sadness

for the last month or so my white cat sid has been going downhill.  she was ordinarily chunky and big and was a typical cat: she wanted nothing to do with me until it was time to be fed.   about a month ago, she started following me around the house, sitting on me whenever i'd hit the couch, and even following me up to bed.  i have to admit i have been flattered by that attention because in all the years i've owned her (14), she's never even pretended to be interested in me.

i noticed the cat getting skinnier over the past month as well.  at first it started with her backbone, as it went from being "flat" to now ridged with skeleton.  she's lighter as well.  i'd say she's probably dropped 5lbs in a month.  definitely something is wrong.

monday i was petting her and noticed that she started drooling on her right side and when i investigated further, i noticed that her right lymph node under her chin is swollen.  definitely not good.

i spent all of yesterday crying and trying to hide it from ch and the general public.  i fear the worst.  and what is the saddest about all of it is that i never expected her to be the sick one.  tasha has been thin and is older than sid, so i just expected that she would be the first one to go.  i think that's what makes this all very difficult.

today i finally stopped crying long enough to make a vet appointment.  she goes in at 11:30 and i hope they do some bloodwork.  i dont want to be around for that, i just want to explain the symptoms and let them do what they have to.  right now i fear she has feline diabetes, and altho it's treatable with daily injections and testing, i'm not sure that's something i want to live with. 

i am a pessimist at heart so i believe the cat will not come home with me today.  i think they're going to phone me later with the test results and confirm my suspicions that the cat is very sick and will either need a battery of tests and surgeries or has to be put to sleep.  i'm trying to tell myself that it's ok to make that decision, that it's more humane, but it is very hard to let go of human emotions in terms of making decisions that ultimately do not affect my well being.

i just have to be strong, but it's damned hard.  it's a case of trying to be an adult and do something i've dreaded for years.  knowing this decision is here is so damned difficult and hard to choke back.  i'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this is something that can be fixed with a shot or a pill.  i'm reluctantly accepting the inevitable.