frustrations

i dont know what the fuck i'm doing in terms of fitness.  just kinda wondering where the balance is in all of this.

maybe it's just that i feel i have to sacrifice so much, but i do feel as if i'm really missing out at times.  take this past weekend...i went out, ate as i pleased, and drank.  now in all honesty, i did drink a little too much.  that i can admit...on monday i felt sluggish and tired and to tell you the truth, bad eating or habits are always reflected in monday or tuesday's work outs.  always.  i can tell if i'm not eating properly by my performance.  if i'm sluggish, tired, and ass dragging, i can only blame the weekend's events.

at the same time, i am worried about being fat.  totally pissed that i weighed as much as i did 2 or 3 weeks ago.  totally.  cant believe it in fact.  had swore previously never to do that.

i do know that i had a fun summer and come to think of it, a fun year.  just really didnt think too much of stuff simply because i was working out five days a week.  yeah, i had felt it in some of my pants that i had put on some weight, but figured it was nowhere near 22lbs.  so in the meantime i had been drinking etc and enjoying life. 

previous to that, i had been on the other end of it, the extreme.  avoiding bad friends, food, and drink and lost a shitload of weight.  actually got below my fitter weight in yyc.  but it was too extreme...it's not fun not to have a social drink or see friends, or eat wings.  that sucks! 

so here i sit wondering where the balance is between it all.  fuck, if i cut shit out, i can look great and feel good, but at the same time i miss everything.  if i continue to work out and eat whatever, i gain weight. 

i really have to find a balance in life.  right now it just feels as if i'd look at a beer and gain weight.  think of a pocket dog and balloon up.  something's gotta give and i have to figure out what.  i do not like my current size yet i want to live.