorry for her...i just cant.
so now she is bugging me wanting to go walking because the weather is improving. walks are always in her neck of the city and are on her time. yes, i need the exercise, but when it's accompanied by crazy talk, i just have little patience for it. i'm going to have to delicately side step that conversation...
fuck, why do i attract the fucking crazies?
Ray Burton
i stumbled across ray's website thanks to my habit of listening to cbc religiously. they were interviewing him and talking about his personal training.
he writes a blog and altho at times it's rash with spelling errors (sorry, i hate it when people mix up "you're" and "your"), he has some great advice.
one thing i picked up: T-F-A-R
Thoughts lead to Feelings causing Actions that create your Results.
i like it.
you can see ray's website at buildingbodies.ca
he writes a blog and altho at times it's rash with spelling errors (sorry, i hate it when people mix up "you're" and "your"), he has some great advice.
one thing i picked up: T-F-A-R
Thoughts lead to Feelings causing Actions that create your Results.
i like it.
you can see ray's website at buildingbodies.ca
pros and cons
pros to having feline dental surgery:
- cat potentially lives longer
- cat stops being in pain
- i can enjoy my cat longer
- cat has a 50-50 chance of making it through anesthesia
- endless bouts of pills to make her well
- dental problems might not be the cause of her distress; it could be worse
- it's expensive, starting at $450
- the stress of leaving her there at the clinic and wondering if she will make it
- paying for surgery and having the cat die
updates
i've been watching sid for the last day or so and things are not getting better. there definitely is desire there to eat and drink but she is unable. today she went up to her water dish and sniffed the water, clearly wanting it, but then did nothing. it was as if she was trying to remember what to do next. she sat there and then extended herself as if she was resting her head on the dish.
the desire to drink and eat is still there, but the capacity to is diminished.
i tried phoning the vet to see if i could get an earlier dental surgery, but they cant do it. the next available day is the 5th of march and there's no way because we leave the 6th for that fucking hawaii trip. and i hate to curse it because i've looked forward to it for so long, but i am pissed about it and the timing of everything.
i feel quite pressured to do the right thing by the cat. no heating blanket, towel stretched out, or fussing is making her eat or drink properly. and i dont think that a cat can survive long if it doesnt drink water. eventually her organs will start shutting down.
when i think of how much pain she likely is in, i feel sick to my stomach. i wish there was something i could do to make it stop right now. something herbal or good for cats. i'm at the point now where i wonder if i should start thinking of putting her to sleep instead of going through a dental procedure. thinking of that makes me upset immediately, but i know that it would be for the best for the cat.
ch wants me to call around and see if other clinics can get her in faster...i may do that, but i have to think about it and weigh the pros and cons.
the desire to drink and eat is still there, but the capacity to is diminished.
i tried phoning the vet to see if i could get an earlier dental surgery, but they cant do it. the next available day is the 5th of march and there's no way because we leave the 6th for that fucking hawaii trip. and i hate to curse it because i've looked forward to it for so long, but i am pissed about it and the timing of everything.
i feel quite pressured to do the right thing by the cat. no heating blanket, towel stretched out, or fussing is making her eat or drink properly. and i dont think that a cat can survive long if it doesnt drink water. eventually her organs will start shutting down.
when i think of how much pain she likely is in, i feel sick to my stomach. i wish there was something i could do to make it stop right now. something herbal or good for cats. i'm at the point now where i wonder if i should start thinking of putting her to sleep instead of going through a dental procedure. thinking of that makes me upset immediately, but i know that it would be for the best for the cat.
ch wants me to call around and see if other clinics can get her in faster...i may do that, but i have to think about it and weigh the pros and cons.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
smother
today was the first time in a long time i called my mom to chat. except for xmas day, i think it had been about a year since i called her to talk. i know it sounds incredibly odd, but that is how it is. or, as my aunt sandy would existentially put it "it is what it is".
i had to call mom tho to bounce off some ideas about the cat and get her feedback. she's had plenty of experience in sick and ailing felines and so i do turn to her for assistance in these times. she's all in favour of me getting the dental for sid, so i think i'm doing the right thing.
when we were talking, tho, we thought that maybe it's best for her to get it march 3rd and then bring her home for the 2 days and then send her back to be boarded while i'm in maui so that she does get proper care...
tomorrow i'm calling the vet to see if there are earlier openings than march 3rd, and if not, then rebooking for the 3rd if i can get boarding in addition to it.
still...i am kicking myself for not doing any of this earlier...jesus.
i had to call mom tho to bounce off some ideas about the cat and get her feedback. she's had plenty of experience in sick and ailing felines and so i do turn to her for assistance in these times. she's all in favour of me getting the dental for sid, so i think i'm doing the right thing.
when we were talking, tho, we thought that maybe it's best for her to get it march 3rd and then bring her home for the 2 days and then send her back to be boarded while i'm in maui so that she does get proper care...
tomorrow i'm calling the vet to see if there are earlier openings than march 3rd, and if not, then rebooking for the 3rd if i can get boarding in addition to it.
still...i am kicking myself for not doing any of this earlier...jesus.
decisions where the end game isnt favourable
i'm still at a crossroads with my cat. she's not doing any better.
of course it might help slightly if i would fight with her twice a day to give her antibiotics, but i have since given up. call me a failure. god knows i do it daily. there is so much guilt racked up over it, i dont even know how to dig myself out of it. sure, i probably could crush up her pill and try to get it down her in alternative ways, but it's a difficult challenge with three other competitive mouths always on the hunt for new treats.
sometimes having more than one animal sucks. hard.
right now i am thinking of going ahead with the dental surgery for the cat. there is a 50-50 chance she will make it out alive. i dont know at this point if saying no to it is being fair to her. afterall, she is lethargic and drooling and spends most of her time hiding between the couch and my plant. is that really a life for a cat?
there is still desire to live, which gives me hope. she is interested in eating and drinking and that's always a good sign. it's that small flicker that tells me that her life is worth fighting for and you really can not assign a cost to it, no matter how insanely priced veterinarian services are. i want this cat to have a happy time on earth and right now i dont think it is pleasant.
i called the vet's office this afternoon to ask questions and for once the lady that is usually snarky and short was kind and accommodating. patient. that's a first, but i was grateful for it. i asked a plethora of questions and she understood where i was coming from and patiently answered.
initially i was going to get sid into a procedure on the 3rd of march. i had really hoped that i could get her in next week so that i could sort shit out before we left on the 6th for hawaii, but that wont happen. if i got her in on the 3rd, it would really mean dropping her off on the 2nd to be hooked to an iv (because they recommend that for older cats) and then undergoing the procedure the next day at 8am. i'd spend the whole day wondering and worrying whether she'd make it out alive and would theoretically be allowed to take her home by five.
seeing as we are heading to hawaii three days later, i dont feel comfortable leaving her after her surgery (should she survive). instead, i booked it tenatively for the 16th of march, which is the day after we return. the same deal would apply: i'd have to take her in the afternoon of the 15th, but i think i can handle that.
potentially it could be our last interaction. there is that part of me that feels immense sorrow, but there's the other side of me that thinks that it will be what it will be. if she dies on the table, then reluctantly i can accept that it is how fate meant it. and i hope that if she dies, it is a peaceful one without struggle and suffering.
of course it kills me to say that and write it and already the tears are starting, but i have to do what's right by my cat. it's at the point where i cant continue to witness her sliding downhill. i just regret not doing it a few weeks ago because i now am worrying and wondering if she will be fit enough to make the surgery in less than a month.
i just know that heartache comes with owning pets. you know when you get them that these days will surely come, but when they do, trust me, you wish it would happen tomorrow.
of course it might help slightly if i would fight with her twice a day to give her antibiotics, but i have since given up. call me a failure. god knows i do it daily. there is so much guilt racked up over it, i dont even know how to dig myself out of it. sure, i probably could crush up her pill and try to get it down her in alternative ways, but it's a difficult challenge with three other competitive mouths always on the hunt for new treats.
sometimes having more than one animal sucks. hard.
right now i am thinking of going ahead with the dental surgery for the cat. there is a 50-50 chance she will make it out alive. i dont know at this point if saying no to it is being fair to her. afterall, she is lethargic and drooling and spends most of her time hiding between the couch and my plant. is that really a life for a cat?
there is still desire to live, which gives me hope. she is interested in eating and drinking and that's always a good sign. it's that small flicker that tells me that her life is worth fighting for and you really can not assign a cost to it, no matter how insanely priced veterinarian services are. i want this cat to have a happy time on earth and right now i dont think it is pleasant.
i called the vet's office this afternoon to ask questions and for once the lady that is usually snarky and short was kind and accommodating. patient. that's a first, but i was grateful for it. i asked a plethora of questions and she understood where i was coming from and patiently answered.
initially i was going to get sid into a procedure on the 3rd of march. i had really hoped that i could get her in next week so that i could sort shit out before we left on the 6th for hawaii, but that wont happen. if i got her in on the 3rd, it would really mean dropping her off on the 2nd to be hooked to an iv (because they recommend that for older cats) and then undergoing the procedure the next day at 8am. i'd spend the whole day wondering and worrying whether she'd make it out alive and would theoretically be allowed to take her home by five.
seeing as we are heading to hawaii three days later, i dont feel comfortable leaving her after her surgery (should she survive). instead, i booked it tenatively for the 16th of march, which is the day after we return. the same deal would apply: i'd have to take her in the afternoon of the 15th, but i think i can handle that.
potentially it could be our last interaction. there is that part of me that feels immense sorrow, but there's the other side of me that thinks that it will be what it will be. if she dies on the table, then reluctantly i can accept that it is how fate meant it. and i hope that if she dies, it is a peaceful one without struggle and suffering.
of course it kills me to say that and write it and already the tears are starting, but i have to do what's right by my cat. it's at the point where i cant continue to witness her sliding downhill. i just regret not doing it a few weeks ago because i now am worrying and wondering if she will be fit enough to make the surgery in less than a month.
i just know that heartache comes with owning pets. you know when you get them that these days will surely come, but when they do, trust me, you wish it would happen tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
survey says NO.
i get emailed surveys from the marie brighton group. they used to send detailed surveys out by mail but have taken to bombarding my inbox with various surveys about my purchasing habits.
ordinarily i dont mind. today? not the case.
i was given a survey about my banking, something i've filled out before. there must have been 3597459 questions asking the same redundant thing over and over. often, these surveys have a percentage in the upper right hand corner so you can see how far along the survey is...by about 26%, i was pissed off and blindly putting down answers. not bothering to read the questions. just getting angrier that they were wasting my time with this bullshit.
i wonder who reads that stuff and if someone actually compiles data on responses. i wonder if there is a statistic out there that indicates when the average person gets tired of answering questions? it's pretty obvious that these cocks havent quite figured out that magic number yet.
ordinarily i dont mind. today? not the case.
i was given a survey about my banking, something i've filled out before. there must have been 3597459 questions asking the same redundant thing over and over. often, these surveys have a percentage in the upper right hand corner so you can see how far along the survey is...by about 26%, i was pissed off and blindly putting down answers. not bothering to read the questions. just getting angrier that they were wasting my time with this bullshit.
i wonder who reads that stuff and if someone actually compiles data on responses. i wonder if there is a statistic out there that indicates when the average person gets tired of answering questions? it's pretty obvious that these cocks havent quite figured out that magic number yet.
more assholes
we bought those flowers for the mil on friday. we never heard one word of thanks or acknowledgement for them either.
turns out they were going to mexico the day after they were delivered.
great. nothing like flushing $60 for someone who cant be bothered to say thanks.
it's shit like that which drives me nuts. these assholes think they'll be the only ones to teach the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids you knowwwwwwwww manners?
fuck.
turns out they were going to mexico the day after they were delivered.
great. nothing like flushing $60 for someone who cant be bothered to say thanks.
it's shit like that which drives me nuts. these assholes think they'll be the only ones to teach the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids you knowwwwwwwww manners?
fuck.
the puppet
i have a love hate relationship with the sil.
there are some days i can get along with her, and others where she is so insufferable and narcissistic i just want to puke.
i was thinking about her today because she dropped off ch's bday presents for him yesterday. she had texted me wondering if we'd be home yesterday and wanted to drop the stuff off. instead, she went to the shop and did it there. i find it kind of annoying because she will look for any excuse to go to our store and hang out there. on the other hand, i'm relieved because she becomes ch's problem and not mine. if she was coming here, i'd feel as if i'd have to clean up the house because she is a neat freak. when she's all up in my kitchen, my anxiety rises and i stress out, much the same way the inlaws piss me off and give me anxiety issues.
anyway, i was thinking about her because she dropped off a big bag full of tshirts and shorts and swim trunks for ch. nice enough gesture, and i know i really shouldnt hack, but she is one big assed ball of vanilla boringness. every tshirt in there was white, even the shorts were plain black, and the swimsuit was a boring grey. when there are SO many colors and styles out there, why on earth would you go and pick out a plain grey pair of trunks? her entire wardrobe is either black, white, or grey, so i can see her imposing her ideas on ch, but it's SO irritating. what's worse is she thinks it's all normal to go and buy outfits for everyone in the family. i just dont get it.
while she was at the shop, she also dropped off ch's snorkel mask and tube and our digital thermostat. fuck, she is running her parents' errands for them. she just found out a week ago that we were going to hawaii and so she went home and got ch's snorkel mask. every single time we go away on a hot vacation, his dad gets up in our grills about the snorkel gear and how we should pack it and go snorkelling. it's nonstop badgering and nagging that we should pack that shit. and now by proxy, she's fucking up in our faces about snorkelling! fuck off! i think they even dropped off a snorkel set here at our house, or else insisted we pack it on some lame vacation, and it never came out of the fucking suitcase. but they are So adamant that we take and pack that shit, once again imposing their fucking wishes and plans on us. it drives me nuts. so ch just threw this snorkel set on the spare room bed (because isnt that where everything useless goes?? FUCK) and it will sit there. i asked him if he was going to take it and he said "oh i dunno", which translates to NO. he's too afraid to outright say "no" or "i dont want it" to any of these cocksuckers, so we get stuck with this shit piled into our house.
same with the digital thermostat...once again, my fil is getting his nose in our business. he had installed a digital thermostat months ago and then the thing fucking shorted out to the tune of $600 in november. we put the old one back on there and left it, but it wasnt good enough for the fil. he kept phoning us every time canadian tire put out a flyer, to let us know that they were on sale. when his nagging didnt sink in and we didnt automatically drop everything we were doing and sprint to the store after he called, he just took matters into his own hands and bought us one. so i kinda said something snarky about it last night to ch and he was all defensive and saying that it was "on sale"...
what that means is that the fil will fucking butt in here the first chance he has, which i think will be next weekend (woooo, i'm going SHOPPING in yyc....even if it is with the dysfunctional friend...who cares...no inlaws!!) and install it. they are in mexico right now, but you can bet they'll be here the first weekend they possibly can be to fucking butt in and interrupt our lives and yet again take over our house. i swear, he wont rest until our house looks exactly like his and we do everything he does.
but my whole jist to this post is that the sil is a big gigantic puppet for the parents. it's like they just stick their hand up her ass and move her mouth and their words come tumbling out. it's to the point now where she's almost past being a puppet and is more of an extension or an appendage. it's her hand (but really theirs) delivering the digital thermostat and snorkelling gear. it's her voice, but it's her dad's doing the nagging about what "should" be done around here.
this fucking family drives me nuts. i wish they'd wake up and realise that the entire world does not aspire to be anything like any of them.
there are some days i can get along with her, and others where she is so insufferable and narcissistic i just want to puke.
i was thinking about her today because she dropped off ch's bday presents for him yesterday. she had texted me wondering if we'd be home yesterday and wanted to drop the stuff off. instead, she went to the shop and did it there. i find it kind of annoying because she will look for any excuse to go to our store and hang out there. on the other hand, i'm relieved because she becomes ch's problem and not mine. if she was coming here, i'd feel as if i'd have to clean up the house because she is a neat freak. when she's all up in my kitchen, my anxiety rises and i stress out, much the same way the inlaws piss me off and give me anxiety issues.
anyway, i was thinking about her because she dropped off a big bag full of tshirts and shorts and swim trunks for ch. nice enough gesture, and i know i really shouldnt hack, but she is one big assed ball of vanilla boringness. every tshirt in there was white, even the shorts were plain black, and the swimsuit was a boring grey. when there are SO many colors and styles out there, why on earth would you go and pick out a plain grey pair of trunks? her entire wardrobe is either black, white, or grey, so i can see her imposing her ideas on ch, but it's SO irritating. what's worse is she thinks it's all normal to go and buy outfits for everyone in the family. i just dont get it.
while she was at the shop, she also dropped off ch's snorkel mask and tube and our digital thermostat. fuck, she is running her parents' errands for them. she just found out a week ago that we were going to hawaii and so she went home and got ch's snorkel mask. every single time we go away on a hot vacation, his dad gets up in our grills about the snorkel gear and how we should pack it and go snorkelling. it's nonstop badgering and nagging that we should pack that shit. and now by proxy, she's fucking up in our faces about snorkelling! fuck off! i think they even dropped off a snorkel set here at our house, or else insisted we pack it on some lame vacation, and it never came out of the fucking suitcase. but they are So adamant that we take and pack that shit, once again imposing their fucking wishes and plans on us. it drives me nuts. so ch just threw this snorkel set on the spare room bed (because isnt that where everything useless goes?? FUCK) and it will sit there. i asked him if he was going to take it and he said "oh i dunno", which translates to NO. he's too afraid to outright say "no" or "i dont want it" to any of these cocksuckers, so we get stuck with this shit piled into our house.
same with the digital thermostat...once again, my fil is getting his nose in our business. he had installed a digital thermostat months ago and then the thing fucking shorted out to the tune of $600 in november. we put the old one back on there and left it, but it wasnt good enough for the fil. he kept phoning us every time canadian tire put out a flyer, to let us know that they were on sale. when his nagging didnt sink in and we didnt automatically drop everything we were doing and sprint to the store after he called, he just took matters into his own hands and bought us one. so i kinda said something snarky about it last night to ch and he was all defensive and saying that it was "on sale"...
what that means is that the fil will fucking butt in here the first chance he has, which i think will be next weekend (woooo, i'm going SHOPPING in yyc....even if it is with the dysfunctional friend...who cares...no inlaws!!) and install it. they are in mexico right now, but you can bet they'll be here the first weekend they possibly can be to fucking butt in and interrupt our lives and yet again take over our house. i swear, he wont rest until our house looks exactly like his and we do everything he does.
but my whole jist to this post is that the sil is a big gigantic puppet for the parents. it's like they just stick their hand up her ass and move her mouth and their words come tumbling out. it's to the point now where she's almost past being a puppet and is more of an extension or an appendage. it's her hand (but really theirs) delivering the digital thermostat and snorkelling gear. it's her voice, but it's her dad's doing the nagging about what "should" be done around here.
this fucking family drives me nuts. i wish they'd wake up and realise that the entire world does not aspire to be anything like any of them.
past weekend
i had a great time reconnecting with my friend and her family. it was like time stood still, just as i predicted. of course jen and brent are still way in love and are happy. i always kind of termed her as oblivious...she just seems to be either oblivious or impervious to things going on around her and her inner world is always so perfect and awesome that you wonder if you are the moron here or if she really is that clueless. how can someone be so positively happy with a man that they are almost oblivious to reality? not saying anything bad about brent because he is a really great guy, but i wonder if they have their fights and problems and issues, or if it's just me who is always looking for that shit?
of course they are very happy and in love. they've been married nearly 16 years and i have to say that it is a good match. they work well together and are happy. jen, in general, is a very happy person. she's always laughing or telling stories, and it's entertaining. we had a few great laughs recalling stories of our other friends and reminiscing.
and her kids are adorable...very cute and outgoing and polite and hilarious. i spent a lot of time laughing with/at them. their antics and smiles and attitudes were too cute.
in a way, i felt a little sad after the weekend was done, wondering about the path i chose and whether it was the right one. there was a moment where i started wondering if i made the right choice not to procreate and where my life would be if i had done things differently. i was thinking about how much fun it would be to have that group of parents who travelled together for their kids' tournaments and spent time doing fun things like taking them swimming and encouraging them in sports and external interests. (of course as i type that, i realise that i do have a group of adults who travel together who are DINKS and how enjoyable that all is, too.) of course i understand that one weekend of a few hours visiting does not illustrate the time spent dealing with discipline and putting up with whining, fighting, and heartbreaks. any parenting could look easy when it's done in a 2-3 hr stretch, right?
it made me think back to my first bf and how i'm sure that if i had stayed with him, i'd be a mom with a bunch of kids living on his parents' farm in nobleford. even when i type that, my stomach turns. maybe i already know my answer...? i know that i'd have been closer to my mother (physically, not emotionally), which would mean smothering and her little "just a thoughts" all up in my face all the time because the farm is only 20 minutes or less from lethbridge. christ. i'm sure, like my marriage, the sex would have been great up to a point...you know, the point where they stop caring and hold out on you? yeah...so it would have been exciting for the first few years and then disappointing. fuck.
i seem to be going in circles about this. there is a reluctant part of me that will always wonder what it would have been like if i had become a parent and done the "right" thing all the way through my adult life. i cant deny it, however that's not to say that i am not enjoying my life the way it is.
it is, as my mother would say, "just a thought".
of course they are very happy and in love. they've been married nearly 16 years and i have to say that it is a good match. they work well together and are happy. jen, in general, is a very happy person. she's always laughing or telling stories, and it's entertaining. we had a few great laughs recalling stories of our other friends and reminiscing.
and her kids are adorable...very cute and outgoing and polite and hilarious. i spent a lot of time laughing with/at them. their antics and smiles and attitudes were too cute.
in a way, i felt a little sad after the weekend was done, wondering about the path i chose and whether it was the right one. there was a moment where i started wondering if i made the right choice not to procreate and where my life would be if i had done things differently. i was thinking about how much fun it would be to have that group of parents who travelled together for their kids' tournaments and spent time doing fun things like taking them swimming and encouraging them in sports and external interests. (of course as i type that, i realise that i do have a group of adults who travel together who are DINKS and how enjoyable that all is, too.) of course i understand that one weekend of a few hours visiting does not illustrate the time spent dealing with discipline and putting up with whining, fighting, and heartbreaks. any parenting could look easy when it's done in a 2-3 hr stretch, right?
it made me think back to my first bf and how i'm sure that if i had stayed with him, i'd be a mom with a bunch of kids living on his parents' farm in nobleford. even when i type that, my stomach turns. maybe i already know my answer...? i know that i'd have been closer to my mother (physically, not emotionally), which would mean smothering and her little "just a thoughts" all up in my face all the time because the farm is only 20 minutes or less from lethbridge. christ. i'm sure, like my marriage, the sex would have been great up to a point...you know, the point where they stop caring and hold out on you? yeah...so it would have been exciting for the first few years and then disappointing. fuck.
i seem to be going in circles about this. there is a reluctant part of me that will always wonder what it would have been like if i had become a parent and done the "right" thing all the way through my adult life. i cant deny it, however that's not to say that i am not enjoying my life the way it is.
it is, as my mother would say, "just a thought".
crazy making
next weekend i'm supposed to go to yyc with a friend. i went to phat camp with her and she drove me nutso with her constant yammering all fucking weekend long. foolishly i said i'd go shopping with her for the day on the 27th. i'm wondering if i'm going to regret that decision.
this friend is just a fitness friend, someone i'd never consider for a *real* friend. even calling her a fitness friend is pushing it. really. it's more like she glommed onto me in classes and decided that i was her only motivator throughout the fitness process. she got it in her skull that we should walk together, so we did that for a spell, but it was always on her schedule in her area of town and during that time, it was always nonstop bantering about the latest dramas.
i think she also competes against me in a way that is obnoxious and i believe she uses it against me when describing me to other people. she has a knack for talking about people and it's never in a positive light. it's always a compliment followed immediately by an insult. i cant stand it. even her best friend...she will talk about her positively but always throw in an insult right after it like "oh d is so great, but she is really worried about being single for the rest of her life". i believe that she is the one who is the most insecure, but projects it onto everyone else. all weekend, it was insecurities about diet, weight, her age (which she never STFU about), exercising, eating...i mean, EVERYTHING was a fucking issue of discussion. endless discussion. where you and i would plan our lunches out and pack them, she'd have it planned but would discuss endlessly her selections and why she was choosing them and basically it was a lot of hand wringing and carrying on wanting me to accept or approve her lunches.
i also cant stand that this woman constantly is obsessed with the superficial. if she's not talking about her hair, she's talking about her skin regimine and worse yet, is playing show and tell in the hotel room. it's a constant parade between her bag and the bathroom of products she uses on her face and hair and it's an endless discussion of it. like, really, i couldnt care less about what she uses on her face and i wondered if she was trying to sell me what she uses or fucking well convince me that i should follow suit. i never understand people who have to take every item out of their travel bag and then go into a 20 minute discussion on why they packed it. my entire weekend was like that. by the end of saturday, i was sick of her.
and she locked her sights onto another female there that was very fit and very attractive and she just wouldnt shut the fuck up about her all weekend long. it was a constant barrage of comments and negativity and how upset she was that this woman was perceived to be high on herself. all this coming from someone who has full hair and makeup to work out...hypocrite much? really...i started wondering if she was more upset that she wasnt the hottest thing in the room, rather than being upset by someone being narcissistic. honestly, that woman did stand out because i thought she was fit and attractive, but i really didnt feel the need to zero in on her and hack her to shreds. all this going on when it's supposed to be a weekend of positivity and good body images...and there's this insecure psycho beside me who is absolutely one of the most negative people there.
i'd definitely go to phat camp again, but i'd stay as far away from the crazy bitch as i could.
and here i am hooked into going to calgary with her....fuck, why cant i learn to STFU and just say "i'll think about it" when she asks me stuff?? christ.
this friend is just a fitness friend, someone i'd never consider for a *real* friend. even calling her a fitness friend is pushing it. really. it's more like she glommed onto me in classes and decided that i was her only motivator throughout the fitness process. she got it in her skull that we should walk together, so we did that for a spell, but it was always on her schedule in her area of town and during that time, it was always nonstop bantering about the latest dramas.
i think she also competes against me in a way that is obnoxious and i believe she uses it against me when describing me to other people. she has a knack for talking about people and it's never in a positive light. it's always a compliment followed immediately by an insult. i cant stand it. even her best friend...she will talk about her positively but always throw in an insult right after it like "oh d is so great, but she is really worried about being single for the rest of her life". i believe that she is the one who is the most insecure, but projects it onto everyone else. all weekend, it was insecurities about diet, weight, her age (which she never STFU about), exercising, eating...i mean, EVERYTHING was a fucking issue of discussion. endless discussion. where you and i would plan our lunches out and pack them, she'd have it planned but would discuss endlessly her selections and why she was choosing them and basically it was a lot of hand wringing and carrying on wanting me to accept or approve her lunches.
i also cant stand that this woman constantly is obsessed with the superficial. if she's not talking about her hair, she's talking about her skin regimine and worse yet, is playing show and tell in the hotel room. it's a constant parade between her bag and the bathroom of products she uses on her face and hair and it's an endless discussion of it. like, really, i couldnt care less about what she uses on her face and i wondered if she was trying to sell me what she uses or fucking well convince me that i should follow suit. i never understand people who have to take every item out of their travel bag and then go into a 20 minute discussion on why they packed it. my entire weekend was like that. by the end of saturday, i was sick of her.
and she locked her sights onto another female there that was very fit and very attractive and she just wouldnt shut the fuck up about her all weekend long. it was a constant barrage of comments and negativity and how upset she was that this woman was perceived to be high on herself. all this coming from someone who has full hair and makeup to work out...hypocrite much? really...i started wondering if she was more upset that she wasnt the hottest thing in the room, rather than being upset by someone being narcissistic. honestly, that woman did stand out because i thought she was fit and attractive, but i really didnt feel the need to zero in on her and hack her to shreds. all this going on when it's supposed to be a weekend of positivity and good body images...and there's this insecure psycho beside me who is absolutely one of the most negative people there.
i'd definitely go to phat camp again, but i'd stay as far away from the crazy bitch as i could.
and here i am hooked into going to calgary with her....fuck, why cant i learn to STFU and just say "i'll think about it" when she asks me stuff?? christ.
back on soil
so friend not friend is back from jamaica and already is barking up my tree to go out. i'm annoyed. every association with this person always ends up in a plethora of beer and me regretting every sip the next day.
i dont know why i have zero will power around this person. and i hate that she nags me into drinking with her. hate it. i have to say that i really enjoyed her being gone for most of january...now she's back and will be relentless until i cave into her demands.
i fucking hate beer pressure.
i dont know why i have zero will power around this person. and i hate that she nags me into drinking with her. hate it. i have to say that i really enjoyed her being gone for most of january...now she's back and will be relentless until i cave into her demands.
i fucking hate beer pressure.
jen heil
all class. i loved how gracious she was when she won the silver for moguls...thanking canada, calling it 'canada's medal'. talk about class. i was watching her when they presented her with the flowers at the hill and she actually took off her gloves to shake hands with the delegate. the other two twats just stood there and patted themselves on the back.
i really wanted to tell the bronze winner shannon bahrke to SIT DOWN. honestly. just loud, obnoxious, and everything you loathe about some folks south of the border. yes, you're happy, we get that...but STFU. it looked as if jen was a little intimidated or put off by the nonsense and flag waving going on either side of her.
regardless, she was our first medal and it was an amazing run!
http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-photos/medal-ceremony---day-3--(vancouver-bc)-_278354g208204-o244828-NU.html#photoScrollHref
i really wanted to tell the bronze winner shannon bahrke to SIT DOWN. honestly. just loud, obnoxious, and everything you loathe about some folks south of the border. yes, you're happy, we get that...but STFU. it looked as if jen was a little intimidated or put off by the nonsense and flag waving going on either side of her.
regardless, she was our first medal and it was an amazing run!
http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-photos/medal-ceremony---day-3--(vancouver-bc)-_278354g208204-o244828-NU.html#photoScrollHref
Saturday, February 13, 2010
a good night
this was the second year in a row i've attended davina's bday bash. i had a great time this year, just as i did last year.
last year we went to thuy thien for vietnamese and then went glow bowling. D had only 5 of us last year and it was a blast. she is an uber organizer so she had arranged bowling bingo and competitions for us, as well as a candy buffet. let me tell you, the candy buffet was the highlight of the night. the whole night itself was a blast, but the candy?? well, that just iced it.
tonight we met at the garage. there were about 20 of us this time around. some of them i knew, but most i didnt. it was all good. we ate our food and then went bowling again. this time D brought out the candy again and arranged more bowling games. she even had prizes. and the whole time, we all sat there wondering why she is organzing everything when it's her bday bash.
next year we have all vowed to throw her a surprise bday party and she isnt to do any work. i think we need to plan it a couple weeks before her actual birthday so that she wont expect it.
regardless, i had a good time. it's funny, i was explaining to ch the whole thing and how last year worked. at this time last year, i knew d but not really. knew her through mutual friends and we were taking a fitness class together, but i really didnt "know" her the way i do now. i have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her. anyway, i was explaining to ch that she had all this candy last year and it was amazing and said that i was really hoping for candy again this year and she pulled it off. d says that it's her way of giving out candy bags, but it's a buffet instead.
i even won silly putty. kickass! i remember getting silly putty for one of my bdays. elissa, i think you gave it to me. i think you guys came to herronton and you showed me how to imprint a comic onto it and showed me that it bounced AND glowed in the dark. i'm shamed to admit that after you left, my dad rolled it up into a ball, took it into the yard and tried to experiment with its bouncing capeabilities. cousiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, he took the baseball bat to it and it went clear across the yard and street and into the field at the elevator. i was devastated. all my dad did was laugh and say "whoops" or some variation of the word, but mostly i remember the laughing. i didnt share his humor.
so tonight i have my own silly putty after all these years. there's no way anyone's taking a bat to it.
last year we went to thuy thien for vietnamese and then went glow bowling. D had only 5 of us last year and it was a blast. she is an uber organizer so she had arranged bowling bingo and competitions for us, as well as a candy buffet. let me tell you, the candy buffet was the highlight of the night. the whole night itself was a blast, but the candy?? well, that just iced it.
tonight we met at the garage. there were about 20 of us this time around. some of them i knew, but most i didnt. it was all good. we ate our food and then went bowling again. this time D brought out the candy again and arranged more bowling games. she even had prizes. and the whole time, we all sat there wondering why she is organzing everything when it's her bday bash.
next year we have all vowed to throw her a surprise bday party and she isnt to do any work. i think we need to plan it a couple weeks before her actual birthday so that she wont expect it.
regardless, i had a good time. it's funny, i was explaining to ch the whole thing and how last year worked. at this time last year, i knew d but not really. knew her through mutual friends and we were taking a fitness class together, but i really didnt "know" her the way i do now. i have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her. anyway, i was explaining to ch that she had all this candy last year and it was amazing and said that i was really hoping for candy again this year and she pulled it off. d says that it's her way of giving out candy bags, but it's a buffet instead.
i even won silly putty. kickass! i remember getting silly putty for one of my bdays. elissa, i think you gave it to me. i think you guys came to herronton and you showed me how to imprint a comic onto it and showed me that it bounced AND glowed in the dark. i'm shamed to admit that after you left, my dad rolled it up into a ball, took it into the yard and tried to experiment with its bouncing capeabilities. cousiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, he took the baseball bat to it and it went clear across the yard and street and into the field at the elevator. i was devastated. all my dad did was laugh and say "whoops" or some variation of the word, but mostly i remember the laughing. i didnt share his humor.
so tonight i have my own silly putty after all these years. there's no way anyone's taking a bat to it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
drawn out
is it just me or have all the olympic ceremonies to date been drawn way out unnecessarily? i managed to catch some of it tonight and jesus christ...some of it was long and painful.
take the anthem...did she really need to draw it out THAT much? like is it "oh.....(pausepausepause)...caaaaaaa-naaaaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"? really? i dont think so. the anthems we sung in elementary school were succinct and to the point. this one took at least 2 full minutes, including the french portion, which i thought was sped-sung in comparison.
then the climax leading up to the lighting of the cauldron (or whatever facsimilie)...we must have watched for 10 minutes as they passed the flame from rick hansen to steve nash to nancy greene to others before they handed it off to gretzky. then from there watching him ride around vancouver to light the final torch was painful as well. we kept thinking he was going to hand it off to some uber canadian celebrity, but no. we were throwing out suggestions as gretzky was driven around downtown: michael j. fox! donald sutherland! pamela anderson! (that one was mostly a joke because we were sure she'd cry out "i'm melting" and her tittays would melt off) mr dressup! the littlest hobo! relic! insert great canadian icon here!
i'm not saying that wayner wasnt worth it. i do love my wayne, but they really could have shortened the whole fucking thing by about 15 minutes and we'd still have had the same end result.
i dont know...i think if the opening ceremonies were any indication, we're in for a long drawn out 17 days.
take the anthem...did she really need to draw it out THAT much? like is it "oh.....(pausepausepause)...caaaaaaa-naaaaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"? really? i dont think so. the anthems we sung in elementary school were succinct and to the point. this one took at least 2 full minutes, including the french portion, which i thought was sped-sung in comparison.
then the climax leading up to the lighting of the cauldron (or whatever facsimilie)...we must have watched for 10 minutes as they passed the flame from rick hansen to steve nash to nancy greene to others before they handed it off to gretzky. then from there watching him ride around vancouver to light the final torch was painful as well. we kept thinking he was going to hand it off to some uber canadian celebrity, but no. we were throwing out suggestions as gretzky was driven around downtown: michael j. fox! donald sutherland! pamela anderson! (that one was mostly a joke because we were sure she'd cry out "i'm melting" and her tittays would melt off) mr dressup! the littlest hobo! relic! insert great canadian icon here!
i'm not saying that wayner wasnt worth it. i do love my wayne, but they really could have shortened the whole fucking thing by about 15 minutes and we'd still have had the same end result.
i dont know...i think if the opening ceremonies were any indication, we're in for a long drawn out 17 days.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
floral arrangements
since when did ordering flowers become such an expensive endeavor? honestly.
we just ordered some flowers for the mil's bday tomorrow and the price of the bouquet was 49.95. ok, that's moderate i suppose. but really, it's a basic bouquet of gerbera daisies and a few other bright colors in a square vase. nothing else.
initially i intended to order it on line and ended up calling it in to see if it was cheaper because it would have been $72.35 for the fucking bouquet! oh they add on things like a $12.95 delivery charge, even tho the florist is basically a 10 minute drive from the mil's house, and then they tack on a service charge of $6. for what? i'd sure love to know...i'm the one filling out the fucking information on the entire form on line for fuck's sake! it's not like i'm talking to a clerk in the store about this.
they said they'll email us with the charges and invoice...it will be interesting to see if they've tacked on the extra prices. if you ask me, $19 and change is NOT necessary and almost abusive to the consumer. i dont care if it's february 14th or not. that's criminal.
initially i intended to order it on line and ended up calling it in to see if it was cheaper because it would have been $72.35 for the fucking bouquet! oh they add on things like a $12.95 delivery charge, even tho the florist is basically a 10 minute drive from the mil's house, and then they tack on a service charge of $6. for what? i'd sure love to know...i'm the one filling out the fucking information on the entire form on line for fuck's sake! it's not like i'm talking to a clerk in the store about this.
they said they'll email us with the charges and invoice...it will be interesting to see if they've tacked on the extra prices. if you ask me, $19 and change is NOT necessary and almost abusive to the consumer. i dont care if it's february 14th or not. that's criminal.
Cleaving
i picked up cleaving today and contemplated buying it. i scanned a couple of pages and it looked very interesting....
so i'm probably going to wait it out and either order chapters.ca cards with airmiles or else buy it when i get back from maui.
so i'm probably going to wait it out and either order chapters.ca cards with airmiles or else buy it when i get back from maui.
breakups and reasons
can a person really break up over something as trivial as food and music?
i wonder that.
here at my house we have a very different idea of what is "food". ch loves anything i hate: red meat, pizza, grease. dont get me wrong, i do like those things, but i recognize that they are not good for me, so i stay away from them and eat them sparingly. if it were up to him, he'd eat steaks daily.
his diet consists of beer, fast food, and red meat. sometimes he will even go without eating breakfast or lunch. i cant fathom that. a breakfast is a must in my life. i'd be a very hangry bear if i didnt eat. get out of my way if i havent eaten breakfast or lunch. hell, get out of my way if neither breakkie or lunch is healthy.
ch likes mcdonald's. i loathe the place. i used to like it but there is something so fake and manufactured about everything they sell (including their marketed "healthy" "food") that turns my stomach. mcdonald's food is like injesting a big plate of plastic and equally as unappetizing. everyone loves the fries, but i cant help but smell pigs when i eat them, even tho they havent been cooked in animal fat for years. there is some kind of smell that radiates off them that makes me gag. i question the sanity of my husband when he tells me he's eaten there AND enjoyed it.
and then there's dinner options. he hates eating chicken, pita pizzas and pasta with tomatoes on it. i know that i'm not exactly a buffet here, but i can eat the same thing for weeks on end without complaint. to not eat chicken is unfathomable. i brought up the possibility of cooking pho tonight for dinner, and he looked at me as if i just said "hey, let's eat the dogs' shit tonight". so much for that idea.
is it really up to me to cook two meals if my significant other hates what i make?
same with music...fuck, i hate his music. it's all the old shit from the 60's and 70's. i cant stand that crap. does he know that there have been four decades since the beatles of good hits, too? i'm not picking on the beatles, but there have been good songs since they wrote. of course i'm not a music expert, but i tend to think that new music is ok. listeanble even. we disagree heartily on music selections. road trips are hell for either of us when we plug in our ipods. i roll my eyes and sigh when he wants to play name that tune with his old shit and his body language suggests he'd rather throw my ipod onto the freeway than listen to a lady gaga song.
what do you do when there are so many differences? of course these are minor. yes, there is monogamy and devotion here, and i dont necessarily think that we have to automatically love the same things just because we share a roof, but there are some days where i wonder how i can spend the next 50 years with someone who refuses to eat anything but mcdonald's, hamburger helper, and grease all while chowing it down to the who and bands who are far too old to tour and remember.
i wonder that.
here at my house we have a very different idea of what is "food". ch loves anything i hate: red meat, pizza, grease. dont get me wrong, i do like those things, but i recognize that they are not good for me, so i stay away from them and eat them sparingly. if it were up to him, he'd eat steaks daily.
his diet consists of beer, fast food, and red meat. sometimes he will even go without eating breakfast or lunch. i cant fathom that. a breakfast is a must in my life. i'd be a very hangry bear if i didnt eat. get out of my way if i havent eaten breakfast or lunch. hell, get out of my way if neither breakkie or lunch is healthy.
ch likes mcdonald's. i loathe the place. i used to like it but there is something so fake and manufactured about everything they sell (including their marketed "healthy" "food") that turns my stomach. mcdonald's food is like injesting a big plate of plastic and equally as unappetizing. everyone loves the fries, but i cant help but smell pigs when i eat them, even tho they havent been cooked in animal fat for years. there is some kind of smell that radiates off them that makes me gag. i question the sanity of my husband when he tells me he's eaten there AND enjoyed it.
and then there's dinner options. he hates eating chicken, pita pizzas and pasta with tomatoes on it. i know that i'm not exactly a buffet here, but i can eat the same thing for weeks on end without complaint. to not eat chicken is unfathomable. i brought up the possibility of cooking pho tonight for dinner, and he looked at me as if i just said "hey, let's eat the dogs' shit tonight". so much for that idea.
is it really up to me to cook two meals if my significant other hates what i make?
same with music...fuck, i hate his music. it's all the old shit from the 60's and 70's. i cant stand that crap. does he know that there have been four decades since the beatles of good hits, too? i'm not picking on the beatles, but there have been good songs since they wrote. of course i'm not a music expert, but i tend to think that new music is ok. listeanble even. we disagree heartily on music selections. road trips are hell for either of us when we plug in our ipods. i roll my eyes and sigh when he wants to play name that tune with his old shit and his body language suggests he'd rather throw my ipod onto the freeway than listen to a lady gaga song.
what do you do when there are so many differences? of course these are minor. yes, there is monogamy and devotion here, and i dont necessarily think that we have to automatically love the same things just because we share a roof, but there are some days where i wonder how i can spend the next 50 years with someone who refuses to eat anything but mcdonald's, hamburger helper, and grease all while chowing it down to the who and bands who are far too old to tour and remember.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
in the same vein
while i'm already bitching about my mom, i figured i'd bring up her obsession with ensuring i had no friends in school.
she was always after me about the friends i had in school. always. it didnt seem to matter where i moved to or what i did, she was on me about my choice of friends. in elementary school she was sure that dawn and nannette were born from the devil's loin and i was not to have anything to do with them. they did come from bad homes, but they were nice enough people. i had fun with them, consdering i only had 5 other girls in my grade to choose from, nannette and dawn were the best choices availalbe to me. oh sure there were marnie and janice, but they were as thick as thieves and nobody got in between them. in fact, the only time they'd hang out with you was if the other one was sick. for the majority of kindergarten to grade 8, those two were best of friends and inseparable. of course they loved to make my life hell at times for no good reason because i was just a little quiet nerd. my mom's best advice? "oh just ignore them". yeah, real easy when there are only 8 people in your class, mom. fuck.
once we moved to mazeppa and i went to blackie for grade 9, mom was again after me for my choice of friend. she hated andrea and was sure she was a low life do nothing. most of it came from the fact that my mom would have to drive me into blackie, a whole WHOPPING 10 minutes away from our home, but she would act as if that mere 10 minute trip was 1000 miles. seriously, we'd never hear the end of it and her complaining about having to drive anywhere. if it interfered with her afternoon "stories" and fucking bon bon eating, then we'd hear about it. andrea's mom was unable to drive because of her epilepsy, so it defaulted to us, and as a result i'd never hear the end of it. she berated andrea (of course behind her back) and called her all sorts of names and told me i could do so much better. thank god i never listened to her.
in grade 10 i met a shitload of friends and had more choice, which was so awesome. it was the first time in my life where i could choose my friends and not have friends by default because of a small school. we werent the cool kids but we were cool in our own way and we had a lot of fun. of course my mom got her ass in there once again and decided that my friend louise was a snob only because her foster parents had money. she claimed that lou came over to our house and looked it up and down with a snotty expression like we werent good enough. if that ever was the case, i wouldnt have stayed friends with her. hell, lou would never have been my friend if she was like that. but my mom will insist that lou was like that, even to this day. it's utter horseshit.
and then in grade 11 i had to move away from all these friends i loved. it was so hard to be uprooted from a bigger school with variety and BOYS (!!) and once again be planted into a small school. these people had known each other since they were in the womb, so it was impossible to befriend a lot of them. i managed to make a friend who wouldnt escape my mom's wrath. sally was my best friend and we had a ton of fun in grade 11 and 12, but according to my mom she wasnt good enough for me. see, sally's family had moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and according to my mom's fucked up inner world, people with money are evil. mostly i believe her ideas come from jealousy and nothing else. mom doesnt like being a have not, so anytime someone has something she wants, she will berate that person like the bully she is. so she spent those last 2 yrs of my high school years telling me all about how spoiled sally was and that i'd never have it easy like she did...uh huh....so? who cares if sally got shit handed to her? i was more than intelligent to know that just because she did, didnt mean that i'd come home and expect a brand new car.
where was the credit in growing up? we had none. if something happened, we were on the shit list immediately and she never gave us the benefit of the doubt. we were always in shit and then when she found out that we didnt do it, she would never say sorry, but would say "well, if i ever catch you doing that, you'll be dead meat" or something to that effect. it would always be a childhood of threats and lies and manipulation.
i think my mom would have been happiest if i was friendless and relied on her for my every need. i remember telling her i was moving to calgary in 1994 after university and it was an entire summer of bickering and fighting just because of that. i think she knew that her reign of control and terror was over, but she didnt want to go easily. i think that summer really showed me how much my mom struggled to control me and my life and how i knew i didnt want it.
i dont think my relationship with my mom has ever been good since that year. since then i've learned that she lies and manipulates to get what she wants, hardly attractive traits. i have learned to take most of what she says with a grain of salt because most of it is either exaggerated beyond measure or is a blatant lie.
no wonder i have trust issues. at least i got out. i couldnt imagine what my life would be like if i had done exactly as she wanted or where i'd be. i shudder to think about it.
she was always after me about the friends i had in school. always. it didnt seem to matter where i moved to or what i did, she was on me about my choice of friends. in elementary school she was sure that dawn and nannette were born from the devil's loin and i was not to have anything to do with them. they did come from bad homes, but they were nice enough people. i had fun with them, consdering i only had 5 other girls in my grade to choose from, nannette and dawn were the best choices availalbe to me. oh sure there were marnie and janice, but they were as thick as thieves and nobody got in between them. in fact, the only time they'd hang out with you was if the other one was sick. for the majority of kindergarten to grade 8, those two were best of friends and inseparable. of course they loved to make my life hell at times for no good reason because i was just a little quiet nerd. my mom's best advice? "oh just ignore them". yeah, real easy when there are only 8 people in your class, mom. fuck.
once we moved to mazeppa and i went to blackie for grade 9, mom was again after me for my choice of friend. she hated andrea and was sure she was a low life do nothing. most of it came from the fact that my mom would have to drive me into blackie, a whole WHOPPING 10 minutes away from our home, but she would act as if that mere 10 minute trip was 1000 miles. seriously, we'd never hear the end of it and her complaining about having to drive anywhere. if it interfered with her afternoon "stories" and fucking bon bon eating, then we'd hear about it. andrea's mom was unable to drive because of her epilepsy, so it defaulted to us, and as a result i'd never hear the end of it. she berated andrea (of course behind her back) and called her all sorts of names and told me i could do so much better. thank god i never listened to her.
in grade 10 i met a shitload of friends and had more choice, which was so awesome. it was the first time in my life where i could choose my friends and not have friends by default because of a small school. we werent the cool kids but we were cool in our own way and we had a lot of fun. of course my mom got her ass in there once again and decided that my friend louise was a snob only because her foster parents had money. she claimed that lou came over to our house and looked it up and down with a snotty expression like we werent good enough. if that ever was the case, i wouldnt have stayed friends with her. hell, lou would never have been my friend if she was like that. but my mom will insist that lou was like that, even to this day. it's utter horseshit.
and then in grade 11 i had to move away from all these friends i loved. it was so hard to be uprooted from a bigger school with variety and BOYS (!!) and once again be planted into a small school. these people had known each other since they were in the womb, so it was impossible to befriend a lot of them. i managed to make a friend who wouldnt escape my mom's wrath. sally was my best friend and we had a ton of fun in grade 11 and 12, but according to my mom she wasnt good enough for me. see, sally's family had moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and according to my mom's fucked up inner world, people with money are evil. mostly i believe her ideas come from jealousy and nothing else. mom doesnt like being a have not, so anytime someone has something she wants, she will berate that person like the bully she is. so she spent those last 2 yrs of my high school years telling me all about how spoiled sally was and that i'd never have it easy like she did...uh huh....so? who cares if sally got shit handed to her? i was more than intelligent to know that just because she did, didnt mean that i'd come home and expect a brand new car.
where was the credit in growing up? we had none. if something happened, we were on the shit list immediately and she never gave us the benefit of the doubt. we were always in shit and then when she found out that we didnt do it, she would never say sorry, but would say "well, if i ever catch you doing that, you'll be dead meat" or something to that effect. it would always be a childhood of threats and lies and manipulation.
i think my mom would have been happiest if i was friendless and relied on her for my every need. i remember telling her i was moving to calgary in 1994 after university and it was an entire summer of bickering and fighting just because of that. i think she knew that her reign of control and terror was over, but she didnt want to go easily. i think that summer really showed me how much my mom struggled to control me and my life and how i knew i didnt want it.
i dont think my relationship with my mom has ever been good since that year. since then i've learned that she lies and manipulates to get what she wants, hardly attractive traits. i have learned to take most of what she says with a grain of salt because most of it is either exaggerated beyond measure or is a blatant lie.
no wonder i have trust issues. at least i got out. i couldnt imagine what my life would be like if i had done exactly as she wanted or where i'd be. i shudder to think about it.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
i just counted...
there were TWENTY TWO commas in that email message from my mother!!! TWENTY FUCKING TWO.
i swear i'm going to drive to lethbridge and rip that fucking comma button right off her keyboard. for someone who loves to criticise everyone else and their dog over spelling and punctuation and grammar, she sure is a hypocrite.
twentytwocommas. jesusfuckingchrist.
there were TWENTY TWO commas in that email message from my mother!!! TWENTY FUCKING TWO.
i swear i'm going to drive to lethbridge and rip that fucking comma button right off her keyboard. for someone who loves to criticise everyone else and their dog over spelling and punctuation and grammar, she sure is a hypocrite.
twentytwocommas. jesusfuckingchrist.
old friends
my friend's visit this weekend has sparked some controversy on the home front in regards to my mother.
my mom has been friends with my friend's mom since we were toddlers. i dont know how they met, but they were friends way back in the 70's. we used to hang out with the arnolds quite a bit when we lived in tudor and i remember being babysat by them in 1978 when my parents went to las vegas. i still can recall a bell bottomed and big haired picture of my parents and my aunt and uncle as they stood in front of circus circus. i imagine back then circus circus was THE place to go. nowadays it isnt, but that's vegas.
my parents kept in touch with the arnolds over the years. exchanged xmas cards, sometimes went and visited, and generally kept tabs on each other over the years. in the last couple of years tho, the contact has stopped on my mom's part. i think lynda still continues to send xmas letters, but my mom has cut her out completely.
i mentioned that i was going to be seeing jen this weekend and received this email from my mom (please ignore the rash of commas...it's a copy and paste job):
Hi T
I meant to mention, T, that if Jen B mentions / asks after, us, just say we're fine , and leave it at that, please. I haven't bothered with Xmas cards to Lynda and Ken the past couple of xmas's but she still continues to send them, full of bragging about how well the older ones are doing (never word of Grant, nor of Jen, but lots of gushing over Kathy and Barb) and always adds in the closing that they must make plans to come to Lethbridge for a weekend to see us, sometime soon. I think Ken is a nice man, but I do get tired of Lynda's constant bragging about the girls; and then she will go on about the Lauridsen's (they have been friendly with them for decades, am sure) and starts in all about their kids and grandkids, etc, that I wouldn't kow from Adam, as the saying goes, and and don't care a hoot about. Since it seems we have nothing in common any more, and I'd be just as happy letting that aquaintance-ship (hardly call it friendship) dwindle away. So, unless Jen persists (which is unlikely), we're "fine",end of subject. thanks, T!
love
Mom
i dont understand my mom. i mean, the woman has no friends and here are some old friends who want to see her and keep in touch with her, but she has somehow deemed them unfit to associate with. lynda and ken have done nothing to her, other than keep in touch with her. isnt it a parent's job to talk about their children? to talk about their grandkids?
i havent figured out if my mom is jealous that her 4 kids have all been successful professionals or not. afterall, lynda and ken's 3 daughters have done well: lawyer, doctor, and teacher, and their son is an engineer. i know that i have always been amazed by their successes and happy for them. if you ask me, it IS something to be proud of.
my mom has always been a competitive person. she always wants to be the centre of attention at any gathering or occasion, even if it is just her and i. she always has to dominate every conversation with her useless idle neighbourhood gossip and stories of things which are usually repeats of stories told years ago. if you dare to say you've heard it before, she will pout and sulk. sometimes it's best to just nod gamely and try to recall an event in your head that brought you pleasure so you can tune her out. i have often employed that method and she is none the wiser. thankfully there are no quizzes at the end of the conversation, otherwise my plan would be foiled.
i wonder if she feels inadequate because my sister and i pale in comparison to the arnold 4 on the success ladder? i cant figure out why there is hostility. and quite frankly, my mom herself will talk endlessly about people nobody knows or cares about and god forbid you reveal you dont care, so why does she feel so pissy about the arnolds wanting to keep in touch with her? and i dont understand her wanting me to comply with her ass backward thoughts either.
it's not like i'm going to make my parents the subject of any conversation. they really arent a blip on my radar in my day to day activities, so most certainly they dont rank as a viable conversation piece with a friend i havent seen in years. honestly, i dont get the drama over the whole thing. what is mom worried about? that i'll reveal her dirty secrets? that i will tell them that she likely had an affair and contracted an STD? that her days are spent gossiping and likely fucking someone else? what does she really think is going to be discussed saturday??
all this confirms my previous stance on my parents: the less they know about me and my life, the better it is.
my mom has been friends with my friend's mom since we were toddlers. i dont know how they met, but they were friends way back in the 70's. we used to hang out with the arnolds quite a bit when we lived in tudor and i remember being babysat by them in 1978 when my parents went to las vegas. i still can recall a bell bottomed and big haired picture of my parents and my aunt and uncle as they stood in front of circus circus. i imagine back then circus circus was THE place to go. nowadays it isnt, but that's vegas.
my parents kept in touch with the arnolds over the years. exchanged xmas cards, sometimes went and visited, and generally kept tabs on each other over the years. in the last couple of years tho, the contact has stopped on my mom's part. i think lynda still continues to send xmas letters, but my mom has cut her out completely.
i mentioned that i was going to be seeing jen this weekend and received this email from my mom (please ignore the rash of commas...it's a copy and paste job):
Hi T
I meant to mention, T, that if Jen B mentions / asks after, us, just say we're fine , and leave it at that, please. I haven't bothered with Xmas cards to Lynda and Ken the past couple of xmas's but she still continues to send them, full of bragging about how well the older ones are doing (never word of Grant, nor of Jen, but lots of gushing over Kathy and Barb) and always adds in the closing that they must make plans to come to Lethbridge for a weekend to see us, sometime soon. I think Ken is a nice man, but I do get tired of Lynda's constant bragging about the girls; and then she will go on about the Lauridsen's (they have been friendly with them for decades, am sure) and starts in all about their kids and grandkids, etc, that I wouldn't kow from Adam, as the saying goes, and and don't care a hoot about. Since it seems we have nothing in common any more, and I'd be just as happy letting that aquaintance-ship (hardly call it friendship) dwindle away. So, unless Jen persists (which is unlikely), we're "fine",end of subject. thanks, T!
love
Mom
i dont understand my mom. i mean, the woman has no friends and here are some old friends who want to see her and keep in touch with her, but she has somehow deemed them unfit to associate with. lynda and ken have done nothing to her, other than keep in touch with her. isnt it a parent's job to talk about their children? to talk about their grandkids?
i havent figured out if my mom is jealous that her 4 kids have all been successful professionals or not. afterall, lynda and ken's 3 daughters have done well: lawyer, doctor, and teacher, and their son is an engineer. i know that i have always been amazed by their successes and happy for them. if you ask me, it IS something to be proud of.
my mom has always been a competitive person. she always wants to be the centre of attention at any gathering or occasion, even if it is just her and i. she always has to dominate every conversation with her useless idle neighbourhood gossip and stories of things which are usually repeats of stories told years ago. if you dare to say you've heard it before, she will pout and sulk. sometimes it's best to just nod gamely and try to recall an event in your head that brought you pleasure so you can tune her out. i have often employed that method and she is none the wiser. thankfully there are no quizzes at the end of the conversation, otherwise my plan would be foiled.
i wonder if she feels inadequate because my sister and i pale in comparison to the arnold 4 on the success ladder? i cant figure out why there is hostility. and quite frankly, my mom herself will talk endlessly about people nobody knows or cares about and god forbid you reveal you dont care, so why does she feel so pissy about the arnolds wanting to keep in touch with her? and i dont understand her wanting me to comply with her ass backward thoughts either.
it's not like i'm going to make my parents the subject of any conversation. they really arent a blip on my radar in my day to day activities, so most certainly they dont rank as a viable conversation piece with a friend i havent seen in years. honestly, i dont get the drama over the whole thing. what is mom worried about? that i'll reveal her dirty secrets? that i will tell them that she likely had an affair and contracted an STD? that her days are spent gossiping and likely fucking someone else? what does she really think is going to be discussed saturday??
all this confirms my previous stance on my parents: the less they know about me and my life, the better it is.
books
i just ordered a couple of books on line, but only BEFORE i found that i could use my airmiles to get free books. goddammit.
the books i ordered were "the boy in the moon" which is about a father's life with a severely disabled son. i heard reviews of it on cbc and was immediately interested.
the second book i ordered was the book from the movie "julie and julia". i cant remember the name (gee, what good am i?), but it was about the person who decided to cook all 524 recipes from julia child's first cookbook and blog about it. she subsequently got a book and movie deal out of it. she has since written a second book called "cleaving" about her love affair with butchery and her love affair out of her marriage. i wanted to order that, but figured "woah nellie".
ultimately i want to find some beach reads for maui. i was looking in a book store and going through the nelson demille section and found some books i'd really like. i stumbled across him when i was working for newswest and selling books and picked up his book called "plum island" featuring a smartass retired detective as the main character. demille has written several books featuring this character and i'd like to purchase them at a used bookstore and bring them to hawaii.
i'm still trying to read the classics, but they are not beach reads by any stretch of the imagination. i started reading "a tale of two cities" and have been struggling with it. like, OH MY GOD, i read that shit in university? why?!?! it's a struggle to pay attention. then i sit back and wonder why the fuck i agreed to punish myself by reading that shit. sorta along the same lines as "why the fuck am i up at 5:30 3 days a week to go to a 6am class i HATE?"
yeah. kinda like that.
the books i ordered were "the boy in the moon" which is about a father's life with a severely disabled son. i heard reviews of it on cbc and was immediately interested.
the second book i ordered was the book from the movie "julie and julia". i cant remember the name (gee, what good am i?), but it was about the person who decided to cook all 524 recipes from julia child's first cookbook and blog about it. she subsequently got a book and movie deal out of it. she has since written a second book called "cleaving" about her love affair with butchery and her love affair out of her marriage. i wanted to order that, but figured "woah nellie".
ultimately i want to find some beach reads for maui. i was looking in a book store and going through the nelson demille section and found some books i'd really like. i stumbled across him when i was working for newswest and selling books and picked up his book called "plum island" featuring a smartass retired detective as the main character. demille has written several books featuring this character and i'd like to purchase them at a used bookstore and bring them to hawaii.
i'm still trying to read the classics, but they are not beach reads by any stretch of the imagination. i started reading "a tale of two cities" and have been struggling with it. like, OH MY GOD, i read that shit in university? why?!?! it's a struggle to pay attention. then i sit back and wonder why the fuck i agreed to punish myself by reading that shit. sorta along the same lines as "why the fuck am i up at 5:30 3 days a week to go to a 6am class i HATE?"
yeah. kinda like that.
first words
what was your first word? according to my baby book it was "DADA". who knew.
there were kids in school who used to talk about their baby brothers and their first words being "bullshit" or some variation of the word. really? what kind of household does someone grow up in where the first word they utter, a word you presume you hear a ton of, is bullshit?
i call bullshit on that one. that's my first word on that.
there were kids in school who used to talk about their baby brothers and their first words being "bullshit" or some variation of the word. really? what kind of household does someone grow up in where the first word they utter, a word you presume you hear a ton of, is bullshit?
i call bullshit on that one. that's my first word on that.
pho
i want to make pho today. i have a shitload of rouladen beef in the freezer that should be used up and i'm craving pho.
i've found some recipes on the net that call for wild and funky shit like star anise pods. wtf are those? even cinnamon sticks...really? in pho?
i think i'm going to try this out and see what happens. i already kinda know that ch wont like it. guaranteed. c'est la vie.
i've found some recipes on the net that call for wild and funky shit like star anise pods. wtf are those? even cinnamon sticks...really? in pho?
i think i'm going to try this out and see what happens. i already kinda know that ch wont like it. guaranteed. c'est la vie.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
new year resolution still intact
i am still reading the bible nightly. if i know i'm going to be away from home i'll read ahead. i dont mind it because it's written in plain english so it eliminates the oddly phrased words and "begats". the bible is divided up into an old testament reading, then a new, a psalm and then a proverb each day. it takes about 5-10 minutes to get through each reading and it's been kind of interesting so far.
but what kills me about it is how mysogynistic the bible is, especially in the proverbs. there is a lot of yammering about laying down with the adultress and how she will take your life from you. it's really kind of extreme and doesnt address at all the man's doing in anything. reading that kind of stuff gets me angry and i dont enjoy reading it. it's the root of mysogyny if you ask me.
same deal with the old testament...there is a lot of hatred toward women and a lot of implications that women are either stupid or are sluts or are both. not a single woman is lauded as a heroine (so far) and most of them are considered evil in the lord's eyes. i dont get that at all. i'm sure there were plenty of good god fearing women in those times who followed the word and instructions more than some of the men out there.
at times it is a real chore to read through those parts of the bible. and god at times comes off like a real asshole. same with jesus. in parts of matthew he is always quizzing and testing the pharisees and it seems that it doesnt matter what answers they give, they're wrong and selfish and doomed to go to the place of gnashing teeth and darkness. there are a lot of parables in matthew that give me the impression that we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.
i am not sure what i was hoping to achieve by reading the bible day by day. enlightenment? understanding? perhaps on both counts. right now though, i'm kind of feeling as if it's a colossal waste of time. i'm going to perservere and hope that there will be better passages and stories which are more interesting.
but what kills me about it is how mysogynistic the bible is, especially in the proverbs. there is a lot of yammering about laying down with the adultress and how she will take your life from you. it's really kind of extreme and doesnt address at all the man's doing in anything. reading that kind of stuff gets me angry and i dont enjoy reading it. it's the root of mysogyny if you ask me.
same deal with the old testament...there is a lot of hatred toward women and a lot of implications that women are either stupid or are sluts or are both. not a single woman is lauded as a heroine (so far) and most of them are considered evil in the lord's eyes. i dont get that at all. i'm sure there were plenty of good god fearing women in those times who followed the word and instructions more than some of the men out there.
at times it is a real chore to read through those parts of the bible. and god at times comes off like a real asshole. same with jesus. in parts of matthew he is always quizzing and testing the pharisees and it seems that it doesnt matter what answers they give, they're wrong and selfish and doomed to go to the place of gnashing teeth and darkness. there are a lot of parables in matthew that give me the impression that we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.
i am not sure what i was hoping to achieve by reading the bible day by day. enlightenment? understanding? perhaps on both counts. right now though, i'm kind of feeling as if it's a colossal waste of time. i'm going to perservere and hope that there will be better passages and stories which are more interesting.
accounting fuckery ahead
the accounting lady made an appointment to meet with me in less than 2 weeks. she has gone over the stuff deemed an 'easy and quick fix' and still is out the 136 dollars and change and figures it's just missing from the january bank reconcilliation. so she's coming here to fix that and to clean up my a/r and a/p.
once again, i heard the lingo of a quick visit...i already know the set up to this...she's going to get here, deem that it's an easy fix, and we will still be scratching our fucking heads about it 3 hours later. guaranteed.
like i've said before, NOTHING in accounting is ever a quick or easy fix. ever.
once again, i heard the lingo of a quick visit...i already know the set up to this...she's going to get here, deem that it's an easy fix, and we will still be scratching our fucking heads about it 3 hours later. guaranteed.
like i've said before, NOTHING in accounting is ever a quick or easy fix. ever.
the ones that make you laugh
when i think about tinsel, i will always think about my friend curt. havent seen him since the summer of 1994. he always made me laugh at university with his songs and stories. he always had everyone around him in tears.
i have no idea where he is but i do miss the guy. hopefully jen will have stories. last i heard he was teaching somewhere and had a wife and kids. i often think about him and wonder how his life is and if he's still as funny as ever.
i miss hoagie.
i have no idea where he is but i do miss the guy. hopefully jen will have stories. last i heard he was teaching somewhere and had a wife and kids. i often think about him and wonder how his life is and if he's still as funny as ever.
i miss hoagie.
tinsel town comes to med hat
this weekend i'm meeting up with an old friend. we have known each other since we were three, which is pretty cool. we went to school separately, but attended university together under the same discipline.
from the get go, jen was quite ambitious and always knew what she wanted. i think she was quite goal oriented and this was exaserbated once she got engaged in second year. it was like that engagement sparked a whole lifetime of planning. it was graduate, get married, go back to university, teach, and live all within 10 minutes of her family farm. to have full knowledge of that at age 19 was astounding.
that's not to say that i looked at her with envy. i most certainly didnt. i liked jen, but grew tired of endless nights of pondering through bridal magazines and discussions about hoping i'd find my prince someday. meanwhile i was fumbling my way through u of l's biggest princes*. i had no clue what i wanted to do, other than make it through another semester unscathed and pass. that's all that mattered to me.
so while the rest of us were getting drunk, kissing frogs, and falling down, jen spent her weekends driving back home to see her betrothed. i think i looked at her with pity during my four years because she missed out on a lot of fun. according to her, she had all her fun in grade 11 and was done with that once she met brent. fine and dandy, but it wasnt for me. i was finally out from under my mom's thumb and i was going to spend my last $5 at the zoo drinking pitchers of big rock, thanks.
jen did graduate with me and moved back home and married 2 months later. she's been married nearly 16 years now and has two kids, both of which were planned with almost precise measurements. i am certain the only thing they didnt have under control was the time the kids were born...the rest of it was planned right down to the minute, i'm sure.
so while i spent my 20's fumbling through geeks and finding myself, jen was a mom with a husband. she probably did grow up before leaving high school while the rest of us took our sweet time. i dont think i really have ever settled down. i'm ok with that.
so we will meet up this weekend. i'm sure that all the stories exchanged will revolve around husbands and kids and where the time went since we last saw each other. i'm pretty secure with the knowledge that things havent changed. we may be heavier, have more wrinkles and baggage, but some people dont change and sometimes i find comfort in that.
*sarcasm
from the get go, jen was quite ambitious and always knew what she wanted. i think she was quite goal oriented and this was exaserbated once she got engaged in second year. it was like that engagement sparked a whole lifetime of planning. it was graduate, get married, go back to university, teach, and live all within 10 minutes of her family farm. to have full knowledge of that at age 19 was astounding.
that's not to say that i looked at her with envy. i most certainly didnt. i liked jen, but grew tired of endless nights of pondering through bridal magazines and discussions about hoping i'd find my prince someday. meanwhile i was fumbling my way through u of l's biggest princes*. i had no clue what i wanted to do, other than make it through another semester unscathed and pass. that's all that mattered to me.
so while the rest of us were getting drunk, kissing frogs, and falling down, jen spent her weekends driving back home to see her betrothed. i think i looked at her with pity during my four years because she missed out on a lot of fun. according to her, she had all her fun in grade 11 and was done with that once she met brent. fine and dandy, but it wasnt for me. i was finally out from under my mom's thumb and i was going to spend my last $5 at the zoo drinking pitchers of big rock, thanks.
jen did graduate with me and moved back home and married 2 months later. she's been married nearly 16 years now and has two kids, both of which were planned with almost precise measurements. i am certain the only thing they didnt have under control was the time the kids were born...the rest of it was planned right down to the minute, i'm sure.
so while i spent my 20's fumbling through geeks and finding myself, jen was a mom with a husband. she probably did grow up before leaving high school while the rest of us took our sweet time. i dont think i really have ever settled down. i'm ok with that.
so we will meet up this weekend. i'm sure that all the stories exchanged will revolve around husbands and kids and where the time went since we last saw each other. i'm pretty secure with the knowledge that things havent changed. we may be heavier, have more wrinkles and baggage, but some people dont change and sometimes i find comfort in that.
*sarcasm
drained
this cold is kicking my ass. yeah, i probably shouldnt have gone out friday or saturday night, nor should i have watched the superbowl in a public place on sunday.
today i'm suffering and tired and fucked up. my voice is wonky and my head feels dizzy, like i've just taken a hit off a sweet bong, except there's no laughing.
today i'm suffering and tired and fucked up. my voice is wonky and my head feels dizzy, like i've just taken a hit off a sweet bong, except there's no laughing.
Monday, February 08, 2010
big secrets
saturday night i attended a charity auction. didnt buy anything but had fun. of course i sunk $30 into the 50/50 draw and came up with a big fat zero. so much for hoping to pay mastercard or eat this month.
the sil came along with us, naturally. we all sat together and had a relatively good time. she is going to costa rica with her skool in march, which is pretty awesome. for someone who does shit all other than go annually to disneyland with her mother, i think costa rica is pretty impressive. and bold. this girl never takes any chances, so i was sincerely blown away. of course her skool is paying for her to go. naturally...because why wouldnt they? seriously. (i know she wouldnt go otherwise...)
after the auction was over, we all parted ways. we went up to see our friend ross at his pub and the sil was going to meet some friends at another pub. she was texting someone all night long and was quite cryptic about who it was she was going to meet. at one point she was trying to convince us to go along with her to the other pub, but we were set on seeing ross and went there instead. i asked her if she was meeting coworkers and got a very cold answer of "yes"...i suspected there was more to that story.
ch even commented on her silence yesterday and was all smiles, thinking that she was meeting a boy there. hey, if that's true, good on her. what i dont get is the silence about it all, the cryptic behaviour. no, i dont expect full disclosure and details, but i dont understand why she has to be so cryptic and secretive about potential dates.
i got thinking about that and came to a very good conclusion....
the sil is a very insecure person. yes, she is accomplished and presumably good at her job (even tho i have my doubts). i mean, she wouldnt be there if she sucked, right? of course i think she knows how to kiss ass and shine when the right people are watching, but that is a post for another day. this girl doesnt like to take many chances, but most importantly doesnt want to be seen as a failure. you never hear too much about her not succeeding at something or not knowing anything. so i got to thinking that she probably is dating someone, or intending to date someone, but it's at the stage where it's not quite certain if there will be any future or continued contact....so expanding more on what i do know of her, she probably doesnt even want to admit she's dating anyone because of the fear of failure and having to explain to everyone that she failed (again) at a relationship.
it's been long speculated that she is either homosexual or asexual. in the 12 years i've known her, i know that she dated someone for less than 6 months. i only know because she introduced him to us. the rest of the time since then has been a void of male suitors. i'm sure there have been some, but obviously the relationship didnt make it out of its infancy.
in this case i think she is really afraid to be seen as a failure in the family. i'm sure she is already insecure as it is about being perpetually single and with the added external comments and pressure from her mother, i bet it is magnified to almost horrific proportions. at this stage in the game, i'm sure she doesnt want to get ahead of herself to then have to answer to where this person went when everyone starts asking. i surmise that she has had a string of broken relationships. she's not an unattractive person, but i think that once the real personality shines through and the apron strings are revealed, guys lose interest.
who can blame her for being cautious? i cant, but at the same time, i fail to understand how this is more protected than the kennedy assassination.
the sil came along with us, naturally. we all sat together and had a relatively good time. she is going to costa rica with her skool in march, which is pretty awesome. for someone who does shit all other than go annually to disneyland with her mother, i think costa rica is pretty impressive. and bold. this girl never takes any chances, so i was sincerely blown away. of course her skool is paying for her to go. naturally...because why wouldnt they? seriously. (i know she wouldnt go otherwise...)
after the auction was over, we all parted ways. we went up to see our friend ross at his pub and the sil was going to meet some friends at another pub. she was texting someone all night long and was quite cryptic about who it was she was going to meet. at one point she was trying to convince us to go along with her to the other pub, but we were set on seeing ross and went there instead. i asked her if she was meeting coworkers and got a very cold answer of "yes"...i suspected there was more to that story.
ch even commented on her silence yesterday and was all smiles, thinking that she was meeting a boy there. hey, if that's true, good on her. what i dont get is the silence about it all, the cryptic behaviour. no, i dont expect full disclosure and details, but i dont understand why she has to be so cryptic and secretive about potential dates.
i got thinking about that and came to a very good conclusion....
the sil is a very insecure person. yes, she is accomplished and presumably good at her job (even tho i have my doubts). i mean, she wouldnt be there if she sucked, right? of course i think she knows how to kiss ass and shine when the right people are watching, but that is a post for another day. this girl doesnt like to take many chances, but most importantly doesnt want to be seen as a failure. you never hear too much about her not succeeding at something or not knowing anything. so i got to thinking that she probably is dating someone, or intending to date someone, but it's at the stage where it's not quite certain if there will be any future or continued contact....so expanding more on what i do know of her, she probably doesnt even want to admit she's dating anyone because of the fear of failure and having to explain to everyone that she failed (again) at a relationship.
it's been long speculated that she is either homosexual or asexual. in the 12 years i've known her, i know that she dated someone for less than 6 months. i only know because she introduced him to us. the rest of the time since then has been a void of male suitors. i'm sure there have been some, but obviously the relationship didnt make it out of its infancy.
in this case i think she is really afraid to be seen as a failure in the family. i'm sure she is already insecure as it is about being perpetually single and with the added external comments and pressure from her mother, i bet it is magnified to almost horrific proportions. at this stage in the game, i'm sure she doesnt want to get ahead of herself to then have to answer to where this person went when everyone starts asking. i surmise that she has had a string of broken relationships. she's not an unattractive person, but i think that once the real personality shines through and the apron strings are revealed, guys lose interest.
who can blame her for being cautious? i cant, but at the same time, i fail to understand how this is more protected than the kennedy assassination.
it's raining, it's pouring
i am still continuing to ram pills down the cat's throat. i dont see any marked improvement in her health. she's still drooling and looking down. i still have another week worth of pills to give her. all it's really done is made her angry with me. i can see a glimmer of her old attitude surfacing...the attitude (or should i say CATtitude?), the haughty behaviour, and the indifference to my presence. i have a feeling that it's all coming from the feeling of resentment of me struggling with her to give her these pills. i've been scratched and bitten, drooled over, and given the cold shoulder. all in the name of love, i guess.
saturday afternoon i found a tapeworm in the house. GREAT. the dog was on the couch and i saw it wriggling there....so it came from her. jesus christ, when it rains it pours. today i phoned the vet and got 2 treatments for the dogs. thankfully i didnt have to bring them in, which would have been a $50 office visit in addition to the $34 and change for the medication. they had a playdate on saturday and i expressed concern over him getting their worms and the vet tech said i didnt have to worry about him contracting worms...if he did, i'd have to pay for that too.
fortunately pills are much easier to administer to dogs than cats. it's easy: make a peanut butter sandwich, insert the pills, and the dogs are none the wiser. great technique.
i just wish it was that easy with cats.
saturday afternoon i found a tapeworm in the house. GREAT. the dog was on the couch and i saw it wriggling there....so it came from her. jesus christ, when it rains it pours. today i phoned the vet and got 2 treatments for the dogs. thankfully i didnt have to bring them in, which would have been a $50 office visit in addition to the $34 and change for the medication. they had a playdate on saturday and i expressed concern over him getting their worms and the vet tech said i didnt have to worry about him contracting worms...if he did, i'd have to pay for that too.
fortunately pills are much easier to administer to dogs than cats. it's easy: make a peanut butter sandwich, insert the pills, and the dogs are none the wiser. great technique.
i just wish it was that easy with cats.
holy shit
ch is quite fed up with the kinsmen. for the last 2 or three weeks he has talked endlessly about quitting. he is currently serving his term as prez till the end of june, and he is so tired of the do-nothing attitudes that some of the members have, and is so sick of it that he is wanting to walk away from the club and do something else entirely.
i'm shocked because he has always loved working with the kinsmen and has made it a big part of his life. there were times when projects he was running took over our lives and livingrooms. i've even helped him out in certain tasks, but reluctantly, seeing as it's me dedicating my time so that some of the other non-doers can continue to do nothing. i feel as if i dont owe any of them anything.
and yeah, i've had fun doing some of that stuff, but really i'm not a member of the club. i can see ch's frustration with it and i cant blame him for wanting to leave. last night i tried convincing him that if he quits without saying his peace, he's giving the do-nothings exactly what they want. i told ch to think of who loses if he quits...the answer being the community. no, ch doesnt single handedly run projects and he isnt solely responsible for the successes or failures, but if more guys who want to do things leave because of lazy members, then who will be left to benefit the community? see? the community loses when guys who are doers leave. and i told ch last night that the lazy ones shouldnt benefit by him leaving...he should force those guys out and think of the bigger picture...our city.
just before i went to bed, ch was so worked up and determined to quit in june...he figures he will invest his time somewhere else instead. it's sad that he has to quit in order to be happy.
i'm shocked because he has always loved working with the kinsmen and has made it a big part of his life. there were times when projects he was running took over our lives and livingrooms. i've even helped him out in certain tasks, but reluctantly, seeing as it's me dedicating my time so that some of the other non-doers can continue to do nothing. i feel as if i dont owe any of them anything.
and yeah, i've had fun doing some of that stuff, but really i'm not a member of the club. i can see ch's frustration with it and i cant blame him for wanting to leave. last night i tried convincing him that if he quits without saying his peace, he's giving the do-nothings exactly what they want. i told ch to think of who loses if he quits...the answer being the community. no, ch doesnt single handedly run projects and he isnt solely responsible for the successes or failures, but if more guys who want to do things leave because of lazy members, then who will be left to benefit the community? see? the community loses when guys who are doers leave. and i told ch last night that the lazy ones shouldnt benefit by him leaving...he should force those guys out and think of the bigger picture...our city.
just before i went to bed, ch was so worked up and determined to quit in june...he figures he will invest his time somewhere else instead. it's sad that he has to quit in order to be happy.
countdown's on
less than a month till maui.
i still feel as if there isnt enough time, and yet i think it cant come fast enough. i'm very tired of this winter and just need to see a beach or hear the ocean. it's like a drug and i need more!
of course that means that i'll have to be nice during the 4 days we're in maui and put up with that white trash cocksucker and his endless comments about my bootcamp, or asking for free meals from everyone around him (oh of course always said in jest, but there is absolute desire lurking underneath), or his jealous bullshit that he will put his girlfriend through, and by proxy, me because i wont get away from any of it. oh i just cant wait.
i think ch has been on board enough to not disclose our plans for oahu afterward. i think they know we are going, but that is where it ends. hopefully.
i hope to attend meetings and take a bike tour. they have amazing ones where you get shuttled to the top of a volcano at 5am, watch the sunrise, and then ride down the mountain. i am already in my zen place sitting up there over top of the clouds and watching the sun come up. i already envision myself there and see it being so relaxing, so cold, yet so beautiful. it's my go-to happy place right now, and has even pushed the beach and waves to #2.
i still feel as if there isnt enough time, and yet i think it cant come fast enough. i'm very tired of this winter and just need to see a beach or hear the ocean. it's like a drug and i need more!
of course that means that i'll have to be nice during the 4 days we're in maui and put up with that white trash cocksucker and his endless comments about my bootcamp, or asking for free meals from everyone around him (oh of course always said in jest, but there is absolute desire lurking underneath), or his jealous bullshit that he will put his girlfriend through, and by proxy, me because i wont get away from any of it. oh i just cant wait.
i think ch has been on board enough to not disclose our plans for oahu afterward. i think they know we are going, but that is where it ends. hopefully.
i hope to attend meetings and take a bike tour. they have amazing ones where you get shuttled to the top of a volcano at 5am, watch the sunrise, and then ride down the mountain. i am already in my zen place sitting up there over top of the clouds and watching the sun come up. i already envision myself there and see it being so relaxing, so cold, yet so beautiful. it's my go-to happy place right now, and has even pushed the beach and waves to #2.
we got ripped off
we went to rossco's to watch the superbowl yesterday. it was on sattelite, so presumably we'd get the commercials.
not so.
we missed all the good commercials and were stuck with lameass olympic commercials which were played at EVERY break, time out, fart in the game. it was that ridiculous trumpet going on and on while showcasing our athletes.
i'm not kidding, every.single.fucking.commercial. trumpet, trumpet, TRUMPET.
and i found out that the olympics are 17 days long...
more fucking trumpets.
god give me strength.
not so.
we missed all the good commercials and were stuck with lameass olympic commercials which were played at EVERY break, time out, fart in the game. it was that ridiculous trumpet going on and on while showcasing our athletes.
i'm not kidding, every.single.fucking.commercial. trumpet, trumpet, TRUMPET.
and i found out that the olympics are 17 days long...
more fucking trumpets.
god give me strength.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
torch
i've been watching the torch relay on and off for the last 1/2 hr.
it's amazing to see the spirit of every runner, how they enthusiastically grip the torch, pass the flame on, wave to the crowd, and run triumphantly on. i think their run is only a few hundred meters, but there is immense pride as they carry that torch for their 4 minutes of glory. each time it's passed on, torchbearers high five, hug, dance, give kisses in celebration. horns toot, the crowd cheers, occasionally you can hear "o canada" being sung.
it's amazing this olympic spirit...
bring on the games!
it's amazing to see the spirit of every runner, how they enthusiastically grip the torch, pass the flame on, wave to the crowd, and run triumphantly on. i think their run is only a few hundred meters, but there is immense pride as they carry that torch for their 4 minutes of glory. each time it's passed on, torchbearers high five, hug, dance, give kisses in celebration. horns toot, the crowd cheers, occasionally you can hear "o canada" being sung.
it's amazing this olympic spirit...
bring on the games!
balancing cat/act
so the cat is ok. thank god.
right now the only problem with the cat is the attitude i get from her when i have to give her pill twice a day. i have to hold her down and wrestle her mouth open and insert pill with minimal drama. the first time i attempted it, the cat spat the pill out three different times before i was finally able to get it down her yaw. now, 4 or 5 pills in, i am able to get it in with minimum effort. of course the cat still runs away completely miffed that i've dared to open her mouth and violate her. oh the guilt that pours forth when this happens!! i let her go off to sulk and after about 1/2 hr she's better and i'm forgiven.
so right now she's on my lap as i awkwardly type. occasionally i'll get a claw to the inner thigh as she readjusts her position on my lap. the sid of old would never have condescended to sit on my lap for any length of time, so i still find this personality flip quite peculiar, but at the same time i'm not going to curse it by complaining.
i feel like i have been given back time, so i'm doing my best to enjoy both cats and take pictures and give hugs and kisses, even when it's met with disdain.
you never know how much time you have left.
so for now i'll endure the occasional claw to the thigh, the drool that drops as they purr, and the scorn of a turned back. i have my cats. i'm happy.
right now the only problem with the cat is the attitude i get from her when i have to give her pill twice a day. i have to hold her down and wrestle her mouth open and insert pill with minimal drama. the first time i attempted it, the cat spat the pill out three different times before i was finally able to get it down her yaw. now, 4 or 5 pills in, i am able to get it in with minimum effort. of course the cat still runs away completely miffed that i've dared to open her mouth and violate her. oh the guilt that pours forth when this happens!! i let her go off to sulk and after about 1/2 hr she's better and i'm forgiven.
so right now she's on my lap as i awkwardly type. occasionally i'll get a claw to the inner thigh as she readjusts her position on my lap. the sid of old would never have condescended to sit on my lap for any length of time, so i still find this personality flip quite peculiar, but at the same time i'm not going to curse it by complaining.
i feel like i have been given back time, so i'm doing my best to enjoy both cats and take pictures and give hugs and kisses, even when it's met with disdain.
you never know how much time you have left.
so for now i'll endure the occasional claw to the thigh, the drool that drops as they purr, and the scorn of a turned back. i have my cats. i'm happy.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
phat camp
great experience, lots of hard work, but ultimately worth it.
motivating.
a lot of behind the scenes drama that i'm reluctantly focussed on and trying to eliminate. i just dont understand other women at times. i mean, we are at a conference/mass workout trying to improve self esteem and confidence and then you have other women commenting negatively on the women in attendance. my roommate constantly commented about one member who was in great shape and very attractive. for my roommate, it was a source of irritation and upset and i can not count the number of times she commented negatively on this person and it was so bad that she became obsessed with commenting on her appearance and actions while she was in her group, and telling me all about it. i got so tired of listening to it so by day three, i told her to STFU.
i think my roommate is a very envious person and is made jealous easily. i have to admit that jealousy isnt really in my vocabulary. sure, i can envy people, but when i really stop and think about it, i am in control of my own situation and would i really trade everything i had for someone else's life? the good and the bad about them? no! i'll take my baggage, thanks...warts and all.
i tried expressing that to my roommate and i think it fell on deaf ears. so did my pleas for her to shut up about this woman. if all you get out of a weekend is negative shit, then the problem is you, not the program.
i enjoyed phat camp. i would go again...but would stay alone in my own room.
(more on that later)
motivating.
a lot of behind the scenes drama that i'm reluctantly focussed on and trying to eliminate. i just dont understand other women at times. i mean, we are at a conference/mass workout trying to improve self esteem and confidence and then you have other women commenting negatively on the women in attendance. my roommate constantly commented about one member who was in great shape and very attractive. for my roommate, it was a source of irritation and upset and i can not count the number of times she commented negatively on this person and it was so bad that she became obsessed with commenting on her appearance and actions while she was in her group, and telling me all about it. i got so tired of listening to it so by day three, i told her to STFU.
i think my roommate is a very envious person and is made jealous easily. i have to admit that jealousy isnt really in my vocabulary. sure, i can envy people, but when i really stop and think about it, i am in control of my own situation and would i really trade everything i had for someone else's life? the good and the bad about them? no! i'll take my baggage, thanks...warts and all.
i tried expressing that to my roommate and i think it fell on deaf ears. so did my pleas for her to shut up about this woman. if all you get out of a weekend is negative shit, then the problem is you, not the program.
i enjoyed phat camp. i would go again...but would stay alone in my own room.
(more on that later)
sadness
for the last month or so my white cat sid has been going downhill. she was ordinarily chunky and big and was a typical cat: she wanted nothing to do with me until it was time to be fed. about a month ago, she started following me around the house, sitting on me whenever i'd hit the couch, and even following me up to bed. i have to admit i have been flattered by that attention because in all the years i've owned her (14), she's never even pretended to be interested in me.
i noticed the cat getting skinnier over the past month as well. at first it started with her backbone, as it went from being "flat" to now ridged with skeleton. she's lighter as well. i'd say she's probably dropped 5lbs in a month. definitely something is wrong.
monday i was petting her and noticed that she started drooling on her right side and when i investigated further, i noticed that her right lymph node under her chin is swollen. definitely not good.
i spent all of yesterday crying and trying to hide it from ch and the general public. i fear the worst. and what is the saddest about all of it is that i never expected her to be the sick one. tasha has been thin and is older than sid, so i just expected that she would be the first one to go. i think that's what makes this all very difficult.
today i finally stopped crying long enough to make a vet appointment. she goes in at 11:30 and i hope they do some bloodwork. i dont want to be around for that, i just want to explain the symptoms and let them do what they have to. right now i fear she has feline diabetes, and altho it's treatable with daily injections and testing, i'm not sure that's something i want to live with.
i am a pessimist at heart so i believe the cat will not come home with me today. i think they're going to phone me later with the test results and confirm my suspicions that the cat is very sick and will either need a battery of tests and surgeries or has to be put to sleep. i'm trying to tell myself that it's ok to make that decision, that it's more humane, but it is very hard to let go of human emotions in terms of making decisions that ultimately do not affect my well being.
i just have to be strong, but it's damned hard. it's a case of trying to be an adult and do something i've dreaded for years. knowing this decision is here is so damned difficult and hard to choke back. i'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this is something that can be fixed with a shot or a pill. i'm reluctantly accepting the inevitable.
i noticed the cat getting skinnier over the past month as well. at first it started with her backbone, as it went from being "flat" to now ridged with skeleton. she's lighter as well. i'd say she's probably dropped 5lbs in a month. definitely something is wrong.
monday i was petting her and noticed that she started drooling on her right side and when i investigated further, i noticed that her right lymph node under her chin is swollen. definitely not good.
i spent all of yesterday crying and trying to hide it from ch and the general public. i fear the worst. and what is the saddest about all of it is that i never expected her to be the sick one. tasha has been thin and is older than sid, so i just expected that she would be the first one to go. i think that's what makes this all very difficult.
today i finally stopped crying long enough to make a vet appointment. she goes in at 11:30 and i hope they do some bloodwork. i dont want to be around for that, i just want to explain the symptoms and let them do what they have to. right now i fear she has feline diabetes, and altho it's treatable with daily injections and testing, i'm not sure that's something i want to live with.
i am a pessimist at heart so i believe the cat will not come home with me today. i think they're going to phone me later with the test results and confirm my suspicions that the cat is very sick and will either need a battery of tests and surgeries or has to be put to sleep. i'm trying to tell myself that it's ok to make that decision, that it's more humane, but it is very hard to let go of human emotions in terms of making decisions that ultimately do not affect my well being.
i just have to be strong, but it's damned hard. it's a case of trying to be an adult and do something i've dreaded for years. knowing this decision is here is so damned difficult and hard to choke back. i'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this is something that can be fixed with a shot or a pill. i'm reluctantly accepting the inevitable.
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here's how it went down. i'm not even sure i want to write this or share it but maybe it's therapy.
so i had kind of figured out that the cat wasnt doing too well. thursday i was watching her try to drink water at the dish and it broke my heart. i had brought out a spoon to see if she would drink from it and altho she took a few licks, it wouldnt be enough. the thirst was there, but the ability wasnt. it was hard to witness. thursday night i figured i'd try to book a dental earlier for her at another vet office, thinking that if i could get her in earlier that i'd have a chance of saving her.
when i woke friday and looked at her, i knew i really couldnt. there was hope there, but so much had changed with the cat that she really wasnt herself. she no longer laid in the sunbeam in the mornings, she didnt scratch the stairs with vigor, she just laid there. she was either laying beside the couch and plant, or on the kitchen chair, or at her water dish looking in as if she was narcissus himself. it wasnt sid behaviour. i told ch that i thought i'd have to make that decision and that i was so uncertain of whether she could be saved and he said that we should get a second opinion of it and get someone honest to figure out whether it would be worth it to put her through a dental.
i called a vet's office and explained the situation and they were immediately concerned and fit me in, so i drove off with her. she sat on my lap and meowed quietly the whole way, but stayed stationary and looked out the window. she was happy enough to sit there and be held. we got to the vet and i discovered that it was my long lost vet that i had a previous pet relationship with and i was immediately relieved. not only is he hot as hell, he had been so helpful with our dogs the last few times we had them in there. i liked his calm manner and kindness...always an asset. and compared to the stephane dion lookalike that i had on feb 3, this guy easily batted it out of the park.
i was feeling much better talking to dr gupta. he looked at sid and listened to me describe her symptoms. then he checked her fur and said that it wasnt nearly as elastic. when cats are dehydrated, their skin will tent when pulled, as opposed to bounce right back. sid's tented and stayed up. he said that she was severely dehydrated and would need fluids for a few days via iv if she was to have surgery. he felt the lump that was on the right side of her neck and wasnt too sure what it was but thought it could be some kind of hypothyroidism or else a tumor of some sort. then he looked in her mouth and uttered the words every pet owner dreads: OH.
it's one syllable you dont want to hear when your pet's future hangs in the balance.
so then he said he thought i should look at it and went to get his assistant. he got his kind assistant in and she held sid while samir opened her mouth and showed me the big lump at the back of her throat on the right side. it was where our wisdom teeth would be and it was big and puffy and red and in places it looked as if parts of the skin were rubbed raw. and then he pointed at her tongue which was pushed to the left side because of the tumor and told me that wasnt right. he mentioned that the tumor there would make it incredibly difficult for her to swallow and would explain the light eating and drinking.
he said that it would take days before she was hydrated enough to undergo surgery and then he could possibly remove the tumor in her mouth, but he wasnt sure about the one on her neck. i started crying, the floodgates wouldnt stop and said that i thought i should euthanise her. then, always asking for reassurance, i asked him if that was the best course of action. he told me that i could sink thousands into surgeries with unknown results which wouldnt necessarily guarantee the survival of my siddy. his honesty made my decision much easier to make.
i was adamant that i couldnt stay for her end. i just couldnt. i'd be tempted to yell out NO, DONT in the middle of it and i couldnt, knowing that her comfort was more important than my human emotions and inability to let go. so they brought in the papers and i said i wanted her ashes and wanted an urn. they then brought in the samples while i held my cat. i chose her final resting place and they left us together for a few moments to say our goodbyes.
it wasnt easy. i cried. i thanked her for being so good and apologised. see, i felt and still feel as if i let her down, even tho i know that there wouldnt be anything that could have prevented what happened to her, but i felt as if i had to say that i was sorry for leaving her. initially she was on the table on a towel and wouldnt stay there but when i moved that towel to my lap, she laid there and purred and stayed. it was in those few quiet moments i wondered if she knew her end.
the knock finally came and they asked if i was ready to let her go and i handed her over, scratched her on the head and said, "bye lil weepy".
i paid my bill and left. i couldnt see in the parking lot for the tears. couldnt get the damned jeep to move in 2 wheel drive. finally got it moving and drove home like a tear stained zombie. i got here and washed all her things, the towels she'd slept on, the cat blankies, my coat where she had drooled and like a drone, i rearranged the furniture in the livingroom and took a shower. i just couldnt bear to wear the same clothes and to have the couch sit where it sat and always be looking for her.
it was a hard day. and as i sit here i look at the three furry faces all in various stages of sleep and i know i'm going to have to do this again. three very difficult days, combined with perhaps weeks of agonizing. it's the endings that always make you wonder why you began, but when you think about the years of happiness, companionship, and love you are given, you would probably do it all again in a heartbeat.
i'm going to miss you my little siddy weep, my weepy chee, my littlest kitten.
i know time heals all wounds. i get that. i'm hurting in ways i cant possibly understand, but i know it will get better eventually.
it's funny, i oscillate from happy to sad. and ya know, it doesnt take much...whether it's a song, a thought, or the absence of a white face at my lunch table.
at one point tonight i thought i caught a glimpse of her face and was going to call out her nickname (chipeeee!) and had to stop myself short because it was her face where tasha's was. but for that brief moment i swore it was her looking at me from the couch.
i'm sure she is everywhere: from the corner where she used to sit, to the area where the sun streamed in where she'd roll and bask, to the slowly falling flakes of snow which will always remind me of getting in my jeep and leaving her behind for good...i know she is somewhere and not just in my heart.
i'm off to another vet for a second opinion on the cat.
ch has been really supportive and has said that we should investigate our options before we put the cat to sleep. he said he doesnt care about the cost, provided we know we will get a healthy cat out of it. and if it turns out that we have to make a big decision, then at least we can knowing we did with a professional opinion behind us, other than "i dont know".
appointment is at 3:15...i'm hoping for clarity.
i log my calories at sparkpeople.com.
for the last 12 hrs, their website has been down.
ordinarily that wouldnt be a problem, but i rely heavily on my calorie counts and recording them and meeting my daily caloric limits and at the present time, i have no idea where i stand. am i close to 1700? not close? what?
it drives me nuts not to know. usually at night, i find i'm trying to cram in over 700 calories to meet my daily requirements and that's probably not a good thing. it's best to space all that shit out, i realise, but during the day i'm not as *hungry* as i feel at night. i can eat a good breakfast and lunch and be ok till just before class and at that point i'm usually around 700-900 calories and feeling good. it's from 6pm onward where it kinda goes sideways and the pressure's on to meet those calories.
i know, i know, i could eat more during the day and a smaller meal at night, but i do enjoy having a large amount of calories in the bank, so to speak, so that i can enjoy my dinner, possibly occasionally have red meat (which is a huge calorie zapper) or if i feel like a beer, i can have one. ya know?
i really should go back to the old fashioned way of journalling and stop relying on the internet...
it's hard to let go of it.
so until tomorrow, i'm going to wonder where i end up. i suppose it's ok...i'm going for dinner tomorrow night, so maybe it's a good thing that i'm saving up? who knows.
i'm sorry this blog has been so blarg. yeah, it's more of a blarg than a blog. it's just how this month has gone, i'm afraid.
i'm still wondering what to do about the cat. i was determined as of 16:00hrs to put her to sleep, that it was the only option.
then i got home from the gym and fed her yogurt and the cat ate it. i gave her milk and she drank it. maybe small sips, but she did nonetheless. after a while, she got up and played in the waterdish. she would chase the bubbles and want to play with them. i got down and grabbed a spoon and she lapped some water out of the spoon which made me think that i could possibly hydrate her that way. fuck, i think i'm going loco with this.
then i started hoping that i could just call a couple of vet clinics in the hat to see if i can get her in for surgery in the next 48-72hrs. i'm definitely considering that right now...so i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and make the calls and see. my regular clinic cant do it till march 5th and that's a no go for me, so i'm going to start making calls and seeing what happens.
if i come up with nothing, i might try the clinic in maple creek. YES, it's in saskatchewan. i KNOW. but i have heard good things about it...good drs and prices...and it will be my final hope.
if there are negative answers, i will then turn to euthanasia. i dont want the cat to suffer much longer and i dont think she can hold on till march 16th. and even if she does, i think she wont be in any shape to operate on.
my biggest regret is not booking the surgery feb 3rd when i was initially in to the vet. i should have done it then because they would have got me in within the last 2 weeks and i'd have my answers....
i wonder if it's going to be my biggest regret in all this, second to not giving her all her antibiotics....
i am still tenatively going to yyc with my crazy friend sandra. we used to walk together quite a bit back in 2008 in the spring and she's never quite let that go. ever since then, she's gone on endlessly that she's tried to replace me as a walking partner but nobody was as good as me. uhm, what? blowingsmokeupmyass huh? i dont get it. it's always with the manipulative shit and i hate it. she's always going on that she was absolutely the fittest when we walked together...i only have so many hours in a day for crazy shit.
i got sick and tired of being the walking psychologist to her insecurities. and she is one person who never quite learns from her mistakes. case in point, she keeps going back to the guy who beats her and calls her useless. so she will always update me and say "i did it again...why do i keep going back to him when he treats me this badly?" i never have answers. i just think she is stupid. i mean, really, if you are going to let someone physically and mentally abuse you and you are aware of it and fucking tell everyone about it, then you are fucking dumber than words. i dont want to hear it. it's like being aware that your stove burner is red hot, but touching it and then bitching about it for hours and then going and touching it again once the scar heals.
evidently this chick has never learned from mistakes.
i know that some people out there are like seductive kryptonite. you know they are bad, but you cant help but be attracted to them. we've all done it. i can say i have too. but i really draw the line at being attracted to someone who constantly berates you and slaps you around.
i also draw the line at being the counsellor and having to hear about it. professional help isnt that much these days and when you work where sandra does, you have a kickass benefits program that will pay for it...so why not invest the time and money into counselling instead of being attracted to the wrong person? i guess i'll never make a good counsellor because i have little time and patience for people who refuse to learn life's lessons. christallmighty, the lesson is constantly being spoon fed to her and she refuses to absorb anything, but wants me to feel sorry for her...i just cant.
so now she is bugging me wanting to go walking because the weather is improving. walks are always in her neck of the city and are on her time. yes, i need the exercise, but when it's accompanied by crazy talk, i just have little patience for it. i'm going to have to delicately side step that conversation...
fuck, why do i attract the fucking crazies?
i stumbled across ray's website thanks to my habit of listening to cbc religiously. they were interviewing him and talking about his personal training.
he writes a blog and altho at times it's rash with spelling errors (sorry, i hate it when people mix up "you're" and "your"), he has some great advice.
one thing i picked up: T-F-A-R
Thoughts lead to Feelings causing Actions that create your Results.
i like it.
you can see ray's website at buildingbodies.ca
pros to having feline dental surgery:
- cat potentially lives longer
- cat stops being in pain
- i can enjoy my cat longer
- cat has a 50-50 chance of making it through anesthesia
- endless bouts of pills to make her well
- dental problems might not be the cause of her distress; it could be worse
- it's expensive, starting at $450
- the stress of leaving her there at the clinic and wondering if she will make it
- paying for surgery and having the cat die
i've been watching sid for the last day or so and things are not getting better. there definitely is desire there to eat and drink but she is unable. today she went up to her water dish and sniffed the water, clearly wanting it, but then did nothing. it was as if she was trying to remember what to do next. she sat there and then extended herself as if she was resting her head on the dish.
the desire to drink and eat is still there, but the capacity to is diminished.
i tried phoning the vet to see if i could get an earlier dental surgery, but they cant do it. the next available day is the 5th of march and there's no way because we leave the 6th for that fucking hawaii trip. and i hate to curse it because i've looked forward to it for so long, but i am pissed about it and the timing of everything.
i feel quite pressured to do the right thing by the cat. no heating blanket, towel stretched out, or fussing is making her eat or drink properly. and i dont think that a cat can survive long if it doesnt drink water. eventually her organs will start shutting down.
when i think of how much pain she likely is in, i feel sick to my stomach. i wish there was something i could do to make it stop right now. something herbal or good for cats. i'm at the point now where i wonder if i should start thinking of putting her to sleep instead of going through a dental procedure. thinking of that makes me upset immediately, but i know that it would be for the best for the cat.
ch wants me to call around and see if other clinics can get her in faster...i may do that, but i have to think about it and weigh the pros and cons.
today was the first time in a long time i called my mom to chat. except for xmas day, i think it had been about a year since i called her to talk. i know it sounds incredibly odd, but that is how it is. or, as my aunt sandy would existentially put it "it is what it is".
i had to call mom tho to bounce off some ideas about the cat and get her feedback. she's had plenty of experience in sick and ailing felines and so i do turn to her for assistance in these times. she's all in favour of me getting the dental for sid, so i think i'm doing the right thing.
when we were talking, tho, we thought that maybe it's best for her to get it march 3rd and then bring her home for the 2 days and then send her back to be boarded while i'm in maui so that she does get proper care...
tomorrow i'm calling the vet to see if there are earlier openings than march 3rd, and if not, then rebooking for the 3rd if i can get boarding in addition to it.
still...i am kicking myself for not doing any of this earlier...jesus.
i'm still at a crossroads with my cat. she's not doing any better.
of course it might help slightly if i would fight with her twice a day to give her antibiotics, but i have since given up. call me a failure. god knows i do it daily. there is so much guilt racked up over it, i dont even know how to dig myself out of it. sure, i probably could crush up her pill and try to get it down her in alternative ways, but it's a difficult challenge with three other competitive mouths always on the hunt for new treats.
sometimes having more than one animal sucks. hard.
right now i am thinking of going ahead with the dental surgery for the cat. there is a 50-50 chance she will make it out alive. i dont know at this point if saying no to it is being fair to her. afterall, she is lethargic and drooling and spends most of her time hiding between the couch and my plant. is that really a life for a cat?
there is still desire to live, which gives me hope. she is interested in eating and drinking and that's always a good sign. it's that small flicker that tells me that her life is worth fighting for and you really can not assign a cost to it, no matter how insanely priced veterinarian services are. i want this cat to have a happy time on earth and right now i dont think it is pleasant.
i called the vet's office this afternoon to ask questions and for once the lady that is usually snarky and short was kind and accommodating. patient. that's a first, but i was grateful for it. i asked a plethora of questions and she understood where i was coming from and patiently answered.
initially i was going to get sid into a procedure on the 3rd of march. i had really hoped that i could get her in next week so that i could sort shit out before we left on the 6th for hawaii, but that wont happen. if i got her in on the 3rd, it would really mean dropping her off on the 2nd to be hooked to an iv (because they recommend that for older cats) and then undergoing the procedure the next day at 8am. i'd spend the whole day wondering and worrying whether she'd make it out alive and would theoretically be allowed to take her home by five.
seeing as we are heading to hawaii three days later, i dont feel comfortable leaving her after her surgery (should she survive). instead, i booked it tenatively for the 16th of march, which is the day after we return. the same deal would apply: i'd have to take her in the afternoon of the 15th, but i think i can handle that.
potentially it could be our last interaction. there is that part of me that feels immense sorrow, but there's the other side of me that thinks that it will be what it will be. if she dies on the table, then reluctantly i can accept that it is how fate meant it. and i hope that if she dies, it is a peaceful one without struggle and suffering.
of course it kills me to say that and write it and already the tears are starting, but i have to do what's right by my cat. it's at the point where i cant continue to witness her sliding downhill. i just regret not doing it a few weeks ago because i now am worrying and wondering if she will be fit enough to make the surgery in less than a month.
i just know that heartache comes with owning pets. you know when you get them that these days will surely come, but when they do, trust me, you wish it would happen tomorrow.
i get emailed surveys from the marie brighton group. they used to send detailed surveys out by mail but have taken to bombarding my inbox with various surveys about my purchasing habits.
ordinarily i dont mind. today? not the case.
i was given a survey about my banking, something i've filled out before. there must have been 3597459 questions asking the same redundant thing over and over. often, these surveys have a percentage in the upper right hand corner so you can see how far along the survey is...by about 26%, i was pissed off and blindly putting down answers. not bothering to read the questions. just getting angrier that they were wasting my time with this bullshit.
i wonder who reads that stuff and if someone actually compiles data on responses. i wonder if there is a statistic out there that indicates when the average person gets tired of answering questions? it's pretty obvious that these cocks havent quite figured out that magic number yet.
we bought those flowers for the mil on friday. we never heard one word of thanks or acknowledgement for them either.
turns out they were going to mexico the day after they were delivered.
great. nothing like flushing $60 for someone who cant be bothered to say thanks.
it's shit like that which drives me nuts. these assholes think they'll be the only ones to teach the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids you knowwwwwwwww manners?
fuck.
i have a love hate relationship with the sil.
there are some days i can get along with her, and others where she is so insufferable and narcissistic i just want to puke.
i was thinking about her today because she dropped off ch's bday presents for him yesterday. she had texted me wondering if we'd be home yesterday and wanted to drop the stuff off. instead, she went to the shop and did it there. i find it kind of annoying because she will look for any excuse to go to our store and hang out there. on the other hand, i'm relieved because she becomes ch's problem and not mine. if she was coming here, i'd feel as if i'd have to clean up the house because she is a neat freak. when she's all up in my kitchen, my anxiety rises and i stress out, much the same way the inlaws piss me off and give me anxiety issues.
anyway, i was thinking about her because she dropped off a big bag full of tshirts and shorts and swim trunks for ch. nice enough gesture, and i know i really shouldnt hack, but she is one big assed ball of vanilla boringness. every tshirt in there was white, even the shorts were plain black, and the swimsuit was a boring grey. when there are SO many colors and styles out there, why on earth would you go and pick out a plain grey pair of trunks? her entire wardrobe is either black, white, or grey, so i can see her imposing her ideas on ch, but it's SO irritating. what's worse is she thinks it's all normal to go and buy outfits for everyone in the family. i just dont get it.
while she was at the shop, she also dropped off ch's snorkel mask and tube and our digital thermostat. fuck, she is running her parents' errands for them. she just found out a week ago that we were going to hawaii and so she went home and got ch's snorkel mask. every single time we go away on a hot vacation, his dad gets up in our grills about the snorkel gear and how we should pack it and go snorkelling. it's nonstop badgering and nagging that we should pack that shit. and now by proxy, she's fucking up in our faces about snorkelling! fuck off! i think they even dropped off a snorkel set here at our house, or else insisted we pack it on some lame vacation, and it never came out of the fucking suitcase. but they are So adamant that we take and pack that shit, once again imposing their fucking wishes and plans on us. it drives me nuts. so ch just threw this snorkel set on the spare room bed (because isnt that where everything useless goes?? FUCK) and it will sit there. i asked him if he was going to take it and he said "oh i dunno", which translates to NO. he's too afraid to outright say "no" or "i dont want it" to any of these cocksuckers, so we get stuck with this shit piled into our house.
same with the digital thermostat...once again, my fil is getting his nose in our business. he had installed a digital thermostat months ago and then the thing fucking shorted out to the tune of $600 in november. we put the old one back on there and left it, but it wasnt good enough for the fil. he kept phoning us every time canadian tire put out a flyer, to let us know that they were on sale. when his nagging didnt sink in and we didnt automatically drop everything we were doing and sprint to the store after he called, he just took matters into his own hands and bought us one. so i kinda said something snarky about it last night to ch and he was all defensive and saying that it was "on sale"...
what that means is that the fil will fucking butt in here the first chance he has, which i think will be next weekend (woooo, i'm going SHOPPING in yyc....even if it is with the dysfunctional friend...who cares...no inlaws!!) and install it. they are in mexico right now, but you can bet they'll be here the first weekend they possibly can be to fucking butt in and interrupt our lives and yet again take over our house. i swear, he wont rest until our house looks exactly like his and we do everything he does.
but my whole jist to this post is that the sil is a big gigantic puppet for the parents. it's like they just stick their hand up her ass and move her mouth and their words come tumbling out. it's to the point now where she's almost past being a puppet and is more of an extension or an appendage. it's her hand (but really theirs) delivering the digital thermostat and snorkelling gear. it's her voice, but it's her dad's doing the nagging about what "should" be done around here.
this fucking family drives me nuts. i wish they'd wake up and realise that the entire world does not aspire to be anything like any of them.
i had a great time reconnecting with my friend and her family. it was like time stood still, just as i predicted. of course jen and brent are still way in love and are happy. i always kind of termed her as oblivious...she just seems to be either oblivious or impervious to things going on around her and her inner world is always so perfect and awesome that you wonder if you are the moron here or if she really is that clueless. how can someone be so positively happy with a man that they are almost oblivious to reality? not saying anything bad about brent because he is a really great guy, but i wonder if they have their fights and problems and issues, or if it's just me who is always looking for that shit?
of course they are very happy and in love. they've been married nearly 16 years and i have to say that it is a good match. they work well together and are happy. jen, in general, is a very happy person. she's always laughing or telling stories, and it's entertaining. we had a few great laughs recalling stories of our other friends and reminiscing.
and her kids are adorable...very cute and outgoing and polite and hilarious. i spent a lot of time laughing with/at them. their antics and smiles and attitudes were too cute.
in a way, i felt a little sad after the weekend was done, wondering about the path i chose and whether it was the right one. there was a moment where i started wondering if i made the right choice not to procreate and where my life would be if i had done things differently. i was thinking about how much fun it would be to have that group of parents who travelled together for their kids' tournaments and spent time doing fun things like taking them swimming and encouraging them in sports and external interests. (of course as i type that, i realise that i do have a group of adults who travel together who are DINKS and how enjoyable that all is, too.) of course i understand that one weekend of a few hours visiting does not illustrate the time spent dealing with discipline and putting up with whining, fighting, and heartbreaks. any parenting could look easy when it's done in a 2-3 hr stretch, right?
it made me think back to my first bf and how i'm sure that if i had stayed with him, i'd be a mom with a bunch of kids living on his parents' farm in nobleford. even when i type that, my stomach turns. maybe i already know my answer...? i know that i'd have been closer to my mother (physically, not emotionally), which would mean smothering and her little "just a thoughts" all up in my face all the time because the farm is only 20 minutes or less from lethbridge. christ. i'm sure, like my marriage, the sex would have been great up to a point...you know, the point where they stop caring and hold out on you? yeah...so it would have been exciting for the first few years and then disappointing. fuck.
i seem to be going in circles about this. there is a reluctant part of me that will always wonder what it would have been like if i had become a parent and done the "right" thing all the way through my adult life. i cant deny it, however that's not to say that i am not enjoying my life the way it is.
it is, as my mother would say, "just a thought".
next weekend i'm supposed to go to yyc with a friend. i went to phat camp with her and she drove me nutso with her constant yammering all fucking weekend long. foolishly i said i'd go shopping with her for the day on the 27th. i'm wondering if i'm going to regret that decision.
this friend is just a fitness friend, someone i'd never consider for a *real* friend. even calling her a fitness friend is pushing it. really. it's more like she glommed onto me in classes and decided that i was her only motivator throughout the fitness process. she got it in her skull that we should walk together, so we did that for a spell, but it was always on her schedule in her area of town and during that time, it was always nonstop bantering about the latest dramas.
i think she also competes against me in a way that is obnoxious and i believe she uses it against me when describing me to other people. she has a knack for talking about people and it's never in a positive light. it's always a compliment followed immediately by an insult. i cant stand it. even her best friend...she will talk about her positively but always throw in an insult right after it like "oh d is so great, but she is really worried about being single for the rest of her life". i believe that she is the one who is the most insecure, but projects it onto everyone else. all weekend, it was insecurities about diet, weight, her age (which she never STFU about), exercising, eating...i mean, EVERYTHING was a fucking issue of discussion. endless discussion. where you and i would plan our lunches out and pack them, she'd have it planned but would discuss endlessly her selections and why she was choosing them and basically it was a lot of hand wringing and carrying on wanting me to accept or approve her lunches.
i also cant stand that this woman constantly is obsessed with the superficial. if she's not talking about her hair, she's talking about her skin regimine and worse yet, is playing show and tell in the hotel room. it's a constant parade between her bag and the bathroom of products she uses on her face and hair and it's an endless discussion of it. like, really, i couldnt care less about what she uses on her face and i wondered if she was trying to sell me what she uses or fucking well convince me that i should follow suit. i never understand people who have to take every item out of their travel bag and then go into a 20 minute discussion on why they packed it. my entire weekend was like that. by the end of saturday, i was sick of her.
and she locked her sights onto another female there that was very fit and very attractive and she just wouldnt shut the fuck up about her all weekend long. it was a constant barrage of comments and negativity and how upset she was that this woman was perceived to be high on herself. all this coming from someone who has full hair and makeup to work out...hypocrite much? really...i started wondering if she was more upset that she wasnt the hottest thing in the room, rather than being upset by someone being narcissistic. honestly, that woman did stand out because i thought she was fit and attractive, but i really didnt feel the need to zero in on her and hack her to shreds. all this going on when it's supposed to be a weekend of positivity and good body images...and there's this insecure psycho beside me who is absolutely one of the most negative people there.
i'd definitely go to phat camp again, but i'd stay as far away from the crazy bitch as i could.
and here i am hooked into going to calgary with her....fuck, why cant i learn to STFU and just say "i'll think about it" when she asks me stuff?? christ.
so friend not friend is back from jamaica and already is barking up my tree to go out. i'm annoyed. every association with this person always ends up in a plethora of beer and me regretting every sip the next day.
i dont know why i have zero will power around this person. and i hate that she nags me into drinking with her. hate it. i have to say that i really enjoyed her being gone for most of january...now she's back and will be relentless until i cave into her demands.
i fucking hate beer pressure.
all class. i loved how gracious she was when she won the silver for moguls...thanking canada, calling it 'canada's medal'. talk about class. i was watching her when they presented her with the flowers at the hill and she actually took off her gloves to shake hands with the delegate. the other two twats just stood there and patted themselves on the back.
i really wanted to tell the bronze winner shannon bahrke to SIT DOWN. honestly. just loud, obnoxious, and everything you loathe about some folks south of the border. yes, you're happy, we get that...but STFU. it looked as if jen was a little intimidated or put off by the nonsense and flag waving going on either side of her.
regardless, she was our first medal and it was an amazing run!
http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-photos/medal-ceremony---day-3--(vancouver-bc)-_278354g208204-o244828-NU.html#photoScrollHref
this was the second year in a row i've attended davina's bday bash. i had a great time this year, just as i did last year.
last year we went to thuy thien for vietnamese and then went glow bowling. D had only 5 of us last year and it was a blast. she is an uber organizer so she had arranged bowling bingo and competitions for us, as well as a candy buffet. let me tell you, the candy buffet was the highlight of the night. the whole night itself was a blast, but the candy?? well, that just iced it.
tonight we met at the garage. there were about 20 of us this time around. some of them i knew, but most i didnt. it was all good. we ate our food and then went bowling again. this time D brought out the candy again and arranged more bowling games. she even had prizes. and the whole time, we all sat there wondering why she is organzing everything when it's her bday bash.
next year we have all vowed to throw her a surprise bday party and she isnt to do any work. i think we need to plan it a couple weeks before her actual birthday so that she wont expect it.
regardless, i had a good time. it's funny, i was explaining to ch the whole thing and how last year worked. at this time last year, i knew d but not really. knew her through mutual friends and we were taking a fitness class together, but i really didnt "know" her the way i do now. i have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her. anyway, i was explaining to ch that she had all this candy last year and it was amazing and said that i was really hoping for candy again this year and she pulled it off. d says that it's her way of giving out candy bags, but it's a buffet instead.
i even won silly putty. kickass! i remember getting silly putty for one of my bdays. elissa, i think you gave it to me. i think you guys came to herronton and you showed me how to imprint a comic onto it and showed me that it bounced AND glowed in the dark. i'm shamed to admit that after you left, my dad rolled it up into a ball, took it into the yard and tried to experiment with its bouncing capeabilities. cousiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, he took the baseball bat to it and it went clear across the yard and street and into the field at the elevator. i was devastated. all my dad did was laugh and say "whoops" or some variation of the word, but mostly i remember the laughing. i didnt share his humor.
so tonight i have my own silly putty after all these years. there's no way anyone's taking a bat to it.
is it just me or have all the olympic ceremonies to date been drawn way out unnecessarily? i managed to catch some of it tonight and jesus christ...some of it was long and painful.
take the anthem...did she really need to draw it out THAT much? like is it "oh.....(pausepausepause)...caaaaaaa-naaaaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"? really? i dont think so. the anthems we sung in elementary school were succinct and to the point. this one took at least 2 full minutes, including the french portion, which i thought was sped-sung in comparison.
then the climax leading up to the lighting of the cauldron (or whatever facsimilie)...we must have watched for 10 minutes as they passed the flame from rick hansen to steve nash to nancy greene to others before they handed it off to gretzky. then from there watching him ride around vancouver to light the final torch was painful as well. we kept thinking he was going to hand it off to some uber canadian celebrity, but no. we were throwing out suggestions as gretzky was driven around downtown: michael j. fox! donald sutherland! pamela anderson! (that one was mostly a joke because we were sure she'd cry out "i'm melting" and her tittays would melt off) mr dressup! the littlest hobo! relic! insert great canadian icon here!
i'm not saying that wayner wasnt worth it. i do love my wayne, but they really could have shortened the whole fucking thing by about 15 minutes and we'd still have had the same end result.
i dont know...i think if the opening ceremonies were any indication, we're in for a long drawn out 17 days.
since when did ordering flowers become such an expensive endeavor? honestly.
initially i intended to order it on line and ended up calling it in to see if it was cheaper because it would have been $72.35 for the fucking bouquet! oh they add on things like a $12.95 delivery charge, even tho the florist is basically a 10 minute drive from the mil's house, and then they tack on a service charge of $6. for what? i'd sure love to know...i'm the one filling out the fucking information on the entire form on line for fuck's sake! it's not like i'm talking to a clerk in the store about this.
they said they'll email us with the charges and invoice...it will be interesting to see if they've tacked on the extra prices. if you ask me, $19 and change is NOT necessary and almost abusive to the consumer. i dont care if it's february 14th or not. that's criminal.
can a person really break up over something as trivial as food and music?
i wonder that.
here at my house we have a very different idea of what is "food". ch loves anything i hate: red meat, pizza, grease. dont get me wrong, i do like those things, but i recognize that they are not good for me, so i stay away from them and eat them sparingly. if it were up to him, he'd eat steaks daily.
his diet consists of beer, fast food, and red meat. sometimes he will even go without eating breakfast or lunch. i cant fathom that. a breakfast is a must in my life. i'd be a very hangry bear if i didnt eat. get out of my way if i havent eaten breakfast or lunch. hell, get out of my way if neither breakkie or lunch is healthy.
ch likes mcdonald's. i loathe the place. i used to like it but there is something so fake and manufactured about everything they sell (including their marketed "healthy" "food") that turns my stomach. mcdonald's food is like injesting a big plate of plastic and equally as unappetizing. everyone loves the fries, but i cant help but smell pigs when i eat them, even tho they havent been cooked in animal fat for years. there is some kind of smell that radiates off them that makes me gag. i question the sanity of my husband when he tells me he's eaten there AND enjoyed it.
and then there's dinner options. he hates eating chicken, pita pizzas and pasta with tomatoes on it. i know that i'm not exactly a buffet here, but i can eat the same thing for weeks on end without complaint. to not eat chicken is unfathomable. i brought up the possibility of cooking pho tonight for dinner, and he looked at me as if i just said "hey, let's eat the dogs' shit tonight". so much for that idea.
is it really up to me to cook two meals if my significant other hates what i make?
same with music...fuck, i hate his music. it's all the old shit from the 60's and 70's. i cant stand that crap. does he know that there have been four decades since the beatles of good hits, too? i'm not picking on the beatles, but there have been good songs since they wrote. of course i'm not a music expert, but i tend to think that new music is ok. listeanble even. we disagree heartily on music selections. road trips are hell for either of us when we plug in our ipods. i roll my eyes and sigh when he wants to play name that tune with his old shit and his body language suggests he'd rather throw my ipod onto the freeway than listen to a lady gaga song.
what do you do when there are so many differences? of course these are minor. yes, there is monogamy and devotion here, and i dont necessarily think that we have to automatically love the same things just because we share a roof, but there are some days where i wonder how i can spend the next 50 years with someone who refuses to eat anything but mcdonald's, hamburger helper, and grease all while chowing it down to the who and bands who are far too old to tour and remember.
while i'm already bitching about my mom, i figured i'd bring up her obsession with ensuring i had no friends in school.
she was always after me about the friends i had in school. always. it didnt seem to matter where i moved to or what i did, she was on me about my choice of friends. in elementary school she was sure that dawn and nannette were born from the devil's loin and i was not to have anything to do with them. they did come from bad homes, but they were nice enough people. i had fun with them, consdering i only had 5 other girls in my grade to choose from, nannette and dawn were the best choices availalbe to me. oh sure there were marnie and janice, but they were as thick as thieves and nobody got in between them. in fact, the only time they'd hang out with you was if the other one was sick. for the majority of kindergarten to grade 8, those two were best of friends and inseparable. of course they loved to make my life hell at times for no good reason because i was just a little quiet nerd. my mom's best advice? "oh just ignore them". yeah, real easy when there are only 8 people in your class, mom. fuck.
once we moved to mazeppa and i went to blackie for grade 9, mom was again after me for my choice of friend. she hated andrea and was sure she was a low life do nothing. most of it came from the fact that my mom would have to drive me into blackie, a whole WHOPPING 10 minutes away from our home, but she would act as if that mere 10 minute trip was 1000 miles. seriously, we'd never hear the end of it and her complaining about having to drive anywhere. if it interfered with her afternoon "stories" and fucking bon bon eating, then we'd hear about it. andrea's mom was unable to drive because of her epilepsy, so it defaulted to us, and as a result i'd never hear the end of it. she berated andrea (of course behind her back) and called her all sorts of names and told me i could do so much better. thank god i never listened to her.
in grade 10 i met a shitload of friends and had more choice, which was so awesome. it was the first time in my life where i could choose my friends and not have friends by default because of a small school. we werent the cool kids but we were cool in our own way and we had a lot of fun. of course my mom got her ass in there once again and decided that my friend louise was a snob only because her foster parents had money. she claimed that lou came over to our house and looked it up and down with a snotty expression like we werent good enough. if that ever was the case, i wouldnt have stayed friends with her. hell, lou would never have been my friend if she was like that. but my mom will insist that lou was like that, even to this day. it's utter horseshit.
and then in grade 11 i had to move away from all these friends i loved. it was so hard to be uprooted from a bigger school with variety and BOYS (!!) and once again be planted into a small school. these people had known each other since they were in the womb, so it was impossible to befriend a lot of them. i managed to make a friend who wouldnt escape my mom's wrath. sally was my best friend and we had a ton of fun in grade 11 and 12, but according to my mom she wasnt good enough for me. see, sally's family had moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and according to my mom's fucked up inner world, people with money are evil. mostly i believe her ideas come from jealousy and nothing else. mom doesnt like being a have not, so anytime someone has something she wants, she will berate that person like the bully she is. so she spent those last 2 yrs of my high school years telling me all about how spoiled sally was and that i'd never have it easy like she did...uh huh....so? who cares if sally got shit handed to her? i was more than intelligent to know that just because she did, didnt mean that i'd come home and expect a brand new car.
where was the credit in growing up? we had none. if something happened, we were on the shit list immediately and she never gave us the benefit of the doubt. we were always in shit and then when she found out that we didnt do it, she would never say sorry, but would say "well, if i ever catch you doing that, you'll be dead meat" or something to that effect. it would always be a childhood of threats and lies and manipulation.
i think my mom would have been happiest if i was friendless and relied on her for my every need. i remember telling her i was moving to calgary in 1994 after university and it was an entire summer of bickering and fighting just because of that. i think she knew that her reign of control and terror was over, but she didnt want to go easily. i think that summer really showed me how much my mom struggled to control me and my life and how i knew i didnt want it.
i dont think my relationship with my mom has ever been good since that year. since then i've learned that she lies and manipulates to get what she wants, hardly attractive traits. i have learned to take most of what she says with a grain of salt because most of it is either exaggerated beyond measure or is a blatant lie.
no wonder i have trust issues. at least i got out. i couldnt imagine what my life would be like if i had done exactly as she wanted or where i'd be. i shudder to think about it.
i just counted...
there were TWENTY TWO commas in that email message from my mother!!! TWENTY FUCKING TWO.
i swear i'm going to drive to lethbridge and rip that fucking comma button right off her keyboard. for someone who loves to criticise everyone else and their dog over spelling and punctuation and grammar, she sure is a hypocrite.
twentytwocommas. jesusfuckingchrist.
my friend's visit this weekend has sparked some controversy on the home front in regards to my mother.
my mom has been friends with my friend's mom since we were toddlers. i dont know how they met, but they were friends way back in the 70's. we used to hang out with the arnolds quite a bit when we lived in tudor and i remember being babysat by them in 1978 when my parents went to las vegas. i still can recall a bell bottomed and big haired picture of my parents and my aunt and uncle as they stood in front of circus circus. i imagine back then circus circus was THE place to go. nowadays it isnt, but that's vegas.
my parents kept in touch with the arnolds over the years. exchanged xmas cards, sometimes went and visited, and generally kept tabs on each other over the years. in the last couple of years tho, the contact has stopped on my mom's part. i think lynda still continues to send xmas letters, but my mom has cut her out completely.
i mentioned that i was going to be seeing jen this weekend and received this email from my mom (please ignore the rash of commas...it's a copy and paste job):
Hi T
I meant to mention, T, that if Jen B mentions / asks after, us, just say we're fine , and leave it at that, please. I haven't bothered with Xmas cards to Lynda and Ken the past couple of xmas's but she still continues to send them, full of bragging about how well the older ones are doing (never word of Grant, nor of Jen, but lots of gushing over Kathy and Barb) and always adds in the closing that they must make plans to come to Lethbridge for a weekend to see us, sometime soon. I think Ken is a nice man, but I do get tired of Lynda's constant bragging about the girls; and then she will go on about the Lauridsen's (they have been friendly with them for decades, am sure) and starts in all about their kids and grandkids, etc, that I wouldn't kow from Adam, as the saying goes, and and don't care a hoot about. Since it seems we have nothing in common any more, and I'd be just as happy letting that aquaintance-ship (hardly call it friendship) dwindle away. So, unless Jen persists (which is unlikely), we're "fine",end of subject. thanks, T!
love
Mom
i dont understand my mom. i mean, the woman has no friends and here are some old friends who want to see her and keep in touch with her, but she has somehow deemed them unfit to associate with. lynda and ken have done nothing to her, other than keep in touch with her. isnt it a parent's job to talk about their children? to talk about their grandkids?
i havent figured out if my mom is jealous that her 4 kids have all been successful professionals or not. afterall, lynda and ken's 3 daughters have done well: lawyer, doctor, and teacher, and their son is an engineer. i know that i have always been amazed by their successes and happy for them. if you ask me, it IS something to be proud of.
my mom has always been a competitive person. she always wants to be the centre of attention at any gathering or occasion, even if it is just her and i. she always has to dominate every conversation with her useless idle neighbourhood gossip and stories of things which are usually repeats of stories told years ago. if you dare to say you've heard it before, she will pout and sulk. sometimes it's best to just nod gamely and try to recall an event in your head that brought you pleasure so you can tune her out. i have often employed that method and she is none the wiser. thankfully there are no quizzes at the end of the conversation, otherwise my plan would be foiled.
i wonder if she feels inadequate because my sister and i pale in comparison to the arnold 4 on the success ladder? i cant figure out why there is hostility. and quite frankly, my mom herself will talk endlessly about people nobody knows or cares about and god forbid you reveal you dont care, so why does she feel so pissy about the arnolds wanting to keep in touch with her? and i dont understand her wanting me to comply with her ass backward thoughts either.
it's not like i'm going to make my parents the subject of any conversation. they really arent a blip on my radar in my day to day activities, so most certainly they dont rank as a viable conversation piece with a friend i havent seen in years. honestly, i dont get the drama over the whole thing. what is mom worried about? that i'll reveal her dirty secrets? that i will tell them that she likely had an affair and contracted an STD? that her days are spent gossiping and likely fucking someone else? what does she really think is going to be discussed saturday??
all this confirms my previous stance on my parents: the less they know about me and my life, the better it is.
i just ordered a couple of books on line, but only BEFORE i found that i could use my airmiles to get free books. goddammit.
the books i ordered were "the boy in the moon" which is about a father's life with a severely disabled son. i heard reviews of it on cbc and was immediately interested.
the second book i ordered was the book from the movie "julie and julia". i cant remember the name (gee, what good am i?), but it was about the person who decided to cook all 524 recipes from julia child's first cookbook and blog about it. she subsequently got a book and movie deal out of it. she has since written a second book called "cleaving" about her love affair with butchery and her love affair out of her marriage. i wanted to order that, but figured "woah nellie".
ultimately i want to find some beach reads for maui. i was looking in a book store and going through the nelson demille section and found some books i'd really like. i stumbled across him when i was working for newswest and selling books and picked up his book called "plum island" featuring a smartass retired detective as the main character. demille has written several books featuring this character and i'd like to purchase them at a used bookstore and bring them to hawaii.
i'm still trying to read the classics, but they are not beach reads by any stretch of the imagination. i started reading "a tale of two cities" and have been struggling with it. like, OH MY GOD, i read that shit in university? why?!?! it's a struggle to pay attention. then i sit back and wonder why the fuck i agreed to punish myself by reading that shit. sorta along the same lines as "why the fuck am i up at 5:30 3 days a week to go to a 6am class i HATE?"
yeah. kinda like that.
what was your first word? according to my baby book it was "DADA". who knew.
there were kids in school who used to talk about their baby brothers and their first words being "bullshit" or some variation of the word. really? what kind of household does someone grow up in where the first word they utter, a word you presume you hear a ton of, is bullshit?
i call bullshit on that one. that's my first word on that.
i want to make pho today. i have a shitload of rouladen beef in the freezer that should be used up and i'm craving pho.
i've found some recipes on the net that call for wild and funky shit like star anise pods. wtf are those? even cinnamon sticks...really? in pho?
i think i'm going to try this out and see what happens. i already kinda know that ch wont like it. guaranteed. c'est la vie.
i am still reading the bible nightly. if i know i'm going to be away from home i'll read ahead. i dont mind it because it's written in plain english so it eliminates the oddly phrased words and "begats". the bible is divided up into an old testament reading, then a new, a psalm and then a proverb each day. it takes about 5-10 minutes to get through each reading and it's been kind of interesting so far.
but what kills me about it is how mysogynistic the bible is, especially in the proverbs. there is a lot of yammering about laying down with the adultress and how she will take your life from you. it's really kind of extreme and doesnt address at all the man's doing in anything. reading that kind of stuff gets me angry and i dont enjoy reading it. it's the root of mysogyny if you ask me.
same deal with the old testament...there is a lot of hatred toward women and a lot of implications that women are either stupid or are sluts or are both. not a single woman is lauded as a heroine (so far) and most of them are considered evil in the lord's eyes. i dont get that at all. i'm sure there were plenty of good god fearing women in those times who followed the word and instructions more than some of the men out there.
at times it is a real chore to read through those parts of the bible. and god at times comes off like a real asshole. same with jesus. in parts of matthew he is always quizzing and testing the pharisees and it seems that it doesnt matter what answers they give, they're wrong and selfish and doomed to go to the place of gnashing teeth and darkness. there are a lot of parables in matthew that give me the impression that we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.
i am not sure what i was hoping to achieve by reading the bible day by day. enlightenment? understanding? perhaps on both counts. right now though, i'm kind of feeling as if it's a colossal waste of time. i'm going to perservere and hope that there will be better passages and stories which are more interesting.
the accounting lady made an appointment to meet with me in less than 2 weeks. she has gone over the stuff deemed an 'easy and quick fix' and still is out the 136 dollars and change and figures it's just missing from the january bank reconcilliation. so she's coming here to fix that and to clean up my a/r and a/p.
once again, i heard the lingo of a quick visit...i already know the set up to this...she's going to get here, deem that it's an easy fix, and we will still be scratching our fucking heads about it 3 hours later. guaranteed.
like i've said before, NOTHING in accounting is ever a quick or easy fix. ever.
when i think about tinsel, i will always think about my friend curt. havent seen him since the summer of 1994. he always made me laugh at university with his songs and stories. he always had everyone around him in tears.
i have no idea where he is but i do miss the guy. hopefully jen will have stories. last i heard he was teaching somewhere and had a wife and kids. i often think about him and wonder how his life is and if he's still as funny as ever.
i miss hoagie.
this weekend i'm meeting up with an old friend. we have known each other since we were three, which is pretty cool. we went to school separately, but attended university together under the same discipline.
from the get go, jen was quite ambitious and always knew what she wanted. i think she was quite goal oriented and this was exaserbated once she got engaged in second year. it was like that engagement sparked a whole lifetime of planning. it was graduate, get married, go back to university, teach, and live all within 10 minutes of her family farm. to have full knowledge of that at age 19 was astounding.
that's not to say that i looked at her with envy. i most certainly didnt. i liked jen, but grew tired of endless nights of pondering through bridal magazines and discussions about hoping i'd find my prince someday. meanwhile i was fumbling my way through u of l's biggest princes*. i had no clue what i wanted to do, other than make it through another semester unscathed and pass. that's all that mattered to me.
so while the rest of us were getting drunk, kissing frogs, and falling down, jen spent her weekends driving back home to see her betrothed. i think i looked at her with pity during my four years because she missed out on a lot of fun. according to her, she had all her fun in grade 11 and was done with that once she met brent. fine and dandy, but it wasnt for me. i was finally out from under my mom's thumb and i was going to spend my last $5 at the zoo drinking pitchers of big rock, thanks.
jen did graduate with me and moved back home and married 2 months later. she's been married nearly 16 years now and has two kids, both of which were planned with almost precise measurements. i am certain the only thing they didnt have under control was the time the kids were born...the rest of it was planned right down to the minute, i'm sure.
so while i spent my 20's fumbling through geeks and finding myself, jen was a mom with a husband. she probably did grow up before leaving high school while the rest of us took our sweet time. i dont think i really have ever settled down. i'm ok with that.
so we will meet up this weekend. i'm sure that all the stories exchanged will revolve around husbands and kids and where the time went since we last saw each other. i'm pretty secure with the knowledge that things havent changed. we may be heavier, have more wrinkles and baggage, but some people dont change and sometimes i find comfort in that.
*sarcasm
this cold is kicking my ass. yeah, i probably shouldnt have gone out friday or saturday night, nor should i have watched the superbowl in a public place on sunday.
today i'm suffering and tired and fucked up. my voice is wonky and my head feels dizzy, like i've just taken a hit off a sweet bong, except there's no laughing.
saturday night i attended a charity auction. didnt buy anything but had fun. of course i sunk $30 into the 50/50 draw and came up with a big fat zero. so much for hoping to pay mastercard or eat this month.
the sil came along with us, naturally. we all sat together and had a relatively good time. she is going to costa rica with her skool in march, which is pretty awesome. for someone who does shit all other than go annually to disneyland with her mother, i think costa rica is pretty impressive. and bold. this girl never takes any chances, so i was sincerely blown away. of course her skool is paying for her to go. naturally...because why wouldnt they? seriously. (i know she wouldnt go otherwise...)
after the auction was over, we all parted ways. we went up to see our friend ross at his pub and the sil was going to meet some friends at another pub. she was texting someone all night long and was quite cryptic about who it was she was going to meet. at one point she was trying to convince us to go along with her to the other pub, but we were set on seeing ross and went there instead. i asked her if she was meeting coworkers and got a very cold answer of "yes"...i suspected there was more to that story.
ch even commented on her silence yesterday and was all smiles, thinking that she was meeting a boy there. hey, if that's true, good on her. what i dont get is the silence about it all, the cryptic behaviour. no, i dont expect full disclosure and details, but i dont understand why she has to be so cryptic and secretive about potential dates.
i got thinking about that and came to a very good conclusion....
the sil is a very insecure person. yes, she is accomplished and presumably good at her job (even tho i have my doubts). i mean, she wouldnt be there if she sucked, right? of course i think she knows how to kiss ass and shine when the right people are watching, but that is a post for another day. this girl doesnt like to take many chances, but most importantly doesnt want to be seen as a failure. you never hear too much about her not succeeding at something or not knowing anything. so i got to thinking that she probably is dating someone, or intending to date someone, but it's at the stage where it's not quite certain if there will be any future or continued contact....so expanding more on what i do know of her, she probably doesnt even want to admit she's dating anyone because of the fear of failure and having to explain to everyone that she failed (again) at a relationship.
it's been long speculated that she is either homosexual or asexual. in the 12 years i've known her, i know that she dated someone for less than 6 months. i only know because she introduced him to us. the rest of the time since then has been a void of male suitors. i'm sure there have been some, but obviously the relationship didnt make it out of its infancy.
in this case i think she is really afraid to be seen as a failure in the family. i'm sure she is already insecure as it is about being perpetually single and with the added external comments and pressure from her mother, i bet it is magnified to almost horrific proportions. at this stage in the game, i'm sure she doesnt want to get ahead of herself to then have to answer to where this person went when everyone starts asking. i surmise that she has had a string of broken relationships. she's not an unattractive person, but i think that once the real personality shines through and the apron strings are revealed, guys lose interest.
who can blame her for being cautious? i cant, but at the same time, i fail to understand how this is more protected than the kennedy assassination.
i am still continuing to ram pills down the cat's throat. i dont see any marked improvement in her health. she's still drooling and looking down. i still have another week worth of pills to give her. all it's really done is made her angry with me. i can see a glimmer of her old attitude surfacing...the attitude (or should i say CATtitude?), the haughty behaviour, and the indifference to my presence. i have a feeling that it's all coming from the feeling of resentment of me struggling with her to give her these pills. i've been scratched and bitten, drooled over, and given the cold shoulder. all in the name of love, i guess.
saturday afternoon i found a tapeworm in the house. GREAT. the dog was on the couch and i saw it wriggling there....so it came from her. jesus christ, when it rains it pours. today i phoned the vet and got 2 treatments for the dogs. thankfully i didnt have to bring them in, which would have been a $50 office visit in addition to the $34 and change for the medication. they had a playdate on saturday and i expressed concern over him getting their worms and the vet tech said i didnt have to worry about him contracting worms...if he did, i'd have to pay for that too.
fortunately pills are much easier to administer to dogs than cats. it's easy: make a peanut butter sandwich, insert the pills, and the dogs are none the wiser. great technique.
i just wish it was that easy with cats.
ch is quite fed up with the kinsmen. for the last 2 or three weeks he has talked endlessly about quitting. he is currently serving his term as prez till the end of june, and he is so tired of the do-nothing attitudes that some of the members have, and is so sick of it that he is wanting to walk away from the club and do something else entirely.
i'm shocked because he has always loved working with the kinsmen and has made it a big part of his life. there were times when projects he was running took over our lives and livingrooms. i've even helped him out in certain tasks, but reluctantly, seeing as it's me dedicating my time so that some of the other non-doers can continue to do nothing. i feel as if i dont owe any of them anything.
and yeah, i've had fun doing some of that stuff, but really i'm not a member of the club. i can see ch's frustration with it and i cant blame him for wanting to leave. last night i tried convincing him that if he quits without saying his peace, he's giving the do-nothings exactly what they want. i told ch to think of who loses if he quits...the answer being the community. no, ch doesnt single handedly run projects and he isnt solely responsible for the successes or failures, but if more guys who want to do things leave because of lazy members, then who will be left to benefit the community? see? the community loses when guys who are doers leave. and i told ch last night that the lazy ones shouldnt benefit by him leaving...he should force those guys out and think of the bigger picture...our city.
just before i went to bed, ch was so worked up and determined to quit in june...he figures he will invest his time somewhere else instead. it's sad that he has to quit in order to be happy.
less than a month till maui.
i still feel as if there isnt enough time, and yet i think it cant come fast enough. i'm very tired of this winter and just need to see a beach or hear the ocean. it's like a drug and i need more!
of course that means that i'll have to be nice during the 4 days we're in maui and put up with that white trash cocksucker and his endless comments about my bootcamp, or asking for free meals from everyone around him (oh of course always said in jest, but there is absolute desire lurking underneath), or his jealous bullshit that he will put his girlfriend through, and by proxy, me because i wont get away from any of it. oh i just cant wait.
i think ch has been on board enough to not disclose our plans for oahu afterward. i think they know we are going, but that is where it ends. hopefully.
i hope to attend meetings and take a bike tour. they have amazing ones where you get shuttled to the top of a volcano at 5am, watch the sunrise, and then ride down the mountain. i am already in my zen place sitting up there over top of the clouds and watching the sun come up. i already envision myself there and see it being so relaxing, so cold, yet so beautiful. it's my go-to happy place right now, and has even pushed the beach and waves to #2.
we went to rossco's to watch the superbowl yesterday. it was on sattelite, so presumably we'd get the commercials.
not so.
we missed all the good commercials and were stuck with lameass olympic commercials which were played at EVERY break, time out, fart in the game. it was that ridiculous trumpet going on and on while showcasing our athletes.
i'm not kidding, every.single.fucking.commercial. trumpet, trumpet, TRUMPET.
and i found out that the olympics are 17 days long...
more fucking trumpets.
god give me strength.
i've been watching the torch relay on and off for the last 1/2 hr.
it's amazing to see the spirit of every runner, how they enthusiastically grip the torch, pass the flame on, wave to the crowd, and run triumphantly on. i think their run is only a few hundred meters, but there is immense pride as they carry that torch for their 4 minutes of glory. each time it's passed on, torchbearers high five, hug, dance, give kisses in celebration. horns toot, the crowd cheers, occasionally you can hear "o canada" being sung.
it's amazing this olympic spirit...
bring on the games!
so the cat is ok. thank god.
right now the only problem with the cat is the attitude i get from her when i have to give her pill twice a day. i have to hold her down and wrestle her mouth open and insert pill with minimal drama. the first time i attempted it, the cat spat the pill out three different times before i was finally able to get it down her yaw. now, 4 or 5 pills in, i am able to get it in with minimum effort. of course the cat still runs away completely miffed that i've dared to open her mouth and violate her. oh the guilt that pours forth when this happens!! i let her go off to sulk and after about 1/2 hr she's better and i'm forgiven.
so right now she's on my lap as i awkwardly type. occasionally i'll get a claw to the inner thigh as she readjusts her position on my lap. the sid of old would never have condescended to sit on my lap for any length of time, so i still find this personality flip quite peculiar, but at the same time i'm not going to curse it by complaining.
i feel like i have been given back time, so i'm doing my best to enjoy both cats and take pictures and give hugs and kisses, even when it's met with disdain.
you never know how much time you have left.
so for now i'll endure the occasional claw to the thigh, the drool that drops as they purr, and the scorn of a turned back. i have my cats. i'm happy.
great experience, lots of hard work, but ultimately worth it.
motivating.
a lot of behind the scenes drama that i'm reluctantly focussed on and trying to eliminate. i just dont understand other women at times. i mean, we are at a conference/mass workout trying to improve self esteem and confidence and then you have other women commenting negatively on the women in attendance. my roommate constantly commented about one member who was in great shape and very attractive. for my roommate, it was a source of irritation and upset and i can not count the number of times she commented negatively on this person and it was so bad that she became obsessed with commenting on her appearance and actions while she was in her group, and telling me all about it. i got so tired of listening to it so by day three, i told her to STFU.
i think my roommate is a very envious person and is made jealous easily. i have to admit that jealousy isnt really in my vocabulary. sure, i can envy people, but when i really stop and think about it, i am in control of my own situation and would i really trade everything i had for someone else's life? the good and the bad about them? no! i'll take my baggage, thanks...warts and all.
i tried expressing that to my roommate and i think it fell on deaf ears. so did my pleas for her to shut up about this woman. if all you get out of a weekend is negative shit, then the problem is you, not the program.
i enjoyed phat camp. i would go again...but would stay alone in my own room.
(more on that later)
for the last month or so my white cat sid has been going downhill. she was ordinarily chunky and big and was a typical cat: she wanted nothing to do with me until it was time to be fed. about a month ago, she started following me around the house, sitting on me whenever i'd hit the couch, and even following me up to bed. i have to admit i have been flattered by that attention because in all the years i've owned her (14), she's never even pretended to be interested in me.
i noticed the cat getting skinnier over the past month as well. at first it started with her backbone, as it went from being "flat" to now ridged with skeleton. she's lighter as well. i'd say she's probably dropped 5lbs in a month. definitely something is wrong.
monday i was petting her and noticed that she started drooling on her right side and when i investigated further, i noticed that her right lymph node under her chin is swollen. definitely not good.
i spent all of yesterday crying and trying to hide it from ch and the general public. i fear the worst. and what is the saddest about all of it is that i never expected her to be the sick one. tasha has been thin and is older than sid, so i just expected that she would be the first one to go. i think that's what makes this all very difficult.
today i finally stopped crying long enough to make a vet appointment. she goes in at 11:30 and i hope they do some bloodwork. i dont want to be around for that, i just want to explain the symptoms and let them do what they have to. right now i fear she has feline diabetes, and altho it's treatable with daily injections and testing, i'm not sure that's something i want to live with.
i am a pessimist at heart so i believe the cat will not come home with me today. i think they're going to phone me later with the test results and confirm my suspicions that the cat is very sick and will either need a battery of tests and surgeries or has to be put to sleep. i'm trying to tell myself that it's ok to make that decision, that it's more humane, but it is very hard to let go of human emotions in terms of making decisions that ultimately do not affect my well being.
i just have to be strong, but it's damned hard. it's a case of trying to be an adult and do something i've dreaded for years. knowing this decision is here is so damned difficult and hard to choke back. i'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this is something that can be fixed with a shot or a pill. i'm reluctantly accepting the inevitable.
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