yeah. i'll admit it. i'm lonely.
i look around and everyone seems to have a bff. there's terri and rhonda and despite them saying "oh you can room with us" there's always some bond there that is impenetrable. and really, i dont want to be bff's with either of them. but then there's krista and tina, pam and tanis...i could go on.
i am not picky. ok...maybe i am a bit.
i'd like my bff to share my wit, to be enthused about fitness enough to inspire me. to be someone who wants to do things, whose husband is easy to get along with, who can get along with my husband. i want someone who wants to get outside and go things. i'd like it if you liked golf, or hiking, or biking, or working out.
i'd like someone to go shopping with, someone who calls me and is GENUINE about their concern or interest in my life. someone who doesnt want to compete with things i do. someone i can bounce ideas off of, a person i can be real with and not guarded.
fuck, if you're out there, please make yourself available....
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
for you
robin,
this song will likely get played saturday night @ the stampede. i dont think i can get through it without thinking of you...fuck. i'll be the one in the audience or on the grounds listening with tears streaming down my face.
i fucking miss you.
this song will likely get played saturday night @ the stampede. i dont think i can get through it without thinking of you...fuck. i'll be the one in the audience or on the grounds listening with tears streaming down my face.
i fucking miss you.
passive/aggressive
my extended family is full of pa cunts. i realise that i'm playing into that shit by posting about it, so i suppose i'm guilty or just as much of a pa cunt. but really, the useless sil posted something so terribly pa on her fb status today that just smacks of stupidity and irony. she just doesnt see how pa it is to do that and how it's just as bad as what she's complaining about...
"why are people so fake??? Don't bother pretending to be my friend. If something is bothering you, would it not be better to just talk to me, rather then going around to others and talking about me behind my back? Seriously! GROW UP!"
all this is coming from someone who is just as fake as everyone she is complaining about, pretending to be everyone else's friend. i mean, come on...she's befriended over 300 ppl she doesnt know. hell, on her kid's first bday she invited ppl she didnt know and while they talked around her about future plans, she sat on her ewa and listened and wasnt included. but no, befriend all of them and then complain viciously when they dont want to be your friend. here's an idea: pare down your friend list then. christ, it's not rocket science, nor is it a competition to out-friend everyone. she's always adding these pa statuses and it's beyond ridick. if she has a problem with someone, shouldnt she confront them, as opposed to putting bs statuses all over the damned place?? really.
get real, bitch.
just sayin'.
"why are people so fake??? Don't bother pretending to be my friend. If something is bothering you, would it not be better to just talk to me, rather then going around to others and talking about me behind my back? Seriously! GROW UP!"
all this is coming from someone who is just as fake as everyone she is complaining about, pretending to be everyone else's friend. i mean, come on...she's befriended over 300 ppl she doesnt know. hell, on her kid's first bday she invited ppl she didnt know and while they talked around her about future plans, she sat on her ewa and listened and wasnt included. but no, befriend all of them and then complain viciously when they dont want to be your friend. here's an idea: pare down your friend list then. christ, it's not rocket science, nor is it a competition to out-friend everyone. she's always adding these pa statuses and it's beyond ridick. if she has a problem with someone, shouldnt she confront them, as opposed to putting bs statuses all over the damned place?? really.
get real, bitch.
just sayin'.
5 months and nothing's changed
there are still moments of melancholy. mostly, they're brought on by things which i cant control. for instance, tonight i saw the fireworks at our stampede, and i know--isnt it fucking crazy--i thought of you immediately. i thought of that time where we were at the stampede in yyc and how we all went as a crazy group, drank, laughed, ate, did whatever. remember when we walked through the grounds hand in hand and laughed as people made the gag face with their hands because they thought we were lezzies? remember that? we laughed. hell, we did it to shock people. kinda like that time we pretended i was so very fucking ill at the bar. god, i dont remember where, but i made the barf noises, you made the splashes. and we fucking giggled like school girls to hear them on the other side of the door groaning. god, i laugh thinking of the shit we pulled in our youth. christ, i know that somewhere out there you're laughing along with me.
but i just wanted to say that you are so very close to me to this day. christ, i cant believe i'm going to be turning 40 without you. i know that's next year. god dammit, robin, i know that you were never meant to get old. you'd have thought our stories were trite and tired by 70, you'd have told me to grow up, to get over it, that it was the past and now we were supposed to be respectable adults with our widow's pensions, our jewels from years gone by, and the lines on our faces to prove it. i'd have been the one wheeled into a corner with tears running down my face. it'd be up to the nurses to sedate me out of their awkwardness. they wouldnt know whether i was in hysterics from laughing or crying. fuck, i'm sure they will still have to because i know i'll start talking to you randomly when the urge to care or give a damn has long since passed. i just hope you come to me and tell me it's ok.
but i just wanted to say that you are so very close to me to this day. christ, i cant believe i'm going to be turning 40 without you. i know that's next year. god dammit, robin, i know that you were never meant to get old. you'd have thought our stories were trite and tired by 70, you'd have told me to grow up, to get over it, that it was the past and now we were supposed to be respectable adults with our widow's pensions, our jewels from years gone by, and the lines on our faces to prove it. i'd have been the one wheeled into a corner with tears running down my face. it'd be up to the nurses to sedate me out of their awkwardness. they wouldnt know whether i was in hysterics from laughing or crying. fuck, i'm sure they will still have to because i know i'll start talking to you randomly when the urge to care or give a damn has long since passed. i just hope you come to me and tell me it's ok.
Friday, May 06, 2011
tattoo me
this is what i got in robin's name.
the robin on the branch, red heart on the breast and three cherry blossoms symbolising the fragile nature of life and fleeting moments of beauty.
the robin on the branch, red heart on the breast and three cherry blossoms symbolising the fragile nature of life and fleeting moments of beauty.
dear robin
the part that haunts me is "sit down beside me and stay awhile/there are shadows/til we are all in grey"....
i cant help but picturing us sitting on a bench in a wooded area and knowing, ultimately, that it's just me sitting there wishing ever so much that you were beside me.
i cant help but picturing us sitting on a bench in a wooded area and knowing, ultimately, that it's just me sitting there wishing ever so much that you were beside me.
sit down, sit down...dont leave.
Sit down beside me, and stay awhile
Let our hearts do their parts
With wide words to meet the hours
So the day never starts
Cause thats what I want
Thats what we need
Cause thats who we are
Cause thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa aaahhhh lalalalaa
Sit down beside me and stay awhile
There are shadows
til we are all in grey
til we got nothing left to say
Cause thats what we are
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
Thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
aaahhhh lalalalaa thats what we need
aaahhh lalalala
*Musical*
How long love
And stay awhile
Sit down beside me, and stay awhile
Til the night runs away
til the morning rises as we part our ways
to the end of our days
Let our hearts do their parts
With wide words to meet the hours
So the day never starts
Cause thats what I want
Thats what we need
Cause thats who we are
Cause thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa aaahhhh lalalalaa
Sit down beside me and stay awhile
There are shadows
til we are all in grey
til we got nothing left to say
Cause thats what we are
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
Thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
aaahhhh lalalalaa thats what we need
aaahhh lalalala
*Musical*
How long love
And stay awhile
Sit down beside me, and stay awhile
Til the night runs away
til the morning rises as we part our ways
to the end of our days
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
bookends
we used to sing this...we had no clue.
time it was and what a time it was, it was
a time of innocence
a time of confidences
long ago, it must be
i have a photograph
preserve your memories
they're all that's left you.
time it was and what a time it was, it was
a time of innocence
a time of confidences
long ago, it must be
i have a photograph
preserve your memories
they're all that's left you.
dear robin
i can finally breathe after hearing about your loss. it's not as if that hole has covered itself up. no, it's still there, but hidden well under the mask i wear everyday. i havent really told that many people, no. i have just told the ones who knew you and the ones who were from our past together, so that amounts to nobody, really.
but i do know that those who knew are so deeply affected and touched. it's as if we've all been burned by the same flame that took you, robbed us even. robbed us all of the things we held dear to our hearts but were too unwilling to understand, to reach out, to say so.
and there is that part of me that will wonder if it would have ended that way because i chose to leave facebook...and i wonder if i would have reached out to you, called you even when i found out that you lost your last footing before the fall? would i have called you? would i have been there and have averted this final step? i'm not sure. it's going to haunt me.
it's haunting me that i dont know the hows or the whys of your death. and christ, i mourn your passing like nothing else. goddammit, robin, i feel SO lost without you, even tho we havent seen each other for years. fuck. you and i were a different breed together....we may not have seen each other all the time, but when we did, it was as if we never left. i fucking miss having someone like that in my life. christ, robin, i'm so lost. who else knows me the way you did? fuck, even talking about you in past tense is so trite, so stupid, so hard to believe.
i keep listening to songs and thinking of you and wanting one ---just one---to spell it all out for me and i'm not finding it. yes, we will always have "our" song: bookends by simon and garfunkel...god...when i think of how we were in our 3rd year, how we thought we had the world by the ass, it breaks my heart to know you're not still hanging on. and i wish you told me just how far down you fell...
i just miss you. i've stopped crying as much as i did last week, but i always am keeping you in my thoughts, thinking wwrdwd constantly. but seriously, in the middle of "oh my bff is____" i can no longer answer. i cant tell you just how lonely the world is now that you're no longer in it.
but i do know that those who knew are so deeply affected and touched. it's as if we've all been burned by the same flame that took you, robbed us even. robbed us all of the things we held dear to our hearts but were too unwilling to understand, to reach out, to say so.
and there is that part of me that will wonder if it would have ended that way because i chose to leave facebook...and i wonder if i would have reached out to you, called you even when i found out that you lost your last footing before the fall? would i have called you? would i have been there and have averted this final step? i'm not sure. it's going to haunt me.
it's haunting me that i dont know the hows or the whys of your death. and christ, i mourn your passing like nothing else. goddammit, robin, i feel SO lost without you, even tho we havent seen each other for years. fuck. you and i were a different breed together....we may not have seen each other all the time, but when we did, it was as if we never left. i fucking miss having someone like that in my life. christ, robin, i'm so lost. who else knows me the way you did? fuck, even talking about you in past tense is so trite, so stupid, so hard to believe.
i keep listening to songs and thinking of you and wanting one ---just one---to spell it all out for me and i'm not finding it. yes, we will always have "our" song: bookends by simon and garfunkel...god...when i think of how we were in our 3rd year, how we thought we had the world by the ass, it breaks my heart to know you're not still hanging on. and i wish you told me just how far down you fell...
i just miss you. i've stopped crying as much as i did last week, but i always am keeping you in my thoughts, thinking wwrdwd constantly. but seriously, in the middle of "oh my bff is____" i can no longer answer. i cant tell you just how lonely the world is now that you're no longer in it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
she's dead
i wrote about robin on october 24. 2009. she died march 18, 2011 in a horrible house fire. i just found out yesterday and i'm dying inside knowing that my lovely girl isnt here with every waking sunrise. we might not have been in touch but every time i saw her, it was as if there was no pause.
i'm aching inside worrying about her. did she suffer? was it intentional? (surely not) was her job dismissal one of the causes? i've heard contrary reports to suggest it.
i will continue to write more about this as i know...for now, all i know is that my sunny smile, my beyond years wisdom, my friend of 20+yrs is gone and there is a huge hole where my heart should be.
i'm aching inside worrying about her. did she suffer? was it intentional? (surely not) was her job dismissal one of the causes? i've heard contrary reports to suggest it.
i will continue to write more about this as i know...for now, all i know is that my sunny smile, my beyond years wisdom, my friend of 20+yrs is gone and there is a huge hole where my heart should be.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tasha's Home
i just picked up the cat's remains.
i think i'm in a better place than i was this time last week. it took me 2 full days of mourning to feel better. i still dont feel like i can conquer the world, but i am recovering.
i still miss the cat and look for her when i exit the bathroom, or come downstairs to start my day. sometimes i think i see her sitting on the back of the couch or hear her meowing looking for me. i've had to stop myself several times from calling out to her.
now her remains are home and i will put them on my night table beside sid's. i had thought of combining them, but if you knew sid at all, you'd know she'd have NONE of that! anytime tasha would try to jump up and visit her, sid would freak out and hit her until she'd jump down, so i know that there'd be no way she'd rest with tasha's remains.
anyway, i have them home, but not in a capacity i really cherish.
wishing they were still here...
i think i'm in a better place than i was this time last week. it took me 2 full days of mourning to feel better. i still dont feel like i can conquer the world, but i am recovering.
i still miss the cat and look for her when i exit the bathroom, or come downstairs to start my day. sometimes i think i see her sitting on the back of the couch or hear her meowing looking for me. i've had to stop myself several times from calling out to her.
now her remains are home and i will put them on my night table beside sid's. i had thought of combining them, but if you knew sid at all, you'd know she'd have NONE of that! anytime tasha would try to jump up and visit her, sid would freak out and hit her until she'd jump down, so i know that there'd be no way she'd rest with tasha's remains.
anyway, i have them home, but not in a capacity i really cherish.
wishing they were still here...
Lost In The World
just bought kanye's new album and i'm totally feeling this song...good beat. cant wait to plug it in for tuesday's run at the gym.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
more sadness
today, in less than an hour, i'm going to put my cat tasha to sleep. we've been together 16 years (almost to the day--nov 25/94) and i've been dreading this day for as long as i've had her.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
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yeah. i'll admit it. i'm lonely.
i look around and everyone seems to have a bff. there's terri and rhonda and despite them saying "oh you can room with us" there's always some bond there that is impenetrable. and really, i dont want to be bff's with either of them. but then there's krista and tina, pam and tanis...i could go on.
i am not picky. ok...maybe i am a bit.
i'd like my bff to share my wit, to be enthused about fitness enough to inspire me. to be someone who wants to do things, whose husband is easy to get along with, who can get along with my husband. i want someone who wants to get outside and go things. i'd like it if you liked golf, or hiking, or biking, or working out.
i'd like someone to go shopping with, someone who calls me and is GENUINE about their concern or interest in my life. someone who doesnt want to compete with things i do. someone i can bounce ideas off of, a person i can be real with and not guarded.
fuck, if you're out there, please make yourself available....
my extended family is full of pa cunts. i realise that i'm playing into that shit by posting about it, so i suppose i'm guilty or just as much of a pa cunt. but really, the useless sil posted something so terribly pa on her fb status today that just smacks of stupidity and irony. she just doesnt see how pa it is to do that and how it's just as bad as what she's complaining about...
"why are people so fake??? Don't bother pretending to be my friend. If something is bothering you, would it not be better to just talk to me, rather then going around to others and talking about me behind my back? Seriously! GROW UP!"
all this is coming from someone who is just as fake as everyone she is complaining about, pretending to be everyone else's friend. i mean, come on...she's befriended over 300 ppl she doesnt know. hell, on her kid's first bday she invited ppl she didnt know and while they talked around her about future plans, she sat on her ewa and listened and wasnt included. but no, befriend all of them and then complain viciously when they dont want to be your friend. here's an idea: pare down your friend list then. christ, it's not rocket science, nor is it a competition to out-friend everyone. she's always adding these pa statuses and it's beyond ridick. if she has a problem with someone, shouldnt she confront them, as opposed to putting bs statuses all over the damned place?? really.
get real, bitch.
just sayin'.
there are still moments of melancholy. mostly, they're brought on by things which i cant control. for instance, tonight i saw the fireworks at our stampede, and i know--isnt it fucking crazy--i thought of you immediately. i thought of that time where we were at the stampede in yyc and how we all went as a crazy group, drank, laughed, ate, did whatever. remember when we walked through the grounds hand in hand and laughed as people made the gag face with their hands because they thought we were lezzies? remember that? we laughed. hell, we did it to shock people. kinda like that time we pretended i was so very fucking ill at the bar. god, i dont remember where, but i made the barf noises, you made the splashes. and we fucking giggled like school girls to hear them on the other side of the door groaning. god, i laugh thinking of the shit we pulled in our youth. christ, i know that somewhere out there you're laughing along with me.
but i just wanted to say that you are so very close to me to this day. christ, i cant believe i'm going to be turning 40 without you. i know that's next year. god dammit, robin, i know that you were never meant to get old. you'd have thought our stories were trite and tired by 70, you'd have told me to grow up, to get over it, that it was the past and now we were supposed to be respectable adults with our widow's pensions, our jewels from years gone by, and the lines on our faces to prove it. i'd have been the one wheeled into a corner with tears running down my face. it'd be up to the nurses to sedate me out of their awkwardness. they wouldnt know whether i was in hysterics from laughing or crying. fuck, i'm sure they will still have to because i know i'll start talking to you randomly when the urge to care or give a damn has long since passed. i just hope you come to me and tell me it's ok.
Sit down beside me, and stay awhile
Let our hearts do their parts
With wide words to meet the hours
So the day never starts
Cause thats what I want
Thats what we need
Cause thats who we are
Cause thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa aaahhhh lalalalaa
Sit down beside me and stay awhile
There are shadows
til we are all in grey
til we got nothing left to say
Cause thats what we are
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
Thats what we need
Aaaahhhhh lalalalaa
Thats what we need
cause thats who we are
aaahhhh lalalalaa thats what we need
aaahhh lalalala
*Musical*
How long love
And stay awhile
Sit down beside me, and stay awhile
Til the night runs away
til the morning rises as we part our ways
to the end of our days
i can finally breathe after hearing about your loss. it's not as if that hole has covered itself up. no, it's still there, but hidden well under the mask i wear everyday. i havent really told that many people, no. i have just told the ones who knew you and the ones who were from our past together, so that amounts to nobody, really.
but i do know that those who knew are so deeply affected and touched. it's as if we've all been burned by the same flame that took you, robbed us even. robbed us all of the things we held dear to our hearts but were too unwilling to understand, to reach out, to say so.
and there is that part of me that will wonder if it would have ended that way because i chose to leave facebook...and i wonder if i would have reached out to you, called you even when i found out that you lost your last footing before the fall? would i have called you? would i have been there and have averted this final step? i'm not sure. it's going to haunt me.
it's haunting me that i dont know the hows or the whys of your death. and christ, i mourn your passing like nothing else. goddammit, robin, i feel SO lost without you, even tho we havent seen each other for years. fuck. you and i were a different breed together....we may not have seen each other all the time, but when we did, it was as if we never left. i fucking miss having someone like that in my life. christ, robin, i'm so lost. who else knows me the way you did? fuck, even talking about you in past tense is so trite, so stupid, so hard to believe.
i keep listening to songs and thinking of you and wanting one ---just one---to spell it all out for me and i'm not finding it. yes, we will always have "our" song: bookends by simon and garfunkel...god...when i think of how we were in our 3rd year, how we thought we had the world by the ass, it breaks my heart to know you're not still hanging on. and i wish you told me just how far down you fell...
i just miss you. i've stopped crying as much as i did last week, but i always am keeping you in my thoughts, thinking wwrdwd constantly. but seriously, in the middle of "oh my bff is____" i can no longer answer. i cant tell you just how lonely the world is now that you're no longer in it.
i wrote about robin on october 24. 2009. she died march 18, 2011 in a horrible house fire. i just found out yesterday and i'm dying inside knowing that my lovely girl isnt here with every waking sunrise. we might not have been in touch but every time i saw her, it was as if there was no pause.
i'm aching inside worrying about her. did she suffer? was it intentional? (surely not) was her job dismissal one of the causes? i've heard contrary reports to suggest it.
i will continue to write more about this as i know...for now, all i know is that my sunny smile, my beyond years wisdom, my friend of 20+yrs is gone and there is a huge hole where my heart should be.
i just picked up the cat's remains.
i think i'm in a better place than i was this time last week. it took me 2 full days of mourning to feel better. i still dont feel like i can conquer the world, but i am recovering.
i still miss the cat and look for her when i exit the bathroom, or come downstairs to start my day. sometimes i think i see her sitting on the back of the couch or hear her meowing looking for me. i've had to stop myself several times from calling out to her.
now her remains are home and i will put them on my night table beside sid's. i had thought of combining them, but if you knew sid at all, you'd know she'd have NONE of that! anytime tasha would try to jump up and visit her, sid would freak out and hit her until she'd jump down, so i know that there'd be no way she'd rest with tasha's remains.
anyway, i have them home, but not in a capacity i really cherish.
wishing they were still here...
today, in less than an hour, i'm going to put my cat tasha to sleep. we've been together 16 years (almost to the day--nov 25/94) and i've been dreading this day for as long as i've had her.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
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