interesting quote

"As we say in The Program, 'When you're inside in a meeting, your disease is outside in the parking lot doing push ups" - waiting til you're vulnerable again."

---quoted from "hunter" on CDAN

156am

the guys are still travelling.  they're 10 minutes from seven persons and encountering yet another whiteout/blizzard.

what a shitty trip.

it's like they're being punished for going.

gee, i wonder what kind of mood ch will arrive in?  likely pissy but glad to be home.  i think it will kill me if he arrives ready to kill and angry, even if it is deservedly so.

small freaking town

my bollywood instructor is married to my hot vet.

lucky bitch.

seriously, they are too cute for each other. 

love them!!

my poor aloe

i transplanted it a few weeks ago into its permanent home. 

since then, the bottom leaves have been pinching themselves off and i suspect cutting off lifelines in distress.

see, i put in my compost scraps which were kind of watered down coffee ground consistency as well as a few eggshells.  since then the beast hasnt been doing very well.

i'm worried.  it's like a child.  a sweet child of mine, if you will.

i think i'm going to have to dig up the roots and dig out the compost and trash it.  i really dont want to willingly kill this poor plant that has done exceedingly well in my home.  i know that i paid only $6 for it but it has honestly brought me so much joy and pleasure and surprise that i can not kill it.

i think i'll be digging it up and repotting it with extra TLC tomorrow. 

poor plant...honestly, my heart bleeds for it.

JT

man, just thinking about that james taylor song makes me realise how much i just love his songs.  i dont even know what got me onto them.  perhaps it was listening to ckua or cbc.  i dont know, but i went and picked up his greatest hits album and loved every song on there. 

some of my absolute favourites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T35WXFOmwI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gic6B-B6rpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hElWn6UHOfg

i love his voice, the way he inflects and belts out every note.  the way he plays the guitar. 

man alive, i need to hear more of his music!!

a dance with my dad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXxJHk3vWvo&feature=related


james taylor has to be among one of my favourite singers.  i love this song and it makes me cry when i hear it.  it will always remind me of my dad and the lyrics will remind me forever of a father and daughter's bond. 

every time i hear this, i will think of my pops.

oh yes, back to that card

i was talking about the card i bought ch before i got on a big tangent.

in it i wrote that i couldnt believe that five years had gone quickly.

we've always joked that we're in this for fifty years and so on anniversaries we joke that we only have 49, 48, 47 years left.

i am astonished that time has gone this quickly.  five years have blown by.  i still find it difficult to believe that the wedding was that long ago when it feels as if i was laying in bed at this time in 2005 talking to my sister in the wee hours.  it's the little things like that which make me smile.  it was like it was the last innocent thing i did before marriage.  oh i know, we lived together prior and i'm hardly wearing a habit here when i discuss it, but staying up with my sister whispering into the night was one of the best times we've shared.  we've had many since, and i'm sure many more to come, but it's one memory of that day i will always look back on and smile.  there arent many more, to be honest.

the day was spent in a haze of champagne, stress, and ativan.  oh the blessed little tongue melting pills!  i inhaled quite a few to keep me calm and the mascara from running.  i was upset hours before the wedding when my fil came over to drop off my wedding dress and then tell sally that she was exceptionally rude and he was tired of her.  after she shut the door, she told me and i burst into tears.  i had refused to come to the door when he rang the bell and he was demanding to see me for god only knows what reason.  i could hear him from upstairs and actually saw him pull up out front and told the girls "please, dont let him see me...i dont want to deal with him" and he was actually belligerent and wanting to talk to me and they held him off...but not before he dealt his "you're rude" card to sally and skulked off.  what a fucking asshole.

all the hells made it about them.  clay and heather whined that clay wasnt in the wedding, despite he and ch not being friends at all, sil made it all about her during her stint as the emcee and refused to acknowledge liking me or my family, the fil was rude to my friends the night before and day of the wedding, and the mil was a stuck up bitch all day long and then later held shit over my head all because she was angry i wouldnt solicit her help in planning the wedding.  hey, if i wanted a wedding from the 70's with no taste, i would have called her...but i was happy to do it my way.  was it perfect?  likely far from it, but it was MY wedding.  she had her chance YEARS ago to fuck up her own day. 

the best parts of the day were drinking the champagne with the girls who participated at the salon.  it wasnt fun having the  sil there sulking and acting cunty, nor was it fun dealing with my mom who was wishy washy about her mother being there, but for those who did participate, it was fun.  and then it was more fun having drinks prior to the wedding with sally and jan as we got ready and tried to relax.  and then as i held ch's hand once i made it down the aisle and realised that he was shaking as much as i was.  of course he argues that it was all me doing the shaking but i beg to differ!  so comforting to finally be up there holding his hand, honestly.

and the best parts of the day were our first dance.  the dance with my dad to a james taylor song which still makes me cry today.  the night we got back to the hotel and it was just ch and i and we toasted ourselves and said that we couldnt believe we actually did it.  the next day hanging out and being a couple...it really was one of the best parts of april 30, 2005.

but anyway, i wrote in his card that the five years have past quickly and i want the next 45 to go slow...please.

stuck in my head

whatever you say, it's all right
whatever you do, it's all good
whatever you say, it's all right

i could listen to that line over and over again at the 3:27 mark.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-t1a_pzVKQ&feature=related

1250AM

back up and running.

checking on shit, feeling more grounded.

it's funny how something as trite as the internet can leave you feeling unconnected (pun?).  if mine is down, i get pissy.  like WTF??  i need it.  it's my fix.  i think it's deadlier than meth or ciggies...harder to break.

so the boys are on highway 36.  they claim it's better.  no sooner crossing the border a big semi passed them going south in their northbound passing lane.  honestly? that's news i could do without on the eve of my 5th anniversary.

yeah, it's been five years.  incredible when i think of it and how much i've changed since then and how my circle has expanded and subtracted and how i'm talking to and not talking to folks i did 5yrs ago.

i just looked at my cousin's wedding pic and her wedding was april 15th/06...and i thought about her at my wedding and how we conversed and how things were not like that one year later.  like at that moment, 50 weeks later, she would be engaged and married all at once.  amazing.  and when i look at them and see their marriage, i'm so happy for them.  she deserves to be happy after years of misery with a complete douche.  it's just funny how things happen so quickly and how we can be at one place thinking all is well or right and then all of a sudden something happens that changes our lives within a year.  for better, for worse.

i got ch a card for our anniversary a few years ago.  i dont even remember which anniversary it was, but i never ended up giving it to him for whatever reason.  this year i was txting rb and he was going on that ch was looking for an anniversary present for me.  well, fuck!  i never intended to get him anything.  i was just hoping that we'd actually follow through with it and go for sushi as we discussed weeks ago and then get together with the seitzies and some other dudes and have drinks.  you know, the usual...but at least spend some time together enjoying food we both enjoy.

but i got news from rb that he was looking for a present and despite my protests of "i have everything i need" or "i didnt get him anything" (which was true), rb claimed that ch got me something and was determined to give it to me.  i went to walmart (GLAMOUR!) and bought him some undershirts and socks.  i know, terribly boring, but WHAT ELSE do you give someone who has everything and wants for nothing?  i just so happened to open the mail tonight and moore's had sent me a $50 gift card for being a loyal shopper and i threw that in his card, too.  honestly, both he and i have everything...what else could there be needed?

materialism is just ridiculous.

1148pm

without warning, I ran another scan and the internet connected. And within 2 seconds of that, rb phoned. The timing was uncanny. It was as if whatever it was that was blocking the internet cleared itself up and they could get through to call. Eerie timing.


It’s still a whiteout at the border. They’ve crossed. I told him I’d text him with weather and road conditions…fucking stupid weather. It’s always a crapshoot coming back from the states via allegiant.

And there with that keystroke the internet is out. Again. Jesuschrist, my lifeline is dried up. So much for texting them road conditions….fuckssake

1145pm

I still haven’t heard boo from ch or rb. I’m tempted to call but I know how distracting a ringing phone can be when it’s all you can do to keep your hands on the wheel and stay on the road without freaking on the passenger beside you for simply breathing. If I had the fucking internet (insert pissed off face), I’d be able to figure out approximately how much longer they’d have to get here. I sincerely doubt theyre anywhere near coutts. I’d be surprised if they were.


I know it will be quicker going once they hit the border because the ama website said that the road conditions were all green, which means ok. Compared to montana’s website, it was a joke, really. Or montana’s was a joke. Either way. Montana’s said that it was slushy and icy and shitty right up to the border but the ama’s said that as soon as the border was hit, the roads were perfectly fine. Which is it, boys? I genuinely don’t believe that the road conditions would improve at the 49th parallel.

1135pm

Still no internet. It keeps telling me to check with my internet provider. Yeah, a lot of good that will do. Fuck.


I was listening to gian gomeshi (sp? I’d check but I don’t have the fucking net) the other day and he was talking to todd bridges of diff’rent strokes. Todd has recently written a book called “killing willis” about his days as a child star, drug addict, and recovering addict. I was really interested in what he had to say during the interview and immediately thought that I had to get the book. I found it today when I was at walmart browsing and bought it. So far I have read the first chapter and it has been fairly engrossing. It’s almost to the point where I want to write mr bridges and commend him on his honesty and thank him for writing an interesting tome.

I had bought ______’s book on divorce. Blank right now because the fucking internet…god dammit, do I rely on google or what? I thought her book would be very interesting because I used to see her on “what’s for dinner’ with ken kostick back in the early 2000’s. I was unemployed and my days consisted of sleeping in and then going to the library, not to look for a job, but to email my friend, and then returning home to watch Martha stewart and the cooking show with ken and mary jo. Mary jo was married to dean mcdermott, who later left her for tori spelling. I had read an excerpt from her book and thought it might be a juicy novel about the goings on behind the scenes. Apart from the “what? You’re leaving me” part of the book, the rest of it was aimed at newly divorced women and what they should do with their lives…well, does that really apply to me? I was sorely disappointed with it. I read it, but I growled all the way through it and wondered why I wasted any time or money on it. I passed it onto kim with the hopes that she’d get it to her brain dead sister (who reminds me a lot of the sil in terms of uselessness) who is going through a divorce herself. There was a lot of great advice in it, but it didn’t really apply to married folks. Seeing as kim’s sister is mildly retarded socially and mentally, I thought she might benefit from reading the book and actually taking some of the advice to heart.

I know that people say “no good deed goes unpunished”…I’ll see if she ever says anything to me in terms of snarking me off about my intentions or unsaid comments about her behaviour.

1120pm

I was thinking earlier tonight on my way to starbucks that james will have plenty to say about me doing bollywood dancing. He’s always amazed that I’m putting myself out of my comfort zone and sees that as a big step toward improvement. I recently had a moment of clarity where I started thinking that I’ve spent most of my life unhappy with things how they’ve been and as I’ve grown up, I’ve looked back and realized that I had it good when I was complaining the most, that I should be happy for what I have now. So I’m going to be excited to talk to james and tell him my new revelations about life. I’m going to have to CONSCIOUSLY be grateful for what I have instead of grousing about what I don’t.


With that being said tho, I wonder if being happy with what you have actually diminishes desire to improve or become a better person. I suppose that being grateful and happy and satisfied doesn’t have to translate to complacent. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.

Life is a fucking delicate balance…eat enough, exercise enough, and lose weight. Change one of the variables and you either gain or lose. I’m trying hard to figure out that balance in terms of weight loss and in terms of being happy or satisfied with who I am. To continually try new things but stay true to who I am, to try the new things and feel challenged without being overwhelmed and still get something out of it.

God not having internet sucks.

11:07pm

so here I sit and it’s getting late and I swear that the fucking latte I had at starbucks at 830 was fully caffeinated because I feel jumpy, edgy, and just out of sorts. I stopped at the liquor store to get some wine after receiving a text indicating that ch and rb were on their way home and going through the snow to get home. I know that if I was there, we’d have stayed overnight, but since it’s the two of them I’m fairly convinced that neither wants to be in the company of the other after 4 days nonstop, so they’ll soldier on.

Of course I’m in panic mode wondering if the house is clean enough, even tho that detail is never regarded or deemed important in ch’s eyes, but it’s a detail I worry and stress over and wonder if he’ll get the smell of stale cat food after being absent for four days or whether he’ll smell that air freshener I just bought and deem it too overpowering the way I did when I arrived home from class tonight. Oh the shit that goes through one’s mind as they tick tock the hours down till the arrivals.

At this rate the boys likely wont be back to the hat till way past one. They were about 1hr out of Shelby an hour ago and it was slow going. 70km/hr in poor visibility, and shelby’s at least 1hr from the border, so I know it will be a tiresome night and very stressful. I had received calls and a text from rb which indicated that ch wasn’t taking his hands off the wheel so I know that he will be tired and stressed when he gets back here.

Because the wind is blowing at mach 2199, the internet is down. Admittedly, the internet is my primary source of entertainment in down times. The tv just doesn’t cut it anymore. I’m beyond pissed that a simple thing like wind has it knocked completely out and flat and I sit here stressed because I’m unable to check anything…jann arden’s website, where I’ve heard that she is auctioning off paintings so I want to see her work, to reading the last bits of gossip that enty lawyer has likely posted since I have been in class.

Speaking of that, what a shit show: tonight I just couldn’t do anything and was all thumbs and left feet. I was embarrassed. There was a point where she was getting us to individually show what we know and I was the retard who didn’t get it. So naturally the whole class is looking at me when it’s my turn and it’s all happening in slow motion as the lady does her thing before me and the instructor says “perfect” and then suddenly it’s my turn and I already have set myself up to fail before I begin and have that feeling of ultimate dread in my stomach the same way I did in 3rd year 18thC English lit where I had to present my view on a stupid book I couldn’t understand to a class of judgmental fourth year assholes. every statement I made came out sounding like a question, so I sounded even dumber than I looked in my purple jeans and striped top.

I try to do my thing and then have to stop and say “but I’m NOT a dancer, this doesn’t come naturally to me” feeling as if I have to apologize to the entire class, and then she has to stop and break it down for me and I STILL don’t / wont get it and then finally she sees my frustration and has the rest of the class doing it alongside me. I was so embarrassed I wasn’t sure whether I should cry or walk out and never return. I get the first parts of the song; it’s just the new stuff with complicated steps that I’m having immense difficulty over. Then add to it that michelle is there and SHE gets it and it’s her first class, and I feel even worse. The instructor rashida is telling us to look sexy, well….i kind of feel as if I’m some kind of robot doing some pseudo sexy dance and making a complete fool out of myself. I’m like a kid who has stolen down to the basement of her grandma’s house and is under the stairs with the light on looking at the fancy dresses and surreptitiously trying them on and waddling around in her high heels and wigs trying to look sophisticated. I look in the mirrors that are placed in the studio and wonder wtf I’m doing in this class and feel as if I’m the ugly duckling trying to fit in beside the swans. I can do other things: run like crazy, lift weights, do yoga, but somehow doing simple dance moves has me completely stymied and confused, and embarrassed. I protest my ignorance and rashida is trying her best to keep me afloat while the other classmates cluck their approval and “no, you’re getting it; it’s ok”s. embarrassing.

There is one thing about me that frustrates me is that I get very impatient if I don’t get something first off. My yoga instructor always says that about new sequences, that we are hesitant to do them and hate doing it but once we get used to it, we like it. And it is true: once I figure out how to do a pose, I’m happy to do it and hold it. She always says “we love doing what we can do the best” and it’s true. Same applies to bollywood dancing. Oh I get the first part of the song and understand what I should be doing and the moves and I know the first few minutes, but when it actually comes down to flowing and making it work, I stumble and fail. The rest of them seem to be getting it but as soon as I do a misstep, I stop and get mad. We’re supposed to paste smiles on our faces and all I can do is get angry with myself. Smiling at that point seems pointless, fake, and ridiculous.

are we in kansas yet?

fucking wind is rocking the house.

ch's flight is delayed.  no shock.  i think it's really quite gusty in GTF and snowy too.  i doubt they'll get out of there before 5pm vegas time.

there's nothing worse than waiting in an airport when you're all set to get home.  hate that.

still digging...

here's the full version...madly digging on itunes.

maddening...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-t1a_pzVKQ&feature=PlayList&p=4C92269E0CF31A23&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=30

You in the dark

You in the pain

You on the run

Living a hell

Living your ghost

Living your end

Never seem to get in the place that I belong

Don't wanna lose the time

Lose the time to come

Whatever you say it's alright

Whatever you do it's all good

Whatever you say it's alright

Silence is not the way

We need to talk about it

If heaven is on the way

If heaven is on the way

You in the sea

On a decline

Breaking the waves

Watching the lights go down

Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say it's alright

Whatever you do it's all good

Whatever you say it's alright

Silence is not the way

We need to talk about it

If heaven is on the way

We'll wrap the world around it

If heaven is on the way

If heaven is on the way

I'm a stranger in this town

I'm a stranger in this town

I'm a stranger in this town

If heaven is on the way

If heaven is on the way

I'm a stranger in this town

I'm a stranger in this town

before i forget

i went ahead and planted the tree yesterday.

the thunderchild crabapple trees are prolific around the hat, so i figured i may as well put it in the ground and get it going sooner rather than later.

i planted it by our big living room window.  in time it will grow to 16feet tall, so it will shade the window and our deck, which hopefully will cut our cooling costs.

it looks very pretty and was really easy to put in the ground.

i want more trees now!!

last day of freedom

it's been a great run.  really.  i've done a few things i aimed to do and that's what matters.  it feels good to have them done.

i am looking forward to ch coming home.  yes, i can admit that i kinda missed him.  sure, i could go another couple of days alone, but i have kinda missed him.  i was texting with him yesterday (he initiated it) and it made me realise that i do miss talking to him...it makes me wonder if i'd miss him as much if i didnt talk to him.  (an experiment for another day, i suppose)

today it's hideous out.  i'm still in my pj's.  i woke up at 10:15 which was way too late, and i didnt even take neo citran last night.  i decided to not use it, as the last couple of days i've been unambitious and sluggish.  yeah, i've accomplished things in the house but when it has come to fitness and going out after to yoga, i've not really wanted to be there.

i'm going to get in the shower and get some groceries.  i'm skipping the gym tonight since stacey's decided it's cardio legs.  of course as i say that i feel immense guilt, so i may end up going anyway.  i would like to skip, how bout that?  i just am not in the mood to do legs again this week.  tonight is bollywood and michelle is coming.  i was telling her that people take it very seriously there and she couldnt believe it...she's going to be in for a shock tonight.

most likely i'll make some semblance of dinner for ch since i think he wont eat between here and gtf once he lands.  i think he'll be driving like a maniac to get home.  i expect him home by 10 at the latest since their plane lands at 5-something.  it might be weather delayed so i'm going to check on that.  there  might be a possibility of them having to stay over in gtf tonight.  time will tell.

so that's today's line up...we'll see what happens.

lists

i function well with lists.

here's my list of things which have to be finished this year (or i'll go mental):

1. fix the bi-fold doors on my closet and the washing machine closet
2. fix the 2 gates
3. fix the lawn where the dogs have peed
4. fix the weather stripping on the front door (since i just discovered today that rain seeps in when north winds BLAST the fucking house)
5. fix the scratches and dings on the walls
6. get the locks re-tooled
7. get a new handset for the garage man door

what makes my head spin is this house is only 7 yrs old and needs all this shit...the gates are newer still...it all seems very overwhelming at times...

i just wish that chris and i were handy because it would be no problem to fix the stuff we need, but we'll have to hire out people and it's a matter of just doing it, i suppose...

windy as fuck

once again it's windy as fuck in this city.  i'm SO tired of it.

yes, i'm grateful that we have rain instead of snow, but COME ON.  i'm tired of the wind.  it's roaring out there at 60-90km/hr.  RIDICULOUS.

next week promises to be better, more mild.  really looking forward to it because i'm just sick of this bullshit.  i think it's really contributing to my anger issues as of late.

oh woe is you

arrived at yoga last night and sandra was going ON about how i should feel sorry for her.

she was complaining she's been really moody lately and i'm not sure what it really is.  i'm pretty sure it's a combination of being fucked over by some guy who laid it out clearly for her, but she never quite got it, and her parents, oh and likely me.  of course i am living my life merrily and i'm not going to pack my bags for that guilt trip, thanks.

so she starts in by complaining that she has so much yard work to do.  in the past her 80+yr old dad would come and help her clean the yard each year.  this year her mother has said "no way" and has put her foot down and thinks sandra should take care of her own business.  i have mentioned it in the past but this just reiterates that sandra lives in a different reality than most of us who function on our own.  she expects her ageing parents to do for her in ways that are incomprehensible.  so she was going on last night that she has to do everything herself in the house she owns.  and i cant help but say "SO?" as she's saying it because it's HER HOUSE, so she should do the maintenance!!!  FFS!  she was complaining about how much there was to do and how expensive it all is to get people to fix things and do for her.  well, unless you learn it yourself, you'll rely on the service industry to help you, which is ok, but it is REALITY.

so then she starts in saying that she has to do it all alone and how she could go out with someone who is nice and isnt attractive to her or go after the attractive ones who treat her like shit.  and i know she's using the initial statement aimed at me for suggesting who she should date.  again, i'm not going to really listen to it but it annoys me because LIFE IS CHOICES.  she's choosing not to date or to pick winners, nobody else is to blame for that.

then she starts in again about vacationing and how she wants to go to hawaii again and waah waah it's too expensive to go on her own, but none of her friends will go with her because they're married or have boyfriends.  i know that is a direct stab at me.  like i'm supposed to feel guilty because i STAYED married?  because i want to spend time with someone i married?  i'm sorry but my life is not full of entertaining single friends because they're bored, lonely, or scared when it's convenient for them. 

she yammered on that i have a full social life and it's so unfair because she does not.  i got kind of defensive about that.  i wish i just told her to stop comparing me to her because it's two different ball games.  the thing is she thinks she knows me but she has NO clue about anything.  and i think she was basing it on me going to 2 parties this weekend, so she suddenly believes i have this rich social life where she pales in comparison.

i really get sick of her woe is me conversations.  like it's to the point now where i'm thinking that i'm going to start telling her that life is choices and she's chosen her path so she either best be accepting that choice and SHUTTING THE FUCK UP or changing it and that it's NOBODY else's problem that she isnt doing the the things in her life she wants to do other than hers.

yeah, i think this relationship has run its course.  i have waxed and waned with her and now i completely understand why i stay away from her for long periods of time.  it always starts out good, but i get SO tired of her endless envy and pity parties and insecurities that i just have to stay away.

being around her actually makes me madder and i really hate being angry.

electronica

my yoga studio always plays electronica music, which seems odd.  up till this point i've always thought that yoga places would play things like enya, muzak, that kind of stuff.  the stuff that puts you to sleep.  maybe it's the hot yoga and the power needed, so she wants to jazz it up a little.  either way, i'm impressed.

there's always a song playing each time i'm in there and i've grown very fond of it.  thanks to the mechanics of google i'm able to listen to lyrics and put them in to find out where they're from.

it turns out that the song i like is by bush called "letting the cables sleep".  i've been looking for it on itunes and only found bush's version, but really like the nightmares on wax remix.  can i find that on itunes?  hell NAW.

here's the brief link to the n.o.w. remix:  http://www.recordstore.it/Details~ProductID~27207.htm

and the song itself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqw8_EyXEOA

snoresville

today i got up and got myself in gear.  decided to blog a bit.  checked the weather and can see that the weather network's flashing a red lightningbolt on my desktop.  shitty weather ahead.  oh the joy.

i decided to take the dogs for a jeep ride since their life is dullsville at the moment.  i took back the bottles that the little thieves tried to take saturday and racked up $29 and change which hit the jeep's ashtray as my coffee fund (altho i really doubt it will stay there permanently).  from there i decided to hit up golden acre and browse.  dogs left in jeep. 

they have some great shit there.  tons of wonderful patio sets and accessories, garden chachkis, figurines, seeds, bird feeders, and of course plants.  i bought some dog seed for the patches on the grass and picked up a bag of corn-based weed n feed, the new eco alternative to traditional weed n feed.  i looked at the price (44.99) and put it back.  payday for sure.  from there i wandered into the greenhouse and looked around.  picked up a couple of plants and browsed through the trees.

we really need trees in our yard.  the ones we have are pretty pathetic.  we had bought a drop leaf linden from golden acre about 4 yrs ago and we were told it was hardy and would take the prairie wind on our north lawn.  wrongggggg!  the thing is curved over and listing from the wind and is slow to blossom.  we are both very disappointed with it.  ch wants to yank it out of the front in favour of a taller more mature tree, but i am against killing anything.  and the root system has definitely spread out throughout the patch i've cut for it, so removing it without injuring it will be difficult.  if we could move it to the back successfully that would be great...anywhere but in the constant barrage of gusty winds and inclement weather.

what i really really want is a thunderchild crabapple tree.  they are everywhere in the hat and they're gorgeous: 

so pretty, so pink and so colorful.  the blooms dont last, but that's to be expected.  i just think it would be an awesome shot of color in the yard.

we have two trees in the back: an elm tree which seems to be doing ok and a lodi apple tree.  we were told that the elm tree would be fast growing and i think it is, however, it's turned on a wierd angle so that the thickness of the tree branches goes from south to north, rather than east to west, so from the house it looks thin and delapitated.  if we would have just turned it (we being ME because i'm the one who dug the fucking hole and planted it solo), then it would look more full.  however, it's too late now, so i am content knowing it's coming to life and budding out and tiny leaves have appeared.

the lodi apple has really been the show stopper.  i found it at home depot for 29.99 in the "please, buy us, we're rejects" section.  i really didnt think it would amount to much, but bought it thinking that another tree in the yard would never hurt.  i planted it 2 years ago and the first year, like any other bush, it did nothing.  last year?  well, holy shit...we got APPLES!  it blossomed in the spring and produced dozens of small apples.  as nature is want to do, strong winds came along and blew the majority of them off there, but the ones that remained (approx 11) grew to the size of tennis balls and were roughly the same shape and color.  i should have picked them in july when they're the best, but i left them till august/early sept...they were kind of sour, some were rotten, but those i salvaged made a great apple pie.  i was SO proud.  there is something so absolutely rewarding about being ABLE to grow your own food AND eat it (without dying) that is very addictive.

i still would like to put in several trees on the lot.  for sure the thunderchild.  i know it will look good on our property and will be hardy because they're everywhere in the hat.  ideally, i'd love at least another 10 trees of different sizes and shapes.  someone complains viciously if i start cutting up lawn,  declaring that he'd really like to see grass...but the thing is that i'm the one taking care of said grass and in reality, the sun is absolutely killing it.  we may as well put down more trees and have a yard worth sitting in, rather than a vast expanse of grass and no shade, making it unenjoyable.

i think i'm going to go back to golden acres and buy 2 trees and arrange for delivery.  i'd like to get them sooner rather than later while they have abundant stock.  if i wait, they'll be gone. 

fitness f*cks

this goes part in parcel with the previous entry.

i've been going to yoga and to the gym for a few weeks now.  i'm going at times that really arent the most convenient for me, but i'm doing them because i was asked by davina and sandra to do them.

davina has missed 90% of the class she said that we should take together.  not that i need her there by any stretch, but if you suggest that we should take classes together, then dont you think you should show up for them?

same deal with yoga.  i'm doing the hot yoga at 7pm two nights a week.  is it really that convenient for me?  not really, especially as summer inches closer and there'll be golf and activities, but i'm doing it nonetheless.  but sandra has wanted me to attend this yoga class, yet she misses most of them.  then WHY ASK ME?  and ya know, if i were to quit and go to morning classes, she'd start in with the endless bullshit guilt trip texts about why i'm not showing up anymore.

i'm just tired of doing things for other people and bending to suit them out of kindness.  i think that once my ten weeks of yoga are up, and we switch to the punch card system, i'm going to start going to 9:30am power yoga classes instead of hot yoga.  i know that i'll get endless guilt trips and texts from sandra about it, but she can stuff it.  i would really like to tell her that i've been going for months on end to a class she insisted we take together and she's been the one missing most of it and that from now on i'm going to go to classes that fit MY schedule, not hers.

fuck i hate people.

pissy

i've been so terribly cranky over the last week or more.  it's driving me nuts.  i cant put my finger on it but i've been so moody and i just want it to stop.

last week rb asked me to help buy decorations for last saturday's party.  she wanted to go wednesday but then wed came and she texted me and said she was too tired, that we'd go friday.  friday came and when i said "are we on or what" via text, she texted back and said she already had all the decorations bought wed.  then she mentioned that she'd really like help decorating saturday.  i said that i would.

we were supposed to go decorate at one.  i was already kind of pissy about it because it wasnt my party being hosted.  i wasnt the organizer or the person in charge of the guest list or the food, but i was being asked to help decorate.  i was a little resentful of that, to tell you the truth.  yes, terri and i are friends, but up till that point, my help wasnt asked, so i was a little pissed.  so one o'clock came and went and she texted me to say that it would be 2 before we started.  at the time i had company, so i was hoping to just get it over and done with so that we could do whatever we wanted.  frankly, rb knew that i was having company, so why she didnt just say "oh dont worry about it then, you and your cousin visit" is beyond me.  i was miffed at that.  so then 2 oclock came and left and she said it would have to be later, but she'd text me.  well, she never texted me to get together.  not that i sat by my phone, but again: she knew i had company and was basically waiting around for her text, so why wouldnt she say something?  and when i saw her later that night there were no apologies for holding me up or putting me off three or four different times.

i'm mad at her and i know that i should let it go, but i think it was incredibly rude to leave me hanging.  i really have no desire to hang out with rb for a while until i cool off. 

then davina went to ottawa.  she's in charge of some golf tournament and is collecting tickets, only she's not here so she put the responsibility on me to collect.  well, for fuck's sake, i'm not a fucking kinette, nor is it my problem to collect tickets from any of the guys who are selling them.  and she basically dropped the bomb in an email, telling me that i'll be collecting the tickets while she's gone.  she saw me saturday night and could have asked me, but emailed me late on sunday to say that she's decided this.  well, great.  fuck.  in the meantime nobody's come forward with the tickets and i could care less if i get any of them back.  it's SO not my problem.

then sandra's been driving me nuts with her stupid no point texts and guilt trips about me being moody.  i dont need to be interrogated at yoga about my moods or my activities.  the other night she was going on about some chick we mutually know and how good she looked and said that i'd likely get the pics because i was still going to janine's gym.  well, i know i've told her a MILLION times that i'm not going there and havent since i returned from maui, but from the way she was talking to me monday, you'd think i never said anything.  she knows damned well i'm doing stacey's classes and havent returned to janine's.  in fact, she mentioned to me a few weeks ago that janine was asking her if she's seen me lately.  sometimes i just get so tired of sandra and her stupidity, the guilt trips, and the fishing for attention texts.

i'm already in another snit thinking of how i'm going to have to see her tonight and be subjected to a cross examination that i'm almost contemplating skipping yoga altogether.

fucking people just piss me right off.

say what? what did you say? huh?

anyone who knows me knows that i hate repeating myself.  i find it incredibly tedious to have to repeat things i've said. 

last night at the gym, stacey told everyone what we were doing today and that we wouldnt need to set up for tonight's class, that it would be all done for us.  about 2 minutes later, the oldest bird in the class pipes up, "what are we doing tomorrow?" and when that was answered asked, "what do we need to set up?"

i dont know how stacey puts up with that because it fucking irked me when she asked those questions.  i wanted to say, "were you even HERE when she JUST told us?"  it's  not the first time the oldest bird has done that either.  it's a daily occurance.  it's like she completely checks out when stacey talks and then waits two minutes to ask her to repeat herself. 

stacey stayed calm, but i would have snapped at her and said, "i just told you...were you not listening?"  i think fitness instructing must come with a huge trait of patience, of which i have none, in order to do it successfully.  one stupid question and i'd be out of there.

days 2/3

yesterday was a productive day.  got up.  rb had texted me so we talked for a bit.  it sounded like they were having fun, but in typical ch fashion he wasnt eating, which was driving rb nuts.  for some reason, ch can go for hours without eating.  i do think it has something to do with the disease because it makes no sense to me to drink for hours on end all night long and not wake up ready to eat the asshole out of a skunk.  i dont know how he does it.

i talked to rb for a bit and then made muffins.  cleaned closets, which was a huge thorn in my side for a while.  i finally cleared out the spare room closet, save the crap on the top shelves, and feel much better about it.  i even cleaned out the stuff on the floor so now we can actually put stuff in there if the need arises, altho i'm really liking it clean and empty.

last night i figured would be the only night i'd have to do something so i painted the splotches on the ceiling...only 6 months after i bloody well bought ceiling paint!  now that it's done, it looks SO much better and i cant believe i put something off that only took 1/2 hr to do in total for the 2 bathrooms, office, bedroom, kitchen, and livingroom.  i got quite the lecture from the fil when i painted and hit the ceiling and he took it upon himself to "lend" me painting tools and give me a huge lecture on how to paint.  jee, thanks for that.  i really needed a lecture when everything's already done.  he was telling me, supposedly, for if or when i ever painted in the future, reassuring me that i could always call him and he'd help.  yeah, if i want it done NOW i'll do it myself, but if i want the project finished in 2 days, i'll call him. 

(here's a hint:  i will NEVER ask for his help)

today i'm doing not much of anything.  i'm feeling really sluggish but it's because i took neo citran before bed.  i've been taking it the last couple of nights for my freaking cold, but all it's doing is making me pass out and be lethargic with a hangover the next day.  yesterday i was so unmotivated, i contemplated skipping the gym and had no energy when i did go.  i'm glad i went, but today's another day where i'm feeling little to no ambition.

today i think i'm going to clean the basement stairs and package things up, as well as perhaps look at gardening stores if i am feeling ambitious.  of course the weather isnt cooperating, so it's pointless to buy plants, but i can at least get ideas.

day one

i slept with the cat all night.  fucking cat started coming up to me near 0600 meowing and purring at me.  i think she decides she's hungry.  if i choose to roll onto the other side to get away from her, she will come over to my face again.  i'm really not sure what her aim is or what she wants.  i dont think it's attention.  i think it's food.  it's really obnoxious.  i might have to either feed her tonight before i go to bed or kick her out of the room when she starts that shit and then put up with her scratching on the door for 10 minutes.

so i got up and opened the drapes and made the bed.  so great.  i went downstairs and after taking care of the needy animals, i made soup.  made myself a smoothie.  turned on cbc to hear what was going on.  it was great to just do things without worrying somehow that i might be waking someone.

i've been emailing all morning but acknowledge that i should do something before my 1630 class.  i'll probably get my ass off here and shower and vacuum and wander through the yard.  maybe collect the paperwork from the shop and try to get the deposits out of the safe.  ("try" being the operative word)  maybe do some paperwork and get the shredder going too.

whatever.  the day is mine.  i feel pretty damned good.  no loneliness yet.

ha ha ha

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9nqn9_robot-chicken-snail-speeding_fun

religiousity

i'm not sure why, but religious folks make me uneasy. 

maybe it's because i was raised to be wary of brainwashing or whether it is because i'm a nonbeliever and feel uncomfortable for challenging something so many folks believe in blindly.

there will always be doubts because i'm wishy washy.  what if they're all right?  what now?  what if i'm right?  what does it all mean?

i do have difficulty believing in something everyone has taken as gospel truths.  part of being an english major was to question what was written, to understand that it's all perspective.  knowing that 3 people could see something happen and have three entirely different ways of explaining what happened and knowing that you could see veins of truth in it but not the complete truth, has always made me question the bible.  the other sticking point is that things were written by hand.  you cant tell me it was all copied word for word without creative editing.  walking on water?  well, maybe that detail made for a good story, rather than saying that jesus' robe got muddy, they figured that they'd embellish a little and nobody'd be the wiser?  who knows, it could have happened.

i guess i'm saying that unless god wrote it himself without human intervention, it becomes very difficult to believe.  yeah, great fables and life lessons, much the same way you'd regard greek or roman tales, but you'd not put a hell of a lot of stock in it.

i have a couple of friends who went to a women's empowerment seminar yesterday.  it ran from 10-4 and had lunches provided.  $20 for the day.  davina had invited me and told me that she was going with another friend.  it sounded interesting until she told me where it was being held (at a church) and i googled it.  it talked about this woman preaching over satellite for a day of prayer.  immediately when i read that i was turned off.  if i was a believer it would have been fine, but to aimlessly pray to something i dont believe in would be insincere and a waste of my time, so i politely declined.

she ended up running into krista there who is now a born again.  there's something about her recent conversion that i find very discomforting.  she used to be a real party animal and wilder than me.  something twigged in her and she converted.  i found that obnoxious for some reason, and seeing as i was raised how i was raised, i became scared of her.  even now when i see her i get anxiety.  there's a part of me that does not believe her faith and i feel as if she's faking it or is phony or this phase will end.  and there is that part of me that is very disturbed because i'm acting the way others have acted when there are significant changes in someone's life.  people distance themselves and feel awkward about it. 

i just find it hard to have a legit friendship with her, moreso now that she's converted.  i will converse with her, but the warmth and sincerity isnt forthcoming.  i'm not happy to see her when i do...i'm nervous and i want to get away from her.  i really can not explain it.  i also now think her kindness is fake, that this conversion is all phony.

i realise this problem is mine, however i have no immediate need to rectify it.  for now i'll just keep things status quo...distance.

alone. now what?

ahh, the realisation that i'm alone is sinking in.

when i got home from my parties, it was to an empty house.  oh the dogs and cat were super excited to see me, but it was then when i realised that nobody else was here or would return later.

i watched aimless tv, but right now it's off.  ordinarily it would be on to some inane channel.  or ch would be on the computer up here playing games.  it's nice to know that i can go to bed when i please without wondering if ch will be sober enough to crawl up to bed or bloody well turn off all the lights when he passes out on the sofa.

it's nice to know that i can sit here and fart openly if i desire.  to practice my bollywood dance routine that i should have memorized by thursday's class because it's only going to get more complicated from here.  to know that i can take a bath with the door open and can go to bed after chugging a neo citran and not worrying about someone barging in saying, "are you really going to bed now"?

i dont know why i need my alone time so much, but i do.  i get it all day long monday to friday and some saturdays too, but knowing that i'm alone here for more than 24hrs is just such a treat to me.  incidentally, according to LAS arrival info, the flight has arrived.  i need not worry for the next three days.

i like the idea of being free to do as i wish without guilt.  not that there is guilt the rest of the time, but it's nice to know i can eat early or late or eat meatless.  i dont have to think about dinner for someone else.  i dont even have to do their laundry, clean up their socks.  i can open the blind as soon as i get up.  hell, i can vacuum without having to wait till he's left the house.  it's nice to know that i really dont have to spend any money in order to keep the house running all week long.  i'm certain i will find plenty to keep me occupied: cleaning, organizing, sorting...hell even touching up my paint jobs or painting the ceiling (which i've had the paint bought for the last 9 months, for fuckssake).  you know...uninterrupted time to think, be and do. 

it reminds me of my halcion youth of being single.  of course back then i was living in a basement apartment in sunnyside.  i didnt like being single and alone.  i paced.  now that i look back on it, i really think i squandered my time there.  i obsessed over what i didnt have, rather than focussing on what i had. i had my space to grow, i had a relatively good job that paid the bills, and i was living in a part of the city i loved.  i look back on that and just think that i really didnt see the forest for the trees.  if i could redo that part of my life, i most certainly would in a heartbeat.

i could be singing an entirely different tune in three days' time.  perhaps. 

it's funny because a lot of people seem really uncomfortable with knowing that i elected to stay home from vegas and let ch go.  i dont know why that is, but it is.  it's like people cant possibly understand or wrap their heads around the fact that people need distance from one another from time to time in order to make things work.  there was a time about 2 weeks ago where the wind blew and blew where i thought that i couldnt bear another minute here in this house with things falling apart and fighting endless calamities.  knowing there was an escape from ch, even tho he's not pressuring me, helped me feel some kind of irrational relief.

so right now i feel relieved.  serene even.  it's MY house now.  i'm certain that i will be happy to see him thursday.  i'm hoping to have great sex when he returns.  of course i know better than to set myself up.  i'll be prepared for disappointment.

i'm a big girl.  i can handle everything life throws me, i really can.  so i'm going to run my bath, sing, dance, and be ever so grateful for the life i'm living RIGHT THIS SECOND.

kiddie party

just recapping it here.

arrived late.  people were in various stages of eating.  nobody really cared that i was late, which was a blessing.  i talked to clay's sister, ate some popcorn.  when i first got there, i felt really nervous and out of sorts.  it's always hard to walk into a crowded room, regardless of whether you know everyone or you dont.  i think what i'm really afraid of is being asked a question and having the whole room stop to wait for the answer.  i hate that.  it happens all the time with the inlaws.  i feel as if' i'm this science experiment, a petri dish that they've had in the corner for a while but have forgotten until someone moves one of the chachkis and realises it's there and says, "hey, look guys!  look what i've found!  remember  this?"  that's how i feel in the presence of the inlaws.

taco in a bag was served, along with pretzels and popcorn.  i helped myself to some popcorn and munched on a home made pretzel.  delicious.  spent time asking clay's sister about the triplets.  we dont really know each other per se, but we have those minute degrees of separation.  mutual friends and acquaintances.  i do make an effort to talk to her at parties because i think she is a nice person.   we come from different worlds but nonetheless, i kind of like talking to her.

someone made room for me beside doug's fiance liz and her and i ended up chatting for hours about everything.   i really enjoyed her.  that's not to say that i might not find her annoying in other situations, but for today, i found she was very easy to have a conversation with.  i could ask the questions and get the answers.  i had fun talking to her.  then i talked to michelle and jacques, and later, lisa and rob.  oh and i did see nicole first off and talked to her.  it was hard not to cry when i saw her just because of what she's gone through in the last month with being pregnant and having an emergency appendectomy.  it was scary and i was worried about her.  plus, it's her first baby and she had been waiting till easter to tell us and because situations changed, had to have someone else break the good news.

i wasnt the last to leave.  the grandparents were all left.  i thought it was for the best for me to leave before them.  things got a little yelly when clay was throwing his daughter and niece around, but it was all good.  all in good fun.  it might have been slightly more tolerable if i had more than 4 hrs of sleep.

anyway, it was a good time.  my kind of party, really.  lots of laughs, friends, and people sharing a special little girl's birthday.  to be included was very special to me.  to be thought of as a person they'd like to share their daughter's bday with was an honor. 

sounds crazy but it's true.  it's worth that energy.

busy

what a weekend.  2 parties in 2 days.  one was for a 40yr old, the other for a 2yr old.  such a contrast.

saturday night's party was all about noise...drinks, music, yelling.

today's party was all about food, noise, yelling, presents.

both were pretty good times, altho i have to admit that the kiddie party was better.  somehow there werent forced expectations to talk to everyone.  i was able to find my one person and converse without interruption or anyone goading me into drinking more than necessary.  nobody was wanting me to do shooters, talk to them about nothing, or fucking well grilling me on my cousin and her intentions with that man.

yeah.  i'm not one for kids, but i have to say that i felt leagues above the comfort zone today than i did last night.  i'm not sure what it is about the kin krowd sometimes but there are unrealistic expectations and desires that seem like too much energy to even attain.  too much effort to notice everyone, to be nice, the expectations to talk to every.single.fucker., the expectation that you will be the most loaded, the biggest jackhole.  the judgemental eyes on you when you choose to spend time talking to your cousin rather than chasing the dragon doing shooters and being an idiot. 

i'd say there were a lot of side eyes thrown in my direction.  some from friends, others from strangers.  lots of trying to figure out what was going on and instead of asking, just assuming.  i think that was my cousin's perspective.

yeah, that kin group has always required a lot of energy.  that's not to say that kim and michelle dont, but it's a different kind of energy.  i'm not entirely sure, but maybe it's that i respect them a lot more, so the energy put out is one that is trying to reach out and be accepted, whereas the kin energy is one of more indifference knowing that i'm being judged regardless of what i do.  i think in the last years or so i've really switched gears to complete indifference.  i'd have made idle chatter with people "just because".  nowadays i'm not really doing that.  i'm making conversation with people i want to see and really just stepping around people who think i should be kowtowing to them.  i think that's how i've mastered energy transferrence.  maybe more energy into indifference and answering questions with simple responses, no explanations, and definitely no volunteering of anything more than necessary.

in today's group, i'd volunteer a lot more.  i will tell them what i'm doing, explain it.  why?  because they genuinely want to know.  it's sincere.  it's not really a question asked out of robotic politeness or social expectations; it is because they do care.  there's attention paid to stuff going on and appropriate questions asked.  a big difference.

nobody goading me to drink more.  maybe making sure i'm full of yummy good food and making me comfortable.  i'm not squirming, i'm taking my place with my back to the window and enjoying the sun and facing them, rather than wanting to turn my back to the room and people.

it's funny how time and age change things and alter your priorities.

today's run

today's run was a bitch.

it worked out to be 6.44km which is less than what i usually do on weekends, but today for some reason was very difficult.  what made it difficult was the concrete running i think, as well as the gusty west/northwest wind.  i chose to run east first to avoid the wind, but likely put myself into it more in the last half.

the first 3km or so were pretty good.  my back was to the wind.  hands were cold, but manageable.  in the middle of the run, there were 2 significant inclines which brought me misery, both of which were headwinds.  not pleasant whatsoever.

the last stretch was flat and relatively wind free.  at one point the sun came out and i was actually hot.

the distance wasnt so bad...it was the hills and the wind. 

not feeling too bad though...a little tired, but otherwise happy i hauled my ass out of bed!

attack CAT!

i was in the yard yesterday weeding the gardens.  i spent about 2hrs out there but i think i need at least another hour to finish the entire yard.  so far, so good.  we just need to turn on the sprinklers and give the grass a good soaking.  maybe i'll do that may 1st.

so i was in the dog run picking weeds when i heard a scratching.  all of a sudden, a grey, white, and orange cat comes scrambling over the fence into the yard and makes a beeline for the dogs.  of course the dogs dont like the intrusion and come running over and meanwhile this damned cat is hissing, spitting, and swatting at the dogs.  there's mass chaos, barking, yelling, yowling going on.  sounded like a battle zone, i'm sure.

it takes me nearly 10 minutes to get the dogs in the house, but in the meantime the cat has decided the stairs to the house are hers and she's holding down the fort quite well.  swatting, carrying on, and lunging at the dogs.  the dogs get claws to the face a couple of times.  finally i manage to yell enough to get them NOT to attack the damned thing and get czar into the house.  hudson gets chased around the deck and swatted at and eventually is cowering in a corner as the cat stands there.  i have to intervene and get between them which is not the best option, ever.  eventually i get poor hud into the house and deal with this cat who is panting like it just ran a marathon.

i give it some water.  i look at it.  no injuries but it has either recently given birth or is going to any day.  and it's about 1yr old or less.  very small, like 1/2 the size of tasha.  much too young to be outside, muchless having kittens.  and when i look, i can see that it had a collar on it at one point.  the hair is down where the collar would be.  someone's cat they've abandoned.

very sad, in my opinion.  i decide to move the cat into the front and onto the front deck and feed it.  probably not a smart idea, but i'm sure it is hungry and needs to feed its kittens.  i go and let the dogs out and go back to the cat.  by this time the cat has figured out that the dogs are out again, and it makes a beeline for the back yard to attack the dogs.  by the time i get to the back, it has czar in a battle and has scratched her numerous times.  i finally get the animals separated and toss the cat over the fence.  (not literally...just "encouraged" it to get the f away)

the thing is that it's a nice cat.  very pretty, young, and likes people.  i felt sorry for it.  no, it's not right that it came into our yard to attack the dogs (stupid cat) but it's too young to be released into the world to fend for itself.

it just makes me hate people.  someone got this cat as a kitten, played with it and then when it got of age, they tossed it outside.  why people do this is beyond me.  what i'd like to do is find the owner, tie their hands down and pull each fingernail out individually until they agree they'll never get another pet, or i'll finish with their toenails.  oh and i wont stop with one nail...i'll pull a few for extra insurance.

psychotic?  yes.  but animal abuse and neglect makes me homicidal.  human beings are a plague upon the earth.  i firmly believe it.

active wear

makers of yoga and active wear found at aura activewear in the hat....

(incidentally aura will be renamed 'one tooth' soon)

http://www.onetoothyoga.com/

i'm also interested in checking out lole:  http://lolewomen.com/en/index.html

shut the F up

in my time here in the hat i've met many teachers.  up till now the only ones i knew were my aunt and my mil and sil.

my mil and sil always had to talk about being teachurrrrrrrs every time you'd see them.  my mil was particularly bad for always stopping dinner conversations to talk about the problem children in her class.  my sil had to announce at my wedding while she was playing the emcee that she was a teachurrrrrrr.  relevance?  none.

those two have always been obnoxious about what they do for a living and bragging incessantly about their holidays.  well, what good are all the days off you have if you have nobody to share them with?  really.  if all your friends work during your summers and you're not up to travelling alone, then what the fuck do you do with yourself?  sure, it's nice to have time off, but to sit and do jack shit all summer long would be a waste of a summer.  my sil is busy with the appearance of busyness and will go between here and yyc and the laaaaaaaaaaaaaake about a dozen times.  she's not with anyone, but just doing her thing.  to me she's trying to look as if she's really busy when in reality she's killing time.  i kinda think that her entire life is filled with that mask, as if she has to appear one way, but in reality is the opposite.  i get the impression that she excels at looking busy at work, but in reality is mostly delegating and sitting on her ass.  oh she will tell you how hard she works, but i'm sure she works twice as hard trying to appear busier than she actually is.

up till those two twats, i havent met too many teachers, until i started working out at heartbreakers.  it seemed that 90% of the clientele were teachers.  oh and they love to tell you allll about how they are teachurrrs when you talk to them, too.  i had made idle chit chat with one girl i ended up running beside and asked her if she was going to go camping.  instead of saying what any normal person would say, she said "well, i get all the summers off because i'm a teachurrrrrrrr".  it was completely irrelevant to my question.  the other day i was at the gym and some newbie nerd came up to me and started talking.  i could tell she wasnt "quite right" upstairs...i have this tendancy to attract those morons, i guess.  anyway, she was asking me about working out etc and then said "i dont know what you do for a living, but i'm a teachuuuuuur".  it came totally out of the blue and it was an unprovoked statement.

i dont know where these fucks get off talking as if they're all so important.  i swear they all  must take some course like arrogance 101 where they have to pass it in order to be a teacher.  i know many people from many walks of life and let me tell you, they arent walking around saying "well, i'm a lawyuuuuur" or talking about their clients the way teachers do.

every time i see the sil she is always talking about her stooodennnts.  always talking endlessly to an audience of none about the bad kids in her skool as if we all care.  i have been out with her many times at a table of four where she is the only one talking and the other three (me included) are sitting there throwing in the occasional "huh...is that right" comments but otherwise ignoring her as she blabs on about the kiiiiiiiiids.  seriously, it's all she talks about.  i once went to edmonton with her for some teacher seminar and went to dinner with her and four other teachers and it was ALL they would talk about: stoooodentssss.  nothing else.  i suppose that when we are with work colleagues we talk shop, but i have also noticed that shop talk extends beyond work colleagues and becomes topics of everyday conversation.

most of them yammer on as if you are a rapt audience.  i really could care less about the lil fuckers who misbehave.  frankly, i see a teaching degree as an expensive glorified babysitting course.  you're not allowed to hit them, are responsible to make sure chores get done, and in the end, are getting older as the kids get younger.  i see it as a depressing job.  teaching the same subject year after year and getting the same questions, while the age gap grows has to be depressing.  really.

but i think what bothers me most is how they always throw shit in your face.  yeah, you get lots of time off, but the job conditions SUCK.  who wants to be around bad people and kids all day long?  not me.  who wants to be planning lessons after hours while everyone else is watching tv, going to the gym, or living their lives?  (of course we know that p.e. teachuuuuuurs such as the sil dont have as extensive lesson plans as say english or math teachuuuurs)  i know they get two months off in the summer, but the trade off really isnt worth it. 

in my line of work, i have PLENTY of time off.  do ya see me bragging about it?  no.  i dont think that my work defines me.  i realise and am thankful for what i have, but i dont need to ram it down anyone's throat to feel superior.  i have overheard my sil say that i'm "just a book keeper", which makes me want to slap the smug off her face, but really, it's how i play it up.  i dont need fireworks and a parade to announce that i do the books for a company i partially own, nor do i need to tell you all about how much time i have to do what i please without a boss or kids interfering or panting down the back of my neck.

i think there is a big difference between what i do and what the sil does.  i am very grateful for what i have and i really thank the good gods that i'm fortunate enough to be where i am.  any time i hear the sil talking about work, she is so negative and dismissive of it.  it is really difficult to listen to.  i mean, then why go get your masters if you're so miserable?  oh i know, to have power to lord it over everyone.  she's already yammering about "when i'mmmmmmmm principuuuuuuullll"...oh god, i can hardly imagine her school and her poor colleagues, much less her fucking out of control ego.  when she is being negative, i really want to point it out and ask her directly, "Why DID you become a teacher then?"  seeing as she is a classic narcissist, she will either put me down for my profession for challenging her, or will have nothing to say because narcissists never reveal their inner dreams or desires....

regardless, i have yet to meet a teacher that doesnt want you to be impressed with their career choice...i just dont get it.

shop, shop, shop

i've been in need of an exercise bra for a while now.  i have a few, but they are getting stanky and gross.

i decided to check out aura activewear here in yxh.  they have good quality work out pants, tops, bras, and jackets, for 1/2 the price of lululemon.  i've purchased capris and been very happy with them, so decided to go and see what was new.

i bought two bras which would not give support to anyone past an A cup, but they fit me just fine.  reasonably priced at $25.  i can stomach that.    http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-5-Short__Bra.html

then i bought some mid length shorts which are going to be awesome for running...no thigh rubbage but still cool enough for hotter temps.  http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-41-Zipper_pocket_Long_Shorts.html  i also purchased another pair:  http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-40-Two_Pocket_Long_Shorts.html
i think i'm going to make it a goal to go back there a couple times a month to get new bras so i can totally get rid of the ones i have.  the owner also will order in longer length tops for people like me with longer torsos!  there's nothing worse than having to constantly haul your top down during a workout.  it's too distracting.

anyway, i'm excited to give that stuff a try...i think the next visit there i'm going to get some hot yoga tops.  these look interesting: 

http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-11-Belly_Band.html
http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-15-New_4_Strings.html
http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-18-Cross_Front_Back.html
http://www.onetoothyoga.com/i-16-4_Strings.html

yeah!

secretary's day

not that it matters, but today is secretary's day.

why do i know this?  well, because ch took note of it.  he's taking the secretary of the kinsmen club out for lunch and then they're getting wasted for the rest of the day.

i dont know why i'm irritated by this, but i am.  there's something very pathetic and annoying about it that i cant put my finger on.

so he's going to spend the whole day sitting in a pub with two guys drinking beer till god only knows when.  i expect that he will arrive home sometime after 10 stumbling and stupid.  he'll leave the jeep at rossco's and i'll end up going up there to get it.  again.  i suppose it is an excuse to run, but still.

it all just seems so irritating and juvenile.

strange dreams

before waking, i was in the middle of a dream.

i was with dawn rhodes, my elementary school best friend.  we were driving around a mix between lethbridge and calgary looking for her friend.  we were driving around in my dad's 1969 chevy impala.

i dont have a lot of memories of that car, other than it being dark blue and 2 doors.  he loved that thing.  he nicknamed it "the bearcat" for god only knows what reason.  there are pictures of me in front of it from my childhood.  i think he parked it on our property in herronton for many years until we were supposed to move to mazeppa and he didnt want to tow it there and then sold it.  i'm sure it was rebuilt and some farmer's kid drove that thing around guzzling gas and belching exhaust all over southern alberta.

come to think of it, we always seemed to have one vehicle or the other parked on our property.  tacky.  once dad got the topaz, we parked the satellite sebring on our lawn in barons.  funny how these things are forgotten and remembered in dreams.

i have always hated old cars.  yes, they are nice to look at occasionally, but sitting in them totally skeeves me out.  my skin crawls.  i remember sitting in my grandma's t-bird and grandpa's grey pontiac and being skeeved out completely by the torn seats.  even that smell, the old sunbaked smell of cloth and car interior makes me gag a bit.  i dont know what it is that i'm afraid of per se, but you wont catch me sitting in an old auto. 

no, i'm not a snob that insists on something from this decade only.  i just get grossed out thinking about cars which have been parked for years on a lot that someone finally thinks are ok to salvage and do things with.  i think it's the initial find, the potential of mice, the dust, the history that makes me feel queasy.

i know fears are irrational and mine definitely is.

vegas bound, me time

ch and rb booked their trip to vegas.

i'm not going.

i'm ok with that.  really.

i was quite surprised that ch actually went through with it, considering he's on his "i'm-not-going-if-you're-not-coming" phase lately.  i think that rb drove down to the shop and basically put a gun to ch's head and they booked it together.  rb has been chomping at the bit to go.  i'm sure they will have fun, but i'm immensely glad that i'm not #3 in the merry threesome.

i dont do threes even tho it seems it's been yammed down my throat since i've met ch and the sil.  always a tripod.

annoying.

anyway, the boys are going on sunday and return thursday.  altho my schedule wont alter and nothing will really be different, it will be AWESOME to have the house to myself to do whatever i want when i want.  i'm sure i will receive the occasional drunk text but that's minor.  the house will be quiet, i can talk to myself openly (because, yes, i do that when i'm alone and have great conversations...better than talking to some of the god damned monologgers in my life), and it's nice to be able to keep the house clean on my terms.

i'm looking forward to my ME time.

F*ck

i think i'm getting a cold.  i can feel it in my throat.  it just started this morning.
ye gods.

time to start the oil of oregano...i just have this feeling that i havent caught it in time.

enough about you, what about meeeeeee?

my friend sandra can be an ok person.  other times she is clingy and codependant and annoying and manipulative.  i have had lots of fun with her in terms of fitness and she can be quite humorous and engaging, but when she is in one of her moods, look out.  the mood being whiny, "oh woe is me", and boo hoo hoo.  i cant stand those moods.

on friday we went for a nice walk and then ended up talking at the end of it as we were getting into our vehicles.  she started going on and on asking me whether i thought it was odd that she was done dating.  in a way, i couldnt care less.  her personal life is just that: hers.  it doesnt affect me in the least.  what i DO get tired of is her moaning and groaning over guys who are not remotely interested in her, who belittle her, and worse yet, that she takes it and goes back for more.  yeah, i really dont get the beaten woman syndrome and i know that i sound like a complete jackhole, but i think you are a complete moron to return to someone who continually slaps you around.  as such, i have zero tolerance to hear about it and even less patience in terms of hearing "oh woe is me, why did i sleep with him again"?

she has now decided that after 4yrs of being slapped around, she's done with her ex.  i dont think they've slept together in a year or so, which is good.  she is finally (or so she says) ignoring his emails.  who knows if that is true or not.  i think she isnt because of the mood swing she was in and the funk going on friday night.

she started asking my opinion of her stance on being single for the rest of her life.  i told her that it's her business but it's a ridiculous waste to stop dating because of one person.  then i told her about a single guy but she was in one of her moods and started grilling me about what he wore etc.  well, i really do not bother with superficial shit.  to me it's about who the person is and how kind they are, not whether they wear runners with jeans.  i made that slight error (of telling her that) and then it was all she would talk about, how she refuses to look past aesthetics. 

i cant stand that shit.  there is more to someone than looks.  judging by her last few bf's she has definitely chosen poorly.  choosing looks over personality has cost her self esteem and happiness.  in focussing on one trait, she has wrongfully overlooked the red flags that the rest of us likely would have seen from miles away.  she's always going on about how good looking her ex was.  well, i saw a picture and he did NOTHING for me.  she kept telling me how i'd be soooo charmed by him if i ever met him.  sorry, honey, not interested.  fuck.  just because you think he's the cat's ass, doesnt mean i do.  our tastes dont have to align just because we're friends.

i sat there and listened to her whine for about an hour.  she definitely was in a mood and i couldnt wait to get away from her.  when i left, i felt SO drained i wanted nothing to do with her all weekend.

she recently got a blackberry so she has been bb messaging me non stop.  it's so annoying.  i dont mind the occasional message, but i do not need daily bullshit messages and her manipulation either.  she's always angling to get me to go walking with her, which i dont mind occasionally, or travelling.  i made the damned mistake of saying "hey we should go away somewhere in the fall" and since then, she's been relentless with wanting to book a trip to hawaii.  i had written her an email moments after texting her that and basically broke it down to say that where travelling would be fun, it would be MORE fun if i had my mc paid off and that wont be right away.  i am planning on paying it off pronto and i want to enjoy a few months of a ZERO balance, rather than putting $1500 on it the moment it says zero again.  i've struggled with it for so long that i want to savour it being manageable.  i dont need to go away to hawaii...i was just there, for fuckssake.

so since that moment i've received so many texts and emails saying she wants to go away, that she's looked at prices and how cheap it is blahblahblah, and how she's just gonna book that trip.  she's a person who ass talks but never does it and then will blame me for it, despite me saying immediately after that i'm not going to be booking shit.

really i dont think she would be that bad to travel with, but i'd want my own room.  read: SPACE.  i'd need time from the blabbering and blubbering and constant yammering about her being single perpetually and other things she seems to obsess over.  she claims to have zero time for jealousy and envy but it is the cornerstone of who she is, i think.  she's always comparing herself to everyone and trying to outdo people. 

i do like her.  i do.  i just hate her funks.  i dont think she lives in any reality tho.  she has been married and divorced over 20yrs ago, and i figured that it was infidelity on her part that dissolved the marriage.  it's just what i've gathered from conversations.  she has never said it outright, but it's what i'm picking up on...what isnt said.  she is 47 and constantly complaining about how old she is.  well, you may be able to tell she is older, but you'd have to get past how pretty and attractive she is.  she is quite stunning to look at, but she goes on about being an old lady.  her record is stuck on repeat on that one and it's grating.  i sense there is a bundle of envy over youth and younger people, which just annoys me. 

then there's her alternate reality of being an adult but not really being one simultaneously.  she has a dog who spends more time at her parents' place than at hers.  she just ships the dog off there when she figures she needs a break and the dog ends up living there the majority of the year.  she goes on about missing the dog, yet keeps it at her parents' place in yql.  in addition to this alternate reality, she has never owned a car.  she just gets her parents' hand me downs, often nice well-kept hondas.  and then there is always talk of her dad paying off her mortgage.  yes, she is 47.  i'm repeating that because i wonder when it is we cut the apron strings.  i guess i'm just saying that she doesnt occupy the same head space as i do in terms of money, responsibilities and duties.  everything is just basically shrugged off.  she claims to worry about money, yet spends as if there are millions and has alluded to having plenty stashed away, as well as her inheritance.

i can see how some of those neglected responsibilities cloud one's thinking.  i know she has expressed jealousy over me being married and the time i spend with ch, and whether i'm still attracted to him or not.  it's a moot point and my business.  i refuse to feel any remorse or guilt for wanting to spend time with my husband or wanting to see the world with him first.  i will not be put through the paces of guilt because SHE has issues. 

i think i'm going to have to start saying that out loud.  calling her out on her passive aggressive comments when she is yammering away and poor me-ing.  oh yeah.  it's coming.  it's a necessity if this friendship is going to survive.

wanna smell like jen?

jennifer aniston has a new perfume coming out called lolavie.

she claims she wanted something to smell natural and sexy.

i wonder if it has undercurrents of fame whoring, desperation, and false personas?

these old bones

so i definitely do have knee problems.  dan confirmed it this morning when he was working them. 

he said it's the tendon under my knee cap.  i'm trying to google it to see what he called it but nevertheless, it's giving me grief.  he said there is a considerable amount of scar tissue on my left knee, which is interesting.  i dont recall a specific injury per se, but i did start to notice knee problems around november.

when he was working my knees, they hurt.  i'm not gonna lie.  he asked me quite a few in depth questions and said that my right knee is more muscular ( or the thigh above it is) so it was more difficult for him to tell if there was as much scar tissue on the right side.

i will be careful.  i cant afford injury.  at least they arent giving me daily difficulty.