so here I sit and it’s getting late and I swear that the fucking latte I had at starbucks at 830 was fully caffeinated because I feel jumpy, edgy, and just out of sorts. I stopped at the liquor store to get some wine after receiving a text indicating that ch and rb were on their way home and going through the snow to get home. I know that if I was there, we’d have stayed overnight, but since it’s the two of them I’m fairly convinced that neither wants to be in the company of the other after 4 days nonstop, so they’ll soldier on.
Of course I’m in panic mode wondering if the house is clean enough, even tho that detail is never regarded or deemed important in ch’s eyes, but it’s a detail I worry and stress over and wonder if he’ll get the smell of stale cat food after being absent for four days or whether he’ll smell that air freshener I just bought and deem it too overpowering the way I did when I arrived home from class tonight. Oh the shit that goes through one’s mind as they tick tock the hours down till the arrivals.
At this rate the boys likely wont be back to the hat till way past one. They were about 1hr out of Shelby an hour ago and it was slow going. 70km/hr in poor visibility, and shelby’s at least 1hr from the border, so I know it will be a tiresome night and very stressful. I had received calls and a text from rb which indicated that ch wasn’t taking his hands off the wheel so I know that he will be tired and stressed when he gets back here.
Because the wind is blowing at mach 2199, the internet is down. Admittedly, the internet is my primary source of entertainment in down times. The tv just doesn’t cut it anymore. I’m beyond pissed that a simple thing like wind has it knocked completely out and flat and I sit here stressed because I’m unable to check anything…jann arden’s website, where I’ve heard that she is auctioning off paintings so I want to see her work, to reading the last bits of gossip that enty lawyer has likely posted since I have been in class.
Speaking of that, what a shit show: tonight I just couldn’t do anything and was all thumbs and left feet. I was embarrassed. There was a point where she was getting us to individually show what we know and I was the retard who didn’t get it. So naturally the whole class is looking at me when it’s my turn and it’s all happening in slow motion as the lady does her thing before me and the instructor says “perfect” and then suddenly it’s my turn and I already have set myself up to fail before I begin and have that feeling of ultimate dread in my stomach the same way I did in 3rd year 18thC English lit where I had to present my view on a stupid book I couldn’t understand to a class of judgmental fourth year assholes. every statement I made came out sounding like a question, so I sounded even dumber than I looked in my purple jeans and striped top.
I try to do my thing and then have to stop and say “but I’m NOT a dancer, this doesn’t come naturally to me” feeling as if I have to apologize to the entire class, and then she has to stop and break it down for me and I STILL don’t / wont get it and then finally she sees my frustration and has the rest of the class doing it alongside me. I was so embarrassed I wasn’t sure whether I should cry or walk out and never return. I get the first parts of the song; it’s just the new stuff with complicated steps that I’m having immense difficulty over. Then add to it that michelle is there and SHE gets it and it’s her first class, and I feel even worse. The instructor rashida is telling us to look sexy, well….i kind of feel as if I’m some kind of robot doing some pseudo sexy dance and making a complete fool out of myself. I’m like a kid who has stolen down to the basement of her grandma’s house and is under the stairs with the light on looking at the fancy dresses and surreptitiously trying them on and waddling around in her high heels and wigs trying to look sophisticated. I look in the mirrors that are placed in the studio and wonder wtf I’m doing in this class and feel as if I’m the ugly duckling trying to fit in beside the swans. I can do other things: run like crazy, lift weights, do yoga, but somehow doing simple dance moves has me completely stymied and confused, and embarrassed. I protest my ignorance and rashida is trying her best to keep me afloat while the other classmates cluck their approval and “no, you’re getting it; it’s ok”s. embarrassing.
There is one thing about me that frustrates me is that I get very impatient if I don’t get something first off. My yoga instructor always says that about new sequences, that we are hesitant to do them and hate doing it but once we get used to it, we like it. And it is true: once I figure out how to do a pose, I’m happy to do it and hold it. She always says “we love doing what we can do the best” and it’s true. Same applies to bollywood dancing. Oh I get the first part of the song and understand what I should be doing and the moves and I know the first few minutes, but when it actually comes down to flowing and making it work, I stumble and fail. The rest of them seem to be getting it but as soon as I do a misstep, I stop and get mad. We’re supposed to paste smiles on our faces and all I can do is get angry with myself. Smiling at that point seems pointless, fake, and ridiculous.
so here I sit and it’s getting late and I swear that the fucking latte I had at starbucks at 830 was fully caffeinated because I feel jumpy, edgy, and just out of sorts. I stopped at the liquor store to get some wine after receiving a text indicating that ch and rb were on their way home and going through the snow to get home. I know that if I was there, we’d have stayed overnight, but since it’s the two of them I’m fairly convinced that neither wants to be in the company of the other after 4 days nonstop, so they’ll soldier on.
Of course I’m in panic mode wondering if the house is clean enough, even tho that detail is never regarded or deemed important in ch’s eyes, but it’s a detail I worry and stress over and wonder if he’ll get the smell of stale cat food after being absent for four days or whether he’ll smell that air freshener I just bought and deem it too overpowering the way I did when I arrived home from class tonight. Oh the shit that goes through one’s mind as they tick tock the hours down till the arrivals.
At this rate the boys likely wont be back to the hat till way past one. They were about 1hr out of Shelby an hour ago and it was slow going. 70km/hr in poor visibility, and shelby’s at least 1hr from the border, so I know it will be a tiresome night and very stressful. I had received calls and a text from rb which indicated that ch wasn’t taking his hands off the wheel so I know that he will be tired and stressed when he gets back here.
Because the wind is blowing at mach 2199, the internet is down. Admittedly, the internet is my primary source of entertainment in down times. The tv just doesn’t cut it anymore. I’m beyond pissed that a simple thing like wind has it knocked completely out and flat and I sit here stressed because I’m unable to check anything…jann arden’s website, where I’ve heard that she is auctioning off paintings so I want to see her work, to reading the last bits of gossip that enty lawyer has likely posted since I have been in class.
Speaking of that, what a shit show: tonight I just couldn’t do anything and was all thumbs and left feet. I was embarrassed. There was a point where she was getting us to individually show what we know and I was the retard who didn’t get it. So naturally the whole class is looking at me when it’s my turn and it’s all happening in slow motion as the lady does her thing before me and the instructor says “perfect” and then suddenly it’s my turn and I already have set myself up to fail before I begin and have that feeling of ultimate dread in my stomach the same way I did in 3rd year 18thC English lit where I had to present my view on a stupid book I couldn’t understand to a class of judgmental fourth year assholes. every statement I made came out sounding like a question, so I sounded even dumber than I looked in my purple jeans and striped top.
I try to do my thing and then have to stop and say “but I’m NOT a dancer, this doesn’t come naturally to me” feeling as if I have to apologize to the entire class, and then she has to stop and break it down for me and I STILL don’t / wont get it and then finally she sees my frustration and has the rest of the class doing it alongside me. I was so embarrassed I wasn’t sure whether I should cry or walk out and never return. I get the first parts of the song; it’s just the new stuff with complicated steps that I’m having immense difficulty over. Then add to it that michelle is there and SHE gets it and it’s her first class, and I feel even worse. The instructor rashida is telling us to look sexy, well….i kind of feel as if I’m some kind of robot doing some pseudo sexy dance and making a complete fool out of myself. I’m like a kid who has stolen down to the basement of her grandma’s house and is under the stairs with the light on looking at the fancy dresses and surreptitiously trying them on and waddling around in her high heels and wigs trying to look sophisticated. I look in the mirrors that are placed in the studio and wonder wtf I’m doing in this class and feel as if I’m the ugly duckling trying to fit in beside the swans. I can do other things: run like crazy, lift weights, do yoga, but somehow doing simple dance moves has me completely stymied and confused, and embarrassed. I protest my ignorance and rashida is trying her best to keep me afloat while the other classmates cluck their approval and “no, you’re getting it; it’s ok”s. embarrassing.
There is one thing about me that frustrates me is that I get very impatient if I don’t get something first off. My yoga instructor always says that about new sequences, that we are hesitant to do them and hate doing it but once we get used to it, we like it. And it is true: once I figure out how to do a pose, I’m happy to do it and hold it. She always says “we love doing what we can do the best” and it’s true. Same applies to bollywood dancing. Oh I get the first part of the song and understand what I should be doing and the moves and I know the first few minutes, but when it actually comes down to flowing and making it work, I stumble and fail. The rest of them seem to be getting it but as soon as I do a misstep, I stop and get mad. We’re supposed to paste smiles on our faces and all I can do is get angry with myself. Smiling at that point seems pointless, fake, and ridiculous.
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