i met her on a snowy day in november of 1994. dean and i went to the spca in yyc on a whim to see what was there and i immediately fell in love with her. i took her out of her cage and held her and just knew that she was the cat for me. we drove home, wondering what her future would be if we didnt say "YES" immediately. panic experienced, as we talked to our upstairs neighbours and okayed a third cat to the mix of the house. more panic as we phoned the spca inquiring about her and wondering what her future would hold. we were basically told that we were saving her from the brink of extinction. most fortunately, we were okayed by the spca and the neighbours and brought her home for the weekend. life was great.
on the monday, we were to take her in to get fixed. before work, i held her and hugged her, grateful she was mine. and curiously enough the cat gingerly bit me on the left shoulder. i wondered what kind of cat i had adopted...would she bite me? would she be unkind? just what had i gotten into? over the weeks, i read that cats will bite their owers kindly to form a bond.
and we did bond.
this cat has been with me for the last 15+ yrs, through boyfriends, ups, downs, tears, warm and cold nights, through moves and adjustments...all the while taking it in stride the best way a cat can do. she never loved car rides, but she did adjust well to a new sister, to new dogs and to new homes. she's always been my "puppy cat", someone who (unlike her predecessors) will come on command, who will play fetch with toys, and who will respond to a sneeze with a "rowr" that i think is her way of saying "bless you".
and now the twilight of her years is approaching. i can see it in her face, her actions, and it kills me. the clingy nature of her personality is hurting me the most. i will let her up in the mornings while i'm at the gym and when i return home, she is there to greet me and yowling at me saying hello and that she has missed me. when i get out of the bathroom after showering she is there on the carpet outside the door, eager to greet me with a swish of her tail and another yowl of hello. i will go to bed and when i roll over, she is again there at the end of the bed on the floor just waiting for me to wake up and pet her. i might be in bed for hours, but she waits there alone in the cold on the floor for me to simply look up and say hello, maybe pet her, and lead her downstairs.
and here i sit, midnight, and she is right here at my side. everytime i look down, she chirps at me in her feline voice, just eager for a pet and back scratch.
what in the hell am i going to do when i have to make that terrible decision? some nights it keeps me up with worry. i think that i will cry endless tears, that the wound will never heal, that i will constantly be seeing her in the shadows at the corner of my room, i will hear her voice, constantly be telling her "you're fine" when she meows, i cant pet her enough now, trying hard to remember the feel of her fur, the sound of her voice, the way her claws click on the lino as she follows after me as a good old puppy cat.
god, what will i do when she is gone? what?
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