decisions

that's it. i'm sick and tired of being everyone else's go to person. from now on, it's going to be about ME.


i think it's been bubbling up for a long time now and finally i feel as if i'm about to explode.

i have a lot of demands put on me...lots by friends, colleagues, ch, you name it. i get that life has its expectations and responsibilities, i really do. and i'm not saying that i'm going to shirk all of them, but i most certainly am going to go off the grid or pare stuff down a bit.

i just dont want to be the person who gets the stupid texts from ch's friends anymore.  i dont want to be "there" when they need something like i'm a wife or a gf.  in fact, i really dont want to hang out with any of his friends anymore.  i'm tired of being the go-to person if questions need to be answered. specifically, i'm tired of ch's friends expecting me to book tickets, trips, itineraries, or answer basic questions they could figure out for themselves. i'm tapped out. 

i dont want to be going to the gym because of a guilt trip from people i'm not friends with.  i really dont care that they've paid till the end of june for their class...i dont see them doing me any favours when it comes to a time that works for me, so why should i be attending something i detest.  i've been experiencing constant knee injuries after doing simple leg moves like squats and lunges, and need to know what is coming up when so that i can either modify in class or else skip the class altogether so that my knees are not screaming all week long.  in doing FIT,  i will always know what is coming up because the days never change...it's going to be a workout that works for me.  and i know that the class is very challenging, and i'm so looking forward to it.  the cd will be different, there are people in there who are very fit and agile, and the instructor gives us a good solid ass kicking.

as for ch's male friends and mine, i've really decided that i want no part of male friendships anymore.  it's not just the asking and demanding of my attention like i'm wendy to the lost boys, it's the off side comments and shit that goes on as well.  while i was in vegas, i texted josh to see how he was and then after a few exchanges he started making off side comments, telling me i had nice skin and asking whether it was like that all over....what the ever loving FUCK!!?!?  jesus christ.  i dont need that shit.  i just dont.  there are hundreds of women out there who would gladly suck his dick and then some and i'm not one of them. 

i really need arms length from many people in my life, including michelle and kim.  i hate that ch's comments have stuck with me and made me bitter, but they have.  i need to distance myself and not be the fucking dog sitter.  i'm angry about that, seeing as we never ask them for anything and kennel our mutts, yet we are expected to look after theirs.  just because i have dogs, does that make me a dog sitter??  i dont know about that. 

i just dont know anymore.  all i know is that i'm very angry and i'm getting tired of guilt and very tired of being angry all the fucking time.  i feel fed up with external shit in my life and i really think i need to take a huge step back and start doing things that I want to do.  no more guilt trips, no more "i'm sorry"s, nada.  just living for me and that's it. 

i think the guilt is going to be the hardest to shake as i go through this transition, but i'm really hoping in the end that it will all be worth it.  screw the world...i'm going to do as i please.