a complicated kindness

i had this strange feeling.

it was the same feeling you get when you've spent a lot of time with a friend or relatives or someone and you're kind of sick of them and want to be alone again but then the time comes for them to leave and suddenly more than anything you dont want them to go and you act really nice again and run around doing things for them but you know that time is running out and then when they're gone you're kind of relieved but also sad that you hadnt been a better friend and you tell yourself next time for sure i'll be a better friend.  and you kind of want to call them up and apologize for being a jerk but at the same time you dont want to start something stupid and you hope the feeling will just go away and that nobody hates you.