i just picked up the cat's remains.
i think i'm in a better place than i was this time last week. it took me 2 full days of mourning to feel better. i still dont feel like i can conquer the world, but i am recovering.
i still miss the cat and look for her when i exit the bathroom, or come downstairs to start my day. sometimes i think i see her sitting on the back of the couch or hear her meowing looking for me. i've had to stop myself several times from calling out to her.
now her remains are home and i will put them on my night table beside sid's. i had thought of combining them, but if you knew sid at all, you'd know she'd have NONE of that! anytime tasha would try to jump up and visit her, sid would freak out and hit her until she'd jump down, so i know that there'd be no way she'd rest with tasha's remains.
anyway, i have them home, but not in a capacity i really cherish.
wishing they were still here...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Lost In The World
just bought kanye's new album and i'm totally feeling this song...good beat. cant wait to plug it in for tuesday's run at the gym.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
more sadness
today, in less than an hour, i'm going to put my cat tasha to sleep. we've been together 16 years (almost to the day--nov 25/94) and i've been dreading this day for as long as i've had her.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
wierd, big brother and essence
i had a relatively productive day in therapy yesterday. it didnt start out that way, mind you, but by the time we finished, we were circling the idea that i have three separate personalities named wierd, big brother, and essence.
before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD. i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.
wierd is that voice. you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line. it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice. it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others. it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.
i hate wierd. i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass. it has a nasty wake too. maybe even a gutteral sound to it. it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well. wierd lies for its own benefit. in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me. wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations. it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too.
case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time. she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately. something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say. instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right. she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks. in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.
essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be. it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to. it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it. would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends. essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school. essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction. essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person. it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them. essence is who i am.
i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing. bright light which floats above my hand. it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful. it may not look it, but it is.
the final character is big brother. big brother disagrees heartily with wierd. it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence. big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice. it's coming but it is taking time. big brother, god love him, is a head case tho. says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals. big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained. the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother.
wierd provokes big brother and vice versa. when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions.
essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard. occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother. essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh. wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind. eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait. it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore? by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back." instant calm.
i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it.
i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.
before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD. i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.
wierd is that voice. you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line. it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice. it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others. it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.
i hate wierd. i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass. it has a nasty wake too. maybe even a gutteral sound to it. it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well. wierd lies for its own benefit. in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me. wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations. it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too.
case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time. she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately. something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say. instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right. she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks. in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.
essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be. it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to. it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it. would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends. essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school. essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction. essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person. it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them. essence is who i am.
i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing. bright light which floats above my hand. it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful. it may not look it, but it is.
the final character is big brother. big brother disagrees heartily with wierd. it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence. big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice. it's coming but it is taking time. big brother, god love him, is a head case tho. says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals. big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained. the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother.
wierd provokes big brother and vice versa. when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions.
essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard. occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother. essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh. wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind. eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait. it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore? by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back." instant calm.
i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it.
i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
tasha
i keep feeling pressure to do something about tasha before i go to ORD next weekend.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
grey days
turn to grey thoughts.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
these dreams
this morning i had a dream about sid.
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
it's my birthday
i figured since it's my bday that i'd list the #1 songs on september 11th from 1972-present day...
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
MIA...again
i havent been here in a while and i intend to change that. i hope. i say that every time and then inevitably things happen and i'm producing posts with apologies wondering where the time went.
i'm going to post as time allows and nothing further. no more apologies. it is what it is.
i'm going to post as time allows and nothing further. no more apologies. it is what it is.
Monday, August 16, 2010
aerius
i've been suffering from my allergies this month. it was like that in august last year, and i'm not sure what might be causing my discomfort, but i'm tired of it.
like last year, claritin failed to work. no matter how much i took, nothing would help. this time around, i've decided to try 2 different medications: aerius and reactine, hoping that one of them will work and i'll stop sneezing and getting an itchy nose etc.
i took "non drowsy" aerius last night. within 1/2 hr my symptoms stopped but i was tired as all hell. couldnt keep my eyes open. i went to bed at SEVEN. yes, seven. and i slept heavily all night long. "non-drowsy" my ass. obviously this is not a medication for day use in my situation.
today i tried reactine, since the other stuff was wearing off. took one pill before my massage at nine and the symptoms held off till i got home and had to take another one. yes, the box says you can take more than 1 pill in 24hrs. the problem with this is that i'm now feeling exceedingly sleepy and it's only bloody 2pm. i dont want to take a stupid nap because i will sleep the entire day away and not be tired enough for bed. this allergy stuff is annoying.
so while i was out cold, i had a dream that i returned to high school. i didnt know which classes i had and the only one i attended was an english lit class. we were supposed to read this book and even tho i read part of it, the words were all jumbled and i couldnt make sense of any of it. i read it over and over again, and still nothing. i remember saying "i need my glasses" during one part of my dream.
then class was over and i had a backpack full of books but no destination. i didnt have a locker and i didnt know my schedule and i was walking around lost looking for someone to tell me where i should be.
i woke up confused and out of it, thanks to aerius...i am going to be so glad when this fucking month is over....
like last year, claritin failed to work. no matter how much i took, nothing would help. this time around, i've decided to try 2 different medications: aerius and reactine, hoping that one of them will work and i'll stop sneezing and getting an itchy nose etc.
i took "non drowsy" aerius last night. within 1/2 hr my symptoms stopped but i was tired as all hell. couldnt keep my eyes open. i went to bed at SEVEN. yes, seven. and i slept heavily all night long. "non-drowsy" my ass. obviously this is not a medication for day use in my situation.
today i tried reactine, since the other stuff was wearing off. took one pill before my massage at nine and the symptoms held off till i got home and had to take another one. yes, the box says you can take more than 1 pill in 24hrs. the problem with this is that i'm now feeling exceedingly sleepy and it's only bloody 2pm. i dont want to take a stupid nap because i will sleep the entire day away and not be tired enough for bed. this allergy stuff is annoying.
so while i was out cold, i had a dream that i returned to high school. i didnt know which classes i had and the only one i attended was an english lit class. we were supposed to read this book and even tho i read part of it, the words were all jumbled and i couldnt make sense of any of it. i read it over and over again, and still nothing. i remember saying "i need my glasses" during one part of my dream.
then class was over and i had a backpack full of books but no destination. i didnt have a locker and i didnt know my schedule and i was walking around lost looking for someone to tell me where i should be.
i woke up confused and out of it, thanks to aerius...i am going to be so glad when this fucking month is over....
techno tools
fuck technology sometimes.
i sent a txt to terri the other night telling her that i thought ross was acting a bit creepy and freaking me out. i dont remember sending that text, but obviously i did sometime during the night. and chances are, yes, he was acting freaky. there are times where he's just wierd and odd and gives you vibes that make you feel uncomfortable. evidently he was doing that to me saturday night.
i dont remember typing or sending such a text. today i received it as a forwarded text to ross. so in other words, terri wrote a txt to ross and somehow forwarded my text to her about his creepiness on to it. i got this text in two parts and she was addressing ross in both texts. and then a third one came in once again attaching that message.
like, how fucking hard is it to fucking go into your address book to start new text messages? why must you use old messages to create new ones. it's like getting those ridiculous emails that have been forwarded since the dawn of the internet where you see everyone's email address and the forwards are larger than the text of the message itself.
to be truthful, i'm quite pissed at terri. i mean, it's not hard to start a new message, no matter how old your phone is. what i dont get is why she would forward that message i wrote her onto ross and send it like that.
i confronted her on it and said "uhm, i hink my comment i txted you got forwarded to ross when you were discussing tix"...her response: "Lol, i never got one".
WTF does that even mean? "i never got one"...well no, why should you? you fucking SENT my comment to me AND ross!!!
regardless, i'm fuming because it's just another headache, something said at the end of a late night and now i'm stressing over here wondering if i should apologize to ross or if i should feign ignorance. and then there's terri...obviously she has NO clue what i was trying to say and i really am not in the mood or the business of explaining everything in great detail over a text. i shouldnt have erased the two texts so i could forward them to her and ask why she sent that on, but it's too late....
fuck, all it does is make me very angry at myself for saying anything to anyone about anyone else, whether i'm drunk or sober. and fuck, do i now have to guard my texts and not say anything? as it is i dont save my sent items...so now what? i have to be paranoid that some dimwit is going to forward shit by accident to someone???
i guess it means that i should just SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP and never say anything to anyone about anybody that can come back and bite me in the ass.
i sent a txt to terri the other night telling her that i thought ross was acting a bit creepy and freaking me out. i dont remember sending that text, but obviously i did sometime during the night. and chances are, yes, he was acting freaky. there are times where he's just wierd and odd and gives you vibes that make you feel uncomfortable. evidently he was doing that to me saturday night.
i dont remember typing or sending such a text. today i received it as a forwarded text to ross. so in other words, terri wrote a txt to ross and somehow forwarded my text to her about his creepiness on to it. i got this text in two parts and she was addressing ross in both texts. and then a third one came in once again attaching that message.
like, how fucking hard is it to fucking go into your address book to start new text messages? why must you use old messages to create new ones. it's like getting those ridiculous emails that have been forwarded since the dawn of the internet where you see everyone's email address and the forwards are larger than the text of the message itself.
to be truthful, i'm quite pissed at terri. i mean, it's not hard to start a new message, no matter how old your phone is. what i dont get is why she would forward that message i wrote her onto ross and send it like that.
i confronted her on it and said "uhm, i hink my comment i txted you got forwarded to ross when you were discussing tix"...her response: "Lol, i never got one".
WTF does that even mean? "i never got one"...well no, why should you? you fucking SENT my comment to me AND ross!!!
regardless, i'm fuming because it's just another headache, something said at the end of a late night and now i'm stressing over here wondering if i should apologize to ross or if i should feign ignorance. and then there's terri...obviously she has NO clue what i was trying to say and i really am not in the mood or the business of explaining everything in great detail over a text. i shouldnt have erased the two texts so i could forward them to her and ask why she sent that on, but it's too late....
fuck, all it does is make me very angry at myself for saying anything to anyone about anyone else, whether i'm drunk or sober. and fuck, do i now have to guard my texts and not say anything? as it is i dont save my sent items...so now what? i have to be paranoid that some dimwit is going to forward shit by accident to someone???
i guess it means that i should just SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP and never say anything to anyone about anybody that can come back and bite me in the ass.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
shopping expedition, thanks to twitter
i just was following rapscallion and discovered they had 50% off everything in the store this week. they're moving out of downtown, but do you think i was intelligent enough to find out where they're going??? ugh.
anyway, i got 2 flannel shirts (hard to think of in +29C weather): one long sleeved and one short. like em both....i also walked out with 2 tshirts and 3 rings all for $75 after tax.
sweet.
anyway, i got 2 flannel shirts (hard to think of in +29C weather): one long sleeved and one short. like em both....i also walked out with 2 tshirts and 3 rings all for $75 after tax.
sweet.
oddities
as a "thank you" the sil lent ch her ipod. the pretext is that we can "listen" to the books she has on there. she has "shit my dad says" and wants us to hear it. uhh, fuck you.
am i the only one who finds it incredibly odd that she would full out lend her ipod to us? we're not talking a touch with the books on it, but her ipod with all her music on it. i would never lend my ipod to anyone. not saying that i have things on there, but i'd BURN something to cd and give that cd to a friend or let them come over and download stuff IF THEY WANTED TO; not full on put something on someone and expect them to do it in some imaginary time line.
i doubt we'll ever listen to that shit and her ipod will sit there and collect dust.
and yes, i snooped through it. funny for someone who is so uber judgemental about my music (calling it stuff her "kiiiiiiiiiiids"--at school-- listen to), she has a lot of shit on there her kiiiiiiiiids would listen to. black eyed peas, katy perry, fucking even snoop dog. i laughed when i saw that. she's not cool enough for snoop dizzle dizzle. (like i am, but you get me, right?) of course there is a shitload of CUNTry on there. what a surprise.
am i the only one who finds it incredibly odd that she would full out lend her ipod to us? we're not talking a touch with the books on it, but her ipod with all her music on it. i would never lend my ipod to anyone. not saying that i have things on there, but i'd BURN something to cd and give that cd to a friend or let them come over and download stuff IF THEY WANTED TO; not full on put something on someone and expect them to do it in some imaginary time line.
i doubt we'll ever listen to that shit and her ipod will sit there and collect dust.
and yes, i snooped through it. funny for someone who is so uber judgemental about my music (calling it stuff her "kiiiiiiiiiiids"--at school-- listen to), she has a lot of shit on there her kiiiiiiiiids would listen to. black eyed peas, katy perry, fucking even snoop dog. i laughed when i saw that. she's not cool enough for snoop dizzle dizzle. (like i am, but you get me, right?) of course there is a shitload of CUNTry on there. what a surprise.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
true blood
i'm on season three, episode 31. usually i watch it on VOD because i never remember which day it's on during the week and i can pause it when i need to because i have a hyper active bladder that just seems to act up when i'm supposed to be concentrating.
sunday i parked my ass on the sofa and was excited to see epi 31 queued up and pressed play. the episode played for about 5 minutes and then stopped. i tried again. same thing. frustrating!! i'm hoping today that it's back and playing properly and IF have time, i'm hopefully going to get to it and see what's going on.
of all the seasons, i really think i liked the first one the best. oh sure, this one is interesting, but season one really did keep me on the edge of the sofa. season two, while it still continued to interest me, didnt really appeal with the stupid sub plot of whats-her-name (the bull lover).
of course i want to see more jason stackhouse....mmmm....jason...and i really want to see more fantasy hookups between eric and sookie. there was one about 2 episodes back that was so hot, i cant wait to see more.
FANGers crossed it works on the VOD.
sunday i parked my ass on the sofa and was excited to see epi 31 queued up and pressed play. the episode played for about 5 minutes and then stopped. i tried again. same thing. frustrating!! i'm hoping today that it's back and playing properly and IF have time, i'm hopefully going to get to it and see what's going on.
of all the seasons, i really think i liked the first one the best. oh sure, this one is interesting, but season one really did keep me on the edge of the sofa. season two, while it still continued to interest me, didnt really appeal with the stupid sub plot of whats-her-name (the bull lover).
of course i want to see more jason stackhouse....mmmm....jason...and i really want to see more fantasy hookups between eric and sookie. there was one about 2 episodes back that was so hot, i cant wait to see more.
FANGers crossed it works on the VOD.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
a new low?
ch got a call and text from the sil yesterday asking him if he was at work and if so, could he pick her up a bottle of tylenol on the way home? she figures (or most likely has been told) she has strep throat.
as it happens, ch was at home hanging out before golf. he got the texts and came rushing into the bedroom to ask me if we had any and could we give it to her. HELL NO. i wont surrender my stash, especially not to her, and besides, my drug of choice is advil, not tylenol. so he stewed for a bit and then went to shoppers and got it for her. DROVE TO SHOPPERS. GOT IT FOR HER. meanwhile she lives a km from here and is equidistant to shoppers, but stayed home and LET him go out for her.
it really fries me. i can get that maybe asking someone to get something on the way past is better than getting it yourself, i really can. but to sit back and let him leave his house, go to the drugstore, and drop it off for her is BEYOND lazy and if you ask me, way beyond manipulative and devious. like i said, she lives up here and there is NO reason why she couldnt just go herself and do it. i mean, what would she do if ch wasnt around? she'd have to go anyway. i would NEVER sit back and make anyone do my bidding the way she can carelessly do. it's like it's completely ingrained in her to command and expect.
i also love the "do as i say, not as i do" mantra they all live by. we had been up in yyc last month to take the kids to the stampede and she dog sat for us. when we arrived at ch's parents' place, the mil had left a note specifically instructing us which bedroom we should sleep in. it was said without saying it that we had to KEEP OUT of the sil's room. and when i went up there to investigate, the sil had the tv, the alarm clock, the queen bed, all in a room that used to be ch's back when we started dating. somehow she has now usurped his room and we are to stay out of it. so in the meantime while we are being told to stay out, she and the mil came over to let the dogs out and helped themselves to beer out of our fridge and sat and drank it. i know this because my mil told me this in passing and i sarcastically said, 'well OF COURSE you did', because OF COURSE they'd tell you to stay out of something while simultaneously invading your space.
the hypocrisy in this family just irks me something fierce and i think i'm getting to the point where it's going to burst out and i'm going to say something relatively soon. i dont know how much more of it i can take. i long for the day where ch will stand up to all of them and finally say NO.
as it happens, ch was at home hanging out before golf. he got the texts and came rushing into the bedroom to ask me if we had any and could we give it to her. HELL NO. i wont surrender my stash, especially not to her, and besides, my drug of choice is advil, not tylenol. so he stewed for a bit and then went to shoppers and got it for her. DROVE TO SHOPPERS. GOT IT FOR HER. meanwhile she lives a km from here and is equidistant to shoppers, but stayed home and LET him go out for her.
it really fries me. i can get that maybe asking someone to get something on the way past is better than getting it yourself, i really can. but to sit back and let him leave his house, go to the drugstore, and drop it off for her is BEYOND lazy and if you ask me, way beyond manipulative and devious. like i said, she lives up here and there is NO reason why she couldnt just go herself and do it. i mean, what would she do if ch wasnt around? she'd have to go anyway. i would NEVER sit back and make anyone do my bidding the way she can carelessly do. it's like it's completely ingrained in her to command and expect.
i also love the "do as i say, not as i do" mantra they all live by. we had been up in yyc last month to take the kids to the stampede and she dog sat for us. when we arrived at ch's parents' place, the mil had left a note specifically instructing us which bedroom we should sleep in. it was said without saying it that we had to KEEP OUT of the sil's room. and when i went up there to investigate, the sil had the tv, the alarm clock, the queen bed, all in a room that used to be ch's back when we started dating. somehow she has now usurped his room and we are to stay out of it. so in the meantime while we are being told to stay out, she and the mil came over to let the dogs out and helped themselves to beer out of our fridge and sat and drank it. i know this because my mil told me this in passing and i sarcastically said, 'well OF COURSE you did', because OF COURSE they'd tell you to stay out of something while simultaneously invading your space.
the hypocrisy in this family just irks me something fierce and i think i'm getting to the point where it's going to burst out and i'm going to say something relatively soon. i dont know how much more of it i can take. i long for the day where ch will stand up to all of them and finally say NO.
weekend of gong shows
last night we had a 6:54 tee time to do 9 for the twilight special. only, the special wasnt really a "special" as we ended up paying more than we should have, but whatever.
golfed ok. i had a few good long straight shots for a change. doesnt happen very often. some of my other shots were wonky, crooked, stubby, and went nowhere. there were times i wanted to throw my clubs. refrained, only because we were in the company of good friends.
after 9, we sat at the 19th hole and had a couple pints on the deck and plotted out what we'd do this weekend. see, everyone else is out in cypress hills camping. those people with kids and trailers and altho they're fun, we're not part of that, so we are here. but we sat there last night and figured we'd better do something this weekend and do something fun. the first thought was to go out to cypress but ks kyboshed it. just as well. he said he didnt want to drive for 2 hrs. dont blame him. heads were scratched and put together and we figured we'd try to go and do 18 today.
so we are off to cottonwood to attempt 18. i'm not exactly feeling it. probably because i'm kind of a niner girl and once i hit about the 14th, my interest wanes. however, this time i'm intending to not drink nearly as much beer or be drunk by the time the 3rd hole comes around like i was last night. i'm hoping that by staying relatively sober i'll have a better game in terms of distance and accuracy.
of course when that doesnt happen and the game goes to the shitter, i'll be drinking beer.
golfed ok. i had a few good long straight shots for a change. doesnt happen very often. some of my other shots were wonky, crooked, stubby, and went nowhere. there were times i wanted to throw my clubs. refrained, only because we were in the company of good friends.
after 9, we sat at the 19th hole and had a couple pints on the deck and plotted out what we'd do this weekend. see, everyone else is out in cypress hills camping. those people with kids and trailers and altho they're fun, we're not part of that, so we are here. but we sat there last night and figured we'd better do something this weekend and do something fun. the first thought was to go out to cypress but ks kyboshed it. just as well. he said he didnt want to drive for 2 hrs. dont blame him. heads were scratched and put together and we figured we'd try to go and do 18 today.
so we are off to cottonwood to attempt 18. i'm not exactly feeling it. probably because i'm kind of a niner girl and once i hit about the 14th, my interest wanes. however, this time i'm intending to not drink nearly as much beer or be drunk by the time the 3rd hole comes around like i was last night. i'm hoping that by staying relatively sober i'll have a better game in terms of distance and accuracy.
of course when that doesnt happen and the game goes to the shitter, i'll be drinking beer.
Friday, August 06, 2010
morning workouts
much, much better.
did legs today. the bsmt was quiet, save 2 guys down there sweating it out. one of them wasnt wearing shoes. well, okaaaaaaaay, whatever floats your boat, but really...i suppose that dropping a weight on your foot with or without shoes would kill, but shoes give the *imagined* notion of protection.
at one point, one of the guys interrupted my set on the cable to take a 25lb weight away which was propped against the machine. uhm, there are plenty of other ones laying around the fucking gym. i'm pretty sure that one specific weight was NOT the solitary one in the entire basement. and even if he did leave it there, could he not have waited until i was done before interrupting me? he later came up to me and wanted to know if he could share a set on the leg extension machine. i was done at that point and told him to just have at 'er. really, when i'm at the gym, i just wait for someone to be finished. i'll go and do other things rather than talk to someone, or i'll go to a different area of the gym to see if a similar machine is unoccupied. hey, i'm an introvert...i'd rather avoid contact at all costs.
really, the workout interruptions fucking piss me off, big time. the other day i was in there, a lady walked in and as she did, i saw her looking at me. and it was in the way that only other women reserve for each other, the oh i wonder what SHE is doing and look at her and the appraisal up and down to ensure you're not the ugliest/fattest/whatever look. i'm sure i've done it (which i feel embarassed to admit), and have been on the reciprocating end of it too. so i continue on with my workout and she fucking decides to take the bench next to me, but not without interrupting my shoulder set to ask if the bench beside me is taken. fuck off, what do i look like? the gym coordinator? get lost. so then like a complete idiot, i indulge her and answer and then being a stupid lout, stop my set and try to move my bench over so she has room. fuck that! in the future, i'm staying put, regardless of how close my fucking bench is. and before anyone gets freaky on me, there were 5 other unoccupied benches down there, so she did NOT have to fucking interrupt me.
i can not wait till september starts and the school kids are out of there. it's day camp at the Y so that means oodles of small kids running amock in the change room, too. it makes me want to inquire about upgrading my membership to the fit club level so that i can be in a locker room which isnt occupied by the general public and i can keep my shit there if so desired because they'll assign me a permanent locker. sooooo incredibly tempted to switch over, but aside from the quieter locker room, there isnt much of a difference. they have a hot tub there, but i'd never sit in it, seeing as they have had signs posted which say ''do not shave your legs in the hot tub"....GROSS. who would do that??
anyway, the kids have been all over the lockerroom and there are days when i just want to growl at them and tell them to get the fuck out of the way. i just avoid eye contact, keep the earbuds in, and hope they wont talk to me. some try because i have an armband ipod, but most just do their thing. the floor is constantly wet and there are always towels everywhere and i find i get at my limit of patience, but just keep remembering that there are only a few weeks left and the little asswipes are gone. buh-bye, no more day camps, you bastards.
yesterday a clearly mentally challenged kid came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, "what's wrong with your forehead?" she saw my mole there and didnt know what it was. i was irritated. yes, i know it's ugly and what not, but it's always been there and i never think too much about it. so i just looked at her and said "nothing" and continued on. it was at that moment where i wanted to say something really snarky or ignore her, but i couldnt. oh but i wanted to.
today's morning work out was good. i felt GOOD to be leaving there and know i have the whole day ahead of me to do whatever. what will i do? likely i'll procrastinate...what a waste.
did legs today. the bsmt was quiet, save 2 guys down there sweating it out. one of them wasnt wearing shoes. well, okaaaaaaaay, whatever floats your boat, but really...i suppose that dropping a weight on your foot with or without shoes would kill, but shoes give the *imagined* notion of protection.
at one point, one of the guys interrupted my set on the cable to take a 25lb weight away which was propped against the machine. uhm, there are plenty of other ones laying around the fucking gym. i'm pretty sure that one specific weight was NOT the solitary one in the entire basement. and even if he did leave it there, could he not have waited until i was done before interrupting me? he later came up to me and wanted to know if he could share a set on the leg extension machine. i was done at that point and told him to just have at 'er. really, when i'm at the gym, i just wait for someone to be finished. i'll go and do other things rather than talk to someone, or i'll go to a different area of the gym to see if a similar machine is unoccupied. hey, i'm an introvert...i'd rather avoid contact at all costs.
really, the workout interruptions fucking piss me off, big time. the other day i was in there, a lady walked in and as she did, i saw her looking at me. and it was in the way that only other women reserve for each other, the oh i wonder what SHE is doing and look at her and the appraisal up and down to ensure you're not the ugliest/fattest/whatever look. i'm sure i've done it (which i feel embarassed to admit), and have been on the reciprocating end of it too. so i continue on with my workout and she fucking decides to take the bench next to me, but not without interrupting my shoulder set to ask if the bench beside me is taken. fuck off, what do i look like? the gym coordinator? get lost. so then like a complete idiot, i indulge her and answer and then being a stupid lout, stop my set and try to move my bench over so she has room. fuck that! in the future, i'm staying put, regardless of how close my fucking bench is. and before anyone gets freaky on me, there were 5 other unoccupied benches down there, so she did NOT have to fucking interrupt me.
i can not wait till september starts and the school kids are out of there. it's day camp at the Y so that means oodles of small kids running amock in the change room, too. it makes me want to inquire about upgrading my membership to the fit club level so that i can be in a locker room which isnt occupied by the general public and i can keep my shit there if so desired because they'll assign me a permanent locker. sooooo incredibly tempted to switch over, but aside from the quieter locker room, there isnt much of a difference. they have a hot tub there, but i'd never sit in it, seeing as they have had signs posted which say ''do not shave your legs in the hot tub"....GROSS. who would do that??
anyway, the kids have been all over the lockerroom and there are days when i just want to growl at them and tell them to get the fuck out of the way. i just avoid eye contact, keep the earbuds in, and hope they wont talk to me. some try because i have an armband ipod, but most just do their thing. the floor is constantly wet and there are always towels everywhere and i find i get at my limit of patience, but just keep remembering that there are only a few weeks left and the little asswipes are gone. buh-bye, no more day camps, you bastards.
yesterday a clearly mentally challenged kid came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, "what's wrong with your forehead?" she saw my mole there and didnt know what it was. i was irritated. yes, i know it's ugly and what not, but it's always been there and i never think too much about it. so i just looked at her and said "nothing" and continued on. it was at that moment where i wanted to say something really snarky or ignore her, but i couldnt. oh but i wanted to.
today's morning work out was good. i felt GOOD to be leaving there and know i have the whole day ahead of me to do whatever. what will i do? likely i'll procrastinate...what a waste.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
fought the urge
...tonight to go out and get chips or ice cream or chocolate. i'm proud of myself.
today i kept it pretty well between the ditches and bitches in terms of eating. yes, i did have some "unclean" food, notably the 100cal thinsation pretzels and the single serving of brown uncle ben's rice, alongside the tsp of light peanut butter, soy sauce, and hoisin i used to stir fry veggies, but other than that, i kept it all to a minimum.
i'm proud of myself.
it's legs tomorrow...no squats or lunges. my knees are doing much better but occasionally in yoga they'll twinge when we do lightning bolt pose or eagle (which i hate). they still creak and groan up the stairs, but i can at least get off the couch without feeling as if i should be on crutches.
baby steps...
today i kept it pretty well between the ditches and bitches in terms of eating. yes, i did have some "unclean" food, notably the 100cal thinsation pretzels and the single serving of brown uncle ben's rice, alongside the tsp of light peanut butter, soy sauce, and hoisin i used to stir fry veggies, but other than that, i kept it all to a minimum.
i'm proud of myself.
it's legs tomorrow...no squats or lunges. my knees are doing much better but occasionally in yoga they'll twinge when we do lightning bolt pose or eagle (which i hate). they still creak and groan up the stairs, but i can at least get off the couch without feeling as if i should be on crutches.
baby steps...
more movies
i forgot to add the movies i had purchased when the movie gallery down the street closed in june...
- The Good Night. i saw this one back in 2008 and liked it. quirky and good and there is one scene where you will literally jump. music inside is awesome, courtesy of signaldrift.
- Risky Business. do you know that despite growing up in the 80's, i havent really watched a lot of 80's flicks? this is one of them.
- The Wackness. one of the olsen twins is in this one and received some acclaim for it. dont know much else about the movie tho. it could be a dud, but it might not be. for $3 i'm willing to take the risk and see.
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off. i might have originally seen this one in high river in the old theatre back in the 80's. since then i've seen it countless times when it comes on tv. it's a classic. a keeper. (and who knew that matthew broderick could grow up to be so odd looking? i wanted to marry ferris, too, dammit)
- Young Victoria. i'm a fan of emily blunt as well. i loved her in The Devil Wears Prada. i had heard she was good in this flick, too. looking forward to seeing it.
- About a Boy. seen it years ago, but dont remember it.
- the Holiday. kate winslet's in this one...seen it in the theatre and on the free movie channel. a good distraction from reality.
- Grey Gardens. i loved watching this on tv.
- Bounce. never have seen it but it's a gwyneth flick...is there a trend going on? ;)
- Death at a Funeral. dont know anything about it, but figured i'd give it a whirl.
the reader
i went to the library the other day and finally got a card. i love it there and want to do more things at it...i'm thinking i wouldnt mind volunteering in some capacity a couple hours a week...even if it is something like shelving books or mindless tasks. just something to get me out of the house and make me feel as if i'm contributing somehow.
while i was there, i took out a paul mccartney cd and a book. i'm not a paul fan, truthfully. i dont mind some of his stuff, but i'm not a die hard, so one or two songs are ok and then i'm moving on. i got the cd for ch in hopes he'd just burn it to his laptop and then add the songs to his ipod. our musical tastes do not merge, ever, so needless to say, he's a big fan.
the book i got out was called "all in one place". big mistake. i had picked it up hoping to have a quick diversion from nelson demille's "the lion's game". i started the book the other day after having found a pristine unopened paperback copy of it at value village for $3.99. i picked up the book because i enjoy reading his main character smartass john corey and have been managing to get through most of it, but needed a small break. i'll get back on it and finish it this weekend, most likely.
anyway, i had picked up the other book and didnt realise it was an inspirational book. dun dun dunnnnn. hate those. too judgy and goddy and just intolerable with the preaching and comments and suggestions. had i known it was one of "those" books i wouldnt have taken it out.
i read it entirely tonight, despite being offended by bible verses and prostheletizing. yes, it was a diverseion...now, please, can i get back to swearing and sex in "the lion's game"?
while i was there, i took out a paul mccartney cd and a book. i'm not a paul fan, truthfully. i dont mind some of his stuff, but i'm not a die hard, so one or two songs are ok and then i'm moving on. i got the cd for ch in hopes he'd just burn it to his laptop and then add the songs to his ipod. our musical tastes do not merge, ever, so needless to say, he's a big fan.
the book i got out was called "all in one place". big mistake. i had picked it up hoping to have a quick diversion from nelson demille's "the lion's game". i started the book the other day after having found a pristine unopened paperback copy of it at value village for $3.99. i picked up the book because i enjoy reading his main character smartass john corey and have been managing to get through most of it, but needed a small break. i'll get back on it and finish it this weekend, most likely.
anyway, i had picked up the other book and didnt realise it was an inspirational book. dun dun dunnnnn. hate those. too judgy and goddy and just intolerable with the preaching and comments and suggestions. had i known it was one of "those" books i wouldnt have taken it out.
i read it entirely tonight, despite being offended by bible verses and prostheletizing. yes, it was a diverseion...now, please, can i get back to swearing and sex in "the lion's game"?
FML
so i was in the gym yesterday working it out. i was on the pec dec taking a break between sets when this guy walked in. i've seen him around before because he is fairly beefy and not hard to look at and is probably the biggest juicehead in the steroid room i work out in.
so i'm sitting there taking a brief rest before resuming my sets and he comes up and starts talking to me. i'm not there to socialize. i have my earphones in and music cranked and generally i avoid eye contact. i am not there to make friends and influence people, i'm there to work out. and yes, having friends is always nice, but i'm not on the market to seek friends, especially of the male persuasion, thanks.
this guy starts talking to me and i have to say "pardon me?" because i have the earphones in. i rip them out and he starts asking me what i'm doing and working on and whether he can work out with me. at first i thought he was referring to using the pec dec, but he meant that he wanted to work out WITH me. oooooh, i seeeeeee. so then i said that i was almost done and ready to go for a run (which was true) and was kind of panicked because i'm not wanting a male friend who has other intents (and i'm not being conceited but why else would a guy suddenly strike up a conversation at a gym, other than for fucking?). so then he asks me if i can make a work out for him and i kind of laugh and look at his bulging biceps and tell him that i think it looks to me as if he has it all under control. we make idle chat with him telling me that i should eat a lot of eggs and run in the mornings instead of the afternoon, advice i didnt solicit, but appreciated nonetheless, and then we parted ways. more like, i quickly finished my set and took off out of there and tried to run off the anxiety i felt over having this brief conversation.
today i went earlier to the gym specifically to avoid him. i did my workout in the upper part of the gym, and seeing as it was abs, it was ok. i can do my shit up there without being in the juicehead section and while i was there, did cardio as well. well, wouldnt you know...i forgot my workout book at the cardio machine and had to go back to retrieve it on the way out...and fucking ran right into that juicer again. so then he says ''where have you been? why didnt you wait for me?" and i'm thinking WOAH, BUDDY because it hasnt ever been established that we are workout partners. so i just brushed it off and told him i did abs and wouldnt you know, he's doing abs too, but at least i was on the way out and not in, otherwise i'd be saddled with a workout partner i didnt ask to have.
i'm at this quandry which really isnt a quandry, but it's more of an uncomfortable situation i didnt ask for. i really dont want to be fucking talking to anyone and i really dont need a workout buddy who seems more intent on undressing me with his eyes. and yes, it would be neat to have someone who is clearly interested in fitness working out with me and motivating me and perhaps finding new things to do, but when it's a guy....well, i just have issues with that. and it's not like i dont trust myself, but i really dont trust other men and their intentions. he's not looking for a friend in my opinion, he's looking for a date. and i really hate that awkward conversation about being taken and i wonder how soon i have to interject it into this new relationship i havent asked for.
by all rights, he's probably really nice, but i dont want another friend. i'd prefer to get in the gym, do as i want, and leave. and i really dont want to have to switch up my time to do it...even tho i've been contemplating going to the gym in the am's now because it does seem to eat up the rest of my afternoons...
anyway, it's just another annoying development and makes me wish (only momentarily) that i was back at the women's only place where there was no bullshit (except for girl shit).
so i'm sitting there taking a brief rest before resuming my sets and he comes up and starts talking to me. i'm not there to socialize. i have my earphones in and music cranked and generally i avoid eye contact. i am not there to make friends and influence people, i'm there to work out. and yes, having friends is always nice, but i'm not on the market to seek friends, especially of the male persuasion, thanks.
this guy starts talking to me and i have to say "pardon me?" because i have the earphones in. i rip them out and he starts asking me what i'm doing and working on and whether he can work out with me. at first i thought he was referring to using the pec dec, but he meant that he wanted to work out WITH me. oooooh, i seeeeeee. so then i said that i was almost done and ready to go for a run (which was true) and was kind of panicked because i'm not wanting a male friend who has other intents (and i'm not being conceited but why else would a guy suddenly strike up a conversation at a gym, other than for fucking?). so then he asks me if i can make a work out for him and i kind of laugh and look at his bulging biceps and tell him that i think it looks to me as if he has it all under control. we make idle chat with him telling me that i should eat a lot of eggs and run in the mornings instead of the afternoon, advice i didnt solicit, but appreciated nonetheless, and then we parted ways. more like, i quickly finished my set and took off out of there and tried to run off the anxiety i felt over having this brief conversation.
today i went earlier to the gym specifically to avoid him. i did my workout in the upper part of the gym, and seeing as it was abs, it was ok. i can do my shit up there without being in the juicehead section and while i was there, did cardio as well. well, wouldnt you know...i forgot my workout book at the cardio machine and had to go back to retrieve it on the way out...and fucking ran right into that juicer again. so then he says ''where have you been? why didnt you wait for me?" and i'm thinking WOAH, BUDDY because it hasnt ever been established that we are workout partners. so i just brushed it off and told him i did abs and wouldnt you know, he's doing abs too, but at least i was on the way out and not in, otherwise i'd be saddled with a workout partner i didnt ask to have.
i'm at this quandry which really isnt a quandry, but it's more of an uncomfortable situation i didnt ask for. i really dont want to be fucking talking to anyone and i really dont need a workout buddy who seems more intent on undressing me with his eyes. and yes, it would be neat to have someone who is clearly interested in fitness working out with me and motivating me and perhaps finding new things to do, but when it's a guy....well, i just have issues with that. and it's not like i dont trust myself, but i really dont trust other men and their intentions. he's not looking for a friend in my opinion, he's looking for a date. and i really hate that awkward conversation about being taken and i wonder how soon i have to interject it into this new relationship i havent asked for.
by all rights, he's probably really nice, but i dont want another friend. i'd prefer to get in the gym, do as i want, and leave. and i really dont want to have to switch up my time to do it...even tho i've been contemplating going to the gym in the am's now because it does seem to eat up the rest of my afternoons...
anyway, it's just another annoying development and makes me wish (only momentarily) that i was back at the women's only place where there was no bullshit (except for girl shit).
itchy
i'm itchin to go somewhere. i've always had an itch to hit the mountains and go hiking. never do it, never make any efforts to, but want to.
this year i've been nagging ch to do something. i'm so sick and tired of sitting here every weekend and either spending it on the couch doing shit all or in the pub. why cant we get out and have a change of scenery, for crying out loud??
i really want to get back out to cypress this year. in fact, quite a few of our friends are going out to camp for the weekend and i think it would be awesome if we could go along, too. gg hinted at it, but ch shrugged it off, much to my dismay.
during one of our drunken talks, which is also known as ass talking, ch thought that we should get a small older motorhome so that we could go places without having to sleep on the ground. i jumped all over that idea. i think it would be fucking awesome...in fact, gg has just got himself a new trailer, so he's going to be looking to getting rid of his motorhome. so while we were talking, ch said that we should possibly buy gg's motorhome and then we could go places like elkwater and out to kin campout and rest comfortably and not have to worry about the possibility of rain or cold. i got really excited about that, thinking of everything we could do while we had such a thing...going camping out near the farm, going to bc in it, and hell, even going to gas city campground to spend a night.
but of course like everything else, it's all talk. we wont get that stupid motorhome. instead i'll sit here and ignore the itch i have to go, go, go and we will waste away weekends on the couch or in the pub. sigh.
this year i've been nagging ch to do something. i'm so sick and tired of sitting here every weekend and either spending it on the couch doing shit all or in the pub. why cant we get out and have a change of scenery, for crying out loud??
i really want to get back out to cypress this year. in fact, quite a few of our friends are going out to camp for the weekend and i think it would be awesome if we could go along, too. gg hinted at it, but ch shrugged it off, much to my dismay.
during one of our drunken talks, which is also known as ass talking, ch thought that we should get a small older motorhome so that we could go places without having to sleep on the ground. i jumped all over that idea. i think it would be fucking awesome...in fact, gg has just got himself a new trailer, so he's going to be looking to getting rid of his motorhome. so while we were talking, ch said that we should possibly buy gg's motorhome and then we could go places like elkwater and out to kin campout and rest comfortably and not have to worry about the possibility of rain or cold. i got really excited about that, thinking of everything we could do while we had such a thing...going camping out near the farm, going to bc in it, and hell, even going to gas city campground to spend a night.
but of course like everything else, it's all talk. we wont get that stupid motorhome. instead i'll sit here and ignore the itch i have to go, go, go and we will waste away weekends on the couch or in the pub. sigh.
working it all out
i'm back at the gym trying to go hard. my clothes do not fit and i'm feeling like such a lard ass. i hate it. and the crazy thing is that i'm really good at breakfast and lunch and eating clean but as soon as dinner time hits then i'm off the rails. i know that 90% of my weight gain is from beer and whatever goes along with it. hey, i can do the exercising and for the most part can eat clean, but i come right unglued whenever i drink beer. the thing is that i cant ever quite get away from it. there's always something going on, someone's going out and wants you along, or it's in the house. and there are days like yesterday where i came home from a great workout, hit movie gallery, and the library and did what i wanted to do, and didnt want the emotional high to end. many many beer later, i'm eating fucking cheese and crackers without abandon and generally hating myself in the morning.
why the fuck is it that i'm fucking putting in the effort everywhere else but half assing it in my diet?? that pisses me off.
most folks out there can eat whatever and exercise and maintain. i cant. i can exercise until i'm red in the face, bag myself out, run and shit, but still gain or maintain weight without losing a god damned inch. why? DIET. if i was religiously journalling (which i'm not) then i know i would succeed. i probably also need to boost up the cardio and stick to it. i've got a bike...why in the fuck am i not riding it as much as i can while i can?? saddle sores cant and shouldnt deter me either.
i've got that stupid trip to cancun with the inlaws in december which i need to put in front of me and remind myself that i've got to work hard to look good. those judgy cunts are always critical, so i need to work hard to look good, or better than i do now. ideally it would be so awesome to eat clean and reap the rewards of working hard and not be flabby come december.
i've been tossing around the idea of doing P90X. i've seen the infomercials and been wondering if it's something i could do. of course it means doing it at home and trying to find the space and time to do it in. scratch that: i have time, i just need to MAKE time. anyway, they claim that if you follow their workouts etc, you'll look different come 90 days from when you started. i'm intrigued. there's part of me that wants to try it and just see how i'd change, or if i'd change at all.
of course i wont give up my Y membership because i do like it there and enjoy that i can do my own thing and feel as if i'm kicking my own ass. i'd just like to take it up a notch is all...
why the fuck is it that i'm fucking putting in the effort everywhere else but half assing it in my diet?? that pisses me off.
most folks out there can eat whatever and exercise and maintain. i cant. i can exercise until i'm red in the face, bag myself out, run and shit, but still gain or maintain weight without losing a god damned inch. why? DIET. if i was religiously journalling (which i'm not) then i know i would succeed. i probably also need to boost up the cardio and stick to it. i've got a bike...why in the fuck am i not riding it as much as i can while i can?? saddle sores cant and shouldnt deter me either.
i've got that stupid trip to cancun with the inlaws in december which i need to put in front of me and remind myself that i've got to work hard to look good. those judgy cunts are always critical, so i need to work hard to look good, or better than i do now. ideally it would be so awesome to eat clean and reap the rewards of working hard and not be flabby come december.
i've been tossing around the idea of doing P90X. i've seen the infomercials and been wondering if it's something i could do. of course it means doing it at home and trying to find the space and time to do it in. scratch that: i have time, i just need to MAKE time. anyway, they claim that if you follow their workouts etc, you'll look different come 90 days from when you started. i'm intrigued. there's part of me that wants to try it and just see how i'd change, or if i'd change at all.
of course i wont give up my Y membership because i do like it there and enjoy that i can do my own thing and feel as if i'm kicking my own ass. i'd just like to take it up a notch is all...
super sale!
yesterday i hit up movie gallery since they're closing out and have most of their movies on for $3 or less.
i walked out with 29 titles for $45.00. i got the following:
i walked out with 29 titles for $45.00. i got the following:
- Fahrenheit 9/11. altho i've seen this movie countless times, i enjoy it and the idea that the government was behind that fuckery.
- Marie Antoinette. i like kiki dunst, she's a good actress and rarely makes poor choices. even if she does, i find her compelling to watch (much like michelle williams, julia roberts, gwyneth paltrow, cate blanchette, tilda swinton, and julianne moore). MA was also kind of a cool chick, too.
- Me Without You. an 80's inspired flick with michelle williams. i think i might have seen it, but cant remember
- Rocky Balboa. i dont like the rocky movies. they're all the same, but this is the final one and ch owns the box set. this purchase was solely for him.
- Little Miss Sunshine. watched this previously but dont remember it too well. i know it got glowing reviews. i think greg kinnear is in it and i like his stuff too
- Revolutionary Road. read the book, found it gloomy, but love seeing kate winslet and leo dicaprio on screen. add them to actors i enjoy watching.
- Spanglish. liked this movie when it came out. loved the vapid character tea leoni played, even tho she was a bitch from hell.
- Proof. havent ever seen it but gwyneth is in it so i bought it.
- The Reader. seen it, liked it, and bought it because i enjoy kate winslet.
- The Express. never seen it, was intrigued.
- Vanilla Sky. loved this movie. even tho tom cruise is quite annoying and has self destructed his own image, i really enjoyed watching it. glad i own it because it's one i'd watch often. i've been craving to watch it, actually.
- King of California. i watched this once and liked it. i like evan rachel wood, who plays michael douglas' daughter. they break into a fucking costco.
- The Upside of Anger. i relate to this movie only because it seems to be on tv quite a bit and i'll watch it every time it is. i love it. i dont know why but i do.
- The Cooler. great movie
- Rachel Getting Married. anne hathaway got quite a bit of praise and to-do over her role in this movie. i watched it once and enjoyed it and would like to see it again.
- Away We Go. didnt mind this movie. picked it up on impulse and have to sit down and pay full attention to it. the only time i did watch it, i was bombarded by bbm texts and therefore, distracted.
- Sunshine Cleaning. enjoyed this one. will be happy to watch it again.
- Notes on a Scandal. i remember renting this one once during one of the 17 weeks of hell and locking myself away in the bedroom and enjoying this one immensely. cant wait to do it again.
- Summer of Sam. i've watched this one before and liked it. i also enjoy mira sorvino on screen as well.
- Little Children. i've never seen this one but it has kate winslet in it and she can do no wrong. i saw an ad for it on tv once and thought i'd better tune in to see it and then forgot about it completely.
- SNL's Best of Mike Meyers. party on, garth!
- Running With Scissors. i love this movie. i've read most of augusten burroughs' books. he's fucking hilarious. so is this movie.
- Closer. seen this one years ago and dont remember too much about it other than natalie portman being a stripper.
- Elegy. never seen it, was curious because ben kingsley is in it and he's damned good.
- The International. i caught the last 1/2 of this movie once and i really got into it and was sad i missed the beginning. now i can catch up and enjoy it properly.
- Zombieland. i like zombie movies. they are gross and disgusting, but i like 'em. add in woody harrelson and BAM, you've got a kitschy movie. havent seen this one yet, but will.
- The Informant! havent seen it, heard it's funny, and dont mind matt damon, altho i think he's overrated.
- The Soloist. saw this movie with tenille a few months back and liked it. i do like RDJ. he's awesome.
- Julie and Julia. i've seen this movie a few times and read the book. i do like julie. she's a good writer and is interesting...plus, anyone who will rip through a french cookbook and make all the god damned recipes (including the disgusting shit) is a fucking champ in my eyes.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
well said
from http://www.drdaveanddee.com/inlaws.html
(why didnt i follow this advice sooner??? i think i would have ended up being way happier)
In-law problems can be worked out. Here's how to start:
1. Keep your contacts with them to a minimum. Spend as little time with them as possible. Do not invite them over unless it's absolutely necessary. If they want come over and visit, then let them be entertained by your husband and son while you go run an errand, or make yourself scarce somewhere around the house.
2. Your husband needs to be supportive of you. If his parents snub you in any way, it's his responsibility to put a stop to it. They are his parents, so it is best that he speak up. Otherwise, it just gives the in-laws more reason to disapprove of you. His support of you is not being disloyal to his parents. It simply shows his parents that he respects you, and they must as well.
3. Do not invest yourself emotionally in them. Do not hope for a close relationship with them; their actions show it will never happen. Keep reminding yourself that they are the ones with the problem. Do not go out of your way to please them. For example, if it's their birthday, then it is your husband's responsibility to buy the card/gift and send it to them on behalf of both of you.
4. When around them, act pleasant so as not to give them any ammunition with which to use against you. Being pleasant does not mean you allow them to insult you. If they do insult you, shrug it off in a humorous way, then leave the room and busy yourself with something else.
5. You and your husband should see a marriage counselor to obtain guidance on how to strengthen your marriage and cope with specific in-law problems.
(why didnt i follow this advice sooner??? i think i would have ended up being way happier)
In-law problems can be worked out. Here's how to start:
1. Keep your contacts with them to a minimum. Spend as little time with them as possible. Do not invite them over unless it's absolutely necessary. If they want come over and visit, then let them be entertained by your husband and son while you go run an errand, or make yourself scarce somewhere around the house.
2. Your husband needs to be supportive of you. If his parents snub you in any way, it's his responsibility to put a stop to it. They are his parents, so it is best that he speak up. Otherwise, it just gives the in-laws more reason to disapprove of you. His support of you is not being disloyal to his parents. It simply shows his parents that he respects you, and they must as well.
3. Do not invest yourself emotionally in them. Do not hope for a close relationship with them; their actions show it will never happen. Keep reminding yourself that they are the ones with the problem. Do not go out of your way to please them. For example, if it's their birthday, then it is your husband's responsibility to buy the card/gift and send it to them on behalf of both of you.
4. When around them, act pleasant so as not to give them any ammunition with which to use against you. Being pleasant does not mean you allow them to insult you. If they do insult you, shrug it off in a humorous way, then leave the room and busy yourself with something else.
5. You and your husband should see a marriage counselor to obtain guidance on how to strengthen your marriage and cope with specific in-law problems.
gossip mongers
while i'm on the subject...
a month ago the cupboards fell off the wall. they took out 90% of my glassware. there was glass everywhere throughout my kitchen on the floor, cupboards, and in the damndest places like my foot.
while i was in the middle of cleaning the glass (or in media res), the c-sil called. oh she was calling to cry that she had hit a dog. not crying because she hit the dog, but in spite of it because WAAAH, it had wrecked her car. not wrecked to the point of it being undriveable, but wrecked as in ruined the washer fluid reservoir. no words as to how the dog was doing etc, nor any concern, but would you expect any more of her, really?
during that conversation, ch mentioned that our cupboards fell off the wall. little was said to him, including "would you like some help cleaning it up". you'd expect that of her, seeing as we've helped her out of oodles of jams, but it didnt directly affect her so she just stepped OVER us and continued on.
of course that didnt stop her from hanging up the phone and immediately speed dialling her parents to tell them the gossip. god forbid a day go by where she doesnt phone them for some reason or the other and if you have juicier gossip than "oh guess what i did today at skool", then all the better.
not 12 hrs later i got a call. ME, not ch. the fil was on the phone calling me during the afternoon to inquire after the tragedy. didnt call his son, but chose to talk to me. it went ON. i must have explained how it happend 239473489 times and the fuck still had no clue and needed it explained to him. he's done that before when he's called here asking what system ch had for a/v and when i told him sony, he went out and bought hitachi and then said "it would have been nice to know what you had"...like, fuckhead: were you even having the same conversation i was???
anyway, the fucker called here to get the details (which he promptly forgot) and then fucking had to criticise me for how i handled it. first it was that i didnt fucking take pictures of it all (and i really think it was for his own morbid curiousity) and then it was that i threw the cupboards out when i should have kept everything. yeah, right...i should keep shit that has fallen apart in my garage...what, just in case i need it?? right, you cunt. then it was how i handled it and how i should have been threatening to send this issue to the paper....riiiight...i wonder if these are some of the threats that were uttered when the cunty sil was laid off??
regardless, it was pure fuckery and criticism all aimed at me. my therapist said that i should have hung up on him. he's right, i should have. he yammered away and i was fortunate enough to have the builder come to the door, so i didnt have to listen to how wrong i was again.
the long and the short of it is that i want to fucking make up some kind of terrible rumor to see how fast it returns. i'd like to say something to the sil and see how long it takes to get back to us via the inlaws...i'm betting on less than 24hrs.
a month ago the cupboards fell off the wall. they took out 90% of my glassware. there was glass everywhere throughout my kitchen on the floor, cupboards, and in the damndest places like my foot.
while i was in the middle of cleaning the glass (or in media res), the c-sil called. oh she was calling to cry that she had hit a dog. not crying because she hit the dog, but in spite of it because WAAAH, it had wrecked her car. not wrecked to the point of it being undriveable, but wrecked as in ruined the washer fluid reservoir. no words as to how the dog was doing etc, nor any concern, but would you expect any more of her, really?
during that conversation, ch mentioned that our cupboards fell off the wall. little was said to him, including "would you like some help cleaning it up". you'd expect that of her, seeing as we've helped her out of oodles of jams, but it didnt directly affect her so she just stepped OVER us and continued on.
of course that didnt stop her from hanging up the phone and immediately speed dialling her parents to tell them the gossip. god forbid a day go by where she doesnt phone them for some reason or the other and if you have juicier gossip than "oh guess what i did today at skool", then all the better.
not 12 hrs later i got a call. ME, not ch. the fil was on the phone calling me during the afternoon to inquire after the tragedy. didnt call his son, but chose to talk to me. it went ON. i must have explained how it happend 239473489 times and the fuck still had no clue and needed it explained to him. he's done that before when he's called here asking what system ch had for a/v and when i told him sony, he went out and bought hitachi and then said "it would have been nice to know what you had"...like, fuckhead: were you even having the same conversation i was???
anyway, the fucker called here to get the details (which he promptly forgot) and then fucking had to criticise me for how i handled it. first it was that i didnt fucking take pictures of it all (and i really think it was for his own morbid curiousity) and then it was that i threw the cupboards out when i should have kept everything. yeah, right...i should keep shit that has fallen apart in my garage...what, just in case i need it?? right, you cunt. then it was how i handled it and how i should have been threatening to send this issue to the paper....riiiight...i wonder if these are some of the threats that were uttered when the cunty sil was laid off??
regardless, it was pure fuckery and criticism all aimed at me. my therapist said that i should have hung up on him. he's right, i should have. he yammered away and i was fortunate enough to have the builder come to the door, so i didnt have to listen to how wrong i was again.
the long and the short of it is that i want to fucking make up some kind of terrible rumor to see how fast it returns. i'd like to say something to the sil and see how long it takes to get back to us via the inlaws...i'm betting on less than 24hrs.
stupid motherfuckers
so here we are again in the same stead as we were weeks before.
supposedly the sil and her twoooooo kidssssssss you knowwwwwww are coming to yxh tomorrow. of course we dont know that for certain, nor has she told us that. why of COURSE the cunt sil has mentioned that to ch as if it were a certainty. she who is not invited or included in this affair, yet she knows all.
ugh, i hate the machinations of this family. the gossip, the willingness to give up everyone's secrets, the unwillingness to turn the mirror to one's self, and the circling of the fucking wagons the moment there's trouble.
the bil has been going through a phase of being spontaneous, or so the cunty sil says (god, she needs a new nickname). so this has her and the mil and fil pissed because they want details and plans and ironies of all ironies, none of those fucks ever give out their plans, but wait a sec, we're not talking about THEM, we're talking about the bil and HOWDAREYOU point your finger at them. get where i'm going? they're fucking shallow hypocrites. so in the meantime, the other sil is following her husband's directions and being spontaneous too (oh isnt that so cuuuuute?) and she is waiting till the last minute to let ch and i know whether she'll come to yxh. meanwhile, the cunt sil knows it and has basically told ch this as fact, as if she were the one to discuss it personally with the other sil. well, cunty sil has always hated the other sil and has welcomed her to the family in the same manner she's welcomed me (but with less ire and scorn and jealousy) and there's no way that fractured relationship has been repaired in the last 12 years to the point of them suddenly calling one another up and discussing jovial subjects. there's no way and it will never happen. regardless, the c-sil speaks as if it's from god's lips to her ears.
so in the meantime, ch refuses to make any plans for tomorrow because the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids youuuuuuuuu know might be coming. well, i for one, consider that rude. i mean, if you can tell others that you're coming but fail to mention it to the key principle players in the equation, then i think that is incredibly rude. i have no intentions of waiting out the day "just in case". quite frankly, i'm convinced this behaviour isnt an accident, a simple "oh shit, i forgot to email you...i'm dreadfully sorry", but a deliberate action.
my response to this is to be extremely busy. i'm not waiting around for anyone. get me? ANYONE. it's a shame because the kids are cute, but really, i dont owe them 1/9th of my paycheque. oh hell, that was 2 weeks ago. they're done in my mind. but i most certainly do NOT owe their mother or father any of my time either. if you cant tell me your intentions 24hrs out, then fuck you.
oh and in the most hypocritical fashion, the mil and fil intend to sit down with the bil to talk about his latest spontaneous phase. all i can do is laugh. it's clear he's rebelling and they dont like it. of course the c-sil is thrilled because any time the family turns their wrath toward the bil, she's overjoyed and even more self-righteous. so they're going to lecture bil about being spontaneous, when meanwhile 2 weeks ago while we were at the farm the three of them (c-sil, fil, and mil) were in discussions at 19:30 on a friday night trying to rearrange everyone's sleeping arrangements. the aunts and uncles from out of town had all made reservations at various hotels and there the three of them were trying to unarrange them without anyone's permission. the fil approached us and told us that he and the mil would be staying here at our house, which meant displacing other aunts and uncles who had reservations, just so that they could have them all at the c-sil's place.
well, if that isnt rude or spontaneous or downright fucking ignorant, i dont know what is....but call everyone else out on their perceived bullshit you mother fuckers...why not???
supposedly the sil and her twoooooo kidssssssss you knowwwwwww are coming to yxh tomorrow. of course we dont know that for certain, nor has she told us that. why of COURSE the cunt sil has mentioned that to ch as if it were a certainty. she who is not invited or included in this affair, yet she knows all.
ugh, i hate the machinations of this family. the gossip, the willingness to give up everyone's secrets, the unwillingness to turn the mirror to one's self, and the circling of the fucking wagons the moment there's trouble.
the bil has been going through a phase of being spontaneous, or so the cunty sil says (god, she needs a new nickname). so this has her and the mil and fil pissed because they want details and plans and ironies of all ironies, none of those fucks ever give out their plans, but wait a sec, we're not talking about THEM, we're talking about the bil and HOWDAREYOU point your finger at them. get where i'm going? they're fucking shallow hypocrites. so in the meantime, the other sil is following her husband's directions and being spontaneous too (oh isnt that so cuuuuute?) and she is waiting till the last minute to let ch and i know whether she'll come to yxh. meanwhile, the cunt sil knows it and has basically told ch this as fact, as if she were the one to discuss it personally with the other sil. well, cunty sil has always hated the other sil and has welcomed her to the family in the same manner she's welcomed me (but with less ire and scorn and jealousy) and there's no way that fractured relationship has been repaired in the last 12 years to the point of them suddenly calling one another up and discussing jovial subjects. there's no way and it will never happen. regardless, the c-sil speaks as if it's from god's lips to her ears.
so in the meantime, ch refuses to make any plans for tomorrow because the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids youuuuuuuuu know might be coming. well, i for one, consider that rude. i mean, if you can tell others that you're coming but fail to mention it to the key principle players in the equation, then i think that is incredibly rude. i have no intentions of waiting out the day "just in case". quite frankly, i'm convinced this behaviour isnt an accident, a simple "oh shit, i forgot to email you...i'm dreadfully sorry", but a deliberate action.
my response to this is to be extremely busy. i'm not waiting around for anyone. get me? ANYONE. it's a shame because the kids are cute, but really, i dont owe them 1/9th of my paycheque. oh hell, that was 2 weeks ago. they're done in my mind. but i most certainly do NOT owe their mother or father any of my time either. if you cant tell me your intentions 24hrs out, then fuck you.
oh and in the most hypocritical fashion, the mil and fil intend to sit down with the bil to talk about his latest spontaneous phase. all i can do is laugh. it's clear he's rebelling and they dont like it. of course the c-sil is thrilled because any time the family turns their wrath toward the bil, she's overjoyed and even more self-righteous. so they're going to lecture bil about being spontaneous, when meanwhile 2 weeks ago while we were at the farm the three of them (c-sil, fil, and mil) were in discussions at 19:30 on a friday night trying to rearrange everyone's sleeping arrangements. the aunts and uncles from out of town had all made reservations at various hotels and there the three of them were trying to unarrange them without anyone's permission. the fil approached us and told us that he and the mil would be staying here at our house, which meant displacing other aunts and uncles who had reservations, just so that they could have them all at the c-sil's place.
well, if that isnt rude or spontaneous or downright fucking ignorant, i dont know what is....but call everyone else out on their perceived bullshit you mother fuckers...why not???
the farm
we went to the farm on 16-jul-10. spent it with the inlaws and the crazies in the family. it was a good time, but when the mil wasnt insulting me indirectly or the sil wasnt pouting and putting on her "i'm sooooooo self aware" (saying that as she walked around in her decades old shirt and backward baseball cap and her low-slung pony tail--all which were NOT flattering in the least), i was off taking pictures and walking around by myself (which made it a GOOD time).
the farm is quite a pretty place. i found a rock to sit on which faced east and i just sat there and listened to the wind rustle through the grasses and watched the sky darken with the approaching storm and suddenly realised why ch's crazy aunt bernie wants to stay there. it's beautiful. the silence is mesmerising.
here are some of the pics i took while i was walking around:
to all those naysayers (including me)
you were right, jan!
you told me that marigolds re-seed themselves.
proof they do:
you told me that marigolds re-seed themselves.
proof they do:
Monday, July 26, 2010
"i'm nothing if not self aware"
this is the sil's catch phrase. she says it often, usually just after she's scorned someone (who isnt within earshot to defend themselves) and says it loudly.
i heard it uttered friday night as i walked past and i momentarily stopped in my gait (almost did a half shuffle of sorts) and rolled my eyes. of course she didnt see me roll my eyes but i'm sure the hesitation was palpable and observed.
usually the most inept fools are the ones blasting off about how "self aware" they are and how uppitty-uppitty. she's the last mother fucker who'd know how aware she is of things...afterall, she's the one who hasnt changed a thing about herself since high school.
i've got dust bunnies more self aware than she is.
fuck she's stupid.
i heard it uttered friday night as i walked past and i momentarily stopped in my gait (almost did a half shuffle of sorts) and rolled my eyes. of course she didnt see me roll my eyes but i'm sure the hesitation was palpable and observed.
usually the most inept fools are the ones blasting off about how "self aware" they are and how uppitty-uppitty. she's the last mother fucker who'd know how aware she is of things...afterall, she's the one who hasnt changed a thing about herself since high school.
i've got dust bunnies more self aware than she is.
fuck she's stupid.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
disheartening
i think this blog is a god damned boring blog. there's nothing exciting and really, who wants to read about my stupid plants, my dogs, or my god damned dysfunctional inlaws? i kind of feel like just pulling the plug to spare my poor reader (yes, S dropped purposely).
been a while...again
it's been a while since i've been here and it seems the days blast past me and i suddenly wonder how it could possibly be the last third of july. it feels as if the summer is already over. the nights here have been very cold (for yxh that is) and they feel septemberish. there's always a feeling that is in the air around that time of year. i cant quite put my finger on it, but i feel the same sensations around september and have ever since i was a kid. i dont think that first day of school feeling will ever leave, no matter how hard i try to shake it.
so this season has been unusually brutal in that we've had way more wind that we've ever had, which just gets a girl down. and our hot desert days have seemingly deserted us and we've had a hell of a lot more rain that we've had in july in years gone by. and as i mentioned, the nights are cooler than they've been before, too. you just simply can not sit out at night without a jacket. there is definitely a bite in the air.
i'm procrastinating today, so there will be more entries...i have to clean the house, but i just dont have the drive or desire. i know it will come to me eventually.
so this season has been unusually brutal in that we've had way more wind that we've ever had, which just gets a girl down. and our hot desert days have seemingly deserted us and we've had a hell of a lot more rain that we've had in july in years gone by. and as i mentioned, the nights are cooler than they've been before, too. you just simply can not sit out at night without a jacket. there is definitely a bite in the air.
i'm procrastinating today, so there will be more entries...i have to clean the house, but i just dont have the drive or desire. i know it will come to me eventually.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
aloe
my aloe is now recovering after what i figured would be a rocky start to its new home.
i repotted it a few months ago and moved it into its permanent pot and location in front of my south facing livingroom window. i foolishly put in organic material from my compost bucket when i repotted it and for a while there, all the bottom leaves were sagging and pinching themselves off.
i was sure the thing was a goner.
just the other day, i noticed a welcome sight: the asparagus-like shoot rising out of the pot, poised to blossom! obviously the plant is doing fine and has recovered and if it's happy enough to flower, then it has survived that scare!!
i repotted it a few months ago and moved it into its permanent pot and location in front of my south facing livingroom window. i foolishly put in organic material from my compost bucket when i repotted it and for a while there, all the bottom leaves were sagging and pinching themselves off.
i was sure the thing was a goner.
just the other day, i noticed a welcome sight: the asparagus-like shoot rising out of the pot, poised to blossom! obviously the plant is doing fine and has recovered and if it's happy enough to flower, then it has survived that scare!!
can ya dig it?
i've decided that this summer will be the summer i finally finish the gardens in the back. it's been going on for about 3 years running where i've been out there putzing around and cutting back sod and postponing putting brick or some kind of landscape tile between the grass and garden. i've just decided to bite the bullet and do it this year.
i tried starting out spraying the grass last weekend and using a garden hose as a template to design my garden shape. all i'm really looking for is curves to the edges, rather than straight lines. i think curves are my subtle way of saying FU to the inlaws who are squares and rigid.
so i was out there sunday trying to spray lines and didnt get it right. the hose wasnt cooperating and i got more pink paint on it than the grass. i was totally frustrated at the end of it and freehanded the east side.
i started digging sunday as well and that was slow going, mostly because i didnt wet the grass prior to digging. it sure makes a huge difference in lifting up sod if the grass is wet. i did a bit of the west side and figured i'd do the rest later. weather prevented me from actually going to town on it and i didnt get digging until today.
i finished off both sides. it was a bitch tho. i did the west side around 4pm which was really dumb. i was already tired from the gym and hot and sweaty and to undertake that digging was utter bullshit. i waited a few hours and went out about 1hr ago and finished the east side off....it's all done, save the aesthetics. it's not perfect, but a little work here and there will make it much better.
once it's dug out to my liking, i'll be searching for blocks or cement or stones to finish it off. from there i'll hold off on the garden...i just might add a couple more shrubs for the newer areas and will definitely add tulip bulbs and more springy bulbs in the fall this year. i really enjoyed my tulips this year, so i cant wait to bring more into the garden next season. i'm still not sure if i'll mulch it or put bark in there to finish it off. bark etc is unsightly at times and i'll need a shitload of it in order to make it all work. i'm mostly concerned about the weeds in there, so if i do put down bark i'm going to go the environmental route and line newspapers all throughout my garden, wet them, and then cover them with the bark/mulch so that it will hopefully clog out all the weeds.
so that is it...for now tho i'm very tired and worn out...and grateful to be out of the sandflies who were just horrid tonight...today was the first day i've been really affected by them and the first day i've seen them out in 2010, reminding me how much summer here can be a royal pain in the ass.
i tried starting out spraying the grass last weekend and using a garden hose as a template to design my garden shape. all i'm really looking for is curves to the edges, rather than straight lines. i think curves are my subtle way of saying FU to the inlaws who are squares and rigid.
so i was out there sunday trying to spray lines and didnt get it right. the hose wasnt cooperating and i got more pink paint on it than the grass. i was totally frustrated at the end of it and freehanded the east side.
i started digging sunday as well and that was slow going, mostly because i didnt wet the grass prior to digging. it sure makes a huge difference in lifting up sod if the grass is wet. i did a bit of the west side and figured i'd do the rest later. weather prevented me from actually going to town on it and i didnt get digging until today.
i finished off both sides. it was a bitch tho. i did the west side around 4pm which was really dumb. i was already tired from the gym and hot and sweaty and to undertake that digging was utter bullshit. i waited a few hours and went out about 1hr ago and finished the east side off....it's all done, save the aesthetics. it's not perfect, but a little work here and there will make it much better.
once it's dug out to my liking, i'll be searching for blocks or cement or stones to finish it off. from there i'll hold off on the garden...i just might add a couple more shrubs for the newer areas and will definitely add tulip bulbs and more springy bulbs in the fall this year. i really enjoyed my tulips this year, so i cant wait to bring more into the garden next season. i'm still not sure if i'll mulch it or put bark in there to finish it off. bark etc is unsightly at times and i'll need a shitload of it in order to make it all work. i'm mostly concerned about the weeds in there, so if i do put down bark i'm going to go the environmental route and line newspapers all throughout my garden, wet them, and then cover them with the bark/mulch so that it will hopefully clog out all the weeds.
so that is it...for now tho i'm very tired and worn out...and grateful to be out of the sandflies who were just horrid tonight...today was the first day i've been really affected by them and the first day i've seen them out in 2010, reminding me how much summer here can be a royal pain in the ass.
lies, lies, lies
in addendum to the previous post...
i had sent the email to the useless sil a couple weeks ago and it's been radio silence.
ch had been informed that we were taking the kids to the stampede through his sister and heard this all last night.
today ch emailed his brother asking wtf was going on because we hadnt heard and we needed to know. his brother responded and told him that everything would be ok and that they just discussed it "last night", which would have been wed night.
today the fat useless sil phoned here and told ch that she has been much too "busy" to answer emails and my emails got lost in the shuffle of things and that they'd been just discussing it all tonight.
too many fucking LIES, LIES, LIES.
i had sent the email to the useless sil a couple weeks ago and it's been radio silence.
ch had been informed that we were taking the kids to the stampede through his sister and heard this all last night.
today ch emailed his brother asking wtf was going on because we hadnt heard and we needed to know. his brother responded and told him that everything would be ok and that they just discussed it "last night", which would have been wed night.
today the fat useless sil phoned here and told ch that she has been much too "busy" to answer emails and my emails got lost in the shuffle of things and that they'd been just discussing it all tonight.
too many fucking LIES, LIES, LIES.
why is it always so damned complicated?
seriously...
any dealings i've ever had with the inlaws have always resulted in some clusterfuck because none of them can possibly sit back and let people do as they please without injecting their wisdom into the matter.
as mentioned earlier, we had asked the other sil if we could take her kids to the stampede for the day. we never heard anything until yesterday when the other sil stopped in at the shop to see ch and told him that her mom told her that her brother said we're taking the kids. (see? it's already a clusterfuck in just the telling of the story, for fuckssake!!)
so it's obvious there are a few issues going on here, the first being communication. it's really not that hard for someone to return an email and say "yes", "no'', or "go fuck yourself". i think it takes all of 2 minutes and instead of leaving ch and i hanging and angry she was perhaps being a passive aggressive twat, she could very well have emailed us and let us know the answer. we're adults and big kids now: we can take a no. it's possible.
so then of course now the entire family is involved in this 5 hour day, despite it just being ch and i and the kids. now the fil and mil are involved and to this hour, i think ch has talked to the mil at least 2 times today about this. the other sil who isnt remotely involved in anything has talked to us at least 2 or three times now about this bullshit.
it was all shit i was hoping to avoid. if the stupid bil and his wife would have just talked to us instead of yammering to their mom and dad about it, i think this whole day would have been a little less complicated.
and now as it stands, ch wants his sil to look after our dogs so we can make this day possible. i have this feeling that she will suddenly need to be in yyc tues/wed and wont be able to take the dogs, despite telling him earlier that she is returning to yxh monday.
ch also thought that his mom might be around wed and "why dont we just bring her along with us to the stampede?" well, FFS, if that is the case (which fortunately it isnt), i'd just stay home. i have expressed to him more than once now that it would be nice to see the kids without someone else interfering, whether it's the mil, fil, or the other fucking sil...it would be nice to just go and do and be with them and spoil them rotten without someone there taking notes to suggest we're not doing it right. because if there's anything the inlaws are good at, it's fucking taking notes and criticising and yammering about it endlessly.
really, the day should be a pleasant one. ch, me, the kids...i think it could go well. i'm excited. but at this point, i really feel that i dont need the sil tagging along (which is a possibility, as she cant bear to not know all the details) or the mil or fil interfering in some manner. and it wouldnt end there either: we'll never hear the end of how we took them there and how "next year" it will be the sil's turn to do that and since we did it this year, we've somehow started some invisible tradeoff of aunt/uncle time, despite not asking her to participate.
like i said, anything involving these assholes is completely complicated and it gives me a migrane thinking about it.
any dealings i've ever had with the inlaws have always resulted in some clusterfuck because none of them can possibly sit back and let people do as they please without injecting their wisdom into the matter.
as mentioned earlier, we had asked the other sil if we could take her kids to the stampede for the day. we never heard anything until yesterday when the other sil stopped in at the shop to see ch and told him that her mom told her that her brother said we're taking the kids. (see? it's already a clusterfuck in just the telling of the story, for fuckssake!!)
so it's obvious there are a few issues going on here, the first being communication. it's really not that hard for someone to return an email and say "yes", "no'', or "go fuck yourself". i think it takes all of 2 minutes and instead of leaving ch and i hanging and angry she was perhaps being a passive aggressive twat, she could very well have emailed us and let us know the answer. we're adults and big kids now: we can take a no. it's possible.
so then of course now the entire family is involved in this 5 hour day, despite it just being ch and i and the kids. now the fil and mil are involved and to this hour, i think ch has talked to the mil at least 2 times today about this. the other sil who isnt remotely involved in anything has talked to us at least 2 or three times now about this bullshit.
it was all shit i was hoping to avoid. if the stupid bil and his wife would have just talked to us instead of yammering to their mom and dad about it, i think this whole day would have been a little less complicated.
and now as it stands, ch wants his sil to look after our dogs so we can make this day possible. i have this feeling that she will suddenly need to be in yyc tues/wed and wont be able to take the dogs, despite telling him earlier that she is returning to yxh monday.
ch also thought that his mom might be around wed and "why dont we just bring her along with us to the stampede?" well, FFS, if that is the case (which fortunately it isnt), i'd just stay home. i have expressed to him more than once now that it would be nice to see the kids without someone else interfering, whether it's the mil, fil, or the other fucking sil...it would be nice to just go and do and be with them and spoil them rotten without someone there taking notes to suggest we're not doing it right. because if there's anything the inlaws are good at, it's fucking taking notes and criticising and yammering about it endlessly.
really, the day should be a pleasant one. ch, me, the kids...i think it could go well. i'm excited. but at this point, i really feel that i dont need the sil tagging along (which is a possibility, as she cant bear to not know all the details) or the mil or fil interfering in some manner. and it wouldnt end there either: we'll never hear the end of how we took them there and how "next year" it will be the sil's turn to do that and since we did it this year, we've somehow started some invisible tradeoff of aunt/uncle time, despite not asking her to participate.
like i said, anything involving these assholes is completely complicated and it gives me a migrane thinking about it.
Monday, July 05, 2010
been a while
it feels like forever since i've been on here, even tho it's only been a few days.
i'm back at it today at the gym. i'll be heading over there after lunch. lunch today is cucumber sandwiches because ch's crazy aunt dropped off a huge bag of them. wtf do you do with that many cukes?
i've decided that it's arms day mondays, chest and back tuesdays, abs wed, legs thursday, cardio friday. of course this will likely change as things go on.
i'm going to do a full cable day one of these days. really like using the cable machine. so many alternatives and options and i love it.
i'm not exactly thrilled with doing cardio today. actually lately cardio has been a struggle. i think it's because of the emotional eating i'm doing. i also over did it last week with running and ran 2 days in a row, which was a no-no. i could feel my shins quite badly and was limping afterward, due in part to the shoes i was wearing, but also a back to back run isnt necessarily good for me.
i have to get on my bike more often. what's holding me back right now is not being able to find the key to the damned lock. i was just in gtf and found a really neat bike lock and should have bought it. didnt. really dumb. ideally i would like to ride the bike to the gym and back before working out, which would be about a 15 min ride each way and approx 10km total. of course the k's would be longer because i wouldnt be taking the direct route, but would be deeking through and past the golf course and along the river, which adds on a more k's and time.
but yeah, cardio at the gym is boring. i'd almost rather take a class to get my cardio in because i can see where only having the treadmill, elliptical, or stationary bike is going to get old fast. it would be good to do some jacks, burpees, and mountain climbers just to change it up, but i'm not exactly comfortable with just dropping and doing it on the spot unless i can find a quiet corner of the gym.
so today is arms, my favourite day. i've decided that it's the perfect thing to do mondays to get me back into the gym. i think that if i made mondays legs, i'd never go.
i'm back at it today at the gym. i'll be heading over there after lunch. lunch today is cucumber sandwiches because ch's crazy aunt dropped off a huge bag of them. wtf do you do with that many cukes?
i've decided that it's arms day mondays, chest and back tuesdays, abs wed, legs thursday, cardio friday. of course this will likely change as things go on.
i'm going to do a full cable day one of these days. really like using the cable machine. so many alternatives and options and i love it.
i'm not exactly thrilled with doing cardio today. actually lately cardio has been a struggle. i think it's because of the emotional eating i'm doing. i also over did it last week with running and ran 2 days in a row, which was a no-no. i could feel my shins quite badly and was limping afterward, due in part to the shoes i was wearing, but also a back to back run isnt necessarily good for me.
i have to get on my bike more often. what's holding me back right now is not being able to find the key to the damned lock. i was just in gtf and found a really neat bike lock and should have bought it. didnt. really dumb. ideally i would like to ride the bike to the gym and back before working out, which would be about a 15 min ride each way and approx 10km total. of course the k's would be longer because i wouldnt be taking the direct route, but would be deeking through and past the golf course and along the river, which adds on a more k's and time.
but yeah, cardio at the gym is boring. i'd almost rather take a class to get my cardio in because i can see where only having the treadmill, elliptical, or stationary bike is going to get old fast. it would be good to do some jacks, burpees, and mountain climbers just to change it up, but i'm not exactly comfortable with just dropping and doing it on the spot unless i can find a quiet corner of the gym.
so today is arms, my favourite day. i've decided that it's the perfect thing to do mondays to get me back into the gym. i think that if i made mondays legs, i'd never go.
Friday, June 25, 2010
for shame
a line which should be delivered to all my inlaws:
you all feel free to criticise everyone around you, while overlooking the clear flaws of your own family and ignoring the most obvious negative attributes.
FOR SHAME!!
you all feel free to criticise everyone around you, while overlooking the clear flaws of your own family and ignoring the most obvious negative attributes.
FOR SHAME!!
run, run, run
today was my running day. i chose to hit the Y earlier than i usually do because i was up early. ch is at the farm today with the dogs, so i seriously have jackall to do and it's GREAT!
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"it's not my fault!!!"
oh such a common refrain heard in the inlaw family.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
another moron
last wedesday i emailed the fat and useless sil to see if she would object to ch and i taking her sprogs to the stampede in yyc.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
family fuckery
had a message on the phone from ch's crazy aunt bernie on the farm. she calls here once in a while and i never answer it because if i do, you can never get away from the phone. talk-ta-talk-talk-talk. and if you happen to say "would you like to speak to ch?" she will snark at you and say "i wasnt calling to talk to him"....riiiiiight, 99.9999% of all calls from her are for him and messages always start with "hi ch".
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
shit trickles down
i am glad i left heartbreakers. i dont think i'm missing anything. yes, i know that i am a little concerned about losing my cardio, but i think that i can incorporate sprints into my cardio routine or things like jumping jacks and mountain climbers and, yes, even burpees in order to boost what i'm doing.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
legs day
today i worked on the cable machine for legs to check it out.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
- hip adduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip abduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- straight leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- bent leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip flexion on cable (reduced weight to get used to it) 30lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- calf raises 2-25lb dumbbells, 15R, 3S
- leg extension 40lbs, 15R, 3S
- straight leg clean and jerk 12lbs, 15R, 3S (tried it just to see...have to investigate to see if it is actually benefitting my legs or not)
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
Say goodnight and go
Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone
Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Why is it always, always
Goodnight and Go
Goodnight and Go!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
i dont get it
how can a marriage survive when you hate things about the other person?
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
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i just picked up the cat's remains.
i think i'm in a better place than i was this time last week. it took me 2 full days of mourning to feel better. i still dont feel like i can conquer the world, but i am recovering.
i still miss the cat and look for her when i exit the bathroom, or come downstairs to start my day. sometimes i think i see her sitting on the back of the couch or hear her meowing looking for me. i've had to stop myself several times from calling out to her.
now her remains are home and i will put them on my night table beside sid's. i had thought of combining them, but if you knew sid at all, you'd know she'd have NONE of that! anytime tasha would try to jump up and visit her, sid would freak out and hit her until she'd jump down, so i know that there'd be no way she'd rest with tasha's remains.
anyway, i have them home, but not in a capacity i really cherish.
wishing they were still here...
today, in less than an hour, i'm going to put my cat tasha to sleep. we've been together 16 years (almost to the day--nov 25/94) and i've been dreading this day for as long as i've had her.
she's been really skinny for the last 5 months and just sunday i noticed that she's not eating. i tried everything: baby food, cheeze whiz, mooshing up her food, feeding her cooked ground chicken to real chicken, and nothing helped. and just now she went to the water dish and looked longingly into it but didnt drink. tried to navigate around it but wouldnt take a sip. i know that the cat can not last without water.
i couldnt go to the gym today. just couldnt. i decided at 8 that i'd bite the bullet and take her. so tired of the highs and lows. and even at noon today when she ate those few pieces of chicken for the first time since saturday, i started to question my decision. but i had called today at 830 and hoped i could get in early while i still had the courage...no, he's in surgery till noon and always has it scheduled that way. that's ok. but the waiting has been killing me all day. i've been counting down and dreading it, cuddling her, and crying and the hours have slowly ticked down.
so now it's 10 mins before i set out in the jeep and take her. and we're going to go through the same process there of examining her and then me bawling and saying just do it. fuck, death sucks.
ironically it's almost 9 months to the exact day i put sid to sleep. it was feb 19/10, about the same time of day. horrid. i even calculated it on a calendar counter and it said 8 months, 29 days.
and what's even weirder is that the snow is falling much the same way it did when i had sid put to sleep. that's really eerie.
i had a relatively productive day in therapy yesterday. it didnt start out that way, mind you, but by the time we finished, we were circling the idea that i have three separate personalities named wierd, big brother, and essence.
before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD. i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.
wierd is that voice. you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line. it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice. it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others. it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.
i hate wierd. i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass. it has a nasty wake too. maybe even a gutteral sound to it. it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well. wierd lies for its own benefit. in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me. wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations. it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too.
case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time. she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately. something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say. instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right. she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks. in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.
essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be. it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to. it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it. would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends. essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school. essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction. essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person. it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them. essence is who i am.
i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing. bright light which floats above my hand. it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful. it may not look it, but it is.
the final character is big brother. big brother disagrees heartily with wierd. it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence. big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice. it's coming but it is taking time. big brother, god love him, is a head case tho. says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals. big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained. the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother.
wierd provokes big brother and vice versa. when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions.
essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard. occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother. essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh. wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind. eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait. it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore? by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back." instant calm.
i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it.
i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.
i keep feeling pressure to do something about tasha before i go to ORD next weekend.
she's been old and ricketty for a while now. and if you read in older posts, you'll see that i figured 2010 was her year to pass on, not sid's.
so now she's looking ratty, skinny, and occasionally leaves runny poop behind her if she sits. it's gross. i am getting tired of cleaning it off the carpets and floors, always running around after her when she's sitting for any length of time.
there are some mornings i come downstairs to hope that the good lord or mother nature or whatever deity has taken her peacefully in the night. nothing ever comes that easy in dealing with animals, tho. wishful thinking. lately when i've come down, she's sitting in one position looking rather miserable. sad even. i'll go up to her and her face will light up and she will meow and get up and start her day. some days when i come out of the bathroom, she is right there waiting. mostly now, she's downstairs sitting on the couch.
i dont remember her having these poop problems up till about 3 months ago. and YES, i could take her to a vet, but what are they going to do, really? give her medication? really? at 16 or 17?
and of course now that ORD lingers over my head much the same way OGG did. i felt immense pressure to DO something about sid before i left. as it was, mother nature intervened and she worsened till the decision was easier. (not "Easy" easy, but the decision to euthanize her was easier than doing it a few weeks prior)
so yeah, now i've got this stupid ORD trip and i'm worried that ferg might have to deal with the ailing cat on his own. and i think it would be terrible if she slid for the worse and he had to take her in.
i'm going to have to leave him a directive and a credit card number just in case i think.
but fuck, just writing that now makes me sad. fuck these stupid emotions and grey days and sad songs.
turn to grey thoughts.
it's been raining for a few days now and even tho it's nice, i need the sun. i cant help it.
i woke up in a mood today and it would be nice to shake it. i dont think that'll happen tho.
at least ch has kinsmen tonight so i'll be alone with my thoughts for the most part. i may actually get here and post more crap that's not worth reading.
who knows. the day is still young.
this morning i had a dream about sid.
it felt SO incredibly real. she was purring and rubbing against my face and laying beside me. and i knew she was dead, yet i could see her, and so could ch. i remember asking him "can you see her" and he said yes. it was such a strange dream.
of course i woke crying and couldnt get back to sleep. that was 0645. should i be up that early? hell no.
as a result, i've been all sad and on the verge of tears for the last 2 hrs. i know it sounds loony, but i wonder what the cat was trying to tell me...
i figured since it's my bday that i'd list the #1 songs on september 11th from 1972-present day...
1972: Black and White by Three Dog Night
1973: Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy
1974: I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton
1975: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell
1976: (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: I Just Want to Be Your Everything by Andy Gibb
1978: Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey
1979: My Sharona by the Knack
1980: Upside Down by Diana Ross
1981: Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
1982: Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band
1983: Maniac by Michael Sembello
1984: What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner
1985: St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr
1986: Take my Breath Away by Berlin
1987: La Bamba by Los Lobos
1988: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses
1989: Dont Wanna Lose You by Gloria Estefan
1990: (Cant Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson
1991: The Promise of a New Day by Paula Abdul
1992: End of the Road by Boyz II Men
1993: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey
1994: I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men
1995: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring LV
1996: Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix] by Los Del Rio
1997: Honey by Mariah Carey
1998: I Dont Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
1999: Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias
2000: Music by Madonna
2001: I'm Real [Murder Remix] by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
2002: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
2004: Goodies by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo
2005: Gold Digger by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
2006: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell'em
2008: Whatever You Like by TI
2009: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
2010: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna
not only does this list seem exhuastive, but it sure takes me down memory lane!
i've been suffering from my allergies this month. it was like that in august last year, and i'm not sure what might be causing my discomfort, but i'm tired of it.
like last year, claritin failed to work. no matter how much i took, nothing would help. this time around, i've decided to try 2 different medications: aerius and reactine, hoping that one of them will work and i'll stop sneezing and getting an itchy nose etc.
i took "non drowsy" aerius last night. within 1/2 hr my symptoms stopped but i was tired as all hell. couldnt keep my eyes open. i went to bed at SEVEN. yes, seven. and i slept heavily all night long. "non-drowsy" my ass. obviously this is not a medication for day use in my situation.
today i tried reactine, since the other stuff was wearing off. took one pill before my massage at nine and the symptoms held off till i got home and had to take another one. yes, the box says you can take more than 1 pill in 24hrs. the problem with this is that i'm now feeling exceedingly sleepy and it's only bloody 2pm. i dont want to take a stupid nap because i will sleep the entire day away and not be tired enough for bed. this allergy stuff is annoying.
so while i was out cold, i had a dream that i returned to high school. i didnt know which classes i had and the only one i attended was an english lit class. we were supposed to read this book and even tho i read part of it, the words were all jumbled and i couldnt make sense of any of it. i read it over and over again, and still nothing. i remember saying "i need my glasses" during one part of my dream.
then class was over and i had a backpack full of books but no destination. i didnt have a locker and i didnt know my schedule and i was walking around lost looking for someone to tell me where i should be.
i woke up confused and out of it, thanks to aerius...i am going to be so glad when this fucking month is over....
fuck technology sometimes.
i sent a txt to terri the other night telling her that i thought ross was acting a bit creepy and freaking me out. i dont remember sending that text, but obviously i did sometime during the night. and chances are, yes, he was acting freaky. there are times where he's just wierd and odd and gives you vibes that make you feel uncomfortable. evidently he was doing that to me saturday night.
i dont remember typing or sending such a text. today i received it as a forwarded text to ross. so in other words, terri wrote a txt to ross and somehow forwarded my text to her about his creepiness on to it. i got this text in two parts and she was addressing ross in both texts. and then a third one came in once again attaching that message.
like, how fucking hard is it to fucking go into your address book to start new text messages? why must you use old messages to create new ones. it's like getting those ridiculous emails that have been forwarded since the dawn of the internet where you see everyone's email address and the forwards are larger than the text of the message itself.
to be truthful, i'm quite pissed at terri. i mean, it's not hard to start a new message, no matter how old your phone is. what i dont get is why she would forward that message i wrote her onto ross and send it like that.
i confronted her on it and said "uhm, i hink my comment i txted you got forwarded to ross when you were discussing tix"...her response: "Lol, i never got one".
WTF does that even mean? "i never got one"...well no, why should you? you fucking SENT my comment to me AND ross!!!
regardless, i'm fuming because it's just another headache, something said at the end of a late night and now i'm stressing over here wondering if i should apologize to ross or if i should feign ignorance. and then there's terri...obviously she has NO clue what i was trying to say and i really am not in the mood or the business of explaining everything in great detail over a text. i shouldnt have erased the two texts so i could forward them to her and ask why she sent that on, but it's too late....
fuck, all it does is make me very angry at myself for saying anything to anyone about anyone else, whether i'm drunk or sober. and fuck, do i now have to guard my texts and not say anything? as it is i dont save my sent items...so now what? i have to be paranoid that some dimwit is going to forward shit by accident to someone???
i guess it means that i should just SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP and never say anything to anyone about anybody that can come back and bite me in the ass.
i just was following rapscallion and discovered they had 50% off everything in the store this week. they're moving out of downtown, but do you think i was intelligent enough to find out where they're going??? ugh.
anyway, i got 2 flannel shirts (hard to think of in +29C weather): one long sleeved and one short. like em both....i also walked out with 2 tshirts and 3 rings all for $75 after tax.
sweet.
as a "thank you" the sil lent ch her ipod. the pretext is that we can "listen" to the books she has on there. she has "shit my dad says" and wants us to hear it. uhh, fuck you.
am i the only one who finds it incredibly odd that she would full out lend her ipod to us? we're not talking a touch with the books on it, but her ipod with all her music on it. i would never lend my ipod to anyone. not saying that i have things on there, but i'd BURN something to cd and give that cd to a friend or let them come over and download stuff IF THEY WANTED TO; not full on put something on someone and expect them to do it in some imaginary time line.
i doubt we'll ever listen to that shit and her ipod will sit there and collect dust.
and yes, i snooped through it. funny for someone who is so uber judgemental about my music (calling it stuff her "kiiiiiiiiiiids"--at school-- listen to), she has a lot of shit on there her kiiiiiiiiids would listen to. black eyed peas, katy perry, fucking even snoop dog. i laughed when i saw that. she's not cool enough for snoop dizzle dizzle. (like i am, but you get me, right?) of course there is a shitload of CUNTry on there. what a surprise.
i'm on season three, episode 31. usually i watch it on VOD because i never remember which day it's on during the week and i can pause it when i need to because i have a hyper active bladder that just seems to act up when i'm supposed to be concentrating.
sunday i parked my ass on the sofa and was excited to see epi 31 queued up and pressed play. the episode played for about 5 minutes and then stopped. i tried again. same thing. frustrating!! i'm hoping today that it's back and playing properly and IF have time, i'm hopefully going to get to it and see what's going on.
of all the seasons, i really think i liked the first one the best. oh sure, this one is interesting, but season one really did keep me on the edge of the sofa. season two, while it still continued to interest me, didnt really appeal with the stupid sub plot of whats-her-name (the bull lover).
of course i want to see more jason stackhouse....mmmm....jason...and i really want to see more fantasy hookups between eric and sookie. there was one about 2 episodes back that was so hot, i cant wait to see more.
FANGers crossed it works on the VOD.
ch got a call and text from the sil yesterday asking him if he was at work and if so, could he pick her up a bottle of tylenol on the way home? she figures (or most likely has been told) she has strep throat.
as it happens, ch was at home hanging out before golf. he got the texts and came rushing into the bedroom to ask me if we had any and could we give it to her. HELL NO. i wont surrender my stash, especially not to her, and besides, my drug of choice is advil, not tylenol. so he stewed for a bit and then went to shoppers and got it for her. DROVE TO SHOPPERS. GOT IT FOR HER. meanwhile she lives a km from here and is equidistant to shoppers, but stayed home and LET him go out for her.
it really fries me. i can get that maybe asking someone to get something on the way past is better than getting it yourself, i really can. but to sit back and let him leave his house, go to the drugstore, and drop it off for her is BEYOND lazy and if you ask me, way beyond manipulative and devious. like i said, she lives up here and there is NO reason why she couldnt just go herself and do it. i mean, what would she do if ch wasnt around? she'd have to go anyway. i would NEVER sit back and make anyone do my bidding the way she can carelessly do. it's like it's completely ingrained in her to command and expect.
i also love the "do as i say, not as i do" mantra they all live by. we had been up in yyc last month to take the kids to the stampede and she dog sat for us. when we arrived at ch's parents' place, the mil had left a note specifically instructing us which bedroom we should sleep in. it was said without saying it that we had to KEEP OUT of the sil's room. and when i went up there to investigate, the sil had the tv, the alarm clock, the queen bed, all in a room that used to be ch's back when we started dating. somehow she has now usurped his room and we are to stay out of it. so in the meantime while we are being told to stay out, she and the mil came over to let the dogs out and helped themselves to beer out of our fridge and sat and drank it. i know this because my mil told me this in passing and i sarcastically said, 'well OF COURSE you did', because OF COURSE they'd tell you to stay out of something while simultaneously invading your space.
the hypocrisy in this family just irks me something fierce and i think i'm getting to the point where it's going to burst out and i'm going to say something relatively soon. i dont know how much more of it i can take. i long for the day where ch will stand up to all of them and finally say NO.
last night we had a 6:54 tee time to do 9 for the twilight special. only, the special wasnt really a "special" as we ended up paying more than we should have, but whatever.
golfed ok. i had a few good long straight shots for a change. doesnt happen very often. some of my other shots were wonky, crooked, stubby, and went nowhere. there were times i wanted to throw my clubs. refrained, only because we were in the company of good friends.
after 9, we sat at the 19th hole and had a couple pints on the deck and plotted out what we'd do this weekend. see, everyone else is out in cypress hills camping. those people with kids and trailers and altho they're fun, we're not part of that, so we are here. but we sat there last night and figured we'd better do something this weekend and do something fun. the first thought was to go out to cypress but ks kyboshed it. just as well. he said he didnt want to drive for 2 hrs. dont blame him. heads were scratched and put together and we figured we'd try to go and do 18 today.
so we are off to cottonwood to attempt 18. i'm not exactly feeling it. probably because i'm kind of a niner girl and once i hit about the 14th, my interest wanes. however, this time i'm intending to not drink nearly as much beer or be drunk by the time the 3rd hole comes around like i was last night. i'm hoping that by staying relatively sober i'll have a better game in terms of distance and accuracy.
of course when that doesnt happen and the game goes to the shitter, i'll be drinking beer.
much, much better.
did legs today. the bsmt was quiet, save 2 guys down there sweating it out. one of them wasnt wearing shoes. well, okaaaaaaaay, whatever floats your boat, but really...i suppose that dropping a weight on your foot with or without shoes would kill, but shoes give the *imagined* notion of protection.
at one point, one of the guys interrupted my set on the cable to take a 25lb weight away which was propped against the machine. uhm, there are plenty of other ones laying around the fucking gym. i'm pretty sure that one specific weight was NOT the solitary one in the entire basement. and even if he did leave it there, could he not have waited until i was done before interrupting me? he later came up to me and wanted to know if he could share a set on the leg extension machine. i was done at that point and told him to just have at 'er. really, when i'm at the gym, i just wait for someone to be finished. i'll go and do other things rather than talk to someone, or i'll go to a different area of the gym to see if a similar machine is unoccupied. hey, i'm an introvert...i'd rather avoid contact at all costs.
really, the workout interruptions fucking piss me off, big time. the other day i was in there, a lady walked in and as she did, i saw her looking at me. and it was in the way that only other women reserve for each other, the oh i wonder what SHE is doing and look at her and the appraisal up and down to ensure you're not the ugliest/fattest/whatever look. i'm sure i've done it (which i feel embarassed to admit), and have been on the reciprocating end of it too. so i continue on with my workout and she fucking decides to take the bench next to me, but not without interrupting my shoulder set to ask if the bench beside me is taken. fuck off, what do i look like? the gym coordinator? get lost. so then like a complete idiot, i indulge her and answer and then being a stupid lout, stop my set and try to move my bench over so she has room. fuck that! in the future, i'm staying put, regardless of how close my fucking bench is. and before anyone gets freaky on me, there were 5 other unoccupied benches down there, so she did NOT have to fucking interrupt me.
i can not wait till september starts and the school kids are out of there. it's day camp at the Y so that means oodles of small kids running amock in the change room, too. it makes me want to inquire about upgrading my membership to the fit club level so that i can be in a locker room which isnt occupied by the general public and i can keep my shit there if so desired because they'll assign me a permanent locker. sooooo incredibly tempted to switch over, but aside from the quieter locker room, there isnt much of a difference. they have a hot tub there, but i'd never sit in it, seeing as they have had signs posted which say ''do not shave your legs in the hot tub"....GROSS. who would do that??
anyway, the kids have been all over the lockerroom and there are days when i just want to growl at them and tell them to get the fuck out of the way. i just avoid eye contact, keep the earbuds in, and hope they wont talk to me. some try because i have an armband ipod, but most just do their thing. the floor is constantly wet and there are always towels everywhere and i find i get at my limit of patience, but just keep remembering that there are only a few weeks left and the little asswipes are gone. buh-bye, no more day camps, you bastards.
yesterday a clearly mentally challenged kid came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, "what's wrong with your forehead?" she saw my mole there and didnt know what it was. i was irritated. yes, i know it's ugly and what not, but it's always been there and i never think too much about it. so i just looked at her and said "nothing" and continued on. it was at that moment where i wanted to say something really snarky or ignore her, but i couldnt. oh but i wanted to.
today's morning work out was good. i felt GOOD to be leaving there and know i have the whole day ahead of me to do whatever. what will i do? likely i'll procrastinate...what a waste.
...tonight to go out and get chips or ice cream or chocolate. i'm proud of myself.
today i kept it pretty well between the ditches and bitches in terms of eating. yes, i did have some "unclean" food, notably the 100cal thinsation pretzels and the single serving of brown uncle ben's rice, alongside the tsp of light peanut butter, soy sauce, and hoisin i used to stir fry veggies, but other than that, i kept it all to a minimum.
i'm proud of myself.
it's legs tomorrow...no squats or lunges. my knees are doing much better but occasionally in yoga they'll twinge when we do lightning bolt pose or eagle (which i hate). they still creak and groan up the stairs, but i can at least get off the couch without feeling as if i should be on crutches.
baby steps...
i forgot to add the movies i had purchased when the movie gallery down the street closed in june...
- The Good Night. i saw this one back in 2008 and liked it. quirky and good and there is one scene where you will literally jump. music inside is awesome, courtesy of signaldrift.
- Risky Business. do you know that despite growing up in the 80's, i havent really watched a lot of 80's flicks? this is one of them.
- The Wackness. one of the olsen twins is in this one and received some acclaim for it. dont know much else about the movie tho. it could be a dud, but it might not be. for $3 i'm willing to take the risk and see.
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off. i might have originally seen this one in high river in the old theatre back in the 80's. since then i've seen it countless times when it comes on tv. it's a classic. a keeper. (and who knew that matthew broderick could grow up to be so odd looking? i wanted to marry ferris, too, dammit)
- Young Victoria. i'm a fan of emily blunt as well. i loved her in The Devil Wears Prada. i had heard she was good in this flick, too. looking forward to seeing it.
- About a Boy. seen it years ago, but dont remember it.
- the Holiday. kate winslet's in this one...seen it in the theatre and on the free movie channel. a good distraction from reality.
- Grey Gardens. i loved watching this on tv.
- Bounce. never have seen it but it's a gwyneth flick...is there a trend going on? ;)
- Death at a Funeral. dont know anything about it, but figured i'd give it a whirl.
i went to the library the other day and finally got a card. i love it there and want to do more things at it...i'm thinking i wouldnt mind volunteering in some capacity a couple hours a week...even if it is something like shelving books or mindless tasks. just something to get me out of the house and make me feel as if i'm contributing somehow.
while i was there, i took out a paul mccartney cd and a book. i'm not a paul fan, truthfully. i dont mind some of his stuff, but i'm not a die hard, so one or two songs are ok and then i'm moving on. i got the cd for ch in hopes he'd just burn it to his laptop and then add the songs to his ipod. our musical tastes do not merge, ever, so needless to say, he's a big fan.
the book i got out was called "all in one place". big mistake. i had picked it up hoping to have a quick diversion from nelson demille's "the lion's game". i started the book the other day after having found a pristine unopened paperback copy of it at value village for $3.99. i picked up the book because i enjoy reading his main character smartass john corey and have been managing to get through most of it, but needed a small break. i'll get back on it and finish it this weekend, most likely.
anyway, i had picked up the other book and didnt realise it was an inspirational book. dun dun dunnnnn. hate those. too judgy and goddy and just intolerable with the preaching and comments and suggestions. had i known it was one of "those" books i wouldnt have taken it out.
i read it entirely tonight, despite being offended by bible verses and prostheletizing. yes, it was a diverseion...now, please, can i get back to swearing and sex in "the lion's game"?
so i was in the gym yesterday working it out. i was on the pec dec taking a break between sets when this guy walked in. i've seen him around before because he is fairly beefy and not hard to look at and is probably the biggest juicehead in the steroid room i work out in.
so i'm sitting there taking a brief rest before resuming my sets and he comes up and starts talking to me. i'm not there to socialize. i have my earphones in and music cranked and generally i avoid eye contact. i am not there to make friends and influence people, i'm there to work out. and yes, having friends is always nice, but i'm not on the market to seek friends, especially of the male persuasion, thanks.
this guy starts talking to me and i have to say "pardon me?" because i have the earphones in. i rip them out and he starts asking me what i'm doing and working on and whether he can work out with me. at first i thought he was referring to using the pec dec, but he meant that he wanted to work out WITH me. oooooh, i seeeeeee. so then i said that i was almost done and ready to go for a run (which was true) and was kind of panicked because i'm not wanting a male friend who has other intents (and i'm not being conceited but why else would a guy suddenly strike up a conversation at a gym, other than for fucking?). so then he asks me if i can make a work out for him and i kind of laugh and look at his bulging biceps and tell him that i think it looks to me as if he has it all under control. we make idle chat with him telling me that i should eat a lot of eggs and run in the mornings instead of the afternoon, advice i didnt solicit, but appreciated nonetheless, and then we parted ways. more like, i quickly finished my set and took off out of there and tried to run off the anxiety i felt over having this brief conversation.
today i went earlier to the gym specifically to avoid him. i did my workout in the upper part of the gym, and seeing as it was abs, it was ok. i can do my shit up there without being in the juicehead section and while i was there, did cardio as well. well, wouldnt you know...i forgot my workout book at the cardio machine and had to go back to retrieve it on the way out...and fucking ran right into that juicer again. so then he says ''where have you been? why didnt you wait for me?" and i'm thinking WOAH, BUDDY because it hasnt ever been established that we are workout partners. so i just brushed it off and told him i did abs and wouldnt you know, he's doing abs too, but at least i was on the way out and not in, otherwise i'd be saddled with a workout partner i didnt ask to have.
i'm at this quandry which really isnt a quandry, but it's more of an uncomfortable situation i didnt ask for. i really dont want to be fucking talking to anyone and i really dont need a workout buddy who seems more intent on undressing me with his eyes. and yes, it would be neat to have someone who is clearly interested in fitness working out with me and motivating me and perhaps finding new things to do, but when it's a guy....well, i just have issues with that. and it's not like i dont trust myself, but i really dont trust other men and their intentions. he's not looking for a friend in my opinion, he's looking for a date. and i really hate that awkward conversation about being taken and i wonder how soon i have to interject it into this new relationship i havent asked for.
by all rights, he's probably really nice, but i dont want another friend. i'd prefer to get in the gym, do as i want, and leave. and i really dont want to have to switch up my time to do it...even tho i've been contemplating going to the gym in the am's now because it does seem to eat up the rest of my afternoons...
anyway, it's just another annoying development and makes me wish (only momentarily) that i was back at the women's only place where there was no bullshit (except for girl shit).
i'm itchin to go somewhere. i've always had an itch to hit the mountains and go hiking. never do it, never make any efforts to, but want to.
this year i've been nagging ch to do something. i'm so sick and tired of sitting here every weekend and either spending it on the couch doing shit all or in the pub. why cant we get out and have a change of scenery, for crying out loud??
i really want to get back out to cypress this year. in fact, quite a few of our friends are going out to camp for the weekend and i think it would be awesome if we could go along, too. gg hinted at it, but ch shrugged it off, much to my dismay.
during one of our drunken talks, which is also known as ass talking, ch thought that we should get a small older motorhome so that we could go places without having to sleep on the ground. i jumped all over that idea. i think it would be fucking awesome...in fact, gg has just got himself a new trailer, so he's going to be looking to getting rid of his motorhome. so while we were talking, ch said that we should possibly buy gg's motorhome and then we could go places like elkwater and out to kin campout and rest comfortably and not have to worry about the possibility of rain or cold. i got really excited about that, thinking of everything we could do while we had such a thing...going camping out near the farm, going to bc in it, and hell, even going to gas city campground to spend a night.
but of course like everything else, it's all talk. we wont get that stupid motorhome. instead i'll sit here and ignore the itch i have to go, go, go and we will waste away weekends on the couch or in the pub. sigh.
i'm back at the gym trying to go hard. my clothes do not fit and i'm feeling like such a lard ass. i hate it. and the crazy thing is that i'm really good at breakfast and lunch and eating clean but as soon as dinner time hits then i'm off the rails. i know that 90% of my weight gain is from beer and whatever goes along with it. hey, i can do the exercising and for the most part can eat clean, but i come right unglued whenever i drink beer. the thing is that i cant ever quite get away from it. there's always something going on, someone's going out and wants you along, or it's in the house. and there are days like yesterday where i came home from a great workout, hit movie gallery, and the library and did what i wanted to do, and didnt want the emotional high to end. many many beer later, i'm eating fucking cheese and crackers without abandon and generally hating myself in the morning.
why the fuck is it that i'm fucking putting in the effort everywhere else but half assing it in my diet?? that pisses me off.
most folks out there can eat whatever and exercise and maintain. i cant. i can exercise until i'm red in the face, bag myself out, run and shit, but still gain or maintain weight without losing a god damned inch. why? DIET. if i was religiously journalling (which i'm not) then i know i would succeed. i probably also need to boost up the cardio and stick to it. i've got a bike...why in the fuck am i not riding it as much as i can while i can?? saddle sores cant and shouldnt deter me either.
i've got that stupid trip to cancun with the inlaws in december which i need to put in front of me and remind myself that i've got to work hard to look good. those judgy cunts are always critical, so i need to work hard to look good, or better than i do now. ideally it would be so awesome to eat clean and reap the rewards of working hard and not be flabby come december.
i've been tossing around the idea of doing P90X. i've seen the infomercials and been wondering if it's something i could do. of course it means doing it at home and trying to find the space and time to do it in. scratch that: i have time, i just need to MAKE time. anyway, they claim that if you follow their workouts etc, you'll look different come 90 days from when you started. i'm intrigued. there's part of me that wants to try it and just see how i'd change, or if i'd change at all.
of course i wont give up my Y membership because i do like it there and enjoy that i can do my own thing and feel as if i'm kicking my own ass. i'd just like to take it up a notch is all...
yesterday i hit up movie gallery since they're closing out and have most of their movies on for $3 or less.
i walked out with 29 titles for $45.00. i got the following:
- Fahrenheit 9/11. altho i've seen this movie countless times, i enjoy it and the idea that the government was behind that fuckery.
- Marie Antoinette. i like kiki dunst, she's a good actress and rarely makes poor choices. even if she does, i find her compelling to watch (much like michelle williams, julia roberts, gwyneth paltrow, cate blanchette, tilda swinton, and julianne moore). MA was also kind of a cool chick, too.
- Me Without You. an 80's inspired flick with michelle williams. i think i might have seen it, but cant remember
- Rocky Balboa. i dont like the rocky movies. they're all the same, but this is the final one and ch owns the box set. this purchase was solely for him.
- Little Miss Sunshine. watched this previously but dont remember it too well. i know it got glowing reviews. i think greg kinnear is in it and i like his stuff too
- Revolutionary Road. read the book, found it gloomy, but love seeing kate winslet and leo dicaprio on screen. add them to actors i enjoy watching.
- Spanglish. liked this movie when it came out. loved the vapid character tea leoni played, even tho she was a bitch from hell.
- Proof. havent ever seen it but gwyneth is in it so i bought it.
- The Reader. seen it, liked it, and bought it because i enjoy kate winslet.
- The Express. never seen it, was intrigued.
- Vanilla Sky. loved this movie. even tho tom cruise is quite annoying and has self destructed his own image, i really enjoyed watching it. glad i own it because it's one i'd watch often. i've been craving to watch it, actually.
- King of California. i watched this once and liked it. i like evan rachel wood, who plays michael douglas' daughter. they break into a fucking costco.
- The Upside of Anger. i relate to this movie only because it seems to be on tv quite a bit and i'll watch it every time it is. i love it. i dont know why but i do.
- The Cooler. great movie
- Rachel Getting Married. anne hathaway got quite a bit of praise and to-do over her role in this movie. i watched it once and enjoyed it and would like to see it again.
- Away We Go. didnt mind this movie. picked it up on impulse and have to sit down and pay full attention to it. the only time i did watch it, i was bombarded by bbm texts and therefore, distracted.
- Sunshine Cleaning. enjoyed this one. will be happy to watch it again.
- Notes on a Scandal. i remember renting this one once during one of the 17 weeks of hell and locking myself away in the bedroom and enjoying this one immensely. cant wait to do it again.
- Summer of Sam. i've watched this one before and liked it. i also enjoy mira sorvino on screen as well.
- Little Children. i've never seen this one but it has kate winslet in it and she can do no wrong. i saw an ad for it on tv once and thought i'd better tune in to see it and then forgot about it completely.
- SNL's Best of Mike Meyers. party on, garth!
- Running With Scissors. i love this movie. i've read most of augusten burroughs' books. he's fucking hilarious. so is this movie.
- Closer. seen this one years ago and dont remember too much about it other than natalie portman being a stripper.
- Elegy. never seen it, was curious because ben kingsley is in it and he's damned good.
- The International. i caught the last 1/2 of this movie once and i really got into it and was sad i missed the beginning. now i can catch up and enjoy it properly.
- Zombieland. i like zombie movies. they are gross and disgusting, but i like 'em. add in woody harrelson and BAM, you've got a kitschy movie. havent seen this one yet, but will.
- The Informant! havent seen it, heard it's funny, and dont mind matt damon, altho i think he's overrated.
- The Soloist. saw this movie with tenille a few months back and liked it. i do like RDJ. he's awesome.
- Julie and Julia. i've seen this movie a few times and read the book. i do like julie. she's a good writer and is interesting...plus, anyone who will rip through a french cookbook and make all the god damned recipes (including the disgusting shit) is a fucking champ in my eyes.
from http://www.drdaveanddee.com/inlaws.html
(why didnt i follow this advice sooner??? i think i would have ended up being way happier)
In-law problems can be worked out. Here's how to start:
1. Keep your contacts with them to a minimum. Spend as little time with them as possible. Do not invite them over unless it's absolutely necessary. If they want come over and visit, then let them be entertained by your husband and son while you go run an errand, or make yourself scarce somewhere around the house.
2. Your husband needs to be supportive of you. If his parents snub you in any way, it's his responsibility to put a stop to it. They are his parents, so it is best that he speak up. Otherwise, it just gives the in-laws more reason to disapprove of you. His support of you is not being disloyal to his parents. It simply shows his parents that he respects you, and they must as well.
3. Do not invest yourself emotionally in them. Do not hope for a close relationship with them; their actions show it will never happen. Keep reminding yourself that they are the ones with the problem. Do not go out of your way to please them. For example, if it's their birthday, then it is your husband's responsibility to buy the card/gift and send it to them on behalf of both of you.
4. When around them, act pleasant so as not to give them any ammunition with which to use against you. Being pleasant does not mean you allow them to insult you. If they do insult you, shrug it off in a humorous way, then leave the room and busy yourself with something else.
5. You and your husband should see a marriage counselor to obtain guidance on how to strengthen your marriage and cope with specific in-law problems.
while i'm on the subject...
a month ago the cupboards fell off the wall. they took out 90% of my glassware. there was glass everywhere throughout my kitchen on the floor, cupboards, and in the damndest places like my foot.
while i was in the middle of cleaning the glass (or in media res), the c-sil called. oh she was calling to cry that she had hit a dog. not crying because she hit the dog, but in spite of it because WAAAH, it had wrecked her car. not wrecked to the point of it being undriveable, but wrecked as in ruined the washer fluid reservoir. no words as to how the dog was doing etc, nor any concern, but would you expect any more of her, really?
during that conversation, ch mentioned that our cupboards fell off the wall. little was said to him, including "would you like some help cleaning it up". you'd expect that of her, seeing as we've helped her out of oodles of jams, but it didnt directly affect her so she just stepped OVER us and continued on.
of course that didnt stop her from hanging up the phone and immediately speed dialling her parents to tell them the gossip. god forbid a day go by where she doesnt phone them for some reason or the other and if you have juicier gossip than "oh guess what i did today at skool", then all the better.
not 12 hrs later i got a call. ME, not ch. the fil was on the phone calling me during the afternoon to inquire after the tragedy. didnt call his son, but chose to talk to me. it went ON. i must have explained how it happend 239473489 times and the fuck still had no clue and needed it explained to him. he's done that before when he's called here asking what system ch had for a/v and when i told him sony, he went out and bought hitachi and then said "it would have been nice to know what you had"...like, fuckhead: were you even having the same conversation i was???
anyway, the fucker called here to get the details (which he promptly forgot) and then fucking had to criticise me for how i handled it. first it was that i didnt fucking take pictures of it all (and i really think it was for his own morbid curiousity) and then it was that i threw the cupboards out when i should have kept everything. yeah, right...i should keep shit that has fallen apart in my garage...what, just in case i need it?? right, you cunt. then it was how i handled it and how i should have been threatening to send this issue to the paper....riiiight...i wonder if these are some of the threats that were uttered when the cunty sil was laid off??
regardless, it was pure fuckery and criticism all aimed at me. my therapist said that i should have hung up on him. he's right, i should have. he yammered away and i was fortunate enough to have the builder come to the door, so i didnt have to listen to how wrong i was again.
the long and the short of it is that i want to fucking make up some kind of terrible rumor to see how fast it returns. i'd like to say something to the sil and see how long it takes to get back to us via the inlaws...i'm betting on less than 24hrs.
so here we are again in the same stead as we were weeks before.
supposedly the sil and her twoooooo kidssssssss you knowwwwwww are coming to yxh tomorrow. of course we dont know that for certain, nor has she told us that. why of COURSE the cunt sil has mentioned that to ch as if it were a certainty. she who is not invited or included in this affair, yet she knows all.
ugh, i hate the machinations of this family. the gossip, the willingness to give up everyone's secrets, the unwillingness to turn the mirror to one's self, and the circling of the fucking wagons the moment there's trouble.
the bil has been going through a phase of being spontaneous, or so the cunty sil says (god, she needs a new nickname). so this has her and the mil and fil pissed because they want details and plans and ironies of all ironies, none of those fucks ever give out their plans, but wait a sec, we're not talking about THEM, we're talking about the bil and HOWDAREYOU point your finger at them. get where i'm going? they're fucking shallow hypocrites. so in the meantime, the other sil is following her husband's directions and being spontaneous too (oh isnt that so cuuuuute?) and she is waiting till the last minute to let ch and i know whether she'll come to yxh. meanwhile, the cunt sil knows it and has basically told ch this as fact, as if she were the one to discuss it personally with the other sil. well, cunty sil has always hated the other sil and has welcomed her to the family in the same manner she's welcomed me (but with less ire and scorn and jealousy) and there's no way that fractured relationship has been repaired in the last 12 years to the point of them suddenly calling one another up and discussing jovial subjects. there's no way and it will never happen. regardless, the c-sil speaks as if it's from god's lips to her ears.
so in the meantime, ch refuses to make any plans for tomorrow because the twooooooo kiiiiiiiiiiiiiids youuuuuuuuu know might be coming. well, i for one, consider that rude. i mean, if you can tell others that you're coming but fail to mention it to the key principle players in the equation, then i think that is incredibly rude. i have no intentions of waiting out the day "just in case". quite frankly, i'm convinced this behaviour isnt an accident, a simple "oh shit, i forgot to email you...i'm dreadfully sorry", but a deliberate action.
my response to this is to be extremely busy. i'm not waiting around for anyone. get me? ANYONE. it's a shame because the kids are cute, but really, i dont owe them 1/9th of my paycheque. oh hell, that was 2 weeks ago. they're done in my mind. but i most certainly do NOT owe their mother or father any of my time either. if you cant tell me your intentions 24hrs out, then fuck you.
oh and in the most hypocritical fashion, the mil and fil intend to sit down with the bil to talk about his latest spontaneous phase. all i can do is laugh. it's clear he's rebelling and they dont like it. of course the c-sil is thrilled because any time the family turns their wrath toward the bil, she's overjoyed and even more self-righteous. so they're going to lecture bil about being spontaneous, when meanwhile 2 weeks ago while we were at the farm the three of them (c-sil, fil, and mil) were in discussions at 19:30 on a friday night trying to rearrange everyone's sleeping arrangements. the aunts and uncles from out of town had all made reservations at various hotels and there the three of them were trying to unarrange them without anyone's permission. the fil approached us and told us that he and the mil would be staying here at our house, which meant displacing other aunts and uncles who had reservations, just so that they could have them all at the c-sil's place.
well, if that isnt rude or spontaneous or downright fucking ignorant, i dont know what is....but call everyone else out on their perceived bullshit you mother fuckers...why not???
we went to the farm on 16-jul-10. spent it with the inlaws and the crazies in the family. it was a good time, but when the mil wasnt insulting me indirectly or the sil wasnt pouting and putting on her "i'm sooooooo self aware" (saying that as she walked around in her decades old shirt and backward baseball cap and her low-slung pony tail--all which were NOT flattering in the least), i was off taking pictures and walking around by myself (which made it a GOOD time).
the farm is quite a pretty place. i found a rock to sit on which faced east and i just sat there and listened to the wind rustle through the grasses and watched the sky darken with the approaching storm and suddenly realised why ch's crazy aunt bernie wants to stay there. it's beautiful. the silence is mesmerising.
here are some of the pics i took while i was walking around:
this is the sil's catch phrase. she says it often, usually just after she's scorned someone (who isnt within earshot to defend themselves) and says it loudly.
i heard it uttered friday night as i walked past and i momentarily stopped in my gait (almost did a half shuffle of sorts) and rolled my eyes. of course she didnt see me roll my eyes but i'm sure the hesitation was palpable and observed.
usually the most inept fools are the ones blasting off about how "self aware" they are and how uppitty-uppitty. she's the last mother fucker who'd know how aware she is of things...afterall, she's the one who hasnt changed a thing about herself since high school.
i've got dust bunnies more self aware than she is.
fuck she's stupid.
it's been a while since i've been here and it seems the days blast past me and i suddenly wonder how it could possibly be the last third of july. it feels as if the summer is already over. the nights here have been very cold (for yxh that is) and they feel septemberish. there's always a feeling that is in the air around that time of year. i cant quite put my finger on it, but i feel the same sensations around september and have ever since i was a kid. i dont think that first day of school feeling will ever leave, no matter how hard i try to shake it.
so this season has been unusually brutal in that we've had way more wind that we've ever had, which just gets a girl down. and our hot desert days have seemingly deserted us and we've had a hell of a lot more rain that we've had in july in years gone by. and as i mentioned, the nights are cooler than they've been before, too. you just simply can not sit out at night without a jacket. there is definitely a bite in the air.
i'm procrastinating today, so there will be more entries...i have to clean the house, but i just dont have the drive or desire. i know it will come to me eventually.
my aloe is now recovering after what i figured would be a rocky start to its new home.
i repotted it a few months ago and moved it into its permanent pot and location in front of my south facing livingroom window. i foolishly put in organic material from my compost bucket when i repotted it and for a while there, all the bottom leaves were sagging and pinching themselves off.
i was sure the thing was a goner.
just the other day, i noticed a welcome sight: the asparagus-like shoot rising out of the pot, poised to blossom! obviously the plant is doing fine and has recovered and if it's happy enough to flower, then it has survived that scare!!
i've decided that this summer will be the summer i finally finish the gardens in the back. it's been going on for about 3 years running where i've been out there putzing around and cutting back sod and postponing putting brick or some kind of landscape tile between the grass and garden. i've just decided to bite the bullet and do it this year.
i tried starting out spraying the grass last weekend and using a garden hose as a template to design my garden shape. all i'm really looking for is curves to the edges, rather than straight lines. i think curves are my subtle way of saying FU to the inlaws who are squares and rigid.
so i was out there sunday trying to spray lines and didnt get it right. the hose wasnt cooperating and i got more pink paint on it than the grass. i was totally frustrated at the end of it and freehanded the east side.
i started digging sunday as well and that was slow going, mostly because i didnt wet the grass prior to digging. it sure makes a huge difference in lifting up sod if the grass is wet. i did a bit of the west side and figured i'd do the rest later. weather prevented me from actually going to town on it and i didnt get digging until today.
i finished off both sides. it was a bitch tho. i did the west side around 4pm which was really dumb. i was already tired from the gym and hot and sweaty and to undertake that digging was utter bullshit. i waited a few hours and went out about 1hr ago and finished the east side off....it's all done, save the aesthetics. it's not perfect, but a little work here and there will make it much better.
once it's dug out to my liking, i'll be searching for blocks or cement or stones to finish it off. from there i'll hold off on the garden...i just might add a couple more shrubs for the newer areas and will definitely add tulip bulbs and more springy bulbs in the fall this year. i really enjoyed my tulips this year, so i cant wait to bring more into the garden next season. i'm still not sure if i'll mulch it or put bark in there to finish it off. bark etc is unsightly at times and i'll need a shitload of it in order to make it all work. i'm mostly concerned about the weeds in there, so if i do put down bark i'm going to go the environmental route and line newspapers all throughout my garden, wet them, and then cover them with the bark/mulch so that it will hopefully clog out all the weeds.
so that is it...for now tho i'm very tired and worn out...and grateful to be out of the sandflies who were just horrid tonight...today was the first day i've been really affected by them and the first day i've seen them out in 2010, reminding me how much summer here can be a royal pain in the ass.
in addendum to the previous post...
i had sent the email to the useless sil a couple weeks ago and it's been radio silence.
ch had been informed that we were taking the kids to the stampede through his sister and heard this all last night.
today ch emailed his brother asking wtf was going on because we hadnt heard and we needed to know. his brother responded and told him that everything would be ok and that they just discussed it "last night", which would have been wed night.
today the fat useless sil phoned here and told ch that she has been much too "busy" to answer emails and my emails got lost in the shuffle of things and that they'd been just discussing it all tonight.
too many fucking LIES, LIES, LIES.
seriously...
any dealings i've ever had with the inlaws have always resulted in some clusterfuck because none of them can possibly sit back and let people do as they please without injecting their wisdom into the matter.
as mentioned earlier, we had asked the other sil if we could take her kids to the stampede for the day. we never heard anything until yesterday when the other sil stopped in at the shop to see ch and told him that her mom told her that her brother said we're taking the kids. (see? it's already a clusterfuck in just the telling of the story, for fuckssake!!)
so it's obvious there are a few issues going on here, the first being communication. it's really not that hard for someone to return an email and say "yes", "no'', or "go fuck yourself". i think it takes all of 2 minutes and instead of leaving ch and i hanging and angry she was perhaps being a passive aggressive twat, she could very well have emailed us and let us know the answer. we're adults and big kids now: we can take a no. it's possible.
so then of course now the entire family is involved in this 5 hour day, despite it just being ch and i and the kids. now the fil and mil are involved and to this hour, i think ch has talked to the mil at least 2 times today about this. the other sil who isnt remotely involved in anything has talked to us at least 2 or three times now about this bullshit.
it was all shit i was hoping to avoid. if the stupid bil and his wife would have just talked to us instead of yammering to their mom and dad about it, i think this whole day would have been a little less complicated.
and now as it stands, ch wants his sil to look after our dogs so we can make this day possible. i have this feeling that she will suddenly need to be in yyc tues/wed and wont be able to take the dogs, despite telling him earlier that she is returning to yxh monday.
ch also thought that his mom might be around wed and "why dont we just bring her along with us to the stampede?" well, FFS, if that is the case (which fortunately it isnt), i'd just stay home. i have expressed to him more than once now that it would be nice to see the kids without someone else interfering, whether it's the mil, fil, or the other fucking sil...it would be nice to just go and do and be with them and spoil them rotten without someone there taking notes to suggest we're not doing it right. because if there's anything the inlaws are good at, it's fucking taking notes and criticising and yammering about it endlessly.
really, the day should be a pleasant one. ch, me, the kids...i think it could go well. i'm excited. but at this point, i really feel that i dont need the sil tagging along (which is a possibility, as she cant bear to not know all the details) or the mil or fil interfering in some manner. and it wouldnt end there either: we'll never hear the end of how we took them there and how "next year" it will be the sil's turn to do that and since we did it this year, we've somehow started some invisible tradeoff of aunt/uncle time, despite not asking her to participate.
like i said, anything involving these assholes is completely complicated and it gives me a migrane thinking about it.
it feels like forever since i've been on here, even tho it's only been a few days.
i'm back at it today at the gym. i'll be heading over there after lunch. lunch today is cucumber sandwiches because ch's crazy aunt dropped off a huge bag of them. wtf do you do with that many cukes?
i've decided that it's arms day mondays, chest and back tuesdays, abs wed, legs thursday, cardio friday. of course this will likely change as things go on.
i'm going to do a full cable day one of these days. really like using the cable machine. so many alternatives and options and i love it.
i'm not exactly thrilled with doing cardio today. actually lately cardio has been a struggle. i think it's because of the emotional eating i'm doing. i also over did it last week with running and ran 2 days in a row, which was a no-no. i could feel my shins quite badly and was limping afterward, due in part to the shoes i was wearing, but also a back to back run isnt necessarily good for me.
i have to get on my bike more often. what's holding me back right now is not being able to find the key to the damned lock. i was just in gtf and found a really neat bike lock and should have bought it. didnt. really dumb. ideally i would like to ride the bike to the gym and back before working out, which would be about a 15 min ride each way and approx 10km total. of course the k's would be longer because i wouldnt be taking the direct route, but would be deeking through and past the golf course and along the river, which adds on a more k's and time.
but yeah, cardio at the gym is boring. i'd almost rather take a class to get my cardio in because i can see where only having the treadmill, elliptical, or stationary bike is going to get old fast. it would be good to do some jacks, burpees, and mountain climbers just to change it up, but i'm not exactly comfortable with just dropping and doing it on the spot unless i can find a quiet corner of the gym.
so today is arms, my favourite day. i've decided that it's the perfect thing to do mondays to get me back into the gym. i think that if i made mondays legs, i'd never go.
today was my running day. i chose to hit the Y earlier than i usually do because i was up early. ch is at the farm today with the dogs, so i seriously have jackall to do and it's GREAT!
good treadmill run. i thought i'd try the speed variant function and was disappointed to discover it is a manual adjustment, rather than automatic. it would have been better to let the machine provide controlled sprints, rather than me doing it on a whim.
i set it to 5.5mph for my jogging minutes and 6.5mph for regular sprint periods. started off for 3 mins at a jog, sped up for 15 minutes, went back to a jog for 3, cranked it back up and then finished off the last 2 minutes at 7.5mph sprinting to finish.
felt great when i was done. very sweaty, but ultimately a good workout.
tomorrow's a rest day in theory. i may hit the bike, seeing as i havent returned to it yet.
oh such a common refrain heard in the inlaw family.
this evening the sil called to tell us that the fil was going to be late, that he was still at the farm working. this was about 2 hrs ago. i'm sure now that i type this (@ 11pm) that he is finally on his way back to yxh.
so she was going on about her dad and i think i asked her when she was done work, or else she brought it up. i cant remember. anyway, she was going on that today was the kids' last day and that tomorrow she'd have to work and then she works again next week.
then she was going on that tomorrow will be the "first day she (i) can get anything done because the kids arent there".
uhm.....really? you mean to tell me that you havent got anything done because the kids were there the other 192 days of the year? REALLY?
oh, just say it with me....IT'S NOT HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FAULTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
le sigh.
last wedesday i emailed the fat and useless sil to see if she would object to ch and i taking her sprogs to the stampede in yyc.
the bitch hasnt responded.
fuck her!
she cant say that we've never tried...
if she does respond, i'm going to tell her that i was expecting a response sooner and would have appreciated it and now i've gone and made other plans since she cant reply in a timely fashion.
ugh, this family pisses me right off to no end.
had a message on the phone from ch's crazy aunt bernie on the farm. she calls here once in a while and i never answer it because if i do, you can never get away from the phone. talk-ta-talk-talk-talk. and if you happen to say "would you like to speak to ch?" she will snark at you and say "i wasnt calling to talk to him"....riiiiiight, 99.9999% of all calls from her are for him and messages always start with "hi ch".
long story short, she is about 50,000,000 fleas short of a circus.
so she called here sometime on monday and left 2 long winded messages for me. she is one of those very transparent people, so the messages were full of flattery and nonsense and bullshit. she was wanting me to look up digital cameras so that she could buy uncle jim one when he comes to canada. where she's going to get the money is beyond me, because she doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. oh, maybe she does...it's just buried under 25+yrs of shit in that house she's living in. she's a classic hoarder and has every room in that farmhouse loaded to the nuts with junk and crap. you literally have a pathway to walk through a room, it's so bad. anyway she left 2 messages for me, going on about how she was sooooooo impressed how i found such cheap flights to vegas (uhm, have you ever heard of allegiantair.com?? ffs), so surely i must be able to find cheap digital cameras. i'm no stranger to the inlaws' bullshit, so i saw through and wanted her to cut the crap and come out and say what she wanted.
so then i figured it wouldnt hurt me to look and print off some stuff. all told, it maybe took me 15 minutes. i printed off 2 cameras i thought were ok, wrote her a letter telling her what to look for and ask for, put it into a package, and sent it off. fil took it today to the farm. if you ask me, i went over and above what was asked of me.
so at 2pm this afternoon, i got a snarky voice message from her saying that obviously i wasnt going to do it for her and she was going to ask someone else who would. the tone was snarky and ridiculous. i was immediately angry, as i had gone to the effort to write her and help her. stupid woman. obviously the fil has obviously forgotten to give the envelope to her.
i immediately called her to set her straight and basically tell her not to snark at me or ask ANYTHING of me in the future, but her line was busy. i called ch to ask if perchance he moved the envelope, but he said that the fil took it with him.
so that is bernie, who is a typical member of this particular familial genetic strain and i'm furious. i told ch that i wont do anything for her in the future, so she can forget it. their attitude is all the same: over the top flattery and kindness until they either get what they want or dont and then it's snarking and snapping and ridiculousness.
ch says she will feel like a heel for doing that to me when the fil remembers and gives her the envelope. i know that she will...at least i hope she does. i just dont want or need her apologies because they wont be sincere.
what's frustrating is that it's all typical family behaviour, right from her phony compliments to the snarking, to the fil being so self centred forgetting to give her the envelope. and i think what is even more angering is that i knew better than to do anything and in the end have only got anger out of it. (and stupid me, thinking that she had called to say the two words that are rarities in lexicons: "thank" and "You")
frustrating. however, i did my part. no, i didnt call her and tell her i'd do it; i just figured that i'd send the package along with the fil or ch...oh well. funny how she said that if i didnt want to do it, it was ok...somehow that was all bs too, because it's apparently NOT ok, based on her tone. so i'm sure while her phone was busy, she was on it complaining to whomever her next victim/slave is about how lazy i am etc...not that i care what an old hag says, but it's the principle. i'm tempted to write her a letter and tell her how it is, but then it's just ammo for her to show the family and say how rotten i am etc....so i will just leave it and be icy cool when i see her next. 3 short joyous weeks from now...
what i'm going to explain to ch is that i'm going to treat people the way they treat me. it's only fair. i'm mirroring how i'm treated. and if bernie, or the sil, the fat useless sil, mil, or anyone else wants to treat me like shit, then that's their perogative. hey, i'm an adult. i can take it for the most part. but when i treat them reciprocally, they'd better not question it and whine...it's the least they can expect. if you're going to treat people like shit, dont be surprised if you end up eating some of it.
i am glad i left heartbreakers. i dont think i'm missing anything. yes, i know that i am a little concerned about losing my cardio, but i think that i can incorporate sprints into my cardio routine or things like jumping jacks and mountain climbers and, yes, even burpees in order to boost what i'm doing.
i definitely do NOT miss the clientele. or the instructors.
when i was doing the FIT fusion class in march/april/may, i noticed that there was a certain attitude about our class that was rather alarming. the class is a moderate class and designed to fit older women's fitness. it wasnt a challenging class, but was something to do. i had my frustrations with it and later changed over to the FIT class next door. when i joined that class i found that my cardio was severely lacking and my strength questionable. i was pissed off that i'd lost so much in a couple month's time and wondered why we didnt do more.
stacey is a good enough instructor, but by no means a challenging instructor. she liked doing things she was good at, so that excluded cardio and arms and focussed more on the bosu or fitness ball, classes which were more annoying than anything. i'd leave there feeling as if i really didnt do much and wondering if any of my muscles were woken from their slumber.
i started noticing attitudes from marla the owner, instructors, and other patrons about that class. first off it was marla's decision to restrict the use of weights and her telling us that we could easily slide into her FIT class next door. well, i could, but most of the ladies couldnt. and with the constant pressure from all of them to stay in this class to keep the class running, it was impossible to sneak out without guilt. so marla's attitude was total shit. then i overheard ashley telling another instructor that she had to instruct our class and making derrogatory comments. no, i didnt hear what was being said, but i know enough about body language and facial expressions to know that she was far from impressed to be teaching our class. i've also heard from members who remained in that class who were assimilated into the FIT class, that the FIT class members were passing off attitude to the fusion girls.
well, obviously these attitudes come from somewhere. and if you ask me, they all come from marla the owner. i dont think instructors just make up attitudes out of the blue; they get it from the top. if the top person says they're pleased with that class, then nobody else will say boo...but if that person trashes it, well, so will their staff and eventually the patrons will as well.
i am quite angry about all of it to tell you the truth. angry enough to want to write a letter and complain about how disappointed i was in how things are run, and why i'm not renewing my membership and put it all out there point blank. i think that if i'm asked, which i may be come august, i will gladly explain. i know i've been seen as a dollar sign the last 3 years, so she will miss it when more of us dollar signs take our business elsewhere.
today i worked on the cable machine for legs to check it out.
cable machines are a bit intimidating to me, but i recognize and respect how much i can do with them that i am sure that i could make an entire week's worth of exercises out of them and walk away feeling very satisfied.
of course it's a learning experience and it takes a bit of practice to put your legs in the right place and not in the way of the cables. standing up straight is essential and i had a bit of difficulty with that as well. in time my core will compensate and i know it can only get better.
today's routine included:
- hip adduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip abduction 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- straight leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- bent leg kickbacks 40lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- hip flexion on cable (reduced weight to get used to it) 30lbs, RL, 15R, 3S
- calf raises 2-25lb dumbbells, 15R, 3S
- leg extension 40lbs, 15R, 3S
- straight leg clean and jerk 12lbs, 15R, 3S (tried it just to see...have to investigate to see if it is actually benefitting my legs or not)
all in all, it was a good workout today. i had gone and hit balls earlier, so i didnt bother with cardio. i think the workout itself took me just under an hour. in the future, i may add in a bit of cardio like hill climbing walking on the treadmill to build up my quads.
i hope that what i've done wont bother my knees. so far they feel good. where i'd notice the most difficulty is the leg extensions, but i went slow and was mindful of how far back i'd let the machine go. so far they feel fine and i'm optimistic they wont bother me as much tomorrow, which is a 180 from those stupid squats and lunges we'd do in those damned classes. if i can continue with this program on legs day, then i'll be satisfied. i may throw in stairs on legs day, too, just to boost the cardio, but if it happens it will be earlier in the day, as doing it when the temps are as high as they are, is suicidal.
i also really like doing pyramids: starting with heavy weights at 8 reps, med weights at 10 reps, and lightest at 12 reps. it's a good way to build muscle and challenge yourself. i think i'll end up doing that for arms next week, something i really enjoyed in our classes.
Say goodnight and go
Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone
Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Why is it always, always
Goodnight and Go
Goodnight and Go!
how can a marriage survive when you hate things about the other person?
ch hates my family. he has nothing to do with any of them. if there is a family function, he wont go. he doesnt even put forth a valid excuse...he just says "no, i'm not going" and has no reason. of course i never pressed it in the past because GOD FORBID there's conflict, but all that's done is piss me off in the future. it makes me think that perhaps having conflict at the time of the insult would be much better than carrying loads of anger and unresolved hurt years down the road.
ch hates my friends. no real reason. just hates them. thinks that i should be friends with his single male friends. uhm, does he really believe that i need to be best friends with ross? fergie? where they are nice enough guys and are considerate to me for the most part, they are SINGLE.GUYS. i dont want single guys in my life, especially if there is the potential for a line to be crossed. and dont get me started on how annoying it is that these asswipes think i can just take over for them and be the wendy to their lost boy clan. i already have one useless fool in my life....i dont need more.
ch hates my music. explainable.
but then i sit back and wonder what it is ch likes about me. it cant be my personality because i think i'm really cranky. i cant help it. i'm tired of stuffing emotions away because i'm afraid of conflict. it just manifests itself in anger. and GOD FORBID i ever have an opinion contrary to his family's dogma. god forbid i make a real comment about his sister that isnt flattering but is true AND deserved.
ch doesnt have sex with me. it's been going on for almost 2 months. and yes, i could initiate it, but why? i've always initiated it. i'm done with that. so for now we go to bed at different times and wake at different times...sure, we could make time for sex, but that means that someone has to get on top of those things and seeing as ALL responsibilities around here seem to fall on my shoulders, i just dont want to. i'm fucking tired of being responsible for everything working around here.
it really has to be nice to be ch...he comes home, the house is clean, his laundry is done, he may or may not have to cook for himself, but seeing as he doesnt mind bbqing or cooking meat, he does it himself because he now refuses to eat what i eat. oh yes, that's right...he hates what i cook. and i'm not a bad cook, i really am not. ch's palate does not include liking or eating veggies, fish, or anything that hasnt come from a cow or a box.
i just dont know what to think anymore...i just know that i'm tired of being angry and resentful.
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