rude

how on earth does one "forget to thank" someone?

that was the sil's comment the other day; she "forgot" to thank me for the flowers. 

how in this day and age with texting and bb messaging and email can someone forget to say "thank you"? 

fucking rude cunt.

what's worse is that i'm just expected to let it go and not say anything to ch about it.  oh sure, i could, but he'd be there at the ready to provide excuse after excuse for her rude behaviour.  and that's the thing that is really pissing me off: that he sits back and either excuses it or stays silent. 

what do i want from him?  yeah, i want him to fucking acknowledge that his sister is a rude bitch.  i want him to SAY it, to ADMIT it, and to express his anger over it instead of glossing it over or ignoring it. 

if you ask me, his silence is his way of saying it's ok.  that it's ok to treat someone poorly, even if it is your "best friend".  ya know, if it was me treating her that way, he'd be furious.  when it's her, he's silent...

i'm still fucking pissed that she thinks she can say she "forgot" and think that it is ok. 

again, who fucking does that??  was she raised by fucking wolves??

decisions

that's it. i'm sick and tired of being everyone else's go to person. from now on, it's going to be about ME.


i think it's been bubbling up for a long time now and finally i feel as if i'm about to explode.

i have a lot of demands put on me...lots by friends, colleagues, ch, you name it. i get that life has its expectations and responsibilities, i really do. and i'm not saying that i'm going to shirk all of them, but i most certainly am going to go off the grid or pare stuff down a bit.

i just dont want to be the person who gets the stupid texts from ch's friends anymore.  i dont want to be "there" when they need something like i'm a wife or a gf.  in fact, i really dont want to hang out with any of his friends anymore.  i'm tired of being the go-to person if questions need to be answered. specifically, i'm tired of ch's friends expecting me to book tickets, trips, itineraries, or answer basic questions they could figure out for themselves. i'm tapped out. 

i dont want to be going to the gym because of a guilt trip from people i'm not friends with.  i really dont care that they've paid till the end of june for their class...i dont see them doing me any favours when it comes to a time that works for me, so why should i be attending something i detest.  i've been experiencing constant knee injuries after doing simple leg moves like squats and lunges, and need to know what is coming up when so that i can either modify in class or else skip the class altogether so that my knees are not screaming all week long.  in doing FIT,  i will always know what is coming up because the days never change...it's going to be a workout that works for me.  and i know that the class is very challenging, and i'm so looking forward to it.  the cd will be different, there are people in there who are very fit and agile, and the instructor gives us a good solid ass kicking.

as for ch's male friends and mine, i've really decided that i want no part of male friendships anymore.  it's not just the asking and demanding of my attention like i'm wendy to the lost boys, it's the off side comments and shit that goes on as well.  while i was in vegas, i texted josh to see how he was and then after a few exchanges he started making off side comments, telling me i had nice skin and asking whether it was like that all over....what the ever loving FUCK!!?!?  jesus christ.  i dont need that shit.  i just dont.  there are hundreds of women out there who would gladly suck his dick and then some and i'm not one of them. 

i really need arms length from many people in my life, including michelle and kim.  i hate that ch's comments have stuck with me and made me bitter, but they have.  i need to distance myself and not be the fucking dog sitter.  i'm angry about that, seeing as we never ask them for anything and kennel our mutts, yet we are expected to look after theirs.  just because i have dogs, does that make me a dog sitter??  i dont know about that. 

i just dont know anymore.  all i know is that i'm very angry and i'm getting tired of guilt and very tired of being angry all the fucking time.  i feel fed up with external shit in my life and i really think i need to take a huge step back and start doing things that I want to do.  no more guilt trips, no more "i'm sorry"s, nada.  just living for me and that's it. 

i think the guilt is going to be the hardest to shake as i go through this transition, but i'm really hoping in the end that it will all be worth it.  screw the world...i'm going to do as i please.

fitness fuckery

i need a revamping of my schedule with fitness.  lately my 4:45-5:35 class has been the absolute shits.  i have been going to this class since march and it seems that ever since stacey got a new job, the class has been going to shit on a sidewalk.  we dont have weights anymore because bikini is running concurrently in the adjacent studio, we have guest instructors who are bulemic alcoholics who are out to lunch mentally and forget what we're doing or have any kind of structure in the class (long story short, it's a fucking waste of 50mins), and the old birds in the class always complain about the same fucking things every class: the temp of the studio ("it's hot in here"..."isnt it hot?"..."how do we change the thermostat?" and it's the same comments on a loop to every person entering the building before class), and the same fucking cd is played DAILY.  needless to say, i'm at my breaking point with it and i just want to run screaming.

i'm tired of being expected to show up at an exercise class out of guilt because the older birds wont have the class if they dont have 8 people in attendance.  in the meantime, my work out is compromised.  so far this fucking class has had its weights taken away from it, has had shoddy replacement instructors, and in general, i feel as if it's just not challenging enough.

what's worse is that davina has asked me to be in this class with her, yet she fails to show at most of the classes.  so here i am in a class for her sake, not mine, and she's not there.  of course i dont need her there but when someone is asking you to come to a class they're going to, the least they could do is SHOW THE FUCK UP.  then she's asked me to run with her and three other girls at 6am a couple of days a week....well, the three of them are not runners at all.  i cant fault them for that, but if i'm going to needlessly get my ass out of bed at 6am, i'm going to want to fucking RUN, not lamely jog 10 metres and then walk until everyone else catches their breath.  i am not the one who works at 8am, so why should i even get up?  and even if i did, why would i want to "run" with people who are not at my fitness level?  i realise that sounds incredibly rude and it's not my intention, but it's far better to be CHALLENGED in fitness than bored off your ass. believe me, if i wanted to walk, i'd fucking go out my front door and do it at a sane time of the day, rather than get up at 5:30am and drive 1/2 way across the city to do it with people i'm not even friends with.

i could also see davina jamming out of many runs, citing injuries or being tired.  she does that shit all the time, and seeing as i'm having one of those months where patience is very thin, i'd be quite angry if that bullshit started up again.  and knowing how things are and how past patterns predict future behaviours, i know damned well she would be excusing herself out of exercising.

i am also not going fucking walking with sandra either.  i dont need to get in my car and drive 1/2 way across the city to kin coulee to walk for an hour on HER schedule.  no thanks.  again, i can leave my front door and walk here.  fuck, i can do stairs in my neighbourhood.  you certainly dont see her coming to nech to do the stairs in my neck of the woods, yet i should be going to her side of the city to do it?  fuck it.  and she is a notorious jammer, too, so i'd be all set to go and she'd suddenly have cramps or some other bullshit.  god forbid i ever gave those excuses, but she can freely use them without feeling remotely guilty.  i know that i'm going to hear piles of guilt trips over not walking with her and how boo hoo hoo we have to go and do that.  again, fuck it!

so my fitness schedule is going to be as follows: 

• mon: cardio FIT (Fitness In Thirty), hot yoga
• tues: arms FIT
• wed: abs FIT, hot yoga
• thurs: stairs
• fri: running
• sat (off)
• sun: running

all this will be done on MY schedule, not any one else's.  and if they dont like it, they can all fuck right off.

and i'm not even fucking you

vegas was good, but i was tired of the group dynamic.

it seems that my relationship with ch always circles around the number three.  in other words, there are always threes which are quite annoying which seem to follow our relationship around.  sil has always been the 3 in our relationship, (even tho i'm convinced that she believes she is the 2 or, better yet, the 1), and it seems that ch's other single guy friends now think they're the three.

we had gone down there with ross to vegas.  what irritated me about it was that initially we bought his ticket because we got a deal on xmas day.  instead of asking ch what he owed on that right away, he waited till 3 months to ask...ME.  how in the hell would i know that, considering it wasnt my fucking credit card?  and while he was asking me that, he was fucking en route to vegas in april with ch.  i had told him i had no idea how much he owed because it wasnt my credit card taking the hit, yet he failed to ask ch himself...expecting me to do the research for him.  fuck that.

before they went to vegas in april, i got oodles of texts from him asking me to go.  oodles.  they went on and on until i finally said NO, that i needed MY ALONE time.  that shut him up temporarily, but while they were there, he fucking wouldnt stop texting me their itineraries.  daily.  fuck, buddy, i need a break from ch, not his day to minute goings on.  leave me the fuck alone.

so then he went on a cruise and while he was gone, he kept texting me.  then he asked me to set up his nexus appointment for him.  i did it, but then got mad that i'm doing things for someone who really should get a gf to do it, rather than his friend's wife.  then he asked that i book his gtf hotel room...yes, ok, i was booking ours and terri and kelly's but still.  and of course we drove his ass to gtf.  didnt see him once offer to pay for gas, incidentally.  all the way there, he kept asking me what time the flight was, or whether i'd bought a wedding card for jon and jenn, or whether the hotel would allow us to park there while we were in LAS, questions that he himself was very capeable of answering or handling...have i suddenly become a travel agent?  his personal assistant?  his wife?  fuck.  oh, i failed to mention that he texted me all saturday the day before we left, asking me the same questions, to which i silently grumbled the same mutterings.

in vegas it was a constant shit show of texts to me every fucking morning.  ch sleeps in till 4 damn near every day in vegas, so ross was bored stiff and knew i'd be up.  well, for a 40-something man who is single and for the most part living alone, you'd think he'd be able to fend for himself most mornings, rather than expecting entertainment.  not so.  daily texts.  then came the night at freemont street where the boys went off to gamble, and ross stepped on our heels all night as terri and i wandered the strip.  he even followed us into the bathroom at one point.  walking down the sidewalk was another issue...ross is not a small person and tends to take up space, which isnt his fault.  i get that, but i dont like being edged off a sidewalk because he is either forcing his way in between me and my husband or fucking walking on my heels.  i'm going to bluntly say that i fucking HATE having my feet stepped on, even if it is an accident.  it's the one thing i hated the most about our clubbing days which would send me through the roof and basically end a night.  one inadvertent drunken toe step and i was angry, yelling, and wanting to stomp home sans shoes.  my heels were stepped on every time we walked the strip, unless i stopped and let ross walk beside terri or my fucking husband.

honestly, by day three, i was tired of his shit.  i stopped answering his texts, begged terri not to include him.  ross has no manners either.  eating was a whole new ballgame.  if dinners came and ross was served first, he'd be head first down into his plate, slopping food from side to side, long before any of us were served.  i could barely watch him as he'd rip into his entrees with bare hands and slop food down his chin and front of his shirt.  i had the misfortune of sitting across from him in gtf on the way home and accidentally caught him eating potato soup with the cheese running down his chin and being completely oblivious to it.  even kelly commented on it later.  meanwhile ch said nothing.

ch turns a blind eye to all this stuff, but i said to him that i'm tired of looking after ch's needs, much less ross's too.  i get those kinds of questions and demands from ch...why must i be, do, and go for ross, too?  is that an automatic expectation?

really, i'm sick and tired of threes.  i dont want to be in a threesome, a tripod, or on a tricycle.  i'm making that one crystal clear to ch: if there is to be a threesome in my future, i will refuse to go.  i'm sick of that number and want it out of my life for sanity's sake.

t'is the season

for smashups, apparently.

last night we were on our way to coop to get some steaks to bbq and got backed into by someone.  it broke our left running board, which is actually a hard plastic thing.  we were at an intersection trying to turn right when the chick in front of us decided she was too far out into traffic and backed up without looking.

sha-MACK! 

i started freaking out right away, but i reigned in the temptation to go snakey on her.  instead i just shook and jittered as i tried to write down her information.  ch was driving and was calm about it...i dont think i could have just driven away after that.

i have been in 3 accidents now, none of which were my fault.  i can smugly say that it always feels SO good when you are not at fault for the fuckery. 

we dont know right now whether this chick has reported the accident or even admitted to it.  she very well could say that we rear ended her.  we didnt call the cops either and maybe we should have.  we were told that if damages exceeded $1000 that we'd have to.  well, fuck...am i an appraiser?  how the fuck would i know what the damages were?  jesus. 

i'm thinking that we have no witnesses to this and this young thing could easily say we rear ended her, which hopefully the evidence doesnt support.  at the present i'm waiting for the appraiser to call to come see the fucking jeep and then determine what needs to be done afterward.

gratitude

....is lacking in some peoples' lives.  sil, i'm speaking to you.

however, there are those people out there who are truly thankful for things that are done.  i'm bringing this to light because a couple of weeks ago when ch was dissing michelle liberally and refusing to listen to his own sister's bullshit she is more guilty of,  he was careful to point out that he feels that michelle isnt grateful enough and that we are always doing for her.

last time i checked, i looked after her cats for her in 2007 over xmas when she and rob went to the caymans.  2007.  not 2010, not last week or last year, but 3 fucking years ago.  why he's hot under the collar over that is beyond me.

what i'm leading up to here is that last night michelle dropped off a $15 starbucks card for me looking after kona for a 24hr period.  highly unnecessary. 

he fails to see that his sister would never fucking well ever think to say thank you in that manner.  she just expects more, more, more out of us without ever reciprocating or even bothering to say thank you.  it's just expected.

godDAMN i'm tired of that cunt.

another friday

so josh texted me again and we ended up meeting for some drinks. 

i really like josh --dont get me wrong-- but i am starting to feel uncomfortable about having a male friend.  yes, i know MY limits, as josh knows his, but i worry on the periphery if ch is somewhat upset by it.  i have nothing to hide and we arent doing anything wrong other than talking alone together.

we met @ the mainliner pub and had some drinks together.  this afternoon 2 caesars didnt seem like enough, but i let it pass and was good.  water, water, water, coffee, water, water and all was good. 

the same conversations were had: he's dreadfully unhappy.  this week i told him to start worrying about himself and BEING himself.  no pussy footing around this time.  divorce was mentioned liberally.  i think he should leave and start being josh again.  you can see it in his face and how sad he seems.  at this point he's not sure there are any pros to staying.  that is scary.

so we sat at the pub for a while and then went to his garage to see his caddy.  i never told ch that part.  i think it reeks of guilt and questions.  ch is quietly jealous.  i can see him brewing over this, seeing as i just announced via text that going out with josh was my intention.  i hadnt planned it; it was a spontaneous thing this afternoon.

the real question is why am i feeling so much guilt over this?  i did nothing wrong.  said nothing wrong.  didnt really discuss ch...maybe a sentence or 2, but it was mostly about josh's problems.  thankfully.  [sometimes it's good to have a diversion from your own problems in life.]  what i want to know is why i feel so guilty over being out all afternoon today.  ch had a meeting and came home late last night, very drunk and passed out.  he likely slept till 1 or later and pissed the afternoon away.  most definitely he wouldnt have done anything with me...so why do i feel as if i'm in the wrong for going out with a friend and talking?  would i feel more guilty if that friend was female?  i dont think so...

it doesnt help that ch doesnt like my friends.  he doesnt seem to like any of them whom i've made outside of his world.  the ones i've made as a result of HIS friendships, he adores.  the ones i make on my own?  hates 'em.  the night we were discussing michelle, ch made a point of saying to me that he really didnt think he liked josh all that much and definitely couldnt see himself hanging with him.  hey, that's fine.  josh is more of a friend to the ladies and i'm ok with that.  i do not expect ch to like all my friends, altho that would be convenient.

i just dont get the guilt...what a useless ridiculous emotion.

wonder why

hairstyles in picture look better than in person, especially when it's on my head??

afternoon blown...again

i hate waiting for repair people to get here.  i called the a/c repair place this morning and the dude on the phone said he would send someone out today to look at it.  that was at 9am...it's now 15:30 and i'm still waiting.  i  should have gone and ran the errands i originally intended to do.  nothing's worse than knowing you have shit that has to be done while some jackwad believes they can just come and go whenever without so much as a call to let you know the ETA.

regardless, i got some book work done that needs doing before LAS and i putzed around on the net.  my fave.  i had a great bb chat with E and we chatted about the sil's obnoxiousness.  it's good to do those things sometimes as confirmation that i'm not out to lunch on what i perceive as slights.

E passed on a good quote which i would like to share:

"when you 'lose' something remember-- you should be proud you had it to begin with and you can absorb the loss-- this world is abundant"

true.

childhood

here are some things i liked about being a kid and some memories in a virgo-styled list form:

• riding my bike with my sister and making up games
• going to dale haynes' place and playing hide and seek when it was a foggy night.  actually kinda scary in terms of hiding on a big farm in the still night
• going to redstreak campground with my parents
• climbing the trees in the backyard and neighbourhood with my sister
• playing barbies
• coming out of  my shell in grade 9 at the xmas concert while we waited for our turn on stage.  we fucking DESTROYED our classroom.  i never laughed so hard as we took the social tapes and dubbed over them yelling, "COURTNEY'S A FAG".  i think that might have been my idea.  i still laugh thinking of how it was later played that year for social 8.
• going to my granparents' houses
• going to wyndham campground with my parents on a random sunday in the winter to roast marshmellows and have hot chocolate over the firepits
• swimming in park lake, even tho i didnt know how to swim
• being allowed to stay at brent gateman's the last night of grade 8 and having a party there with the grade 7's and 8's.  we got to stay up late, danced in the rain and got soaked, called boys, and played tricks on wade barr as he slept (my design.  i was a devious mother fucker.  maybe it was because i was soooooo shy and quiet that i had plenty of time to scheme?)
• exploring
• hanging out with my cousins
• learning how to drive with my dad and playing baseball or soccer with him in the back yard

i know there are more things....these are just what comes to mind now.

becoming jennie, being me

i have been reading a blog by a celeb in the porn industry who used to go by the name of penny flame.  now she is jennie, having stripped herself of her addictions and has been on the difficult road to sobriety.

i'm on day 104 right now, reading her fantastic blog.  she has SO much to say and i feel as if i know her already.  she feels like a friend, which is really weird because i know i'll never meet her or see her IRL.

if you ever are bored and need a read, surf on over to   http://becomingjennie.wordpress.com/

drives

yesterday ch decided we needed to take the top off the jeep.  after that, we went cruising around town.  we went past the fourplex that we're intending to buy for revenue property and then onto swirls where we both got ice cream.  we went and sat by the river and ate our food, which was really nice and something we've NEVER done together and then headed home.  on the way, bb texted us and said he and gs were @ the gas city campgrounds hanging out so we went up there for a beer and some idle chatter and hung out.

it was a very nice day afterall...after the anger and b.s....

later on, we went to rossco's where it was fucking bizarro night.  wierd clientele, just odd balls, people puked in the bathroom, skanks galore, and just a fucking odd night.  i was shutting it down by 10 and drank water the rest of the night and was able to drive home.  2 beer and i was donezo.

by this time next week we'll be 1/2 way to GTF on our way to LAS.  looking foward to it.

horticultural society

i had hoped to check out their annual perennial sale today.  i had seen the adverts around town saying that it was from 9-3 at the kipling street greenhouse.  i left the house around 1:45 and drove over there, thinking the crowds would have thinned and i could browse.  i wasnt looking for anything in particular, but was mostly curious to see what they had and if they were looking for new members.

the fuckers werent there!  the greenhouses were locked.  i have no idea if i had the wrong greenhouse, but i'm pretty sure i was in the right place...

i came home pissed off and wanting to email them and tell them to pound it.  i wont, but i think seeing a blanket-wrapped ch on the couch has just put me in a foul mood.

josh-o-matic

yesterday i ran into josh twice when i was driving around.  we havent seen each other in a while and usually i only see him when we're driving. 

we started texting and then decided that we'd get together for some drinks since it was nice out.  he came over and had a few beer with me last night and we chatted.

i dont think ch was very pleased with it but he pretended to be ok and came out to say hi and then disappeared.  just as well.  josh has been my friend for over 7 yrs and i love having him around.  he's the funniest guy going and he can make me laugh endlessly until it's time to go home.  i loved working with him because it was always about laughter and songs and voices and silliness, and through it all we got the job done.  i dont think i would have stayed as long as i did at the cafe if it werent for josh.

he stayed a couple of hours discussing his life and wife.  he's been married nearly 4 yrs and is very dissatisfied.  he married someone from cuba who has become materialistic and bossy and it just sounds like it's everything that josh isnt.  josh has always been a free spirit and i recall being able to read him like a book.  i knew better than to go into the kitchen and tell him to do something when he was in one of his moods.  i just would back off and leave him and then he'd be happy again.  it seemed to happen all the time around noon and then he'd get better.  i get the feeling that his wife really doesnt get him or his moods.

i feel sadness for him because he is such a funny and bright person.  attractive too.  i think she is a fool for treating him like shit. 

i'm sure there is always more to the story, but he's my friend and i'm going to naturally trust his word.  i had heard rumblings that he wasnt too happy but yesterday was confirmation of his misery.  he has told me that he'd rather be friends with his wife than married to her.  uh oh.

he left and i'm not sure if we'll see each other again. life is busy.  we are busy people.  i just hope that josh can make it through to the other side unscathed and still remain the person he has always been with or without her.

family assholes

ch and i had a discussion about the stupid flowers and sil's bullshit.  as soon as i picked him up from the pub the other night he was going ON about how she stopped in to see him and thank him for the flowers.  he made note to say that she pointed out that it was all in my hand writing, so by thanking "us" she was really thanking me for it and not ch.  funny how that works because i still havent been thanked.

and i'm not making a huge issue out of this, i swear, but fuck.  she told ch that night that she'd be calling me to say thanks.  well, it's been 72+hrs since i gave her the fucking things and nothing.  i'm not sitting by my phone because she is the princess of ass talk and nothing that comes out of her mouth is even remotely accurate or true.  it's all bullshit.  then i sit here and wonder why i even believe 5% of anything, even when she's told her brother she'll be phoning.

and i'm pissed at myself for getting wound up about something i knew i'd be mad at in the first place, something i shouldnt have done.

there are many lessons to be learned here, but i think the foremost one is to NEVER ever do anything out of the ordinary or out of kindness for this person, ever.  it's just taken for granted and lamely telephoned on to someone else.  i think that if i ever get an urge to be nice or do something kind for her i will immediately stop and put the thought out of my head.  so no dinner invites, no invitations to join us, no birthday gifts, or lunches being bought.  nothing.  ever.  again.  fuck her.

fucking christ, you'd think i'd have learned this one over and over.

grumpy

i'm grumpy today.

i think i usually am when ch has a day off and just lays around the house doing nothing like a sloth.  there's nothing worse than being married to someone who willingly chooses to do fuck all on a nice day but sit under a blanket on the couch and watch tv in their pj's.  yes, there is a time and a place for that, but his days off consist of that always.

i think it just makes me want to climb the walls.  it's like he's invading my space by even being here.  it makes me wonder how i'm going to possibly put up with him when he decides it's time to retire.  unless i'm busy with something i'm going to be ready to kill him.

so yeah.  i'm grumpy.  he's pissing me off.

douchebaguettes

i texted ch to let him know that i found out about the flower delivery.  i told him that i ended up calling her school.  i did that around 3pm.

previous to that, we had hung out and gone to the accountant.  i had a lot of opportunities to tell him that i called the sil's school, but i really didnt want to fight about it.  i thought it would be easier to text him and just let it be.

so he got home from work and said nothing about this issue.  then he needed me to drive him to rossco's to meet a friend for drinks.  once inside, he texted me at 20:01 and said

i saw sil this afteroon.  she said thanks and that she would be calling you.

uh huh.

so i texted him back because i was NOT going to let this rest easy: 

good to know.  i wasnt really looking for thanks as much as i wanted confirmation that the florist actually delivered what i paid for.

yeah, that's the truth in part.  he can suck it.

so i forwarded his text to jan a few minutes later adding that i wondered if he had to ask her if the flowers came or what.  i'm pretty sure that forwarded texts dont get sent to the initial texter...right?

i say that because then he texted back at 21:16: 

i didnt bring it up, she did.

well, holy fuck did my blood run cold.  his txt was not attached to my forwarded text to my sister, but i was still wondering why that line came out of the blue...

i should have just copied and pasted his text into a fresh text to my sister.  fuck, now i'm going to sit here like a complete douche all night and wonder if he got the forwarded text too...

strange dreams

i've been dreaming about my first boyfriend a lot lately.  last night i had a dream where we were getting back together and were doing it on the sly because he didnt want to upset his mother.  it was so fucking real that i woke up satisfied and haunted all day long. 

we havent seen one another for probably 17 yrs, a freaking lifetime ago.  we broke up when i was 18 and i used to see him out and about at the bars in yxh.  we'd never talk because he was still angry with me for dumping him.  the last time i saw him, i was 20 and we were at essie's and both drunk, and i asked him to dance.  remarkably he did, but then his friends wanted to leave the bar, so he left 1/2 way through the song without saying goodbye.  i'm sure that his friends wanted him to get away from me.  i know that i was hoping he and i could chat and maybe re-kindle what we had.

it wasnt to be.

i've thought about him on and off since then.  in the meantime we both led our lives.  he got married and from what i deduced (through a bit of on line research) that he has a kid.  i know that his wife is a twin because her sister married one of steve's friends because she got knocked up.  i'm not sure what the case was with steve and the other sister, but i like to imagine it was an "oh shit" moment too, even tho it likely wasnt.

i dumped steve for a real douchebag i met in my first year of university.  he was 6 yrs older than me and asian.  i wasnt really that attracted to him, but he kept running into me and talking to me in between classes.  i thought he was kind of cool in the frat boy moron kind of way, but never was i really that attracted physically to him.  i liked that he could have fun and be funny at the same time.  damn me and my attraction to funny people, i guess.  i'd end up running into him more and more between classes and then he told me he was going to yvr to visit friends.  when he got back, he ran into me again and brought me a watch he purchased for me.  i thought it was odd, but for some dumb reason i never said anything.  i know i was from the sticks and naive as shit and liked attention, so i said nothing.  casual run ins turned into coffees which turned into him taking me out for valentine's day 1991.  i was still seeing steve at the time and never really thought twice that this jackass had taken me out for drinks on a day reserved for couples.  in the meantime, steve was in grade 12 and vday was on a week night.  if it was on a weekend, i think we might have had a chance, but it was not to be.

i broke up with steve a few weeks later after feeling really guilty about the whole mess.  i was also getting immense pressure from this new jackass to do end the relationship, especially after hearing lecture after lecture how strange it was that steve and i didnt talk about "real" subjects.  whatever.  we were both shy, so what was the big deal?  regardless, i was persuaded to dump this guy.  robin strongly suggested i move on and date more sophisticated men.  i should have known better than to listen to her.

i wrote him a letter and dumped him.  robin told me it was for the best and mailed it for me because i couldnt.  steve wrote me back and said he knew it was coming and some other blabbetty blah about basketball where he was focussed so much on playing and the team that it was his priority (and perhaps his rationale for why he wasnt around as much as he should have been...even tho it really wasnt that much of an issue i suppose...at least i dont remember it being one anyway).  so it ended and that was it.

but really, it wasnt.  i did still love him and i didnt want to break up with him.  i still thought about him a lot and used to get melancholy on our anniversary (may 30th) and would reminisce about our first date (may 25th) and the stuff we used to do together.

we never had sex, one of the regrets i have.  i gave up my virginity to the loser jackass i left steve for.  i think that steve and i had a very innocent yet passionate relationship.  we used to make out for hours.  i think we each drove one another mad with passion and i'm certain that if we had gone all the way, we'd have fucked like rabbits constantly.  when i think of him, i seriously tingle sometimes, even to this day.

i think it's the what ifs that really kill me.  i'm still saddling tonnes of guilt over how i treated him.  i'd say that how i treated him at the end is biggest regrets in life, the one person that i'm always going to want to make it up to, even if we have gone in our own separate directions.  and i hold out the hope that one day we will be reunited.  i know it sounds crazier than hell and my sister has said as much to me, but i've always hoped that someday when both of our spouses have passed on that we will reconnect and marry.  I KNOW, just say it: i'm fucking nuts.  i think i am too for saying it or typing it out loud.

i've been having these damned dreams about him tho.  we will end up kissing and hugging and fucking and it's all so great that i will fucking orgasm in my sleep and wake up happy but hoping ch wont see me or find out wtf was going on.  it's insane.  and then i spend the entire day thinking about it and wondering if i'm off my fucking rocker.


according to dream dictionaries :


To see an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream servers to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship. 

To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive experiences you had with that person.
To have a romantic dream about an ex-boyfriend portends sexual dissatisfaction.

proven right, but does it feel good?

the sil got the flowers.  she did NOT phone or text or email or bb messenger to say thanks or acknowledge it.  i guess it's a regular occurance for her and she get soooooo many floral arrangements that she can hardly keep track of them all, much less phone and thank all her admirers.

*snicker.

instead of asking her directly, which my ch thinks we should do, i called her skool.  i know, i'm a supreme cunt, but i know that ch will circle the wagons if there is even a breath of truth about her.

so the receptionist told me she went into her office and saw the flowers on the desk while she put me on hold.  i told her to NOT let her know i was phoning asking.  so then i kind of snarked and said thanks for checking and i'm glad to find out that i dont have to bawl out the florist and i have confirmation that she's rude.  end conversation.

last night i mentioned to ch that i we sent her flowers and no acknowledgement.  then he said he hadnt heard from her all day and that he'd call her to check and see if she got them.  well, OF COURSE she's going to acknowledge it if you ask directly, you dummy!  not only that, she's going to come up with some lame bullshit excuse about being "busyyyyyyyyyyyy" all day long and too busy to pick up the phone to say a simple thank you.  uh huh, i know her.  it will happen.  and worse yet, he will circle the wagons and justify and protect her rude behaviour, and "how dare" me for suggesting she's a rude little cunt.

i'm meeting up with ch in an hour to see the accountant.  i'm thinking he plans on still phoning her to see what's up about it but i'm going to tell him not to bother saying ANYTHING to her. 

i suppose i knew better before i sent it.  i should have saved my money.  oh well, knowledge is a powerful tool for making future decisions.  next time, listen to your gut.

today's wise words

"Anyone who starts thinking they are indispensable needs to stick their finger into a glass of water, remove it, and see what kind of hole it made"

nuff said.

flowers, or also titled "why am i so damned foolish"

the sil graduated last weekend.  big deals were made and we werent a part of it.

i had been debating sending her flowers to say congrats for a while now.  just a small bouquet [nothing exciting] because i know that either way, the thanks will be given to ch and he will be expected to "telephone" me the thanks.  you remember the telephone game, right?  the game where you actually never get the full explanation because it's passed on through so many ears and mouths that by the time it actually reaches you, it's a perversion of what was initially said.  jog any memories?

i dont know why i did it, to tell you the truth.  there's part of me that likes sending flowers to people.  i think it's an absolute joy to receive flowers unexpectedly and i know the feelings it creates in ME, so i like to do that spontaneously to others.  i always try to imagine the shock and surprise and that is exactly what i'm intending: the secret smile, the anticipation of opening the card to discover who it was, and the joy of seeing the pretty display on one's desk or table.

the negative part is always the soundtrack i have running in my head in terms of dealing with her.  it's the sound of my therapist's voice telling me that i should put into this relationship exactly what i'm getting out of it...in other words, nothing.  so it was kind of a struggle all the way to the florist's yesterday.  that internal debate of knowing full well that she does jack shit for us-slash-me, yet expects the world from us and why-should-she-get-any-acknowledgement-or-any-of-my-hard-earned-cash-to-be-congratulated?

the other darker side of me sent it to her as a test.  a test to see if she would respond at all to ME, rather than ch.  oh sure, it's much easier for her to respond to him and do as she's always done ("tell tracy thanks"), but i suppose i was sending her a subtle gauntlet toss challenging her to actually say it to me.  i mean, the card is in my handwriting and it's pretty obvious that i was there doing it. 

even darker than that, i didnt tell ch.

i dont know why i didnt...ok, yes i do.  i wanted it to be obvious that he had no idea about the flowers, that they came from me.  i also know that he will circle the wagons around his immediate family quicker than the sil will say "dont you know who i am", so anything said will immediately be protected and defended by ch.  in other words, if i tell him and she never acknowledges it, i believe he will come home and tell me that she said thanks, even if she didnt.  he wants to paint her in the best light possible at every moment, even tho she is hardly worth a brushstroke from a dollar store kit.

so it will be interesting to test them both.  her to see if she even acknowledges it at all, altho i'm certain she will say thanks to chhhhhh for sure, lest she look like the ungrateful twat she is, and him to see if she actually says thank you in the first place.

i'm sure she will thank us.  and by "us" i mean him. 

i know better than to make a big deal out of this when i already know the end game and i'm already pissed about it.  i think i'm discovering that i'm finding immense satisfaction in  proving myself right when it comes to dealing with his family.  that they are ungrateful, selfish, spoiled, and really ultimately dont like me....

i know i've said i dont care if they do, but there is that part of me deep down that wants them to.  doing shit like this is almost embarassing because it seems that --yet again-- i'm sticking my neck out, only so that they can wield their machetes and lop it off.

suck it, gwl!

i hate gwl, our benefits company.  i've been submitting my receipts to them for about 7 yrs now and have had nothing but trouble getting my money back for a few months now.  they especially seem to enjoy holding up the process of refunding me my counselling money, which irks me to no end. 

i've gone on the website to see what gives, and since then they've already refunded my massage.  i had my massage 2 full weeks after i went to see james at the end of march.  i mailed my receipts from my visit to james on the same day i went....so therefore, logic would dictate that i should be reimbursed for those visits before the massage.  that wasnt the case.

i've sent them emails about it and looked at my claims history and nothing has been done, so i have phoned the office to get full on letterhead receipts from my therapist's office.

irritating...

if we were at all tardy with paying them their monthly dues, we'd never hear about it...when it's OUR money they owe us, well, it's perfectly ok to drag ass and pretend they know nothing.

these fuckers piss me right off.

my decisions

i quit bollywood dancing.

i know, just say it: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

i feel like i disappointed myself.  i havent told michelle yet either.  i will, just not right now.

at the same time tho, there was ZERO guilt in doing it.  instead, i went to a drop in yoga class and totally enjoyed it.  i was glad i went there.  i cant say that the feelings would have been the same had i gone to the dance class.

i discussed it all with james and told him my concerns and he said that i really did join with the wrong intentions.  i had joined hoping to spend more time with michelle hanging out, despite really not being too excited to dance with my 2 left feet.  i didnt appreciate being singled out last week, nor was i looking forward to the prospect of being further singled out tonight.  and we are supposed to be practicing at home...well, if i so much as thought of practicing, i just felt queasy.  so long story short, i had made up my mind long before i really did make up my mind.

so i went to hot yoga and it wasnt very busy, which was nice.  no annoying twats trying to cry on my shoulder about their latest fucks or how they're getting worse at yoga.  i dont know what all that is about except jealousy or envy.  i overheard sandra talking on wed night and she was saying that she is going to start running...miss "oh my kneeee is soooo bad and i cant run" is now going to run.  i know i sound like the most conceited person in the universe (just say it), but i see that as being competitive.  mind you, i've heard that all before and she ends up never running because she will never do it alone.  she's saying it in hopes of dragging me out there with her and then guess what?!?  i'll get the guilt trips when i'm not running with her or want to run at a pace i'm comfortable with.  she is constantly walking and having to stop...well, what fun is that?  i'm not being an asshole here, but i think that if you want to run with me, you should at least be at the same level in order to make it enjoyable for BOTH OF US.  i'm not talking about all me and what i want here, people.  i think both parties should be relatively on the same level.  conversely, i can tell you that i DO NOT find it at all enjoyable to run with someone who insists on sprinting so that you cant keep up to them  (coughyoucuntmeganbohonoscough).  how fun is that?  not at all.

anyway, i'm sure that she is trying to run now because i've said i run 2 x a week.  and i'm a fair weather runner, folks.  none of this snow/rain bullshit running for me.  hell, if there is a serious wind, i'm not doing it either.  i made that mistake a couple of fridays ago and i sure as all hell wont do that again.

all i'm saying is that there is zero guilt about quitting bollywood...at least on my end.  i'm sure i'll get the riot act read by michelle, but i can deal with that later.  i'd rather have her pissed than have me be a constant source of amusement and entertainment for months on end, thanks.

i have to do what i have to do and screw everyone else.  i think that's where half of my frustration comes from...i'm just sick and tired of being on demand for everyone else.  it's time i did my thing...

lovin this look

here's cyndi lauper's hair...i'm loving everything about it, including the color.

i'm not going to mimic the color, but i definitley like the cut and the rough ends...

i'm going to see if i can pull that off next week when i go to see tina...

hot yoga bootcamp

i'm contemplating doing a hot yoga bootcamp in july.  she's running at least 3-weeklong sessions this summer, all for 69.00+ gst for six classes.  five are 1.25hrs, the last one is an hour.  each day is a focus on a different body part. 

i'm thinking it's not a bad price for the session.  it's probably a lot of stuff we do already.  i've been looking at her schedule and while the bootcamps are on, she's offering power yoga a couple days a week, so if i'm not into the bootcamp, i can most certainly do the power yoga a couple days a week.

i dont intend to tell sandra what i'm doing.  i will just say that i'm thinking about it, but i wont reveal which one.  i know that is supremely cunty of me, but i really am not interested in doing more stuff with her in the future.

really? ffs!

i just got an email from ch:

did you get stamps yet?  i'm fresh out.

i love the word YET.  it's as if he's been asking for them for weeks on end.  please note that ch drives by several stamp retailers on the way to work and works next to an office supply store which could sell stamps.

i just love how he's implied that i've forgotten and he's been out for weeks.  just love the suggestion.

i wrote him back.  kind of snarky but said that i had NO idea he was out and that he should have maybe remembered to get the stamps from me today before he left for work.

again, i am so pissed over the word "yet".  what a fucking asshole.

thank god the gym is on tonight....

james is my hero

i do really like my therapist james.  it's like meeting with a really good friend once a month.  i've been seeing him for 4yrs now and altho i wonder at times if i'm actually progressing, i think that without it i'd be lost.

so i was telling him about ch's recent meltdown over michelle and telling him how upset i've been about it and how angry that ch can just tell me something and never give any thought to it again, while i sit and stew and worry for days after.  of course i broke down in tears there when i was telling him about ch's comments because it made me question my own judgement.  and i described to him the past history of having my mom constantly berate me for my friend choices and now to have ch do it was too much.  and i suggested to him that my mom and ch and people like that have always made me feel like i have to be cynical about everything and always wondering what the ulterior motives are or where the angle might be when someone befriends me.

so we discussed that for a while and then james started asking me why i was friends with kim and michelle.  and when i started talking about it, i realised that we do have a lot of history and have had a lot of fun together and i really dont think it's all done and worth washing my hands over.  at least not the way ch seems to think.

of course i feel conflicted over the new development and admission that ch hates michelle, so i said to james that it makes me more uncomfortable.  sure, i may have suspected it in the past, but to have it confirmed makes it all the more awkward.  who wouldnt want their significant other to get along with everyone?  i mean, we all want our spouses to move between our friends with ease without explanations and awkwardness.  but now that he has admitted his dislike, i feel more anxiety over the questions which are sure to come, the "where's ch" and the raised eyebrows to suggest that he is lesser for not choosing to be with them.  (and even typing that, i get annoyed with the judgemental bullshit that seems to always be on the periphery of this group of people)

i get that ch doesnt have ulterior motives for telling me the truth the way my mom had when i was a kid.  i know she did it out of jealousy and wanting to keep us little and close to her.  i know we were spoon fed lies and i see evidence of it as she tries to do that to us now.  i can pass off what she says because most of it is said or done out of the fear of losing us.  i'm not saying i accept it, i just have learned to take it all with a huge fat whopping grain of salt and have recognized that i pretty well can not take anything my mom says at face value, ever. ch doesnt have that same insecurity and i know that he's doing it out of love.  i can see that.  in no way is he forcing me to choose him before anyone, he's just telling me that i should back off a bit and see what happens.  i do like that advice and will likely take it. 

as we were discussing all this and once it got to the part about michelle always wanting something, it always being about her etc, james stopped and said how ironic the whole situation was that ch was addressing.  and then he said that he found it funny that ch was criticising michelle for something that his sister does all the time.  and then he said that it has to be hard to take criticisms from someone who is already up to their neck in the same bullshit that they're criticising you for.  well, how true!  of course when we were discussing all this, i said to him that it sure sounded a lot like sil and how she is always wanting shit but never reciprocates.  ch's answer?  "that may be, but we are not talking about my sister, we are talking about michelle".  ohhh, i get it: it's ok to hack on my friends but it's not ok to tell the truth about her?  right.

sickening.  the hypocrisy is ridiculous.  thankfully james made me think about that.  i did suggest that maybe subconsciously his criticisms are really a response to his anger over his sister's behaviours.  james didnt dismiss that and considered that it could be a possibility.

regardless, i felt more relieved.  i dont have to ditch these friends.  i came to that realisation.  i just need to define what i will and wont do. 

another contributor

...to my anger is ch.

he drives me nuts. 

in fact, all the calm i had last week has since dissipated on his arrival.  i think it's ultimately the laundry issue i have the most anger over.  on monday i did our laundry.  i happened to wash stuff with towels which are fraying, so that when they were dried the frayed part of the towel wrapped around ch's 2 pairs of pants.  i took them out of the dryer and they were wrinkly.  i probably should have ironed them then and there, but i didnt.  no, i'm not a domestic doyenne, so back off.  instead, i tried to smooth them flat and then just put them on the hangers in his closet.

this morning he went to go get dressed and pitched a huge hissy because he had 2 pairs of pants which were wrinkly.  oh the horror!  but instead of just calmly taking it in, he started throwing things.  he could have come in here and asked me nicely to iron them.  instead, he starts pitching pants around and when i suggest he try another pair, he says "well, i did that and i'm tired of trying all the pants in the closet".  really?  maybe it's time YOU fucking well did your laundry or here's an idea:  maybe you should stop buying high maintenance clothing that says there's no fussing, but really, there always is.  so maybe, just maaaaaaaybe you should fucking take care of your own shit for a change and see how frustrating it all is. 

fuck, i hate his attitude.  i hate his mom and dad and sister for enabling this bullshit uselessness and i really above all hate myself for fucking well allowing it and laying the foundation for the bullshit and fuckery to continue 12yrs later.  god, i hate myself.

ya know, nothing makes me angrier than the implication that i'm to blame for everything around here.  that wasnt the first episode either: it was the second today because we had the repair person in here and i forgot to mention the underground sprinklers which need attention.  so he called me out on that and got angry.  well, while i was outside discussing the fence and gates with rory and stepping in 3cm snow (which covered our sprinklers and made it easy enough to forget that i needed to tell him about them), ch was merrily upstairs in bed sleeping.  all this was going on while i'm outside in 1c weather and he's tucked away in bed.  so then rory leaves and he's mad at me for not remembering to tell him about sprinklers. 

it really gets to the point where i swear i'm going to come unglued here one day and just let him have it.  i'll tell him that he can start doing his own laundry for a change and NO, the fucking dryer is NOT a dresser, so he will not only have to do his own laundry, but he'll also have to fold AND put them away.  and if i find anything in the dryer, it will end up on the floor.  i'm not a fucking slave.

and it's the same with calling people.  he's always saying that things need to be done, but not only does he not pitch in to do said things, he's fucking criticising me for taking care of them.  so i can call people (as in rory's case) to get shit done, but ch will always seem to find some fault with it.  either i've forgotten something or i've paid too much.  i'm not sure if it's his insecurity or uncomfortableness with being emasculated or what it is, but i get really tired of someone who refuses to actually DO something to help out, yet finds oodles of time to criticise.

maybe that's just it...while i'm in the middle of things getting them done, he's sitting back doing SWEET FUCK ALL and finding nothing but time to concoct critiques and remember the things i've forgotten.  i'm telling you, i was on simmer from sandra's texts today, but now i'm at a full boil thinking of ch's attitude today.

more fishing

i think i'm going to start keeping a log of obnoxious bb messages i get from sandra.

it seems she only contacts me when she wants something.  monday's case out of the blue was to tell me that she had sex all weekend long with someone who is only using her 47yr old ass for a booty call.  he has told her that straight, but she wont accept it and then whines about it and expects pity.  i have none.

today she texted me and wanted to set up a date to go walking on friday.  of course it is in her neck of the city, not mine.  there are never any offers to walk on my side of the city and i'm sick of it.  so as soon as i got her text today i knew she wanted something.  she's always fishing for something and i cant stand it.

thankfully i'm busy friday.  not that i need an excuse not to go with her, but i'm just glad it's legit.  if i didnt have anything going, i'd have told her that i'm walking on MY side of the city.  i guarantee she wouldnt join me and would come up with an excuse as to why she wouldnt. 

for now tho she is blaming me for not getting her and her dog out walking.  like it's my problem that her dog hasnt walked!  she's just one person in complete denial over ownership and responsibilities.  it's easier for her to blame everyone else for her own shortcomings than DO something about it herself.

why am i friends with this woman?  i think she is a huge contributing factor to my anger and feelings of hostility.

done and done

we finally got all the locks re-keyed.  all of them work and are functioning efficiently!  very exciting.

the handyman was here this morning to look at our gates, so that will be done shortly.  i called the people responsible for marking the utility lines, so they should all be here before friday, so rory can get going on digging post holes and erecting the fence.

so exciting to have everything falling into place!  now if we could just get rid of this damned snow!

ps, and ch better not give a copy of the new keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey to the sil. 

Zombie Awareness Month

wear grey, be vigilant.  prepare your emergency zombie kit which should include water and a good baseball bat...

i heard this on cbc last night....

these people are serious.

http://www.zombieresearch.org/home.html


ps.  there is also a local chapter in calgary!!

An Open Letter to Medicine Hatters

Dear hatters,

i havent written you here yet.  maybe it's because the prospect of it is too exhausting, maybe it's because i just get fed up, or worse yet, maybe i am more like you than i care to admit.

but not today.

please, for the love of god, PUSH the pedal hard.  you know, the one on the right side of the floor?  PUSH IT DOWN.

30 is not an acceptable speed in a 50 zone, mkay?

lovingly yours,
t

lectures

friday night after we went out for sushi and drinks with friends, we had a big discussion about our friends.

it all started because i was looking after michelle's dog.  ch was very angry about it and said that he was annoyed that she asked and that i'm always doing for them, but they're never doing for me.  and by "them" i'm meaning kim and michelle.  he started in at me and wanted to know why i never reciprocated and got them to look after our dogs and take their turn.

i dont know why i never ask.  maybe it's because i have two dogs, maybe it's because i hate asking for help.  i really dont know.  there are times where i'd prefer to just do things on my own and worry about it and know it will be done right.  afterall, they did look after my dogs once and i came home to a huge mess.  i never told them about it because i think there'd have been upset, but believe me, i was very angry and havent forgotten.  it wasnt their fault because it went on AFTER they'd left, but i was upset enough to say that i'd rather pay the $30 and drive the hour out to drop them off, rather than deal with a mess like that again or the anxiety or worry about the mess left behind.  yeah, i'm telling you that the money is not nearly as annoying as the worry and anxiety over what the dogs might have done while i was gone and they were in the care of my friends.

so ch got on the topic of michelle and told me all about how he doesnt like her.  hates her more than ever now because he thinks it's all about her with nothing in return.  maybe he's right, i dont know.  our conversation definitely did give me things to think about. 

he is really angry with her for the xmas sweater incident where ch and i dressed up in ugly sweaters and nobody else did.  ch is convinced that they all did that on purpose and was even more angry to know that it's still a source of amusement.  apparently he was angry with michelle the whole night because she kept looking at us and laughing.  why he waited for 5 months to tell me is beyond me.  and then he was mad for her asking me what i was wearing and then turning around and dressing up, throwing me under the bus.  i brushed it all off and thought nothing of those incidents until he brought them to light and said "see, she is throwing you under the bus".

so then i get thinking about shit and yeah, i do get mad for being known as the dog sitter.  and now that i've looked after kona once, i guarantee i'll be on rotation.  what killed me was that she said that she had asked kim but kim wouldnt do it unless i wouldnt.  so basically their conversation probably went like this:

 m: can you watch kona?
k: well, i really dont want to have to.
 m: well, i can always ask tracy, kim, it's ok
k: yeah, ask her first.  i'll do it if she cant
[and of course i'm reading into it, but i'm sure there was giggling and a comment or two thrown in there about it]

ch sees that it probably went that way.  then he started beaking off that he's tired of me being expected to look after beau and take care of him and they never look after czar and hudson.  so then we get into a big discussion slash fight about how i dont ask my friends for things and dont ask anyone.  i tell him that i'd rather do things my way and be satisfied, than worry endlessly that someone will throw soiled comforters in garbage bags and leave them for me.  then i start wondering if all this bullshit is because he had to ask his sister to look after our dogs once and how he probably figured that i should have asked my friends.  and even as i think of that now i wonder if all this anger and ire is coming from him having to ask someone when he believes it's my job to ask people.  who freaking knows.

regardless, he went on that he doesnt think that michelle is really my friend and he is really tired of her laughing at my expense over things.  maybe he's right.  i do know that i felt way more insecure in bollywood the other night when michelle was there.  i figure that my efforts or lack thereof will become conversation topics in the future.  and on some level, i know that ch is right when he talks about the laughing and tittering at someone's expense because i am aware that michelle does that a lot.

i think that drives him batty and he is sick of it.  he then started going on about her breast job and how she is clearly a very insecure person (hence the laughing AT, not with, others) and how annoying it all was.  i tell him that she said she was tired of having to mend clothes to fit and he said "OH BULLSHIT!  it's vanity and insecurity, plain and simple".  who knows.  maybe guys do see things more clearly or i'm this stupid naive little elevator girl who has never grown up.

that's what kills me though:  all of this bullshit and people telling me who my friends arent.  it reminds me of growing up where my mom was always quick to tell me who wasnt my friend and how bad they all were.  i secretly think she wanted me to be a loner and a loser with no friends who would need her more than ever.  i dont think that's ch's motive, but i dont know what it is.  i'd like to think it's protecting me and i want to believe it, but i will never know.  all i know is that these conversations make me question everything and everyone and fucking make me more angrier and cynical about everything.  two feelings i've been very tired of experiencing and i'm so SICK OF IT.

just F*ck off, already

i always get fishing bb messages from sandra.  it's never really about anything other than trying to get something across to me.  oh sure, she asks how i'm doing but there is always an ulterior motive behind it.

she's either angling for a walking partner or therapy session.  today's was a therapy session.

i admit, i have been an ultimate bitch lately.  i'm not sure if it's weather related or what but i have felt really anxious and on edge and have been losing patience.  this weekend i had a big discussion with ch and told him that i'm tired of being angry all the freaking time and recognized that maybe it's some of the friends in my life that i'm doing things for who dont reciprocate.  more on that later.

we got talking about sandra and ch is convinced she wants to be me, that she is jealous and envious.  that could be, altho i have no idea why.  i do know that she always wants to compete and in yoga (for instance) she has to hold her poses longer than me or take it deeper and if she cant, then she spends the rest of the time complaining how she hates the new sequence and cant do it.  of course we all love doing what we can do, but i dont think there is necessarily a need to compete with someone 10yrs younger.  i dont try to compete with the young girls, nor do i expect myself to be as flexible.  it is what it is.  nothing more, nothing less.

i had texted her friday to say hi and was basically given the cold shoulder.  one word responses which ended with "i'm tired".  never heard from her all weekend.  last wednesday she took great pains to tell me how she now walks with a bunch of people from the gym.  hey, good on ya.

so today she texted me and asked how the hell i was.  i said to ch that i know that she is fishing.  i didnt know what for, but i knew that she was fishing.  i took my time responding and she had to tell me how she hooked up with this guy who basically always fucks her and leaves, she's his ho in the port, so to speak.  but instead of understanding how it really is, she always plays the victim after all is said and done and whines and "oh woe is me"-s and tries to tell me alllllll about it.

today i wasnt hearing anything of it and told her what james always says "past patterns predict future behaviour".  what else could i possibly say?  i know she is hoping to get in a few "oh why do i always do that"-s and i really just dont have time for it.

then after i basically gave her the one words and the saying courtesy of james she stopped talking about it.  i know i pissed her off by not playing into it the way she wanted.  instead of being doormat tracy, i played disinterested and sick of you tracy.  it might have worked.

then she started in with the whole "we need to get walking...my dog is waiting for you to get going" bullshit.  like she needs ME to walk with her so her dog can exercise.  fuck.  what IS it with people?  i know she is fishing to get me to go with her this weekend and i'm going to be unavailable.  she always expects me to go walking with her on her side of the city but this time i'm going to tell her that i'm doing mccoy's stairs (in my 'hood) so if she wants to see me, she can fucking drive HER ass over here. 

what do you want to bet that the excuses will fly and she wont do it?  oh i can bet that she will find some lame excuse as to why she cant go anywhere but kin coulee and boo hoo hoo about it, expecting me to drive over there.  it will happen.

ch has said that i need to give back what i get.  we had that talk friday night and i want to put it into action...so look out...you're getting what you give me.