annoying commercials

so i'm laying in bed watching tv, as you might have figured. it's what we do when we go to bed: turn on the tv and leave it on all night. my aunt would shit zebras if she found out. she's convinced that the people watch her through her tv. yeah, you read that right: she thinks that the tv is actually how people spy on other people. she tells us that we should really unplug our tv when we aren't using it AND put a blanket over it. and she does that. go to her house, and i guarantee that her tv has a blanket over it.

seriously, who is going to want to spy on people via their tvs? why? do you really want to peer out and see some big bald hairy dude splayed out on the couch eating doritos or hotdogs and spilling mustard down his undershirt? what purpose would that serve? it makes no sense to me. and who is going to watch you? the gov't? the fbi? can you imagine the poor schmuck who has to watch endless hours of morons staring blankly at their tv? and what good is the tv to people "watching" "you" when you're out of the room, or outside? diabolically idiotic.

have you watched a razor commercial lately? now they're promoting that mysterious "fourth" blade. what the fuck is up with that? the razor has had a very tenuous career. it started out likely as a knife, moved to one blade, we suffered through two blades in high school, graduated to three blades sometime in the 90's, and now they're hyping up the fourth blade, claiming it will shave you better. i'm thinking WTF? most seriously. do they really think that fourth blade will scrape over your skin one degree better than the other three? what's next? 5 blades? 6? 10?

and what's with gilette making their razor commercials all about speed? in one, there's a guy in a vehicle of some sort, or at least i assume it's a vehicle, and they say something about pressing a button on the razor (WTF moment) and when they do it, the dude acts like he broke the g-force and is going mach 19 or something. DUDE, it's just a razor. i'm sure that when you put that fucker up to your face, your head won't rock back and give you whiplash. but they imply that you will need a neckbrace once you are done your daily shave and to push that fucking button with *caution*.

then i was watching the ad for the new pontiac montana. yet another minivan disgracing our roads. so they open the commercial with a kid in a red t shirt getting out of what i presume is school. but what drives me mental about it is the way the kid waves. he's got his hand stretched up above his head and holds it there for what seems like an eternity waving like a moron at his parents, ALL WHILE HE IS RUNNING TO THE VAN. what kid not possessed by the devil is going to do this? most little fuckers are too concerned with their friends, are dropping stuff, or are cussing because their mom pulled up front and because she's within 147947 feet of him, she's embarassing him. sorry, i'm not buying the kid being that excited to see his family in that gay van. the kid is in need of an exorcism. i'd believe that is where they are going...taking the kid to the priest, but no possessed kid is going to excitedly say YAY, let's go to the preist and i'm going to be so excited to go that i'm going to gaily wave like a complete moron when you pull up front.

back to the commercial...the second thing that bugs me, or really i should say the third because i hate minivans (so that would be the first), the second is that moronic cracker waving at his parents, so the third is how he just throws the back pack in and it hits his sister's lap just right. now come on, could a commercial inject a bit of reality even just once? first off, how likely is it that the little shit has such great aim? they mean to tell us that this kid could throw a back pack in without crashing into anything? if it was me throwing it, i'd probably throw it and hit the outside of the van and it would come crashing down, splaying all the contents everywhere in the grass and on the road. so then my 'rents would be pissed at me because now we have to wait an extra 3 seconds for me to pick up the bag, or 10 seconds while i get the scattered contents off the road. and then you know that would be the time where a wind gust comes up and my *important* papers blow away. no, not the school notices that say i've been delinquent and skipping class again and would your parents please read that, sign it so the teach knows they read it, and return it to school notice. it would be the one time i actually got a B- on a math test and wanted to pin it to the fridge. that fucker would be blown to siam. and my parents would be cussin and carrying on because not only are they waiting longer than they wanted, they would be making a HUGE deal that they drove there in the first place.

so if we inject more reality into the commercial, the sister actually grabs his bag with either a smile or is expressionless. i can't recall which. but the point is that it's SO unrealistic. would your sister grab your bag you threw into the van without launching into a super sized for .99 hissy fit? no fucking way. you'd have her screaming and whining that you threw it "at" her, that it's not fair, etc...there's no way in HELL that the kid will joyfully catch a bag that someone throws at her, least of all her little brother. the kid probably reeks of piss and stench of little boys and this teenager probably hates him to the core. i figure she must be lobotomized or her parents have got her so medicated that she doesn't care what the little fuck throws at her. and the fact that the bag lands perfectly pisses me off. i'd probably lob it at her and have it bounce off her forehead. i bet in all the takes the commercial shot, the little shit threw that back pack in so many times and hit her on each take...so much so that she got a concussion and she's really just out of it on the final take we have the pleasure [gag me now] of watching.

for the record, i won't be buying the pontiac montana. not now, not ever.