while i'm already bitching about my mom, i figured i'd bring up her obsession with ensuring i had no friends in school.
she was always after me about the friends i had in school. always. it didnt seem to matter where i moved to or what i did, she was on me about my choice of friends. in elementary school she was sure that dawn and nannette were born from the devil's loin and i was not to have anything to do with them. they did come from bad homes, but they were nice enough people. i had fun with them, consdering i only had 5 other girls in my grade to choose from, nannette and dawn were the best choices availalbe to me. oh sure there were marnie and janice, but they were as thick as thieves and nobody got in between them. in fact, the only time they'd hang out with you was if the other one was sick. for the majority of kindergarten to grade 8, those two were best of friends and inseparable. of course they loved to make my life hell at times for no good reason because i was just a little quiet nerd. my mom's best advice? "oh just ignore them". yeah, real easy when there are only 8 people in your class, mom. fuck.
once we moved to mazeppa and i went to blackie for grade 9, mom was again after me for my choice of friend. she hated andrea and was sure she was a low life do nothing. most of it came from the fact that my mom would have to drive me into blackie, a whole WHOPPING 10 minutes away from our home, but she would act as if that mere 10 minute trip was 1000 miles. seriously, we'd never hear the end of it and her complaining about having to drive anywhere. if it interfered with her afternoon "stories" and fucking bon bon eating, then we'd hear about it. andrea's mom was unable to drive because of her epilepsy, so it defaulted to us, and as a result i'd never hear the end of it. she berated andrea (of course behind her back) and called her all sorts of names and told me i could do so much better. thank god i never listened to her.
in grade 10 i met a shitload of friends and had more choice, which was so awesome. it was the first time in my life where i could choose my friends and not have friends by default because of a small school. we werent the cool kids but we were cool in our own way and we had a lot of fun. of course my mom got her ass in there once again and decided that my friend louise was a snob only because her foster parents had money. she claimed that lou came over to our house and looked it up and down with a snotty expression like we werent good enough. if that ever was the case, i wouldnt have stayed friends with her. hell, lou would never have been my friend if she was like that. but my mom will insist that lou was like that, even to this day. it's utter horseshit.
and then in grade 11 i had to move away from all these friends i loved. it was so hard to be uprooted from a bigger school with variety and BOYS (!!) and once again be planted into a small school. these people had known each other since they were in the womb, so it was impossible to befriend a lot of them. i managed to make a friend who wouldnt escape my mom's wrath. sally was my best friend and we had a ton of fun in grade 11 and 12, but according to my mom she wasnt good enough for me. see, sally's family had moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and according to my mom's fucked up inner world, people with money are evil. mostly i believe her ideas come from jealousy and nothing else. mom doesnt like being a have not, so anytime someone has something she wants, she will berate that person like the bully she is. so she spent those last 2 yrs of my high school years telling me all about how spoiled sally was and that i'd never have it easy like she did...uh huh....so? who cares if sally got shit handed to her? i was more than intelligent to know that just because she did, didnt mean that i'd come home and expect a brand new car.
where was the credit in growing up? we had none. if something happened, we were on the shit list immediately and she never gave us the benefit of the doubt. we were always in shit and then when she found out that we didnt do it, she would never say sorry, but would say "well, if i ever catch you doing that, you'll be dead meat" or something to that effect. it would always be a childhood of threats and lies and manipulation.
i think my mom would have been happiest if i was friendless and relied on her for my every need. i remember telling her i was moving to calgary in 1994 after university and it was an entire summer of bickering and fighting just because of that. i think she knew that her reign of control and terror was over, but she didnt want to go easily. i think that summer really showed me how much my mom struggled to control me and my life and how i knew i didnt want it.
i dont think my relationship with my mom has ever been good since that year. since then i've learned that she lies and manipulates to get what she wants, hardly attractive traits. i have learned to take most of what she says with a grain of salt because most of it is either exaggerated beyond measure or is a blatant lie.
no wonder i have trust issues. at least i got out. i couldnt imagine what my life would be like if i had done exactly as she wanted or where i'd be. i shudder to think about it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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while i'm already bitching about my mom, i figured i'd bring up her obsession with ensuring i had no friends in school.
she was always after me about the friends i had in school. always. it didnt seem to matter where i moved to or what i did, she was on me about my choice of friends. in elementary school she was sure that dawn and nannette were born from the devil's loin and i was not to have anything to do with them. they did come from bad homes, but they were nice enough people. i had fun with them, consdering i only had 5 other girls in my grade to choose from, nannette and dawn were the best choices availalbe to me. oh sure there were marnie and janice, but they were as thick as thieves and nobody got in between them. in fact, the only time they'd hang out with you was if the other one was sick. for the majority of kindergarten to grade 8, those two were best of friends and inseparable. of course they loved to make my life hell at times for no good reason because i was just a little quiet nerd. my mom's best advice? "oh just ignore them". yeah, real easy when there are only 8 people in your class, mom. fuck.
once we moved to mazeppa and i went to blackie for grade 9, mom was again after me for my choice of friend. she hated andrea and was sure she was a low life do nothing. most of it came from the fact that my mom would have to drive me into blackie, a whole WHOPPING 10 minutes away from our home, but she would act as if that mere 10 minute trip was 1000 miles. seriously, we'd never hear the end of it and her complaining about having to drive anywhere. if it interfered with her afternoon "stories" and fucking bon bon eating, then we'd hear about it. andrea's mom was unable to drive because of her epilepsy, so it defaulted to us, and as a result i'd never hear the end of it. she berated andrea (of course behind her back) and called her all sorts of names and told me i could do so much better. thank god i never listened to her.
in grade 10 i met a shitload of friends and had more choice, which was so awesome. it was the first time in my life where i could choose my friends and not have friends by default because of a small school. we werent the cool kids but we were cool in our own way and we had a lot of fun. of course my mom got her ass in there once again and decided that my friend louise was a snob only because her foster parents had money. she claimed that lou came over to our house and looked it up and down with a snotty expression like we werent good enough. if that ever was the case, i wouldnt have stayed friends with her. hell, lou would never have been my friend if she was like that. but my mom will insist that lou was like that, even to this day. it's utter horseshit.
and then in grade 11 i had to move away from all these friends i loved. it was so hard to be uprooted from a bigger school with variety and BOYS (!!) and once again be planted into a small school. these people had known each other since they were in the womb, so it was impossible to befriend a lot of them. i managed to make a friend who wouldnt escape my mom's wrath. sally was my best friend and we had a ton of fun in grade 11 and 12, but according to my mom she wasnt good enough for me. see, sally's family had moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and according to my mom's fucked up inner world, people with money are evil. mostly i believe her ideas come from jealousy and nothing else. mom doesnt like being a have not, so anytime someone has something she wants, she will berate that person like the bully she is. so she spent those last 2 yrs of my high school years telling me all about how spoiled sally was and that i'd never have it easy like she did...uh huh....so? who cares if sally got shit handed to her? i was more than intelligent to know that just because she did, didnt mean that i'd come home and expect a brand new car.
where was the credit in growing up? we had none. if something happened, we were on the shit list immediately and she never gave us the benefit of the doubt. we were always in shit and then when she found out that we didnt do it, she would never say sorry, but would say "well, if i ever catch you doing that, you'll be dead meat" or something to that effect. it would always be a childhood of threats and lies and manipulation.
i think my mom would have been happiest if i was friendless and relied on her for my every need. i remember telling her i was moving to calgary in 1994 after university and it was an entire summer of bickering and fighting just because of that. i think she knew that her reign of control and terror was over, but she didnt want to go easily. i think that summer really showed me how much my mom struggled to control me and my life and how i knew i didnt want it.
i dont think my relationship with my mom has ever been good since that year. since then i've learned that she lies and manipulates to get what she wants, hardly attractive traits. i have learned to take most of what she says with a grain of salt because most of it is either exaggerated beyond measure or is a blatant lie.
no wonder i have trust issues. at least i got out. i couldnt imagine what my life would be like if i had done exactly as she wanted or where i'd be. i shudder to think about it.
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