wierd, big brother and essence

i had a relatively productive day in therapy yesterday.  it didnt start out that way, mind you, but by the time we finished, we were circling the idea that i have three separate personalities named wierd, big brother, and essence.

before anyone goes 'when rabbit howls' on me, i want to clarify: i dont have MPD.  i just have three separate feelings or voices who govern who i am and make up the person you see.

wierd is that voice.  you know the one i'm talking about; the one who tells you you're being dumb or walking out of line.  it's the one that chides you for not doing the "shoulds" in life, the naysayer, the one pretending to know best, but ultimately wants you to conform so that nobody will look twice.  it makes me pretend to be outgoing when i'd rather hide, it chides me in classes before they start when i'm sitting there with my own thoughts not wanting to strike up conversations with others.  it's the one telling me that i should be calling friends, in fact, it's packing my bags for a heavy laden guilt trip.

i hate wierd.  i see it as a big green slimy swirling mass.  it has a nasty wake too.  maybe even a gutteral sound to it.  it's ugly, yet has a seductive side to it, trying to con me into thinking that if i embrace it, all will be well.  wierd lies for its own benefit.  in years past, i think wierd has been a big creature dominating most of my life, defining me, and supposedly guiding me.  wierd also begs you to ignore your inner voice...you know, your gut feelings and interpretations.  it senses that you feel some kind of physical reaction to something, but stifles it because it sees that things around this person are normal, so you should embrace that person or situation and you'll be normal by proxy, too. 

case in point of wierd in action is when i met one of my cowokers for the first time.  she was attractive and popular; people liked her immediately.  something in my gut tho told me she was fake, insincere, and really didnt have that much going for her...she wasnt smart or intellectual or had anything of value to say.  instead of listening to my gut, i ignored it, tried being this person's friend, and found out that my gut was right.  she was shallow and vapid and had nothing going for her except her looks.  in that case, going with the crowd and its opinions did me no favours.

essence is who i am, the person i'm meant to be.  it's the person who IS quiet, calm, and who prefers to listen, rather than be listened to.  it wont comment but observes, wants to be alone, and more imporantly enjoys it.  would prefer to pick solitude over having a multitude of friends.  essence slides into situations and hopes to not be called on, much the same way it would be sweating in school.  essence wants to be part of the scenery, rather than the main attraction.  essence is that gut reaction, the voice, the pure person.  it picks up on others' emotions and subtleties, reads them, and interprets them.  essence is who i am. 

i see essence as some kind of living pulsing thing.  bright light which floats above my hand.  it's small, but dont scoff at its size: essence is powerful.  it may not look it, but it is.

the final character is big brother.  big brother disagrees heartily with wierd.  it hates all wierd stands for and is driven to protect essence.  big brother was created as the voice to stand up for essence, who has yet to find its own voice.  it's coming but it is taking time.  big brother, god love him, is a head case tho.  says and does things off the cuff without thinking, often hurts feelings, and can betray essence's goals.  big brother is the voice which is unchecked and unrestrained.  the only restraint comes from essence; a quiet, yet firm voice which has the power to control big brother. 

wierd provokes big brother and vice versa.  when wierd picks on essence, big brother steps in, often with harsh words and actions. 

essence's voice is firm and quiet and not often heard.  occasionally it will be the voice of reason in a sea of chaos caused by wierd and big brother.  essence's voice finally came to me after years of worrying about the sil's move to yxh.  wierd chided and played out the shoulds, while big brother got hostile and upset and churned my mind.  eventually when it finally came to pass and she got her job here, essence's voice finally cut through the chaos to say "hey, wait.  it's not your problem anymore...dont you see that she wont be in your house anymore?  by her moving here, you have your freedom and space back."  instant calm.

i dont hear from essence much, but with therapy i'm working on it. 

i know this post sounds incredibly crazy, but this is what we worked out in therapy yesterday and to me it makes perfect sense.