social injustices

so far maui's been good, but awkward. i struggle terribly with social interactions and i really despise small talk. hate it with a passion. i know it's something that has to be done in business situations, but it does make my guts churn with anxiety and i hate pretending to be interested in someone's travel plans or flight or the weather at home. i really dont care. let's talk about something stimulating, shall we?  let's gossip, let's talk smack, or let's discuss movies...i really dont care as long as it's not small-fucking-talk.

this year i've managed to stay away from the douchebag darren and his gf erin. i have said a weak hi to her and nothing to him. i plan to stay away from him and his drama. as a result of this, ch and i seem to be ostracised from the rest of the group. ch's friend monn and his wife are here, as well as another couple and they seem to be arm in arm with derin (=darren + erin). the six of them went snorkelling today somewhere on the island while we stayed behind. there was a part of me wondering why it is that we are out of this circle...the other part of me is grateful that we're not in the drama and have to listen to darren beg for free dinners from various sponsors and franchisees.  it gets tiresome and embarassing.

so like i said, we are on the outs from the group.  ch seems unphased, but i am a little bothered at times.  monn, britt, ashley and jason are nice people and i was hoping to spend time with them, but they all have seemingly moved past us and are content doing their own thing.  at one point we ran into them as they were attempting to get snorkel gear and discussing plans and after they left, i turned to ch and told him that if he ever felt left out at any point, he was free to move on and go along with them.  i can merrily entertain myself alone.

i'm not sure what has precipitated the snubbing because we used to be the go-to gang, but i have a feeling it was because we were vague with our travel plans.  prior to booking his trip, darren repeatedly asked ch what his plans were and wanted to book in sync with us and ch wouldnt budge or give up any details.  i think darren finally took the hint and just booked his own stuff.  i was kind of hoping to spend some time with the other people and hang out and then blissfully escape to oahu wednesday, but it looks as if we will be alone for most of the trip.  dont get me wrong, i'm not complaining...i just wonder sometimes if it is all me who is the repugnant person.  yes, i have friends at home who seem to want to spend time with me yet i struggle in other social situations.  it's the same at the gym...i dont talk to anyone, really, and just do my own thing and leave.  i've got the philosophy that i'm not there to make friends and influence people...i suppose it's my fucking day to day mantra. 

but i sit there and wonder if it is me who has repelled these people and me who has us sitting there at a table of other misfits and strangers who dont have another 6 people to buddy up with.  there are times where the self imposed alone time suddenly feels alien and foreign and i wonder if it is me with the problem...