stress and missing you. fuck.

my sister wants to come saturday and go shopping. 

before she comes i want to express to her that i wont be babysitting while she is in panama.  it's not going to be an easy conversation.  i dont even know how to say it without upsetting her and pissing her off and causing a big fight.

i have missed her quite a bit.  it kills me not to talk to her on the phone, it really does.

i wrote a toast to her on my wedding day, a toast that i still continue to stand by to this day...it is killing me that i'm angry with her and not talking to her...

To my sister: you are my best friend. Thank you for being the person I turn to in a crisis. You help me keep a level head. You were always there for me. You’ve talked me out of many situations and helped me keep a cool head and have been there to give me perspective and a dose of sanity when I was at my wit’s end. You have always shown me how to think outside the box, and reminded me that karma is a very strange and inevitable process. You were my friend and enemy growing up: the only kid to play with in a one horse town, but the same kid who stole my clothes, repeated everything I said word for word, the person who took out her anger on me in strange ways (like cutting me off when on our bikes…causing loads of pain and gravel in my knee : I still have the scar!), and speaking of scars, I still have the long one ~if you look just right in the light~ on my left arm from where you scratched me with your talons and it bled so much that I thought I’d pass out and die while locked in the bathroom while you tried to kick the door down to finish me off. I’m sure that mom and dad as well won’t forget our infamous trip from Keremeos to Vancouver in grandpa’s satellite sebring where my arms looked as if they had just done battle with all the pinching and scratch fights on probably the longest five hour trip our family has ever taken! you were the brunt of many of my jokes, including some prank calls to shelly jamison’s place while you were babysitting, the kid I called “nut” or “nerd”, and teased mercilessly in front of my friends and cousins, and yet you still stuck up for me. remarkably, my arms got through a year of living together during in university relatively unscathed, but I think that was the first year where we really connected and put aside our differences and stuck together…after all, we did have another adversary: a roommate who was messy. It was easy to stick together and I think we both agree that if we could make it through one year with this girl, we could do anything together! Not only are you my sister, you are my friend.
********************************************************************

it kills me that we are distant right now.  i so want to pick up the phone and talk to you as if nothing's wrong, but there is something wrong and i do believe it wont be simply fixed with a few words.  we're going to fight, no doubt about it, and i am not looking forward to the consequences behind it.