alone. now what?

ahh, the realisation that i'm alone is sinking in.

when i got home from my parties, it was to an empty house.  oh the dogs and cat were super excited to see me, but it was then when i realised that nobody else was here or would return later.

i watched aimless tv, but right now it's off.  ordinarily it would be on to some inane channel.  or ch would be on the computer up here playing games.  it's nice to know that i can go to bed when i please without wondering if ch will be sober enough to crawl up to bed or bloody well turn off all the lights when he passes out on the sofa.

it's nice to know that i can sit here and fart openly if i desire.  to practice my bollywood dance routine that i should have memorized by thursday's class because it's only going to get more complicated from here.  to know that i can take a bath with the door open and can go to bed after chugging a neo citran and not worrying about someone barging in saying, "are you really going to bed now"?

i dont know why i need my alone time so much, but i do.  i get it all day long monday to friday and some saturdays too, but knowing that i'm alone here for more than 24hrs is just such a treat to me.  incidentally, according to LAS arrival info, the flight has arrived.  i need not worry for the next three days.

i like the idea of being free to do as i wish without guilt.  not that there is guilt the rest of the time, but it's nice to know i can eat early or late or eat meatless.  i dont have to think about dinner for someone else.  i dont even have to do their laundry, clean up their socks.  i can open the blind as soon as i get up.  hell, i can vacuum without having to wait till he's left the house.  it's nice to know that i really dont have to spend any money in order to keep the house running all week long.  i'm certain i will find plenty to keep me occupied: cleaning, organizing, sorting...hell even touching up my paint jobs or painting the ceiling (which i've had the paint bought for the last 9 months, for fuckssake).  you know...uninterrupted time to think, be and do. 

it reminds me of my halcion youth of being single.  of course back then i was living in a basement apartment in sunnyside.  i didnt like being single and alone.  i paced.  now that i look back on it, i really think i squandered my time there.  i obsessed over what i didnt have, rather than focussing on what i had. i had my space to grow, i had a relatively good job that paid the bills, and i was living in a part of the city i loved.  i look back on that and just think that i really didnt see the forest for the trees.  if i could redo that part of my life, i most certainly would in a heartbeat.

i could be singing an entirely different tune in three days' time.  perhaps. 

it's funny because a lot of people seem really uncomfortable with knowing that i elected to stay home from vegas and let ch go.  i dont know why that is, but it is.  it's like people cant possibly understand or wrap their heads around the fact that people need distance from one another from time to time in order to make things work.  there was a time about 2 weeks ago where the wind blew and blew where i thought that i couldnt bear another minute here in this house with things falling apart and fighting endless calamities.  knowing there was an escape from ch, even tho he's not pressuring me, helped me feel some kind of irrational relief.

so right now i feel relieved.  serene even.  it's MY house now.  i'm certain that i will be happy to see him thursday.  i'm hoping to have great sex when he returns.  of course i know better than to set myself up.  i'll be prepared for disappointment.

i'm a big girl.  i can handle everything life throws me, i really can.  so i'm going to run my bath, sing, dance, and be ever so grateful for the life i'm living RIGHT THIS SECOND.