an open letter to SC

dear sc.

i know we havent talked in nearly 20 years.  when i type it, i'm shocked it's been that long.

i continue to think about you after all these years.  may 25th this year i thought about you more so than i usually do.  on the 30th, i remembered you again.  i dont think i'll ever forget those dates.

i was a jackass at 18.  i admit that fully and without self pity.  i admit it with loathing and regret and immense eye rolling at how "worldly" i thought i was then in my first year of university.  as if i was so much more sophisticated because i knew different things...to that attitude i scoff heartily.

i was an arrogant jackass.  i dont even expect you to remember, or hell, i dont expect you to care at this point in your life.  i really dont know why i'm writing this, but perhaps it's because i know you'll never read it and it's in the hopes that someday i'll be able to say it all to you and you'll nod and say "it's ok" and everything will end the way it's meant to.

i was a jerk in how i ended it.  and you know what?  i never really wanted to.  i was persuaded by older friends who laughed that i was dating a high school boy.  those same "friends" are currently living with their parents as the clock ticks toward 40.  [you can laugh, it's ok.  the last laugh is always going to be on me until you say it's ok.] 

feel free to laugh here, but the person i chose in place of you was a terrible human being.  treated me horribly.  i was glamoured by his constant stream of gifts and false promises.  perhaps if i had been as wise and worldly as i am now (in comparison), i would have seen through it, but the 18yr old naive little elevator girl couldnt see past the watches and flowers and endless "deep" conversations i figured i deserved from you.  instead i fell for it all, never loving how he kissed me or how he looked.  he tried to tell me that you and i were juveniles, that he was the answer, that what you and i had was nothing.  he never compared to you.  i still missed you on the 25th and 30th even tho i was with him.  it drove him nuts to think that i was thinking of you, but i still loved you.

remember when he and i were out and he came up to you months later, the smug prick who said hi to you, knowing full well he had me and took me from you.  i hated him for that, for rubbing it in and making you angry.  i'd like to think that i dumped him shortly after he did that to you, but i doubt i did.  not that it makes a whit of difference, but i cheated on him several times with no regrets.  he honestly deserved it.  i hope you feel he did, too.

when i think about how much i pined over you for 2 yrs before you finally asked me out, i just want to die thinking i threw it all away so carelessly and so callously.  to write you a 'dear john' was heartless.  you did nothing to me, other than believe in me.  i know we were just kids and i'm certain that you have long since got over me and how i treated you, but there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i somehow scarred you for life and made you question every other female who came into your life.  of course i'm sure that others made more of an impact than i did.

please know that i didnt cheat.  no, that came a few weeks after you got my letter.  it was horrible.  i cried.  i think by any definition i was raped, but i think i believed i deserved it somehow after what i did to you.  as an adult i so wish that you had been  my first.  i regret very deeply that we didnt go all the way.  god, there were opportunities and many nights where we could have, but we were both scared and shy.  i regret not just taking the initiative and doing what we should have been doing since we started seeing each other.  you were so much more than i ever gave you credit for.

years later i wanted you back.  i would have done just about anything to get you, but you wanted nothing to do with me.  when i moved to yyc, i used to fantasize about driving back to our home town and walking into your workplace...me at 25, you at 24 and us reconnecting and what i hoped, conversing.  i had hoped that my awkward phase was behind me and that i'd wow you with my new look and body and you'd fall head over heels and we could pick up where we left off, but this time we'd do it right and do everything we were meant to.  it was never to be because i chickened out.  couldnt do it.  oh how i wanted to, but i was so scared you'd reject me.  i would deserve it, yes, but i just wanted you back. 

years later i've returned to the area.  i still think about you and wonder where you are.  when i go to the city, i scan the crowd looking for you, hoping to see you again.  i secretly hope that i will see you and put these feelings to rest, even if it means that we dont converse or acknowledge one another.  i'd like to think i'd say hi, but i think regrets and fear would take over and i'd look away and keep walking.  please know that i would never intentionally snub you.  i would be scared you'd ignore me, so i would protect myself from being hurt. 

the funny thing is that despite the years that have passed, i still hurt.  i hurt more now than i did when i made those silly decisions.  i havent regretted a lot about my life, but i most certainly will always regret how i treated you.  it will haunt me until i shuffle off this mortal coil.

this isnt a love letter; no.  it's a letter to express my regrets.  i'm saying that you will always have a place in my heart.  even tho i have aged and become a different person every seven years, that part of me that was with you aches.  i ache for the many regrets i have.

at the time i always thought there was more to life than life in nobleford.  i didnt want to hang out with people i went to high school with.  i just wanted to go, go, go.  i just wish i waited for you to catch up and see that, too.

who knows, maybe it never would have panned out.  maybe we would have ended it years later over kids and family and many other hearts being broken.  perhaps we did the right thing leaving when we did and only breaking our hearts, but i can tell you that there is a part of my heart that has died and wont ever recover.  it shames me to admit that.

i know we have both moved on, but deep down, i really have not.  what i did will always haunt me.

i know that there is nothing i can say which will make you forgive me.  and i know that i would far rather say all this to you in person than to write it to you just like i did back in 91, however you dont deserve me descending upon you and ruining what you have now.  i ruined your life once; i swear i will not do it a second time.

for now i will leave you and your life and just remember the good things about us.  those memories will never be replaced.  they're the halcion days, glossed over, memories which still make me smile to this day.

one day when i can not possibly ruin your life further, you will get a letter you can not respond to.  please do me the favour and read it.  it will be my last wish.

xoxoxo.