what a weekend. 2 parties in 2 days. one was for a 40yr old, the other for a 2yr old. such a contrast.
saturday night's party was all about noise...drinks, music, yelling.
today's party was all about food, noise, yelling, presents.
both were pretty good times, altho i have to admit that the kiddie party was better. somehow there werent forced expectations to talk to everyone. i was able to find my one person and converse without interruption or anyone goading me into drinking more than necessary. nobody was wanting me to do shooters, talk to them about nothing, or fucking well grilling me on my cousin and her intentions with that man.
yeah. i'm not one for kids, but i have to say that i felt leagues above the comfort zone today than i did last night. i'm not sure what it is about the kin krowd sometimes but there are unrealistic expectations and desires that seem like too much energy to even attain. too much effort to notice everyone, to be nice, the expectations to talk to every.single.fucker., the expectation that you will be the most loaded, the biggest jackhole. the judgemental eyes on you when you choose to spend time talking to your cousin rather than chasing the dragon doing shooters and being an idiot.
i'd say there were a lot of side eyes thrown in my direction. some from friends, others from strangers. lots of trying to figure out what was going on and instead of asking, just assuming. i think that was my cousin's perspective.
yeah, that kin group has always required a lot of energy. that's not to say that kim and michelle dont, but it's a different kind of energy. i'm not entirely sure, but maybe it's that i respect them a lot more, so the energy put out is one that is trying to reach out and be accepted, whereas the kin energy is one of more indifference knowing that i'm being judged regardless of what i do. i think in the last years or so i've really switched gears to complete indifference. i'd have made idle chatter with people "just because". nowadays i'm not really doing that. i'm making conversation with people i want to see and really just stepping around people who think i should be kowtowing to them. i think that's how i've mastered energy transferrence. maybe more energy into indifference and answering questions with simple responses, no explanations, and definitely no volunteering of anything more than necessary.
in today's group, i'd volunteer a lot more. i will tell them what i'm doing, explain it. why? because they genuinely want to know. it's sincere. it's not really a question asked out of robotic politeness or social expectations; it is because they do care. there's attention paid to stuff going on and appropriate questions asked. a big difference.
nobody goading me to drink more. maybe making sure i'm full of yummy good food and making me comfortable. i'm not squirming, i'm taking my place with my back to the window and enjoying the sun and facing them, rather than wanting to turn my back to the room and people.
it's funny how time and age change things and alter your priorities.
what a weekend. 2 parties in 2 days. one was for a 40yr old, the other for a 2yr old. such a contrast.
saturday night's party was all about noise...drinks, music, yelling.
today's party was all about food, noise, yelling, presents.
both were pretty good times, altho i have to admit that the kiddie party was better. somehow there werent forced expectations to talk to everyone. i was able to find my one person and converse without interruption or anyone goading me into drinking more than necessary. nobody was wanting me to do shooters, talk to them about nothing, or fucking well grilling me on my cousin and her intentions with that man.
yeah. i'm not one for kids, but i have to say that i felt leagues above the comfort zone today than i did last night. i'm not sure what it is about the kin krowd sometimes but there are unrealistic expectations and desires that seem like too much energy to even attain. too much effort to notice everyone, to be nice, the expectations to talk to every.single.fucker., the expectation that you will be the most loaded, the biggest jackhole. the judgemental eyes on you when you choose to spend time talking to your cousin rather than chasing the dragon doing shooters and being an idiot.
i'd say there were a lot of side eyes thrown in my direction. some from friends, others from strangers. lots of trying to figure out what was going on and instead of asking, just assuming. i think that was my cousin's perspective.
yeah, that kin group has always required a lot of energy. that's not to say that kim and michelle dont, but it's a different kind of energy. i'm not entirely sure, but maybe it's that i respect them a lot more, so the energy put out is one that is trying to reach out and be accepted, whereas the kin energy is one of more indifference knowing that i'm being judged regardless of what i do. i think in the last years or so i've really switched gears to complete indifference. i'd have made idle chatter with people "just because". nowadays i'm not really doing that. i'm making conversation with people i want to see and really just stepping around people who think i should be kowtowing to them. i think that's how i've mastered energy transferrence. maybe more energy into indifference and answering questions with simple responses, no explanations, and definitely no volunteering of anything more than necessary.
in today's group, i'd volunteer a lot more. i will tell them what i'm doing, explain it. why? because they genuinely want to know. it's sincere. it's not really a question asked out of robotic politeness or social expectations; it is because they do care. there's attention paid to stuff going on and appropriate questions asked. a big difference.
nobody goading me to drink more. maybe making sure i'm full of yummy good food and making me comfortable. i'm not squirming, i'm taking my place with my back to the window and enjoying the sun and facing them, rather than wanting to turn my back to the room and people.
it's funny how time and age change things and alter your priorities.
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