clean eating, but can i escape the drinking?

i'm finding the clean eating thing easy enough.  i've eaten a lot of fruit and veggies.  the other night i had tilapia and it was quite tasty with a bit of salsa.  i know, salsa from a jar is not recommended because of the sodium etc inside, but until i figure out the canning process it will have to do.  there are worse things i could put in my gut.

i'm even quite impressed that i bought jello fat free puddings (90cal, .4fat) and havent touched them yet!  that's impressive for me because i ordinarily crave creamy desserts.  instead i've been reaching for fruit and eat source yogurt (35c, 0f).  it's a guilt free treat that i really like and i try to catch it on sale.  buying it at safeway is ridiculous because a "sale" price is 6.99, whereas if i look in superstore or wal-mart, i can get it for 5.99.  even superstore's brand "finesse" is a cheaper alternative with 45 calories and 0 fat.  i will sacrifice the extra 10 calories for price...the taste and texture is comparable.

the problem i find is getting away from booze.  it's always in my house and there are days where i feel the need to consume, which drives me batty.  i can stay away from it, but there are some days/events where it's damned near impossible to detour around.

i hang with a group of people on weekends who are die hard beer drinkers.  i secretly think they have a problem with beer and it's interesting how ch and i have gravitated toward them.  it seems that every weekend we are meeting with these couples and singles and hanging out.  plans get made to spend time together in the future, which is great, but it always revolves around booze.  i have spent time with these people in the past and took a hiatus of sobriety which was wonderful.  and now that i'm back "in the loop" so to speak, it's back on.

i find beer pressure extremely aggravating and irritating and immature and i sincerely wonder why it is i experience it at the twilight of my thirties.  i have made my intentions quite clear (clean eating etc) and i will get the response that i can follow the 80/20 rule...be good during the week, be bad on weekends.  well, i've tried that and quite frankly, it doesnt work.  and i've been reading many articles that say that drinking on weekends, combined with bad eating and food choices, pretty well sabotages all the hard work you do monday to friday, even if that bad night is done one night a week.  well, i dont get out of bed at 530am for nothing, i'm telling you!  really if dragging ass and killing myself at 6am isnt making a difference, then why the hell am i doing it?

the thing is, i enjoy exercising and i'm not quitting for beer.  beer has no payoffs, other than temporary enjoyment.  later on, my clothes dont fit, i find that i'm getting drunk in a black haze where i cant remember the night or how i got home, and i spend the next day in bed hungover and regretting everything while guilt demons plague me.  booze just doesnt really pay off in any manner, yet i can not understand why there is a deep desire to do it.  i swear that if i could stay small and carry on in my life with success, i'd fucking drink every day.  recognizing that, i have to make a conscious effort NOT TO.  i know it is bad for me, there are no benefits unless it's done in moderation.  i recognize that moderation is very difficult for my personality...it really is.

i'm either a full on or full off person.  it's not part of the way.  either i'm a drinker or a nondrinker.  there's no grey with me and i dont think there is a grey for an addict either.  you cant occasionally do meth or coke, it's either or (at least that's what i've taken from shows like intervention).  i think it's the same with drinking for my personality type.  hey, there are people out there that can have a drink every now and then and not take it to a darker level, but for me it's a struggle.  seriously.  i want to keep going.

regardless, i have to be a good girl and have to be conscious about it.  this will mean cutting back whatever's going on during the weekends.  i plan to not have a drink till dec 5th when we're going on a hockey road trip; from there, no drinking till the next weekend hockey road trip (have i mentioned that i HATE hockey?  jesuschristallfuckingmighty), and then no drinks till the boxing day blowout party, and then new years...and from there i plan to drink only on holidays, since we are planning to go somewhere hot in february and again in march. 

i think i can do it...whether my friends get it will be another story and struggle.  guaranteed.