yin-yang, in and out

i'm still thinking about the snubbery.

all i can hear is my therapist's voice telling me that it's ok because i dont like darren and erin and the drama they bring to the table.  during therapy he will say "energy in, energy out...you put into it what you get out of it and vice versa". 

i tend to live by that, in addition to the mantra of not being here to make friends and influence people.  i think both things are what i live by.

seriously...i guess i'm secure enough with the knowledge of knowing who i like and what i like without having to go out of my way to kiss ass and be fake with people.  i can be pleasant, yes, but i dont have to be everyone's bff while i'm here at an mlc function.  and it's the same with this group of people...i just see no need in going out of my way to be friendly and accommodating when i know that all i'm going to get out of that is having to play a travelling armchair psychologist or listen to darren berate ch for being in the kinsmen or have him turn a snide sneer at me and ask if i'm still doing my bootcamps.

one of the guys lost a bunch of weight and looks really good.  someone told me that darren commented snidely to him about it and hasnt let up on this guy's weight loss.  in the meantime, darren looks fat and pasty and dumpy.  he's walking around in his crocs that are dorky to begin with and his ratty facial hair and portly midsection and he's criticising jason or me for our fitness attempts?  he's the last person who should be casting judgement on anyone for fuck's sake.

tangent.

i guess i know what i get out of things when i try to be nice...if i try to be nice to derin, i get ensnared in their bullshit.  i'm not interested in trying or pretending to care, so i think i'll focus on myself and try not to worry.

i guess i just need to tell myself that i'm ok, that there are still people out there who love me and care about me and want to hang out with me.  so what if i'm 3000+ miles away with a bunch of strangers i see once a year???  i do know that i'm secure with the knowledge that i have friends back home who think i'm the cat's ass.  i'm not being arrogant...i think that gets me through a lot of shit, especially when i'm being a recluse.

i'm ok, i'm ok, i'm ok.