flowers, or also titled "why am i so damned foolish"

the sil graduated last weekend.  big deals were made and we werent a part of it.

i had been debating sending her flowers to say congrats for a while now.  just a small bouquet [nothing exciting] because i know that either way, the thanks will be given to ch and he will be expected to "telephone" me the thanks.  you remember the telephone game, right?  the game where you actually never get the full explanation because it's passed on through so many ears and mouths that by the time it actually reaches you, it's a perversion of what was initially said.  jog any memories?

i dont know why i did it, to tell you the truth.  there's part of me that likes sending flowers to people.  i think it's an absolute joy to receive flowers unexpectedly and i know the feelings it creates in ME, so i like to do that spontaneously to others.  i always try to imagine the shock and surprise and that is exactly what i'm intending: the secret smile, the anticipation of opening the card to discover who it was, and the joy of seeing the pretty display on one's desk or table.

the negative part is always the soundtrack i have running in my head in terms of dealing with her.  it's the sound of my therapist's voice telling me that i should put into this relationship exactly what i'm getting out of it...in other words, nothing.  so it was kind of a struggle all the way to the florist's yesterday.  that internal debate of knowing full well that she does jack shit for us-slash-me, yet expects the world from us and why-should-she-get-any-acknowledgement-or-any-of-my-hard-earned-cash-to-be-congratulated?

the other darker side of me sent it to her as a test.  a test to see if she would respond at all to ME, rather than ch.  oh sure, it's much easier for her to respond to him and do as she's always done ("tell tracy thanks"), but i suppose i was sending her a subtle gauntlet toss challenging her to actually say it to me.  i mean, the card is in my handwriting and it's pretty obvious that i was there doing it. 

even darker than that, i didnt tell ch.

i dont know why i didnt...ok, yes i do.  i wanted it to be obvious that he had no idea about the flowers, that they came from me.  i also know that he will circle the wagons around his immediate family quicker than the sil will say "dont you know who i am", so anything said will immediately be protected and defended by ch.  in other words, if i tell him and she never acknowledges it, i believe he will come home and tell me that she said thanks, even if she didnt.  he wants to paint her in the best light possible at every moment, even tho she is hardly worth a brushstroke from a dollar store kit.

so it will be interesting to test them both.  her to see if she even acknowledges it at all, altho i'm certain she will say thanks to chhhhhh for sure, lest she look like the ungrateful twat she is, and him to see if she actually says thank you in the first place.

i'm sure she will thank us.  and by "us" i mean him. 

i know better than to make a big deal out of this when i already know the end game and i'm already pissed about it.  i think i'm discovering that i'm finding immense satisfaction in  proving myself right when it comes to dealing with his family.  that they are ungrateful, selfish, spoiled, and really ultimately dont like me....

i know i've said i dont care if they do, but there is that part of me deep down that wants them to.  doing shit like this is almost embarassing because it seems that --yet again-- i'm sticking my neck out, only so that they can wield their machetes and lop it off.