the hutterite, the lego, and the hippie.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
skinny minnies vs. fattie patties
continued...
d and i were talking about our individual fitness journeys the other night and the comments and struggles we've had. both of us were bigger but have perservered and relatively enjoy it.
we were talking about some of our friends and peer pressure and comments that get thrown our way. someone commented to her about how she has larger friends and those friends are now worried that she will ditch them because she is getting fit. how ridiculous.
d also has a friend who has had a gastric bypass and how she perceives it to be unfair that this person now weighs less than her. personally, i think surgery is CHEATING. and altho this person has decreased in size and looks better than she has, she isnt strong. her cardio is terrible and she isnt strong or toned. it doesnt matter that she weighs less, she still cant do anything. i tried to tell d that she is way ahead of this person in terms of things because she has her cardio and her strength, whereas the gastic bypass lady(gpl) is struggling hard in classes to keep up. hey, kudos to her because she has been at every class, but she still cheated.
d has noticed that the gpl is now changing her attitude and the real her is emerging, and it's not pretty. this person had hid behind her weight and now that she is decreasing in mass, she is showing her true colors. scary. i only know this person to see her and have chatted with her from time to time, but i hear town gossip (fuck, there is A LOT of it here) and i have heard my own shit about her. i try not to judge because it's terribly unfair, but this person isnt really my type anyway, so i could care less about the person she is.
fitness changes a lot of things about people; positive and negative. i like to think that i feel more confident. it's wonderful to go into a class and be able to hold the plank position for 2 minutes. i couldnt do that before. that empowers me. what doesnt is the shitty attitude some of these bitches have...hence why it's fucking awesome to go in, say nothing, work my ass off (literally), and leave.
it's not great, but that's how it is.
d and i were talking about our individual fitness journeys the other night and the comments and struggles we've had. both of us were bigger but have perservered and relatively enjoy it.
we were talking about some of our friends and peer pressure and comments that get thrown our way. someone commented to her about how she has larger friends and those friends are now worried that she will ditch them because she is getting fit. how ridiculous.
d also has a friend who has had a gastric bypass and how she perceives it to be unfair that this person now weighs less than her. personally, i think surgery is CHEATING. and altho this person has decreased in size and looks better than she has, she isnt strong. her cardio is terrible and she isnt strong or toned. it doesnt matter that she weighs less, she still cant do anything. i tried to tell d that she is way ahead of this person in terms of things because she has her cardio and her strength, whereas the gastic bypass lady(gpl) is struggling hard in classes to keep up. hey, kudos to her because she has been at every class, but she still cheated.
d has noticed that the gpl is now changing her attitude and the real her is emerging, and it's not pretty. this person had hid behind her weight and now that she is decreasing in mass, she is showing her true colors. scary. i only know this person to see her and have chatted with her from time to time, but i hear town gossip (fuck, there is A LOT of it here) and i have heard my own shit about her. i try not to judge because it's terribly unfair, but this person isnt really my type anyway, so i could care less about the person she is.
fitness changes a lot of things about people; positive and negative. i like to think that i feel more confident. it's wonderful to go into a class and be able to hold the plank position for 2 minutes. i couldnt do that before. that empowers me. what doesnt is the shitty attitude some of these bitches have...hence why it's fucking awesome to go in, say nothing, work my ass off (literally), and leave.
it's not great, but that's how it is.
reverse discrimination
i visit a website daily called sparkpeople.com. it's an online data resource for fitness people. you can log your activity, calories, keep a food journal, find recipes, workouts, menu plans, EVERYTHING there. i really enjoy visiting that site because i can always find something to make that is low in caloric intake or can read articles on motivation, etc. it's been a great resource, especially in terms of keeping a nutrition journal (which i think is a crucial weight loss tool).
the other day i was looking at the message boards and someone had inquired about zumba, a latin-american dance fitness class. i have yet to take it but i think i'm going to sign up for the class on monday...i have this feeling that my two left feet will not appreciate it. {seriously i have no rhythm. it's embarassing.} i want to try this class and see what it's all about. the bigger sil has taken it and raved about it and i take her word with a huge grain of salt about things, so i just want to see for myself.
someone on the message boards was talking about being concerned that they were bigger and whether she'd fit in the class. i know we all have to start somewhere and i have no problems with bigger people in my classes; i'm just happy they're at the gym trying! not only that, i have been bigger and insecure about stuff, but honestly after a while it doesnt matter. i have heard quite a few girls express insecurity over walking into a gym and being the biggest person there, but everyone sweats and you are there to DO SOMETHING. get over it.
what got me down were some of the posters carrying on about not finding classes with "skinny minnies" in them. i am quite offended by that. as if a "skinny minnie" could post something about finding a class without fatties in it without severe reprocussion and likely banning from the site. it just pisses me off that there is that discrimination against people who are thinner from bigger people. get over it, ladies. everyone is a different shape and size and some lose it faster than others...some who are skinny were fat at one point...there are a thousand stories out there but to openly preach hate is ridiculous and insulting. i cant stand it. i gave that poster shit and said she was ridiculous. i havent checked in yet to see if i got trashed for saying so.
it's shitty attitudes like that which make going to the gym a gong show sometimes. i think that's why i go, keep my head down, and do the class and leave. no drama, no talking, no making nice. i'm there to WORK. i'm not there to wear the latest shit or talk smack before class starts...
that kind of talk just makes me want to WORK HARDER.
the other day i was looking at the message boards and someone had inquired about zumba, a latin-american dance fitness class. i have yet to take it but i think i'm going to sign up for the class on monday...i have this feeling that my two left feet will not appreciate it. {seriously i have no rhythm. it's embarassing.} i want to try this class and see what it's all about. the bigger sil has taken it and raved about it and i take her word with a huge grain of salt about things, so i just want to see for myself.
someone on the message boards was talking about being concerned that they were bigger and whether she'd fit in the class. i know we all have to start somewhere and i have no problems with bigger people in my classes; i'm just happy they're at the gym trying! not only that, i have been bigger and insecure about stuff, but honestly after a while it doesnt matter. i have heard quite a few girls express insecurity over walking into a gym and being the biggest person there, but everyone sweats and you are there to DO SOMETHING. get over it.
what got me down were some of the posters carrying on about not finding classes with "skinny minnies" in them. i am quite offended by that. as if a "skinny minnie" could post something about finding a class without fatties in it without severe reprocussion and likely banning from the site. it just pisses me off that there is that discrimination against people who are thinner from bigger people. get over it, ladies. everyone is a different shape and size and some lose it faster than others...some who are skinny were fat at one point...there are a thousand stories out there but to openly preach hate is ridiculous and insulting. i cant stand it. i gave that poster shit and said she was ridiculous. i havent checked in yet to see if i got trashed for saying so.
it's shitty attitudes like that which make going to the gym a gong show sometimes. i think that's why i go, keep my head down, and do the class and leave. no drama, no talking, no making nice. i'm there to WORK. i'm not there to wear the latest shit or talk smack before class starts...
that kind of talk just makes me want to WORK HARDER.
giving up coffee
i'm giving it up for now. AHHHH! so many changes all at once...hard to process at times.
i can drink a pot of coffee easily. no sweat. i love the color, the smell, the "social" aspect of going to coffee shops and hanging out idly. i love that shit.
but what i havent been loving is the jittery sensation and irritation i've been feeling after ONE cup. one!! it's ridiculous. i drank a cup the other day and started becoming really irritated and decided to forget it.
my coffee maker hasnt been percolating for 2 days now. that's a record around these parts. trust.
for someone such as i to go cold turkey is a big deal. for example: i go through a pound of coffee A WEEK. ch has maybe 2 cups of it, but the rest is me. the other week i went to costco and bought a BIGASS bag of beans and they're DONE. i was just in costco two weeks ago. i shit you not. that aint right.
i was out shopping at nutters, originally looking for oil of oregano, and found a bunch of tea. i'm a sucker sometimes because i ended up buying the complexion tea with roobois blends. i've been drinking it in the afternoons and i really actually enjoy it. it's caffiene free and has a bunch of other goodies in it, so it cant hurt...and the more water i'm consuming, the better, right?
that's not to say that i'm not missing coffee. i am not necessarily cutting it cold turkey because i think i will still hit a starbucks and drink a fat free latte, but it wont be a daily occurance. coffee, from now on, will be a treat. i hope. :)
i can drink a pot of coffee easily. no sweat. i love the color, the smell, the "social" aspect of going to coffee shops and hanging out idly. i love that shit.
but what i havent been loving is the jittery sensation and irritation i've been feeling after ONE cup. one!! it's ridiculous. i drank a cup the other day and started becoming really irritated and decided to forget it.
my coffee maker hasnt been percolating for 2 days now. that's a record around these parts. trust.
for someone such as i to go cold turkey is a big deal. for example: i go through a pound of coffee A WEEK. ch has maybe 2 cups of it, but the rest is me. the other week i went to costco and bought a BIGASS bag of beans and they're DONE. i was just in costco two weeks ago. i shit you not. that aint right.
i was out shopping at nutters, originally looking for oil of oregano, and found a bunch of tea. i'm a sucker sometimes because i ended up buying the complexion tea with roobois blends. i've been drinking it in the afternoons and i really actually enjoy it. it's caffiene free and has a bunch of other goodies in it, so it cant hurt...and the more water i'm consuming, the better, right?
that's not to say that i'm not missing coffee. i am not necessarily cutting it cold turkey because i think i will still hit a starbucks and drink a fat free latte, but it wont be a daily occurance. coffee, from now on, will be a treat. i hope. :)
clean eating, but can i escape the drinking?
i'm finding the clean eating thing easy enough. i've eaten a lot of fruit and veggies. the other night i had tilapia and it was quite tasty with a bit of salsa. i know, salsa from a jar is not recommended because of the sodium etc inside, but until i figure out the canning process it will have to do. there are worse things i could put in my gut.
i'm even quite impressed that i bought jello fat free puddings (90cal, .4fat) and havent touched them yet! that's impressive for me because i ordinarily crave creamy desserts. instead i've been reaching for fruit and eat source yogurt (35c, 0f). it's a guilt free treat that i really like and i try to catch it on sale. buying it at safeway is ridiculous because a "sale" price is 6.99, whereas if i look in superstore or wal-mart, i can get it for 5.99. even superstore's brand "finesse" is a cheaper alternative with 45 calories and 0 fat. i will sacrifice the extra 10 calories for price...the taste and texture is comparable.
the problem i find is getting away from booze. it's always in my house and there are days where i feel the need to consume, which drives me batty. i can stay away from it, but there are some days/events where it's damned near impossible to detour around.
i hang with a group of people on weekends who are die hard beer drinkers. i secretly think they have a problem with beer and it's interesting how ch and i have gravitated toward them. it seems that every weekend we are meeting with these couples and singles and hanging out. plans get made to spend time together in the future, which is great, but it always revolves around booze. i have spent time with these people in the past and took a hiatus of sobriety which was wonderful. and now that i'm back "in the loop" so to speak, it's back on.
i find beer pressure extremely aggravating and irritating and immature and i sincerely wonder why it is i experience it at the twilight of my thirties. i have made my intentions quite clear (clean eating etc) and i will get the response that i can follow the 80/20 rule...be good during the week, be bad on weekends. well, i've tried that and quite frankly, it doesnt work. and i've been reading many articles that say that drinking on weekends, combined with bad eating and food choices, pretty well sabotages all the hard work you do monday to friday, even if that bad night is done one night a week. well, i dont get out of bed at 530am for nothing, i'm telling you! really if dragging ass and killing myself at 6am isnt making a difference, then why the hell am i doing it?
the thing is, i enjoy exercising and i'm not quitting for beer. beer has no payoffs, other than temporary enjoyment. later on, my clothes dont fit, i find that i'm getting drunk in a black haze where i cant remember the night or how i got home, and i spend the next day in bed hungover and regretting everything while guilt demons plague me. booze just doesnt really pay off in any manner, yet i can not understand why there is a deep desire to do it. i swear that if i could stay small and carry on in my life with success, i'd fucking drink every day. recognizing that, i have to make a conscious effort NOT TO. i know it is bad for me, there are no benefits unless it's done in moderation. i recognize that moderation is very difficult for my personality...it really is.
i'm either a full on or full off person. it's not part of the way. either i'm a drinker or a nondrinker. there's no grey with me and i dont think there is a grey for an addict either. you cant occasionally do meth or coke, it's either or (at least that's what i've taken from shows like intervention). i think it's the same with drinking for my personality type. hey, there are people out there that can have a drink every now and then and not take it to a darker level, but for me it's a struggle. seriously. i want to keep going.
regardless, i have to be a good girl and have to be conscious about it. this will mean cutting back whatever's going on during the weekends. i plan to not have a drink till dec 5th when we're going on a hockey road trip; from there, no drinking till the next weekend hockey road trip (have i mentioned that i HATE hockey? jesuschristallfuckingmighty), and then no drinks till the boxing day blowout party, and then new years...and from there i plan to drink only on holidays, since we are planning to go somewhere hot in february and again in march.
i think i can do it...whether my friends get it will be another story and struggle. guaranteed.
i'm even quite impressed that i bought jello fat free puddings (90cal, .4fat) and havent touched them yet! that's impressive for me because i ordinarily crave creamy desserts. instead i've been reaching for fruit and eat source yogurt (35c, 0f). it's a guilt free treat that i really like and i try to catch it on sale. buying it at safeway is ridiculous because a "sale" price is 6.99, whereas if i look in superstore or wal-mart, i can get it for 5.99. even superstore's brand "finesse" is a cheaper alternative with 45 calories and 0 fat. i will sacrifice the extra 10 calories for price...the taste and texture is comparable.
the problem i find is getting away from booze. it's always in my house and there are days where i feel the need to consume, which drives me batty. i can stay away from it, but there are some days/events where it's damned near impossible to detour around.
i hang with a group of people on weekends who are die hard beer drinkers. i secretly think they have a problem with beer and it's interesting how ch and i have gravitated toward them. it seems that every weekend we are meeting with these couples and singles and hanging out. plans get made to spend time together in the future, which is great, but it always revolves around booze. i have spent time with these people in the past and took a hiatus of sobriety which was wonderful. and now that i'm back "in the loop" so to speak, it's back on.
i find beer pressure extremely aggravating and irritating and immature and i sincerely wonder why it is i experience it at the twilight of my thirties. i have made my intentions quite clear (clean eating etc) and i will get the response that i can follow the 80/20 rule...be good during the week, be bad on weekends. well, i've tried that and quite frankly, it doesnt work. and i've been reading many articles that say that drinking on weekends, combined with bad eating and food choices, pretty well sabotages all the hard work you do monday to friday, even if that bad night is done one night a week. well, i dont get out of bed at 530am for nothing, i'm telling you! really if dragging ass and killing myself at 6am isnt making a difference, then why the hell am i doing it?
the thing is, i enjoy exercising and i'm not quitting for beer. beer has no payoffs, other than temporary enjoyment. later on, my clothes dont fit, i find that i'm getting drunk in a black haze where i cant remember the night or how i got home, and i spend the next day in bed hungover and regretting everything while guilt demons plague me. booze just doesnt really pay off in any manner, yet i can not understand why there is a deep desire to do it. i swear that if i could stay small and carry on in my life with success, i'd fucking drink every day. recognizing that, i have to make a conscious effort NOT TO. i know it is bad for me, there are no benefits unless it's done in moderation. i recognize that moderation is very difficult for my personality...it really is.
i'm either a full on or full off person. it's not part of the way. either i'm a drinker or a nondrinker. there's no grey with me and i dont think there is a grey for an addict either. you cant occasionally do meth or coke, it's either or (at least that's what i've taken from shows like intervention). i think it's the same with drinking for my personality type. hey, there are people out there that can have a drink every now and then and not take it to a darker level, but for me it's a struggle. seriously. i want to keep going.
regardless, i have to be a good girl and have to be conscious about it. this will mean cutting back whatever's going on during the weekends. i plan to not have a drink till dec 5th when we're going on a hockey road trip; from there, no drinking till the next weekend hockey road trip (have i mentioned that i HATE hockey? jesuschristallfuckingmighty), and then no drinks till the boxing day blowout party, and then new years...and from there i plan to drink only on holidays, since we are planning to go somewhere hot in february and again in march.
i think i can do it...whether my friends get it will be another story and struggle. guaranteed.
squat, lunge, faint
oh god. ashley KILLED us this morning.
she filled in for our regular instructor ali and we did legs today. oh god, the warmup started with walking lunges around the room with 5lb weights and just got worse from there. she kept saying, "ladies, this is just your warm up...we will be doing plenty of lunges"...ffs!!
so it was all plyo-type exercises: froggy jumps, walking lunges, duck walks, squats with and without weights...the only break we got was the calf raise/hammer curl sequence, which i personally LOVE. we dont do nearly enough of those in my book.
i'm not conceited by any means, but i enjoy being up at the front of the class and checking out the muscles in the mirror. i know how that sounds and i'm not intending it to be that way, but when i'm doing squats or what have you, i enjoy looking at the muscles in my legs and seeing what's going on. i always wear shorts to class because i sweat like a bastard, as well as tank tops, both of which provide good views of what you're doing.
when i first started working out, i used old t-shirts and jogging pants and stayed far in the back just hoping never to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. now i'm ok with being up front. it's kind of like my own bubble because nobody wants to be up there, so i dont feel as crowded, nor do i feel compelled to talk to people either. it's awesome.
i've been noticing my right knee giving me some difficulty so i'm going to have to either take it easy on it or do more stretching, or a combo of both. i have a 50 min class tonight at 7, so if it's legs, i am going to be in a world of hurt tomorrow...let's hope it's arms or abs!!
she filled in for our regular instructor ali and we did legs today. oh god, the warmup started with walking lunges around the room with 5lb weights and just got worse from there. she kept saying, "ladies, this is just your warm up...we will be doing plenty of lunges"...ffs!!
so it was all plyo-type exercises: froggy jumps, walking lunges, duck walks, squats with and without weights...the only break we got was the calf raise/hammer curl sequence, which i personally LOVE. we dont do nearly enough of those in my book.
i'm not conceited by any means, but i enjoy being up at the front of the class and checking out the muscles in the mirror. i know how that sounds and i'm not intending it to be that way, but when i'm doing squats or what have you, i enjoy looking at the muscles in my legs and seeing what's going on. i always wear shorts to class because i sweat like a bastard, as well as tank tops, both of which provide good views of what you're doing.
when i first started working out, i used old t-shirts and jogging pants and stayed far in the back just hoping never to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. now i'm ok with being up front. it's kind of like my own bubble because nobody wants to be up there, so i dont feel as crowded, nor do i feel compelled to talk to people either. it's awesome.
i've been noticing my right knee giving me some difficulty so i'm going to have to either take it easy on it or do more stretching, or a combo of both. i have a 50 min class tonight at 7, so if it's legs, i am going to be in a world of hurt tomorrow...let's hope it's arms or abs!!
KB
well, i finally sucked it up and emailed kb and reconnected with her. after a bunch of girl shit and silliness and awkward run-ins, things are back on track. i was reminded by D that sometimes we have to be the bigger person and just reach out to others rather than waiting for them to do it. in this case, kb isnt the type to do the reaching. i can accept that. sometimes you reach, sometimes you are reached out to. (awkward)
i emailed her yesterday afternoon and she responded, which was more than i expected. it sounds like she is taking her life in a newer direction and going to church...i'm trying not to be judgy because we all have to do what we have to do, but organized religion as a whole irritates me. i have a hard time believing in something just because someone at the front of the congregation says so. i also dont appreciate the hypocrisy that goes on in the congregation...either you are walking the talk or you are a fucking hypocrite.
i think it's the way i was raised or something but i have a huge reluctance about church. yes, i appreciate that i converted to cath-o-holic-ism and i really question why i did that. acceptance was not the right answer. i should have waited a while before making that choice and diving in headfirst because i really dont agree with 99% of what they preach. i'm glad i havent set foot in the church since dec 2005.
my dad was quite vocal against being brainwashed by religions. in grade nine i was asked to go to some church youth group thing and it was fun. of course i didnt fit in, but i was happy to be there. before or after (i dont know which), i heard my dad expressing irritation over me possibly being brainwashed and that he didnt need that in the family. i also remember pulling out a bible once during a bad thunderstorm to read some passage or the other (wtf for i will never know) and my mom gave me the stink eye over it. there definitely was a look of disgust on her face when i did that.
anyway, kb is going to church now and leading scrapbooking bible study. i have no idea wtf that is, and i'm not too sure i'd care to find out. i'm sure it's a group of ladies meeting over their scrapbooks and then reading a bible passage or two. sorry to say it, but it's not up my alley at all. i have never been the crafty type. kb is and she's good at it.
so she is taking her life in a positive direction and quitting drinking. she didnt tell me that, but this place is fucking small and people talk. we have a lot of the same friends who have confirmed that to me. her husband, like mine, has a problem with booze. i think she turned to the church and to sobriety to figure shit out. i think it has been incredibly difficult for her because her old drinking friends suddenly have been dropping off the map. i get that because i've lived it too. shit happens.
i think that kb has always been a kinder person and someone i respect. i'm just glad that things are patched up and hopefully we can reconnect.
but not over the bible.
i emailed her yesterday afternoon and she responded, which was more than i expected. it sounds like she is taking her life in a newer direction and going to church...i'm trying not to be judgy because we all have to do what we have to do, but organized religion as a whole irritates me. i have a hard time believing in something just because someone at the front of the congregation says so. i also dont appreciate the hypocrisy that goes on in the congregation...either you are walking the talk or you are a fucking hypocrite.
i think it's the way i was raised or something but i have a huge reluctance about church. yes, i appreciate that i converted to cath-o-holic-ism and i really question why i did that. acceptance was not the right answer. i should have waited a while before making that choice and diving in headfirst because i really dont agree with 99% of what they preach. i'm glad i havent set foot in the church since dec 2005.
my dad was quite vocal against being brainwashed by religions. in grade nine i was asked to go to some church youth group thing and it was fun. of course i didnt fit in, but i was happy to be there. before or after (i dont know which), i heard my dad expressing irritation over me possibly being brainwashed and that he didnt need that in the family. i also remember pulling out a bible once during a bad thunderstorm to read some passage or the other (wtf for i will never know) and my mom gave me the stink eye over it. there definitely was a look of disgust on her face when i did that.
anyway, kb is going to church now and leading scrapbooking bible study. i have no idea wtf that is, and i'm not too sure i'd care to find out. i'm sure it's a group of ladies meeting over their scrapbooks and then reading a bible passage or two. sorry to say it, but it's not up my alley at all. i have never been the crafty type. kb is and she's good at it.
so she is taking her life in a positive direction and quitting drinking. she didnt tell me that, but this place is fucking small and people talk. we have a lot of the same friends who have confirmed that to me. her husband, like mine, has a problem with booze. i think she turned to the church and to sobriety to figure shit out. i think it has been incredibly difficult for her because her old drinking friends suddenly have been dropping off the map. i get that because i've lived it too. shit happens.
i think that kb has always been a kinder person and someone i respect. i'm just glad that things are patched up and hopefully we can reconnect.
but not over the bible.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
eating clean
i'm going to try eating clean for a while here...
what it is is eating food that is natural and without additives. loosely translated, it means that you eat your fruits, veggies, white lean meats. an easier way to translate this is: stay away from packaged goods. so that means no thinsations (which i love), no crackers, no salad dressing (light or otherwise)...basically reconditioning the mind to reach for healthy snacks free of packaging and odd ingredients.
i'm a label reader. i have to be in order to succeed in the diet game. or rather, the lifetstyle change. diet's the bad word. ha.
this diet was proposed by tosca reno, who was a stay at home mom and was miserable. she was overweight, out of shape, and very unhappy. something in her changed, maybe it was a desire for happiness, and she started eating right and exercising. the woman lost a shitload of weight and became a fitness model...all at the age of 40. in short, she is a huge role model for those of us in a slump. check out her story here: http://www.toscareno.com/index.html
i just purchased her eating clean cookbook and i cant wait till it gets here. for now i'm eating sensibly: fruits and veggies at every meal. i've even cut out deli meat, which is high in sodium and various additives i can not pronounce.
sushi, thank god, falls into this eating clean lifestyle...naturally, tempura doesnt. boo!
what it is is eating food that is natural and without additives. loosely translated, it means that you eat your fruits, veggies, white lean meats. an easier way to translate this is: stay away from packaged goods. so that means no thinsations (which i love), no crackers, no salad dressing (light or otherwise)...basically reconditioning the mind to reach for healthy snacks free of packaging and odd ingredients.
i'm a label reader. i have to be in order to succeed in the diet game. or rather, the lifetstyle change. diet's the bad word. ha.
this diet was proposed by tosca reno, who was a stay at home mom and was miserable. she was overweight, out of shape, and very unhappy. something in her changed, maybe it was a desire for happiness, and she started eating right and exercising. the woman lost a shitload of weight and became a fitness model...all at the age of 40. in short, she is a huge role model for those of us in a slump. check out her story here: http://www.toscareno.com/index.html
i just purchased her eating clean cookbook and i cant wait till it gets here. for now i'm eating sensibly: fruits and veggies at every meal. i've even cut out deli meat, which is high in sodium and various additives i can not pronounce.
sushi, thank god, falls into this eating clean lifestyle...naturally, tempura doesnt. boo!
other songs i've just purchased...
- dont stop believin'--glee cast (not bad, i loved this song by journey, so i dont think anyone can really screw it up)
- paparazzi--lady gaga (sounds good initially, but i'm sure that it will be overplayed like "poker face" was and i'll loathe it)
- 3--britney spears (not too sure yet. listened to it once and kinda was left with "meh". i think this is a case for itunes to reconsider the 30 second taste test and let us hear it all the way through, ffs)
- TiK ToK--ke$ha (it has an upbeat tempo and something i can use in the ipod for running)
- evacuate the dance floor--cascada (same as ke$ha's single...upbeat and dance-worthy)
MJ, This is IT
i havent planned on seeing this movie. i'm saddened by mj's death, but i cant bring myself to see this movie/documentary. i am fascinated by michael and what had gone on behind the scenes, but i just dont feel particularly comfortable putting money into the jackson family's pockets. i've heard and read that they are intending to put the three kids on tv in a reality show, all for profit. nevermind mj's efforts to keep them OUT of the spotlight, nevermind that they are just children trying to cope with the fame and death of their father. i think those jacksons are fucking soulless ghouls.
happy freaking hallowe'en indeed. bastards.
i did, however, just purchase his single "They Don't Care About Us". i'm not sure it's the one that was constantly being promoted and played during his death documentaries. as for the song, it's really not that bad and it IS his voice. i just heard the first of several trademark "WOO HOO"s.
i just hope the royalties from this song go to the kids, but knowing joe jackson, i'm sure it will line his kmart suit pocket.
happy freaking hallowe'en indeed. bastards.
i did, however, just purchase his single "They Don't Care About Us". i'm not sure it's the one that was constantly being promoted and played during his death documentaries. as for the song, it's really not that bad and it IS his voice. i just heard the first of several trademark "WOO HOO"s.
i just hope the royalties from this song go to the kids, but knowing joe jackson, i'm sure it will line his kmart suit pocket.
week 7 finished
...of 17.
predictably, ch sat on the couch all day sunday wrapped in a blanket and a test screen pattern thanks to football, beer, and QB1. same with last night. oh he's so conversational between downs during the commercials, always giving me the play by plays. i could probably start a fire upstairs and he wouldnt notice. bloody hell, i get tired of being ignored.
thank god there are no quizzes afterward about what's said because i generally look right at him and dont absorb anything. that's not to say that i dont understand what is being said. i *get* football and i dont mind watching it. what drives me bonzo about it is that he'll change the channel in the middle of a play, always looking for a better game to watch. so one second you're into it, and the next? well ZOINK. there goes that. also? i dont like random stats being shouted out to me as if he was an auctioneer. if i dont know the player, i could care less. i doubt that any interest would be expressed if it was in the reverse with me sharing special information on a subject he has no interest in...i couldnt see it going the opposite way. :/
they're talking about extending the NFL season to 18 or 19 weeks. why not? otherwise i'll be treated to 35 weeks of sulky sundays...33 sounds much more appetizing.
predictably, ch sat on the couch all day sunday wrapped in a blanket and a test screen pattern thanks to football, beer, and QB1. same with last night. oh he's so conversational between downs during the commercials, always giving me the play by plays. i could probably start a fire upstairs and he wouldnt notice. bloody hell, i get tired of being ignored.
thank god there are no quizzes afterward about what's said because i generally look right at him and dont absorb anything. that's not to say that i dont understand what is being said. i *get* football and i dont mind watching it. what drives me bonzo about it is that he'll change the channel in the middle of a play, always looking for a better game to watch. so one second you're into it, and the next? well ZOINK. there goes that. also? i dont like random stats being shouted out to me as if he was an auctioneer. if i dont know the player, i could care less. i doubt that any interest would be expressed if it was in the reverse with me sharing special information on a subject he has no interest in...i couldnt see it going the opposite way. :/
they're talking about extending the NFL season to 18 or 19 weeks. why not? otherwise i'll be treated to 35 weeks of sulky sundays...33 sounds much more appetizing.
rainy day...sushi? why not!
going for sushi with D tonight...cant wait. a nice way to cap off an otherwise blah day.
Monday, October 26, 2009
OMFG.
are the cyruses for real?
in case you dont know who they are, billy ray cyrus used to sing that ridiculous song in the 90's "achy breaky heart". (now is it stuck in your head? sorry!!)
most recently he's been riding on the pigtails of his oldest daughter miley with her successes with the pre-teen sprog set of her show "hannah montana".
this is his nine year old daughter. that's right, NINE.
i just want to puke...
in case you dont know who they are, billy ray cyrus used to sing that ridiculous song in the 90's "achy breaky heart". (now is it stuck in your head? sorry!!)
most recently he's been riding on the pigtails of his oldest daughter miley with her successes with the pre-teen sprog set of her show "hannah montana".
this is his nine year old daughter. that's right, NINE.
i just want to puke...
this is a pedophile's wet dream...and that IS red lipstick on that kid...her fucking canine teeth havent come in yet, for fuck's sake!
jesus christ, what is this world coming to? wake me when it's 2012, will ya?
accountants and bankers
i'm sick of fighting with these fucks.
this past summer i was asked by the accountants how our epsp was going. uhm, what epsp? we signed all these papers last year for them to get it done and spent time and money at the lawyer's doing it as well and since then, nothing has happened. we're totally stalled out.
in the summer someone called here to find out how our epsp was going and i had no clue. phoned the bank and the contact person i was given had since changed jobs. so then i was passed along to another person who did her job and told me that she'd been trying to chase down the lawyer to get his ass in gear. i got two phone calls from her updating me on his non-status and since then, radio silence.
then the accountant starting asking me how it was going again, to which i replied that it wasnt going. again. then some sanctimonious CA from the office started calling me and trying to imply that WE were the ones holding up the process. i dont take kindly to being accused of dragging my feet when i have paid the bill in full less than 10 days after it was issued and i most certainly dont appreciate being accused of holding up the show when it was LEFT IN YOUR HANDS TO FINISH.
so she calls here and then tries to get the bank contact's name and i give her the revised one. and before she hung up, she chided me that the best way to get ahold of me is through email because--and oh i love this--"you never answer your phone". huh. let's get one thing straight here, bitch: i am the one who pays the bills around here and ya know what? sometimes when YOU call, I AM BUSY. i do not think your fucking calls are important enough to interrupt what i'm doing to return them. and YOU do not pay MY bills. i do, so shut the fuck up and leave your judgement for your husband, mkay? bitch.
so then i just got another email from her telling me that i was wrong and that the original contact IS the contact at the bank. well, fuck you, too...i was told it was someone else and i really dont want to get into a fucking pissing match with someone i've never met and really have no desire to meet. so JP, go fuck yourself. i know what i was told, so if you dont like it, fuck off.
this past summer i was asked by the accountants how our epsp was going. uhm, what epsp? we signed all these papers last year for them to get it done and spent time and money at the lawyer's doing it as well and since then, nothing has happened. we're totally stalled out.
in the summer someone called here to find out how our epsp was going and i had no clue. phoned the bank and the contact person i was given had since changed jobs. so then i was passed along to another person who did her job and told me that she'd been trying to chase down the lawyer to get his ass in gear. i got two phone calls from her updating me on his non-status and since then, radio silence.
then the accountant starting asking me how it was going again, to which i replied that it wasnt going. again. then some sanctimonious CA from the office started calling me and trying to imply that WE were the ones holding up the process. i dont take kindly to being accused of dragging my feet when i have paid the bill in full less than 10 days after it was issued and i most certainly dont appreciate being accused of holding up the show when it was LEFT IN YOUR HANDS TO FINISH.
so she calls here and then tries to get the bank contact's name and i give her the revised one. and before she hung up, she chided me that the best way to get ahold of me is through email because--and oh i love this--"you never answer your phone". huh. let's get one thing straight here, bitch: i am the one who pays the bills around here and ya know what? sometimes when YOU call, I AM BUSY. i do not think your fucking calls are important enough to interrupt what i'm doing to return them. and YOU do not pay MY bills. i do, so shut the fuck up and leave your judgement for your husband, mkay? bitch.
so then i just got another email from her telling me that i was wrong and that the original contact IS the contact at the bank. well, fuck you, too...i was told it was someone else and i really dont want to get into a fucking pissing match with someone i've never met and really have no desire to meet. so JP, go fuck yourself. i know what i was told, so if you dont like it, fuck off.
pumpkin patch
what is it with celeb sightings in pumpkin patches? i realise it's a photo opp, but honestly, could they get any more cliche?
so over done and overrated. bleh. move on, already. i could care less if suri-bot is picking out a pumpkin and i could certainly do without the staged pumpkin boobie shots you see all over the internet.
ridiculous.
so over done and overrated. bleh. move on, already. i could care less if suri-bot is picking out a pumpkin and i could certainly do without the staged pumpkin boobie shots you see all over the internet.
ridiculous.
ugh! why do i let you make me feel this way?
ugh.
saw the sil saturday night, fortunately at a neutral place. i was surrounded by friends and sat on the far side of the table from her. that didnt stop her from talking very loudly about her wonderfulness.
when she came in and introduced her cousin, she got to me and said "do you remember tracy?"
i have known this cousin for close to 10 yrs and have seen her on numerous occasions since i started dating my husband. we were even friends on facebook until i recently left. we have been in contact and have met each other more than once.
but the sil has to make me feel as if i'm just some new piece of ass that has recently started seeing her brother. i've been with him nearly 12 yrs now and for fuck's sake, i'm not a new piece, nor has he had a turnstyle in place of his bedroom door.
i sat there and said nothing, but i'm sure my face betrayed me and she got what she wanted.
UGH. why do i allow her to upset me? honestly, she's just a little insignificant troll but sadly, i give her the power.
fucking pisses me right off.
saw the sil saturday night, fortunately at a neutral place. i was surrounded by friends and sat on the far side of the table from her. that didnt stop her from talking very loudly about her wonderfulness.
when she came in and introduced her cousin, she got to me and said "do you remember tracy?"
i have known this cousin for close to 10 yrs and have seen her on numerous occasions since i started dating my husband. we were even friends on facebook until i recently left. we have been in contact and have met each other more than once.
but the sil has to make me feel as if i'm just some new piece of ass that has recently started seeing her brother. i've been with him nearly 12 yrs now and for fuck's sake, i'm not a new piece, nor has he had a turnstyle in place of his bedroom door.
i sat there and said nothing, but i'm sure my face betrayed me and she got what she wanted.
UGH. why do i allow her to upset me? honestly, she's just a little insignificant troll but sadly, i give her the power.
fucking pisses me right off.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Open letter to RDW
heya robin baby,
i miss you. it's been a while since we've talked. i can only assume that it's because your parents were back from palm springs and you were being kept under strict watch. i also figure that you must have a man in your life now and he is occupying most of your time.
i do miss those days of university when we'd hang out at your house drinking caesars and discussing life over simon and garfunkel. or playing truth or jalapeno. or laughing at all the fops who tried so hard just to be cool. oh they were good times. i remember us tearing it up one night on your birthday and all the adventures we had in that god damned nova. insanity. but oh so much fun.
like the tide, we've ebbed and flowed over the years with our friendship. we were separated for a while when i dated dean. i wish i had listened more intently to you back then when you expressed your displeasure and ignored me for the rest of 4th year. why didnt you do that back when i started dating herman? i've had many nightmares about him since...but we werent that tight back then, were we? probably not.
i'm glad we got back together in calgary after graduation. once again we had some awesome times that ended with you telling me that i was basically a loser with no life as you kicked me out of your condo before moving off to seattle in the morning. i didnt forgive you, nor did i heed any of your advice then and i think i still managed to make out ok. but once again, i played the bigger person and contacted you and salvaged whatever was left of the wreck of a friendship.
but this time around you were more damaged than when i saw you last. ravaged by time and boredom, you took to drinking daily and throwing up anything you ate, all to maintain some unrealistic expectation you have for yourself. i know someone did a number on you and it wasnt just danny, robin. i know it is deeper and darker than that, but it's your demon to conquer. i just see it is all.
after rounds of plastic surgeries, lipo, and facial tattooing, you emerged looking more foreign than i remembered. i was almost frightened by what i saw in pictures. you ruined your face with those damned collagen injections, and honey, you were not a lipo candidate.
you kept drinking tho, still trying to fight off loneliness. i know that you are not the kind of girl to want to sit at home and be someone's wife. hey, both dave and i knew it when you got engaged and we wondered why. we knew you were too tough for richard to handle and we knew you'd eat him alive, but you still went on with the wedding. why? was it the 9 thousand dollar ring he gave you? or the chance to get out? i think it was a combination of both, but we could see that it wouldnt last.
maybe if i had been a better friend to you, i could have told you that, instead of idly speculating with dave. i wanted to be so happy for you, but it was hard when i wasnt invited to your wedding. that stung. i thought we were best friends. i wasnt asking to be your bridesmaid, i just wanted to see you get married and be there for that. did you think that i'd drink your free bar dry? really? i can forgive you tho, i really can.
i saw you in person on the flip side, just before heading off to rehab to put the final bandaid on the marriage, which turned out to be the nail in the coffin. i could see you were giving rehab a false try and i know that deep in your heart you really didnt want to be there or believe in it. i knew that you thought you could handle your boozing. i know that deep inside you still want to be that go-to girl, the one who works her balls off in the office 7am-7pm and the girl who parties her balls off all night and gets up and does it all again the next day. i remember you from your 20's...you wanted to be somebody and you'd stop at nothing to get it. i always admired you for that trait, but deep down inside there were cracks in your foundation; cracks that would eventually surface once the booze wore off. i never quite understood how you could have it all at a job, be successful, climb the corporate ladder, and then explode in rage and lose it all after many years of hard work. i never got that.
i think that's what puzzles me most about you is the self sabotage. you will have it all with anything in life but then will do something very deliberate to blow it all away. it's a repetitive pattern, baby, and you completely disregard your mistakes and turn around and make 'em all over again. it's like you are a phoenix who rises from the ash you create to go on to make the same mistakes. oh you will have successes along the way, but it all inevitably turns to ash and fire under your own doing.
here's where i'm gonna get tough with you: grow up. honestly, start doing SOMETHING with yourself and stop repeating stupid shit you did in your 20's. you are nearly 40, and where the meltdowns and epic stories and crises were fun 15yrs ago, they are not so humorous now. you need to stop doing things to deliberately hurt people around you. you dont realise it, but you are killing the rest of us every time you do something to sabotage your future. i personally believe you love the attention sabotage brings and that you are doing it because you feel deprived in some manner.
what always puzzles me is that you are very intelligent, successful, and accomplished when you put your mind to it, but you also work against yourself to undo everything you've done right. it's like you dont want to see yourself succeed and you love the misery and drama that comes with failure. i really dont think your parents help you either. they're enablers who turn a blind eye to your bulimia and alcoholism. i love and respect your parents, but i wish you'd step away from them for once and stop looking to them for approval and just live your damned life.
robin baby, i love ya, but i honestly dont miss the drama. i do mourn for what was, but i know that my future doesnt really have room for constant sabotage. there are times i feel like i was always the faithful friend you treated like a dog: somedays i got a pet, others i got a kick, and i still came back for more. i like to think that i'm more secure and confident than i was in my 20's and that i wont tolerate that treatment now.
in all this i suppose i just wanted to say that i miss you, wish you well, and hope that things have changed for the better for you, but i think i know they havent.
i miss you. it's been a while since we've talked. i can only assume that it's because your parents were back from palm springs and you were being kept under strict watch. i also figure that you must have a man in your life now and he is occupying most of your time.
i do miss those days of university when we'd hang out at your house drinking caesars and discussing life over simon and garfunkel. or playing truth or jalapeno. or laughing at all the fops who tried so hard just to be cool. oh they were good times. i remember us tearing it up one night on your birthday and all the adventures we had in that god damned nova. insanity. but oh so much fun.
like the tide, we've ebbed and flowed over the years with our friendship. we were separated for a while when i dated dean. i wish i had listened more intently to you back then when you expressed your displeasure and ignored me for the rest of 4th year. why didnt you do that back when i started dating herman? i've had many nightmares about him since...but we werent that tight back then, were we? probably not.
i'm glad we got back together in calgary after graduation. once again we had some awesome times that ended with you telling me that i was basically a loser with no life as you kicked me out of your condo before moving off to seattle in the morning. i didnt forgive you, nor did i heed any of your advice then and i think i still managed to make out ok. but once again, i played the bigger person and contacted you and salvaged whatever was left of the wreck of a friendship.
but this time around you were more damaged than when i saw you last. ravaged by time and boredom, you took to drinking daily and throwing up anything you ate, all to maintain some unrealistic expectation you have for yourself. i know someone did a number on you and it wasnt just danny, robin. i know it is deeper and darker than that, but it's your demon to conquer. i just see it is all.
after rounds of plastic surgeries, lipo, and facial tattooing, you emerged looking more foreign than i remembered. i was almost frightened by what i saw in pictures. you ruined your face with those damned collagen injections, and honey, you were not a lipo candidate.
you kept drinking tho, still trying to fight off loneliness. i know that you are not the kind of girl to want to sit at home and be someone's wife. hey, both dave and i knew it when you got engaged and we wondered why. we knew you were too tough for richard to handle and we knew you'd eat him alive, but you still went on with the wedding. why? was it the 9 thousand dollar ring he gave you? or the chance to get out? i think it was a combination of both, but we could see that it wouldnt last.
maybe if i had been a better friend to you, i could have told you that, instead of idly speculating with dave. i wanted to be so happy for you, but it was hard when i wasnt invited to your wedding. that stung. i thought we were best friends. i wasnt asking to be your bridesmaid, i just wanted to see you get married and be there for that. did you think that i'd drink your free bar dry? really? i can forgive you tho, i really can.
i saw you in person on the flip side, just before heading off to rehab to put the final bandaid on the marriage, which turned out to be the nail in the coffin. i could see you were giving rehab a false try and i know that deep in your heart you really didnt want to be there or believe in it. i knew that you thought you could handle your boozing. i know that deep inside you still want to be that go-to girl, the one who works her balls off in the office 7am-7pm and the girl who parties her balls off all night and gets up and does it all again the next day. i remember you from your 20's...you wanted to be somebody and you'd stop at nothing to get it. i always admired you for that trait, but deep down inside there were cracks in your foundation; cracks that would eventually surface once the booze wore off. i never quite understood how you could have it all at a job, be successful, climb the corporate ladder, and then explode in rage and lose it all after many years of hard work. i never got that.
i think that's what puzzles me most about you is the self sabotage. you will have it all with anything in life but then will do something very deliberate to blow it all away. it's a repetitive pattern, baby, and you completely disregard your mistakes and turn around and make 'em all over again. it's like you are a phoenix who rises from the ash you create to go on to make the same mistakes. oh you will have successes along the way, but it all inevitably turns to ash and fire under your own doing.
here's where i'm gonna get tough with you: grow up. honestly, start doing SOMETHING with yourself and stop repeating stupid shit you did in your 20's. you are nearly 40, and where the meltdowns and epic stories and crises were fun 15yrs ago, they are not so humorous now. you need to stop doing things to deliberately hurt people around you. you dont realise it, but you are killing the rest of us every time you do something to sabotage your future. i personally believe you love the attention sabotage brings and that you are doing it because you feel deprived in some manner.
what always puzzles me is that you are very intelligent, successful, and accomplished when you put your mind to it, but you also work against yourself to undo everything you've done right. it's like you dont want to see yourself succeed and you love the misery and drama that comes with failure. i really dont think your parents help you either. they're enablers who turn a blind eye to your bulimia and alcoholism. i love and respect your parents, but i wish you'd step away from them for once and stop looking to them for approval and just live your damned life.
robin baby, i love ya, but i honestly dont miss the drama. i do mourn for what was, but i know that my future doesnt really have room for constant sabotage. there are times i feel like i was always the faithful friend you treated like a dog: somedays i got a pet, others i got a kick, and i still came back for more. i like to think that i'm more secure and confident than i was in my 20's and that i wont tolerate that treatment now.
in all this i suppose i just wanted to say that i miss you, wish you well, and hope that things have changed for the better for you, but i think i know they havent.
saturday night
the sil is having a cousin in and wants us to come over and sit there and have a few drinks. quite frankly, i'd rather sit alone in my house than listen to the sil brag about being "drunk with power" at her new job or yammer endlessly on about how awesome she is and how shitty everyone else in the world is in comparison. nobody will get a word in edgewise in the 2+hrs we will be sitting there, despite none of us seeing the cousin since our wedding.
i plan on flat out saying NO to ch when he asks me to go along and i know i'll receive the silent treatment. for some reason he always has it in his head that i have to accompany him to any and all family functions. in the meantime he has no interest whatsoever in attending any family functions, never has a legit excuse as to why not, and i never really call him out on it either. i probably should have but at times i figure it's just so much easier to leave him here than to drag him along with him protesting the entire way and once there, sitting in a corner expecting me to entertain him all night long so he isnt *bored* or fucking well having to deal with him constantly watching his watch and wanting to make a fast escape. nevermind that i may not have seen any of these people since a decade ago and havent made my rounds, HE is bored. sometimes it's much easier to leave him at home and then go and enjoy myself without having to hear about it later: "you left me there and i had nobody to talk to" or "i was so bored, i wanted to go hours ago, but you are evil". oh it happens.
conversely, i attend all his family crap, even tho i'd rather be strapped to a chair and made to watch "hanna montana" reruns. i attend pleasantly, make chit chat with people, and dont pout going or coming from said events. honestly, i could win an oscar for my appearances in a family drama, i really could. to say i'm a good sport is putting it mildly.
what gets me down about a lot of the H family get togethers are that they're incredibly rude. for instance, we will all go out for dinner (just the mil, sil, fil, and ch and i) and they will all conversate within their own dynamic and exclude me. so it will be ch and his father having a deep discussion about work or what have you, clearly a private conversation, and then the mil and sil will start in with their topic of choice that is usually about something they've done together, something you can not possibly contribute to because you were not there on their annual trip to disneyland (yes, they do that and i think it's incredibly ODD). so i'll just be sitting there in my own world and all of them are completely oblivious to the fact that they havent included me in a conversation.
i like to think that when i'm out with a friend and have someone coming along who isnt entirely familiar with that friend, that i include them in conversations or try to steer the conversation toward something we all can discuss. not so with the female inlaws. i had particularly noticed it after my wedding shower when we came back to the house with them and my sister and a friend. the four of them sat around the kitchen table and had coffee. my kitchen table is incredibly small, so there isnt a lot of room for much else beyond your plate and a glass...in other words, it's a tight setting. the mil and sil immediately launched into a conversation that only included them while my sister and her friend sat there trying to either contribute (which was rebuked by them talking OVER my sister) or trying to follow along, but can you really contribute to a conversation that goes something like this:
mil: wasnt that funny, that one time in disneyland?
sil: (laughing) oh yeah, THAT time...hilarious.
[inane tittering and giggling commences]
seriously, their conversations are much like that. you have had to be there to get it, otherwise it's pointless to even try to pretend to know (or care) what they are discussing. but it's definitely uncomfortable to sit there amidst such blatant rude behaviour,especially when you are trapped into sitting there for an hour plus for dinner. occasionally my father in law will emerge from the conversation and notice that nobody's talking to me and he will ask me a question. usually it's something inane or uncomfortable like "how often do you vacuum" or "when are YOU going to put a roof over your deck" and the entire table will stop to listen to my response, as if i've suddenly appeared at the table like a spectre. i will immediately feel uncomfortable because they will all stop and stare and my stupid husband wont come to my defense to help answer the question, but rather takes on the form of a juror or interrogation panel member as i'm quizzed about inane and irrelevant subjects that i firmly believe they will rehash in their nightly phone home to mommy calls.
regardless, every family dinner goes that way. even if it is just ch and the sil, they will talk about inane and boring things like how the flames are doing, or go ON about sports and conversations that are not all-inclusive. i tend to think that it's their way of reiterating that you dont quite belong in this exclusive and wonderful club they've created for themselves and i think they just enjoy making it blindly obvious that you dont fit in.
there are times where i truly just want to get up from the table and leave. i doubt anyone would notice either, except for when it came time to brag about how drunk with power someone is. most of the time, i sit there and try to conjure up memories of discussions i've had with people who make me laugh, and as a result, i'll often start giggling to myself or snickering. mostly, i just think about therapy and make mental notes about how i've got to talk about this with my therapist in the next session.
as for tonight, i really hope i can just get out of going by just saying that i dont want to be there. do i like ch's cousins? for the most part, yes. they are all harmless people. incredibly dull, but harmless. but just because they're harmless doesnt mean i want to endure hours of shameless self promotion by the narcissist of the family either. i saw her two weeks ago and that was enough. i should be good for another six months.
i plan on flat out saying NO to ch when he asks me to go along and i know i'll receive the silent treatment. for some reason he always has it in his head that i have to accompany him to any and all family functions. in the meantime he has no interest whatsoever in attending any family functions, never has a legit excuse as to why not, and i never really call him out on it either. i probably should have but at times i figure it's just so much easier to leave him here than to drag him along with him protesting the entire way and once there, sitting in a corner expecting me to entertain him all night long so he isnt *bored* or fucking well having to deal with him constantly watching his watch and wanting to make a fast escape. nevermind that i may not have seen any of these people since a decade ago and havent made my rounds, HE is bored. sometimes it's much easier to leave him at home and then go and enjoy myself without having to hear about it later: "you left me there and i had nobody to talk to" or "i was so bored, i wanted to go hours ago, but you are evil". oh it happens.
conversely, i attend all his family crap, even tho i'd rather be strapped to a chair and made to watch "hanna montana" reruns. i attend pleasantly, make chit chat with people, and dont pout going or coming from said events. honestly, i could win an oscar for my appearances in a family drama, i really could. to say i'm a good sport is putting it mildly.
what gets me down about a lot of the H family get togethers are that they're incredibly rude. for instance, we will all go out for dinner (just the mil, sil, fil, and ch and i) and they will all conversate within their own dynamic and exclude me. so it will be ch and his father having a deep discussion about work or what have you, clearly a private conversation, and then the mil and sil will start in with their topic of choice that is usually about something they've done together, something you can not possibly contribute to because you were not there on their annual trip to disneyland (yes, they do that and i think it's incredibly ODD). so i'll just be sitting there in my own world and all of them are completely oblivious to the fact that they havent included me in a conversation.
i like to think that when i'm out with a friend and have someone coming along who isnt entirely familiar with that friend, that i include them in conversations or try to steer the conversation toward something we all can discuss. not so with the female inlaws. i had particularly noticed it after my wedding shower when we came back to the house with them and my sister and a friend. the four of them sat around the kitchen table and had coffee. my kitchen table is incredibly small, so there isnt a lot of room for much else beyond your plate and a glass...in other words, it's a tight setting. the mil and sil immediately launched into a conversation that only included them while my sister and her friend sat there trying to either contribute (which was rebuked by them talking OVER my sister) or trying to follow along, but can you really contribute to a conversation that goes something like this:
mil: wasnt that funny, that one time in disneyland?
sil: (laughing) oh yeah, THAT time...hilarious.
[inane tittering and giggling commences]
seriously, their conversations are much like that. you have had to be there to get it, otherwise it's pointless to even try to pretend to know (or care) what they are discussing. but it's definitely uncomfortable to sit there amidst such blatant rude behaviour,especially when you are trapped into sitting there for an hour plus for dinner. occasionally my father in law will emerge from the conversation and notice that nobody's talking to me and he will ask me a question. usually it's something inane or uncomfortable like "how often do you vacuum" or "when are YOU going to put a roof over your deck" and the entire table will stop to listen to my response, as if i've suddenly appeared at the table like a spectre. i will immediately feel uncomfortable because they will all stop and stare and my stupid husband wont come to my defense to help answer the question, but rather takes on the form of a juror or interrogation panel member as i'm quizzed about inane and irrelevant subjects that i firmly believe they will rehash in their nightly phone home to mommy calls.
regardless, every family dinner goes that way. even if it is just ch and the sil, they will talk about inane and boring things like how the flames are doing, or go ON about sports and conversations that are not all-inclusive. i tend to think that it's their way of reiterating that you dont quite belong in this exclusive and wonderful club they've created for themselves and i think they just enjoy making it blindly obvious that you dont fit in.
there are times where i truly just want to get up from the table and leave. i doubt anyone would notice either, except for when it came time to brag about how drunk with power someone is. most of the time, i sit there and try to conjure up memories of discussions i've had with people who make me laugh, and as a result, i'll often start giggling to myself or snickering. mostly, i just think about therapy and make mental notes about how i've got to talk about this with my therapist in the next session.
as for tonight, i really hope i can just get out of going by just saying that i dont want to be there. do i like ch's cousins? for the most part, yes. they are all harmless people. incredibly dull, but harmless. but just because they're harmless doesnt mean i want to endure hours of shameless self promotion by the narcissist of the family either. i saw her two weeks ago and that was enough. i should be good for another six months.
in the last 24hrs...
i've:
*slept
*eaten profuse amounts of food for which i'll be exercising like a mad demon later
*felt guilty
*come up with excuses
*cleaned dog shit and vomit off the carpet
*cussed internally toward my husband for stepping OVER said shit and vomit
*typed emails
*surfed the net
*thought long and hard about escapism
*sneezed
*drank coffee till i vibrated
*driven like a maniac and resisted the urge to hold down the horn while doing so
*sent text messages
*gossiped
*thought about becoming a better person but decided to procrastinate on that one for a while
*shopped
*wondered just how hard eating clean is going to be
*wished i could be anywhere but here at this very second
*slept
*eaten profuse amounts of food for which i'll be exercising like a mad demon later
*felt guilty
*come up with excuses
*cleaned dog shit and vomit off the carpet
*cussed internally toward my husband for stepping OVER said shit and vomit
*typed emails
*surfed the net
*thought long and hard about escapism
*sneezed
*drank coffee till i vibrated
*driven like a maniac and resisted the urge to hold down the horn while doing so
*sent text messages
*gossiped
*thought about becoming a better person but decided to procrastinate on that one for a while
*shopped
*wondered just how hard eating clean is going to be
*wished i could be anywhere but here at this very second
nerve.com
just read a great article from nerve this morning about catholicism and sex.
i think this quote sums it up perfectly:
Now, you have a few options. You either:
1) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you couldn't care less about and never get pregnant because somehow God has chosen YOU to be the patron saint of pulling out.
2) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you think you care a lot about and then one of them gets you pregnant and you decide to have the baby, because Saint Catherine has taught us that abortions are badbadbad and even worse than premarital sex. And because you feel as if you are responsible enough to put your child through the same Catholic bullshit nightmare that you yourself had to endure.
3) Have straight sex, gay sex, queer sex, and self sex and never get pregnant because God doesn't want you to introduce the fucking antichrist into the world, because He knows Damien will definitely come from your wayward-ass vagina. Step into a Catholic church only a few times after your confirmation — only because of familial obligations — and each time, get scared that you will turn into a pillar of salt, a pile of ashes, a three-headed anteater or some shit like that because you now know, in the depths of your dark, atheist soul — you know, like in the pit of your stomach, that part that compels you to smoke lots of weed and have sex in public libraries — that you hate Catholicism and you LOVE being pro-choice.
you can view the entire article here: http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/maldonado/sex-catholicism-and-me/
(i'm looking over my shoulder as i write this but i'm definitely option 3. just sayin')
i think this quote sums it up perfectly:
Now, you have a few options. You either:
1) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you couldn't care less about and never get pregnant because somehow God has chosen YOU to be the patron saint of pulling out.
2) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you think you care a lot about and then one of them gets you pregnant and you decide to have the baby, because Saint Catherine has taught us that abortions are badbadbad and even worse than premarital sex. And because you feel as if you are responsible enough to put your child through the same Catholic bullshit nightmare that you yourself had to endure.
3) Have straight sex, gay sex, queer sex, and self sex and never get pregnant because God doesn't want you to introduce the fucking antichrist into the world, because He knows Damien will definitely come from your wayward-ass vagina. Step into a Catholic church only a few times after your confirmation — only because of familial obligations — and each time, get scared that you will turn into a pillar of salt, a pile of ashes, a three-headed anteater or some shit like that because you now know, in the depths of your dark, atheist soul — you know, like in the pit of your stomach, that part that compels you to smoke lots of weed and have sex in public libraries — that you hate Catholicism and you LOVE being pro-choice.
you can view the entire article here: http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/maldonado/sex-catholicism-and-me/
(i'm looking over my shoulder as i write this but i'm definitely option 3. just sayin')
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Jason Plumb
i had the opportunity to see jason play back in early 2005. he was amazing. i'd never heard of him before, but loved his stuff immediately. i also had the pleasure to meet him and have a good laugh with him, as well as get an autographed cd.
this song is one of my favourites and should have been our wedding song.
this song is one of my favourites and should have been our wedding song.
Cats
here are my cats...
tasha, whom i've had since november 1994. i think she picked me, rather than the other way around. from the minute i took her out of the cage at the spca, we were friends. to this day, she will follow me around the house like a good ol' puppy-cat.
tasha, whom i've had since november 1994. i think she picked me, rather than the other way around. from the minute i took her out of the cage at the spca, we were friends. to this day, she will follow me around the house like a good ol' puppy-cat.
and here's sid. i've had her since the spring of 1995 and got her as a companion to tasha. i dont think tasha would be happy as the only cat in the house. to say that sid is overweight is not doing it justice.
Dogs
damn dogs have my heart. they might puke, shit, and piss on random and expensive objects, but they have my heart in their smelly little dog paws.
this is czar in her favourite place to sleep, looking absolutely put out by me intruding on her doggy dreams:
this is czar in her favourite place to sleep, looking absolutely put out by me intruding on her doggy dreams:
and here's hudson at the top of the stairs watching for "big ones" and "See 'emmm"s in the park across the street:
great timing. not.
i think i'm getting sick. like, just noticed it 10 mins ago. great.
i have the gym tonight at 7:15 and i'm thinking i might have to miss it. shit.
lately i've been hearing a lot about oil of oregano. my parents swear by it, as do some of my other friends. i think i'm going to go out and get it.
seriously, as i type this, i am feeling progressively worse.
dammit.
i have the gym tonight at 7:15 and i'm thinking i might have to miss it. shit.
lately i've been hearing a lot about oil of oregano. my parents swear by it, as do some of my other friends. i think i'm going to go out and get it.
seriously, as i type this, i am feeling progressively worse.
dammit.
Alley Kat. Meow!
i found alley kat here. i'm stoked.
not a lot of things make it here to the desert, but i was fortunate enough to hear through the grapevine that alley kat beer is sold in a local beerstore. excited, i headed down there today to see. they had my favourite: "Aprikat" which combines the deliciousness of beer with a freshly picked apricot. taste it and you will know what i'm talking about.
the second 6 pack i purchased was their "Pumpkin Pi" beer, which i'm told tastes like a fresh slice of pumpkin pie. i can not wait to taste this and will be giving a brief review tomorrow.
http://www.alleykatbeer.com/
not a lot of things make it here to the desert, but i was fortunate enough to hear through the grapevine that alley kat beer is sold in a local beerstore. excited, i headed down there today to see. they had my favourite: "Aprikat" which combines the deliciousness of beer with a freshly picked apricot. taste it and you will know what i'm talking about.
the second 6 pack i purchased was their "Pumpkin Pi" beer, which i'm told tastes like a fresh slice of pumpkin pie. i can not wait to taste this and will be giving a brief review tomorrow.
http://www.alleykatbeer.com/
A Low Vera/Allow Vera/Aloe Vera
i bought an aloe plant from home depot approximately 1 1/2 yrs ago. at the time it was about 6 inches tall. i bought it because succulents are easy enough to take care of and i also remember my grandpa c had quite a few of them.
the largest "domesticated" (for lack of a better word) aloe i've seen is in robin's parents' place. it's huge. unmoveable. insane. something you'd swear you'd see in the middle of a desert, than in a livingroom.
i believe my aloe is well on its way to that size. it's easily doubled if not tripled its original size. currently it sits in my southeast kitchen window nook by my sink. it has a window on the east and south side of it, so it gets the early morning sun, as well as some afternoon sun and heat. i think it's incredibly happy there.
recently a stalk resembling an asparagus has emerged from the centre of the plant. i've never seen anything like it before, but i believe it's going to bloom...i've never heard of domestic aloes blooming. obviously my "FEED ME SEYMOR" plant is thriving.
what's next tho? will it want to be fed meat?
the largest "domesticated" (for lack of a better word) aloe i've seen is in robin's parents' place. it's huge. unmoveable. insane. something you'd swear you'd see in the middle of a desert, than in a livingroom.
i believe my aloe is well on its way to that size. it's easily doubled if not tripled its original size. currently it sits in my southeast kitchen window nook by my sink. it has a window on the east and south side of it, so it gets the early morning sun, as well as some afternoon sun and heat. i think it's incredibly happy there.
recently a stalk resembling an asparagus has emerged from the centre of the plant. i've never seen anything like it before, but i believe it's going to bloom...i've never heard of domestic aloes blooming. obviously my "FEED ME SEYMOR" plant is thriving.
what's next tho? will it want to be fed meat?
Sundowns on the prairies
these were taken a few weeks ago.
sometimes the desert is absolutley gorgeous.
sometimes the desert is absolutley gorgeous.
Renos are done!
i'm done!
WOO!
i finally broke down and called someone to do the final flooring and baseboards. it was too much for me to take on. i had complained to michelle, telling her how frustrated i felt and she said that one of her clients was a handyman and had given her a pile of cards, and told me i should call him.
well, it turned out wonderfully. "the In-Sehn Handyman" was truly awesome. very meticulous, hard working, and a perfectionist. a really nice guy who just happens to be related to us. who knew? it seems like 90% of this city is related to ch in some manner. this guy's wife happens to be a pseudo cousin to ch. small towns. jesus. anyway for less than $250 and 7 and three quarters of an hour's work, he was finished.
i think it looks beautiful.
WOO!
i finally broke down and called someone to do the final flooring and baseboards. it was too much for me to take on. i had complained to michelle, telling her how frustrated i felt and she said that one of her clients was a handyman and had given her a pile of cards, and told me i should call him.
well, it turned out wonderfully. "the In-Sehn Handyman" was truly awesome. very meticulous, hard working, and a perfectionist. a really nice guy who just happens to be related to us. who knew? it seems like 90% of this city is related to ch in some manner. this guy's wife happens to be a pseudo cousin to ch. small towns. jesus. anyway for less than $250 and 7 and three quarters of an hour's work, he was finished.
i think it looks beautiful.
the next step for me is hanging pictures. i'm going to attempt to do a photo wall. wish me luck!
Fitness decisions
well, we are drawing to the close of another 8 week session. i think tomorrow is the last class before classes start up in november, but i'm not sure. there are always rumblings, but you never quite hear the truth. i've heard variations on it many times over the last couple of days...does it end friday or not? ugh. i'm not hauling my ass out of bed at 5:30 on monday if that is not the case.
i dont know what i'm going to do for november/december. i was debating about taking the 6am bikini boot camp, but it means shelling out $250, versus the free classes i currently take. and with bikini, you are forbidden to eat or drink certain items, and i know there are quite a few occasions coming up where i'd be expected to partake, so really...is it worth shelling out that kind of money, only to let yourself down? not really. as it is, i know what i should be doing and i do journal daily, so i think i'm on the right track.
the other day, as added incentive, i decided to try on all the dresses in my closet. well, the one i specifically use to measure progress was not comfortable at all. when i bought it back in january of 09, it was a bit snug. i had purchased it especially for our final dinner at our work convention in mexico and by the time i got to mexico, it fit wonderfully and was comfortable. i can not say the same now: there is NO way i could sit down in it without hearing a big RIP! and sure, i probably could go out and buy spanx, but why when i know that i can diet and exercise. all it means from me is being more diligent and careful and maybe staying away from the pub on friday nights, or at the very least, staying away from schooners and drinking water instead. terribly boring, but it does help.
so that is where i stand now in terms of motivation. that black dress HAS TO fit by the beginning of march when our next convention comes around. we're going to maui, so i want to tighten up. i realise that genetics might play into it and wreak havoc in terms of expecting ALL the muffin top and fat ass to go away, but if i could reduce *some* of it and fit comfortably back into my black dress (the proverbial measuring stick of success or failure), then i would be infinitely happy.
all i know is that i have to WORK HARDER. there is no other option.
i dont know what i'm going to do for november/december. i was debating about taking the 6am bikini boot camp, but it means shelling out $250, versus the free classes i currently take. and with bikini, you are forbidden to eat or drink certain items, and i know there are quite a few occasions coming up where i'd be expected to partake, so really...is it worth shelling out that kind of money, only to let yourself down? not really. as it is, i know what i should be doing and i do journal daily, so i think i'm on the right track.
the other day, as added incentive, i decided to try on all the dresses in my closet. well, the one i specifically use to measure progress was not comfortable at all. when i bought it back in january of 09, it was a bit snug. i had purchased it especially for our final dinner at our work convention in mexico and by the time i got to mexico, it fit wonderfully and was comfortable. i can not say the same now: there is NO way i could sit down in it without hearing a big RIP! and sure, i probably could go out and buy spanx, but why when i know that i can diet and exercise. all it means from me is being more diligent and careful and maybe staying away from the pub on friday nights, or at the very least, staying away from schooners and drinking water instead. terribly boring, but it does help.
so that is where i stand now in terms of motivation. that black dress HAS TO fit by the beginning of march when our next convention comes around. we're going to maui, so i want to tighten up. i realise that genetics might play into it and wreak havoc in terms of expecting ALL the muffin top and fat ass to go away, but if i could reduce *some* of it and fit comfortably back into my black dress (the proverbial measuring stick of success or failure), then i would be infinitely happy.
all i know is that i have to WORK HARDER. there is no other option.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Chicken curry part deux
i tried it, i liked it. very filling.
chris did not try, didnt like.
called it!
chris did not try, didnt like.
called it!
My mother
my mom loves to talk and loves a rapt audience. it can be about anything from the weather to neighbourly gossip, but she is always talking. i have mastered an art of pretending to listen, while inwardly wincing at the volume and tone of her voice. at those moments, i can cluck and respond appropriately while not paying the slightest bit of attention to her. it's an act i've had many years to perfect and i'm damned good at it.
talking about yesterday's pickle story reminded me of many foods that were not ever seen within the four walls of our home. i never touched a kiwi fruit until i was long out of the house. mom never would buy it for unknown reasons. same with peppers. i always had a preconcieved notion that they were disgusting. quite the opposite. i find both food items to be particularly curious and i have no idea why she balked at buying them but she did. now they are staples in my diet.
mom went through many bizzare phases, one of which was buying powdered milk instead of the real deal. it was disgusting and i could barely choke it down. it was never mixed quite right, always weak, with stupid unblended chunks floating lazily on the top. those things got me gagging each time. she also had a desire to force us into eating liver. neither of us would eat it and she knew it, yet she continued to serve it and force us to sit there until it was gone. let me tell you that there were plenty of nights where i sat alone in the kitchen stubbornly refusing to touch that disgusting piece of organ meat. even she would admit she hated it, yet she still cooked it, claiming it was for dad...why she never made a separate meal for us is beyond my comprehension.
i swear my mom had some kind of perverse desire to save every penny while spending irrationally in other areas. at dinner she would go on about how cheaply she made it and how every single solitary item "only cost" ___. every. single.dinner. and because my mom loved to have an audience, she had three willing listeners. i dont remember anyone ever commenting back to her how wonderful it was that she saved the family money each meal. my dad never said anything and thinking back now, we were so conditioned to her pleasure with herself that we tuned it out.
on the flip side, mom would buy craft supplies till we were literally tripping over them all throughout the house. in corners, on tables, in bags we'd find balls and balls of wood and thread. also in those bags were pattern books and dog eared corners of cross stitch patterns she was aching to try. when i recall that, i wonder how many hundreds she spent on this stuff while completely cheaping out on dinner and providing things for us.
in grade 9 i had TWO pairs of pants, which was completely fine in her eyes. TWO. one pair of jeans, one pair of leggings. she didnt give one red hot damn either. so i'd wear the jeans monday, wednesday, and friday and the green leggings tuesday and thursdays every single week of grade nine. it was terrible. god only knows why she let me do that, all while coming home each week with a new knitting or cross stitching project. it was like she was trying to torture or punish us for some imaginable hurt. in our home ec class i made an ugly pair of pink sweatpants and she figured that solved my fashion dilemma and to stop complaining about not having clothing. afterall, she did spent thousands (in her eyes) on the material and supplies to make those fucking things. you can bet that the fabric was bought in the discount bin...and really, how much IS elastic for a skinny grade niner's waist? you do the math.
i remember when she'd fight with dad because she always dragged us into it as if we had a place there by her side to defend her. all day long we'd listen to her berate and complain about my dad and because i was gullible and naive (there probably wasnt a more gullible kid on earth back then), i believed her and sided with her. so dad would walk in the door from work and i wouldnt talk to him. meanwhile, she would act as if nothing was wrong and be pleasant and happy and it would be on my 11yr old brain to try to figure all that out. how confusing and utterly unfair. i'm just grateful that they stayed married because i'm sure that had they divorced, i'd never have talked to my dad because of the lies she would have told.
one fight in particular resonates with my sister and i. it was in the 80's sometime, back when wearing fur was de rigeur and chic. grandma always had fur coats and i think her daughter got one, which just got my mom's goat. now she HAD to have one and it became her quest to attain it. she went on to jan and i, trying to justify why she wanted one. her reasoning was that she was allowed to feel special and beautiful the same way our aunts did and it was her right. nevermind that the coats cost $3000, nevermind that her kids were outfitted in hand me downs and our dinners were nickled and dimed, she had a right to wear fur. on a saturday she even dragged us into the bay in southcentre mall and looked at fur coats and picked out the one she wanted. i remember being terribly bored by it all but wanting to run my hands over each soft coat. i think it all culminated in her pleading her case all the way up to calgary, a case, i might add, that was soundly ignored by my dad.
i think she pouted for a good long while and then set her sights on something else.
meanwhile, i retreated to my room, no doubt in my green leggings.
talking about yesterday's pickle story reminded me of many foods that were not ever seen within the four walls of our home. i never touched a kiwi fruit until i was long out of the house. mom never would buy it for unknown reasons. same with peppers. i always had a preconcieved notion that they were disgusting. quite the opposite. i find both food items to be particularly curious and i have no idea why she balked at buying them but she did. now they are staples in my diet.
mom went through many bizzare phases, one of which was buying powdered milk instead of the real deal. it was disgusting and i could barely choke it down. it was never mixed quite right, always weak, with stupid unblended chunks floating lazily on the top. those things got me gagging each time. she also had a desire to force us into eating liver. neither of us would eat it and she knew it, yet she continued to serve it and force us to sit there until it was gone. let me tell you that there were plenty of nights where i sat alone in the kitchen stubbornly refusing to touch that disgusting piece of organ meat. even she would admit she hated it, yet she still cooked it, claiming it was for dad...why she never made a separate meal for us is beyond my comprehension.
i swear my mom had some kind of perverse desire to save every penny while spending irrationally in other areas. at dinner she would go on about how cheaply she made it and how every single solitary item "only cost" ___. every. single.dinner. and because my mom loved to have an audience, she had three willing listeners. i dont remember anyone ever commenting back to her how wonderful it was that she saved the family money each meal. my dad never said anything and thinking back now, we were so conditioned to her pleasure with herself that we tuned it out.
on the flip side, mom would buy craft supplies till we were literally tripping over them all throughout the house. in corners, on tables, in bags we'd find balls and balls of wood and thread. also in those bags were pattern books and dog eared corners of cross stitch patterns she was aching to try. when i recall that, i wonder how many hundreds she spent on this stuff while completely cheaping out on dinner and providing things for us.
in grade 9 i had TWO pairs of pants, which was completely fine in her eyes. TWO. one pair of jeans, one pair of leggings. she didnt give one red hot damn either. so i'd wear the jeans monday, wednesday, and friday and the green leggings tuesday and thursdays every single week of grade nine. it was terrible. god only knows why she let me do that, all while coming home each week with a new knitting or cross stitching project. it was like she was trying to torture or punish us for some imaginable hurt. in our home ec class i made an ugly pair of pink sweatpants and she figured that solved my fashion dilemma and to stop complaining about not having clothing. afterall, she did spent thousands (in her eyes) on the material and supplies to make those fucking things. you can bet that the fabric was bought in the discount bin...and really, how much IS elastic for a skinny grade niner's waist? you do the math.
i remember when she'd fight with dad because she always dragged us into it as if we had a place there by her side to defend her. all day long we'd listen to her berate and complain about my dad and because i was gullible and naive (there probably wasnt a more gullible kid on earth back then), i believed her and sided with her. so dad would walk in the door from work and i wouldnt talk to him. meanwhile, she would act as if nothing was wrong and be pleasant and happy and it would be on my 11yr old brain to try to figure all that out. how confusing and utterly unfair. i'm just grateful that they stayed married because i'm sure that had they divorced, i'd never have talked to my dad because of the lies she would have told.
one fight in particular resonates with my sister and i. it was in the 80's sometime, back when wearing fur was de rigeur and chic. grandma always had fur coats and i think her daughter got one, which just got my mom's goat. now she HAD to have one and it became her quest to attain it. she went on to jan and i, trying to justify why she wanted one. her reasoning was that she was allowed to feel special and beautiful the same way our aunts did and it was her right. nevermind that the coats cost $3000, nevermind that her kids were outfitted in hand me downs and our dinners were nickled and dimed, she had a right to wear fur. on a saturday she even dragged us into the bay in southcentre mall and looked at fur coats and picked out the one she wanted. i remember being terribly bored by it all but wanting to run my hands over each soft coat. i think it all culminated in her pleading her case all the way up to calgary, a case, i might add, that was soundly ignored by my dad.
i think she pouted for a good long while and then set her sights on something else.
meanwhile, i retreated to my room, no doubt in my green leggings.
Chicken curry
tonight i'm trying it. i think that ch is an indian food virgin. this might not go well.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thinking of Miss Bossy tonight
and remembering that it was a year ago she lost her mom to breast cancer.
my thoughts are with you...
xoxo
my thoughts are with you...
xoxo
Random thoughts
i bit into a dill pickle tonight and immediately had flashbacks to visiting my grandma's house.
i think that's where i had my first dill pickle and i became addicted to them right then and there. so crunchy, salty, dilly...oh i loved biting into them.
for some reason my parents never bought that stuff. it was like a forbidden item in our house, so i would count down till saturdays so i could eat dill pickles at grandma's house. it was fun, up till the point of my dad showing me the nutritional information once, killing any and all joy there might have been in a solitary crunch.
i remember we were at the foothills hospital for some reason and i'm sure it was to visit either grandpa or grandma. there was a summer once where both of them were simultaneously sick and we were staying at their house and making frequent visits up to the hospital to see them. for what seemed like an eternity, our family played house there one summer.
we'd go up to the hospital and see the grandparents who werent in the same room. that always perplexed me. i remember seeing grandma hooked up to her iv, always a perpetual pest to the nurses, claiming she'd just turn up her iv to make it flow faster so that she'd get it off her veiny wrist sooner. the nurses would come in, tell her to leave it alone, and turn the iv back down. she'd just sass them back and wait till they disappeared and turn it back up. as i look back, i laugh at how much of a devil she could be. full of piss and vinegar.
it was on one of those visits where my dad took me on a field trip to show me the nutritional info, basically showing me that my days of eating pickles was approaching its eternal sunset. that fucking killjoy. i might have been 10 or less at that point, but i remember hating him for ruining what i considered a good thing.
eating tonight's pickle reminded me of all the goodies i'd find at grandma's: REAL butter on the counter, a tall cupboard full of syrups, spices, and wonderful smelling things, all things never found in my house back in herronton. i'd go snooping at times, a totally forbidden activity for which i was often punished. on one occasion, my father caught me red handed as i was going through that cupboard full of curiousities in their blue bathroom. he said nothing, but returned moments later to tell me that grandma wanted to talk to me. and when i came outside, she was lounging on the west lawn in the sun with her sunglasses on. i couldnt see her eyes, but i knew they were cold. she scolded me, told me i was naughty, made me cry for snooping, all while my dad stood there and listened pleased with himself. that simple act of tattling brought him such joy that i'm sure it reminded him of his childhood with one of his four sibs standing there watching, except it was me on the receiving end.
time may pass but there are certain things that i cant erase from my memory.
all this from a crunch of a dill pickle.
et tu, brute.
i think that's where i had my first dill pickle and i became addicted to them right then and there. so crunchy, salty, dilly...oh i loved biting into them.
for some reason my parents never bought that stuff. it was like a forbidden item in our house, so i would count down till saturdays so i could eat dill pickles at grandma's house. it was fun, up till the point of my dad showing me the nutritional information once, killing any and all joy there might have been in a solitary crunch.
i remember we were at the foothills hospital for some reason and i'm sure it was to visit either grandpa or grandma. there was a summer once where both of them were simultaneously sick and we were staying at their house and making frequent visits up to the hospital to see them. for what seemed like an eternity, our family played house there one summer.
we'd go up to the hospital and see the grandparents who werent in the same room. that always perplexed me. i remember seeing grandma hooked up to her iv, always a perpetual pest to the nurses, claiming she'd just turn up her iv to make it flow faster so that she'd get it off her veiny wrist sooner. the nurses would come in, tell her to leave it alone, and turn the iv back down. she'd just sass them back and wait till they disappeared and turn it back up. as i look back, i laugh at how much of a devil she could be. full of piss and vinegar.
it was on one of those visits where my dad took me on a field trip to show me the nutritional info, basically showing me that my days of eating pickles was approaching its eternal sunset. that fucking killjoy. i might have been 10 or less at that point, but i remember hating him for ruining what i considered a good thing.
eating tonight's pickle reminded me of all the goodies i'd find at grandma's: REAL butter on the counter, a tall cupboard full of syrups, spices, and wonderful smelling things, all things never found in my house back in herronton. i'd go snooping at times, a totally forbidden activity for which i was often punished. on one occasion, my father caught me red handed as i was going through that cupboard full of curiousities in their blue bathroom. he said nothing, but returned moments later to tell me that grandma wanted to talk to me. and when i came outside, she was lounging on the west lawn in the sun with her sunglasses on. i couldnt see her eyes, but i knew they were cold. she scolded me, told me i was naughty, made me cry for snooping, all while my dad stood there and listened pleased with himself. that simple act of tattling brought him such joy that i'm sure it reminded him of his childhood with one of his four sibs standing there watching, except it was me on the receiving end.
time may pass but there are certain things that i cant erase from my memory.
all this from a crunch of a dill pickle.
et tu, brute.
Alone on a Sunday
it can be pretty lonely in the desert.
out here i'm surrounded by aliens pretending to be family.
i feel drained, a stranger in an even stranger land.
they make me feel abnormal, foreign, different, unwelcome.
i retreat, dissect myself, feel inadequate, little.
in rare and wonderful moments i remember good times with family.
laughter at grandma's in her basement, raucous giddy laughter of two pre-teen girls holed up in the bedroom giggling at everything and nothing, while being admonished by strict parents threatening voices from the livingroom.
reconnecting is always wonderful.
we meet over sushi, four grown beautiful women, all with stories and hugs to exchange. laughter, oh the laughter...so soothing.
sharing, talking, eating. i dont want the night to end.
we meet rarely, but when i leave i am reminded that i am not alone in this world.
this family is my normal.
i embrace it and am warmed by it.
normal.
out here i'm surrounded by aliens pretending to be family.
i feel drained, a stranger in an even stranger land.
they make me feel abnormal, foreign, different, unwelcome.
i retreat, dissect myself, feel inadequate, little.
in rare and wonderful moments i remember good times with family.
laughter at grandma's in her basement, raucous giddy laughter of two pre-teen girls holed up in the bedroom giggling at everything and nothing, while being admonished by strict parents threatening voices from the livingroom.
reconnecting is always wonderful.
we meet over sushi, four grown beautiful women, all with stories and hugs to exchange. laughter, oh the laughter...so soothing.
sharing, talking, eating. i dont want the night to end.
we meet rarely, but when i leave i am reminded that i am not alone in this world.
this family is my normal.
i embrace it and am warmed by it.
normal.
Summer 2010
i've been watching a lot of the cooking network lately, mostly out of boredom, but partially because i'm interested in picking up new techniques and ideas for the kitchen.
last summer rhonda had terri and i over for an awesome dinner in her back yard. this year i would like to return the favour.
i've been tossing around the idea of making cedar planked salmon with grilled veggies and sweet potato fries. i just saw a great recipe for mojitos courtesty of "chuck's day off" which consist of watermelon, pineapple and lime. i have to write it down now because there will be no way that i'll remember by the summer.
crush mint and lime together. add in watermelon and pineapple and continue to crush. transfer to a taller receptacle and add sugar cane syrup, ice, and rum. shake and then add pineapple juice and pour into glasses. top off glasses with soda water and a sprig of mint.
i'm not a mojito girl, but this does sound yummy. i will just have to figure out a dessert and we will be all set!!
cheers until summer...
last summer rhonda had terri and i over for an awesome dinner in her back yard. this year i would like to return the favour.
i've been tossing around the idea of making cedar planked salmon with grilled veggies and sweet potato fries. i just saw a great recipe for mojitos courtesty of "chuck's day off" which consist of watermelon, pineapple and lime. i have to write it down now because there will be no way that i'll remember by the summer.
crush mint and lime together. add in watermelon and pineapple and continue to crush. transfer to a taller receptacle and add sugar cane syrup, ice, and rum. shake and then add pineapple juice and pour into glasses. top off glasses with soda water and a sprig of mint.
i'm not a mojito girl, but this does sound yummy. i will just have to figure out a dessert and we will be all set!!
cheers until summer...
Saturday, October 17, 2009
there goes that idea...
i was just entertaining the prospect of going to DQ for dinner. i want a hamburger, onion rings, and a blizzard.
i just checked the nutrition data on line for those three items and it added up to 1260 calories!! when you are supposed to have roughly 1500-1800 calories and less than 50g of fat per day (according to my age, weight, activity level, etc), then that is absolutely ridiculous. i was looking at the fat content of the burger and it was 14g of fat and the onion rings had 16...i didnt look at the blizzard, but i cant imagine how bad it is.
thankfully the nutrition information is on line so i can look this up and silence the cravings.
oh, but i would kill for a burger. i really would.
lettuce leaves all around...
sigh.
i just checked the nutrition data on line for those three items and it added up to 1260 calories!! when you are supposed to have roughly 1500-1800 calories and less than 50g of fat per day (according to my age, weight, activity level, etc), then that is absolutely ridiculous. i was looking at the fat content of the burger and it was 14g of fat and the onion rings had 16...i didnt look at the blizzard, but i cant imagine how bad it is.
thankfully the nutrition information is on line so i can look this up and silence the cravings.
oh, but i would kill for a burger. i really would.
lettuce leaves all around...
sigh.
Plan B
does everyone have a plan b? i think most of us do.
i seem to always have one just in case things all go to shit. that doesnt necessarily mean that i'm socking away money, but in the back of my mind, i'm always entertaining the unknown and creating a plan just in case.
i have been friends with an individual since we met in 1995 @ work. i had a mad crush on him back then, but he didnt notice me. he was a couple years younger than me and always seemed preoccupied with his friends and all the shit that guys like at 22. i was just a coworker.
eventually he moved on and we lost touch. i ran into him at the bar once and we hung out and then went for dinner afterward. you know, the drunken 3am "hey, let's get chinese" dinners. yeah, those.
we'd run into each other now and then. at one point he wanted me to move in with him and be a room mate. i debated, but was turned off by the place he wanted me to stay in. it just didnt work for me, so i elected to stay where i was.
my cousin and i used to hit electric ave and various other places in the late 90's and at the end of the night would always call this guy to come over for our 3am chinese feasts. no matter what he was doing (mostly sleeping i think), he would come 1/2 way across the city to score a free meal and dinner with two hot chicks. nothing ever came of it. i think my cousin had a mad crush on him, so it was usually her calling him. i think they kissed once.
he and i hooked up once and it was kind of unremarkable. one of those incidences where i knew it was meaningless, but it wasnt really enjoyable. and nothing materialized from it. i went my way, he went his.
facebook came along and we met up again. talked, chatted, and eventually caught up over lunch. he had been married and divorced and was bitter and rightfully so. we continue to maintain a friendship, altho it's mostly just texting and bb messenging. nothing special, just a "hey, how are you" kind of thing.
but usually the conversation gets around to the past. inevitably it comes up in discussion and i SWEAR i'm not the one bringing it up. he will start off by saying something about spicy squid (a dish we always ordered and loved, the three of us) and then it will inevitably lead to conversations about the one hook up we had.
again, it was ONE night. nothing special. but he constantly goes back to it and talks about it with the not so hidden hope that we could rekindle it someday. he's always joking about it, but i dont think it's a joke, ya know. oh and did i mention, he lives with his girlfriend? i find that part incredibly odd.
it's flattering, i have to admit. and there is that part of me that still thinks he's attractive. but would i leave my husband for him? hell no. and i feel immense guilt having conversations about the past, conversations i swear i do not bring up. i'd rather shoot the shit, chat about whatever's current, and move on.
i will always ask him why it is he is giving me the attention now that we are both attached. i have told him that i liked him quite a bit, but he never noticed me, or appeared not to. why is it that we seem to want something when we cant get it? (i'm asking this retorical question toward him...)
i have entertained the idea of him being my plan b, but there is a part of me that has no desire to revisit that night in december of 1997. no thanks. there's something dreadful about reopening history that never bodes well for me. in the past, i have re-dated, and quite frankly it ends in more disaster than if i had just left it alone.
neumann...i think i'll be his plan b, whether i like it or not.
i seem to always have one just in case things all go to shit. that doesnt necessarily mean that i'm socking away money, but in the back of my mind, i'm always entertaining the unknown and creating a plan just in case.
i have been friends with an individual since we met in 1995 @ work. i had a mad crush on him back then, but he didnt notice me. he was a couple years younger than me and always seemed preoccupied with his friends and all the shit that guys like at 22. i was just a coworker.
eventually he moved on and we lost touch. i ran into him at the bar once and we hung out and then went for dinner afterward. you know, the drunken 3am "hey, let's get chinese" dinners. yeah, those.
we'd run into each other now and then. at one point he wanted me to move in with him and be a room mate. i debated, but was turned off by the place he wanted me to stay in. it just didnt work for me, so i elected to stay where i was.
my cousin and i used to hit electric ave and various other places in the late 90's and at the end of the night would always call this guy to come over for our 3am chinese feasts. no matter what he was doing (mostly sleeping i think), he would come 1/2 way across the city to score a free meal and dinner with two hot chicks. nothing ever came of it. i think my cousin had a mad crush on him, so it was usually her calling him. i think they kissed once.
he and i hooked up once and it was kind of unremarkable. one of those incidences where i knew it was meaningless, but it wasnt really enjoyable. and nothing materialized from it. i went my way, he went his.
facebook came along and we met up again. talked, chatted, and eventually caught up over lunch. he had been married and divorced and was bitter and rightfully so. we continue to maintain a friendship, altho it's mostly just texting and bb messenging. nothing special, just a "hey, how are you" kind of thing.
but usually the conversation gets around to the past. inevitably it comes up in discussion and i SWEAR i'm not the one bringing it up. he will start off by saying something about spicy squid (a dish we always ordered and loved, the three of us) and then it will inevitably lead to conversations about the one hook up we had.
again, it was ONE night. nothing special. but he constantly goes back to it and talks about it with the not so hidden hope that we could rekindle it someday. he's always joking about it, but i dont think it's a joke, ya know. oh and did i mention, he lives with his girlfriend? i find that part incredibly odd.
it's flattering, i have to admit. and there is that part of me that still thinks he's attractive. but would i leave my husband for him? hell no. and i feel immense guilt having conversations about the past, conversations i swear i do not bring up. i'd rather shoot the shit, chat about whatever's current, and move on.
i will always ask him why it is he is giving me the attention now that we are both attached. i have told him that i liked him quite a bit, but he never noticed me, or appeared not to. why is it that we seem to want something when we cant get it? (i'm asking this retorical question toward him...)
i have entertained the idea of him being my plan b, but there is a part of me that has no desire to revisit that night in december of 1997. no thanks. there's something dreadful about reopening history that never bodes well for me. in the past, i have re-dated, and quite frankly it ends in more disaster than if i had just left it alone.
neumann...i think i'll be his plan b, whether i like it or not.
Can Ya Dig It?
i was just out in the garden planting. it's freaking 18C here, so why not!
i planted tulips and hyacinths. they need to be planted in the fall and will be (hopefully) the first to arrive with the spring. 1/2 way through i realised i had two new blisters on the palm of my right hand. not exactly a convenient spot to have a blister.
and i'm worried that i didnt dig the bulbs deep enough. i covered them all with mulch, so i hope that helps. hopefuly there will be some plants in the spring and at that time, i'll post pictures.
till spring...auf wiedersehen bulbs!
i planted tulips and hyacinths. they need to be planted in the fall and will be (hopefully) the first to arrive with the spring. 1/2 way through i realised i had two new blisters on the palm of my right hand. not exactly a convenient spot to have a blister.
and i'm worried that i didnt dig the bulbs deep enough. i covered them all with mulch, so i hope that helps. hopefuly there will be some plants in the spring and at that time, i'll post pictures.
till spring...auf wiedersehen bulbs!
Friday, October 16, 2009
more starfucking
so the step cousin's husband retired the other day. our family was invited to his party.
naturally the starfuckers all went. so it was the inlaws with the brother and his wife, who towed along their two brats. fuck, WHO brings their 5 and 3yr old to a fucking retirement party for a washed up celebrity?
worse yet, the fucks just called here to say that a tv station was taping it and it would be broadcast tonight....all of them in their starfucking glory.
i will watch, but only to laugh.
like i've said before, none of these people would have anything to do with the cousin if it wasnt because she married this semi famous person.
my inlaws are fucking pathetic.
naturally the starfuckers all went. so it was the inlaws with the brother and his wife, who towed along their two brats. fuck, WHO brings their 5 and 3yr old to a fucking retirement party for a washed up celebrity?
worse yet, the fucks just called here to say that a tv station was taping it and it would be broadcast tonight....all of them in their starfucking glory.
i will watch, but only to laugh.
like i've said before, none of these people would have anything to do with the cousin if it wasnt because she married this semi famous person.
my inlaws are fucking pathetic.
STFU Ralph
recently, RL has come under fire again about a model fired for being considered "too fat". they photoshopped her in the ad to make it more "appealing" to the customer.
tell me, does THIS look at all appealing????
this girl doesnt even look like a fucking human being. and i dont know of anyone in their right mind who would buy clothing off a fucking skeleton. could you imagine someone like posh spice declaring "oh i love how that cut accentuates your hip bones"...ugh.
ralph lauren: STFU. to think that you believe this picture will sell whatever it is you are pushing is beyond ignorant.
STFU.
you are pushing a bizarre ideal, something unattainable, encouraging young impressionable girls to throw up their meals, deny their hunger, and achieve unattainable and UNATTRACTIVE goals.
fuck you for making our society what it is. i know you are not solely responsible for this bullshit, but you are doing nothing to stop it.
i want to pass you on a HEARTY helping of STFU.
asshole.
what would you do?
here i sit again, wondering what i should do. and because i'm a stupid virgo, i cant figure out the right path.
i used to hang out with a group of girls. we'd go for lunches and coincidentally, our husbands all got along. to say it was a merry 8-some was putting it adequately.
but then shit started happening. namely, i decided that i was sick and tired of being a fat louse and wanted to do something with myself, other than eat and drink. with this group, i did those things to excess. and when i rejoined the fitness studio, i was serious about losing weight and getting healthy, so something had to give.
i felt that the group had to go.
there were many reasons, but the primary one was that it just didnt jive with my fitness plan. i'd always hear that i didnt have to work out, that i was fine as i was, and that one beer or three wouldnt kill me. at the same time, i knew that one beer didnt do me any justice and that "one beer" got me in the predicament i was in back in may of 2008.
so i left the group slowly. just stopped going for lunches. and the craziest thing happened...i had energy to take on tasks i never considered before: dug up the garden, planted new bushes and shrubs, and painted the house. i had energy renewed. it was as if i was reborn. i was finally LIVING. to be cliche, it was as if a cloud was lifted.
the group didnt take kindly to my coup. on one visit to a member, i was asked why i wasnt around as much anymore, to which i replied (to what i thought was in confidence) that i found the group oppressive and too much of an obligation. i figured it was ok to say.
it wasnt.
that comment was later taken back to the group on a tuesday lunch and dissected. torn apart and what emerged was ugly and dark.
instead of talking to me and confronting me on what i said, they turned on me like mean girls.
but in the meantime, i was blissfully unaware and quite happy to move on to my own pursuits of fitness and finding friends with similar interests. life was good. i really honestly didnt miss the group dynamic.
in october of 2008, one of them removed me from her fb account, which really made me mad. it was unprovoked and uncalled for. afterall, we hadnt had any fights or bickering. it just came out of the blue.
i got angry and removed the other two, doing so before they could remove me, because i figured it would be a group decision. out of guilt i then removed myself from facebook.
months passed and curiousity got the better of me and i rejoined facebook. i reconnected with one of the group members in 2009 and we have maintained a friendship since. i consider her one of my good time gretchen weiner girls.
recently i attended a wedding where i ran into a husband of one of the girls who sat me down to ask me why i was no longer friends with his wife. so i explained the whole stupid thing, right down to the fitness explanation and the facebook crap, and he said that she missed me and wanted me back in her life.
i know i'd rather hear it from HER than her husband. it becomes a little too much "he said, she said" for my taste.
at the same time, the gretchen friend gave me shit for the events and told me that stuff i said in confidence (about finding the group an obligation etc) got back to them and they were all upset about it and that's why everything played out the way it did. we had it out and it felt good. in the end, we worked it out. as a matter of fact, gretchen is in vegas and we are texting back and forth, wishing we were there together. it will be fine between us.
but what i'm having a dilemma over is contacting karen again. her husband insists that i should and that she would be happy to hear from me. but i have filled karen's gap with other activities and i'm not so sure i'm completely ready to bring the DRAM back into my life.
when i went to havre with gretchen and regina i had a great time. regina and i ended up sharing a room and getting along great. i missed her. i hoped to be able to see her again. i have the same hopes for karen, i really do.
but i just dont know what i should do. as it stands i will likely email karen and just put it out there, knowing that karen is not the kind of girl who makes the first move.
i will see tho...i still have to think and this third glass of wine isnt helping.
or is it?
i used to hang out with a group of girls. we'd go for lunches and coincidentally, our husbands all got along. to say it was a merry 8-some was putting it adequately.
but then shit started happening. namely, i decided that i was sick and tired of being a fat louse and wanted to do something with myself, other than eat and drink. with this group, i did those things to excess. and when i rejoined the fitness studio, i was serious about losing weight and getting healthy, so something had to give.
i felt that the group had to go.
there were many reasons, but the primary one was that it just didnt jive with my fitness plan. i'd always hear that i didnt have to work out, that i was fine as i was, and that one beer or three wouldnt kill me. at the same time, i knew that one beer didnt do me any justice and that "one beer" got me in the predicament i was in back in may of 2008.
so i left the group slowly. just stopped going for lunches. and the craziest thing happened...i had energy to take on tasks i never considered before: dug up the garden, planted new bushes and shrubs, and painted the house. i had energy renewed. it was as if i was reborn. i was finally LIVING. to be cliche, it was as if a cloud was lifted.
the group didnt take kindly to my coup. on one visit to a member, i was asked why i wasnt around as much anymore, to which i replied (to what i thought was in confidence) that i found the group oppressive and too much of an obligation. i figured it was ok to say.
it wasnt.
that comment was later taken back to the group on a tuesday lunch and dissected. torn apart and what emerged was ugly and dark.
instead of talking to me and confronting me on what i said, they turned on me like mean girls.
but in the meantime, i was blissfully unaware and quite happy to move on to my own pursuits of fitness and finding friends with similar interests. life was good. i really honestly didnt miss the group dynamic.
in october of 2008, one of them removed me from her fb account, which really made me mad. it was unprovoked and uncalled for. afterall, we hadnt had any fights or bickering. it just came out of the blue.
i got angry and removed the other two, doing so before they could remove me, because i figured it would be a group decision. out of guilt i then removed myself from facebook.
months passed and curiousity got the better of me and i rejoined facebook. i reconnected with one of the group members in 2009 and we have maintained a friendship since. i consider her one of my good time gretchen weiner girls.
recently i attended a wedding where i ran into a husband of one of the girls who sat me down to ask me why i was no longer friends with his wife. so i explained the whole stupid thing, right down to the fitness explanation and the facebook crap, and he said that she missed me and wanted me back in her life.
i know i'd rather hear it from HER than her husband. it becomes a little too much "he said, she said" for my taste.
at the same time, the gretchen friend gave me shit for the events and told me that stuff i said in confidence (about finding the group an obligation etc) got back to them and they were all upset about it and that's why everything played out the way it did. we had it out and it felt good. in the end, we worked it out. as a matter of fact, gretchen is in vegas and we are texting back and forth, wishing we were there together. it will be fine between us.
but what i'm having a dilemma over is contacting karen again. her husband insists that i should and that she would be happy to hear from me. but i have filled karen's gap with other activities and i'm not so sure i'm completely ready to bring the DRAM back into my life.
when i went to havre with gretchen and regina i had a great time. regina and i ended up sharing a room and getting along great. i missed her. i hoped to be able to see her again. i have the same hopes for karen, i really do.
but i just dont know what i should do. as it stands i will likely email karen and just put it out there, knowing that karen is not the kind of girl who makes the first move.
i will see tho...i still have to think and this third glass of wine isnt helping.
or is it?
Ok i've stayed quiet long enough
but i think it's time you STFU.
seriously.
i dont like your attitude and i like it less as soon as you open your mouth.
asking me about my nephew is always a step towards you standing on a soap box prostheletizing on about how wonderful your blood nephew is, how much smarter, talented, special he is than my blood nephew. ok, i SEE THROUGH IT. you are trying to imply that my family's genes are weaker. i get it. but i dont like it.
in short, you are a bitch with no friends. i dont think you have a real friend outside of your family, you know. any "real" friends you have live far away and are likely glad they dont see you regularly.
i have tried to like you, oh god i have, but you have countlessly turned on me. there's one thing you dont get or appreciate about me: i am sensitive and i usually give people the benefit of the doubt. i can be loyal to the bitter end, but you have crossed me enough to let me know that it is merely wasting my time.
i dont appreciate asking you a simple benign question as to where you are getting your masters degree (because i seriously had NOT heard of gonzaga or knew of its geographic location), but you took it to be a huge insult on your character for some godforesaken reason, and turned on me like a cobra and told me that my education and university was known as a "last chance university, somewhere people applied to only if they couldnt get in elsewhere". know what? that's a blatant LIE. and even better yet? your fucking degree from your university means shit compared to getting it from mine. ask any recruiter and they'll tell you they want U of L grads.
while we were at your house, you took to insulting my nephew and then later insulting my husband for not answering his phone when you call. let me get one thing clear with you: his phone is not the bat phone that you can call 24/7 when you want something. and ya know what? you usually want stupid things...like calling him to come kill a spider. a spider who lived OUTSIDE of your stupid condo. a spider that you had adequate bug spray to kill on your own. but instead, you played the weak woman (a syndrome that gallops in your family) and had him come kill it. can you BLAME him for screening your calls?
i also hate how you treat your parents. oh you think you are the only one who cares about them, but in reality you treat them like your common slaves, telling them when and how high to jump. you will demand they come on your schedule to do your bidding. like the time you told your dad to come and help you build a work station in your garage. he came for the weekend and you spent part of it visiting with them and lazing about until it was time to actually get to work in your cold garage and you got up and declared that you had homework to do, so you left your 60+yr old dad in the garage at 6pm on a november night to do it on his own.
i get that your parents are adults and that you are an adult, but i think that you all live in a dysfunctional system of denial. a place where none of you accept each other as they truly are. your parents refuse to see you as a grown up woman because to do so would deplete their usefulness in life, and you are more than ok to play into that role and have them coddle you, even tho you are past the age of a place where that is acceptable.
and you know what? approaching your new position as the VP does not give you the power you think you deserve in life. i have heard more than once that you are now "drunk with power" in your current position, which just tells me that the hiring committee was obviously too rash in making a decision. it makes me think that they really had no candidates to choose from if you were the best choice. that doesnt say much. i highly doubt your predecessors walked about the halls saying the same unprofessional thing. i feel pity for you because you clearly have not found a mentor to style yourself after. i do believe you think you are the mold which all others were created.
oh, and while we are at it, your colleagues talk about you regularly and not in flattering ways either. and the thing is, i know you care. i know you concern yourself with how others see you, yet you make no steps toward changing how you treat others. to be told by your superiors that you are not treating support staff properly and to have you return and say that "you were never taught how to treat them" is absolutely inexcusable. why they couldnt have asked your colleagues before promoting you is beyond me.
you are not accountable for anything you say or do. it's never your fault for how you treat people or how you talk to anyone. afterall there is always someone who comes along and covers for you, but i imagine that you are finding it more difficult to find people in your corner, arent you?
i hate that i have spent hours in therapy trying to dissect your brain and ending up with the same conclusion. i'm still puzzled how you can have a job with authority yet have no accountability or maturity beyond it.
i just dont understand how things fall into your lap. on one hand i applaud you for being ambitious, but on the other, i know you've stepped on plenty of toes to get where you are. i know you kissed ass big time to your boss to get your promotion. it's funny how you were the only staff member to get along with him and then you got your current job.
i dont get you.
i cant like you.
it's that simple.
seriously.
i dont like your attitude and i like it less as soon as you open your mouth.
asking me about my nephew is always a step towards you standing on a soap box prostheletizing on about how wonderful your blood nephew is, how much smarter, talented, special he is than my blood nephew. ok, i SEE THROUGH IT. you are trying to imply that my family's genes are weaker. i get it. but i dont like it.
in short, you are a bitch with no friends. i dont think you have a real friend outside of your family, you know. any "real" friends you have live far away and are likely glad they dont see you regularly.
i have tried to like you, oh god i have, but you have countlessly turned on me. there's one thing you dont get or appreciate about me: i am sensitive and i usually give people the benefit of the doubt. i can be loyal to the bitter end, but you have crossed me enough to let me know that it is merely wasting my time.
i dont appreciate asking you a simple benign question as to where you are getting your masters degree (because i seriously had NOT heard of gonzaga or knew of its geographic location), but you took it to be a huge insult on your character for some godforesaken reason, and turned on me like a cobra and told me that my education and university was known as a "last chance university, somewhere people applied to only if they couldnt get in elsewhere". know what? that's a blatant LIE. and even better yet? your fucking degree from your university means shit compared to getting it from mine. ask any recruiter and they'll tell you they want U of L grads.
while we were at your house, you took to insulting my nephew and then later insulting my husband for not answering his phone when you call. let me get one thing clear with you: his phone is not the bat phone that you can call 24/7 when you want something. and ya know what? you usually want stupid things...like calling him to come kill a spider. a spider who lived OUTSIDE of your stupid condo. a spider that you had adequate bug spray to kill on your own. but instead, you played the weak woman (a syndrome that gallops in your family) and had him come kill it. can you BLAME him for screening your calls?
i also hate how you treat your parents. oh you think you are the only one who cares about them, but in reality you treat them like your common slaves, telling them when and how high to jump. you will demand they come on your schedule to do your bidding. like the time you told your dad to come and help you build a work station in your garage. he came for the weekend and you spent part of it visiting with them and lazing about until it was time to actually get to work in your cold garage and you got up and declared that you had homework to do, so you left your 60+yr old dad in the garage at 6pm on a november night to do it on his own.
i get that your parents are adults and that you are an adult, but i think that you all live in a dysfunctional system of denial. a place where none of you accept each other as they truly are. your parents refuse to see you as a grown up woman because to do so would deplete their usefulness in life, and you are more than ok to play into that role and have them coddle you, even tho you are past the age of a place where that is acceptable.
and you know what? approaching your new position as the VP does not give you the power you think you deserve in life. i have heard more than once that you are now "drunk with power" in your current position, which just tells me that the hiring committee was obviously too rash in making a decision. it makes me think that they really had no candidates to choose from if you were the best choice. that doesnt say much. i highly doubt your predecessors walked about the halls saying the same unprofessional thing. i feel pity for you because you clearly have not found a mentor to style yourself after. i do believe you think you are the mold which all others were created.
oh, and while we are at it, your colleagues talk about you regularly and not in flattering ways either. and the thing is, i know you care. i know you concern yourself with how others see you, yet you make no steps toward changing how you treat others. to be told by your superiors that you are not treating support staff properly and to have you return and say that "you were never taught how to treat them" is absolutely inexcusable. why they couldnt have asked your colleagues before promoting you is beyond me.
you are not accountable for anything you say or do. it's never your fault for how you treat people or how you talk to anyone. afterall there is always someone who comes along and covers for you, but i imagine that you are finding it more difficult to find people in your corner, arent you?
i hate that i have spent hours in therapy trying to dissect your brain and ending up with the same conclusion. i'm still puzzled how you can have a job with authority yet have no accountability or maturity beyond it.
i just dont understand how things fall into your lap. on one hand i applaud you for being ambitious, but on the other, i know you've stepped on plenty of toes to get where you are. i know you kissed ass big time to your boss to get your promotion. it's funny how you were the only staff member to get along with him and then you got your current job.
i dont get you.
i cant like you.
it's that simple.
An open letter to Kim and Michelle
hey guys!
have i told you that i love you yet? probably not.
it's not something i say often, but it's something i feel a lot. does that make sense?
i love going to your houses and visiting. yours, michelle, with the cool indie chick vibe with the guitar and stand, the cats, and the incense. oh, and i love the fact that you make salad rolls like a native thai chef and that mulligatawny is to DIE for. seriously. and you always have the best fashion sense without trying. your hair that you trim yourself in between visits to see joel is so cute. i only wish that i had the knack and the bravery. and i have had some of the best times smoking pot with you. oh we laughed. i still laugh thinking of how we screamed off my front porch and nearly wet ourselves by trying to imitate cops at 4pm on a friday afternoon with a baseball hat and a blowdryer.
kim, i love coming over to your house. the visits are always great with the brewed tea and desserts, combined with visits with your daughter. have i ever told you how much i love her and i'm NOT a kid person? she's adorable. i think i love her more than i do my inlaw niece and nephew. really. it's totally awesome to see you and clay at a level where you just connect and make it all happen effortlessly. you make it look easy: from the parenting, to painting and decor, and cooking. incidentally, thanks to you, i'm more adventurous in the kitchen and in renovating. and for the record, your mother in law is a TOTAL ASSHOLE for the way she treats you because you are NOT the person she thinks you are.
guys, friends should inspire you. and you guys do. i have wanted to be like you guys, not just in how you look or dress because that is silly, but in attitude and how you take on life. in short, i hold you guys in the best light possible. it has always been my bragging point that you are my friends. i always consider that a major coup to know you both on a level that others dont.
i love you guys. i wish that we could see each other more, but i know that we all have agendas and life gets in the way. i still think of you and everytime we see each other i savor every moment.
thanks for liking me despite my attitude, my negativity, my poor fashion sense, and insecurity. i love that you've overlooked my hairy body, my times of thick and lean, and supported me every step of the way.
i am proud to be your friend and i'm here till the end.
love you guys!
trace
ps, i am hoping you both see elephants.
have i told you that i love you yet? probably not.
it's not something i say often, but it's something i feel a lot. does that make sense?
i love going to your houses and visiting. yours, michelle, with the cool indie chick vibe with the guitar and stand, the cats, and the incense. oh, and i love the fact that you make salad rolls like a native thai chef and that mulligatawny is to DIE for. seriously. and you always have the best fashion sense without trying. your hair that you trim yourself in between visits to see joel is so cute. i only wish that i had the knack and the bravery. and i have had some of the best times smoking pot with you. oh we laughed. i still laugh thinking of how we screamed off my front porch and nearly wet ourselves by trying to imitate cops at 4pm on a friday afternoon with a baseball hat and a blowdryer.
kim, i love coming over to your house. the visits are always great with the brewed tea and desserts, combined with visits with your daughter. have i ever told you how much i love her and i'm NOT a kid person? she's adorable. i think i love her more than i do my inlaw niece and nephew. really. it's totally awesome to see you and clay at a level where you just connect and make it all happen effortlessly. you make it look easy: from the parenting, to painting and decor, and cooking. incidentally, thanks to you, i'm more adventurous in the kitchen and in renovating. and for the record, your mother in law is a TOTAL ASSHOLE for the way she treats you because you are NOT the person she thinks you are.
guys, friends should inspire you. and you guys do. i have wanted to be like you guys, not just in how you look or dress because that is silly, but in attitude and how you take on life. in short, i hold you guys in the best light possible. it has always been my bragging point that you are my friends. i always consider that a major coup to know you both on a level that others dont.
i love you guys. i wish that we could see each other more, but i know that we all have agendas and life gets in the way. i still think of you and everytime we see each other i savor every moment.
thanks for liking me despite my attitude, my negativity, my poor fashion sense, and insecurity. i love that you've overlooked my hairy body, my times of thick and lean, and supported me every step of the way.
i am proud to be your friend and i'm here till the end.
love you guys!
trace
ps, i am hoping you both see elephants.
a good website i just found
http://www.nerve.com/
fun articles, including an article of the top 40 hollywood rumours. i love me some gossip, so this site had me salivating!
fun articles, including an article of the top 40 hollywood rumours. i love me some gossip, so this site had me salivating!
what's next?
so zuc just got a new tattoo and it looks AWESOME! i love it. it makes me want to get another one.
it's just the task of deciding what will work and continue to work for days and years on end.
decisions, decisions!
it's just the task of deciding what will work and continue to work for days and years on end.
decisions, decisions!
5pm Fridays
relaxing with a glass of wine. it's a mike weir wine. never had it before, but it has potential i think. not that i'm much of a wine sommalier, but it doesnt taste completely like ass. it will do.
it's 15C here. unbelievable. i went to the bank earlier and overdressed for the weather in a big sweater and even bigger winter coat. meanwhile i had been staring at my computer screen all afternoon where the temps are on the bottom of the screen. i guess that goes to show you just how involved i was in my work. yeah, please pass that onto my boss...for once i wasnt reading CDAN but was actually bona fide working!!
but now? bank recs are done, the bulk of the work is completed and i'm just enjoying life...cheers to a good weekend!
it's 15C here. unbelievable. i went to the bank earlier and overdressed for the weather in a big sweater and even bigger winter coat. meanwhile i had been staring at my computer screen all afternoon where the temps are on the bottom of the screen. i guess that goes to show you just how involved i was in my work. yeah, please pass that onto my boss...for once i wasnt reading CDAN but was actually bona fide working!!
but now? bank recs are done, the bulk of the work is completed and i'm just enjoying life...cheers to a good weekend!
Monday, October 12, 2009
xmas presents...
so the semi-famous person in the family is releasing a book...
i think the family will hand out signed copies as xmas presents.
how delightfully tacky.
starfuckers.
i think the family will hand out signed copies as xmas presents.
how delightfully tacky.
starfuckers.
Friday, October 09, 2009
ouch!
i went to sephora (aka my home planet) and had a good browse through the cleanser section. i wanted a grown up cleanser and moisturizer.
thanks to a couple of FABULOUS men i met in vegas, philosophy's "hope in a jar" was recommended.
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thanks to a couple of FABULOUS men i met in vegas, philosophy's "hope in a jar" was recommended.
i was pretty excited to try it. i had tried it on the back of my hands and found its texture to be smooth and easy to blend into my skin.
simultaneously, i purchased this for $26 cdn:
i was also quite excited to try it out, so upon arriving to my hotel room and preparing for bed, i did the full on face cleanse, followed by the moisturizer. feeling renewed and positive i was making significant and more adult and responsible changes to my face, i retired to bed.
at about 2:30, my face and jawline started itching. madly. it woke me up and i just figured that it was the onset of a zit coming because i get them there now.
in the morning, my entire face was on fire. red. sore. swollen. and when i looked closely, i had small water blisters in places along my jawline...the same places i had been scratching at the entire night.
ugh!
i was embarassed. it looked as if i'd been laying out in the sun for hours on end. the redness was exactly where i would have put the product, so obviously it missed my eyes and mouth area.
fortunately sephora was very understanding. i'm going to give them a massive shout out and say that their ease of return of OPENED product was absolutely appreciated. very great return policy i have to add. it was simple and there were no questions asked, save the question of whether i had someone assist me. uhm, nope. i just picked stuff out, hoping i was making the right decision.
so with a heavy heart and red blistered face, i sit here still wondering if i'll find a cleanser and moisturizer that works for me....
still waiting.
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continued...
d and i were talking about our individual fitness journeys the other night and the comments and struggles we've had. both of us were bigger but have perservered and relatively enjoy it.
we were talking about some of our friends and peer pressure and comments that get thrown our way. someone commented to her about how she has larger friends and those friends are now worried that she will ditch them because she is getting fit. how ridiculous.
d also has a friend who has had a gastric bypass and how she perceives it to be unfair that this person now weighs less than her. personally, i think surgery is CHEATING. and altho this person has decreased in size and looks better than she has, she isnt strong. her cardio is terrible and she isnt strong or toned. it doesnt matter that she weighs less, she still cant do anything. i tried to tell d that she is way ahead of this person in terms of things because she has her cardio and her strength, whereas the gastic bypass lady(gpl) is struggling hard in classes to keep up. hey, kudos to her because she has been at every class, but she still cheated.
d has noticed that the gpl is now changing her attitude and the real her is emerging, and it's not pretty. this person had hid behind her weight and now that she is decreasing in mass, she is showing her true colors. scary. i only know this person to see her and have chatted with her from time to time, but i hear town gossip (fuck, there is A LOT of it here) and i have heard my own shit about her. i try not to judge because it's terribly unfair, but this person isnt really my type anyway, so i could care less about the person she is.
fitness changes a lot of things about people; positive and negative. i like to think that i feel more confident. it's wonderful to go into a class and be able to hold the plank position for 2 minutes. i couldnt do that before. that empowers me. what doesnt is the shitty attitude some of these bitches have...hence why it's fucking awesome to go in, say nothing, work my ass off (literally), and leave.
it's not great, but that's how it is.
i visit a website daily called sparkpeople.com. it's an online data resource for fitness people. you can log your activity, calories, keep a food journal, find recipes, workouts, menu plans, EVERYTHING there. i really enjoy visiting that site because i can always find something to make that is low in caloric intake or can read articles on motivation, etc. it's been a great resource, especially in terms of keeping a nutrition journal (which i think is a crucial weight loss tool).
the other day i was looking at the message boards and someone had inquired about zumba, a latin-american dance fitness class. i have yet to take it but i think i'm going to sign up for the class on monday...i have this feeling that my two left feet will not appreciate it. {seriously i have no rhythm. it's embarassing.} i want to try this class and see what it's all about. the bigger sil has taken it and raved about it and i take her word with a huge grain of salt about things, so i just want to see for myself.
someone on the message boards was talking about being concerned that they were bigger and whether she'd fit in the class. i know we all have to start somewhere and i have no problems with bigger people in my classes; i'm just happy they're at the gym trying! not only that, i have been bigger and insecure about stuff, but honestly after a while it doesnt matter. i have heard quite a few girls express insecurity over walking into a gym and being the biggest person there, but everyone sweats and you are there to DO SOMETHING. get over it.
what got me down were some of the posters carrying on about not finding classes with "skinny minnies" in them. i am quite offended by that. as if a "skinny minnie" could post something about finding a class without fatties in it without severe reprocussion and likely banning from the site. it just pisses me off that there is that discrimination against people who are thinner from bigger people. get over it, ladies. everyone is a different shape and size and some lose it faster than others...some who are skinny were fat at one point...there are a thousand stories out there but to openly preach hate is ridiculous and insulting. i cant stand it. i gave that poster shit and said she was ridiculous. i havent checked in yet to see if i got trashed for saying so.
it's shitty attitudes like that which make going to the gym a gong show sometimes. i think that's why i go, keep my head down, and do the class and leave. no drama, no talking, no making nice. i'm there to WORK. i'm not there to wear the latest shit or talk smack before class starts...
that kind of talk just makes me want to WORK HARDER.
i'm giving it up for now. AHHHH! so many changes all at once...hard to process at times.
i can drink a pot of coffee easily. no sweat. i love the color, the smell, the "social" aspect of going to coffee shops and hanging out idly. i love that shit.
but what i havent been loving is the jittery sensation and irritation i've been feeling after ONE cup. one!! it's ridiculous. i drank a cup the other day and started becoming really irritated and decided to forget it.
my coffee maker hasnt been percolating for 2 days now. that's a record around these parts. trust.
for someone such as i to go cold turkey is a big deal. for example: i go through a pound of coffee A WEEK. ch has maybe 2 cups of it, but the rest is me. the other week i went to costco and bought a BIGASS bag of beans and they're DONE. i was just in costco two weeks ago. i shit you not. that aint right.
i was out shopping at nutters, originally looking for oil of oregano, and found a bunch of tea. i'm a sucker sometimes because i ended up buying the complexion tea with roobois blends. i've been drinking it in the afternoons and i really actually enjoy it. it's caffiene free and has a bunch of other goodies in it, so it cant hurt...and the more water i'm consuming, the better, right?
that's not to say that i'm not missing coffee. i am not necessarily cutting it cold turkey because i think i will still hit a starbucks and drink a fat free latte, but it wont be a daily occurance. coffee, from now on, will be a treat. i hope. :)
i'm finding the clean eating thing easy enough. i've eaten a lot of fruit and veggies. the other night i had tilapia and it was quite tasty with a bit of salsa. i know, salsa from a jar is not recommended because of the sodium etc inside, but until i figure out the canning process it will have to do. there are worse things i could put in my gut.
i'm even quite impressed that i bought jello fat free puddings (90cal, .4fat) and havent touched them yet! that's impressive for me because i ordinarily crave creamy desserts. instead i've been reaching for fruit and eat source yogurt (35c, 0f). it's a guilt free treat that i really like and i try to catch it on sale. buying it at safeway is ridiculous because a "sale" price is 6.99, whereas if i look in superstore or wal-mart, i can get it for 5.99. even superstore's brand "finesse" is a cheaper alternative with 45 calories and 0 fat. i will sacrifice the extra 10 calories for price...the taste and texture is comparable.
the problem i find is getting away from booze. it's always in my house and there are days where i feel the need to consume, which drives me batty. i can stay away from it, but there are some days/events where it's damned near impossible to detour around.
i hang with a group of people on weekends who are die hard beer drinkers. i secretly think they have a problem with beer and it's interesting how ch and i have gravitated toward them. it seems that every weekend we are meeting with these couples and singles and hanging out. plans get made to spend time together in the future, which is great, but it always revolves around booze. i have spent time with these people in the past and took a hiatus of sobriety which was wonderful. and now that i'm back "in the loop" so to speak, it's back on.
i find beer pressure extremely aggravating and irritating and immature and i sincerely wonder why it is i experience it at the twilight of my thirties. i have made my intentions quite clear (clean eating etc) and i will get the response that i can follow the 80/20 rule...be good during the week, be bad on weekends. well, i've tried that and quite frankly, it doesnt work. and i've been reading many articles that say that drinking on weekends, combined with bad eating and food choices, pretty well sabotages all the hard work you do monday to friday, even if that bad night is done one night a week. well, i dont get out of bed at 530am for nothing, i'm telling you! really if dragging ass and killing myself at 6am isnt making a difference, then why the hell am i doing it?
the thing is, i enjoy exercising and i'm not quitting for beer. beer has no payoffs, other than temporary enjoyment. later on, my clothes dont fit, i find that i'm getting drunk in a black haze where i cant remember the night or how i got home, and i spend the next day in bed hungover and regretting everything while guilt demons plague me. booze just doesnt really pay off in any manner, yet i can not understand why there is a deep desire to do it. i swear that if i could stay small and carry on in my life with success, i'd fucking drink every day. recognizing that, i have to make a conscious effort NOT TO. i know it is bad for me, there are no benefits unless it's done in moderation. i recognize that moderation is very difficult for my personality...it really is.
i'm either a full on or full off person. it's not part of the way. either i'm a drinker or a nondrinker. there's no grey with me and i dont think there is a grey for an addict either. you cant occasionally do meth or coke, it's either or (at least that's what i've taken from shows like intervention). i think it's the same with drinking for my personality type. hey, there are people out there that can have a drink every now and then and not take it to a darker level, but for me it's a struggle. seriously. i want to keep going.
regardless, i have to be a good girl and have to be conscious about it. this will mean cutting back whatever's going on during the weekends. i plan to not have a drink till dec 5th when we're going on a hockey road trip; from there, no drinking till the next weekend hockey road trip (have i mentioned that i HATE hockey? jesuschristallfuckingmighty), and then no drinks till the boxing day blowout party, and then new years...and from there i plan to drink only on holidays, since we are planning to go somewhere hot in february and again in march.
i think i can do it...whether my friends get it will be another story and struggle. guaranteed.
oh god. ashley KILLED us this morning.
she filled in for our regular instructor ali and we did legs today. oh god, the warmup started with walking lunges around the room with 5lb weights and just got worse from there. she kept saying, "ladies, this is just your warm up...we will be doing plenty of lunges"...ffs!!
so it was all plyo-type exercises: froggy jumps, walking lunges, duck walks, squats with and without weights...the only break we got was the calf raise/hammer curl sequence, which i personally LOVE. we dont do nearly enough of those in my book.
i'm not conceited by any means, but i enjoy being up at the front of the class and checking out the muscles in the mirror. i know how that sounds and i'm not intending it to be that way, but when i'm doing squats or what have you, i enjoy looking at the muscles in my legs and seeing what's going on. i always wear shorts to class because i sweat like a bastard, as well as tank tops, both of which provide good views of what you're doing.
when i first started working out, i used old t-shirts and jogging pants and stayed far in the back just hoping never to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. now i'm ok with being up front. it's kind of like my own bubble because nobody wants to be up there, so i dont feel as crowded, nor do i feel compelled to talk to people either. it's awesome.
i've been noticing my right knee giving me some difficulty so i'm going to have to either take it easy on it or do more stretching, or a combo of both. i have a 50 min class tonight at 7, so if it's legs, i am going to be in a world of hurt tomorrow...let's hope it's arms or abs!!
well, i finally sucked it up and emailed kb and reconnected with her. after a bunch of girl shit and silliness and awkward run-ins, things are back on track. i was reminded by D that sometimes we have to be the bigger person and just reach out to others rather than waiting for them to do it. in this case, kb isnt the type to do the reaching. i can accept that. sometimes you reach, sometimes you are reached out to. (awkward)
i emailed her yesterday afternoon and she responded, which was more than i expected. it sounds like she is taking her life in a newer direction and going to church...i'm trying not to be judgy because we all have to do what we have to do, but organized religion as a whole irritates me. i have a hard time believing in something just because someone at the front of the congregation says so. i also dont appreciate the hypocrisy that goes on in the congregation...either you are walking the talk or you are a fucking hypocrite.
i think it's the way i was raised or something but i have a huge reluctance about church. yes, i appreciate that i converted to cath-o-holic-ism and i really question why i did that. acceptance was not the right answer. i should have waited a while before making that choice and diving in headfirst because i really dont agree with 99% of what they preach. i'm glad i havent set foot in the church since dec 2005.
my dad was quite vocal against being brainwashed by religions. in grade nine i was asked to go to some church youth group thing and it was fun. of course i didnt fit in, but i was happy to be there. before or after (i dont know which), i heard my dad expressing irritation over me possibly being brainwashed and that he didnt need that in the family. i also remember pulling out a bible once during a bad thunderstorm to read some passage or the other (wtf for i will never know) and my mom gave me the stink eye over it. there definitely was a look of disgust on her face when i did that.
anyway, kb is going to church now and leading scrapbooking bible study. i have no idea wtf that is, and i'm not too sure i'd care to find out. i'm sure it's a group of ladies meeting over their scrapbooks and then reading a bible passage or two. sorry to say it, but it's not up my alley at all. i have never been the crafty type. kb is and she's good at it.
so she is taking her life in a positive direction and quitting drinking. she didnt tell me that, but this place is fucking small and people talk. we have a lot of the same friends who have confirmed that to me. her husband, like mine, has a problem with booze. i think she turned to the church and to sobriety to figure shit out. i think it has been incredibly difficult for her because her old drinking friends suddenly have been dropping off the map. i get that because i've lived it too. shit happens.
i think that kb has always been a kinder person and someone i respect. i'm just glad that things are patched up and hopefully we can reconnect.
but not over the bible.
i'm going to try eating clean for a while here...
what it is is eating food that is natural and without additives. loosely translated, it means that you eat your fruits, veggies, white lean meats. an easier way to translate this is: stay away from packaged goods. so that means no thinsations (which i love), no crackers, no salad dressing (light or otherwise)...basically reconditioning the mind to reach for healthy snacks free of packaging and odd ingredients.
i'm a label reader. i have to be in order to succeed in the diet game. or rather, the lifetstyle change. diet's the bad word. ha.
this diet was proposed by tosca reno, who was a stay at home mom and was miserable. she was overweight, out of shape, and very unhappy. something in her changed, maybe it was a desire for happiness, and she started eating right and exercising. the woman lost a shitload of weight and became a fitness model...all at the age of 40. in short, she is a huge role model for those of us in a slump. check out her story here: http://www.toscareno.com/index.html
i just purchased her eating clean cookbook and i cant wait till it gets here. for now i'm eating sensibly: fruits and veggies at every meal. i've even cut out deli meat, which is high in sodium and various additives i can not pronounce.
sushi, thank god, falls into this eating clean lifestyle...naturally, tempura doesnt. boo!
- dont stop believin'--glee cast (not bad, i loved this song by journey, so i dont think anyone can really screw it up)
- paparazzi--lady gaga (sounds good initially, but i'm sure that it will be overplayed like "poker face" was and i'll loathe it)
- 3--britney spears (not too sure yet. listened to it once and kinda was left with "meh". i think this is a case for itunes to reconsider the 30 second taste test and let us hear it all the way through, ffs)
- TiK ToK--ke$ha (it has an upbeat tempo and something i can use in the ipod for running)
- evacuate the dance floor--cascada (same as ke$ha's single...upbeat and dance-worthy)
i havent planned on seeing this movie. i'm saddened by mj's death, but i cant bring myself to see this movie/documentary. i am fascinated by michael and what had gone on behind the scenes, but i just dont feel particularly comfortable putting money into the jackson family's pockets. i've heard and read that they are intending to put the three kids on tv in a reality show, all for profit. nevermind mj's efforts to keep them OUT of the spotlight, nevermind that they are just children trying to cope with the fame and death of their father. i think those jacksons are fucking soulless ghouls.
happy freaking hallowe'en indeed. bastards.
i did, however, just purchase his single "They Don't Care About Us". i'm not sure it's the one that was constantly being promoted and played during his death documentaries. as for the song, it's really not that bad and it IS his voice. i just heard the first of several trademark "WOO HOO"s.
i just hope the royalties from this song go to the kids, but knowing joe jackson, i'm sure it will line his kmart suit pocket.
...of 17.
predictably, ch sat on the couch all day sunday wrapped in a blanket and a test screen pattern thanks to football, beer, and QB1. same with last night. oh he's so conversational between downs during the commercials, always giving me the play by plays. i could probably start a fire upstairs and he wouldnt notice. bloody hell, i get tired of being ignored.
thank god there are no quizzes afterward about what's said because i generally look right at him and dont absorb anything. that's not to say that i dont understand what is being said. i *get* football and i dont mind watching it. what drives me bonzo about it is that he'll change the channel in the middle of a play, always looking for a better game to watch. so one second you're into it, and the next? well ZOINK. there goes that. also? i dont like random stats being shouted out to me as if he was an auctioneer. if i dont know the player, i could care less. i doubt that any interest would be expressed if it was in the reverse with me sharing special information on a subject he has no interest in...i couldnt see it going the opposite way. :/
they're talking about extending the NFL season to 18 or 19 weeks. why not? otherwise i'll be treated to 35 weeks of sulky sundays...33 sounds much more appetizing.
are the cyruses for real?
in case you dont know who they are, billy ray cyrus used to sing that ridiculous song in the 90's "achy breaky heart". (now is it stuck in your head? sorry!!)
most recently he's been riding on the pigtails of his oldest daughter miley with her successes with the pre-teen sprog set of her show "hannah montana".
this is his nine year old daughter. that's right, NINE.
i just want to puke...
this is a pedophile's wet dream...and that IS red lipstick on that kid...her fucking canine teeth havent come in yet, for fuck's sake!
jesus christ, what is this world coming to? wake me when it's 2012, will ya?
i'm sick of fighting with these fucks.
this past summer i was asked by the accountants how our epsp was going. uhm, what epsp? we signed all these papers last year for them to get it done and spent time and money at the lawyer's doing it as well and since then, nothing has happened. we're totally stalled out.
in the summer someone called here to find out how our epsp was going and i had no clue. phoned the bank and the contact person i was given had since changed jobs. so then i was passed along to another person who did her job and told me that she'd been trying to chase down the lawyer to get his ass in gear. i got two phone calls from her updating me on his non-status and since then, radio silence.
then the accountant starting asking me how it was going again, to which i replied that it wasnt going. again. then some sanctimonious CA from the office started calling me and trying to imply that WE were the ones holding up the process. i dont take kindly to being accused of dragging my feet when i have paid the bill in full less than 10 days after it was issued and i most certainly dont appreciate being accused of holding up the show when it was LEFT IN YOUR HANDS TO FINISH.
so she calls here and then tries to get the bank contact's name and i give her the revised one. and before she hung up, she chided me that the best way to get ahold of me is through email because--and oh i love this--"you never answer your phone". huh. let's get one thing straight here, bitch: i am the one who pays the bills around here and ya know what? sometimes when YOU call, I AM BUSY. i do not think your fucking calls are important enough to interrupt what i'm doing to return them. and YOU do not pay MY bills. i do, so shut the fuck up and leave your judgement for your husband, mkay? bitch.
so then i just got another email from her telling me that i was wrong and that the original contact IS the contact at the bank. well, fuck you, too...i was told it was someone else and i really dont want to get into a fucking pissing match with someone i've never met and really have no desire to meet. so JP, go fuck yourself. i know what i was told, so if you dont like it, fuck off.
what is it with celeb sightings in pumpkin patches? i realise it's a photo opp, but honestly, could they get any more cliche?
so over done and overrated. bleh. move on, already. i could care less if suri-bot is picking out a pumpkin and i could certainly do without the staged pumpkin boobie shots you see all over the internet.
ridiculous.
ugh.
saw the sil saturday night, fortunately at a neutral place. i was surrounded by friends and sat on the far side of the table from her. that didnt stop her from talking very loudly about her wonderfulness.
when she came in and introduced her cousin, she got to me and said "do you remember tracy?"
i have known this cousin for close to 10 yrs and have seen her on numerous occasions since i started dating my husband. we were even friends on facebook until i recently left. we have been in contact and have met each other more than once.
but the sil has to make me feel as if i'm just some new piece of ass that has recently started seeing her brother. i've been with him nearly 12 yrs now and for fuck's sake, i'm not a new piece, nor has he had a turnstyle in place of his bedroom door.
i sat there and said nothing, but i'm sure my face betrayed me and she got what she wanted.
UGH. why do i allow her to upset me? honestly, she's just a little insignificant troll but sadly, i give her the power.
fucking pisses me right off.
heya robin baby,
i miss you. it's been a while since we've talked. i can only assume that it's because your parents were back from palm springs and you were being kept under strict watch. i also figure that you must have a man in your life now and he is occupying most of your time.
i do miss those days of university when we'd hang out at your house drinking caesars and discussing life over simon and garfunkel. or playing truth or jalapeno. or laughing at all the fops who tried so hard just to be cool. oh they were good times. i remember us tearing it up one night on your birthday and all the adventures we had in that god damned nova. insanity. but oh so much fun.
like the tide, we've ebbed and flowed over the years with our friendship. we were separated for a while when i dated dean. i wish i had listened more intently to you back then when you expressed your displeasure and ignored me for the rest of 4th year. why didnt you do that back when i started dating herman? i've had many nightmares about him since...but we werent that tight back then, were we? probably not.
i'm glad we got back together in calgary after graduation. once again we had some awesome times that ended with you telling me that i was basically a loser with no life as you kicked me out of your condo before moving off to seattle in the morning. i didnt forgive you, nor did i heed any of your advice then and i think i still managed to make out ok. but once again, i played the bigger person and contacted you and salvaged whatever was left of the wreck of a friendship.
but this time around you were more damaged than when i saw you last. ravaged by time and boredom, you took to drinking daily and throwing up anything you ate, all to maintain some unrealistic expectation you have for yourself. i know someone did a number on you and it wasnt just danny, robin. i know it is deeper and darker than that, but it's your demon to conquer. i just see it is all.
after rounds of plastic surgeries, lipo, and facial tattooing, you emerged looking more foreign than i remembered. i was almost frightened by what i saw in pictures. you ruined your face with those damned collagen injections, and honey, you were not a lipo candidate.
you kept drinking tho, still trying to fight off loneliness. i know that you are not the kind of girl to want to sit at home and be someone's wife. hey, both dave and i knew it when you got engaged and we wondered why. we knew you were too tough for richard to handle and we knew you'd eat him alive, but you still went on with the wedding. why? was it the 9 thousand dollar ring he gave you? or the chance to get out? i think it was a combination of both, but we could see that it wouldnt last.
maybe if i had been a better friend to you, i could have told you that, instead of idly speculating with dave. i wanted to be so happy for you, but it was hard when i wasnt invited to your wedding. that stung. i thought we were best friends. i wasnt asking to be your bridesmaid, i just wanted to see you get married and be there for that. did you think that i'd drink your free bar dry? really? i can forgive you tho, i really can.
i saw you in person on the flip side, just before heading off to rehab to put the final bandaid on the marriage, which turned out to be the nail in the coffin. i could see you were giving rehab a false try and i know that deep in your heart you really didnt want to be there or believe in it. i knew that you thought you could handle your boozing. i know that deep inside you still want to be that go-to girl, the one who works her balls off in the office 7am-7pm and the girl who parties her balls off all night and gets up and does it all again the next day. i remember you from your 20's...you wanted to be somebody and you'd stop at nothing to get it. i always admired you for that trait, but deep down inside there were cracks in your foundation; cracks that would eventually surface once the booze wore off. i never quite understood how you could have it all at a job, be successful, climb the corporate ladder, and then explode in rage and lose it all after many years of hard work. i never got that.
i think that's what puzzles me most about you is the self sabotage. you will have it all with anything in life but then will do something very deliberate to blow it all away. it's a repetitive pattern, baby, and you completely disregard your mistakes and turn around and make 'em all over again. it's like you are a phoenix who rises from the ash you create to go on to make the same mistakes. oh you will have successes along the way, but it all inevitably turns to ash and fire under your own doing.
here's where i'm gonna get tough with you: grow up. honestly, start doing SOMETHING with yourself and stop repeating stupid shit you did in your 20's. you are nearly 40, and where the meltdowns and epic stories and crises were fun 15yrs ago, they are not so humorous now. you need to stop doing things to deliberately hurt people around you. you dont realise it, but you are killing the rest of us every time you do something to sabotage your future. i personally believe you love the attention sabotage brings and that you are doing it because you feel deprived in some manner.
what always puzzles me is that you are very intelligent, successful, and accomplished when you put your mind to it, but you also work against yourself to undo everything you've done right. it's like you dont want to see yourself succeed and you love the misery and drama that comes with failure. i really dont think your parents help you either. they're enablers who turn a blind eye to your bulimia and alcoholism. i love and respect your parents, but i wish you'd step away from them for once and stop looking to them for approval and just live your damned life.
robin baby, i love ya, but i honestly dont miss the drama. i do mourn for what was, but i know that my future doesnt really have room for constant sabotage. there are times i feel like i was always the faithful friend you treated like a dog: somedays i got a pet, others i got a kick, and i still came back for more. i like to think that i'm more secure and confident than i was in my 20's and that i wont tolerate that treatment now.
in all this i suppose i just wanted to say that i miss you, wish you well, and hope that things have changed for the better for you, but i think i know they havent.
the sil is having a cousin in and wants us to come over and sit there and have a few drinks. quite frankly, i'd rather sit alone in my house than listen to the sil brag about being "drunk with power" at her new job or yammer endlessly on about how awesome she is and how shitty everyone else in the world is in comparison. nobody will get a word in edgewise in the 2+hrs we will be sitting there, despite none of us seeing the cousin since our wedding.
i plan on flat out saying NO to ch when he asks me to go along and i know i'll receive the silent treatment. for some reason he always has it in his head that i have to accompany him to any and all family functions. in the meantime he has no interest whatsoever in attending any family functions, never has a legit excuse as to why not, and i never really call him out on it either. i probably should have but at times i figure it's just so much easier to leave him here than to drag him along with him protesting the entire way and once there, sitting in a corner expecting me to entertain him all night long so he isnt *bored* or fucking well having to deal with him constantly watching his watch and wanting to make a fast escape. nevermind that i may not have seen any of these people since a decade ago and havent made my rounds, HE is bored. sometimes it's much easier to leave him at home and then go and enjoy myself without having to hear about it later: "you left me there and i had nobody to talk to" or "i was so bored, i wanted to go hours ago, but you are evil". oh it happens.
conversely, i attend all his family crap, even tho i'd rather be strapped to a chair and made to watch "hanna montana" reruns. i attend pleasantly, make chit chat with people, and dont pout going or coming from said events. honestly, i could win an oscar for my appearances in a family drama, i really could. to say i'm a good sport is putting it mildly.
what gets me down about a lot of the H family get togethers are that they're incredibly rude. for instance, we will all go out for dinner (just the mil, sil, fil, and ch and i) and they will all conversate within their own dynamic and exclude me. so it will be ch and his father having a deep discussion about work or what have you, clearly a private conversation, and then the mil and sil will start in with their topic of choice that is usually about something they've done together, something you can not possibly contribute to because you were not there on their annual trip to disneyland (yes, they do that and i think it's incredibly ODD). so i'll just be sitting there in my own world and all of them are completely oblivious to the fact that they havent included me in a conversation.
i like to think that when i'm out with a friend and have someone coming along who isnt entirely familiar with that friend, that i include them in conversations or try to steer the conversation toward something we all can discuss. not so with the female inlaws. i had particularly noticed it after my wedding shower when we came back to the house with them and my sister and a friend. the four of them sat around the kitchen table and had coffee. my kitchen table is incredibly small, so there isnt a lot of room for much else beyond your plate and a glass...in other words, it's a tight setting. the mil and sil immediately launched into a conversation that only included them while my sister and her friend sat there trying to either contribute (which was rebuked by them talking OVER my sister) or trying to follow along, but can you really contribute to a conversation that goes something like this:
mil: wasnt that funny, that one time in disneyland?
sil: (laughing) oh yeah, THAT time...hilarious.
[inane tittering and giggling commences]
seriously, their conversations are much like that. you have had to be there to get it, otherwise it's pointless to even try to pretend to know (or care) what they are discussing. but it's definitely uncomfortable to sit there amidst such blatant rude behaviour,especially when you are trapped into sitting there for an hour plus for dinner. occasionally my father in law will emerge from the conversation and notice that nobody's talking to me and he will ask me a question. usually it's something inane or uncomfortable like "how often do you vacuum" or "when are YOU going to put a roof over your deck" and the entire table will stop to listen to my response, as if i've suddenly appeared at the table like a spectre. i will immediately feel uncomfortable because they will all stop and stare and my stupid husband wont come to my defense to help answer the question, but rather takes on the form of a juror or interrogation panel member as i'm quizzed about inane and irrelevant subjects that i firmly believe they will rehash in their nightly phone home to mommy calls.
regardless, every family dinner goes that way. even if it is just ch and the sil, they will talk about inane and boring things like how the flames are doing, or go ON about sports and conversations that are not all-inclusive. i tend to think that it's their way of reiterating that you dont quite belong in this exclusive and wonderful club they've created for themselves and i think they just enjoy making it blindly obvious that you dont fit in.
there are times where i truly just want to get up from the table and leave. i doubt anyone would notice either, except for when it came time to brag about how drunk with power someone is. most of the time, i sit there and try to conjure up memories of discussions i've had with people who make me laugh, and as a result, i'll often start giggling to myself or snickering. mostly, i just think about therapy and make mental notes about how i've got to talk about this with my therapist in the next session.
as for tonight, i really hope i can just get out of going by just saying that i dont want to be there. do i like ch's cousins? for the most part, yes. they are all harmless people. incredibly dull, but harmless. but just because they're harmless doesnt mean i want to endure hours of shameless self promotion by the narcissist of the family either. i saw her two weeks ago and that was enough. i should be good for another six months.
i've:
*slept
*eaten profuse amounts of food for which i'll be exercising like a mad demon later
*felt guilty
*come up with excuses
*cleaned dog shit and vomit off the carpet
*cussed internally toward my husband for stepping OVER said shit and vomit
*typed emails
*surfed the net
*thought long and hard about escapism
*sneezed
*drank coffee till i vibrated
*driven like a maniac and resisted the urge to hold down the horn while doing so
*sent text messages
*gossiped
*thought about becoming a better person but decided to procrastinate on that one for a while
*shopped
*wondered just how hard eating clean is going to be
*wished i could be anywhere but here at this very second
just read a great article from nerve this morning about catholicism and sex.
i think this quote sums it up perfectly:
Now, you have a few options. You either:
1) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you couldn't care less about and never get pregnant because somehow God has chosen YOU to be the patron saint of pulling out.
2) Continue having unprotected sex with motherfuckers you think you care a lot about and then one of them gets you pregnant and you decide to have the baby, because Saint Catherine has taught us that abortions are badbadbad and even worse than premarital sex. And because you feel as if you are responsible enough to put your child through the same Catholic bullshit nightmare that you yourself had to endure.
3) Have straight sex, gay sex, queer sex, and self sex and never get pregnant because God doesn't want you to introduce the fucking antichrist into the world, because He knows Damien will definitely come from your wayward-ass vagina. Step into a Catholic church only a few times after your confirmation — only because of familial obligations — and each time, get scared that you will turn into a pillar of salt, a pile of ashes, a three-headed anteater or some shit like that because you now know, in the depths of your dark, atheist soul — you know, like in the pit of your stomach, that part that compels you to smoke lots of weed and have sex in public libraries — that you hate Catholicism and you LOVE being pro-choice.
you can view the entire article here: http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/maldonado/sex-catholicism-and-me/
(i'm looking over my shoulder as i write this but i'm definitely option 3. just sayin')
i had the opportunity to see jason play back in early 2005. he was amazing. i'd never heard of him before, but loved his stuff immediately. i also had the pleasure to meet him and have a good laugh with him, as well as get an autographed cd.
this song is one of my favourites and should have been our wedding song.
here are my cats...
tasha, whom i've had since november 1994. i think she picked me, rather than the other way around. from the minute i took her out of the cage at the spca, we were friends. to this day, she will follow me around the house like a good ol' puppy-cat.
and here's sid. i've had her since the spring of 1995 and got her as a companion to tasha. i dont think tasha would be happy as the only cat in the house. to say that sid is overweight is not doing it justice.
damn dogs have my heart. they might puke, shit, and piss on random and expensive objects, but they have my heart in their smelly little dog paws.
this is czar in her favourite place to sleep, looking absolutely put out by me intruding on her doggy dreams:
and here's hudson at the top of the stairs watching for "big ones" and "See 'emmm"s in the park across the street:
i think i'm getting sick. like, just noticed it 10 mins ago. great.
i have the gym tonight at 7:15 and i'm thinking i might have to miss it. shit.
lately i've been hearing a lot about oil of oregano. my parents swear by it, as do some of my other friends. i think i'm going to go out and get it.
seriously, as i type this, i am feeling progressively worse.
dammit.
i found alley kat here. i'm stoked.
not a lot of things make it here to the desert, but i was fortunate enough to hear through the grapevine that alley kat beer is sold in a local beerstore. excited, i headed down there today to see. they had my favourite: "Aprikat" which combines the deliciousness of beer with a freshly picked apricot. taste it and you will know what i'm talking about.
the second 6 pack i purchased was their "Pumpkin Pi" beer, which i'm told tastes like a fresh slice of pumpkin pie. i can not wait to taste this and will be giving a brief review tomorrow.
http://www.alleykatbeer.com/
i bought an aloe plant from home depot approximately 1 1/2 yrs ago. at the time it was about 6 inches tall. i bought it because succulents are easy enough to take care of and i also remember my grandpa c had quite a few of them.
the largest "domesticated" (for lack of a better word) aloe i've seen is in robin's parents' place. it's huge. unmoveable. insane. something you'd swear you'd see in the middle of a desert, than in a livingroom.
i believe my aloe is well on its way to that size. it's easily doubled if not tripled its original size. currently it sits in my southeast kitchen window nook by my sink. it has a window on the east and south side of it, so it gets the early morning sun, as well as some afternoon sun and heat. i think it's incredibly happy there.
recently a stalk resembling an asparagus has emerged from the centre of the plant. i've never seen anything like it before, but i believe it's going to bloom...i've never heard of domestic aloes blooming. obviously my "FEED ME SEYMOR" plant is thriving.
what's next tho? will it want to be fed meat?
i'm done!
WOO!
i finally broke down and called someone to do the final flooring and baseboards. it was too much for me to take on. i had complained to michelle, telling her how frustrated i felt and she said that one of her clients was a handyman and had given her a pile of cards, and told me i should call him.
well, it turned out wonderfully. "the In-Sehn Handyman" was truly awesome. very meticulous, hard working, and a perfectionist. a really nice guy who just happens to be related to us. who knew? it seems like 90% of this city is related to ch in some manner. this guy's wife happens to be a pseudo cousin to ch. small towns. jesus. anyway for less than $250 and 7 and three quarters of an hour's work, he was finished.
i think it looks beautiful.
the next step for me is hanging pictures. i'm going to attempt to do a photo wall. wish me luck!
well, we are drawing to the close of another 8 week session. i think tomorrow is the last class before classes start up in november, but i'm not sure. there are always rumblings, but you never quite hear the truth. i've heard variations on it many times over the last couple of days...does it end friday or not? ugh. i'm not hauling my ass out of bed at 5:30 on monday if that is not the case.
i dont know what i'm going to do for november/december. i was debating about taking the 6am bikini boot camp, but it means shelling out $250, versus the free classes i currently take. and with bikini, you are forbidden to eat or drink certain items, and i know there are quite a few occasions coming up where i'd be expected to partake, so really...is it worth shelling out that kind of money, only to let yourself down? not really. as it is, i know what i should be doing and i do journal daily, so i think i'm on the right track.
the other day, as added incentive, i decided to try on all the dresses in my closet. well, the one i specifically use to measure progress was not comfortable at all. when i bought it back in january of 09, it was a bit snug. i had purchased it especially for our final dinner at our work convention in mexico and by the time i got to mexico, it fit wonderfully and was comfortable. i can not say the same now: there is NO way i could sit down in it without hearing a big RIP! and sure, i probably could go out and buy spanx, but why when i know that i can diet and exercise. all it means from me is being more diligent and careful and maybe staying away from the pub on friday nights, or at the very least, staying away from schooners and drinking water instead. terribly boring, but it does help.
so that is where i stand now in terms of motivation. that black dress HAS TO fit by the beginning of march when our next convention comes around. we're going to maui, so i want to tighten up. i realise that genetics might play into it and wreak havoc in terms of expecting ALL the muffin top and fat ass to go away, but if i could reduce *some* of it and fit comfortably back into my black dress (the proverbial measuring stick of success or failure), then i would be infinitely happy.
all i know is that i have to WORK HARDER. there is no other option.
my mom loves to talk and loves a rapt audience. it can be about anything from the weather to neighbourly gossip, but she is always talking. i have mastered an art of pretending to listen, while inwardly wincing at the volume and tone of her voice. at those moments, i can cluck and respond appropriately while not paying the slightest bit of attention to her. it's an act i've had many years to perfect and i'm damned good at it.
talking about yesterday's pickle story reminded me of many foods that were not ever seen within the four walls of our home. i never touched a kiwi fruit until i was long out of the house. mom never would buy it for unknown reasons. same with peppers. i always had a preconcieved notion that they were disgusting. quite the opposite. i find both food items to be particularly curious and i have no idea why she balked at buying them but she did. now they are staples in my diet.
mom went through many bizzare phases, one of which was buying powdered milk instead of the real deal. it was disgusting and i could barely choke it down. it was never mixed quite right, always weak, with stupid unblended chunks floating lazily on the top. those things got me gagging each time. she also had a desire to force us into eating liver. neither of us would eat it and she knew it, yet she continued to serve it and force us to sit there until it was gone. let me tell you that there were plenty of nights where i sat alone in the kitchen stubbornly refusing to touch that disgusting piece of organ meat. even she would admit she hated it, yet she still cooked it, claiming it was for dad...why she never made a separate meal for us is beyond my comprehension.
i swear my mom had some kind of perverse desire to save every penny while spending irrationally in other areas. at dinner she would go on about how cheaply she made it and how every single solitary item "only cost" ___. every. single.dinner. and because my mom loved to have an audience, she had three willing listeners. i dont remember anyone ever commenting back to her how wonderful it was that she saved the family money each meal. my dad never said anything and thinking back now, we were so conditioned to her pleasure with herself that we tuned it out.
on the flip side, mom would buy craft supplies till we were literally tripping over them all throughout the house. in corners, on tables, in bags we'd find balls and balls of wood and thread. also in those bags were pattern books and dog eared corners of cross stitch patterns she was aching to try. when i recall that, i wonder how many hundreds she spent on this stuff while completely cheaping out on dinner and providing things for us.
in grade 9 i had TWO pairs of pants, which was completely fine in her eyes. TWO. one pair of jeans, one pair of leggings. she didnt give one red hot damn either. so i'd wear the jeans monday, wednesday, and friday and the green leggings tuesday and thursdays every single week of grade nine. it was terrible. god only knows why she let me do that, all while coming home each week with a new knitting or cross stitching project. it was like she was trying to torture or punish us for some imaginable hurt. in our home ec class i made an ugly pair of pink sweatpants and she figured that solved my fashion dilemma and to stop complaining about not having clothing. afterall, she did spent thousands (in her eyes) on the material and supplies to make those fucking things. you can bet that the fabric was bought in the discount bin...and really, how much IS elastic for a skinny grade niner's waist? you do the math.
i remember when she'd fight with dad because she always dragged us into it as if we had a place there by her side to defend her. all day long we'd listen to her berate and complain about my dad and because i was gullible and naive (there probably wasnt a more gullible kid on earth back then), i believed her and sided with her. so dad would walk in the door from work and i wouldnt talk to him. meanwhile, she would act as if nothing was wrong and be pleasant and happy and it would be on my 11yr old brain to try to figure all that out. how confusing and utterly unfair. i'm just grateful that they stayed married because i'm sure that had they divorced, i'd never have talked to my dad because of the lies she would have told.
one fight in particular resonates with my sister and i. it was in the 80's sometime, back when wearing fur was de rigeur and chic. grandma always had fur coats and i think her daughter got one, which just got my mom's goat. now she HAD to have one and it became her quest to attain it. she went on to jan and i, trying to justify why she wanted one. her reasoning was that she was allowed to feel special and beautiful the same way our aunts did and it was her right. nevermind that the coats cost $3000, nevermind that her kids were outfitted in hand me downs and our dinners were nickled and dimed, she had a right to wear fur. on a saturday she even dragged us into the bay in southcentre mall and looked at fur coats and picked out the one she wanted. i remember being terribly bored by it all but wanting to run my hands over each soft coat. i think it all culminated in her pleading her case all the way up to calgary, a case, i might add, that was soundly ignored by my dad.
i think she pouted for a good long while and then set her sights on something else.
meanwhile, i retreated to my room, no doubt in my green leggings.
i bit into a dill pickle tonight and immediately had flashbacks to visiting my grandma's house.
i think that's where i had my first dill pickle and i became addicted to them right then and there. so crunchy, salty, dilly...oh i loved biting into them.
for some reason my parents never bought that stuff. it was like a forbidden item in our house, so i would count down till saturdays so i could eat dill pickles at grandma's house. it was fun, up till the point of my dad showing me the nutritional information once, killing any and all joy there might have been in a solitary crunch.
i remember we were at the foothills hospital for some reason and i'm sure it was to visit either grandpa or grandma. there was a summer once where both of them were simultaneously sick and we were staying at their house and making frequent visits up to the hospital to see them. for what seemed like an eternity, our family played house there one summer.
we'd go up to the hospital and see the grandparents who werent in the same room. that always perplexed me. i remember seeing grandma hooked up to her iv, always a perpetual pest to the nurses, claiming she'd just turn up her iv to make it flow faster so that she'd get it off her veiny wrist sooner. the nurses would come in, tell her to leave it alone, and turn the iv back down. she'd just sass them back and wait till they disappeared and turn it back up. as i look back, i laugh at how much of a devil she could be. full of piss and vinegar.
it was on one of those visits where my dad took me on a field trip to show me the nutritional info, basically showing me that my days of eating pickles was approaching its eternal sunset. that fucking killjoy. i might have been 10 or less at that point, but i remember hating him for ruining what i considered a good thing.
eating tonight's pickle reminded me of all the goodies i'd find at grandma's: REAL butter on the counter, a tall cupboard full of syrups, spices, and wonderful smelling things, all things never found in my house back in herronton. i'd go snooping at times, a totally forbidden activity for which i was often punished. on one occasion, my father caught me red handed as i was going through that cupboard full of curiousities in their blue bathroom. he said nothing, but returned moments later to tell me that grandma wanted to talk to me. and when i came outside, she was lounging on the west lawn in the sun with her sunglasses on. i couldnt see her eyes, but i knew they were cold. she scolded me, told me i was naughty, made me cry for snooping, all while my dad stood there and listened pleased with himself. that simple act of tattling brought him such joy that i'm sure it reminded him of his childhood with one of his four sibs standing there watching, except it was me on the receiving end.
time may pass but there are certain things that i cant erase from my memory.
all this from a crunch of a dill pickle.
et tu, brute.
it can be pretty lonely in the desert.
out here i'm surrounded by aliens pretending to be family.
i feel drained, a stranger in an even stranger land.
they make me feel abnormal, foreign, different, unwelcome.
i retreat, dissect myself, feel inadequate, little.
in rare and wonderful moments i remember good times with family.
laughter at grandma's in her basement, raucous giddy laughter of two pre-teen girls holed up in the bedroom giggling at everything and nothing, while being admonished by strict parents threatening voices from the livingroom.
reconnecting is always wonderful.
we meet over sushi, four grown beautiful women, all with stories and hugs to exchange. laughter, oh the laughter...so soothing.
sharing, talking, eating. i dont want the night to end.
we meet rarely, but when i leave i am reminded that i am not alone in this world.
this family is my normal.
i embrace it and am warmed by it.
normal.
i've been watching a lot of the cooking network lately, mostly out of boredom, but partially because i'm interested in picking up new techniques and ideas for the kitchen.
last summer rhonda had terri and i over for an awesome dinner in her back yard. this year i would like to return the favour.
i've been tossing around the idea of making cedar planked salmon with grilled veggies and sweet potato fries. i just saw a great recipe for mojitos courtesty of "chuck's day off" which consist of watermelon, pineapple and lime. i have to write it down now because there will be no way that i'll remember by the summer.
crush mint and lime together. add in watermelon and pineapple and continue to crush. transfer to a taller receptacle and add sugar cane syrup, ice, and rum. shake and then add pineapple juice and pour into glasses. top off glasses with soda water and a sprig of mint.
i'm not a mojito girl, but this does sound yummy. i will just have to figure out a dessert and we will be all set!!
cheers until summer...
i was just entertaining the prospect of going to DQ for dinner. i want a hamburger, onion rings, and a blizzard.
i just checked the nutrition data on line for those three items and it added up to 1260 calories!! when you are supposed to have roughly 1500-1800 calories and less than 50g of fat per day (according to my age, weight, activity level, etc), then that is absolutely ridiculous. i was looking at the fat content of the burger and it was 14g of fat and the onion rings had 16...i didnt look at the blizzard, but i cant imagine how bad it is.
thankfully the nutrition information is on line so i can look this up and silence the cravings.
oh, but i would kill for a burger. i really would.
lettuce leaves all around...
sigh.
does everyone have a plan b? i think most of us do.
i seem to always have one just in case things all go to shit. that doesnt necessarily mean that i'm socking away money, but in the back of my mind, i'm always entertaining the unknown and creating a plan just in case.
i have been friends with an individual since we met in 1995 @ work. i had a mad crush on him back then, but he didnt notice me. he was a couple years younger than me and always seemed preoccupied with his friends and all the shit that guys like at 22. i was just a coworker.
eventually he moved on and we lost touch. i ran into him at the bar once and we hung out and then went for dinner afterward. you know, the drunken 3am "hey, let's get chinese" dinners. yeah, those.
we'd run into each other now and then. at one point he wanted me to move in with him and be a room mate. i debated, but was turned off by the place he wanted me to stay in. it just didnt work for me, so i elected to stay where i was.
my cousin and i used to hit electric ave and various other places in the late 90's and at the end of the night would always call this guy to come over for our 3am chinese feasts. no matter what he was doing (mostly sleeping i think), he would come 1/2 way across the city to score a free meal and dinner with two hot chicks. nothing ever came of it. i think my cousin had a mad crush on him, so it was usually her calling him. i think they kissed once.
he and i hooked up once and it was kind of unremarkable. one of those incidences where i knew it was meaningless, but it wasnt really enjoyable. and nothing materialized from it. i went my way, he went his.
facebook came along and we met up again. talked, chatted, and eventually caught up over lunch. he had been married and divorced and was bitter and rightfully so. we continue to maintain a friendship, altho it's mostly just texting and bb messenging. nothing special, just a "hey, how are you" kind of thing.
but usually the conversation gets around to the past. inevitably it comes up in discussion and i SWEAR i'm not the one bringing it up. he will start off by saying something about spicy squid (a dish we always ordered and loved, the three of us) and then it will inevitably lead to conversations about the one hook up we had.
again, it was ONE night. nothing special. but he constantly goes back to it and talks about it with the not so hidden hope that we could rekindle it someday. he's always joking about it, but i dont think it's a joke, ya know. oh and did i mention, he lives with his girlfriend? i find that part incredibly odd.
it's flattering, i have to admit. and there is that part of me that still thinks he's attractive. but would i leave my husband for him? hell no. and i feel immense guilt having conversations about the past, conversations i swear i do not bring up. i'd rather shoot the shit, chat about whatever's current, and move on.
i will always ask him why it is he is giving me the attention now that we are both attached. i have told him that i liked him quite a bit, but he never noticed me, or appeared not to. why is it that we seem to want something when we cant get it? (i'm asking this retorical question toward him...)
i have entertained the idea of him being my plan b, but there is a part of me that has no desire to revisit that night in december of 1997. no thanks. there's something dreadful about reopening history that never bodes well for me. in the past, i have re-dated, and quite frankly it ends in more disaster than if i had just left it alone.
neumann...i think i'll be his plan b, whether i like it or not.
i was just out in the garden planting. it's freaking 18C here, so why not!
i planted tulips and hyacinths. they need to be planted in the fall and will be (hopefully) the first to arrive with the spring. 1/2 way through i realised i had two new blisters on the palm of my right hand. not exactly a convenient spot to have a blister.
and i'm worried that i didnt dig the bulbs deep enough. i covered them all with mulch, so i hope that helps. hopefuly there will be some plants in the spring and at that time, i'll post pictures.
till spring...auf wiedersehen bulbs!
so the step cousin's husband retired the other day. our family was invited to his party.
naturally the starfuckers all went. so it was the inlaws with the brother and his wife, who towed along their two brats. fuck, WHO brings their 5 and 3yr old to a fucking retirement party for a washed up celebrity?
worse yet, the fucks just called here to say that a tv station was taping it and it would be broadcast tonight....all of them in their starfucking glory.
i will watch, but only to laugh.
like i've said before, none of these people would have anything to do with the cousin if it wasnt because she married this semi famous person.
my inlaws are fucking pathetic.
recently, RL has come under fire again about a model fired for being considered "too fat". they photoshopped her in the ad to make it more "appealing" to the customer.
tell me, does THIS look at all appealing????
this girl doesnt even look like a fucking human being. and i dont know of anyone in their right mind who would buy clothing off a fucking skeleton. could you imagine someone like posh spice declaring "oh i love how that cut accentuates your hip bones"...ugh.
ralph lauren: STFU. to think that you believe this picture will sell whatever it is you are pushing is beyond ignorant.
STFU.
you are pushing a bizarre ideal, something unattainable, encouraging young impressionable girls to throw up their meals, deny their hunger, and achieve unattainable and UNATTRACTIVE goals.
fuck you for making our society what it is. i know you are not solely responsible for this bullshit, but you are doing nothing to stop it.
i want to pass you on a HEARTY helping of STFU.
asshole.
here i sit again, wondering what i should do. and because i'm a stupid virgo, i cant figure out the right path.
i used to hang out with a group of girls. we'd go for lunches and coincidentally, our husbands all got along. to say it was a merry 8-some was putting it adequately.
but then shit started happening. namely, i decided that i was sick and tired of being a fat louse and wanted to do something with myself, other than eat and drink. with this group, i did those things to excess. and when i rejoined the fitness studio, i was serious about losing weight and getting healthy, so something had to give.
i felt that the group had to go.
there were many reasons, but the primary one was that it just didnt jive with my fitness plan. i'd always hear that i didnt have to work out, that i was fine as i was, and that one beer or three wouldnt kill me. at the same time, i knew that one beer didnt do me any justice and that "one beer" got me in the predicament i was in back in may of 2008.
so i left the group slowly. just stopped going for lunches. and the craziest thing happened...i had energy to take on tasks i never considered before: dug up the garden, planted new bushes and shrubs, and painted the house. i had energy renewed. it was as if i was reborn. i was finally LIVING. to be cliche, it was as if a cloud was lifted.
the group didnt take kindly to my coup. on one visit to a member, i was asked why i wasnt around as much anymore, to which i replied (to what i thought was in confidence) that i found the group oppressive and too much of an obligation. i figured it was ok to say.
it wasnt.
that comment was later taken back to the group on a tuesday lunch and dissected. torn apart and what emerged was ugly and dark.
instead of talking to me and confronting me on what i said, they turned on me like mean girls.
but in the meantime, i was blissfully unaware and quite happy to move on to my own pursuits of fitness and finding friends with similar interests. life was good. i really honestly didnt miss the group dynamic.
in october of 2008, one of them removed me from her fb account, which really made me mad. it was unprovoked and uncalled for. afterall, we hadnt had any fights or bickering. it just came out of the blue.
i got angry and removed the other two, doing so before they could remove me, because i figured it would be a group decision. out of guilt i then removed myself from facebook.
months passed and curiousity got the better of me and i rejoined facebook. i reconnected with one of the group members in 2009 and we have maintained a friendship since. i consider her one of my good time gretchen weiner girls.
recently i attended a wedding where i ran into a husband of one of the girls who sat me down to ask me why i was no longer friends with his wife. so i explained the whole stupid thing, right down to the fitness explanation and the facebook crap, and he said that she missed me and wanted me back in her life.
i know i'd rather hear it from HER than her husband. it becomes a little too much "he said, she said" for my taste.
at the same time, the gretchen friend gave me shit for the events and told me that stuff i said in confidence (about finding the group an obligation etc) got back to them and they were all upset about it and that's why everything played out the way it did. we had it out and it felt good. in the end, we worked it out. as a matter of fact, gretchen is in vegas and we are texting back and forth, wishing we were there together. it will be fine between us.
but what i'm having a dilemma over is contacting karen again. her husband insists that i should and that she would be happy to hear from me. but i have filled karen's gap with other activities and i'm not so sure i'm completely ready to bring the DRAM back into my life.
when i went to havre with gretchen and regina i had a great time. regina and i ended up sharing a room and getting along great. i missed her. i hoped to be able to see her again. i have the same hopes for karen, i really do.
but i just dont know what i should do. as it stands i will likely email karen and just put it out there, knowing that karen is not the kind of girl who makes the first move.
i will see tho...i still have to think and this third glass of wine isnt helping.
or is it?
but i think it's time you STFU.
seriously.
i dont like your attitude and i like it less as soon as you open your mouth.
asking me about my nephew is always a step towards you standing on a soap box prostheletizing on about how wonderful your blood nephew is, how much smarter, talented, special he is than my blood nephew. ok, i SEE THROUGH IT. you are trying to imply that my family's genes are weaker. i get it. but i dont like it.
in short, you are a bitch with no friends. i dont think you have a real friend outside of your family, you know. any "real" friends you have live far away and are likely glad they dont see you regularly.
i have tried to like you, oh god i have, but you have countlessly turned on me. there's one thing you dont get or appreciate about me: i am sensitive and i usually give people the benefit of the doubt. i can be loyal to the bitter end, but you have crossed me enough to let me know that it is merely wasting my time.
i dont appreciate asking you a simple benign question as to where you are getting your masters degree (because i seriously had NOT heard of gonzaga or knew of its geographic location), but you took it to be a huge insult on your character for some godforesaken reason, and turned on me like a cobra and told me that my education and university was known as a "last chance university, somewhere people applied to only if they couldnt get in elsewhere". know what? that's a blatant LIE. and even better yet? your fucking degree from your university means shit compared to getting it from mine. ask any recruiter and they'll tell you they want U of L grads.
while we were at your house, you took to insulting my nephew and then later insulting my husband for not answering his phone when you call. let me get one thing clear with you: his phone is not the bat phone that you can call 24/7 when you want something. and ya know what? you usually want stupid things...like calling him to come kill a spider. a spider who lived OUTSIDE of your stupid condo. a spider that you had adequate bug spray to kill on your own. but instead, you played the weak woman (a syndrome that gallops in your family) and had him come kill it. can you BLAME him for screening your calls?
i also hate how you treat your parents. oh you think you are the only one who cares about them, but in reality you treat them like your common slaves, telling them when and how high to jump. you will demand they come on your schedule to do your bidding. like the time you told your dad to come and help you build a work station in your garage. he came for the weekend and you spent part of it visiting with them and lazing about until it was time to actually get to work in your cold garage and you got up and declared that you had homework to do, so you left your 60+yr old dad in the garage at 6pm on a november night to do it on his own.
i get that your parents are adults and that you are an adult, but i think that you all live in a dysfunctional system of denial. a place where none of you accept each other as they truly are. your parents refuse to see you as a grown up woman because to do so would deplete their usefulness in life, and you are more than ok to play into that role and have them coddle you, even tho you are past the age of a place where that is acceptable.
and you know what? approaching your new position as the VP does not give you the power you think you deserve in life. i have heard more than once that you are now "drunk with power" in your current position, which just tells me that the hiring committee was obviously too rash in making a decision. it makes me think that they really had no candidates to choose from if you were the best choice. that doesnt say much. i highly doubt your predecessors walked about the halls saying the same unprofessional thing. i feel pity for you because you clearly have not found a mentor to style yourself after. i do believe you think you are the mold which all others were created.
oh, and while we are at it, your colleagues talk about you regularly and not in flattering ways either. and the thing is, i know you care. i know you concern yourself with how others see you, yet you make no steps toward changing how you treat others. to be told by your superiors that you are not treating support staff properly and to have you return and say that "you were never taught how to treat them" is absolutely inexcusable. why they couldnt have asked your colleagues before promoting you is beyond me.
you are not accountable for anything you say or do. it's never your fault for how you treat people or how you talk to anyone. afterall there is always someone who comes along and covers for you, but i imagine that you are finding it more difficult to find people in your corner, arent you?
i hate that i have spent hours in therapy trying to dissect your brain and ending up with the same conclusion. i'm still puzzled how you can have a job with authority yet have no accountability or maturity beyond it.
i just dont understand how things fall into your lap. on one hand i applaud you for being ambitious, but on the other, i know you've stepped on plenty of toes to get where you are. i know you kissed ass big time to your boss to get your promotion. it's funny how you were the only staff member to get along with him and then you got your current job.
i dont get you.
i cant like you.
it's that simple.
hey guys!
have i told you that i love you yet? probably not.
it's not something i say often, but it's something i feel a lot. does that make sense?
i love going to your houses and visiting. yours, michelle, with the cool indie chick vibe with the guitar and stand, the cats, and the incense. oh, and i love the fact that you make salad rolls like a native thai chef and that mulligatawny is to DIE for. seriously. and you always have the best fashion sense without trying. your hair that you trim yourself in between visits to see joel is so cute. i only wish that i had the knack and the bravery. and i have had some of the best times smoking pot with you. oh we laughed. i still laugh thinking of how we screamed off my front porch and nearly wet ourselves by trying to imitate cops at 4pm on a friday afternoon with a baseball hat and a blowdryer.
kim, i love coming over to your house. the visits are always great with the brewed tea and desserts, combined with visits with your daughter. have i ever told you how much i love her and i'm NOT a kid person? she's adorable. i think i love her more than i do my inlaw niece and nephew. really. it's totally awesome to see you and clay at a level where you just connect and make it all happen effortlessly. you make it look easy: from the parenting, to painting and decor, and cooking. incidentally, thanks to you, i'm more adventurous in the kitchen and in renovating. and for the record, your mother in law is a TOTAL ASSHOLE for the way she treats you because you are NOT the person she thinks you are.
guys, friends should inspire you. and you guys do. i have wanted to be like you guys, not just in how you look or dress because that is silly, but in attitude and how you take on life. in short, i hold you guys in the best light possible. it has always been my bragging point that you are my friends. i always consider that a major coup to know you both on a level that others dont.
i love you guys. i wish that we could see each other more, but i know that we all have agendas and life gets in the way. i still think of you and everytime we see each other i savor every moment.
thanks for liking me despite my attitude, my negativity, my poor fashion sense, and insecurity. i love that you've overlooked my hairy body, my times of thick and lean, and supported me every step of the way.
i am proud to be your friend and i'm here till the end.
love you guys!
trace
ps, i am hoping you both see elephants.
http://www.nerve.com/
fun articles, including an article of the top 40 hollywood rumours. i love me some gossip, so this site had me salivating!
relaxing with a glass of wine. it's a mike weir wine. never had it before, but it has potential i think. not that i'm much of a wine sommalier, but it doesnt taste completely like ass. it will do.
it's 15C here. unbelievable. i went to the bank earlier and overdressed for the weather in a big sweater and even bigger winter coat. meanwhile i had been staring at my computer screen all afternoon where the temps are on the bottom of the screen. i guess that goes to show you just how involved i was in my work. yeah, please pass that onto my boss...for once i wasnt reading CDAN but was actually bona fide working!!
but now? bank recs are done, the bulk of the work is completed and i'm just enjoying life...cheers to a good weekend!
i went to sephora (aka my home planet) and had a good browse through the cleanser section. i wanted a grown up cleanser and moisturizer.
thanks to a couple of FABULOUS men i met in vegas, philosophy's "hope in a jar" was recommended.
i was pretty excited to try it. i had tried it on the back of my hands and found its texture to be smooth and easy to blend into my skin.
simultaneously, i purchased this for $26 cdn:
i was also quite excited to try it out, so upon arriving to my hotel room and preparing for bed, i did the full on face cleanse, followed by the moisturizer. feeling renewed and positive i was making significant and more adult and responsible changes to my face, i retired to bed.
at about 2:30, my face and jawline started itching. madly. it woke me up and i just figured that it was the onset of a zit coming because i get them there now.
in the morning, my entire face was on fire. red. sore. swollen. and when i looked closely, i had small water blisters in places along my jawline...the same places i had been scratching at the entire night.
ugh!
i was embarassed. it looked as if i'd been laying out in the sun for hours on end. the redness was exactly where i would have put the product, so obviously it missed my eyes and mouth area.
fortunately sephora was very understanding. i'm going to give them a massive shout out and say that their ease of return of OPENED product was absolutely appreciated. very great return policy i have to add. it was simple and there were no questions asked, save the question of whether i had someone assist me. uhm, nope. i just picked stuff out, hoping i was making the right decision.
so with a heavy heart and red blistered face, i sit here still wondering if i'll find a cleanser and moisturizer that works for me....
still waiting.
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