silencing that fucking inner critic

i know that we are our own worst critics.  i get that.

i also see how others are far too critical on themselves.  take my friend sandra...always complaining she's so OLD and shit.  meanwhile, you'd die to look like her at 46.  she's got gorgeous dark brown hair and big brown eyes and is petite.  i call her my ''size 2 on a fat day'' friend.  she's too damned cute.

anytime you mention aging, she is always telling you to stfu and remember that she is old.  my argument is that she might be older than me, but she is cute and cute gets you further.

i notice this at the gym.  i've been going to the gym with the same chicks now for 3 years.  some have been really kind (amanda and oh btw, thank you!) and others ignore you completely.  i can understand that.  i'm not really the outgoing type so i probably come off the same way they do.

but there are girls i've had conversations with in the past who i see regularly now each night and they act as if they've never seen me before.  i cant help but think that if i was prettier or thinner or fitter that they'd treat me differently.

and that's where the dichotomy comes in.  i think that all my life i've been ugly.  nobody was interested in me in elementary.  i was clumsy and i likely smelled.  i can understand that.  but there are those things that stick with you like the time we had a lunchbox social and it was the girls' turn to bring the lunches and the boys on my bus saw my box and told everyone it was mine, so nobody would bid on it.  oh unless you count the twerpy grade one kid who was my best friend's little brother who told me afterward that my lunch was an epic fail and that i should have put something better in there.  well, fuck.  but it was the sting of nobody within a five year age range bidding on my lunch because of assholes like chris malmberg, shane malmberg, and brad atkinson.  oh those assholes loved to make my bus ride painful too...always hacking on me about my lack of tits.  nevermind that marnie and janice had equally as small tits as me, but oh no, pick on the stupid nerd from herronton and make her grade 8 life hell, why dont you?

assholes.

and then it was jr high where i lusted after clint and that was unrequited until grade ten when he finally woke up and decided that since we were neighbours he'd like to fuck me.  the trouble with that was that i was exceptionally frigid, not interested in sex, and mostly had long been over my crush on him.  it was not an option.  i remember he called me over under the guise of me helping him with math and then he put the moves on me.  he wouldnt let me leave his house either.  i was terrified.  the new me now would have rationalized with him and just walked out but the old me was too naive and stupid and scared of hurting feelings to do anything about it.  instead i burst into tears, tore out of there, and was afraid to leave my house.   my parents were in calgary for the day and i was alone there worrying that clint would try it again later.  after that episode he told the biggest asshole in senator riley (dustin rustebakke) about it all and that fucker wouldnt leave me alone about it for the rest of grade ten.  kept going on that there was going to be a "private party" @ clint's and i was invited...oh and it would just be him and clint there.  yeah, really great.

and then senior high i loved mitch parker.  looking back, the guy was a total dork, but i really liked him.  he went to LCI so he was different than the rest of the guys in nobleford.  but then i ran into him in university when we were out at the bar and we chatted for a bit and before he left the table, his friend said to him, " you liked HER?" and it wasnt said with any flattery.

i think for the most part i've gotten over that stuff.  really.  it doesnt keep me up at night.

but lately i've just felt so fucking ugly.  it's in the pictures i've seen of me where my nose looks like a fucking beak...it's the expressions on my face.  everyone else looks fantastic and photographic, and i look like dog ass.  i dont get it.  i can fix myself up and be somewhat satisfied, but then a picture is taken and i look as if i havent touched myself.  i'm way too tanned, that beak is disgusting, and dont get me started on my hair.

i look in the mirror and really wonder what the point of it all is.  why bother trying?  when you try, you look like ass and once again, you're on that fucking bus to mossleigh being reminded that you should have just fucking stayed in bed.