a line which should be delivered to all my inlaws:
you all feel free to criticise everyone around you, while overlooking the clear flaws of your own family and ignoring the most obvious negative attributes.
FOR SHAME!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
run, run, run
today was my running day. i chose to hit the Y earlier than i usually do because i was up early. ch is at the farm today with the dogs, so i seriously have jackall to do and it's GREAT!
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"it's not my fault!!!"
oh such a common refrain heard in the inlaw family.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
another moron
last wedesday i emailed the fat and useless sil to see if she would object to ch and i taking her sprogs to the stampede in yyc.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
family fuckery
had a message on the phone from ch's crazy aunt bernie on the farm. she calls here once in a while and i never answer it because if i do, you can never get away from the phone. talk-ta-talk-talk-talk. and if you happen to say "would you like to speak to ch?" she will snark at you and say "i wasnt calling to talk to him"....riiiiiight, 99.9999% of all calls from her are for him and messages always start with "hi ch".
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
shit trickles down
i am glad i left heartbreakers. i dont think i'm missing anything. yes, i know that i am a little concerned about losing my cardio, but i think that i can incorporate sprints into my cardio routine or things like jumping jacks and mountain climbers and, yes, even burpees in order to boost what i'm doing.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
legs day
today i worked on the cable machine for legs to check it out.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
- hip adduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip abduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- straight leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- bent leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip flexion on cable (reduced weight to get used to it) 30lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- calf raises 2-25lb dumbbells, 15R, 3S
- leg extension 40lbs, 15R, 3S
- straight leg clean and jerk 12lbs, 15R, 3S (tried it just to see...have to investigate to see if it is actually benefitting my legs or not)
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
Say goodnight and go
Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone
Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Why is it always, always
Goodnight and Go
Goodnight and Go!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
i dont get it
how can a marriage survive when you hate things about the other person?
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
a new hotel
tonight the fil is coming to stay with us. he's just announced he'll be staying here.
last week he decided he was going to go to the farm and do some work, but then got there and found it was too wet. uhm, duh...geee.....they dont have weather forecasting where he's from? honestly.
initially he was going to stay at the sil's for a few days and then ours part of the time, but he wasnt sure when. by tuesday of last week we had no idea when or if he was intending to stay here. well, if you ask me, that's pretty rude. either you want to stay here or you dont.
he postponed what he was planning to do and decided he was going to come this week. he says he's coming tonight and he is staying with us. no asking, just telling us he's staying here. ask me how pleased i am with that because i will be tracyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ed to death for every waking hour he's not meddling at the farm. i asked ch if he knew if his dad would require supper and i got the "i dont know" dance which is so common to the family. i'm pretty sure that the sil knows exactly what is going on and is pissed he is staying here when she could have him doing things on her big assed list of things to do. oh yeah, the sil makes a huge list of "to-do's" for her dad and hands it to him when he gets there. she insists he stay there and cites her list as a reason. personally, i see her wanting to control every aspect of the visit and doesnt want her parents out of her sight, or them randomly visiting us without her supervision. in fact, i bet tonight she shows up here under the guise of having a beer with her dad just so she can monitor the visit. what's even more appaling is that the fil has told me that i should start making a list because the sil and the other useless sil make lists and hand them to him, so in his mind that is perfectly acceptable and he doesnt think there's anything wrong with it. well, just because those two useless assholes tell you what to do and you tolerate it, does not mean that i will tolerate treating you that way. i can not imagine bossing my own dad around like that and handing him a list of things to do, so why in the fuck would i treat someone else's dad like that? i just wasnt raised to be a boss to older adults, and if that separates me from my inlaws, then so be it. i'm perfectly ok with being the anomaly.
so he's coming tonight and will ask me how much i vacuum. in the last week or two, i havent. tough shit. then i know he's going to somehow find out about the shingles missing off the roof and go after me about fixing it. what he really will mean is that he wont fix it on this trip but will have to return with the mil in tow and stay here and do it then. i pray that ch says nothing to him about it. i know he will put on his shoes and go downstairs to check our furnace and humidifier and then comment about it. i just have no idea why anyone has the compunction to put shoes on and inspect furnaces when they walk into someone else's house. the fil does tho. then he will come upstairs and grill me on the furnace fuckery and why things werent working and then he will notice that we dont have a digital thermostat, and will demand to know where it is and may or may not install it. if he installs it, he will spend hours demonstrating it to me as if english wasnt my first language. then if i happen to program it in a way he disapproves of, he will critique me for it. he will actually scroll through my programs and then comment on how i've got it programmed so often etc....so basically if i dont have a mirror image of his design, then he's going to find fault with it.
oh yes, i forgot to mention that if he installs the fucking thing,we I will never hear the end of how he installed it and he will make it entire dinner conversation topics of whether i like my thermostat or not. really, he should just be asking for applause and praise at the table, but always has to go around the back way to get it. it was like that when they fucking installed the vacuflo and when they gave me the car. everytime they saw me they asked me how i liked the vacuflo or how the car was doing. in reality, they were just looking for gratification and their toldja so's, thrown in with a few atta boys for good measure.
and then he will go after me about the garden. it will be questions about what i've planted (which i dont mind answering) and comments about how i should finish it off and do it just like the bil and sil have done. well, no. i want to do what i want to do and the rest of them can fuck off. the other day i was telling ch i wasnt quite finished with the borders and wanted to make them curvier and then he started lecturing me about how i'd better do research first before not making straight lines because there might not be curvy bricks out there. uhm, what? of course there are curvy bricks out there....just look around the neighbourhood, you dick! and it's funny to hear him criticise; the king of all laziness in the world. he's yammering away and finding reason to critique and in the meantime he wont lift one shovel blade to help or carry and place one brick in the soil...yeah, fucking easy to sit back and critique and make up things to bitch about when you spend your entire day trying to look busy, but are really just drumming up things to be nasty about. sil, i'm addressing you in that last sentence, too. dont think for a second that you're fooling anyone but yourself...same goes with you, ch.
(aside: fuck, we bought another tree for the yard and ch conveniently disappeared when it came time to dig the hole and put it in the ground...seriously....motherfucker went and cleaned the jeep out to assuage some guilt while i fucking toiled in the sun to put the tree in. and he came out at one point when i was doing something and WATCHED and didnt offer once to put the shovel in the ground or take over....chivalry is completely fucking dead around here....as is repect, courtesy, or consideration. 12 years and it feels as if we are completely dead....)
back to the fil: if, by the grace of god, he leaves early enough in the mornings and returns home later, i wont have to see him. i suspect the sil will want to throw a family dinner at her place tomorrow night because the uncle and cousin will be staying there and she will want us to see them. of course under her supervision. naturally. i'm going to make a point of missing that family fuckery, mark my words. i dont care if i'm so hungry i'd pick out of the garbage...i wont go over there. inevitably i end up sitting literally on the periphery on her rickety stools from ikea (aka "CRAP") while they all chuckle and guffaw amongst themselves telling jokes and recounting stories only they'd get. forget it.
so i have no idea if the fil needs dinner tonight or not. i'm not making shit all for him. i'm going to yoga, cooking my own dinner, and going to bed early. fuck it. i'm not a fucking slave and my house isnt a fucking hotel.
last week he decided he was going to go to the farm and do some work, but then got there and found it was too wet. uhm, duh...geee.....they dont have weather forecasting where he's from? honestly.
initially he was going to stay at the sil's for a few days and then ours part of the time, but he wasnt sure when. by tuesday of last week we had no idea when or if he was intending to stay here. well, if you ask me, that's pretty rude. either you want to stay here or you dont.
he postponed what he was planning to do and decided he was going to come this week. he says he's coming tonight and he is staying with us. no asking, just telling us he's staying here. ask me how pleased i am with that because i will be tracyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ed to death for every waking hour he's not meddling at the farm. i asked ch if he knew if his dad would require supper and i got the "i dont know" dance which is so common to the family. i'm pretty sure that the sil knows exactly what is going on and is pissed he is staying here when she could have him doing things on her big assed list of things to do. oh yeah, the sil makes a huge list of "to-do's" for her dad and hands it to him when he gets there. she insists he stay there and cites her list as a reason. personally, i see her wanting to control every aspect of the visit and doesnt want her parents out of her sight, or them randomly visiting us without her supervision. in fact, i bet tonight she shows up here under the guise of having a beer with her dad just so she can monitor the visit. what's even more appaling is that the fil has told me that i should start making a list because the sil and the other useless sil make lists and hand them to him, so in his mind that is perfectly acceptable and he doesnt think there's anything wrong with it. well, just because those two useless assholes tell you what to do and you tolerate it, does not mean that i will tolerate treating you that way. i can not imagine bossing my own dad around like that and handing him a list of things to do, so why in the fuck would i treat someone else's dad like that? i just wasnt raised to be a boss to older adults, and if that separates me from my inlaws, then so be it. i'm perfectly ok with being the anomaly.
so he's coming tonight and will ask me how much i vacuum. in the last week or two, i havent. tough shit. then i know he's going to somehow find out about the shingles missing off the roof and go after me about fixing it. what he really will mean is that he wont fix it on this trip but will have to return with the mil in tow and stay here and do it then. i pray that ch says nothing to him about it. i know he will put on his shoes and go downstairs to check our furnace and humidifier and then comment about it. i just have no idea why anyone has the compunction to put shoes on and inspect furnaces when they walk into someone else's house. the fil does tho. then he will come upstairs and grill me on the furnace fuckery and why things werent working and then he will notice that we dont have a digital thermostat, and will demand to know where it is and may or may not install it. if he installs it, he will spend hours demonstrating it to me as if english wasnt my first language. then if i happen to program it in a way he disapproves of, he will critique me for it. he will actually scroll through my programs and then comment on how i've got it programmed so often etc....so basically if i dont have a mirror image of his design, then he's going to find fault with it.
oh yes, i forgot to mention that if he installs the fucking thing,
and then he will go after me about the garden. it will be questions about what i've planted (which i dont mind answering) and comments about how i should finish it off and do it just like the bil and sil have done. well, no. i want to do what i want to do and the rest of them can fuck off. the other day i was telling ch i wasnt quite finished with the borders and wanted to make them curvier and then he started lecturing me about how i'd better do research first before not making straight lines because there might not be curvy bricks out there. uhm, what? of course there are curvy bricks out there....just look around the neighbourhood, you dick! and it's funny to hear him criticise; the king of all laziness in the world. he's yammering away and finding reason to critique and in the meantime he wont lift one shovel blade to help or carry and place one brick in the soil...yeah, fucking easy to sit back and critique and make up things to bitch about when you spend your entire day trying to look busy, but are really just drumming up things to be nasty about. sil, i'm addressing you in that last sentence, too. dont think for a second that you're fooling anyone but yourself...same goes with you, ch.
(aside: fuck, we bought another tree for the yard and ch conveniently disappeared when it came time to dig the hole and put it in the ground...seriously....motherfucker went and cleaned the jeep out to assuage some guilt while i fucking toiled in the sun to put the tree in. and he came out at one point when i was doing something and WATCHED and didnt offer once to put the shovel in the ground or take over....chivalry is completely fucking dead around here....as is repect, courtesy, or consideration. 12 years and it feels as if we are completely dead....)
back to the fil: if, by the grace of god, he leaves early enough in the mornings and returns home later, i wont have to see him. i suspect the sil will want to throw a family dinner at her place tomorrow night because the uncle and cousin will be staying there and she will want us to see them. of course under her supervision. naturally. i'm going to make a point of missing that family fuckery, mark my words. i dont care if i'm so hungry i'd pick out of the garbage...i wont go over there. inevitably i end up sitting literally on the periphery on her rickety stools from ikea (aka "CRAP") while they all chuckle and guffaw amongst themselves telling jokes and recounting stories only they'd get. forget it.
so i have no idea if the fil needs dinner tonight or not. i'm not making shit all for him. i'm going to yoga, cooking my own dinner, and going to bed early. fuck it. i'm not a fucking slave and my house isnt a fucking hotel.
back and shoulders...i'm hurtin!
as mentioned above, i did back and shoulders. 20 minutes on the elliptical kicked off the fun...
- bent rows 20lbs R and L 15R, 3S
- military press 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- rotator cuff 6lbs, 15R, 3S
- lat pull down 55lbs, 15R, 3S
- upright rows 12lbs, 15R, 3S
- arnolds 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- shoulder burnouts 3lbs, 3S
- bent flyes 12lbs, 15R, 3S.
F**K!
i think it's time to change my data plan on my blackberry.
i just got hosed for $203.00 in data charges, most of which was data usage...
FFS, i wonder if telus will change that plan, stat??
i just got hosed for $203.00 in data charges, most of which was data usage...
FFS, i wonder if telus will change that plan, stat??
planning ahead removes some stress
well, i've planned today's workout. it's going to be shoulders and back. we'll see if it works out ok. i'll blog about it later.
i've also planned tomorrow's workout, which will be legs. i'm not doing any squats or lunges...none. everything hopefully will be with a resistance band if i can find one, or the cable machines. i'm going to fine tune all my workouts so that they're smooth and adequately cover each body part.
friday's workout will be running i think. i dont need to hit the Y to do that, but i might anyway, depending on the temperature. it might be better to just go and hit the treadmill and do a varied pattern than hit the paths and be in the hot sun. i'd rather be in a/c than out in the middle of nowhere hotter than hell. depending on how sore my butt is, i might ride down there to get an additional cardio kick. we'll see.
saturday i might ride again, depending on the ass. sunday is running, which i'll try to do outside.
that should do it for the week. i think and hope that will be enough to get my metabolism (and spirits) revved.
i've also planned tomorrow's workout, which will be legs. i'm not doing any squats or lunges...none. everything hopefully will be with a resistance band if i can find one, or the cable machines. i'm going to fine tune all my workouts so that they're smooth and adequately cover each body part.
friday's workout will be running i think. i dont need to hit the Y to do that, but i might anyway, depending on the temperature. it might be better to just go and hit the treadmill and do a varied pattern than hit the paths and be in the hot sun. i'd rather be in a/c than out in the middle of nowhere hotter than hell. depending on how sore my butt is, i might ride down there to get an additional cardio kick. we'll see.
saturday i might ride again, depending on the ass. sunday is running, which i'll try to do outside.
that should do it for the week. i think and hope that will be enough to get my metabolism (and spirits) revved.
the karate kid
ok, ok, i swore i wouldnt go see it out of respect for the original, but last night i went with davina and saw it. we had intended to see the prince of persia, but signs up at the movie theatres said that their copies are all scratched (WTF??) and it wasnt showing, so we chose the KK, since we were there at the right time.
i was prepared to not like it, having seen the original a few times, i was wondering how they'd set it all up and play out the story.
of course they didnt have "wax on, wax off", but they had their version of "put the jacket on, take it off, hang it up", which somehow doesnt sound nearly as profound as "wax on, wax off". i think i remember saying that quite a bit as a kid. now the new saying is a little clunky.mr hong played by jackie chan had more depth to his character than mr miyagi played by pat morita. there was more of a story behind his character and his calm facade, which i thought was a nice endearing touch. of course, now that i've typed that, i've also found conflicting evidence from wikipedia stating the contrary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keisuke_Miyagi). maybe my movie memory is as shitty as i believe??
there were references to the old karate kid (remember the fly/chopstick scene?) where only the adults laughed. yes, the theatre was kid-friendly last night, which actually made the movie more enjoyable. no, i didnt have a fever, the kids actually made it funnier. most of them would laugh out loud and guffaw and comment, and it was their pure unadulterated off the cuff laughter that had me enjoying the experience more. i mean, really, as adults we suppress our laughter lest someone look at us funny. the kids? well, those little jackasses didnt care. laughter, guffawing, comments, and even clapping at one point in the movie. it was awesome.
that jaden smith? that kid is RIPPED. we saw a six pack...on a 12yr old. and we were utterly amazed by his skills. i hope he did do his own stunts, and if he did, he's freaking strong!!
yes, the story's the same, the situtation's changed a bit, but it's still enjoyable. it's a movie i would buy. i know i'm a cheeseball, but i enjoyed it. hell, i even clapped when the kid won the tournament...yeah, my inner kid is still alive in here somewhere.
i left the theatre happy and glad i saw it. was it worth the $10? yeah, in my mind it was.
yesterday's workout
i didnt have time to write my workout plan here yesterday, so i'm updating today. going from memory...
i started out with a 30 minute hill walk on the treadmill at 4.1mph. i had hit a button inadvertently which knocked the setting down to level 1 from 6. i didnt realise that until the steeper hills seemed a little less steep while i was trying to climb. not cool. when i finally figured that out, around the 20 minute mark, i jacked it up to level 8 and then 9 at the last 4 minutes of the workout. made it MUCH better. i noticed on there that they have a speed fluctuator which you can program to do timed sprints...i'm going to try to use that today i think.
i'm a little sore from the last 2 days' worth of excercises, so i figure i'm on the right track. not too sore that i cant sit down or raise my arms, but am sore enough to know that whatever i did is obviously challenging and tearing some part of my muscle structure.
yesterday was abs day so i did the following:
at the end, i left sweaty and tired, exactly what i wanted. i probably could have gone harder on the cardio, but will make that mental note for the next time and jack the level higher for hill walking. other than that, it was a good workout.
as for food journalling, i did exceptionally well until i hit the theatre last night and ate a popcorn with butter topping and then came home and had beer. not cool...however, it will be my "Cheat day", so screw it. today's another day in terms of eating and i know i can nail it, so i'm not worried.
as for my ass, which is still sore from biking monday, i'm going to give it another day's rest and then hit the bike again tomorrow morning and hopefully by the 15 min mark i wont be sore. going to aim to do 10k and see how long and far that gets me.
i started out with a 30 minute hill walk on the treadmill at 4.1mph. i had hit a button inadvertently which knocked the setting down to level 1 from 6. i didnt realise that until the steeper hills seemed a little less steep while i was trying to climb. not cool. when i finally figured that out, around the 20 minute mark, i jacked it up to level 8 and then 9 at the last 4 minutes of the workout. made it MUCH better. i noticed on there that they have a speed fluctuator which you can program to do timed sprints...i'm going to try to use that today i think.
i'm a little sore from the last 2 days' worth of excercises, so i figure i'm on the right track. not too sore that i cant sit down or raise my arms, but am sore enough to know that whatever i did is obviously challenging and tearing some part of my muscle structure.
yesterday was abs day so i did the following:
- dumbbell side bends 12lbs, 20R, 2S
- dumbbell crunches 10 lbs, 20R, 2S
- medicine ball seated twist 20 R, 2S
- regular cruches 16 reg, 8 double, up and pulse for 8, 2S
- centre plank: approx 1:30, 2S
- side plank R and L approx 1:30 each side
at the end, i left sweaty and tired, exactly what i wanted. i probably could have gone harder on the cardio, but will make that mental note for the next time and jack the level higher for hill walking. other than that, it was a good workout.
as for food journalling, i did exceptionally well until i hit the theatre last night and ate a popcorn with butter topping and then came home and had beer. not cool...however, it will be my "Cheat day", so screw it. today's another day in terms of eating and i know i can nail it, so i'm not worried.
as for my ass, which is still sore from biking monday, i'm going to give it another day's rest and then hit the bike again tomorrow morning and hopefully by the 15 min mark i wont be sore. going to aim to do 10k and see how long and far that gets me.
good karma
i have opened and held the door for two old ladies today while visiting the bank....
i'd like to think that it will bring me good karma for the day....
please?
i'd like to think that it will bring me good karma for the day....
please?
should it be this complicated?
i went to three separate nutrition and fitness places today in hopes of finding a fitness journal.
yeah, something as benign as a journal has these guys absolutely stymied. you'd think that would be something you'd see in a store, wouldnt you? like, pretty well every fitness magazine or on line journal tells you to monitor your progress, track your reps and sets, write down your food, yet nothing seems to be available here. i dont get why not.
of course i can find stuff on line, but should i have to? i'd like to be able to see what's inside of the damned thing and whether i'm paying for ads inside or if the layout is nice, not going by guess and by golly.
one of the guys told me that he's never seen something like a fitness journal at gnc. i find that hard to believe, considering i found one for less than $12 on their website. maybe he hasnt worked there that long? judging from the size of his biceps (which were irregularly large, if you can read between the lines), he likely has come across something like that in his time spent in the gym. another guy at a fitness store with a gut bigger than a 40yr old beer drinker {i wonder when he'd last seen the inside of a gym, which i know is uber judgy, but c'mon.}, told me that he uses excel to track everything. great in theory, but i'm not going to drag my fucking computer to the gym, now am i? i want something that will fit inside my gym bag, something i can write in on the fly, add to, and check as a reference when i'm there.
the last place i went was popeyes, which i have to say impresses me, mostly because of their on-line reference section which includes journal templates and workout suggestions. i was incredibly amazed and pleased to see those yesterday when i was looking for a journal. the guy there looked the part of a fitness store operator (and was cute, too), and suggested every place i went to. when i commented on how impressed i was about their website and journal templates, he even added his two cents about it, while apologizing for not having something like that in stock. i was more impressed with popeyes...not just because the dude was cute...i think i'm already predisposed to being partial to them based solely on the freebies offered on their website.
so now i'm back at square one. i'm going to look on line for a journal, one that i can "open" and see what's inside, and go from there. yes, i very well could look at our shitty assed coles in the mall, but i really dont want to waste any more time with this...
very annoying.
yeah, something as benign as a journal has these guys absolutely stymied. you'd think that would be something you'd see in a store, wouldnt you? like, pretty well every fitness magazine or on line journal tells you to monitor your progress, track your reps and sets, write down your food, yet nothing seems to be available here. i dont get why not.
of course i can find stuff on line, but should i have to? i'd like to be able to see what's inside of the damned thing and whether i'm paying for ads inside or if the layout is nice, not going by guess and by golly.
one of the guys told me that he's never seen something like a fitness journal at gnc. i find that hard to believe, considering i found one for less than $12 on their website. maybe he hasnt worked there that long? judging from the size of his biceps (which were irregularly large, if you can read between the lines), he likely has come across something like that in his time spent in the gym. another guy at a fitness store with a gut bigger than a 40yr old beer drinker {i wonder when he'd last seen the inside of a gym, which i know is uber judgy, but c'mon.}, told me that he uses excel to track everything. great in theory, but i'm not going to drag my fucking computer to the gym, now am i? i want something that will fit inside my gym bag, something i can write in on the fly, add to, and check as a reference when i'm there.
the last place i went was popeyes, which i have to say impresses me, mostly because of their on-line reference section which includes journal templates and workout suggestions. i was incredibly amazed and pleased to see those yesterday when i was looking for a journal. the guy there looked the part of a fitness store operator (and was cute, too), and suggested every place i went to. when i commented on how impressed i was about their website and journal templates, he even added his two cents about it, while apologizing for not having something like that in stock. i was more impressed with popeyes...not just because the dude was cute...i think i'm already predisposed to being partial to them based solely on the freebies offered on their website.
so now i'm back at square one. i'm going to look on line for a journal, one that i can "open" and see what's inside, and go from there. yes, i very well could look at our shitty assed coles in the mall, but i really dont want to waste any more time with this...
very annoying.
Monday, June 21, 2010
workin it out
day one at the Y.
easy enough registration. swoosh went the visa and it was pretty well done. all except the photo for the card, which is just as well because i know i was looking pretty dark and weird today. too much time in the sun outside without sunscreen and it's starting to get to me.
i have to go to SDM and talk to an esthetician and get a proper sunscreen for my face that wont reek to high heaven and wont sent me back a ton of cash. i hate the reek of sunscreen. probably why i wont wear it that much. it's that sour smell and it's in most of them unless you're going the coconut route.
tangent.
anyway, today's workout was the following:
also forgot to bring a towel, which sucked. thankfully there were towel stations throughout, but i wished i had my own.
looking forward to tomorrow...have to figure out what i'm going to do...
easy enough registration. swoosh went the visa and it was pretty well done. all except the photo for the card, which is just as well because i know i was looking pretty dark and weird today. too much time in the sun outside without sunscreen and it's starting to get to me.
i have to go to SDM and talk to an esthetician and get a proper sunscreen for my face that wont reek to high heaven and wont sent me back a ton of cash. i hate the reek of sunscreen. probably why i wont wear it that much. it's that sour smell and it's in most of them unless you're going the coconut route.
tangent.
anyway, today's workout was the following:
- 20 minutes on the octane, which is really an elliptical trainer
- chest press 12lb, 15R, 2S
- flyes 12 lb, 15R, 2S
- skull crushers 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- windshield wipers 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- bent rows 12lbs, 15R, 2S
- upright rows 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- tricep kickbacks 12lbs, 15R, 2S
- hammer curls 12lbs, 15R, 3S
- bicep curls 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- military press 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- rotator cuff 5lbs, 15R, 2S
- 10 min on the treadmill averaging 6mph
also forgot to bring a towel, which sucked. thankfully there were towel stations throughout, but i wished i had my own.
looking forward to tomorrow...have to figure out what i'm going to do...
new gym today
i'm joining the Y this afternoon and i cant wait! so excited to get down there and begin the begin.
i am looking forward to doing my own thing and being anonymous. being the master of my destiny in terms of fitness.
cant wait.
i am looking forward to doing my own thing and being anonymous. being the master of my destiny in terms of fitness.
cant wait.
why did i wait so long?
i've been putting off riding my bike for what seems like forever now. i think it was mostly the thought of having to reach over the hardtop jeep roof to pull it off the sagging nail in the garage that had me worried.
yesterday i went to cdn tire, determined to get my bike in gear. i bought a new bell, as my old one was dented and didnt "bing" as much as it just made a cricket chirp. i found one that strikes the mini bell loudly and it was under $5, so perfect.
i then found a speedometer/timer/distance calculator by schwinn for $25 which i installed yesterday as well. i've always wanted something to calculate the distances cycled, so i was excited to find one which worked well and was easy to install. i had to tweak it this morning, as the magnet sensor wasnt quite low enough to make the speedometer work. once that bug was fixed, i went on.
average speed was 24k/hr. that's ok for the first ride of the season. i went over 8k and did it in 20 mins. it was just enough for my ass to suddenly remember that i get saddle sores the first few times out and enough to get my heart pumping, my quads burning, and a good deal of O2 intake.
as i cycled, i had that big grin on my face, much like i remembered last year...and then i wondered why i waited so long to do something i really enjoy?
yesterday i went to cdn tire, determined to get my bike in gear. i bought a new bell, as my old one was dented and didnt "bing" as much as it just made a cricket chirp. i found one that strikes the mini bell loudly and it was under $5, so perfect.
i then found a speedometer/timer/distance calculator by schwinn for $25 which i installed yesterday as well. i've always wanted something to calculate the distances cycled, so i was excited to find one which worked well and was easy to install. i had to tweak it this morning, as the magnet sensor wasnt quite low enough to make the speedometer work. once that bug was fixed, i went on.
average speed was 24k/hr. that's ok for the first ride of the season. i went over 8k and did it in 20 mins. it was just enough for my ass to suddenly remember that i get saddle sores the first few times out and enough to get my heart pumping, my quads burning, and a good deal of O2 intake.
as i cycled, i had that big grin on my face, much like i remembered last year...and then i wondered why i waited so long to do something i really enjoy?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
new decisions
i've been going to the FIT classes monday through wed at the gym. enjoying it for the most part because i know what each day entails...until this week.
wednesdays are abs days. always. this week that bitch ashley decided that we'd to a full body workout instead. i inwardly groaned as i knew that would involve squats and lunges. i debated walking out but didnt want to fuck up my fitness. i mean, i NEED the class and need the movement. cutting class really isnt an option.
of course we did lunges and squats. i half assed it and still my knees ached. up till yesterday i couldnt cross my right ankle over my left quad. that's not right! i was so pissed at ashley for changing the class, because i've been counting on the schedule.
because i'm so angry and tired of being injured, i'm going to the Y tomorrow to get a membership. no more classes, no more bullshit. i am looking forward to working out on my terms! actually cant wait!!
wednesdays are abs days. always. this week that bitch ashley decided that we'd to a full body workout instead. i inwardly groaned as i knew that would involve squats and lunges. i debated walking out but didnt want to fuck up my fitness. i mean, i NEED the class and need the movement. cutting class really isnt an option.
of course we did lunges and squats. i half assed it and still my knees ached. up till yesterday i couldnt cross my right ankle over my left quad. that's not right! i was so pissed at ashley for changing the class, because i've been counting on the schedule.
because i'm so angry and tired of being injured, i'm going to the Y tomorrow to get a membership. no more classes, no more bullshit. i am looking forward to working out on my terms! actually cant wait!!
running
today i finally hit the trails again. it's been a while since we've actually had a nice enough running day.
it was 17C with a bit of a wind, but it was bearable and came on the back half of the run, exactly where i needed it.
i think that if i went about an hour sooner it would have been better. it was hot, but not too hot. i can see where that's going to become a problem in the future for sure.
the first K was tough, as they all are. knees were screaming right away and i started wondering if i made the right decision to run. my knees have been really bad this week and i wondered how much i'd pay for this run, but after the first k was out of the way, i felt good. in fact my right knee (the troublemaker) isnt hurting too badly right now.
i just did five k and did it around the 35 min mark. slow first 2.5 and i picked up the pace on the way home. i'm not impressed with my time at all, as i'd hoped to be out there and do it in 1/2 hr. my goal is to be able to do a comfortable 5k in 25 minutes. i believe it's attainable. i debated doing the full route of 7.59 but seeing as i've been off running for a while, i thought i'd leave it for next week and prepare myself accordingly. maybe even wake up earlier.
here's the run...fairly flat and steady...
crises of conscience
black berry messages are interesting. i like getting them and chatting real time with people. i generally dont open them without seeing who it's from. i can do that by going to the message spot on the phone, and i refuse to access it from the bbm icon because it marks the message automatically opened. if it's from sandra, i usually ignore it for a while and then answer. she's the only one i'll do that to because otherwise you're stuck in the vortex of her treadmill conversations about being so hard done by or else she's making you pack your bag for a guilt trip. either way she's fishing for something to do and in the meantime laying the foundation for the oodles of guilt she'll pile on you for not walking with her.
today i got a bb message from the sil. i could only read "wanna" in the message centre. i didnt open or acknowledge it.
of course i'm sitting here feeling rude and passive aggressive and immature for not opening it. there's this part of me that wants to open it and make everything ok (the old tracy) and the other part of me that doesnt want to play into the stupid games that seem to go on in the family. and i havent quite forgotten how she basically left the conversation in limbo, which inclines me to think that i dont owe her my time, attention, or response.
i hate feeling guilt over it...it's undeserved guilt. i really havent done anything wrong.
today i got a bb message from the sil. i could only read "wanna" in the message centre. i didnt open or acknowledge it.
of course i'm sitting here feeling rude and passive aggressive and immature for not opening it. there's this part of me that wants to open it and make everything ok (the old tracy) and the other part of me that doesnt want to play into the stupid games that seem to go on in the family. and i havent quite forgotten how she basically left the conversation in limbo, which inclines me to think that i dont owe her my time, attention, or response.
i hate feeling guilt over it...it's undeserved guilt. i really havent done anything wrong.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
floodsville and unhappy campers
we just got back in from inspecting the river. it's really swollen, yet they are allowing cars over the maple ave bridge. the train is stopped across its river bridge and ch thinks it's to keep the bridge from floating away if necessary. frightening.
i got some good pics tonight of the flood and the city.
before we left, i could hear him on the phone with the sil and as we were driving home, he wondered if i'd want to go out with him to meet her and the cousin at the pub for a beer before they went to the movies tonight. i said no. really, i dont care to meet up with the cousin and i most certainly do not feel like being the sil's audience. too fucking bad.
so then ch basically pouted and decided that he'd stay home. he wasnt going to "sit there by myself"....uhm, you wouldnt be, ffs. whatever. it's not my problem...
so who knows how the sil will take this one. no doubt i'm the bad guy again. jesus christ, if only she knew that he wont do anything alone....
i got some good pics tonight of the flood and the city.
before we left, i could hear him on the phone with the sil and as we were driving home, he wondered if i'd want to go out with him to meet her and the cousin at the pub for a beer before they went to the movies tonight. i said no. really, i dont care to meet up with the cousin and i most certainly do not feel like being the sil's audience. too fucking bad.
so then ch basically pouted and decided that he'd stay home. he wasnt going to "sit there by myself"....uhm, you wouldnt be, ffs. whatever. it's not my problem...
so who knows how the sil will take this one. no doubt i'm the bad guy again. jesus christ, if only she knew that he wont do anything alone....
silence, svp
so far from ch there has been no mention of what the sil asked earlier today. he's still in his pj's and it's 1820, so there's evidently no rush in attempting to make plans with her. i had thought that he was waiting to maybe meet up with her and the cousin later, but he's really not made any effort to get off his ass.
instead i'm cooking chicken and steak on the bbq and having a beer and clam. i dont think we'll be going anywhere tonight, which is fine with me....
i wonder how disappointed the sil is tonight? i'm predicting she is very angry that she has lost control of this situation....
instead i'm cooking chicken and steak on the bbq and having a beer and clam. i dont think we'll be going anywhere tonight, which is fine with me....
i wonder how disappointed the sil is tonight? i'm predicting she is very angry that she has lost control of this situation....
flood
apparently they've evacuated people by helicopter out of yxh. i have no idea which neighbourhoods were affected, but i did see/hear the helicopter earlier this afternoon.
terri's friend is on evacuation notice and they are currently there helping her move her stuff to storage until dryer weather comes.
we are very fortunate to live up here nowhere near the swollen river.
terri's friend is on evacuation notice and they are currently there helping her move her stuff to storage until dryer weather comes.
we are very fortunate to live up here nowhere near the swollen river.
if at first you dont succeed, keep knocking till someone answers
oh it's the inlaws' mantra.
ch's cousin is in town this weekend staying @ the sil's. must be going really well *sarcasm if the sil has had to contact us both several times to try to get us to come over and entertain her.
she MUST be desperate, as she even bb messaged me this afternoon hinting around and wanting to know what it was we were doing this evening. wanting to know if we wanted a bbq, movies, bowling, drinking, or just what. i didnt really say too much. of course i responded. probably shouldnt have, as she hasnt responded to my texts.
of course she tried calling ch first and left him messages on his cell. she knows better than to call here directly, even tho she'd probably get an answer faster. i just love how she suddenly reaches out on the bb messenger system when she cant get what she wants from ch. hasnt talked to me by making initial contact in four months, but now she needs my response? fucking bullshit.
so i had responded kinda vaguely. i figure it's not my decision to make in terms of figuring out the evening. i really couldnt care less about seeing the cousin and figure she's sil's problem in terms of entertaining her. of course the sil spins it as her being charitable in allowing us to share time with the cousin. of course. in reality, it's just her way of sloughing off the responsibility of entertaining someone. at least that's how i see it.
i never said anything to ch about her texts and messages. i knew that i'm plan Z in terms of contacting, so i know that he would have had texts and communications sent to him. i'm the last resort. i was out repotting my tomato plants and could hear him upstairs on the phone having a covert conversation with her.
it's funny to me that he feels like he has to phone her in secret. in the past he's often talked to her in the car. she always seemed to phone him while he was driving (or he phoned her) and he'd pull into the garage, shut the car off, and sit there and talk for 15 minutes in a darkened garage. on her stressful days (which seem to be frequent), he'd be out there sometimes for as long as 45 minutes talking her out of her tree. it always irked me that he thought he had to do it secretly, lest i get angry and implode on him. ffs, it is his sister, however i find that once you give her an inch she'll take full liberty to step over your toes and wear your pants.
so she and he conversed. i have no idea what was said about this evening or if anything was decided. he's decidedly mum on the subject, and coincidentally, so is she. hasnt said sweet fuck all in response to me. now that she has what she wants (either a positive or negative response), she has no use for me.
fucking transparent.
i never should have responded to her bb text...next time i swear i'm ignoring it. hell, i'll delete it.
ch's cousin is in town this weekend staying @ the sil's. must be going really well *sarcasm if the sil has had to contact us both several times to try to get us to come over and entertain her.
she MUST be desperate, as she even bb messaged me this afternoon hinting around and wanting to know what it was we were doing this evening. wanting to know if we wanted a bbq, movies, bowling, drinking, or just what. i didnt really say too much. of course i responded. probably shouldnt have, as she hasnt responded to my texts.
of course she tried calling ch first and left him messages on his cell. she knows better than to call here directly, even tho she'd probably get an answer faster. i just love how she suddenly reaches out on the bb messenger system when she cant get what she wants from ch. hasnt talked to me by making initial contact in four months, but now she needs my response? fucking bullshit.
so i had responded kinda vaguely. i figure it's not my decision to make in terms of figuring out the evening. i really couldnt care less about seeing the cousin and figure she's sil's problem in terms of entertaining her. of course the sil spins it as her being charitable in allowing us to share time with the cousin. of course. in reality, it's just her way of sloughing off the responsibility of entertaining someone. at least that's how i see it.
i never said anything to ch about her texts and messages. i knew that i'm plan Z in terms of contacting, so i know that he would have had texts and communications sent to him. i'm the last resort. i was out repotting my tomato plants and could hear him upstairs on the phone having a covert conversation with her.
it's funny to me that he feels like he has to phone her in secret. in the past he's often talked to her in the car. she always seemed to phone him while he was driving (or he phoned her) and he'd pull into the garage, shut the car off, and sit there and talk for 15 minutes in a darkened garage. on her stressful days (which seem to be frequent), he'd be out there sometimes for as long as 45 minutes talking her out of her tree. it always irked me that he thought he had to do it secretly, lest i get angry and implode on him. ffs, it is his sister, however i find that once you give her an inch she'll take full liberty to step over your toes and wear your pants.
so she and he conversed. i have no idea what was said about this evening or if anything was decided. he's decidedly mum on the subject, and coincidentally, so is she. hasnt said sweet fuck all in response to me. now that she has what she wants (either a positive or negative response), she has no use for me.
fucking transparent.
i never should have responded to her bb text...next time i swear i'm ignoring it. hell, i'll delete it.
my peonies
...because i think they deserve a post on their own. the peony is my favourite flower. i've tried in vain to grow them because i think they are just the most beautiful size, shape, and color.
most attempts have failed due to poor climates and the dogs' interference. they used to love to trample all over my plants as they'd chase dogs or cars going down the alley. now that there's a fence separating the back lawn and gardens from the deck, my gardens can all grow in peace without interference.
i have moved some of my peonies to a separate container and they are flourishing. i like the concept of container growth because i can put the plant anywhere i choose. i like the idea of transporting my garden to add a shot of green or color anywhere.
i chose lighter pink peonies (i believe they're called "sarah bernhart"), yet it appears that most of mine are potentially magenta. my favourites are the light pink peonies and i'm hoping they'll blossom, but it's not looking that way.
the ants are not seen as pests, but rather assistants in getting the flowers to open...so i watch in amazement as these little guys go to work and how everything in nature has its place.
it's really freaking amazing how things work.
my garden as at june 19, 2010
here are some pics of the garden.
we've had quite a few nasty days of rain which we needed and the plants are thankful for. now we're set to get another shot of sun, so everything should blossom further...
(left) our memphis currant bush which came from crazy bernie's farm. it's growing like a weed, but has yet to produce flowers or fruit. i'm not complaining, as i really dont care for it...i just like the greenery.
the first garden i dug out...growing nicely. various bushes (cant recall the names off hand other than the yellow spirea) all taking hold. they've been in the ground four years now.
Friday, June 18, 2010
mcdonald's
as anyone who knows me knows, i fucking hate mcdonald's. today i overheard one mother trying to placate her screeching child by offering up mcdonald's as a silencer.
good god.
i just got this email from a friend. passed on, as they always all are, in order to inform the consumer.
for years i have suspected that mcdonald's has been a shady company bowing only to the allmighty dollar while overlooking quality and health. i hate them for preying on kids and mcdonaldizing society. i see their company as a disease like ebola.
the question i have is if people actually REALLY eat there anymore?
the email:
This IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT AND INCLUDED HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here. But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...
This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink.
The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claims that there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an impact felt.
Please pass it on. Just to add a note:
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal. South Americans are not required to do this as of yet. McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at good old McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled. Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
I'm sorry but everything is not always about the bottom line, and when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
good god.
i just got this email from a friend. passed on, as they always all are, in order to inform the consumer.
for years i have suspected that mcdonald's has been a shady company bowing only to the allmighty dollar while overlooking quality and health. i hate them for preying on kids and mcdonaldizing society. i see their company as a disease like ebola.
the question i have is if people actually REALLY eat there anymore?
the email:
This IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT AND INCLUDED HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here. But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...
This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink.
The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claims that there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an impact felt.
Please pass it on. Just to add a note:
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal. South Americans are not required to do this as of yet. McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at good old McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled. Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
I'm sorry but everything is not always about the bottom line, and when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
like time, fruit flies
this is a bowl of death. red wine, vinegar, and dish soap.
separately, harmless. each effective in its own right. escapism, cleansing, and playing.
to the fruit fly it's an enticing smell of rotting fruit with a smothering layer of soap.
land, drink, and die.
glasses???
i've had glasses for the last 2 yrs now. generally need them to read and to use the computer.
i just got a new pair the other day and i'm in love with them. so much so that i'm wearing them around the house, even when i'm not in need of them. i like that they are an accessory, something new and fun.
i've noticed that when i wear them, i get different reactions from strangers. it seems like strangers are softer, more gentle. willing to smile, make eye contact. it's as if they are perceiving me as a softer person.
it's interesting to see reactions from these people. of course it could be all in my mind, but i think that people treat me differently when i wear my spectacles.
one of seven
today i bought a new painting for the bedroom.
never intended to.
i was walking through winners just browsing, noting that nothing was really standing out. i found a cute bcbg sweater but then put it down when i realised that june isnt the time to be needing a sweater. in theory.
i wandered past the wall art because we've been lacking pictures in our bedroom. ever since i painted it, its walls have been bare. i'm just waiting for the right picture.
at first i thought the room needed a mirror. the jury's out on whether i'm onto something there. i still might go back to that and see at a later date.
as i was walking past the art, i found a group of paintings which made me stop. i found replicas of the group of seven's art work and settled my eyes on franklin carmichael's "evening north shore". it's listed on my painting as "evening lake superior" but is called the former, at least according to google.
as i sit here and type, i wonder if i should have purchased more of their paintings or replicas. i am amazed by just how utterly beautiful they are and wondering why i've been living under a rock all these years.
i think i've always looked over any canadian artist contributions to society and culture. i dont know why that is, but i see that it's been a grandiose oversight. just from simple browsing on the net, i feel as if i'm rediscovering beauty and wonder by looking at the group of seven's artwork. it's so simple, yet so utterly canadian and real to me that i need to learn and see more.
looking on the net, i am calmed by the group's paintings. i think it's the colors and the shapes which are not harsh, but are soft and loosely defined. calming. beautiful.
the retail solution
nothing cures boredom like shopping. even browsing is a ton of fun. kills the hours. mind you, for me, i end up wanting more things.
i like shopping in stores like walmart or winners where they just leave you the fuck alone. you can do as you want without someone coming up and asking if you've been helped. there are times i want the help, but most of the time when i do, i can never find anyone willing to lend me a hand. and when i dont need it? they're all over me like white on snow.
of course shopping at walmart comes with its drawbacks: loud speakers going off at random times, usually by the non-english speaking people who talk in high eardrum breaking screeches, the children crying and yelling all over the place, and the ill mannered assholes who either push past without saying excuse me or hog an entire aisle. there's nothing worse than needing something just---riiiight----there and having some oblivious fucktard blocking it. and i hate having to say "excuse me", not the words itself (because, c'mon, i'm not the sil), but it's the interruption and feeling like i'm ushering them along and asking them to speed up their shopping experience. it's the implication that i'm in a rush when i'm generally not. hate that.
today i went through a slower check out. the woman apologized profusely about the delay. i must have given off the air of impatience, which was completely unintentional. cashing wasnt her area of expertise. neither was time management. i didnt really care tho. i had nowhere to be, no agenda. happy enough to be out of the house in a solitary pursuit.
i like shopping in stores like walmart or winners where they just leave you the fuck alone. you can do as you want without someone coming up and asking if you've been helped. there are times i want the help, but most of the time when i do, i can never find anyone willing to lend me a hand. and when i dont need it? they're all over me like white on snow.
of course shopping at walmart comes with its drawbacks: loud speakers going off at random times, usually by the non-english speaking people who talk in high eardrum breaking screeches, the children crying and yelling all over the place, and the ill mannered assholes who either push past without saying excuse me or hog an entire aisle. there's nothing worse than needing something just---riiiight----there and having some oblivious fucktard blocking it. and i hate having to say "excuse me", not the words itself (because, c'mon, i'm not the sil), but it's the interruption and feeling like i'm ushering them along and asking them to speed up their shopping experience. it's the implication that i'm in a rush when i'm generally not. hate that.
today i went through a slower check out. the woman apologized profusely about the delay. i must have given off the air of impatience, which was completely unintentional. cashing wasnt her area of expertise. neither was time management. i didnt really care tho. i had nowhere to be, no agenda. happy enough to be out of the house in a solitary pursuit.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
keys and where we are divided
ch and i have always disagreed about keys to this house. ever since we bought it, he has handed out keys to his immediate family, despite them all living 300km west of here in yyc.
to me it's elemental: none of them need keys. none. if you ask me, our house is not a hotel, altho it's been widely assumed as such throughout this god damned family, and our space is just that: OURS. not theirs, OURS.
in the past, the use of the key has been abused by the sil, the manipulative cunt, and at one precious blip in time, she didnt have a key. we never heard the end of how we shouldnt lock the door because ~god forbid~ we'd lock her out. have ya ever heard of ringing a fucking doorbell, you cunt? jesus christ. it's what 99.99999% of the real world does. not everyone has a fucking key to everyone else's house.
so we recently got our locks rekeyed...and for a second, i was really enjoying his family not having access to our house. since the sil moved here, she hasnt abused it because i think she knows that we could easily reciprocate seeing as she had to buy less than 1km from our home. now that his dad has decided he's staying here this week (fuck, more on that later), ch believes we'll have to rush out and get a key cut for him as well as the sil in short order. so when i challenged him on it, he said that it's nice to have a key out there in case something happens.
well, riddle me this, batman: what fucking good does it do to have a key out there in yyc when we are in yxh? a key that is at least 3hrs away from here in the possession of someone who is hardly going to get out of bed and get on the road to help, and even if (by remote chance) they did, it would have taken less time for us to call a locksmith....
i havent handed keys out to my family, but if ch is going to play this game, why then i'll insist he get 2 more keys cut...fuck, maybe i should say that michelle and kim should have one, too...so he may as well cut 8.
it's doubtful he'll even see the stupidity in it...
to me it's elemental: none of them need keys. none. if you ask me, our house is not a hotel, altho it's been widely assumed as such throughout this god damned family, and our space is just that: OURS. not theirs, OURS.
in the past, the use of the key has been abused by the sil, the manipulative cunt, and at one precious blip in time, she didnt have a key. we never heard the end of how we shouldnt lock the door because ~god forbid~ we'd lock her out. have ya ever heard of ringing a fucking doorbell, you cunt? jesus christ. it's what 99.99999% of the real world does. not everyone has a fucking key to everyone else's house.
so we recently got our locks rekeyed...and for a second, i was really enjoying his family not having access to our house. since the sil moved here, she hasnt abused it because i think she knows that we could easily reciprocate seeing as she had to buy less than 1km from our home. now that his dad has decided he's staying here this week (fuck, more on that later), ch believes we'll have to rush out and get a key cut for him as well as the sil in short order. so when i challenged him on it, he said that it's nice to have a key out there in case something happens.
well, riddle me this, batman: what fucking good does it do to have a key out there in yyc when we are in yxh? a key that is at least 3hrs away from here in the possession of someone who is hardly going to get out of bed and get on the road to help, and even if (by remote chance) they did, it would have taken less time for us to call a locksmith....
i havent handed keys out to my family, but if ch is going to play this game, why then i'll insist he get 2 more keys cut...fuck, maybe i should say that michelle and kim should have one, too...so he may as well cut 8.
it's doubtful he'll even see the stupidity in it...
massages
i went for another massage on monday. like the last time, dan and i got talking and chatting for nearly the entire hour. instead of talking about gardening, this time we talked religion.
it's a topic i dont like discussing, especially with religious folk. it makes me uneasy. i know it's one of those things that everyone says not to talk about...religion, politics...but i could think of a few more things that other people dont want to discuss, too.
anyway, dan was talking about how he's heard the voice of god, and where that might sound odd, i suppose it's kind of cool. not that i'm a believer, but i do think that it's interesting to hear other peoples' stories about stuff they believe in and how it affects them. i've never had those kinds of experiences in terms of religion and i doubt i ever will to be honest. i dont think it's in me.
regardless, it was a good hour of chatting, despite the awkward subject. all i can say is that at least we are not discussing ch and having it turn into an hour of therapy. for that i'm grateful.
it's a topic i dont like discussing, especially with religious folk. it makes me uneasy. i know it's one of those things that everyone says not to talk about...religion, politics...but i could think of a few more things that other people dont want to discuss, too.
anyway, dan was talking about how he's heard the voice of god, and where that might sound odd, i suppose it's kind of cool. not that i'm a believer, but i do think that it's interesting to hear other peoples' stories about stuff they believe in and how it affects them. i've never had those kinds of experiences in terms of religion and i doubt i ever will to be honest. i dont think it's in me.
regardless, it was a good hour of chatting, despite the awkward subject. all i can say is that at least we are not discussing ch and having it turn into an hour of therapy. for that i'm grateful.
lawn bowling and bb
went and did the lawn bowling thing. it was ok, but i really dont fit in. i wasnt feeling particularly social, so i didnt speak too much and just did a lot of listening.
after we'd bowled a bit and had our asses thoroughly kicked, we kicked back and the guys had their home lotto meeting. the other ladies (there were five of us in total) sat and talked about babies, diapers, and feedings. there were four of them congregated over on one side of the field talking about kids, and i deliberately chose to stay far away from that nonsense, even if it meant that i'd be sitting there alone awkwardly. and when i say "far away", i meant it. there were four park benches separating me from them.
really tho, who thinks it's interesting to congregate and talk about that shit when not everyone in the group is a mother? i certainly dont. of course i havent experienced that 'delight' yet, and never will, but at the same time i think that most skilled conversationalists realise that their audience may not know exactly what they're talking about and adjust their conversation accordingly.
no offense, but i find most new moms lacking on the common sense front in terms of discussing kids and bodily functions. there are other things out there more interesting than bowel movements. really.
after we'd bowled a bit and had our asses thoroughly kicked, we kicked back and the guys had their home lotto meeting. the other ladies (there were five of us in total) sat and talked about babies, diapers, and feedings. there were four of them congregated over on one side of the field talking about kids, and i deliberately chose to stay far away from that nonsense, even if it meant that i'd be sitting there alone awkwardly. and when i say "far away", i meant it. there were four park benches separating me from them.
really tho, who thinks it's interesting to congregate and talk about that shit when not everyone in the group is a mother? i certainly dont. of course i havent experienced that 'delight' yet, and never will, but at the same time i think that most skilled conversationalists realise that their audience may not know exactly what they're talking about and adjust their conversation accordingly.
no offense, but i find most new moms lacking on the common sense front in terms of discussing kids and bodily functions. there are other things out there more interesting than bowel movements. really.
more decisions
i had a big brainwave last night. started thinking about my niece and nephew in yyc and how i never see them, so decided to email their mother and see if i could take them to the yyc stampede in july. we're relatively strangers to these kids, so bringing them here would be a gong show in terms of making them feel comfortable. also, my sil is a complete cunt in terms of letting either of us have one on one time with the kids, so i'd rather do it where she cant be, or do it quietly.
i'm hoping that my other lesser bitchy sil thinks it's a good idea and wants to come along with me to the grounds. i really dont relish the idea of taking 2 kids to the park. i'd be worried all day long about their whereabouts. and if their mother is there, then i wont have to worry if there are meltdowns or if there's bullshit.
so for now i'm just waiting to see if she will respond and then go from there and plan something. i really hope she can or will keep this quiet, meaning not telling the inlaws (who will be sure to tell the cunty sil) or have either party find out. if the inlaws find out, they will most certainly tell the sil and then you can bet that the sil will deem that it's her turn to take them next year. i think if it goes well, i'm going to declare to their mom that i'm taking them every kids' day so that the cunt cant. if the inlaws dont tell her (yeah, RIGHT), they'll expect that i drop in and see them....oh god, they micromanage every part of our lives, including what we do in yyc. that's why i keep my visits there on the DL.
anyway, i'm sure i'll write about what's going on...
i'm hoping that my other lesser bitchy sil thinks it's a good idea and wants to come along with me to the grounds. i really dont relish the idea of taking 2 kids to the park. i'd be worried all day long about their whereabouts. and if their mother is there, then i wont have to worry if there are meltdowns or if there's bullshit.
so for now i'm just waiting to see if she will respond and then go from there and plan something. i really hope she can or will keep this quiet, meaning not telling the inlaws (who will be sure to tell the cunty sil) or have either party find out. if the inlaws find out, they will most certainly tell the sil and then you can bet that the sil will deem that it's her turn to take them next year. i think if it goes well, i'm going to declare to their mom that i'm taking them every kids' day so that the cunt cant. if the inlaws dont tell her (yeah, RIGHT), they'll expect that i drop in and see them....oh god, they micromanage every part of our lives, including what we do in yyc. that's why i keep my visits there on the DL.
anyway, i'm sure i'll write about what's going on...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
saturday
well, i'm not sure what the day holds in store. i know that tonight ch has signed us up for lawn bowling with some of his home lotto committee members. he has promised we'll do "something else" later, which means without a doubt that we will end up in rossco's. correction: I will drive THEM to rossco's and come home and enjoy another saturday night in silence, doing it my way.
it's finally nice out after a rainy shitty windy pissy week. the weather does get me down around these parts. i think it's contributing to whatever sense of unease and unhappiness i've been experiencing lately. the more the wind blows, the more aggravated and irritated i become. it's not rocket science to figure that all out.
seeing as it's the first nice weekend in june, i'm sure the gardening centres will be all picked over. from what anyone has said recently, nobody has planted anything in gardens because of the temps and conditions. i can imagine every store will be busy today and if i dont get my ass in there, it will be slim pickins sunday or even monday. ugh, i really dread the thought of going anywhere and fighting crowds today.
it's ch's day off, so that means he will be underfoot if i dont go and do something with myself. it's always annoying when he's off and i'm home too because the TV is on constantly. he cant seem to sit in the livingroom and surf the net without the tv blaring. just having him in the house while i'm home seems as if he's a big interruption. i know that is wrong to say, but when interests diverge, it's pretty hard to sit there and accept things you dont like.
i've already taken the recyclables, cashed in the bottles and cleaned the kitchen. i have to take on the fishtank, as fergie over fed the plechys their algae and turned the tank green. the tank was clear prior to us going to vegas, so i'm mildly annoyed with this. i hate cleaning the damned fish tank. of course it's my job. i think that's on the list and then hitting up home depot and cdn tire for flowers, maybe even walmart if i'm in the mood, and then planting them, cutting the lawn, and getting ready for lawn bowling. and by "getting ready", i mean showering and plastering on a fake smile and enthusiasm for people i really dont care for.
ffs, i need an attitude reboot.
it's finally nice out after a rainy shitty windy pissy week. the weather does get me down around these parts. i think it's contributing to whatever sense of unease and unhappiness i've been experiencing lately. the more the wind blows, the more aggravated and irritated i become. it's not rocket science to figure that all out.
seeing as it's the first nice weekend in june, i'm sure the gardening centres will be all picked over. from what anyone has said recently, nobody has planted anything in gardens because of the temps and conditions. i can imagine every store will be busy today and if i dont get my ass in there, it will be slim pickins sunday or even monday. ugh, i really dread the thought of going anywhere and fighting crowds today.
it's ch's day off, so that means he will be underfoot if i dont go and do something with myself. it's always annoying when he's off and i'm home too because the TV is on constantly. he cant seem to sit in the livingroom and surf the net without the tv blaring. just having him in the house while i'm home seems as if he's a big interruption. i know that is wrong to say, but when interests diverge, it's pretty hard to sit there and accept things you dont like.
i've already taken the recyclables, cashed in the bottles and cleaned the kitchen. i have to take on the fishtank, as fergie over fed the plechys their algae and turned the tank green. the tank was clear prior to us going to vegas, so i'm mildly annoyed with this. i hate cleaning the damned fish tank. of course it's my job. i think that's on the list and then hitting up home depot and cdn tire for flowers, maybe even walmart if i'm in the mood, and then planting them, cutting the lawn, and getting ready for lawn bowling. and by "getting ready", i mean showering and plastering on a fake smile and enthusiasm for people i really dont care for.
ffs, i need an attitude reboot.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
annoying!!
what IS it with itunes only putting the good songs on there if you buy the full album? i mean, really...do i need 8 other songs if the only song on there is good and the rest are crap? fuck that noise. and of course, you cant possibly buy the good song by itself; no. you have to fucking well put up with 7 other obnoxious remixes in order to get the song you're looking for.
piss off, itunes.
piss off, itunes.
THIS is what i'm talking about...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYLjSvxePOk
very haunting...like this remix way better.
why in the hell arent the good songs-slash-remixes on itunes??
very haunting...like this remix way better.
why in the hell arent the good songs-slash-remixes on itunes??
iiO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-MgTXY-HCk
heard this song in yoga, but heard the slower more haunting version. cant locate it, but wish i could.
damn, i hear great stuff in yoga while i'm sweating to death....
heard this song in yoga, but heard the slower more haunting version. cant locate it, but wish i could.
damn, i hear great stuff in yoga while i'm sweating to death....
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
heeeere, kitty-kitty
yesterday i was in petsmart looking for dog food. i decided to walk to the cat adoption place and check out the cats. on the way there, i found dog sweaters on sale for $3 each. i know, i know it's laughable, but when we shave our mutts, they are so cold from the air conditioning and often can be found laying in a sunbeam to warm up. and seeing as the weather has been the shits lately and the dogs have been cold, i couldnt pass up $3 sweaters. i might even go back to get MORE since they're so cheap.
so i walked over to the cats. there were about five there and the one that caught my eye was a white one that looked sorta like sid. she is fixed and is 2 and is mostly white with black calico markings on the top of her head and further down her body. she was sitting there staring off into space when i got there and didnt really respond. most cats will get up and purr and rub the glass, but this cat just sat there not looking at me. i talked to her and her claw flexed as acknowledgement, but she sat there still staring off.
i made the mistake of reading her card. she's been in the system since march 2009. that's one full year and 3 months of being behind bars and not in a loving home. my heart broke reading that. i've been thinking about it ever since, wondering why it is that this poor beautiful creature hasnt been adopted.
the more i think about it, the more i want to rescue her and bring her back here and give her some freedom and a loving home. this cat has touched me and i feel like it would be irresponsible of me to let her continue to live there behind bars without being taken to a loving home.
of course i have the dilemma of worrying about whether i really need a new cat at this point and whether another cat is something i was going to consider in my future. i had sworn that i wouldnt get new cats, but i know that every time i'm at my mom's place, i cant stop pestering her cats and hugging and petting them. i was looking forward to having less hair in the house and less worry, but really cats are not as troublesome as dogs and as long as you feed and water them and clean their litter, they're pretty content. in terms of animals, cats are low maintenance compared to dogs.
i'd have to run all this past ch, but i already know that he likely wont go for it. he doesnt like cats and i'm pretty sure he's just biding his time till tasha is no more and then he will be happy he wont have them around. since sid passed, ch has admitted that he cares about the cat, but i think that she's grown on him out of horrible circumstances, rather than him coming to his senses and realising that cats arent all that bad afterall.
i would have to consider tasha's feelings as well. would she think that this cat is taking away from her attention? i dont know. would it entertain her? most likely. i think for the first 2 weeks, the cats wouldnt like each other, but over time they do grow to tolerate one another. i also have no idea if this cat likes dogs and that could be another gong show, too. our dogs basically leave the cat alone now, but i think a new kitty would have their curiousities piqued.
still have to think. i shudder to think about the fate of this cat, however if it really has been in the system for over a year, then there is some hope that it will continue to be. i just think that it's a real shame that a cat has had to live its life imprisioned because of some stupid person's belief that it was useless.
fuck, i hate people.
so i walked over to the cats. there were about five there and the one that caught my eye was a white one that looked sorta like sid. she is fixed and is 2 and is mostly white with black calico markings on the top of her head and further down her body. she was sitting there staring off into space when i got there and didnt really respond. most cats will get up and purr and rub the glass, but this cat just sat there not looking at me. i talked to her and her claw flexed as acknowledgement, but she sat there still staring off.
i made the mistake of reading her card. she's been in the system since march 2009. that's one full year and 3 months of being behind bars and not in a loving home. my heart broke reading that. i've been thinking about it ever since, wondering why it is that this poor beautiful creature hasnt been adopted.
the more i think about it, the more i want to rescue her and bring her back here and give her some freedom and a loving home. this cat has touched me and i feel like it would be irresponsible of me to let her continue to live there behind bars without being taken to a loving home.
of course i have the dilemma of worrying about whether i really need a new cat at this point and whether another cat is something i was going to consider in my future. i had sworn that i wouldnt get new cats, but i know that every time i'm at my mom's place, i cant stop pestering her cats and hugging and petting them. i was looking forward to having less hair in the house and less worry, but really cats are not as troublesome as dogs and as long as you feed and water them and clean their litter, they're pretty content. in terms of animals, cats are low maintenance compared to dogs.
i'd have to run all this past ch, but i already know that he likely wont go for it. he doesnt like cats and i'm pretty sure he's just biding his time till tasha is no more and then he will be happy he wont have them around. since sid passed, ch has admitted that he cares about the cat, but i think that she's grown on him out of horrible circumstances, rather than him coming to his senses and realising that cats arent all that bad afterall.
i would have to consider tasha's feelings as well. would she think that this cat is taking away from her attention? i dont know. would it entertain her? most likely. i think for the first 2 weeks, the cats wouldnt like each other, but over time they do grow to tolerate one another. i also have no idea if this cat likes dogs and that could be another gong show, too. our dogs basically leave the cat alone now, but i think a new kitty would have their curiousities piqued.
still have to think. i shudder to think about the fate of this cat, however if it really has been in the system for over a year, then there is some hope that it will continue to be. i just think that it's a real shame that a cat has had to live its life imprisioned because of some stupid person's belief that it was useless.
fuck, i hate people.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
an open letter to SC
dear sc.
i know we havent talked in nearly 20 years. when i type it, i'm shocked it's been that long.
i continue to think about you after all these years. may 25th this year i thought about you more so than i usually do. on the 30th, i remembered you again. i dont think i'll ever forget those dates.
i was a jackass at 18. i admit that fully and without self pity. i admit it with loathing and regret and immense eye rolling at how "worldly" i thought i was then in my first year of university. as if i was so much more sophisticated because i knew different things...to that attitude i scoff heartily.
i was an arrogant jackass. i dont even expect you to remember, or hell, i dont expect you to care at this point in your life. i really dont know why i'm writing this, but perhaps it's because i know you'll never read it and it's in the hopes that someday i'll be able to say it all to you and you'll nod and say "it's ok" and everything will end the way it's meant to.
i was a jerk in how i ended it. and you know what? i never really wanted to. i was persuaded by older friends who laughed that i was dating a high school boy. those same "friends" are currently living with their parents as the clock ticks toward 40. [you can laugh, it's ok. the last laugh is always going to be on me until you say it's ok.]
feel free to laugh here, but the person i chose in place of you was a terrible human being. treated me horribly. i was glamoured by his constant stream of gifts and false promises. perhaps if i had been as wise and worldly as i am now (in comparison), i would have seen through it, but the 18yr old naive little elevator girl couldnt see past the watches and flowers and endless "deep" conversations i figured i deserved from you. instead i fell for it all, never loving how he kissed me or how he looked. he tried to tell me that you and i were juveniles, that he was the answer, that what you and i had was nothing. he never compared to you. i still missed you on the 25th and 30th even tho i was with him. it drove him nuts to think that i was thinking of you, but i still loved you.
remember when he and i were out and he came up to you months later, the smug prick who said hi to you, knowing full well he had me and took me from you. i hated him for that, for rubbing it in and making you angry. i'd like to think that i dumped him shortly after he did that to you, but i doubt i did. not that it makes a whit of difference, but i cheated on him several times with no regrets. he honestly deserved it. i hope you feel he did, too.
when i think about how much i pined over you for 2 yrs before you finally asked me out, i just want to die thinking i threw it all away so carelessly and so callously. to write you a 'dear john' was heartless. you did nothing to me, other than believe in me. i know we were just kids and i'm certain that you have long since got over me and how i treated you, but there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i somehow scarred you for life and made you question every other female who came into your life. of course i'm sure that others made more of an impact than i did.
please know that i didnt cheat. no, that came a few weeks after you got my letter. it was horrible. i cried. i think by any definition i was raped, but i think i believed i deserved it somehow after what i did to you. as an adult i so wish that you had been my first. i regret very deeply that we didnt go all the way. god, there were opportunities and many nights where we could have, but we were both scared and shy. i regret not just taking the initiative and doing what we should have been doing since we started seeing each other. you were so much more than i ever gave you credit for.
years later i wanted you back. i would have done just about anything to get you, but you wanted nothing to do with me. when i moved to yyc, i used to fantasize about driving back to our home town and walking into your workplace...me at 25, you at 24 and us reconnecting and what i hoped, conversing. i had hoped that my awkward phase was behind me and that i'd wow you with my new look and body and you'd fall head over heels and we could pick up where we left off, but this time we'd do it right and do everything we were meant to. it was never to be because i chickened out. couldnt do it. oh how i wanted to, but i was so scared you'd reject me. i would deserve it, yes, but i just wanted you back.
years later i've returned to the area. i still think about you and wonder where you are. when i go to the city, i scan the crowd looking for you, hoping to see you again. i secretly hope that i will see you and put these feelings to rest, even if it means that we dont converse or acknowledge one another. i'd like to think i'd say hi, but i think regrets and fear would take over and i'd look away and keep walking. please know that i would never intentionally snub you. i would be scared you'd ignore me, so i would protect myself from being hurt.
the funny thing is that despite the years that have passed, i still hurt. i hurt more now than i did when i made those silly decisions. i havent regretted a lot about my life, but i most certainly will always regret how i treated you. it will haunt me until i shuffle off this mortal coil.
this isnt a love letter; no. it's a letter to express my regrets. i'm saying that you will always have a place in my heart. even tho i have aged and become a different person every seven years, that part of me that was with you aches. i ache for the many regrets i have.
at the time i always thought there was more to life than life in nobleford. i didnt want to hang out with people i went to high school with. i just wanted to go, go, go. i just wish i waited for you to catch up and see that, too.
who knows, maybe it never would have panned out. maybe we would have ended it years later over kids and family and many other hearts being broken. perhaps we did the right thing leaving when we did and only breaking our hearts, but i can tell you that there is a part of my heart that has died and wont ever recover. it shames me to admit that.
i know we have both moved on, but deep down, i really have not. what i did will always haunt me.
i know that there is nothing i can say which will make you forgive me. and i know that i would far rather say all this to you in person than to write it to you just like i did back in 91, however you dont deserve me descending upon you and ruining what you have now. i ruined your life once; i swear i will not do it a second time.
for now i will leave you and your life and just remember the good things about us. those memories will never be replaced. they're the halcion days, glossed over, memories which still make me smile to this day.
one day when i can not possibly ruin your life further, you will get a letter you can not respond to. please do me the favour and read it. it will be my last wish.
xoxoxo.
i know we havent talked in nearly 20 years. when i type it, i'm shocked it's been that long.
i continue to think about you after all these years. may 25th this year i thought about you more so than i usually do. on the 30th, i remembered you again. i dont think i'll ever forget those dates.
i was a jackass at 18. i admit that fully and without self pity. i admit it with loathing and regret and immense eye rolling at how "worldly" i thought i was then in my first year of university. as if i was so much more sophisticated because i knew different things...to that attitude i scoff heartily.
i was an arrogant jackass. i dont even expect you to remember, or hell, i dont expect you to care at this point in your life. i really dont know why i'm writing this, but perhaps it's because i know you'll never read it and it's in the hopes that someday i'll be able to say it all to you and you'll nod and say "it's ok" and everything will end the way it's meant to.
i was a jerk in how i ended it. and you know what? i never really wanted to. i was persuaded by older friends who laughed that i was dating a high school boy. those same "friends" are currently living with their parents as the clock ticks toward 40. [you can laugh, it's ok. the last laugh is always going to be on me until you say it's ok.]
feel free to laugh here, but the person i chose in place of you was a terrible human being. treated me horribly. i was glamoured by his constant stream of gifts and false promises. perhaps if i had been as wise and worldly as i am now (in comparison), i would have seen through it, but the 18yr old naive little elevator girl couldnt see past the watches and flowers and endless "deep" conversations i figured i deserved from you. instead i fell for it all, never loving how he kissed me or how he looked. he tried to tell me that you and i were juveniles, that he was the answer, that what you and i had was nothing. he never compared to you. i still missed you on the 25th and 30th even tho i was with him. it drove him nuts to think that i was thinking of you, but i still loved you.
remember when he and i were out and he came up to you months later, the smug prick who said hi to you, knowing full well he had me and took me from you. i hated him for that, for rubbing it in and making you angry. i'd like to think that i dumped him shortly after he did that to you, but i doubt i did. not that it makes a whit of difference, but i cheated on him several times with no regrets. he honestly deserved it. i hope you feel he did, too.
when i think about how much i pined over you for 2 yrs before you finally asked me out, i just want to die thinking i threw it all away so carelessly and so callously. to write you a 'dear john' was heartless. you did nothing to me, other than believe in me. i know we were just kids and i'm certain that you have long since got over me and how i treated you, but there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i somehow scarred you for life and made you question every other female who came into your life. of course i'm sure that others made more of an impact than i did.
please know that i didnt cheat. no, that came a few weeks after you got my letter. it was horrible. i cried. i think by any definition i was raped, but i think i believed i deserved it somehow after what i did to you. as an adult i so wish that you had been my first. i regret very deeply that we didnt go all the way. god, there were opportunities and many nights where we could have, but we were both scared and shy. i regret not just taking the initiative and doing what we should have been doing since we started seeing each other. you were so much more than i ever gave you credit for.
years later i wanted you back. i would have done just about anything to get you, but you wanted nothing to do with me. when i moved to yyc, i used to fantasize about driving back to our home town and walking into your workplace...me at 25, you at 24 and us reconnecting and what i hoped, conversing. i had hoped that my awkward phase was behind me and that i'd wow you with my new look and body and you'd fall head over heels and we could pick up where we left off, but this time we'd do it right and do everything we were meant to. it was never to be because i chickened out. couldnt do it. oh how i wanted to, but i was so scared you'd reject me. i would deserve it, yes, but i just wanted you back.
years later i've returned to the area. i still think about you and wonder where you are. when i go to the city, i scan the crowd looking for you, hoping to see you again. i secretly hope that i will see you and put these feelings to rest, even if it means that we dont converse or acknowledge one another. i'd like to think i'd say hi, but i think regrets and fear would take over and i'd look away and keep walking. please know that i would never intentionally snub you. i would be scared you'd ignore me, so i would protect myself from being hurt.
the funny thing is that despite the years that have passed, i still hurt. i hurt more now than i did when i made those silly decisions. i havent regretted a lot about my life, but i most certainly will always regret how i treated you. it will haunt me until i shuffle off this mortal coil.
this isnt a love letter; no. it's a letter to express my regrets. i'm saying that you will always have a place in my heart. even tho i have aged and become a different person every seven years, that part of me that was with you aches. i ache for the many regrets i have.
at the time i always thought there was more to life than life in nobleford. i didnt want to hang out with people i went to high school with. i just wanted to go, go, go. i just wish i waited for you to catch up and see that, too.
who knows, maybe it never would have panned out. maybe we would have ended it years later over kids and family and many other hearts being broken. perhaps we did the right thing leaving when we did and only breaking our hearts, but i can tell you that there is a part of my heart that has died and wont ever recover. it shames me to admit that.
i know we have both moved on, but deep down, i really have not. what i did will always haunt me.
i know that there is nothing i can say which will make you forgive me. and i know that i would far rather say all this to you in person than to write it to you just like i did back in 91, however you dont deserve me descending upon you and ruining what you have now. i ruined your life once; i swear i will not do it a second time.
for now i will leave you and your life and just remember the good things about us. those memories will never be replaced. they're the halcion days, glossed over, memories which still make me smile to this day.
one day when i can not possibly ruin your life further, you will get a letter you can not respond to. please do me the favour and read it. it will be my last wish.
xoxoxo.
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today was my running day. i chose to hit the Y earlier than i usually do because i was up early. ch is at the farm today with the dogs, so i seriously have jackall to do and it's GREAT!
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
oh such a common refrain heard in the inlaw family.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
last wedesday i emailed the fat and useless sil to see if she would object to ch and i taking her sprogs to the stampede in yyc.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
had a message on the phone from ch's crazy aunt bernie on the farm. she calls here once in a while and i never answer it because if i do, you can never get away from the phone. talk-ta-talk-talk-talk. and if you happen to say "would you like to speak to ch?" she will snark at you and say "i wasnt calling to talk to him"....riiiiiight, 99.9999% of all calls from her are for him and messages always start with "hi ch".
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
i am glad i left heartbreakers. i dont think i'm missing anything. yes, i know that i am a little concerned about losing my cardio, but i think that i can incorporate sprints into my cardio routine or things like jumping jacks and mountain climbers and, yes, even burpees in order to boost what i'm doing.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
today i worked on the cable machine for legs to check it out.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
- hip adduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip abduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- straight leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- bent leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip flexion on cable (reduced weight to get used to it) 30lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- calf raises 2-25lb dumbbells, 15R, 3S
- leg extension 40lbs, 15R, 3S
- straight leg clean and jerk 12lbs, 15R, 3S (tried it just to see...have to investigate to see if it is actually benefitting my legs or not)
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
Say goodnight and go
Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone
Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Why is it always, always
Goodnight and Go
Goodnight and Go!
how can a marriage survive when you hate things about the other person?
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
tonight the fil is coming to stay with us. he's just announced he'll be staying here.
last week he decided he was going to go to the farm and do some work, but then got there and found it was too wet. uhm, duh...geee.....they dont have weather forecasting where he's from? honestly.
initially he was going to stay at the sil's for a few days and then ours part of the time, but he wasnt sure when. by tuesday of last week we had no idea when or if he was intending to stay here. well, if you ask me, that's pretty rude. either you want to stay here or you dont.
he postponed what he was planning to do and decided he was going to come this week. he says he's coming tonight and he is staying with us. no asking, just telling us he's staying here. ask me how pleased i am with that because i will be tracyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ed to death for every waking hour he's not meddling at the farm. i asked ch if he knew if his dad would require supper and i got the "i dont know" dance which is so common to the family. i'm pretty sure that the sil knows exactly what is going on and is pissed he is staying here when she could have him doing things on her big assed list of things to do. oh yeah, the sil makes a huge list of "to-do's" for her dad and hands it to him when he gets there. she insists he stay there and cites her list as a reason. personally, i see her wanting to control every aspect of the visit and doesnt want her parents out of her sight, or them randomly visiting us without her supervision. in fact, i bet tonight she shows up here under the guise of having a beer with her dad just so she can monitor the visit. what's even more appaling is that the fil has told me that i should start making a list because the sil and the other useless sil make lists and hand them to him, so in his mind that is perfectly acceptable and he doesnt think there's anything wrong with it. well, just because those two useless assholes tell you what to do and you tolerate it, does not mean that i will tolerate treating you that way. i can not imagine bossing my own dad around like that and handing him a list of things to do, so why in the fuck would i treat someone else's dad like that? i just wasnt raised to be a boss to older adults, and if that separates me from my inlaws, then so be it. i'm perfectly ok with being the anomaly.
so he's coming tonight and will ask me how much i vacuum. in the last week or two, i havent. tough shit. then i know he's going to somehow find out about the shingles missing off the roof and go after me about fixing it. what he really will mean is that he wont fix it on this trip but will have to return with the mil in tow and stay here and do it then. i pray that ch says nothing to him about it. i know he will put on his shoes and go downstairs to check our furnace and humidifier and then comment about it. i just have no idea why anyone has the compunction to put shoes on and inspect furnaces when they walk into someone else's house. the fil does tho. then he will come upstairs and grill me on the furnace fuckery and why things werent working and then he will notice that we dont have a digital thermostat, and will demand to know where it is and may or may not install it. if he installs it, he will spend hours demonstrating it to me as if english wasnt my first language. then if i happen to program it in a way he disapproves of, he will critique me for it. he will actually scroll through my programs and then comment on how i've got it programmed so often etc....so basically if i dont have a mirror image of his design, then he's going to find fault with it.
oh yes, i forgot to mention that if he installs the fucking thing, we I will never hear the end of how he installed it and he will make it entire dinner conversation topics of whether i like my thermostat or not. really, he should just be asking for applause and praise at the table, but always has to go around the back way to get it. it was like that when they fucking installed the vacuflo and when they gave me the car. everytime they saw me they asked me how i liked the vacuflo or how the car was doing. in reality, they were just looking for gratification and their toldja so's, thrown in with a few atta boys for good measure.
and then he will go after me about the garden. it will be questions about what i've planted (which i dont mind answering) and comments about how i should finish it off and do it just like the bil and sil have done. well, no. i want to do what i want to do and the rest of them can fuck off. the other day i was telling ch i wasnt quite finished with the borders and wanted to make them curvier and then he started lecturing me about how i'd better do research first before not making straight lines because there might not be curvy bricks out there. uhm, what? of course there are curvy bricks out there....just look around the neighbourhood, you dick! and it's funny to hear him criticise; the king of all laziness in the world. he's yammering away and finding reason to critique and in the meantime he wont lift one shovel blade to help or carry and place one brick in the soil...yeah, fucking easy to sit back and critique and make up things to bitch about when you spend your entire day trying to look busy, but are really just drumming up things to be nasty about. sil, i'm addressing you in that last sentence, too. dont think for a second that you're fooling anyone but yourself...same goes with you, ch.
(aside: fuck, we bought another tree for the yard and ch conveniently disappeared when it came time to dig the hole and put it in the ground...seriously....motherfucker went and cleaned the jeep out to assuage some guilt while i fucking toiled in the sun to put the tree in. and he came out at one point when i was doing something and WATCHED and didnt offer once to put the shovel in the ground or take over....chivalry is completely fucking dead around here....as is repect, courtesy, or consideration. 12 years and it feels as if we are completely dead....)
back to the fil: if, by the grace of god, he leaves early enough in the mornings and returns home later, i wont have to see him. i suspect the sil will want to throw a family dinner at her place tomorrow night because the uncle and cousin will be staying there and she will want us to see them. of course under her supervision. naturally. i'm going to make a point of missing that family fuckery, mark my words. i dont care if i'm so hungry i'd pick out of the garbage...i wont go over there. inevitably i end up sitting literally on the periphery on her rickety stools from ikea (aka "CRAP") while they all chuckle and guffaw amongst themselves telling jokes and recounting stories only they'd get. forget it.
so i have no idea if the fil needs dinner tonight or not. i'm not making shit all for him. i'm going to yoga, cooking my own dinner, and going to bed early. fuck it. i'm not a fucking slave and my house isnt a fucking hotel.
as mentioned above, i did back and shoulders. 20 minutes on the elliptical kicked off the fun...
- bent rows 20lbs R and L 15R, 3S
- military press 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- rotator cuff 6lbs, 15R, 3S
- lat pull down 55lbs, 15R, 3S
- upright rows 12lbs, 15R, 3S
- arnolds 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- shoulder burnouts 3lbs, 3S
- bent flyes 12lbs, 15R, 3S.
well, i've planned today's workout. it's going to be shoulders and back. we'll see if it works out ok. i'll blog about it later.
i've also planned tomorrow's workout, which will be legs. i'm not doing any squats or lunges...none. everything hopefully will be with a resistance band if i can find one, or the cable machines. i'm going to fine tune all my workouts so that they're smooth and adequately cover each body part.
friday's workout will be running i think. i dont need to hit the Y to do that, but i might anyway, depending on the temperature. it might be better to just go and hit the treadmill and do a varied pattern than hit the paths and be in the hot sun. i'd rather be in a/c than out in the middle of nowhere hotter than hell. depending on how sore my butt is, i might ride down there to get an additional cardio kick. we'll see.
saturday i might ride again, depending on the ass. sunday is running, which i'll try to do outside.
that should do it for the week. i think and hope that will be enough to get my metabolism (and spirits) revved.
ok, ok, i swore i wouldnt go see it out of respect for the original, but last night i went with davina and saw it. we had intended to see the prince of persia, but signs up at the movie theatres said that their copies are all scratched (WTF??) and it wasnt showing, so we chose the KK, since we were there at the right time.
i was prepared to not like it, having seen the original a few times, i was wondering how they'd set it all up and play out the story.
of course they didnt have "wax on, wax off", but they had their version of "put the jacket on, take it off, hang it up", which somehow doesnt sound nearly as profound as "wax on, wax off". i think i remember saying that quite a bit as a kid. now the new saying is a little clunky.mr hong played by jackie chan had more depth to his character than mr miyagi played by pat morita. there was more of a story behind his character and his calm facade, which i thought was a nice endearing touch. of course, now that i've typed that, i've also found conflicting evidence from wikipedia stating the contrary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keisuke_Miyagi). maybe my movie memory is as shitty as i believe??
there were references to the old karate kid (remember the fly/chopstick scene?) where only the adults laughed. yes, the theatre was kid-friendly last night, which actually made the movie more enjoyable. no, i didnt have a fever, the kids actually made it funnier. most of them would laugh out loud and guffaw and comment, and it was their pure unadulterated off the cuff laughter that had me enjoying the experience more. i mean, really, as adults we suppress our laughter lest someone look at us funny. the kids? well, those little jackasses didnt care. laughter, guffawing, comments, and even clapping at one point in the movie. it was awesome.
that jaden smith? that kid is RIPPED. we saw a six pack...on a 12yr old. and we were utterly amazed by his skills. i hope he did do his own stunts, and if he did, he's freaking strong!!
yes, the story's the same, the situtation's changed a bit, but it's still enjoyable. it's a movie i would buy. i know i'm a cheeseball, but i enjoyed it. hell, i even clapped when the kid won the tournament...yeah, my inner kid is still alive in here somewhere.
i left the theatre happy and glad i saw it. was it worth the $10? yeah, in my mind it was.
i didnt have time to write my workout plan here yesterday, so i'm updating today. going from memory...
i started out with a 30 minute hill walk on the treadmill at 4.1mph. i had hit a button inadvertently which knocked the setting down to level 1 from 6. i didnt realise that until the steeper hills seemed a little less steep while i was trying to climb. not cool. when i finally figured that out, around the 20 minute mark, i jacked it up to level 8 and then 9 at the last 4 minutes of the workout. made it MUCH better. i noticed on there that they have a speed fluctuator which you can program to do timed sprints...i'm going to try to use that today i think.
i'm a little sore from the last 2 days' worth of excercises, so i figure i'm on the right track. not too sore that i cant sit down or raise my arms, but am sore enough to know that whatever i did is obviously challenging and tearing some part of my muscle structure.
yesterday was abs day so i did the following:
- dumbbell side bends 12lbs, 20R, 2S
- dumbbell crunches 10 lbs, 20R, 2S
- medicine ball seated twist 20 R, 2S
- regular cruches 16 reg, 8 double, up and pulse for 8, 2S
- centre plank: approx 1:30, 2S
- side plank R and L approx 1:30 each side
at the end, i left sweaty and tired, exactly what i wanted. i probably could have gone harder on the cardio, but will make that mental note for the next time and jack the level higher for hill walking. other than that, it was a good workout.
as for food journalling, i did exceptionally well until i hit the theatre last night and ate a popcorn with butter topping and then came home and had beer. not cool...however, it will be my "Cheat day", so screw it. today's another day in terms of eating and i know i can nail it, so i'm not worried.
as for my ass, which is still sore from biking monday, i'm going to give it another day's rest and then hit the bike again tomorrow morning and hopefully by the 15 min mark i wont be sore. going to aim to do 10k and see how long and far that gets me.
i went to three separate nutrition and fitness places today in hopes of finding a fitness journal.
yeah, something as benign as a journal has these guys absolutely stymied. you'd think that would be something you'd see in a store, wouldnt you? like, pretty well every fitness magazine or on line journal tells you to monitor your progress, track your reps and sets, write down your food, yet nothing seems to be available here. i dont get why not.
of course i can find stuff on line, but should i have to? i'd like to be able to see what's inside of the damned thing and whether i'm paying for ads inside or if the layout is nice, not going by guess and by golly.
one of the guys told me that he's never seen something like a fitness journal at gnc. i find that hard to believe, considering i found one for less than $12 on their website. maybe he hasnt worked there that long? judging from the size of his biceps (which were irregularly large, if you can read between the lines), he likely has come across something like that in his time spent in the gym. another guy at a fitness store with a gut bigger than a 40yr old beer drinker {i wonder when he'd last seen the inside of a gym, which i know is uber judgy, but c'mon.}, told me that he uses excel to track everything. great in theory, but i'm not going to drag my fucking computer to the gym, now am i? i want something that will fit inside my gym bag, something i can write in on the fly, add to, and check as a reference when i'm there.
the last place i went was popeyes, which i have to say impresses me, mostly because of their on-line reference section which includes journal templates and workout suggestions. i was incredibly amazed and pleased to see those yesterday when i was looking for a journal. the guy there looked the part of a fitness store operator (and was cute, too), and suggested every place i went to. when i commented on how impressed i was about their website and journal templates, he even added his two cents about it, while apologizing for not having something like that in stock. i was more impressed with popeyes...not just because the dude was cute...i think i'm already predisposed to being partial to them based solely on the freebies offered on their website.
so now i'm back at square one. i'm going to look on line for a journal, one that i can "open" and see what's inside, and go from there. yes, i very well could look at our shitty assed coles in the mall, but i really dont want to waste any more time with this...
very annoying.
day one at the Y.
easy enough registration. swoosh went the visa and it was pretty well done. all except the photo for the card, which is just as well because i know i was looking pretty dark and weird today. too much time in the sun outside without sunscreen and it's starting to get to me.
i have to go to SDM and talk to an esthetician and get a proper sunscreen for my face that wont reek to high heaven and wont sent me back a ton of cash. i hate the reek of sunscreen. probably why i wont wear it that much. it's that sour smell and it's in most of them unless you're going the coconut route.
tangent.
anyway, today's workout was the following:
- 20 minutes on the octane, which is really an elliptical trainer
- chest press 12lb, 15R, 2S
- flyes 12 lb, 15R, 2S
- skull crushers 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- windshield wipers 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- bent rows 12lbs, 15R, 2S
- upright rows 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- tricep kickbacks 12lbs, 15R, 2S
- hammer curls 12lbs, 15R, 3S
- bicep curls 10lbs, 15R, 3S
- military press 10lbs, 15R, 2S
- rotator cuff 5lbs, 15R, 2S
- 10 min on the treadmill averaging 6mph
also forgot to bring a towel, which sucked. thankfully there were towel stations throughout, but i wished i had my own.
looking forward to tomorrow...have to figure out what i'm going to do...
i've been putting off riding my bike for what seems like forever now. i think it was mostly the thought of having to reach over the hardtop jeep roof to pull it off the sagging nail in the garage that had me worried.
yesterday i went to cdn tire, determined to get my bike in gear. i bought a new bell, as my old one was dented and didnt "bing" as much as it just made a cricket chirp. i found one that strikes the mini bell loudly and it was under $5, so perfect.
i then found a speedometer/timer/distance calculator by schwinn for $25 which i installed yesterday as well. i've always wanted something to calculate the distances cycled, so i was excited to find one which worked well and was easy to install. i had to tweak it this morning, as the magnet sensor wasnt quite low enough to make the speedometer work. once that bug was fixed, i went on.
average speed was 24k/hr. that's ok for the first ride of the season. i went over 8k and did it in 20 mins. it was just enough for my ass to suddenly remember that i get saddle sores the first few times out and enough to get my heart pumping, my quads burning, and a good deal of O2 intake.
as i cycled, i had that big grin on my face, much like i remembered last year...and then i wondered why i waited so long to do something i really enjoy?
i've been going to the FIT classes monday through wed at the gym. enjoying it for the most part because i know what each day entails...until this week.
wednesdays are abs days. always. this week that bitch ashley decided that we'd to a full body workout instead. i inwardly groaned as i knew that would involve squats and lunges. i debated walking out but didnt want to fuck up my fitness. i mean, i NEED the class and need the movement. cutting class really isnt an option.
of course we did lunges and squats. i half assed it and still my knees ached. up till yesterday i couldnt cross my right ankle over my left quad. that's not right! i was so pissed at ashley for changing the class, because i've been counting on the schedule.
because i'm so angry and tired of being injured, i'm going to the Y tomorrow to get a membership. no more classes, no more bullshit. i am looking forward to working out on my terms! actually cant wait!!
today i finally hit the trails again. it's been a while since we've actually had a nice enough running day.
it was 17C with a bit of a wind, but it was bearable and came on the back half of the run, exactly where i needed it.
i think that if i went about an hour sooner it would have been better. it was hot, but not too hot. i can see where that's going to become a problem in the future for sure.
the first K was tough, as they all are. knees were screaming right away and i started wondering if i made the right decision to run. my knees have been really bad this week and i wondered how much i'd pay for this run, but after the first k was out of the way, i felt good. in fact my right knee (the troublemaker) isnt hurting too badly right now.
i just did five k and did it around the 35 min mark. slow first 2.5 and i picked up the pace on the way home. i'm not impressed with my time at all, as i'd hoped to be out there and do it in 1/2 hr. my goal is to be able to do a comfortable 5k in 25 minutes. i believe it's attainable. i debated doing the full route of 7.59 but seeing as i've been off running for a while, i thought i'd leave it for next week and prepare myself accordingly. maybe even wake up earlier.
here's the run...fairly flat and steady...
black berry messages are interesting. i like getting them and chatting real time with people. i generally dont open them without seeing who it's from. i can do that by going to the message spot on the phone, and i refuse to access it from the bbm icon because it marks the message automatically opened. if it's from sandra, i usually ignore it for a while and then answer. she's the only one i'll do that to because otherwise you're stuck in the vortex of her treadmill conversations about being so hard done by or else she's making you pack your bag for a guilt trip. either way she's fishing for something to do and in the meantime laying the foundation for the oodles of guilt she'll pile on you for not walking with her.
today i got a bb message from the sil. i could only read "wanna" in the message centre. i didnt open or acknowledge it.
of course i'm sitting here feeling rude and passive aggressive and immature for not opening it. there's this part of me that wants to open it and make everything ok (the old tracy) and the other part of me that doesnt want to play into the stupid games that seem to go on in the family. and i havent quite forgotten how she basically left the conversation in limbo, which inclines me to think that i dont owe her my time, attention, or response.
i hate feeling guilt over it...it's undeserved guilt. i really havent done anything wrong.
we just got back in from inspecting the river. it's really swollen, yet they are allowing cars over the maple ave bridge. the train is stopped across its river bridge and ch thinks it's to keep the bridge from floating away if necessary. frightening.
i got some good pics tonight of the flood and the city.
before we left, i could hear him on the phone with the sil and as we were driving home, he wondered if i'd want to go out with him to meet her and the cousin at the pub for a beer before they went to the movies tonight. i said no. really, i dont care to meet up with the cousin and i most certainly do not feel like being the sil's audience. too fucking bad.
so then ch basically pouted and decided that he'd stay home. he wasnt going to "sit there by myself"....uhm, you wouldnt be, ffs. whatever. it's not my problem...
so who knows how the sil will take this one. no doubt i'm the bad guy again. jesus christ, if only she knew that he wont do anything alone....
so far from ch there has been no mention of what the sil asked earlier today. he's still in his pj's and it's 1820, so there's evidently no rush in attempting to make plans with her. i had thought that he was waiting to maybe meet up with her and the cousin later, but he's really not made any effort to get off his ass.
instead i'm cooking chicken and steak on the bbq and having a beer and clam. i dont think we'll be going anywhere tonight, which is fine with me....
i wonder how disappointed the sil is tonight? i'm predicting she is very angry that she has lost control of this situation....
apparently they've evacuated people by helicopter out of yxh. i have no idea which neighbourhoods were affected, but i did see/hear the helicopter earlier this afternoon.
terri's friend is on evacuation notice and they are currently there helping her move her stuff to storage until dryer weather comes.
we are very fortunate to live up here nowhere near the swollen river.
oh it's the inlaws' mantra.
ch's cousin is in town this weekend staying @ the sil's. must be going really well *sarcasm if the sil has had to contact us both several times to try to get us to come over and entertain her.
she MUST be desperate, as she even bb messaged me this afternoon hinting around and wanting to know what it was we were doing this evening. wanting to know if we wanted a bbq, movies, bowling, drinking, or just what. i didnt really say too much. of course i responded. probably shouldnt have, as she hasnt responded to my texts.
of course she tried calling ch first and left him messages on his cell. she knows better than to call here directly, even tho she'd probably get an answer faster. i just love how she suddenly reaches out on the bb messenger system when she cant get what she wants from ch. hasnt talked to me by making initial contact in four months, but now she needs my response? fucking bullshit.
so i had responded kinda vaguely. i figure it's not my decision to make in terms of figuring out the evening. i really couldnt care less about seeing the cousin and figure she's sil's problem in terms of entertaining her. of course the sil spins it as her being charitable in allowing us to share time with the cousin. of course. in reality, it's just her way of sloughing off the responsibility of entertaining someone. at least that's how i see it.
i never said anything to ch about her texts and messages. i knew that i'm plan Z in terms of contacting, so i know that he would have had texts and communications sent to him. i'm the last resort. i was out repotting my tomato plants and could hear him upstairs on the phone having a covert conversation with her.
it's funny to me that he feels like he has to phone her in secret. in the past he's often talked to her in the car. she always seemed to phone him while he was driving (or he phoned her) and he'd pull into the garage, shut the car off, and sit there and talk for 15 minutes in a darkened garage. on her stressful days (which seem to be frequent), he'd be out there sometimes for as long as 45 minutes talking her out of her tree. it always irked me that he thought he had to do it secretly, lest i get angry and implode on him. ffs, it is his sister, however i find that once you give her an inch she'll take full liberty to step over your toes and wear your pants.
so she and he conversed. i have no idea what was said about this evening or if anything was decided. he's decidedly mum on the subject, and coincidentally, so is she. hasnt said sweet fuck all in response to me. now that she has what she wants (either a positive or negative response), she has no use for me.
fucking transparent.
i never should have responded to her bb text...next time i swear i'm ignoring it. hell, i'll delete it.
...because i think they deserve a post on their own. the peony is my favourite flower. i've tried in vain to grow them because i think they are just the most beautiful size, shape, and color.
most attempts have failed due to poor climates and the dogs' interference. they used to love to trample all over my plants as they'd chase dogs or cars going down the alley. now that there's a fence separating the back lawn and gardens from the deck, my gardens can all grow in peace without interference.
i have moved some of my peonies to a separate container and they are flourishing. i like the concept of container growth because i can put the plant anywhere i choose. i like the idea of transporting my garden to add a shot of green or color anywhere.
i chose lighter pink peonies (i believe they're called "sarah bernhart"), yet it appears that most of mine are potentially magenta. my favourites are the light pink peonies and i'm hoping they'll blossom, but it's not looking that way.
the ants are not seen as pests, but rather assistants in getting the flowers to open...so i watch in amazement as these little guys go to work and how everything in nature has its place.
it's really freaking amazing how things work.
here are some pics of the garden.
we've had quite a few nasty days of rain which we needed and the plants are thankful for. now we're set to get another shot of sun, so everything should blossom further...
(left) our memphis currant bush which came from crazy bernie's farm. it's growing like a weed, but has yet to produce flowers or fruit. i'm not complaining, as i really dont care for it...i just like the greenery.
the first garden i dug out...growing nicely. various bushes (cant recall the names off hand other than the yellow spirea) all taking hold. they've been in the ground four years now.
as anyone who knows me knows, i fucking hate mcdonald's. today i overheard one mother trying to placate her screeching child by offering up mcdonald's as a silencer.
good god.
i just got this email from a friend. passed on, as they always all are, in order to inform the consumer.
for years i have suspected that mcdonald's has been a shady company bowing only to the allmighty dollar while overlooking quality and health. i hate them for preying on kids and mcdonaldizing society. i see their company as a disease like ebola.
the question i have is if people actually REALLY eat there anymore?
the email:
This IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT AND INCLUDED HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here. But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...
This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink.
The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claims that there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an impact felt.
Please pass it on. Just to add a note:
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal. South Americans are not required to do this as of yet. McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at good old McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled. Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
I'm sorry but everything is not always about the bottom line, and when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
i've had glasses for the last 2 yrs now. generally need them to read and to use the computer.
i just got a new pair the other day and i'm in love with them. so much so that i'm wearing them around the house, even when i'm not in need of them. i like that they are an accessory, something new and fun.
i've noticed that when i wear them, i get different reactions from strangers. it seems like strangers are softer, more gentle. willing to smile, make eye contact. it's as if they are perceiving me as a softer person.
it's interesting to see reactions from these people. of course it could be all in my mind, but i think that people treat me differently when i wear my spectacles.
today i bought a new painting for the bedroom.
never intended to.
i was walking through winners just browsing, noting that nothing was really standing out. i found a cute bcbg sweater but then put it down when i realised that june isnt the time to be needing a sweater. in theory.
i wandered past the wall art because we've been lacking pictures in our bedroom. ever since i painted it, its walls have been bare. i'm just waiting for the right picture.
at first i thought the room needed a mirror. the jury's out on whether i'm onto something there. i still might go back to that and see at a later date.
as i was walking past the art, i found a group of paintings which made me stop. i found replicas of the group of seven's art work and settled my eyes on franklin carmichael's "evening north shore". it's listed on my painting as "evening lake superior" but is called the former, at least according to google.
as i sit here and type, i wonder if i should have purchased more of their paintings or replicas. i am amazed by just how utterly beautiful they are and wondering why i've been living under a rock all these years.
i think i've always looked over any canadian artist contributions to society and culture. i dont know why that is, but i see that it's been a grandiose oversight. just from simple browsing on the net, i feel as if i'm rediscovering beauty and wonder by looking at the group of seven's artwork. it's so simple, yet so utterly canadian and real to me that i need to learn and see more.
looking on the net, i am calmed by the group's paintings. i think it's the colors and the shapes which are not harsh, but are soft and loosely defined. calming. beautiful.
nothing cures boredom like shopping. even browsing is a ton of fun. kills the hours. mind you, for me, i end up wanting more things.
i like shopping in stores like walmart or winners where they just leave you the fuck alone. you can do as you want without someone coming up and asking if you've been helped. there are times i want the help, but most of the time when i do, i can never find anyone willing to lend me a hand. and when i dont need it? they're all over me like white on snow.
of course shopping at walmart comes with its drawbacks: loud speakers going off at random times, usually by the non-english speaking people who talk in high eardrum breaking screeches, the children crying and yelling all over the place, and the ill mannered assholes who either push past without saying excuse me or hog an entire aisle. there's nothing worse than needing something just---riiiight----there and having some oblivious fucktard blocking it. and i hate having to say "excuse me", not the words itself (because, c'mon, i'm not the sil), but it's the interruption and feeling like i'm ushering them along and asking them to speed up their shopping experience. it's the implication that i'm in a rush when i'm generally not. hate that.
today i went through a slower check out. the woman apologized profusely about the delay. i must have given off the air of impatience, which was completely unintentional. cashing wasnt her area of expertise. neither was time management. i didnt really care tho. i had nowhere to be, no agenda. happy enough to be out of the house in a solitary pursuit.
ch and i have always disagreed about keys to this house. ever since we bought it, he has handed out keys to his immediate family, despite them all living 300km west of here in yyc.
to me it's elemental: none of them need keys. none. if you ask me, our house is not a hotel, altho it's been widely assumed as such throughout this god damned family, and our space is just that: OURS. not theirs, OURS.
in the past, the use of the key has been abused by the sil, the manipulative cunt, and at one precious blip in time, she didnt have a key. we never heard the end of how we shouldnt lock the door because ~god forbid~ we'd lock her out. have ya ever heard of ringing a fucking doorbell, you cunt? jesus christ. it's what 99.99999% of the real world does. not everyone has a fucking key to everyone else's house.
so we recently got our locks rekeyed...and for a second, i was really enjoying his family not having access to our house. since the sil moved here, she hasnt abused it because i think she knows that we could easily reciprocate seeing as she had to buy less than 1km from our home. now that his dad has decided he's staying here this week (fuck, more on that later), ch believes we'll have to rush out and get a key cut for him as well as the sil in short order. so when i challenged him on it, he said that it's nice to have a key out there in case something happens.
well, riddle me this, batman: what fucking good does it do to have a key out there in yyc when we are in yxh? a key that is at least 3hrs away from here in the possession of someone who is hardly going to get out of bed and get on the road to help, and even if (by remote chance) they did, it would have taken less time for us to call a locksmith....
i havent handed keys out to my family, but if ch is going to play this game, why then i'll insist he get 2 more keys cut...fuck, maybe i should say that michelle and kim should have one, too...so he may as well cut 8.
it's doubtful he'll even see the stupidity in it...
i went for another massage on monday. like the last time, dan and i got talking and chatting for nearly the entire hour. instead of talking about gardening, this time we talked religion.
it's a topic i dont like discussing, especially with religious folk. it makes me uneasy. i know it's one of those things that everyone says not to talk about...religion, politics...but i could think of a few more things that other people dont want to discuss, too.
anyway, dan was talking about how he's heard the voice of god, and where that might sound odd, i suppose it's kind of cool. not that i'm a believer, but i do think that it's interesting to hear other peoples' stories about stuff they believe in and how it affects them. i've never had those kinds of experiences in terms of religion and i doubt i ever will to be honest. i dont think it's in me.
regardless, it was a good hour of chatting, despite the awkward subject. all i can say is that at least we are not discussing ch and having it turn into an hour of therapy. for that i'm grateful.
went and did the lawn bowling thing. it was ok, but i really dont fit in. i wasnt feeling particularly social, so i didnt speak too much and just did a lot of listening.
after we'd bowled a bit and had our asses thoroughly kicked, we kicked back and the guys had their home lotto meeting. the other ladies (there were five of us in total) sat and talked about babies, diapers, and feedings. there were four of them congregated over on one side of the field talking about kids, and i deliberately chose to stay far away from that nonsense, even if it meant that i'd be sitting there alone awkwardly. and when i say "far away", i meant it. there were four park benches separating me from them.
really tho, who thinks it's interesting to congregate and talk about that shit when not everyone in the group is a mother? i certainly dont. of course i havent experienced that 'delight' yet, and never will, but at the same time i think that most skilled conversationalists realise that their audience may not know exactly what they're talking about and adjust their conversation accordingly.
no offense, but i find most new moms lacking on the common sense front in terms of discussing kids and bodily functions. there are other things out there more interesting than bowel movements. really.
i had a big brainwave last night. started thinking about my niece and nephew in yyc and how i never see them, so decided to email their mother and see if i could take them to the yyc stampede in july. we're relatively strangers to these kids, so bringing them here would be a gong show in terms of making them feel comfortable. also, my sil is a complete cunt in terms of letting either of us have one on one time with the kids, so i'd rather do it where she cant be, or do it quietly.
i'm hoping that my other lesser bitchy sil thinks it's a good idea and wants to come along with me to the grounds. i really dont relish the idea of taking 2 kids to the park. i'd be worried all day long about their whereabouts. and if their mother is there, then i wont have to worry if there are meltdowns or if there's bullshit.
so for now i'm just waiting to see if she will respond and then go from there and plan something. i really hope she can or will keep this quiet, meaning not telling the inlaws (who will be sure to tell the cunty sil) or have either party find out. if the inlaws find out, they will most certainly tell the sil and then you can bet that the sil will deem that it's her turn to take them next year. i think if it goes well, i'm going to declare to their mom that i'm taking them every kids' day so that the cunt cant. if the inlaws dont tell her (yeah, RIGHT), they'll expect that i drop in and see them....oh god, they micromanage every part of our lives, including what we do in yyc. that's why i keep my visits there on the DL.
anyway, i'm sure i'll write about what's going on...
well, i'm not sure what the day holds in store. i know that tonight ch has signed us up for lawn bowling with some of his home lotto committee members. he has promised we'll do "something else" later, which means without a doubt that we will end up in rossco's. correction: I will drive THEM to rossco's and come home and enjoy another saturday night in silence, doing it my way.
it's finally nice out after a rainy shitty windy pissy week. the weather does get me down around these parts. i think it's contributing to whatever sense of unease and unhappiness i've been experiencing lately. the more the wind blows, the more aggravated and irritated i become. it's not rocket science to figure that all out.
seeing as it's the first nice weekend in june, i'm sure the gardening centres will be all picked over. from what anyone has said recently, nobody has planted anything in gardens because of the temps and conditions. i can imagine every store will be busy today and if i dont get my ass in there, it will be slim pickins sunday or even monday. ugh, i really dread the thought of going anywhere and fighting crowds today.
it's ch's day off, so that means he will be underfoot if i dont go and do something with myself. it's always annoying when he's off and i'm home too because the TV is on constantly. he cant seem to sit in the livingroom and surf the net without the tv blaring. just having him in the house while i'm home seems as if he's a big interruption. i know that is wrong to say, but when interests diverge, it's pretty hard to sit there and accept things you dont like.
i've already taken the recyclables, cashed in the bottles and cleaned the kitchen. i have to take on the fishtank, as fergie over fed the plechys their algae and turned the tank green. the tank was clear prior to us going to vegas, so i'm mildly annoyed with this. i hate cleaning the damned fish tank. of course it's my job. i think that's on the list and then hitting up home depot and cdn tire for flowers, maybe even walmart if i'm in the mood, and then planting them, cutting the lawn, and getting ready for lawn bowling. and by "getting ready", i mean showering and plastering on a fake smile and enthusiasm for people i really dont care for.
ffs, i need an attitude reboot.
what IS it with itunes only putting the good songs on there if you buy the full album? i mean, really...do i need 8 other songs if the only song on there is good and the rest are crap? fuck that noise. and of course, you cant possibly buy the good song by itself; no. you have to fucking well put up with 7 other obnoxious remixes in order to get the song you're looking for.
piss off, itunes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYLjSvxePOk
very haunting...like this remix way better.
why in the hell arent the good songs-slash-remixes on itunes??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-MgTXY-HCk
heard this song in yoga, but heard the slower more haunting version. cant locate it, but wish i could.
damn, i hear great stuff in yoga while i'm sweating to death....
yesterday i was in petsmart looking for dog food. i decided to walk to the cat adoption place and check out the cats. on the way there, i found dog sweaters on sale for $3 each. i know, i know it's laughable, but when we shave our mutts, they are so cold from the air conditioning and often can be found laying in a sunbeam to warm up. and seeing as the weather has been the shits lately and the dogs have been cold, i couldnt pass up $3 sweaters. i might even go back to get MORE since they're so cheap.
so i walked over to the cats. there were about five there and the one that caught my eye was a white one that looked sorta like sid. she is fixed and is 2 and is mostly white with black calico markings on the top of her head and further down her body. she was sitting there staring off into space when i got there and didnt really respond. most cats will get up and purr and rub the glass, but this cat just sat there not looking at me. i talked to her and her claw flexed as acknowledgement, but she sat there still staring off.
i made the mistake of reading her card. she's been in the system since march 2009. that's one full year and 3 months of being behind bars and not in a loving home. my heart broke reading that. i've been thinking about it ever since, wondering why it is that this poor beautiful creature hasnt been adopted.
the more i think about it, the more i want to rescue her and bring her back here and give her some freedom and a loving home. this cat has touched me and i feel like it would be irresponsible of me to let her continue to live there behind bars without being taken to a loving home.
of course i have the dilemma of worrying about whether i really need a new cat at this point and whether another cat is something i was going to consider in my future. i had sworn that i wouldnt get new cats, but i know that every time i'm at my mom's place, i cant stop pestering her cats and hugging and petting them. i was looking forward to having less hair in the house and less worry, but really cats are not as troublesome as dogs and as long as you feed and water them and clean their litter, they're pretty content. in terms of animals, cats are low maintenance compared to dogs.
i'd have to run all this past ch, but i already know that he likely wont go for it. he doesnt like cats and i'm pretty sure he's just biding his time till tasha is no more and then he will be happy he wont have them around. since sid passed, ch has admitted that he cares about the cat, but i think that she's grown on him out of horrible circumstances, rather than him coming to his senses and realising that cats arent all that bad afterall.
i would have to consider tasha's feelings as well. would she think that this cat is taking away from her attention? i dont know. would it entertain her? most likely. i think for the first 2 weeks, the cats wouldnt like each other, but over time they do grow to tolerate one another. i also have no idea if this cat likes dogs and that could be another gong show, too. our dogs basically leave the cat alone now, but i think a new kitty would have their curiousities piqued.
still have to think. i shudder to think about the fate of this cat, however if it really has been in the system for over a year, then there is some hope that it will continue to be. i just think that it's a real shame that a cat has had to live its life imprisioned because of some stupid person's belief that it was useless.
fuck, i hate people.
dear sc.
i know we havent talked in nearly 20 years. when i type it, i'm shocked it's been that long.
i continue to think about you after all these years. may 25th this year i thought about you more so than i usually do. on the 30th, i remembered you again. i dont think i'll ever forget those dates.
i was a jackass at 18. i admit that fully and without self pity. i admit it with loathing and regret and immense eye rolling at how "worldly" i thought i was then in my first year of university. as if i was so much more sophisticated because i knew different things...to that attitude i scoff heartily.
i was an arrogant jackass. i dont even expect you to remember, or hell, i dont expect you to care at this point in your life. i really dont know why i'm writing this, but perhaps it's because i know you'll never read it and it's in the hopes that someday i'll be able to say it all to you and you'll nod and say "it's ok" and everything will end the way it's meant to.
i was a jerk in how i ended it. and you know what? i never really wanted to. i was persuaded by older friends who laughed that i was dating a high school boy. those same "friends" are currently living with their parents as the clock ticks toward 40. [you can laugh, it's ok. the last laugh is always going to be on me until you say it's ok.]
feel free to laugh here, but the person i chose in place of you was a terrible human being. treated me horribly. i was glamoured by his constant stream of gifts and false promises. perhaps if i had been as wise and worldly as i am now (in comparison), i would have seen through it, but the 18yr old naive little elevator girl couldnt see past the watches and flowers and endless "deep" conversations i figured i deserved from you. instead i fell for it all, never loving how he kissed me or how he looked. he tried to tell me that you and i were juveniles, that he was the answer, that what you and i had was nothing. he never compared to you. i still missed you on the 25th and 30th even tho i was with him. it drove him nuts to think that i was thinking of you, but i still loved you.
remember when he and i were out and he came up to you months later, the smug prick who said hi to you, knowing full well he had me and took me from you. i hated him for that, for rubbing it in and making you angry. i'd like to think that i dumped him shortly after he did that to you, but i doubt i did. not that it makes a whit of difference, but i cheated on him several times with no regrets. he honestly deserved it. i hope you feel he did, too.
when i think about how much i pined over you for 2 yrs before you finally asked me out, i just want to die thinking i threw it all away so carelessly and so callously. to write you a 'dear john' was heartless. you did nothing to me, other than believe in me. i know we were just kids and i'm certain that you have long since got over me and how i treated you, but there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i somehow scarred you for life and made you question every other female who came into your life. of course i'm sure that others made more of an impact than i did.
please know that i didnt cheat. no, that came a few weeks after you got my letter. it was horrible. i cried. i think by any definition i was raped, but i think i believed i deserved it somehow after what i did to you. as an adult i so wish that you had been my first. i regret very deeply that we didnt go all the way. god, there were opportunities and many nights where we could have, but we were both scared and shy. i regret not just taking the initiative and doing what we should have been doing since we started seeing each other. you were so much more than i ever gave you credit for.
years later i wanted you back. i would have done just about anything to get you, but you wanted nothing to do with me. when i moved to yyc, i used to fantasize about driving back to our home town and walking into your workplace...me at 25, you at 24 and us reconnecting and what i hoped, conversing. i had hoped that my awkward phase was behind me and that i'd wow you with my new look and body and you'd fall head over heels and we could pick up where we left off, but this time we'd do it right and do everything we were meant to. it was never to be because i chickened out. couldnt do it. oh how i wanted to, but i was so scared you'd reject me. i would deserve it, yes, but i just wanted you back.
years later i've returned to the area. i still think about you and wonder where you are. when i go to the city, i scan the crowd looking for you, hoping to see you again. i secretly hope that i will see you and put these feelings to rest, even if it means that we dont converse or acknowledge one another. i'd like to think i'd say hi, but i think regrets and fear would take over and i'd look away and keep walking. please know that i would never intentionally snub you. i would be scared you'd ignore me, so i would protect myself from being hurt.
the funny thing is that despite the years that have passed, i still hurt. i hurt more now than i did when i made those silly decisions. i havent regretted a lot about my life, but i most certainly will always regret how i treated you. it will haunt me until i shuffle off this mortal coil.
this isnt a love letter; no. it's a letter to express my regrets. i'm saying that you will always have a place in my heart. even tho i have aged and become a different person every seven years, that part of me that was with you aches. i ache for the many regrets i have.
at the time i always thought there was more to life than life in nobleford. i didnt want to hang out with people i went to high school with. i just wanted to go, go, go. i just wish i waited for you to catch up and see that, too.
who knows, maybe it never would have panned out. maybe we would have ended it years later over kids and family and many other hearts being broken. perhaps we did the right thing leaving when we did and only breaking our hearts, but i can tell you that there is a part of my heart that has died and wont ever recover. it shames me to admit that.
i know we have both moved on, but deep down, i really have not. what i did will always haunt me.
i know that there is nothing i can say which will make you forgive me. and i know that i would far rather say all this to you in person than to write it to you just like i did back in 91, however you dont deserve me descending upon you and ruining what you have now. i ruined your life once; i swear i will not do it a second time.
for now i will leave you and your life and just remember the good things about us. those memories will never be replaced. they're the halcion days, glossed over, memories which still make me smile to this day.
one day when i can not possibly ruin your life further, you will get a letter you can not respond to. please do me the favour and read it. it will be my last wish.
xoxoxo.
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