of course it might help slightly if i would fight with her twice a day to give her antibiotics, but i have since given up. call me a failure. god knows i do it daily. there is so much guilt racked up over it, i dont even know how to dig myself out of it. sure, i probably could crush up her pill and try to get it down her in alternative ways, but it's a difficult challenge with three other competitive mouths always on the hunt for new treats.
sometimes having more than one animal sucks. hard.
right now i am thinking of going ahead with the dental surgery for the cat. there is a 50-50 chance she will make it out alive. i dont know at this point if saying no to it is being fair to her. afterall, she is lethargic and drooling and spends most of her time hiding between the couch and my plant. is that really a life for a cat?
there is still desire to live, which gives me hope. she is interested in eating and drinking and that's always a good sign. it's that small flicker that tells me that her life is worth fighting for and you really can not assign a cost to it, no matter how insanely priced veterinarian services are. i want this cat to have a happy time on earth and right now i dont think it is pleasant.
i called the vet's office this afternoon to ask questions and for once the lady that is usually snarky and short was kind and accommodating. patient. that's a first, but i was grateful for it. i asked a plethora of questions and she understood where i was coming from and patiently answered.
initially i was going to get sid into a procedure on the 3rd of march. i had really hoped that i could get her in next week so that i could sort shit out before we left on the 6th for hawaii, but that wont happen. if i got her in on the 3rd, it would really mean dropping her off on the 2nd to be hooked to an iv (because they recommend that for older cats) and then undergoing the procedure the next day at 8am. i'd spend the whole day wondering and worrying whether she'd make it out alive and would theoretically be allowed to take her home by five.
seeing as we are heading to hawaii three days later, i dont feel comfortable leaving her after her surgery (should she survive). instead, i booked it tenatively for the 16th of march, which is the day after we return. the same deal would apply: i'd have to take her in the afternoon of the 15th, but i think i can handle that.
potentially it could be our last interaction. there is that part of me that feels immense sorrow, but there's the other side of me that thinks that it will be what it will be. if she dies on the table, then reluctantly i can accept that it is how fate meant it. and i hope that if she dies, it is a peaceful one without struggle and suffering.
of course it kills me to say that and write it and already the tears are starting, but i have to do what's right by my cat. it's at the point where i cant continue to witness her sliding downhill. i just regret not doing it a few weeks ago because i now am worrying and wondering if she will be fit enough to make the surgery in less than a month.
i just know that heartache comes with owning pets. you know when you get them that these days will surely come, but when they do, trust me, you wish it would happen tomorrow.
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