i do really like my therapist james. it's like meeting with a really good friend once a month. i've been seeing him for 4yrs now and altho i wonder at times if i'm actually progressing, i think that without it i'd be lost.
so i was telling him about ch's recent meltdown over michelle and telling him how upset i've been about it and how angry that ch can just tell me something and never give any thought to it again, while i sit and stew and worry for days after. of course i broke down in tears there when i was telling him about ch's comments because it made me question my own judgement. and i described to him the past history of having my mom constantly berate me for my friend choices and now to have ch do it was too much. and i suggested to him that my mom and ch and people like that have always made me feel like i have to be cynical about everything and always wondering what the ulterior motives are or where the angle might be when someone befriends me.
so we discussed that for a while and then james started asking me why i was friends with kim and michelle. and when i started talking about it, i realised that we do have a lot of history and have had a lot of fun together and i really dont think it's all done and worth washing my hands over. at least not the way ch seems to think.
of course i feel conflicted over the new development and admission that ch hates michelle, so i said to james that it makes me more uncomfortable. sure, i may have suspected it in the past, but to have it confirmed makes it all the more awkward. who wouldnt want their significant other to get along with everyone? i mean, we all want our spouses to move between our friends with ease without explanations and awkwardness. but now that he has admitted his dislike, i feel more anxiety over the questions which are sure to come, the "where's ch" and the raised eyebrows to suggest that he is lesser for not choosing to be with them. (and even typing that, i get annoyed with the judgemental bullshit that seems to always be on the periphery of this group of people)
i get that ch doesnt have ulterior motives for telling me the truth the way my mom had when i was a kid. i know she did it out of jealousy and wanting to keep us little and close to her. i know we were spoon fed lies and i see evidence of it as she tries to do that to us now. i can pass off what she says because most of it is said or done out of the fear of losing us. i'm not saying i accept it, i just have learned to take it all with a huge fat whopping grain of salt and have recognized that i pretty well can not take anything my mom says at face value, ever. ch doesnt have that same insecurity and i know that he's doing it out of love. i can see that. in no way is he forcing me to choose him before anyone, he's just telling me that i should back off a bit and see what happens. i do like that advice and will likely take it.
as we were discussing all this and once it got to the part about michelle always wanting something, it always being about her etc, james stopped and said how ironic the whole situation was that ch was addressing. and then he said that he found it funny that ch was criticising michelle for something that his sister does all the time. and then he said that it has to be hard to take criticisms from someone who is already up to their neck in the same bullshit that they're criticising you for. well, how true! of course when we were discussing all this, i said to him that it sure sounded a lot like sil and how she is always wanting shit but never reciprocates. ch's answer? "that may be, but we are not talking about my sister, we are talking about michelle". ohhh, i get it: it's ok to hack on my friends but it's not ok to tell the truth about her? right.
sickening. the hypocrisy is ridiculous. thankfully james made me think about that. i did suggest that maybe subconsciously his criticisms are really a response to his anger over his sister's behaviours. james didnt dismiss that and considered that it could be a possibility.
regardless, i felt more relieved. i dont have to ditch these friends. i came to that realisation. i just need to define what i will and wont do.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
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i do really like my therapist james. it's like meeting with a really good friend once a month. i've been seeing him for 4yrs now and altho i wonder at times if i'm actually progressing, i think that without it i'd be lost.
so i was telling him about ch's recent meltdown over michelle and telling him how upset i've been about it and how angry that ch can just tell me something and never give any thought to it again, while i sit and stew and worry for days after. of course i broke down in tears there when i was telling him about ch's comments because it made me question my own judgement. and i described to him the past history of having my mom constantly berate me for my friend choices and now to have ch do it was too much. and i suggested to him that my mom and ch and people like that have always made me feel like i have to be cynical about everything and always wondering what the ulterior motives are or where the angle might be when someone befriends me.
so we discussed that for a while and then james started asking me why i was friends with kim and michelle. and when i started talking about it, i realised that we do have a lot of history and have had a lot of fun together and i really dont think it's all done and worth washing my hands over. at least not the way ch seems to think.
of course i feel conflicted over the new development and admission that ch hates michelle, so i said to james that it makes me more uncomfortable. sure, i may have suspected it in the past, but to have it confirmed makes it all the more awkward. who wouldnt want their significant other to get along with everyone? i mean, we all want our spouses to move between our friends with ease without explanations and awkwardness. but now that he has admitted his dislike, i feel more anxiety over the questions which are sure to come, the "where's ch" and the raised eyebrows to suggest that he is lesser for not choosing to be with them. (and even typing that, i get annoyed with the judgemental bullshit that seems to always be on the periphery of this group of people)
i get that ch doesnt have ulterior motives for telling me the truth the way my mom had when i was a kid. i know she did it out of jealousy and wanting to keep us little and close to her. i know we were spoon fed lies and i see evidence of it as she tries to do that to us now. i can pass off what she says because most of it is said or done out of the fear of losing us. i'm not saying i accept it, i just have learned to take it all with a huge fat whopping grain of salt and have recognized that i pretty well can not take anything my mom says at face value, ever. ch doesnt have that same insecurity and i know that he's doing it out of love. i can see that. in no way is he forcing me to choose him before anyone, he's just telling me that i should back off a bit and see what happens. i do like that advice and will likely take it.
as we were discussing all this and once it got to the part about michelle always wanting something, it always being about her etc, james stopped and said how ironic the whole situation was that ch was addressing. and then he said that he found it funny that ch was criticising michelle for something that his sister does all the time. and then he said that it has to be hard to take criticisms from someone who is already up to their neck in the same bullshit that they're criticising you for. well, how true! of course when we were discussing all this, i said to him that it sure sounded a lot like sil and how she is always wanting shit but never reciprocates. ch's answer? "that may be, but we are not talking about my sister, we are talking about michelle". ohhh, i get it: it's ok to hack on my friends but it's not ok to tell the truth about her? right.
sickening. the hypocrisy is ridiculous. thankfully james made me think about that. i did suggest that maybe subconsciously his criticisms are really a response to his anger over his sister's behaviours. james didnt dismiss that and considered that it could be a possibility.
regardless, i felt more relieved. i dont have to ditch these friends. i came to that realisation. i just need to define what i will and wont do.
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