strange dreams

i had that dream again last night.

you know, the panicked dream i always have...the one about university.

it's been YEARS since i was in university, but i will still have dreams that leave me in disarray, in panic, and i always wake with a start and wonder if what i just dreamt was reality or fiction.  i wake never really knowing and often question myself during the day, just to reassure myself that it was all fantasy.  and when the questions are finally confirmed, then i feel better.  it's like a big relief to know that what i was most frightened of was all fabrication.

i always dream that i'm in school and have a HUGE paper due and i'm not even started on it.  last night's dream was interesting because the paper was supposed to be a minimum of 20 or so pages and i had only 8 written on scraps of paper.  what was worse was that it was a 4th year class and i hadnt gone to a single class and was supposed to have this paper done and presented in the next class...

for some reason, i had logic class, which i did drop.  and in my real university experience, i had dropped logic in my second year.  what a waste of class and time that was, but anyway...

so my english class was directly after logic.  and part of the debacle in the dream was whether i'd really dropped logic or not.  the other dilemma was that i had forgotten that my english class was right after logic on mondays and so i hadnt been to a single class.  and already it was nearing the end of the semester, so i was supposed to have been attending this class to hear the lectures, participate in discussions, and earn my marks on attendance and attentiveness; none of which i had done.  but i had missed the drop out date, so at present, my mark would be a zero, the prof wouldnt know me to see me, and all of a sudden i'd show up to present a paper on nothing and expect good grades?  at the best i could get a D and it would make a severe dent in my GPA, which stressed me out.

in addition to the GPA stress, i worried about having enough material to finish my 20 page shakespeare paper.  and then the worried looks of dr. tyson as i'd come to class.  i imagined the scorn, the disappointment, and the embarassment, which had me sweating in my sleep.

i dont know why i continually have this dream, but i seem to from time to time.  and every time i wake from it, i wonder if it was reality. 

what's most troubling is that university still continues to haunt me long after i've left it. 

it's been 15yrs since i graduated and i'm still somehow subcontiously affected by grades, stress, and approval.

thank goodness i see james wednesday!