Open letter to RDW

heya robin baby,

i miss you.  it's been a while since we've talked.  i can only assume that it's because your parents were back from palm springs and you were being kept under strict watch.  i also figure that you must have a man in your life now and he is occupying most of your time.

i do miss those days of university when we'd hang out at your house drinking caesars and discussing life over simon and garfunkel.  or playing truth or jalapeno.  or laughing at all the fops who tried so hard just to be cool.  oh they were good times.  i remember us tearing it up one night on your birthday and all the adventures we had in that god damned nova.  insanity.  but oh so much fun.

like the tide, we've ebbed and flowed over the years with our friendship.  we were separated for a while when i dated dean.  i wish i had listened more intently to you back then when you expressed your displeasure and ignored me for the rest of 4th year.  why didnt you do that back when i started dating herman?  i've had many nightmares about him since...but we werent that tight back then, were we?  probably not.

i'm glad we got back together in calgary after graduation.  once again we had some awesome times that ended with you telling me that i was basically a loser with no life as you kicked me out of your condo before moving off to seattle in the morning.  i didnt forgive you, nor did i heed any of your advice then and i think i still managed to make out ok.  but once again, i played the bigger person and contacted you and salvaged whatever was left of the wreck of a friendship. 

but this time around you were more damaged than when i saw you last.  ravaged by time and boredom, you took to drinking daily and throwing up anything you ate, all to maintain some unrealistic expectation you have for yourself.  i know someone did a number on you and it wasnt just danny, robin.  i know it is deeper and darker than that, but it's your demon to conquer.  i just see it is all.

after rounds of plastic surgeries, lipo, and facial tattooing, you emerged looking more foreign than i remembered.  i was almost frightened by what i saw in pictures.  you ruined your face with those damned collagen injections, and honey, you were not a lipo candidate.

you kept drinking tho, still trying to fight off loneliness.  i know that you are not the kind of girl to want to sit at home and be someone's wife.  hey, both dave and i knew it when you got engaged and we wondered why.  we knew you were too tough for richard to handle and we knew you'd eat him alive, but you still went on with the wedding.  why?  was it the 9 thousand dollar ring he gave you?  or the chance to get out?  i think it was a combination of both, but we could see that it wouldnt last.

maybe if i  had been a better friend to you, i could have told you that, instead of idly speculating with dave.  i wanted to be so happy for you, but it was hard when i wasnt invited to your wedding.  that stung.  i thought we were best friends.  i wasnt asking to be your bridesmaid, i just wanted to see you get married and be there for that.  did you think that i'd drink your free bar dry?  really?  i can forgive you tho, i really can.

i saw you in person on the flip side, just before heading off to rehab to put the final bandaid on the marriage, which turned out to be the nail in the coffin.  i could see you were giving rehab a false try and i know that deep in your heart you really didnt want to be there or believe in it.  i knew that you thought you could handle your boozing.  i know that deep inside you still want to be that go-to girl, the one who works her balls off in the office 7am-7pm and the girl who parties her balls off all night and gets up and does it all again the next day.  i remember you from your 20's...you wanted to be somebody and you'd stop at nothing to get it.  i always admired you for that trait, but deep down inside there were cracks in your foundation; cracks that would eventually surface once the booze wore off.  i never quite understood how you could have it all at a job, be successful, climb the corporate ladder, and then explode in rage and lose it all after many years of hard work.  i never got that.

i think that's what puzzles me most about you is the self sabotage.  you will have it all with anything in life but then will do something very deliberate to blow it all away.  it's a repetitive pattern, baby, and you completely disregard your mistakes and turn around and make 'em all over again.  it's like you are a phoenix who rises from the ash you create to go on to make the same mistakes.  oh you will have successes along the way, but it all inevitably turns to ash and fire under your own doing. 

here's where i'm gonna get tough with you:  grow up.  honestly, start doing SOMETHING with yourself and stop repeating stupid shit you did in your 20's.  you are nearly 40, and where the meltdowns and epic stories and crises were fun 15yrs ago, they are not so humorous now.  you need to stop doing things to deliberately hurt people around you.  you dont realise it, but you are killing the rest of us every time you do something to sabotage your future.  i personally believe you love the attention sabotage brings and that you are doing it because you feel deprived in some manner.

what always puzzles me is that you are very intelligent, successful, and accomplished when you put your mind to it, but you also work against yourself to undo everything you've done right.  it's like you dont want to see yourself succeed and you love the misery and drama that comes with failure.  i really dont think your parents help you either.  they're enablers who turn a blind eye to your bulimia and alcoholism.  i love and respect your parents, but i wish you'd step away from them for once and stop looking to them for approval and just live your damned life. 

robin baby, i love ya, but i honestly dont miss the drama.  i do mourn for what was, but i know that my future doesnt really have room for constant sabotage.  there are times i feel like i was always the faithful friend you treated like a dog: somedays i got a pet, others i got a kick, and i still came back for more.  i like to think that i'm more secure and confident than i was in my 20's and that i wont tolerate that treatment now.

in all this i suppose i just wanted to say that i miss you, wish you well, and hope that things have changed for the better for you, but i think i know they havent.