Plan B

does everyone have a plan b?  i think most of us do.

i seem to always have one just in case things all go to shit.  that doesnt necessarily mean that i'm socking away money, but in the back of my mind, i'm always entertaining the unknown and creating a plan just in case.

i have been friends with an individual since we met in 1995 @ work.  i had a mad crush on him back then, but he didnt notice me.  he was a couple years younger than me and always seemed preoccupied with his friends and all the shit that guys like at 22.  i was just a coworker. 

eventually he moved on and we lost touch.  i ran into him at the bar once and we hung out and then went for dinner afterward.  you know, the drunken 3am "hey, let's get chinese" dinners.  yeah, those.

we'd run into each other now and then.  at one point he wanted me to move in with him and be a room mate.  i debated, but was turned off by the place he wanted me to stay in.  it just didnt work for me, so i elected to stay where i was.

my cousin and i used to hit electric ave and various other places in the late 90's and at the end of the night would always call this guy to come over for our 3am chinese feasts.  no matter what he was doing (mostly sleeping i think), he would come 1/2 way across the city to score a free meal and dinner with two hot chicks.  nothing ever came of it.  i think my cousin had a mad crush on him, so it was usually her calling him.  i think they kissed once.

he and i hooked up once and it was kind of unremarkable.  one of those incidences where i knew it was meaningless, but it wasnt really enjoyable.  and nothing materialized from it.  i went my way, he went his.

facebook came along and we met up again.  talked, chatted, and eventually caught up over lunch.  he had been married and divorced and was bitter and rightfully so.  we continue to maintain a friendship, altho it's mostly just texting and bb messenging.  nothing special, just a "hey, how are you" kind of thing.

but usually the conversation gets around to the past.  inevitably it comes up in discussion and i SWEAR i'm not the one bringing it up.  he will start off by saying something about spicy squid (a dish we always ordered and loved, the three of us) and then it will inevitably lead to conversations about the one hook up we had.

again, it was ONE night.  nothing special.  but he constantly goes back to it and talks about it with the not so hidden hope that we could rekindle it someday.  he's always joking about it, but i dont think it's a joke, ya know.  oh and did i mention, he lives with his girlfriend?  i find that part incredibly odd.

it's flattering, i have to admit.  and there is that part of me that still thinks he's attractive.  but would i leave my husband for him?  hell no.  and i feel immense guilt having conversations about the past, conversations i swear i do not bring up.  i'd rather shoot the shit, chat about whatever's current, and move on.

i will always ask him why it is he is giving me the attention now that we are both attached.  i have told him that i liked him quite a bit, but he never noticed me, or appeared not to.  why is it that we seem to want something when we cant get it?  (i'm asking this retorical question toward him...)

i have entertained the idea of him being my plan b, but there is a part of me that has no desire to revisit that night in december of 1997.  no thanks.  there's something dreadful about reopening history that never bodes well for me.  in the past, i have re-dated, and quite frankly it ends in more disaster than if i had just left it alone.

neumann...i think i'll be his plan b, whether i like it or not.