religiousity

i'm not sure why, but religious folks make me uneasy. 

maybe it's because i was raised to be wary of brainwashing or whether it is because i'm a nonbeliever and feel uncomfortable for challenging something so many folks believe in blindly.

there will always be doubts because i'm wishy washy.  what if they're all right?  what now?  what if i'm right?  what does it all mean?

i do have difficulty believing in something everyone has taken as gospel truths.  part of being an english major was to question what was written, to understand that it's all perspective.  knowing that 3 people could see something happen and have three entirely different ways of explaining what happened and knowing that you could see veins of truth in it but not the complete truth, has always made me question the bible.  the other sticking point is that things were written by hand.  you cant tell me it was all copied word for word without creative editing.  walking on water?  well, maybe that detail made for a good story, rather than saying that jesus' robe got muddy, they figured that they'd embellish a little and nobody'd be the wiser?  who knows, it could have happened.

i guess i'm saying that unless god wrote it himself without human intervention, it becomes very difficult to believe.  yeah, great fables and life lessons, much the same way you'd regard greek or roman tales, but you'd not put a hell of a lot of stock in it.

i have a couple of friends who went to a women's empowerment seminar yesterday.  it ran from 10-4 and had lunches provided.  $20 for the day.  davina had invited me and told me that she was going with another friend.  it sounded interesting until she told me where it was being held (at a church) and i googled it.  it talked about this woman preaching over satellite for a day of prayer.  immediately when i read that i was turned off.  if i was a believer it would have been fine, but to aimlessly pray to something i dont believe in would be insincere and a waste of my time, so i politely declined.

she ended up running into krista there who is now a born again.  there's something about her recent conversion that i find very discomforting.  she used to be a real party animal and wilder than me.  something twigged in her and she converted.  i found that obnoxious for some reason, and seeing as i was raised how i was raised, i became scared of her.  even now when i see her i get anxiety.  there's a part of me that does not believe her faith and i feel as if she's faking it or is phony or this phase will end.  and there is that part of me that is very disturbed because i'm acting the way others have acted when there are significant changes in someone's life.  people distance themselves and feel awkward about it. 

i just find it hard to have a legit friendship with her, moreso now that she's converted.  i will converse with her, but the warmth and sincerity isnt forthcoming.  i'm not happy to see her when i do...i'm nervous and i want to get away from her.  i really can not explain it.  i also now think her kindness is fake, that this conversion is all phony.

i realise this problem is mine, however i have no immediate need to rectify it.  for now i'll just keep things status quo...distance.