endings

here's how it went down.  i'm not even sure i want to write this or share it but maybe it's therapy.

so i had kind of figured out that the cat wasnt doing too well.  thursday i was watching her try to drink water at the dish and it broke my heart.  i had brought out a spoon to see if she would drink from it and altho she took a few licks, it wouldnt be enough.  the thirst was there, but the ability wasnt.  it was hard to witness.  thursday night i figured i'd try to book a dental earlier for her at another vet office, thinking that if i could get her in earlier that i'd have a chance of saving her. 

when i woke friday and looked at her, i knew i really couldnt.  there was hope there, but so much had changed with the cat that she really wasnt herself.  she no longer laid in the sunbeam in the mornings, she didnt scratch the stairs with vigor, she just laid there.  she was either laying beside the couch and plant, or on the kitchen chair, or at her water dish looking in as if she was narcissus himself.  it wasnt sid behaviour.  i told ch that i thought i'd have to make that decision and that i was so uncertain of whether she could be saved and he said that we should get a second opinion of it and get someone honest to figure out whether it would be worth it to put her through a dental.

i called a vet's office and explained the situation and they were immediately concerned and fit me in, so i drove off with her.  she sat on my lap and meowed quietly the whole way, but stayed stationary and looked out the window.  she was happy enough to sit there and be held.  we got to the vet and i discovered that it was my long lost vet that i had a previous pet relationship with and i was immediately relieved.  not only is he hot as hell, he had been so helpful with our dogs the last few times we had them in there.  i liked his calm manner and kindness...always an asset.  and compared to the stephane dion lookalike that i had on feb 3, this guy easily batted it out of the park.

i was feeling much better talking to dr gupta.  he looked at sid and listened to me describe her symptoms.  then he checked her fur and said that it wasnt nearly as elastic.  when cats are dehydrated, their skin will tent when pulled, as opposed to bounce right back.  sid's tented and stayed up.  he said that she was severely dehydrated and would need fluids for a few days via iv if she was to have surgery.  he felt the lump that was on the right side of her neck and wasnt too sure what it was but thought it could be some kind of hypothyroidism or else a tumor of some sort.  then he looked in her mouth and uttered the words every pet owner dreads: OH.

it's one syllable you dont want to hear when your pet's future hangs in the balance.

so then he said he thought i should look at it and went to get his assistant.  he got his kind assistant in and she held sid while samir opened her mouth and showed me the big lump at the back of her throat on the right side.  it was where our wisdom teeth would be and it was big and puffy and red and in places it looked as if parts of the skin were rubbed raw.  and then he pointed at her tongue which was pushed to the left side because of the tumor and told me that wasnt right.  he mentioned that the tumor there would make it incredibly difficult for her to swallow and would explain the light eating and drinking.

he said that it would take days before she was hydrated enough to undergo surgery and then he could possibly remove the tumor in her mouth, but he wasnt sure about the one on her neck.  i started crying, the floodgates wouldnt stop and said that i thought i should euthanise her.  then, always asking for reassurance, i asked him if that was the best course of action.  he told me that i could sink thousands into surgeries with unknown results which wouldnt necessarily guarantee the survival of my siddy.  his honesty made my decision much easier to make.

i was adamant that i couldnt stay for her end.  i just couldnt.  i'd be tempted to yell out NO, DONT in the middle of it and i couldnt, knowing that her comfort was more important than my human emotions and inability to let go.  so they brought in the papers and i said i wanted her ashes and wanted an urn.  they then brought in the samples while i held my cat.  i chose her final resting place and they left us together for a few moments to say our goodbyes.

it wasnt easy.  i cried.  i thanked her for being so good and apologised.  see, i felt and still feel as if i let her down, even tho i know that there wouldnt be anything that could have prevented what happened to her, but i felt as if i had to say that i was sorry for leaving her.  initially she was on the table on a towel and wouldnt stay there but when i moved that towel to my lap, she laid there and purred and stayed.  it was in those few quiet moments i wondered if she knew her end. 

the knock finally came and they asked if i was ready to let her go and i handed her over, scratched her on the head and said, "bye lil weepy".

i paid my bill and left.  i couldnt see in the parking lot for the tears.  couldnt get the damned jeep to move in 2 wheel drive.  finally got it moving and drove home like a tear stained zombie.  i got here and washed all her things, the towels she'd slept on, the cat blankies, my coat where she had drooled and like a drone, i rearranged the furniture in the livingroom and took a shower.  i just couldnt bear to wear the same clothes and to have the couch sit where it sat and always be looking for her.

it was a hard day.  and as i sit here i look at the three furry faces all in various stages of sleep and i know i'm going to have to do this again.  three very difficult days, combined with perhaps weeks of agonizing.  it's the endings that always make you wonder why you began, but when you think about the years of happiness, companionship, and love you are given, you would probably do it all again in a heartbeat.

i'm going to miss you my little siddy weep, my weepy chee, my littlest kitten.