exhausted

i just got in from a good weekend in YQL.  lots of laughs and good times. 

today was kind of a downer, as it was home day.  it's the day you simultaneously cherish and dread all in one emotion.

i was supposed to go over to michelle's tonight and hang out, just the three of us.  (there it goes again, that fucking number 3)  she had asked me earlier in the week if i'd like to come over and we'd all sit and drink some wine and chat.  well, for starters, how in the fuck can i do that when i dont have a designated driver?  i never have one, despite having to be one for the last 9 years here.  when it's his turn to do that, i'm at the ready...when it's mine...well, he's not available and certainly not in any commission to help.  so anyway, i cant drink there, which would have made the experience more tolerable.

i'm still in a bitchy state, just hoping that they'll back off and give me some space for a while but it seems that as soon as i retreat, everyone advances and steps on my toes.  like, please: be friends and just back the fuck off.  give me some space.  i will eventually come around, but just.not.now.

and really, why is it when i say i'm going away that you must know exactly WHERE when you phone me two different times during my weekend?  does it really  matter to you?  at all?  i mean, jeez, you took off to NB and said shit all to me about it.  in fact, i found out through a mutual friend...so i go away for three fucking days to see my aunt and cousins and you suddenly need to know where i was? 

i'm getting tired of being expected to fully disclose all while everyone else sits back mum and judgy.  and tonight i'm certainly in no mood to sit and be asked the usual "where's ch?" question that drips of judgement and eye rolling.  yes, i know he's a boozer.  there is NOTHING i can do about it.  i dont like it, i certainly dont approve of him being drunk every night of the week with only a hand full of fingers to count of sober days in a year, but there is NOTHING i can do.  i have chosen to stay in this marriage.  it is my solution for *right now*.  respect it, and shut the fuck up about anything else.  god, seriously, from this moment on, i'd really like it if michelle and kim would stop asking me about ch, the loaded questions of his whereabouts, as if that makes any difference to them at all.  i wish there'd stop being the judgement behind the questions altogether.  accept that i'm not changing what i'm doing, please.

so if i choose not to see you guys, get over it.  i'm tired of sitting around like a bunch of hens discussing who's seen whom lately and how bad they look.  half the time i have no idea who they are talking about anyway, despite having supposedly served them at one time or the other at the cafe.  after being gone from it 7 yrs, i'm pretty sure i could care less what any of our customers are doing because i dont remember half of them anymore.  it's been seven.fucking.years...time to move on and let go.  i dont need to be told it's a firepit tonight and arrive in my sweats and rocketdogs to find you two in fancy sweaters and designer jeans with hair and makeup, thanks.  i'm done with that shit, too.

and yeah, i know i'm going through something and have been for quite a while now.  i cant put my finger on it, but i dont need to sit there and discuss it with unpaid so-called professionals.  i'm not up to discussing my life, even if they are my friends.  i just dont want to get into it and frankly, i dont think that i really want to ever tell them what i'm really thinking or feeling.  it's going to be between my counsellor and i, thanks.  oh yes, and i'm sure i'll write it here.  my fucking rapt audience will surely appreciate it...**sarcasm.